What if I don't want
to get better? This hunger is the only thing
I feel anymore. You abandoned me,
so I sit on the bathroom
floor. I drown out my tears
with lyrics to songs we used
to scream out the car
window. While others congratulate
the damage this hunger has caused,
I obsess over the numbers that
light up whenever I step on
the scale. This is the only thing
I can control anymore. Since
you left.

You pulled me in tighter
and calmly whispered to me
how scared you were
of going any further
because you didn't want to
fall victim to seduction
and lose control because
you love control.

Those I love the most
but are psychically distant
know the least about me.

I am intoxicated by you.
The smell of your clothing,
The taste of your lips,
The feel of your hair,
The structure of your face,
Everything about you
Overwhelms my senses
And makes me
Pull you in tighter
And bring you in close.
I cannot stop
Wrapping myself in
Your arms.
You intoxicate me.

I want to be lost in your gaze
I want to be drunk off your words
I want to be entangled with your body
I want to be haunted by your touch
I want to be drowned in your love

It only takes three simple words
for my very being to melt in your arms
and my soul to take flight high above us.
I am not talking about the cliche here.
We are so much better than a cliche.
I am talking about a phrase
so much more gentle,
so much more inviting,
so much more meaningful,
so much more personal,
so much more tender,
so much more caring.
"Babe, come here"

Swaddled within your arms,
I feel my worries rush away
from my thoughts.
I am left with only
complete clarity
about my future with you.
My anxieties
seem to simply evaporate
when our limbs intertwine.

You always ask me
what I'm thinking of
and I must admit
if you knew my
true thoughts
you will never see
me the same again.

Constantly I am
thinking about
how I could
possibly feel
beautiful at night
when I eat anything
during the day.

I can't tell you this
because you might
worry for me.
You would say
I am beautiful always.

While this helps
it feels as though
you are putting
a band-aid on
a cavernous wound.
One that was small
many years ago,
but recently was infected,
left untreated and
ignored because of
how ugly it is to me.
I am embarrassed
that I love you more
then I love myself.

So I won't reveal
what I'm truly thinking
to you ever.
Instead I smile,
blush even,
and say I cannot
stop thinking of you.

Everyday,
multiple times
you remind me of my beauty
because I can no longer
do this for myself.
You tell me that one day
I will believe these words.
They will eventually sink
into my DNA.
You tell me the words will
one day feel real and until they do
you will continue on.
You do not make me
feel ashamed that these words
are foreign to my diseased brain.
While you call me breathtaking
I tell myself I am not deserving of breath.
Your words restore me.
They keep me alive
until the next dosage of
your selfless reminders.

While you might look
at the months ahead
and see feasts,
and shared tables,
and celebratory treats,
and memories made in the kitchen.
I see hours needed on the treadmill,
and calories needing to be logged,
and pounds gained,
and hours crying on the bathroom floor.
I no longer see the holidays
as a joyous time full of laughs
but rather as a 3 month long
depressive purge.

I was scared at first.
The voice started
drifting in slowly.
It crept in and dimmed
the shining lights that
kept me bright and shiny.
Such as the morning fog
consumes the mountains
was the voice in my mind.
I was scared at first,
but no longer.
The dark thoughts
are constant and persistent
but no longer worry me.
It is hard to find a light
when I am trapped by
all these shadows.
What scares me now
is not the voice itself
but is the fact that
I have fallen in love with it.

We were laying in bed
and I was drowning in your gaze.
You wrapped your arms around
me and slowly whispered in my ear
that I was a national treasure to you.
You told me my essence,
my power, and my presence
overwhelmed you and that
I was your Niagara Falls.

I wasn't sure at what point
my feelings of
inadequacy and failure
would penetrate the boundaries
of my thoughts and
manifest themselves in a physical way
which scare not only the strangers
that pass me on the street
and see my now skeletal body
but also those I love the most.

You said it first
and showed it first
and took it away
Ruining the most beautiful parts
the most tender parts
the most sacred parts
of Us

You saw me sitting vulnerably
and you took your strong
yet deceptive hand
and plunged it deep within me
You found my heart
and kept it as your own
making me believe you were keeping it safe
but quickly I discovered
you took it to destroy it
and add my heart
to your collection
of broken women

You broke me
and left me with an insatiable need
to be further wanted
and further tormented
Now I sit here
2 years later
At 3 a.m.
and I still crave
Your Love

I dreamt about you again last night.
Nothing bad nothing raunchy,
I guess I just miss you.
I'll admit it
I made a mistake.
You said yes to me
I said no to you.
Perhaps we weren't
meant to be.
It isn't that easy though.
Is it ever
that easy.
If you weren't
meant to be mine,
why don't you leave
my mind?

Want to know
what I think?
The fates had something
absolutely, grand
planned for us.
Those three
twisted, dastardly
women had given us
to each other
at the wrong time.
An issue that they only
make once every eon.
I would love to call
them and complain.
Instead, I dream about
you every single
night, and cry about
you every morning.

The worst feeling
is remembering
how much I love you
five years later;
and not having
you by my side.

Get out of my head
Get out of my heart.
It's been 2 years
but I can't think of us apart.
The two of us
were never a we.
So why do I want you
to be with me?
On paper, we looked great
I thought we'd be perfect,
but our moment was ruined
we never really clicked.
I hope you maybe see this,
you'll know who you are.
Please don't forget me
my heart is always scarred.

When describing the way
I love you
there are several approaches I could take.

I could use a long drawn-out cliché.
Expressing how my love for you is
boundless, limitless, and unconditional.

I could compare the two of us to iconic lovers.
Prophesizing that our love will go down in history with
Romeo & Juliet, Jack & Rose, or Lucy & Ricky.

I could conduct an ornate chain of events.
Demonstrating the immense love I have for you through a
Choreographed flash mob, a pile of gifts, or grand acts of service.

Why would I do any of this when
our love is completely unique
and is more complex than a simple three word phrase.

I cannot find anything comparable.
Our love is distinguished in
its origin, its demonstration, and its depth.

Trying to find a way to describe my love for you
I feel myself becoming quite
Lovey dovey & overly tender.

These are the feelings all people in love express.
What is so distinctive about us
you may be asking?

Our love is built on:
Gingerbread houses
Kitchen slow dancing
Matching pajamas sets
Three-dollar wine
Quarantine movie marathons
Mario Kart tournaments
Sunset walks
Cooking competition shows

This is the foundation of our love.
Our early, goofy memories
allowed us to bond incredibly close, incredibly fast.

I learned the obscure details about you.
The way your hair grows in a hurricane pattern
The way you sigh and succumb to the couch after a long day
The way the left corner of your mouth smiles before the right
The way you can’t sleep without noise in the background
The way you never fail to eat your salad after your main course
The way you step heavier in your heels rather than your toes
The way you can taste the difference between Frank’s Red Hot and the off brand
The way you spray your cologne only on special occasions

I hope that these reasons show you
how serious I am when I say
I love you more.

But not more than you love me, but
More than there are stars in the sky,
More than there are days in an eternity,
More than there are rays of sunshine,
More than there are craters on the moon,
More than there are grains of sand in the desert,
More than there are snowflakes in a blizzard.

My love for you is infinite.
I will never stop loving you,
Forever & Always.