You were aiming for the moon,
lifting your head as high as your neck would let you

But as you were walking,
you forgot to look down

...
so you slipped and fell

There are many things I avoid in life
and swimming in oceans is one of them

I don't trust the waves
that drown my barely-floating body
or the current
that seduces me into the center
of the unknown

I don't trust the jellyfish
that have stung me one too many times
and the the algae that grab my legs
into the deep darkness

But something about the sand
makes it all feel beautiful
the way it reminds me
that it was once a rock

that maybe collapsing
is what makes one beautiful

because it as only then
that they truly become
*themselves

Having races brings me back to running rainbows
Jumping over dogs and pancakes
Shadows stretching beyond computers
Is it my imagination, or did the grass run home?
We are empty aluminium shining in the snow
This is how we eat 1000 GB of soil and lyrics.
We are not,
yet we are
reaching out to grab the tables

I bite my fingernails
Then nervously scratch my hair

I've been in fights before
One time I punched a guy
For making fun of my neck
I pushed him against the desk
And kicked his stomach.
He never spoke to me again.
I went home crying that day
Victory never tasted so salty.

Insecurities ringing in my ears
Like the alarm on a clock

It's time
Time again

I've been in fights before
But there's only one that leaves me
On the bathroom floor
With sunken eyes
A bitter taste on my tongue
And a sandpaper feel on my teeth

I've been in fights before
None as hard
As the one against myself

What do you do
When you don't believe yourself?
Who are you, if you are more than one?

I always thought I had two hands
For a reason
As one would push against
The back of my throat
The other
Would hug my waist

I don't know who I am
The clock keeps ticking
It's time again
I don't want it to be

There are two arms in a clock
And two arms on my body

It's time
It's time again

I was writing my research
The other night
I had to explain
The conflict of interest
In my study

I forget the research doesn't care about me
The conflict of interest
Doesn't mean when I sleep all day
Miss my college classes and fail my quizes
So that no one hears what happens in the toilet
At 3:12 am

When I was in 4th grade
My friend told me her secret method for a happy life

She said she'd write down
What had made her upset
Then tear it into little pieces
And throw it away

I have no one to talk to
And my room is full of confetti
Sometimes I convince myself
That someone is cheering for me

Why is no one cheering for me?
I am skinny
I am skinny
Why is no one cheering for me?

I feel two feelings
Every day of my life
One that I have betrayed someone
The other that I have been betrayed

I'm still trying to figure out
Which
Is worse

I lit a candle in midday
and watched how quickly
I'd forget about it

When your gaze shifts
and our eyes meet
I feel like a cookie crumble

He told me the palm of my hand
smells like cookie dough;
I was baked for you

I bet if animals could speak,
we wouldn't get along as much

How many times do I need to say
"there are some things better left unsaid"
before you finally understand?

He held my hand,
then cuffed it to the ocean
I knew
I could move my hand
but I never learned
how to swim

I gave up
On trying to fix
What has been long broken

Shattered pieces scattered all around
And why would I
Be picking all the sharp edges?

And you stroked my hair,
rested your head on my shoulder
and said:
"you make me feel
like I'm dancing on clouds,
and somehow,
I'm not falling.
But I'm afraid to,
God am I afraid to."

I held your hand
strongly, yet softly.

My fingers, were wrapped around yours
Together, they slid back and forth.

At times,

My nails pierced your skin,
as you tried hold my hand within

I'm a danger to you,
and so I've always been

To dearest,
I hope you can view me more clearly after this poem:

2 pm                 7/14/1788
I am lying down wondering why you are not replying
I wrote you a letter worth crying

3 pm                 7/15/1788
I heard your voice
In nothing but noise

4 pm                7/16/1788
I remembered what you said--

5 pm                 7/17/1788
I prayed for us to be wed

6 pm                 7/18/1788
I got tired of waiting

7 pm                  7/19/1788
I heard-- I cried

8 pm                  7/20/1788
You died.

