Sometimes life is extremely ironic,
And laughs at us in our faces.

Like -
Going to church does not make you a Christian,
it won't hide the fact that you're a thief, a liar, a *** or gay.
Taking pills, won't suddenly shake you out of the state you're in,
it won't make you sane.
Placing your feelings and thoughts on paper
Does not make you a poet,
It doesn't not make you a writer.
Getting A's does not make you smart,
Neither do D's make you an idiot.
Clenching your fists and trying to fight back tears,
Won't take away the hurt,
It won't take away the pain,
It won't make you less of a crybaby
Because sometimes you're shattered,
And those tears
Come falling like a waterfall,
And nothing you do can stop it.


What's more sad is,
Having a significant other,
Whose smile is like the sun,
Whose eyes reminds you of coffee,
Whose lips taste feels like stroking icecream with
your tongue,
Except it's not cold,
And whose touch is like no other
Doesn't not cure your depression.
No matter how much sunlight they give off,
The sun always goes down,
It always makes way for the dark.
No matter how their eyes remind you of
something you love,
Sometimes you get lost in them,
And all you see is the reflection of someone you
sometimes detest.
No matter how much their lips feels smooth like
ice cream,
Sometimes mouths get tired, and all that reminds
you of are those that have gotten tired of you all
your life.
No matter how much their touch magic,
Sometimes you're reminded of
All the bad touches you've received in
your life.

You're my sun,
But I've always been dark,
You're the sun,
But sometimes all you can manage to do
Is dry up my rains.

No amount of sun can dry up my oceans,
to stop me drowning in the oceans of sadness inside of me.

-antxthesis

h.s. // 4:24am // 9/7/17 // some days the sun stops shining, some days the sun isn't enough

it's been almost a month
and three weeks since you've left me,
and almost a month and
two weeks since you've gotten with her
and *******,
I've been waiting for you to take me back,
but you don't.

and trust me when I say
I truly am happy for you,
I am,
and I truly do think that she's better for you,
and I have no problem with you speaking of her,
but I can't help but feel a sink in my chest
when you pause our conversation
to read a text from her.
I can't help but feel a little shatter in my chest
as you form that ever so enchanting smile
on your face,
and I can't help but push back the tears in my eyes,
when I see your fingers sprint around the letters on your phone
as you respond ever so intently,
and I can't help but think,
"that probably used to me."

but I smile.

I feel so much, yet I smile and think
"it's okay," because you're supposed to be happy
for the person you love right? So I smile.

but I'm sad, and I shatter a little every day
because she's perfect and I'm not.

I'm a little too hard to handle,
a little too hard to understand,
a little too complicated
but I she's not.

and I cry and depend on razors
a little bit too much,
but she prays and depends on her bible.

and I'm a little too contradictory
and a little too confused,
but she's not.

and so, she's better for you, and not me.

and so I smile.

I smiled when you forgot our lunch session
because you were too busy spending it with her.

I smiled when you forgot to check up on me,
because you probably were too busy
checking up on her.

and I'll always smile
but I'll always shatter inside because
I love you, but you'll always be too busy
loving her.

Today feels a little bit off,
a little bit off than yesterday,
and a little bit off than the day before
yesterday.

If only I could replay January,
as often as I replay Lukas Graham's "What happened to perfect".
If only I could skip to the parts where you were
always here
And erase the parts where you weren't.

If only I could scream "CUT" at the scenes where you start to make my skin itch,
And my temper bomb tick,
like this sheet I'm lying on.

But it feels like we're on different sides of the globe,
And I'm always here but you never want to stay,
you never want to come home.

I wish I could fast foward to the parts where things are okay again,
Where I'm sitting next to you, and you're smiling
and I'm looking at you
Telling you how beautiful you are.
And then I could say:
"This is perfect
Let's pause here."

But we're not starring in a movie,
this is not a song, and
we're not characters in a play
This is real life,
And sadly it is always on play.

You damaged my heart slightly that night,
little pokes here and there,
And my blood is calling out to me,
wanting to be released.
And my razors are sitting smiling at me,
because they know my demise and
they love towhat they're seeing.

but I won't give in, I'm not that weak.

You wrecked my emotions slightly that night,
and it's a emotion crash
in my heart body and mind
"Crime scene" tapes hanging all around
because my happiness was killed
and along with it my laughter died.
And my tears are crashing against the walls of my eyes
because they too know my demise.

but I won't give in, I will not cry.

You took my sleep slightly that night,
staring in the dark,
creating my own sky
It's beautiful and so was I.
And my insecurities are awake
they're by my side
trying to hold my hand
and mock me tonight.

but I won't give in, tonight I'll smile
even if it's fake, I will smile.

Only thing I’ve ever been really scared of is this cage
Been feelin this way since a tender age
Cooped up in this house and now I’m at this stage
Filled with “attitude” and unnecessary rage.

