I take I’m saving these tears for when you strike me full
and it’s you at the other line of the song once the words thread through.
When I’m on my knees, left scrubbing you off of me. Washing you out with rivers of piano chords and trembling voices - that haunt me of you
which smear the floor black.
Your mess overturned as you slip out.
I cry for the love I cried to show you.
I had left myself open for you, my doors were slammed shut in weakness by your hands withering to push it back.
6 April 00:05
All along it’s only me trying to keep myself away
There was always this box hidden under his bed.
One day he fled, and she crawled,
slicing it out from curtains of webs
and wrenched it out of the hands of his secrets.
Inside she discovered her heart, raw
from when he last yanked it out from her.
Veins, nerves unattached
to fool her from feeling,
to engrave his own illusions into her head.
Now she’s cradling it so tenderly.
Rinsing off his fingerprints with her tears.
Occasionally learning how to ***** it back in.
3 April 00:12
He’s been gone for a while now,
trying to regain myself
Before me you sat framed
infused hypnotic eyes
with your liquor of sorrows parched at your left.
Tracing your fingers as they clenched each card continuously -
as if your mind was programmed by your own demon.
As each one failed, you were stripped of your dignity
your worth. You would then seep further into that chair.
Still I would watch, incase you drowned.
Then again the cards would pile upon the dusted table
and you threw them so feebly, so hastily.
And I held your time in my hands
remorsefully as it poured out my own creases
You told me you were hurting,
the sight of this ripping paper, shredded by your eyes
only reminded me of how you once tried me.
I didn’t lose it for you, nor did you win with me.
5 April 21:06
It was one after the other with you
I’ll show you.
Its these words, that are vivid
of the weapons that you had used
whilst you butchered me.
9 April 22:33
As if I’m going to wash my sins,
by finding a substance so viscous - to annihilate the acid
that seeps through me.
Perhaps it’s you refilling my first glass,
which is dried up by 11,
and replenished by 5 past.
Must I keep forcing it down my refusing gut,
so I can bare the stutter drooling,
crumbling, out your teeth.
Till I’ve sipped needlessly on your lies
and fell drunken on your delusional fables.
Now I’m slurring in my nights,
awoke, still high on your acid.
Eyes are bulging, bloodshot
from you firing bullets of your decaying burden.
As I walk I stumble,
diverging around solum streets.
Crows peck at my skin, to prompt me at sunrise.
Now and again I revisit
the morsels I had collected from the bottom of your chalice.
Savouring as I gulp down my regret.
Desperately urging to be hungover your reveries
one last time.
11 April, 00:31
I’m preparing myself for it all one day
for so long you
lead me by the hand
convincing me that I'm almost there.
that the sleepless nights you diagnosed me with,
if you had only told me those visiting demons,
were once yours.
so I didn't have to waste my night ******* time concealing
and disguising your distressed nightmares.
since then they've been amongst the dust
which I swallow in my sleep.
then in the morning awake, with the taste of you
gritted in my teeth.
adapted, 2 April
before you contemplate that sharpened knife,
that is not ****** to other skin
- and sensually slit me open
from the neck.
my last tears that dilute with red will
vainly stain your pail shirt.
let me diffuse through your cold skin
so the knife that hovers above me
won't erase my trace.
staring at this mirror
I feel you approach at my shadow
trailing the knife.
my time cut short.
to save my guts from splitting,
I purge out all your substance that I had consumed.
with it, out came the bottled voice you raided me for
every night when you were dry with thirst.
eyes whisper to mine
that this wasn't your intent.
but I disagreed when red ran down my spine
all I can ever ask,
is promise me you'll play this on your record
when you're alone - before you sleep.
blanketed in blackness.
and your veiled demons begin to lurk
when they tune into your open void.
apparitions of me pervade the ambiance
the rolling base
that rings through you veins
and those lyrics that seem to melt into your blood.
drenching the demons that are wading to ****** you slowly.
I couldn't say that
I didn't **** myself they same.
