As I drove here today
I pondered the funny feeling
The one I felt when I first ran away
The one that crept
The one that made the abuse real
Those were the ones making me feel

Two hours later, I'm in my car
knowing I should go
I should run and take myself away
Once again
Its not as easy this time
Seeing him place his hands
And his words and his tone
On the little ones

The little ones that I grew
The ones I wish could have flew
With me to another place
Somehow achieving a sense of grace

The little ones I can't protect
Not anymore, I can't forget
Every time I'm here
all of these fears
They just come creeping back

I'll just sit in my car this time

There’s days when my mind
can’t seem to stop
all these racing thoughts
the thoughts of us
the thoughts of my past
any thought that comes to be
it just never seems to stop
even after all everything I do
all these racing thoughts
just never ever seem to stop

I know I’m not always perfect.
I do wish I was worth it.
You told me every day,
that you loved me more.
I tried to argue mostly,
but now we’re both alone.
trying to find someone
that we can grow with closely.
this is way too hard for me,
knowing I’m the one who left
all of our good memories
in the dust.
every time we say we were so
In Love…
I just don’t really see
how you could have really been
in love with me.
the pictures of mine are gone
they were erased with the touch
of my shaking thumb
those were all my memories.

tic tac toe to me
isn’t what you think
in fact it really stinks

this is what you think:
that I’m not true
because I follow
the directions on my orange bottle

tic tac toe to me
is a lengthy process
I’ve been off of them;
I cared about myself way less

tic tac toe to you
just reminds you of me;
just like everything else.
reminds you of all my tells.

tic tac toe resolves our woes
they can go from head to toes
I’ll never fill a void…
you’ll only think I toyed

Am I crazy?
Am I sane?
I've lost track of time.
It's only been a year,
And my life is different
Than it was before.

I've been on the floor,
I've been in the sky.
I've been in between.
It's only been a year,
And I feel like I'm worse
Than I was before.

there are times when
I see what they see
it's just really hard to be
like that all the time
when you are stuck in your mind

I would love for you to kiss me
Kiss me how I could actually feel it.
Feelings might not be mutual
But agreements are out the door
Just because that door is closed
The kissing door isn't

I want to feel your lips graze mine
I want to feel them in me
I would love for the kiss to end up
With the both of us intertwined
Like that one night
When I never though I'd feel that kind

That kind of chemistry in bodies
Unlike the ones I can feel in lobbies
I want your hand to hold mine
It's terrible that this isn't the right time.

The leaves they're flying instead of falling
I guess this is the part that's beautiful
The somewhere in between
Perhaps falling isn't
The ******* worst

we were once in heaven
now we’re in straight hell
your voice rings like a bell
deep inside my mind
i want you to be mine

there’s this unspoken talk
that we didn’t need to have
but there we were
on this rocking love seat
you asked if you’d be
the only one accepting my kiss
I didn’t need to look at my feet
to tell you -
you’d be the only one kissing me

here we are now
& I’m waiting on this conversation
the sober version of
you referring to me as your girlfriend
your best friend says
-he cares about you.
& ever since I’m wondering
-does this still hold true?

I don’t want to end up blue
if this ends up downhill
after being stuck like glue
almost every day to you .

this forgetfulness has to stop
its eating at my brain
taking all of every day
they flutter away
it makes  me feel ashamed
to forget the simple things

I don’t really wanna be that girl
that girl that was just a hurdle
to get over that ex
that caused nothing but a mess

I would like to be that girl
that you can come home and kiss
and tell her that you did miss

.

laying with my head at your feet
i think of things
and the way we meet
i think of things
and wonder of all your stories
i wish i knew who you were
you'd be more than simple company
i think of things that could have possibly
brought you there to here

I wish you would stop
These stupid petty games
The ones that I'm supposed to play
The ones where you don't let go
After I said that is it
For Sure
I'm not coming back
I don't want friendship
I don't want your apologies
I want nothing to do with you
Then
All of your angry words
Just make me out to be the worst

I start the day with one horse pill.
Half way through
I take a small one, two.
I'll last awhile longer
Until I need to intake
A caloric amount of 450
To make that third pill work
The fourth is just the same
As the first one of the day
My fifth will come when I am ready
To make a journey to a slumber.

I want to kiss your cheek
and grab your hair
and just in case
I’d like to kiss your lips

most of all,
I’d like to be visible
more than just to you
and more than to your friends
I’d like to be the visible
I was two weeks,
even three weeks ago.

when I was that visible
I could kiss you
and I could cuddle you.
I was allowed to want you,
and i didn’t feel ashamed to see you

its that special time between
the winter and autumn
when its sometimes snowing
and there’s no sunshine
to come leaking through
the clouds are thick at this time

I haven’t had to lay it all out.
A few tears gets my thoughts out.
A few good songs,
removes those thoughts
the ones that used to be so easily bought

I'd be stuck at the bottom
Waiting for you to show the way
When it was in my control all along
I'm no longer there
I'm in a higher place
I have a smile on my face
Something you will never see
Something I never want you to see

There’s something about silence
that makes perseverance
more capable than yesterday’s

How are you supposed to eat
When you don't have an appetite
But know you can't
Because it just makes you sick.