“No you can’t go there”
“Don’t cut your hair”
“Stay right there and don’t you dare give me that stare”
"Can't you see that we care?"

 
I’m 18 and I’ve never celebrated a birthday,
Yes, I get you, Jesus wasn’t grown that way
But are you gonna die if you say
“Yay, happy birthday,
Glad you’re a live to see this day
Keep on being strong, and never go astray,
Oh and here’s a small little cake” ?

 
And no I’m not upset, neither am I mad
But it makes my soul a bit sad
When friends boast and brag
Saying :”hey look at my new bag”
Showing it off as if they’re in some silly ad.

 
Never have I been to the movies or a play
I don’t even have to ask, it’s always nay, never yea
And it taunts me everyday
Then you have the audacity to ask why I am this way.

 
And no, I’m not asking to be like those kids that spend days partyin
Getting high and drunk to make their hearts feel  
In fact I doubt it’s even my scene
Doubt it ever will be
I just want to at least peep and see
If what I imagined is what I'll see,
Please, I want to get rid of this sense of curiosity.

I don’t beg but right now I’m going down on my knees,
For heaven’s sake, I just turned  eighteen,
This is my cry, this is my plea
Prison guards, can I be free?

it's a pity that we
ended so suddenly
& what we had wasn't how you desired for us to be
but I hope sooner or later you'll see
that neither is she.

are all friendships like this?
does one person suddenly get tired and not make an effort anymore?
does every friendship get strung out after a few years, and lose its bliss
when do we decide, to walk out the door?

why do our mouths become desert dry?
& when kind of friendship is built upon lies?

when did our laughs become fake smiles?
& our hellos, turn to goodbyes?

where did we lose our way?
& why can't we find friends that stay?
or why can't we be a friend that stays,
no matter what comes our way?

what if we can't resurrect what we had, my friend?
what if this is the end?

6 am i was there
telling you,
"have a good day at school today my dear."

and at 12 noon,
i would check up on you.

at 10pm
i'd send you off to bed
saying, "sleep tight, and don't worry your little head."

and some nights at three,
when the demons in your head won't flee
i'd tell you stories about me
until you fall asleep.


the amount of days since you left has been sixty-two
and i'm finally beginning to see
that i didn't lose you,
you lost me.

I don't know what it is,
But something's missing
Something's missing from me
And I think that's you.

I feel like a defective doll
One that won't operate without being tuned
One that won't laugh
Without unless you put in a battery
I'm like a mute that won't sing
Unless given a tune.

And that tune, and that battery,
They're you.
And I miss the day we spent basically the whole day together
I miss your presence
& I can't help but feeling
Defective without you.

i could delete your pictures,
i could block you.
i could sit and write a million "i hate you's",
but it doesn't change how i feel about you.

i could delete your number,
i could force my your name down my throat whenever i feel it coming up,
and if it does come up i could puke on it
and flush it like a bad memory.
will this change how i feel?
no.

i could find every song that speaks about the hatred of a love that has gone wrong,
and belt it out at the top of my lungs.
i could burn every poem i ever wrote about you,
and swear to never write another one.
but not even this would change the way i feel about you.

you can check me a thousand years later
and you'll see that my love for you will never run dry.
(h.s)

"I'm content"
"Something's gonna happen, i don't know what it is, i feel it"
-------------------------------

three weeks later i'm sitting, wallowing in self pity,
mourning over a love that has gone sour
making cuts after cuts in my skin,
hoping you'll somehow feel it and hear my cry for help.

i carved the word "perfect" into my skin on November 17-18, 2012
hoping that despite everything that happened that day
i'd still feel perfect
or hoping that seeing it every day,
i'd start believing i'm
Pretty even when drowning in tears with swollen
Eyes that are filled with stars, stars that i often fail to see and that
Regardless of these scars that are etched into my skin, i am
Full of life and
Energy that is immortelle and
Contagious even though i always feel as if i can't go on and
Things are too much.

i guess what i'm trying to say is, i should've carved my name into your heart,
Hoping you'll
Always remember that
Someone like myself is hard to find so therefore
I'm yours always and you are mine and i'll
Never leave nor would i hurt you intentionally, and
Although it feels like we're drifting, i still want you here.

but the ice which we stood on which was our love
has broken,
and is melting and you're on one piece
and i'm on another and if we reach for each other,
we'll drown in the ocean of our love.
and i  don't know what i'm saying anymore,
because my eyes are getting cloudy and so is my mind
and all i can think of is you and if you'd cross that ocean for me.
(h.s)

4:21am
hi, how are you? i hope you're okay. hope you're doing fine. I'm sorry, I've just been thinking as always. you've never said it, but I'm sure you've thought: "you think too much"

4:24am
these past days haven't been going easy you know, and i think you know why. I'm sorry, you're just always on my mind.

4:25am
I'm sorry, it's kind of cold, the fan's on and windows' ajar. was just wondering if you'd hold my hands, I've never felt your hands before, and you've never felt mine. I'm sure they feel like silk, (soft and smooth).