26 march, 21:27
you ***** it in so easily,
it's always been there - holding on by its last edge.
but you twist it in further and further.
until its impaled,
because now it seems you've broke through already
as its slowly piercing, infecting;
invading my every layer of sense.
so you're chirping away at me,
because your presence lacks.
but see, you're ruthless
with that cradled hammer
that you clutch in your left
as your right mangles in empty air.
you're pounding it,
down into my skull.
tell me, because I don't know
when your hand will stop its manic.
and I don't know how much,
you desire to poison me.
see, I don't even know
if you watch the way in which you
compose your hands to ravage
deeper and deeper
into this head of mine.
24 march , 20:06
you spiralling in my head
i float on a frozen surface,
as my heart bathes
in a stench
of streaming lonesomeness.
put down the knife and fork,
and stop cutting at your gnawing,
I need to show you, the way that
you are slowly
hammering, pounding, crumbling me
That I know will only hopelessly scatter behind you
as you leave again.
Write you a book,
with as many pages as days,
that you have imprinted my dreams.
Frame every single photo in my heart,
which you have seen through your eyes.
Extract this turmoil,
which hurls in your blackened head.
And then fold it neatly by my bedside,
unfold each crease gently
and feed it pure, back into you.
I thought you might have needed me for a moment
and I thought I had you safe.
but how can I get your hands
to take a match and strike it before me.
then your alight contours can dissolve
once you fling the matchstick down my throat.
I hope it catches onto this bloodstream of your soul
so it turns to ashes
that I’ll puff out -
the way you would smoke under those streetlights.
then I’ll melt every words of yours,
once engraved into my mind
with the numbing vision
of you with her.
and lastly, cool me down
- just finish me off.
plunge my skins into the
deepest point of the ocean,
so that I’ll wake up in an ocean without you.
my sleepless goodbye to you
The knife I stroke in my hand
I wish I could lash open
so violent and so cynical,
each vein in my body.
Until each drip of thought of you
runs out my skin in deep red.
Staining every white sheet of naiveness
that I would shield myself in every dark,
since you invaded me
When I call on help,
they are blunt. I am left on hold,
as my room floods with thick red.
Because they say that they are in urgent rush
to stitch up your scars,
and neglecting the ones that you spread onto me
I listen to them as they mouth your name;
and I see
how enchanted and consumed
they talk of your ways and,
how the stars in their pupils beam with a radiance of such pure awe.
Your words hang loose off the tops of their tounges and their lips drool in your glaze.
Your lazy features, your so electric but so infuriating charm -
sends them mindless, locks them in your illusion.
So it’s then
I try to burn every
sheet of paper which ink prints your presence,
inside these desperate shelves which fold upon each heartstring.
My ears attempt to block it out.
Instead they replay every song
that has ever left your lips.
And my eyes deceive me as they scatter
a particle of you on every surface of life I encounter.
My mind echoes every laugh you created in my streams.
Then I paint every colour you ever erupted within me,
in thick black.
As they mouth your name,
every trace of you with anyone but me,
causes my hands to pull through my gut,
and hammer down any of these ******* deceptive daydreams
that you have me trapped me in.
And then so easily, one by one,
debris of my heart crumble like rain
down your window,
down each vein.
1 March 17:03
look at them all
stop watering it,
these roots are getting flooded and they have no life to withstand.
please don’t let any more words
drop out your sweet tongue,
my insides are expanding in agony.
this seed you planted,
I built a fence to protect it from your rain
so it may slowly die.
yet life has broken into it,
and the wind was screaming last night.
I didn’t realise until now.
until I came to find your walls were shattered,
and to my realisation my fence was melted.
that’s when the pain has began
leaking into each vein and intertwines around their blue tunnels.
I am sick at the thought.
these roots stream into my nerves,
closing my sleep, my words
as I only inhale yours through my pipe.
then engulfing this seed
that seems to shoot further up me,
when you are furtherst away.