I will always be that girl
the one who took your heart
I took it and tore it apart
and here I am
needing it stitched back together
while im still stapling myself

stuck inside these lines
i’m only trying to find
why you won’t be mine

I can’t say I see the future
but I know today is brighter
because I’ve become a fighter

I don’t want to feel like I’m crossing a line.
everything so far has been fine.
I don’t want this talk,
to end up with one of us taking a walk.
we both have things
that don’t need to be seen.
I don’t want you to be just a fling,
eventually I feel like you could be my king.
I slightly do feel like a queen
who finally has somewhere to lean
on someone who does not ask
-what is wrong, why is your face long?
I’m just really hoping this could last.

my fingertips travel grounds untouched
Mountains known, thrashing through the skies
my eyes wander to the sights on every magazine
Little hideaways, masked within the archives

i strip the body in the mirror
Foreign attractions, morphing to native

my feet rooted over the dust
Crumbling statues, melting closer
my ears absorb the language of the wind
Ethnic songs, no one performing for me

i pare the mind healing me
Former homes, vanishing to nothingness

my palms press stained glass windows
Spiritual structures, exhaling grace
my hips wave through existentialism
Rejuvenating air, blanketing energy over me

I’m not trying to play the victim.
I’m trying to help my situation.
I’m trying to help myself.
I’m trying to be the best I can.
I’m not trying to play the victim.
I’m trying to find solace in silence.
I’m trying to find a place where it’s ok.
I’m trying to find a place where I’m ok.
I’m not trying to be the victim.

we are deemed the broken ones
with minds gone "crazy."
we are only grateful recipients,
for we see the world in other ways.
we are not faulty humans;
we only have an alternate life.

trampling over weathered grounds
along the way that's where I'll be found
beaten, bruised, and criticized
yet when you see me I'll be fine

i’m sitting with my friend
we talk about our relationships
the ones that could’ve been
i’m tired of the what if’s
knowing that we did them
she tells me she tried
but it always circled
back around to the same ol’ sound

the sound of the hearts’ pound
thinking that this is what it’s about
loving someone so much
it makes you sad
to see another happy
it makes you sad that you can’t
you can’t open that door
to another

instead you’d rather keep trying
with that one who left you whining
whining that he forgot your birthday
and whining that he won’t kiss you
because you wouldn’t give him head

we sit and talk about all these times
reverting back to the trials
the trials that we went through
so many times
but every time we fell…
we fell right back to the floor
the one they always put us on.

they were the ones who picked us back up
they’re the ones who never left
they’re the ones who always tried for us
but they never found us

so we sit here on these chairs
acting like we talk about hair
but in reality all we can think
- did we really try?

I don't want to come off depressed
However that's what this is nonetheless
I lay in bed
And I lay on couches
I think about how there's places better than this
I think about how I'm tired of the circles I've been running since April.
This is what September brings.
Thoughts of irrational things
Thoughts of harm
Definitely thoughts of death
It'd be this month that this depression overtakes me.
It'd be this month, the ninth one, to teach myself a lesson.
Depression is more than this.
It's when words make you cry
     Though I did
It's when a person's touch makes you tremble
    Which it did
It's when you're in denial
      Which I am
It's when you can't be alone for fear of self
       Here I am
       Scared to death
That's what September is.

if you really want to see
what you've done to me
just look inside of this
this notebook you see

I'm petrified of your kiss
yet its the one thing I miss
when i'm laying on my couch
all benzo'd out

its the thing I desperately crave
when i'm alone in an ice cave
then I remember our bout
the one before you kicked me out
the one where I said ouch

you had me on your bed
your hands suffocating my head
all I thought was I love you tons
but then I saw your guns

I believed me a *****
a pathetic daddy issue girl
because of what you said
it burned me to the core

this is it you see
how I don'twant to be
how you thought me to be
that is what you've done to me

If I could escape,
I would go to a place -
A place that’s not far,
but a place that is rare.
The place filled with black-eyed susans
and wild orange lillies.
There’s buckets of rain water
and spider plants inside.
Daisies and hostas line the porch
where that green swing hung.

My feet were always too short,
so Dad had to help
keep that swing swaying
while I watched the beautiful blonde.
She had brown eyes and a kind smile.
That woman was my mom.

We kept all the flowers pretty.
All together, my little family,
     We were so happy.

I guess it's true what they say
Waiting for the day
The one where the rains away
The skies are no longer grey
The sun shining
And the birds flying
I'd rather be stuck there
Than be here
In a state of fear
A fear of myself
A scare to myself
I wish I could feel the way I felt
On top of the world
I was there at some point
But I'm here curled
Wanting to burrow
Just like a bear in winter
If only that made me feel better

I hate to lose you to an illusion,
it's like our bodies have a fusion.
I'd hate for you to end up a mirage,
we're beginning such a beautiful collage.
I'd love for this to move forward,
all I need is for you to say the word.
I'd love for this to be something true,
and for it to not go away out of the blue.
I'd hate to lose you to a game,
which would leave me filled with shame.
I'd hate for this to be all done,
especially since you've already won some.
I'd love for you to stay mine,
everything together is fine.
I'd love for this to continue,
nothing is as great as when I'm with you.

Underneath the rubble
Long forgotten worms
Squirm above, below
above again
Searching for decaying
Fruits to consume
Recreating the beauty
Existing prior to the
Earthquakes

i’d like to one day write
about something that isn’t a fight
something beautiful
and something serene
there’s something around with some sheen
i know it’s true
that's what all the others say.
self, don’t be so blue
today’s a new day
and i can write what i please
even if it’s not with ease