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Jul 2014 · 543
Dream Boy
antxthesis Jul 2014
Maybe one day I'll find him
And when i do,
I'm sure as hell, that I won't hide him.
I swear I'll treat you like a king
Cause I'll be your queen
And we'll reign supreme.
I ain't perfect but I'll try to be
I'll give out all my love-
Enough for you and me.
So much love that we'll be swimming in it
We'll be dancing sleeping and drinking in it.
And then we'll get married and have babies,
And we'll treat them like little princes and princesses
We'll love them and we'll care no matter what.
I know we'll argue cause that's what couples do
But i won't last long..
Maybe just a minute or two..
And everyone would see us,
They'll look on
And our parents.. **** they'd be so proud.
And I pray that we'll last forever
And I'll love you like no other.
And you'll care for me so much and you'll know when something's wrong.
You'll know how to hug me and wipe my eyes when i cry
You'll know say you're sorry and mean it
And you'll see my scars and understand
And you'll look in my eyes and see
the pain
And through thus you'll love me just the same.
Oh dream boy..
Where are you ?
Jul 2014 · 355
Lost battle
antxthesis Jul 2014
Been looking on my arms
And i realized for the first time in months that my scars had been to fade..
It's been 4 months since I've taken up this blade.
I've been on top of the world between then and now..
And now..
I feel like I'm at the bottom, intertwined with the earth's crevices and it's so dark and scary,
oh God but I'm okay.
My lover's got me high off him for months and
I've forgotten what the real world was.
I'd forgotten how cold and dark the world was.
And now I'm here sitting sitting and waiting.
And i can hear the blade calling calling and calling..
Taunting at my soul.
And I'm just crying, crying because it's been months and i was on the verge of giving up..
And i gave in..
Oh how peaceful it felt..
Oh how i felt at ease. Oh how beautiful the blood flowed.
So freely from the veins of my soul. And i could hear it screaming "freedom freedom at last".
And the tears never stopped flowing from my eyes..
For I've lost another battle..


I've lost.
Jun 2014 · 2.0k
One lonely girl
antxthesis Jun 2014
One lonely girl,
Isolated.
Many girls –
Students,
Few friends,
Where are they ?

Big room,
Cold air,
Shivering.
Dripping blood.
Shaking legs,
Restless.

Presenter..
Voice echoes,
Words fly,
None perch.
Maybe just a drops..
Like dew.

Little girl;
Sitting there,
Thoughts of you.
Take her hand .. ?
Jun 2014 · 1.5k
Little Girl
antxthesis Jun 2014
Hey there,
little girl,
yes you little girl,
stop crying,
stop lying,
I know you’re trying little girl.
You’re smarter that you think, t
hrow the sharp silver down the sink,
open your eyes, no more good-byes
you can fly, little girl.
You have a purpose
don’t be nervous,
you can work this, little girl.
Don’t let that boy corrupt your head,
with those derogative things he said,
he’s crazy,
don’t be lazy to tell him “NO!”,
little girl.
Don’t let those girls bully you,
crush them like dirt under your shoe,
you can do this,
I can prove it,
listen to me,
little girl.
And if your parents are quarreling,
close your eyes and start to sing.
In a minute it’ll be over
and they’ll be sober, little girl.
And if you’re parents don’t treat you right
and every time you’re in a fight,
count to three, close your eyes and let the music be your guide.
When you can’t sleep at nights and
deep inside you want to cry,
look to me,
I’ll be your friend and put your tiny head to bed.
Who am I?
I am hope, here to free your body, mind and soul.
Let me be your best friend.
Hey, guess what?
You’re beautiful little girl.
Jun 2014 · 8.3k
Happiness
antxthesis Jun 2014
Happiness, hmm, happiness
What does that word really mean ?
‘Cause for years I’ve been trying to find out,
I think you’ve found it,
But are you willing to help, me find it too ?
Jun 2014 · 956
It is hell
antxthesis Jun 2014
Money is not everything.
But life’s a struggle when you can’t afford a thing.
Life’s difficult,
when money’s not in your reach.
It’s as if it floats by on a leash,
with its ‘owner’ behind.
You stretch out the hand which has gotten so tired of stretching,
to touch it,
to feel it,
to hold it ..
Even if it’s just for a minute.
But as it’s about to land,
it gently flows off to another man;
whether to the doctor,
teacher,
the mechanic,
or the fisher woman.
Life’s hell when you don’t have it.
It’s hell when your hand is at your jaw,
and the other scratches your head like a dog’s paw.
It’s he’ll when you worry about your other meal,
because the fridge is empty.
There’s not even an orange seed.
It’s hell,
when you have to think about the light being gone,
the water being gone
and the internet being gone.
It’s hell when the amount of money left can be counted on your finger,
which means it’s a number: one digit – one figure.
It’s hell when you worry about the kids and what they think.
It’s hell when you have to borrow as if there’s no tomorrow,
borrow so much, it seems as if there’s a hole in your hand –
one the size of a rabbit’s burrow.
Mostly it’s hell when your throat gets hoarse from calling out to God for so long,
when you deprive yourself from food for so long ..
But still, no response.
It’s as if God’s saying:
*“Be still my child, that’s where you belong.”
Jun 2014 · 1.1k
Will I ever be okay ?
antxthesis Jun 2014
Will I ever be okay?
I don’t know
It’s like I don’t know where to start.
It’s like everything is falling apart.
What did I do ?
What did I say?
Where did I go wrong ?
These are the questions that go through my head,
As I write this page,
And wonder in which day and age,
Will I ever be okay . .
Jun 2014 · 8.1k
Roses are red
antxthesis Jun 2014
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
You helped me
So I’ll help you too.
Jun 2014 · 8.5k
Roses are red
antxthesis Jun 2014
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You like me
And I like you too.
Jun 2014 · 9.0k
Roses are red
antxthesis Jun 2014
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
You ‘love’ me
But I don’t love you.
Jun 2014 · 9.8k
Roses are red
antxthesis Jun 2014
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You hurt me
So karma will get you.
antxthesis Jun 2014
Something was wrong.
I had an idea of what it was.
But I said “Impossible, how could this be?”
Whispers filled the room,
over here,
over there.
No eye contact was made.
Silence.
No one wished to speak.
But as long as my secret was with me I felt safe.