25 February midnight
this was what you once felt to me
I’m going solo
in these mind games that
you’re not even playing
but it seems you’ve bet me.
My air is tight,
I have no spur to run for you
because you know you’ll get beyond me.
Before I even realise that you
left me miles behind
still wading hopelessly waiting for you
in this whithered race.
25 February, 20:49
I was hopeless for you
If we sped one night in your motor
in ghostly sleeped streets.
Onto a highway, overtaking nightshift drivers.
Their anger would only echoe and
bounce of your back screen window.
Street lights would fade
into roads which passed their trails.
And your senses would dissolve into the music as we rode.
Your fumes polluted the air so much that night,
but I left you forgiven
because it was your last.
The last image in my iris of you flashed,
as my skin was scarcely stabbed.
Your cigar was put out by the force
before your lips could ever taste it again.
It’s last fire was gushed out
by my bottled tears which spilled on the surface.
Then I seen you impaled
your heart oozed out onto the steering wheel,
that had steered us to the end.
Your fingers were the surf that melted into the ocean.
As were your eyes,
enclosed in a forbidden sleep to ensure that
you never awoke and remembered.
But each night I wade with the birds
who sing at the cars looting by
and I inhale their fumes, crying because
they still have miles left unlike you did that night,
when we sped
and you stopped.
21 February, 21:50
when the car raced outside
If he can
rob your last morsels of self love
If he can
so gently butcher your heart,
tear out and slice every nerve until nothing remains
If he can
drive you to this pen at the yawns of night,
to spit out any words that still fail to illustrate how
he erased you
If he can
lead you by the hand to a glass ocean - below it’s depths,
and never let your neck bare the surface
If he can
**** up your sleep
when he haunts every last dream
If he can
eletrecute you down to raw bones
on a clear night
why can’t he fix you?
3 February, midnight
Take off your shoes
because she didn’t want
any traces of the dirt
leftover from the days you spent without her.
Drops, from the water
that night that you had drowned
in the lights of the ocean
with other souls.
take off your jacket because
her perfume is still stained
on the collar.
it was all him but he was never aware
I went on this diet
where all I could eat was words.
They trudged through my guts
stopped my awareness of reality.
I was hungry
and I craved to speak.
But I wasn’t meant to.
So I snacked privately on solitude.
the night was my mind spinning
and counting up
then regurgitating my sinful mistakes.
On cheat days,
I was allowed to ******* tears.
I binged on the salt all day long.
Until they told me stop,
because I looked too full
As the day ended,
my collected tears were thrown down the drain.
And I plated up my words
to begin my meals again.
not like that.
But unbutton the words and unravel threads of turmoil.
Zip open my tongue and pull out my chords.
Reach your hand down my pipe, impale me.
Once you draw out your fingers, look what you’ve caused.
Strip me down,
of thunders in my brain.
Pin me to every corner of your soul
and don’t release until I am swarming.
Feel me gush out,
from release of my soul into yours.
Then break through until I am rotting raw.
One night, January
She left because he always looked down.
He left because she always looked up.
Of course she always looked up,
meaning she would pass strangers faces
and follow life through it’s guide.
It was only she who tasted the stars and the sun and the moon.
She could look at who spoke when she chose to listen,
and looked at smiles and floated through souls.
And read herself to esacpes,
understood brush strokes which formed the art that whispered to her through the rhythmAnd was bitten with dreams
and was thirsty to drown in every ocean she could.
Yet he still never looked up.
He never seen her fully
nor did he discover what was above, infront of her.
She left because she knew
when she looked up,
She was still tied down to his roots.
So she caressed a knife, cutting herself free.
When she looked above now,
her eyes were open brighter and her soul blushed at the winds.
Roots at her feet grew and planted themselves wherever she pleased.
As she left he was blind,
For it was the first time he ever looked up at the stars.
But it was the last time he would ever look up
To see her leave.
Stop being such a cacti.
I’m only trying to move you into sunlight,
to let you learn, grow.