4:26am
i miss you and I'm sorry i came by so late. sorry i didn't know you before. sorry i didn't know you before things changed. sorry that our situation is just not right.

4:28am
it's getting late and I should be sleeping, but i just read something and now i can't take my mind off you.

4:30am
have i ever told you that i love your smile, and there's this "quiet" thing about you that i love. i hope you keep smiling, hope no one ever makes you cry. hope that you're always alright. one of us has to be.

4:32am
i wished things didn't end the way they did. i didn't predict our ending like this. didn't even predict an ending.

4:33am
wish it wasn't so hard seeing you. wish things would go back to normal, wish i could turn back the time to when we first met. ****, those were the best couple weeks of my life. i think they were the best for you too.

4:35am
i still reread our past conversations and they still make me laugh.

4:38m
it's getting late, and i don't know what to say. i love you? still do. and always will. true love never dies.
-h.s.

there are many things i can stop.

i can stop myself from jumping into the road with cars coming to and fro.

i can stop myself from dancing to my favourite song,
out of fear of being ridiculed.

i can stop the clock,
and turn back the hands of time,
hoping to actually go back into time.

i can stop myself from eating for days,
out of fear of getting fat.

i can force myself to study a four page speech in two days
and read off a Shakespeare novel
for an exam the following day.

i can fight through menstrual pain,
but one thing i cannot do,
is stop myself from
falling in love
with
you.

h.s.

what if i told you that
that there are parts of my life 
that move slower 
because you're not in them?

what if i told you that I'm broken and my brain refuses to function,
since you changed?

being broken by you is like reading a story to a deaf child
expecting a smile
or a laugh
or a round of applause
but all that is returned
is a dead stare.

it's like looking for the sunlight in the middle of the night.

it's like playing the piano to a deaf man
in hopes that he'll finally hear,
playing- until your fingers are broken
because all he did was fall asleep.

being broken by you feels like calling your father, who had abandoned you,
for the last time on your 18th,
hoping he'll answer your last call,
but all you heard was: "sorry this number is no longer in service"

it's like repeating your favourite song over and over and over again
because for some reason you're always missing your favourite line.

and i look for you in missed calls and new text messages.
look for you through doorways,
hoping you'll walk through them
saying you're sorry,
and I'd say "It's okay",
as I always did.

being broken is a mother,
telling her son who has turned to drugs and gun to come home,
and he'll look through the window,
but he never opens the door.

he finally does, with a gunshot wound in his chest.
and words rolling of his tongue;
"mommy, I'm sorry"

being broken is me telling you to come home,
indicating to you that I, am home,
but you keep running past the door.

But i pray to God,
that you'll get tired
and stop running
and come home.

have you noticed that there's a r i g h t way to do things?
and that if you had done it any other way it would have been wrong?
have you noticed that certain things only match with certain things,
they fit just r i g h t?
and that's just how it is?
have you noticed there's a left and right on earphones,
and that the one designated for your left, doesn't fit good in the r i g h t?
have you also noticed that only your left hand fits the earphone in your left ear properly?
why is it that your left shoes only fits your left?
and your right shoes only fits your r i g h t?
why is it that your underwear can't be worn both front way and back way?
just as how your shirt can't be worn front way and back way?
why is it that the river flows to the sea,
and not the sea to the river?

don't you think i was made for you?
and you for me?
you see,
just as how the left glove fits perfect on the left hand and the right glove fits perfect on the r i g h t hand,
you were the r i g h t and perfect one for me and I for you.

it's almost 1am and I'm wide awake
thinking about how i could never get you to stay,
how i could never get you to understand that you're important in every way.
thinking how did things end up this way
knowing there's no "right" thing to say
knowing though i see you everyday
things will never be the same.

and I'll forever remember our last "proper" conversation,
where you cried because of me leaving.

and I'll never know if those tears were genuine,
if you felt something tug at your heart
or you just didn't want to seem bad.
because in that moment,
all i could think about is how much i miss you,
though you were right there

because at that moment,
all i could feel was you slipping away
though you were in my arms

because at that moment
i realised, things will probably never be the same,                                  
because whatever we are, i still remember the way we were.

and I'm sorry for whatever i had done or whatever I had not done

because all i really wanted was to show you that love is actually real

wanted to show you that someone can actually care for you

wanted to make you happy,

wanted you to feel something you had never felt before

and I'm not angry, neither am i upset.
I am just confused, sad and bitter,
wishing you'd come home
wishing you would say why.

just want you to know that i miss you,
and whenever you're ready,
even if it's never
there'll still be room for us.
(h.s)

And if someone asked me how much I miss you, & even though words cannot formulate how much my being aches for you I'd say:

"I think I miss him the way how the football field misses the knees of men, as they kneel in victory.

Think I miss him in the way how a child misses her mother's breast, as she has gotten too old for that now.