When you write the wrong words
don't erase them entirely

Instead,
scribble above them
and below them
the alternate spelling
and better-fitting synonyms

Sometimes you don't need a clean slate
You need the slate that carries pain and blood
Hate and love
Memories and regrets

What will one be
without mistakes
if not a blank page
with no name

Some days,
I can't write poetry

When my thoughts are weights
my fingers cannot carry
and my tears are curtains
that keep blinding me

When my breath is a shallow sigh
and my lungs cannot wait
When my words are too sharp
For my tongue to articulate

When everything makes sense
but nothing does

I cannot replace your mother's essence
I cannot fill the void
nor deny it's presence.
I cannot expect myself to abolish your desolation
nor can I pretend to comprehend your situation.
All I can do is
pray that you find
the love you lack
within your own disposition.

Dear soft autumn breeze,
you carry those leaves so gracefully
one by one into the sweet unknown

But I'm the tree
not ready to let go,
I'm afraid my green
is turning yellow

One sad day
my branches
will be empty,
and my color
will be plain

A mere request
might keep you
away

But leaves are called leaves
Because they leave
Don't they?

Tear oh tear
please stay near
you are here
when I'm in fear

tear oh tear
please don't move
keep sitting in that groove

tear oh tear
you taste good
like comfort food

tear oh tear
you are my friend
I'll have you till
the very end

tear oh tear
please don't smear
my make up
please oh dear

tear oh tear
thank you for
the future and the before

tear oh tear
water the pillow
under this weeping willow

let the flames of tragedy
redefine you

Step
Into
The
Ocean

Of deep
Overpowering
Gratefulness

Today
You did not
Lose the battle
To shallow water

He felt like a cloudy night in the desert,

Nowhere I went felt right

the best way
to describe you

is like an itch
I can't locate

and I'll scratch
my skin off
before I realize

you're only
in my brain

I don't write to drag you within my deepest miseries
I write...
to drag myself out

Oh that poem!
A plain masterpiece!
An eye for the blind!
Beyond what my limited words can describe!
Glory be to he who wrote this breathtaking beauty!
But I am left speechless and confused
Once I see the simple number of its likes and views
I guess that's what makes it so special
A diamond unseen
A hidden potential.
And he continues to write...
As if poetry was his only friend.
I guess he already accepted the fact that
*we cannot always trend

I still get nightmares
... or shall I call them dreams
of things
I could've done better

and whenever I open my eyes
I feel the regret and misery
destroying what's left of me
...

I'm sorry, old me.

And you'll miss
The bliss
While waiting
For the other shoe to drop

Don't be afraid
of admitting mistakes
like running on top
a bridge that might break

don't deny your conscious
the possibility of change
some days after you've ignored its voice
you will hear its faint whispers

I promise you,
its never too late to change

Don't underestimate the power
of apologies

I find it fascinating
how one word
can change a person
and his entire world

A bar of soap wrapped with candy and sugar?
Or an emerald diamond hidden in a nasty ******?

Can we truly see, or can we just look?
A marvellous story written on the pages of an old dusty book

A short chubby girl with guts and nerves
While she has long legs and perfect curves

Her blue eyes and long blonde hair cause obsessions
but her eyes are sore and she lost her hair during the countless chemo sessions

She steals their hearts, and gets what she prefers
While she prays the nights as cancer steals her's

Now did you find this a bit confusing?
Because the chubby girl maybe outside cruising

While she prays
Counting her last days

Which one is which?
Did they just switch?

Or did you switch them?
You forgot about the rose petals because you were too busy gripping the stem.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but what if the beholder is blind?
The more we search inside, the more beauty we'll find.

And as for the two girls, it is not our job to know
because we cannot judge what does not show.

Lose yourself
To a sea of weakness
But be sure
No one
Is swimming

Realizations
Fit
Like pieces
In a puzzle

Surprise
No longer comes
With disappointment

I feel the back of my brain
and the inner corner of joints

I feel my gastric acid
and the core of my bones

I feel pain,
regret
and uncertainty,

I want to
do something
about this
but there
is nothing
I can do
if
I
don't
want
to

Do me a favor,
add to me flavor

Sprinkle kindness,
and compliments

Read what my fingers had typed
Press like to the poems you liked

And share-
it's only fair!

in love,
I was never
afraid of falling

I was only afraid
of the moment
when my body
hits the ground

my dear
its fear

don't let it near
don't let it here

my dear
its fear

hide this tear
fake a cheer

"but dear,
fear is always here
every day, all year
whats the point of staying clear
if you cannot steer"

fear lies in your heart and mind
there's no point in denying its mere existence
because you can't control it unless it controls you first