You were such a cacti
because you peirced me with your blunt needle.
yet I still bled,
because it still peirced me through, and skimmed my bloodflow.
I didn’t cry
because I realised that is just simply you.
You were such a cacti
when I tried to water you, my dear.
I only wanted to keep you alive
keep you radiating.
Keep you, as you.
your dagger imapled me.
From my finger and gushed into my left chest.
I now understand you
because you won’t hesitate to grow without my nurture,
and won’t hesitate to peirce with my love.
14 November, night
you could say that
she is the moon that hides in daylight’s glory.
the moon at night when you see no other light.
the torch on your phone when it was late and alone.
But she was
silenced by your presence
awake by your absence.
you are the words flouncing out her hands
shapes from her pencil.
music when you were bored of speech.
direction when you glanced at a compass.
a match you sparked when you lost your lighter but needed smoke.
she will be his sun in the morning
stars at night.
for you will be her eclipse when she wanted less light.
November 14, night
If you look directly into the sun,
when it rises only midway above the branches.
When, if you look extensively, prolonged by the thought of blindness
I see you.
As if you shower me in your own radiance
though I know you only hypnotise me
as you do with them all.
Your warmth on minus levels
and your light after thunder.
Still has a capacity to sheerly strip me of senses
if you are there for too long.
Though they have always missed you when you hide,
we are told to protect ourselves from you burns.
November 18, 8:44am
You in the morning before anything else
you can’t just
play me out until I’m dizzy
and lying on the ground like a lost infant.
you can’t make my words
at once crash off the shelves,
my tongue will drop down my pipe.
perhaps I’ll close my eyes
once open, I am masked.
masked until I am as thick as my skin
punching through the layers inside
as my soul pushes them back.
so that they are well hidden from your luring voice,
like these marks stained on this paper.
12 November 19:54
When I kiss the sun.
I am reborn and I am new, and we are one.
I am awoken and alight.
My temperature spikes and I am blind.
All I see is sun
the stars are watching us
the humans are watching us.
I make their planet dark - whilst I kiss their sun.
She is mine, I see her never, I miss her.
She gives me life I return her love.
We grow young and we live forever.
We stop time because we are their time.
If only we could stop time.
For it won’t exist.
They may have no light
And we are selfish because we love
When we kiss.
I wish to be beautiful without you thus I am not.
For with you my eyes green and my face alight.
My hair burns I am burning.
Burn as we kiss I die.
It’s the thought of your cigarette smoke.
Which cracks through the gaps in your teeth,
and into the hollows of your lips -
becoming so coarse because they are soft.
Clouds of your grey
pollute my eyes.
And you hide behind it until
it has threaded through my every pore
and into my tongue as I swallow into my gut.
I savour as if it was you that I inhaled.
I drown in that somber ocean
of your lighter in the side pocket of your trench,
and the packet which you dig from out your jeans.
As you breath
smoke flows into my ear - pollutes them
With late nights you spend alone.
A half dry pen on tea stained paperd notebooks
that are buried under paperclips and mangled headphones.
The sound as you force, pelting creased paper into the fire.
and tears which drip out onto your sweater.
and echoes of dying guitar strings
that can no longer bare the abuse you show them these nights
when the words and notes won’t kiss.like you want them to.
As it drips down through my gut
I taste the rasp smell of your cologne in the morning
after the rain wastes it off in the morning.
Along with the taste of salt that you drench every word in.
The smoke evaporates from my view.
I stare at your bones glowing under an orange street light..
Your eyes hollow,
eaten up by the shadows and I wonder
if you are in front of me.
Or if I only recognised the familiar grey clouds
- that once hid my blue sky.
9 February, 23:04
your eyes blank with the dimming grey
of the cigarette that you dreamt you held now.
even if it blacks and barricades
your last air - in your last lungs.
Because it’s saving you from your
void into reality.
now the smell of pain’s smoke,
gnaws into the walls of the room you lurk in
from the insides.
spreading to suffocate the ones who
bullet this hatred into your restless head,
under your river of limp hair.
and finally it blanks your glass window so all you see
is your black hole of distort.