Think I miss him the way a mother misses the bulge in her belly, after she has given birth.

Think I miss him the way how the playground misses the children, because they're on summer break.

Think I miss him the way how a druggie misses the smell of *******.

Think I miss him the way how a stripper misses the pole after work and the way how a ******* misses being penetrated.

Think I miss him the way how a mother miss her cold blooded, murdered son

Think I miss him the way how the sheet misses lovers after nights of *** only to find out they're lovers no more.

Think I miss him the way the trees miss leaves during fall
And the way how the ground misses the leaves during spring.

Think I miss him the way how the sky misses the moon during the day and the way how it misses the sun during the night.

Think I miss him the way how my lips misses his, and in the way how my finger misses his skin."

And if they ask when I miss you the most:

"I think realize I miss him when the most, when days get rough, and the days when forcing a smile just isn't enough."

Am I really over you,
When I constantly wish to taste your lips once more
To cling onto you for a bit more,
To laugh at your jokes once more
And to gaze in your eyes for 3 more seconds, because that's the longest i could manage ?

Am I really over you,
When every poem since then has a bit of you,
When everything someone says & every little thing I come across reminds me of you ?

I think at 11:11 tonight, I'll wish for you.

11:11 (2)

Wish I could take back that "*******"
Wish I could take it crush it,
Use my tears as kerosene & burn it.
That "*******" ruined everything,
That "*******" changed me since.

& if I could apologise a million times I  would.
I would've written at your doorsteps,
I would've written on your sheets
I would've written it in your notebooks
& in every single place we'd meet.
I would've written it in your palms
I would've written it over your walls
I would've written it upon the ground on which you trod.

And when we meet instead of saying "hi" I'd say "I'm sorry".

Wish I could rewind to the day you said "Marry me?"
I swear that was the funniest, but best day of my life
& you made me laugh like no other
Smile like no other
And it's still the same five months later.

Wish I could rewind to the day we first kissed,
And if I knew it was the last,
I would've made the best of it.
I would've held on so tight
That you eventually start begging me to let go.

Wish you didn't want *** so much
Wish we could've thrived on just love.
Wish nudes weren't your requirements
Wish you never gave up.

Wish my heart would stop calling your name !
If only you knew, it's in constant quarrels with my brain
My heart wants you,
But my mind's saying "just let him fade away"

Wish you could make you me smile one more time.
And I wish you'd give us one more try.

I know it's only wishful thinking, because you'd never want back a mess like me.

And I'm sorry that I left your heart at the peak of that cliff
The cliff that we had climbed to,
Yeah that cliff we reached
That cliff where you liked me
That cliff where I liked me.

And I'm sorry that I walked away,
You just weren't giving off light anymore
No spark, no flame. Nothing
You were dull, things got dull.

And I'm sorry I told you to that we should go separate ways.
I thought that was best.
You were falling,
And I wasn't about to catch you
Because at the bottom of that cliff, I was frolicking with another.
Too bad he turned me down days later, for another.

AND I AM SORRY THAT I CANNOT LIKE YOU IN THE WAY THAT YOU LIKE ME ANYMORE
AND I'M SORRY THAT YOUR HEART ACHED THE DAY I LEFT
And your mind .. ?
I'm sorry that it's stuck on me.
I'm sorry that you still think about me,
I'm sorry I'm still in your dreams
And I'm sorry that your shirt still smells like me from the last time we hugged.

And I'm sorry that until now, I've never been able to write a proper poem about you,
I'm sorry that I cannot finish this one, because I'm in tears and my fingers are getting weak and I just can't .. I'm sorry

And I'm sorry that I left your heart at the peak of that cliff
The cliff that we had climbed to,
Yeah that cliff we reached
That cliff where you liked me
That cliff where I liked me.

And I'm sorry that I walked away,
You just weren't giving off light anymore
No spark, no flame. Nothing
You were dull, things got dull.

And I'm sorry I told you to that we should go separate ways.
I thought that was best.
You were falling,
And I wasn't about to catch you
Because at the bottom of that cliff, I was frolicking with another.
Too bad he turned me down days later, for another.

AND I AM SORRY THAT I CANNOT LIKE YOU IN THE WAY THAT YOU LIKE ME ANYMORE
AND I'M SORRY THAT YOUR HEART ACHED THE DAY I LEFT
And your mind .. ?
I'm sorry that it's stuck on me.
I'm sorry that you still think about me,
I'm sorry I'm still in your dreams
And I'm sorry that your shirt still smells like me from the last time we hugged.

And I'm sorry that until now, I've never been able to write a proper poem about you,
I'm sorry that I cannot finish this one, because I'm in tears and my fingers are getting weak and I just can't .. I'm sorry

To: The brokenhearted girl

And to the boy who broke your heart,
I honestly hope he's happy,
I hope he's pleased with what he had done.
I hope he's sleeping peacefully, because you aren't.