I was wrong. It was not safe.
I couldn’t hide what I felt,
I never usually could.
Tears streamed down my face like a river.
What for?
Like a snail I crawled into my shell.
Concealed from the world, where no one but myself could hurt me.
This silver thing glistened in my hand and with a smile,
my work was done.
It was like crimson red, flowed so freely.
I wish I was that free.
This was my only help.

The day faded and a new day was born.
Little did I know that trouble was knocking at my door.
Questions were asked.
A lot.
Harsh statements were made.
Laughter here and there.
Obviously, the cat was out of the bag.
Jun 2014 · 11.1k
Heartbeat (tunes)
antxthesis Jun 2014
I listened to my heartbeat,
It sounded like a tune,
Sounded like a tune that I’d beat for you.
Rhythmically it plays,
From high to low
Smooth to rough,
In tones it grows.
One day a screeching beep you’ll hear,
As it slowly fades and never to return again.
Enjoy this tune while it lasts,
So you won’t have to look back and regret your past.
Screeching beep is the sound you hear when you’re lying in the hospital bed, and you’re attached to that machine and then  heart stops beating, and it’s no longer that squiggly line, but a straight line
Jun 2014 · 669
My Addiction
antxthesis Jun 2014
You’re becoming like nicotine
Yes, you’re like a drug to me-
Morphine,
******,
Ketamine,
All of these.
You’ve become my only source of joy,
I’m addicted to you boy.
I want to see you,
Touch you
And play with you like my toy.
I’m getting crazy over you,
Soon I’ll be sadly in love with you
And I will stick to you like glue.
You’ve taught me how to laugh and smile,
Because I haven’t in a while.
You’re always at the forefront of my mind:
“Where is he?”, “What’s he doing ?”, “Is he alright?”
You’ve
     Opened up my
     Delicate
     Heart.
Boy, you’re my
   Only
   Daily source of
   Happiness.
You’ll be my Obritine
And I’ll be your Hasitine.
Let’s get high off each other.
Jun 2014 · 9.6k
Gentleman
antxthesis Jun 2014
It’s weird how one vaguely remembers important days,
Like a friend’s birthday.
But I’ll remember one day,
And no, it wasn’t my friend’s birthday,
But actually, it was mother’s day.
I’ll always remember it,
Because you said you were cooking for your mom
And I remember thinking:
“What a gentleman!”
I’ll remember it because you were at church that day,
And I laughed because the idea of you being at church,
Made me believe for a while that you were actually a “Good boy”- a gentleman.
Most of all though,
I’ll remember that day,
Because you practically asked me If I liked you.
I remember saying to myself: “He’s a genius!”
Because you twisted it up,
But to be frank, I would have done the same thing too.
Instead of saying : “Do you like me ?” – (like a normal being);
You asked : “Is there a boy that you currently like?”
I also remember thinking ,
“How awkward”
Because my feelings for you were as clear as the sea,
But here you are asking, if I liked you.
I’ll remember that day, because I imagined how misty the smoke would look as it forced its way out of your lungs,
After a deep inhalation of the one you called: “Marie”
I’ll remember creating scenes in the desert of my mind
Of how it would feel to meet you for the first time –
if you’d hug me and smile,
Like a gentle man.
I’ll remember that day because I kept wondering:
“What if our first encounter was bad? “
“What if he doesn’t like what he sees?” –
I remember laughing because thought it was funny.
I’ll remember thinking that I should stop building feelings for you so fast.
I’ll remember it because I made my imaginations get the better of me –
I imagined us in the place where my only use for that place is to sleep.
I’ll remember that day because trying to get you off my mind failed once more-
Because when I fell asleep you were at the forefront of my mind
And when I woke up,
You still were.
Jun 2014 · 994
Letting go
antxthesis Jun 2014
Today marks a month since we haven’t spoken.
Today marks a month since our friendship was broken.
I don’t know what happened,
And I don’t know what I did.
All I remember is the letter I wrote…
The letter which took us
                                                                ­                a   p  a  r  t.