And maybe excuses
aren't bad afterall

for some regrets
are too heavy
to carry

Fallen arches
sound so poetic,
but they only mean
flat feet

I took my flat feet
to a battlefield
We watched
the people cheer
for the pain of others
Faked their way
Through syllables and
Eye wrinkles

They call them crow's feet
Too good a name for them
I call them
Cat scratch disease

I took my flat feet to a battlefield
they dug their way into the cement

my fallen arches
found a ground to stand on
they fell
So I won't
Fall

It was a love like no other

until he saw her feet.

That's when he turned and walked away.
She didn't cry, cut, or even ask him to stay
because that's when she knew
*that it wasn't love at all

Bring your knees
as close to your chest
as you are able

but remember

fetal positions
don't turn back
time
or place

You told me I should write
Give the world a piece of my mind
And find my inner peace

Looking at happiness
with gloomy eyes
is never truthful

Looking at it now,
everything I remember you said
sounds like human sacrifice

I swear
you took more pieces
than I knew I had

I think
you did it
by breaking me

You told me to write
but ever since
I've been writing in riddles

trying to save myself
any last piece

I wanna be able to unleash you
dauntlessly.
Because I trust that you will return back home
to me.

Food.

A friend I can always count on
Doesn't ask for commitment,
Yet I'm committed

Oh my delightful treat!
My hunger you delete
to you no one can compare
people come and go but you're always there

because of you my pain is eased
all my craving's deceased

Forget those foolish humans
Together we rule!

And yes! because of you,
Weight I will gain
But never will I hide with disdain.

Food.

The only thing you bring more than joy,
Is all the sadness you destroy.

Food.
How can I repay you?

You give but never take
And yes, I mean all that excessive weight.

when it comes to you, I am always weak
I hear you calling "You deserve a treat!"
Then I remember you can't even speak

You got me going insane
as I hear you calling out my name

Food.

because of you, weight I will gain
and yes, I will never hide with disdain

and I know you have been my therapist for very long
but it is time for me to move along

Don't worry, this isn't the end
you will always be my closest friend

But there's certain advice I need to take
habits I need to break

Food.

Your magnificence is complex, made of the worst, and made of the best
I've only got to know one part of you,
and It's time for me to explore the rest...

Most people fear being reminded
more than they fear remembering

Close your eyes

Breathe in

This isn't the worst you've been in

Breathe out

Stop wandering about

Let go

I know

It's hard

God chooses the best

forget the rest
forget, and rest

You've always been forgetful

You'd forget to turn the lights off
You'd forget to close the toothpaste
You'd forget your clothes in the drier
You'd forget to charge your phone
You'd forget to feed the fish
...

So I did all these things for you

You see, I was convinced that showing you was better than telling you
But you never saw it, now did you?

- Sometimes I'd forget to do all these things on purpose,
so I would remember how it felt like to be with you -

I secretly hope that you can't find your clothes
and your fish die
and your electric bill reaches a 100 billion dollars

Just so you could see
that I was good for you

You know what? No.  __
NO, NO
NO

I do secretly hope that your phone dies
and your clothes get lost
and your fish die
and your toothpaste gets dried up

But only so you could learn the importance of what I used to do
to recognize your faults
and to try and improve, not for me
but for you.

... and I'm not talking about the toothpaste here

You can't demonstrate the change you want to see in someone
if they don't even understand the error in their ways

and so,

I don't want to be the person
who struggles to forgive and forget

I want to be the person
who lives with no regret

knowing that us, ending,
was for the best.

and the best
of each of us

As a child,
I used to run my hands
on the walls as I walked

Adults around
would warn me
about the filthiness
of those dust, graffiti,
*****, and poster covered walls

But touching them gave me
a weird sense of accomplishment
Like physical proof
that I was once here

moving forward

Today
I will not worry
what bacteria
this wall holds
what molds
have aged on its corners

Instead, I'll run my hands
with every step I take

smiling
because I am,
once again,
*moving forward

gather your veins
and run as fast as you can

call your past
preparation

baggage slows you down

tears
heavier
than mercury

let them go

Come what shall,
I am ready