I hope he shivers in pain, when he thinks of you
I hope his ears get tired of hearing your name
Over, and over and over again
Especially on nights when he's restless.
Especially on nights when he can't sleep
Especially on nights when his eye lids won't shut.
I hope he remembers the taste of your lips
And yearns for it when your lips hits the lips of another man.
I hope his dreams are filled with images of you
Images of you happier than ever,
Images of you finding someone that's better.
I hope when he eats, he remembers how your hand cradled the food
How your lips surrounded it and how your jaws turned almost hypnotically as you savoured the food the same way you did to his tongue.

And I hope when the lips of another are on him, they'll feel like yours
And her touch, will feel like your touch,
And her hair,
Her hair ..
I hope it smells like yours.
And I hope the kisses of another, will feel like lashes compared to yours
And i hope their touch, will feel like burns compared to yours
As if he's receiving a punishment for letting you go
As if he's receiving a punishment for falling in the arms of another.
As if he's receiving a punishment for using the word "love" too much.

And i hope the minute he utters "I love you" , he'll remember the times he told you,
He'll remember each one of them as if it was yesterday,
Remember which ones were lies,
Break down in tears
And comes crawling back to you.

But darling, don't forget to tell him it's too late.

Sincerely,
An onlooker
(h.s)

I got out of bed with a bit of uneasiness,
I decided that it's been too long since I've written.. I think the last time I did was last week
...or the week before ?
I looked at the date, and make me twitch,
Made a tear, or two fall
Made my heart break in a few more pieces.
DID YOU KNOW THAT IT'S BEEN A MONTH SINCE WE MET ? Figuratively that is ..
DID YOU KNOW, that you've broken me into minute pieces ??
Pieces unable to be detected by microscopes ??
Pieces that can't be felt or touched with your naked hand?
DID YOU KNOW ?
No you don't.
You've been too busy missing her every second, like you did with me.
Been too busy upset with her, like you were with me.
Been too busy telling her how much you like her like you did with me.
HECK, YOU'VE BEEN TOO BUSY WORSHIPPING HER ANGELIC FACE, LIKE YOU DID WITH ME !
YOU'VE BEEN TOO BUSY BEGGING HER, TO SEE HER FULL BODY, LIKE YOU DID WITH ME !
YOU'VE BEEN TOO BUSY telling her of your childhood, and how you missed your dad
..too busy telling her how suicidal you were, and how placed a gun to your head.
And you're probably too busy, telling her of me.
YOU'VE BEEN TOO BUSY, SITTING, FORMULATING THE LIES YOU'LL TELL ME NEXT, AS TO WHY YOU'VE HAD NO TIME FOR ME : "I was helping my mom with the Christmas tree" "Someone was using my phone" "Sorry I was sleeping" - (WAIT DIDN'T YOU SPEND NIGHTS UP WITH ME TELLING ME YOU HAVE INSOMNIA ? ) "Sorry I was out" "Sorry I was on a call" . AND I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE TRUE, I DON'T CARE IF I'M EMOTIONAL BUT THAT'S TOO MUCH 'I'M SORRYS' . TOO MUCH EXCUSES, TOO MUCH LIES.
And I'm sorry that I made a mistake and liked you so much. I'm sorry for letting you taking up my phone space,
With pictures of you that an artist would find hard to formulate.
Sorry you were my screensaver.
Sorry I told my sister about you ..yeah I told her how adorable you were
And I told her you were my ''soon to be boyfriend" ...
And I'm sorry that I pushed another into the fire because of you
Yeah I'm sorry I pushed him aside.
But karma's a ***** and I knew it would get me, I told you it would AND I TOLD YOU IN THE END I'D BE HURT, and you told me no, and I would be.
Darling being replaced doesn't bother me, it doesn't make my bones crack,
It doesn't make my heart cry ..
It's the mixed signals.
Today you're all flirty with me, tomorrow you're calling me names.
WHY DON'T YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND ?!
I know you no longer need be, and to be honest you never did,
So be honest with me and let me leave you alone ??

I'm also sorry for listening to your lies.
I should've known though, by the signs you gave,
"Let's be friends with benefits?"
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS WHEN I WAS HOPING WE'D GO SOMEWHERE ?? F.W.B, WHEN I WAS HOPING WE'D BE TOGETHER ONE DAY ? F.W.B, WHEN YOU SAID YOU LIKED ME MORE THAN YOU SHOULD'VE ??
Special to be used then thrown aside ?
What did you want ? A piece of me ?
I should've have know when you said I was special, after I said you were my "soon to be boyfriend "
And I'm sorry you'll never get to see this.
But I hope you suffer from your mistakes
And rot in the arms of any other you come across,
Because no one will EVER adore you like I DID.

There was a day,
When my fingers could not keep count,
Of the number of friends I had.
But those days are like a fairytale,
Never to return again.

They’ve all slipped through my fingers,
And I’m sorry for what I’ve done.
Even though to me,
It’s unknown,
Like a mystery.
Maybe I should summon Nancy Drew.