Its when it gets to the point when you
can physically place your hands on me
And just zip down the seams
that have caved in fears and neglect
from them all.
Unleashing this wind of fire,
that streams out my chest and
burns you to the core - crisp,
with relief and thanks.
For escaping me, and pulling my souls out
from turmoil ashes.
I think I know exactly
just how you’ll kiss me.
I can already taste the aftertaste of your lingering regret.
See they’ll touch
and you’ll gulp as you swallow
my every last morsel of skin.
At this time each nerve alerts the senses to stop.
they know I’ll soon be left to burn out.
They don’t think you like the taste of me
because as I float down each of your pipes
I only sink deeper into your sorrows.
As if I’m a safety ring that you’ve swallowed to stop yourself from diving any deeper. Into your own
And I understand now
because you are so desperately trying to
regurgitate your last actions.
Only so that you can spit,
Spit my soul back onto the ground.
When you smell her perfume.
That’s when you allow your footprints to walk
this white dress that blanks the inside of me.
And that’s when I stand to my own balance,
to trudge so many steps away from you.
I seen it crawling up my shoulder
as I realised it consuming my shadows.
Thickening and emerging upon my gaze
- as it settles softly into the creases of my shirt
and I imprinted with your selfish.
Since that bomb left your palms,
its flooding the steps upon me.
your gas stained my skin lifeless and pierced me numb.
leaving wounds that won’t close
because they don’t know how you did it.
So much so, that they cry
tears of red and regret for ever nearing close to you again.
Whilst I thought
that you only threw on battlefields,
these deluded bodies around me -
awoke my realisation.
As I inhale the same thin poison
on their skin.
which I feel is dying me.
I lie amongst sheets
that never blanket, but only skim my skin.
The drift bites, encourages the ice
to gradually mould into me
And every night the door is keyed shut
and the window closed, blinds turned
to rule out night.
Yet I manage to smell your steps
crumbling up the bricks
and pervading my neglected presence.
Whilst I awake drenched
solely shedding tears to wash your poison
still stained my pillow.
nurtured in the arms of another's.
birthed in homes inside their minds,
and told to stay low
told we have wings -
not told to use them.
because they might fail us.
our dreams might fail us.
so our sight blocked, to only the
array of sunset.
we sleep through sunrise
- at least they do.
but see we,
we await, we wait until the
sun breaks way,
swallow the waves
eat another into oblivion.
whisked together as the sun turns to us
when she tires from her previous scene
she livens at us.
do not anticipate until she bares full.
do not hesitate until she kisses your iris to black.
fly out to her
and see if wings dissolve like we were told they would.
see if you are dreaming
discover if you are awake.
feel how close to death you are
taste it, but swallow your presence.
when she begins to melt you.
remember that they told you that burns will ****.
who told you the sun will ****** our home, when her end comes.
fear not. fear is your friend.
the sun knows she can impale you so
deep with radiance.
but do not fear,
because last night was when you dreamt of the sun -
and now is when she killed you.
because you were too near.
to the dream.
to follow them will thrill.
and **** once you love them
but what won't ****.
so visit the sun if you dream of her
let your dreams burn you.
because at least you tasted them.
the nights alone, spent lurking.
swimming in another man's souled voice.
is when I apologise for the aching marks I bruise upon myself.
because I've rinsed my heart, clenching my fists.
then ringed it out until there are no senses to swallow
the desperate urge for pain,
from someone else.
to numb the knife of loneliness
which I caress in the dark, then slit.
then I dance this pen,
until it's ink recklessly glides upon bare lines that
pleaded desires sing for pain.
to wipe off this blood, that won't dry
until it has someone to scar for.
but again I'll still stay slicing.
blaming ghosts, dreams, hallucinations.
to wound up isolation.
choke out any last lingering tears
to dilute the escaping blood
in attempt to stain.
to remind me,
that I hurt for something.
— The End —