What went wrong ?
Maybe I wasn’t good enough for you.
Maybe I was just too much for you,
Too overwhelming.
Maybe I was too much of a luggage for you to carry around,
Too emotional.
Maybe I got too heavy
And you decided to place me into the middle of the road-
To take on the whole world in my hands,
That can barely hold a dime,
-or just to watch the world move on.

Maybe I was just too dark,
And relied on that blade too much.
Maybe I’m not pretty enough,
And my scars are too scary for you.
Or maybe it’s because I’m
D   i   f  f  e  r  e  n  t,
Just maybe,
It’ll always be maybe because you just disappeared.
Without leaving a message or note.
If it’s just to say:
“Talk to you soon”,
Even if it’s not soon.
You just stopped saying “Hi”,
And stopped showing that you ‘cared’

I’m sorry for being me,
But it’s okay,
‘cause if I was in your place,
I wouldn’t even stop to say “Hello” to me.

Daddy what ?
Did you just say you love me ?
Daddy, did you just touch me ?
But wait,
I’m not you size
I’m only three
Just treat me right.
Did you just tell me to be quiet ?
I’m smart daddy
And I know this is violence.
This is abuse
Because at times I’m refused
And what is it now daddy ?
Clean your shoes ?


Daddy stop,
I’m getting old,
I’m getting wiser,
Bigger and bold.
Sooner or later,
You’ll be exposed.
What ?
You’ll **** me, you’ll take my life ?
No daddy please,
I’m your only child.


What do you want daddy ?
I’m now fifteen
Don’t you think you’ve seen and had enough of me ?
Don’t you think it’s my time to be free ?
Haven’t you felt enough of my body ?
Aren’t you happy  you took my virginity ?
You took my innocence
I’m now left with insanity.
Don’t be mad just listen please!


Don’t beat me, I did nothing wrong,
From I was one
I’ve been singing this unhappy song.
Your scars are engraved over my skins
From your treacherous whip
You say you care,
But if this is care,
Please stop caring.

Maybe you’re wondering why,
Why is it so hard to pry inside,
Inside of me, inside my mind
The crevices the corners and  literally to pry inside – to get between my thighs.
Well what you see is what you get.
The first time you saw me I was with my sister and you said that
I was the one with attitude,  
And to be honest the look in our eyes was saying “I want to kiss her” (mysister)
But in the end,
Your lips were glued onto mine
Your arms around my waist.
But the smell of your girlfriend was still on your shirt
and to be frank,
I think you miss her.

Now we’re in the middle of nowhere,
You and I,
I’m lost but you seem found,
Seems as if I’m all you want
And it seems as if
not even my heart latched onto my ex’s heart could keep us apart.
I know it’s been months
but I still have hope,
I still have the string which tied our hearts,
and it’s worn and I know I should let go,
But sometimes I can see him,
Sometimes I feel him coming back
But when I get a reality check-
when someone pinches me-
when I wake up,
I realize it’s the ghost of our love in disguise.
Our love is dead gone and buried.
He has laid it to rest.
And I still visit the tombstone,
and I take roses in case the ghost of our love smells it,
and it revives you know, come back alive,
and I also cry,  
shed tears maybe they’ll drench through
and be enough to revive our love again.
I also laugh,
Because that’s how you taught me to deal with problems,
“Just laugh at them”
Maybe one day I’ll laugh too loud,
And my tummy and jawbone will hurt
And our love will revive again,
And I’ll see you popping out from behind a tree.
But those are just maybes.

---
And I’m sorry that I can’t give you my love,
I’m sorry that I can’t let you have my heart,
But I can’t let another man rip it apart.
At least let me take time to heal.
I’ll need more than a doctor and bandages.

What is it that makes one better
In this competitive world ?

What is it that makes one better,
In this creative world ?

What is it that makes one better
In this poetry world ?

What is it that makes your poem
Better than mine ?

Is it the cleverness of your rhymes,
Which fits so neatly into every line ?

Is it the complexity of one’s word
That portrays you as a “nerd”?

Is it the gender?
Or is it ones race?

Is it popularity ?
Or is it ones age ?

Is it experience ?
Because I think it has to do with willingness
And eagerness and how determined one is
Rather than the colour of skin

What makes you better than me ?
What makes you succeed?

Is it because of my background ?
Or is it because I’m not a tinge of brown?

Don’t judge me because of my frown,
That I wear and embrace like a crown .

I’m here too,
I have a purpose too

Don’t overlook me,
Don’t overlook us.

Give each a chance to S H I N E.

It doesn’t matter how hard I try,
I still see you.

No matter how hard I try
To scrub my thoughts free of you,
I still see you.

I still see you in the smiles of little kids,
Still see you in the anger of men
Still see you in the little things I do,
How I laugh at the mishaps of other and myself
And heartbreak,
To make the situation not that bad.
All I see is you.

But no matter what I do,
I can never see you coming back,
Maybe that’s why I keep looking behind my back
Looking around corners
And looking in between cracks
Maybe that’s why I still cling onto you
Maybe that’s why I still write about you,
Because I secretly hope you’ll come back.

No matter what I do, I still see you.

It's sad when a boy hurts a girl so much
That she can't see herself living another,
And all she thinks about is him.
It's sad when she texts him, and there's no reply
Only to find out the next day,
He has moved on with his life.
It's sad when she clings onto her memories of them
And sits on the edges of what they had-
This so called "love".
It's sad when she sees his name or initials repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly..
It's truly sad when she waltzes with herself in the dark,
To the songs which were your favourite..

It is truly sad, because her life is centered around you now than ever.
It is truly sad.

I watched a gardener,
As she plucked some weeds out of the ground.
Some already dead; withered
And some still living,
Enjoying the short span of life they had left.

We are just like these flowers,
Frolicking in the wind,
With God as our gardener,
Slowly plucking each of us out of this earth.

But others are still there,
Frolicking,
Making the most of life,
Blooming and blossoming like flowers.

But then there are others,
That grow and wither.
Wither because they are too weak,
So frail and small,
Unable to withstand the force of the wind,
For the wind’s too strong,
It’s too much.
So they break and fall and slowly w i t h e r.

It’s like life’s too much,
And not a soul stops by to prune them,
Or water them,
And watch them grow beautifully.
So they just wither a w a y ..

It’s been approximately 4 weeks,
29 days ,
696 hours,
1002240 minutes
and 6013440 seconds
since you’ve left
And since then,
I’ve never met a boy like you.

Of all they boys I’ve met,
None of the speaks like you
None of them gives the jokes that you give
None of them says “You've got a million dollar smile”
And their eyes don’t say “It’s alright.”

It’s been It’s been approximately 4 weeks,
29 days ,
696 hours,
1002240 minutes
and 6013440 seconds
since you’ve left
And of the 4 boys I’ve met.
None of them,
None of them are like you.

I like how you overlook me like I’m a dwarf,
I like how you act as if we didn’t have a past.
I like your sly remarks
And how you’re ready to say you’re sorry rather fast.
I really like how you've dislodged me from your head
And how you ignore all the words we've said.
But you know,
I can bet you a thousand kisses,
That you wish I was dead
And a thousand more that you want me in your bed.
Oh how I wish that this could end
Oh how I wished that we were friends,
Oh how I wish that we could forget-
Forget it all and have no regrets.
But I’ve learnt that wishes-
they don’t always come true.

I loved and i lost

I gave and i lost

I loved you and i lost

I gave you my heart and i lost.

I gave you my heart

So you could take care of it

I wanted you to hold it into our hands

I wanted you to treat it like a baby

But instead you played with it.

But it's partly my fault,

I should have realized when you used the word 'play'

To be honest you used it almost every day

Playing a game

Or playing football

Or playing dominoes

They were all the same .

It was a sign

You were always playing

Probably up until today you still think this is all a game.

WELL THIS IS NOT A GAME !!

IT'S NOT A GAME WHEN THE PATCH THAT'S LEFT AFTER YOU TORE MY HEART FROM MY CHEST,

BLEEDS EACH DAY

IT'S NOT A GAME WHEN I WRITE MYSELF TO SLEEP

IT'S NOT A GAME WHEN I'M NOW LOOKING AT THE WORLD WITH HATE

IT'S NOT A GAME CAUSE THINGS ARE NOT THE SAME !!

IT'S NOT

I'M HURTING

MY MIND HURTS

MY BODY HURTS

I CAN'T MOVE

I'M NUMB

BABY IT'S NOT A GAME WHEN SINCE THE DAY YOU WALKED THROUGH MY LIFE'S DOOR

NOTHING'S GOING WELL

IT'S NOT A GAME WHEN I'M IN THE OCEAN OF DEPRESSION

AND I'M DROWNING

It's not a game when after 15 days

I still call you my boyfriend

'Where's my bf ?'

'My boyfriend' this and 'my boyfriend' that

It's not a game when i have to be correcting myself

By screaming "HE'S YOUR EX YOUR EX !!!!!!"

Maybe it's because i still hope that we have a chance of being together.

It's not a game when I'm left with nothing

It's not a game dear

It's not a game

I loved and i lost.

Now that we're done

And now that you've left

I've come to think

See and breathe more clearly now

You see i now realize that i was just drunk

Addicted and high.

I was under your influence

But it has now cone to an end.

If only you knew how much nights i spend awake

If only you knew how how much i gaze at your face

I cropped the only photo I have left of you

And i stare at it for hours

And i enlarge it just to feel your presence

It makes me feel as if you're right here, with me.

And oh that smile

Oh how it drives me wild.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just not over you.

If only you know there are days when i need you

Days when I'm not okay

Days when i need you to make my day

And you're just not there

My heart screams and calls and rants and raves but you don't hear

In fact you don't even care.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just not over you.

If only you knew that i reread the poems i wrote for you

From the days when my mind had wrapped its fingers around you

And would not even let go

And it really hurts to know you're not the same

It hurts to know those days are gone.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just not over you.

If only you knew that I've been having sleepless nights

If only you knew that every night there's a fight between my eyes and I

If only you knew that the times i go to sleep

Are getting less

Last week it was minutes past five

This week the hours have decreased a lot,

The latest was 1:55.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just not over you.

If you only knew how much I've written about you

You're special don't you think ?

During our days of bliss

I wrote 12 poems,

Some you didn't hear

And after, which is now

I've written the same or maybe more.

If you only knew that i not only write about you with pens and pencils

Or in word documents

But I've written about you with blades on my wrists

Even my eyes have stories to tell

And if you look closely you'll be able to decipher them.

My heart also has one to tell and if you listen carefully you will hear.

It's been two weeks since you slammed the door to my life

It's been two weeks since you've left

It's been two weeks and I'm just about getting over you.

Hi,

You must be wondering why i began with hi
It's because that was the first thing i said to you..
When i met you for the first time..
'Hi' with a silly 'boy I'm crazy over you smile'
It's funny how i kinda wanted this relationship to end,
Because i didn't feel ready
Or because i didn't think i could satisfy your aching soul,
Or even because i thought you were moving too fast,
Cause i was on a little bicycle
While you were in a Ferrari going at maxima velocidad- full speed.     

Now, I'm having sleepless nights And millions of fights with my twisted telephone cord mind
It's as if my mind is not capable of sleeping,
Since the day you left...
It's making a million enquires..
'Was i that bad?'
'Were my demands too much?'
I know i wasn't able to satisfy your needs,
Cause you wanted nudes
And all i wanted was love..
I guess our interpretations of love were different..

I miss you
I miss you

My heart cries your name each night
I think its voice is getting hoarse.
Cause i can hardly hear it anymore
My heart misses you
I ****** miss you..
I miss telling you what to do
I miss you falling asleep each night
And i miss cursing you for it the following day..

I miss telling you my poems
And I miss you telling me how much you adore them
I miss you being mean to me
I miss your silly jokes
I miss you talking about our make belief future
And how you wanted 16 boys..

I miss your stubbornness
And i miss you telling me 'k' when you didn't like what i said, like fifty times each day..

And i don't know why you left,
I don't know
You just said 'goodbye ms swan',
Like i was nothing
And you just just left me hanging there like the sigh in my breath
After you repeatedly do something that i told you not to do again..
I guess I'm just good at letting nice things go

I wanted you to fix me
But i guess no human can keep me  together cause I've been broken since i was born..

And to my surprise
I've never cried since the day you
left
Not over you and not over anyone
Cause i think my eyes are tired and they knew what was coming..
Instead of teared filled pillows and swollen eyes,
I experience a swollen heart mind body and soul
And millions of headaches..
I experience sleepless nights, ****** tissues and swollen wrists
I experience depressing songs and teary eyes
Cause yes, the tears do come, but they just fill my eyes
And then they disappear
Just dries up..
I wish my feelings for you were like that
I wish they'd just vanish.
I'm not always like this you know
No
Some days I'm like 'yes I'm over him' but then some days I'm like 'i miss him so much'

And to be honest,
I'm not usually like this
I'm not usually heartbroken, no
In the past, I'd make you sit and wait at the door to my heart
I'd make you wait,
And you'd bang and bang and I'd never let you in
But this time was different
You stole the key
You took it
I guess i should say you earned it ?
Or
You deserved it ? ..

But it really chopped me like
a sword when you gracefully danced out of my life
And since then I've written what 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
10 poems ?

I guess having someone is really a win win situation for a writer,
When they're here and when you're all in love and happy you have inspiration
And when they're gone..
You still have inspiration..

Why does it hurt so much to let you go ?
I know one day i will and that day I will be the happiest person alive.

For the first few minutes i had considered this little 'argument' a big joke
And i laughed and laughed
Oh how it sweet it was.
But when you said "******* Hasina"
It pierced my heart
I think pierce is a bit too slight
I think it's a bit too little to depict how wrecked i felt
Instead it was like a storm
A blow to the face
A hurricane
Oh how you filled my heart with pain
Oh how i felt ashamed and disgraced
I don't think I'd be wrong if i said it left a hole in my soul
And it took the whole of my heart.

And i will take the blame
I shouldn't have said "*******" in the first place.
But what you said was different
You used my name.
My heart cried !
And my soul died !
And i could feel it leave me
I felt it walk away
It left me numb
Almost dead.
Is this good bye ?
Or is this give him another try ?

What i want

It's 2:03am
And i should be sleeping
But I'm dreaming
Dreaming of you boy.

Dreaming of what i want
And what i want ..
Is you boy.