I had polished it
Cleaned it,
And fine-tuned it
To make it perfect for you, my ex best friend.
But believe me when I say, that’s when our friendship ended.
I remember how I typed it ,
And how I wrote it.
And I remember doing it four times…


I had forgotten it all,
Forgotten it like it was a bitter medicine,
One which only left a bad aftertaste in my mouth.
Until, I found the letter.
That was when I began to cry,
That was when I realized
That, this loss was my prize.
A prize for wanting too much,
A prize for getting too close, too attached
Like threads in my clothes.
The only thing left, was for it to be burnt.


I burnt it and watched it turn into ashes.
I watched our memories fade away.
I remember how viciously the flames fought its way to my face.
As if it was saying : “This is what you get- shame and disgrace.”
And all I could do was cry,
As I watched our memories fade
a  w  a  y.
Jun 2014 · 1.1k
The stranger you've become
antxthesis Jun 2014
Whenever I see you,
The only thing that comes across my mind is :
“What did I do?”
It is the only question that has settled in my mind for the past week.
It is the only question that still lingers, like the smell of your cologne ,
Whenever you pass by . .
It is the only question that leaves me to ask : “Why?”
The last time we spoke,
Was the day I gave you a letter.
A letter in which I threw my heart onto the page,
To express how much I value our friendship,
To this very day.
I remembered slowly peering out of the corner of my eyes
To see your face
And to my disappointment, your emotions were very vague.
I expected this letter to bring us so close,
So close that it’d seem as if we were both fitted into one clothes.
So close that we’d look like Siamese twins,
So close that we’d commit the same sins.
But it was actually the opposite.
Now,
You w a l k p a s t me,
You don’t even say hi.
You don’t look at me.
Maybe you feared that if you did,
You’d lie about how you felt, like a kid.
I thought that we were best friends
I thought that “Our friendship would last throughout time.”
Maybe ..
Maybe it was a lie.
Or maybe it’s just my imagination.
Maybe we’re still friends and you’re just waiting for me to say “Hi”
Or maybe it’s what I wrote in that stupid letter,
Although it was filled with love and sincerity.
Or maybe it’s something I did.
Maybe it’s something I did.
You’re just another lost friend – lost treasure
Which increases in numbers on my fingers e v e r y d a y.
You’re gone, but the scent of your cologne still
L  i  n  g  e  r  s
Like my memories of us.
Jun 2014 · 422
Libidos
antxthesis Jun 2014
Her mind is somewhat corrupted,
Maybe in need of desperate care,
When you see her staring into thin air,
She does not want to be interrupted
Especially when she’s thinking about you
Images of you,
Resurfaces in her mind
It’s like a machine,
Going back into time
Immediately her face lights up with a smile,
It makes her happy, even if it’s just for awhile
In her mind she imagines things
So ******, her heart, it rings
It’s like being stroked by you in the right places
So sensual, her bad mood it erases
She’s now as radiant as the sun
And in a split second, she’s likely to ***
If this imagination,
What if it was real?
Gratification,
Her heart, you would feel,
Racing like horses,
Through thousands of fields
Deep long sighs, it would make you yearn
Her body is Dorado,
Which you have to earn
You guys are not together
But I know that in stormy weather,
She can look to you to make it better,
Even think about you too,
When she’s lonely, sad and blue
Yes, she knows she can always count on you
And at the end she’d satisfied,
Knowing that it was worth the while
Hand in hand
Smile on both faces
Knowing that, that moment was amazing,
Until she suddenly hears her name
“Stop day dreaming!”
Someone would say.
Jun 2014 · 639
One day you're gonna burst
antxthesis Jun 2014
At every word they utter,
every time you suffer.
Everything they do,
you crush it under your shoe.
Accuses made,  
the price you pay.
Every time you you fall,
and hurt 'cause of them all.
Every time you've been set up ,
no matter what, you get up.
No matter how you try,
they always make you cry.
You write and store the up,
tie them up,
push it in,
cork it up.
But one day,
the cover wont fit,
and you're gonna
burst . . .
Jun 2014 · 349
Valentine's Day
antxthesis Jun 2014
I’ve never really thought about what that “special day” really meant,
Never really thought of how it would feel,
To bed red with “love”,
Even love-making would be red.
All I ever really did was
Spin up images of the day, in the desert of my mind,
So inexperienced and innocent,
In need of some sort of fluid
To water its parched fields.
Lovers exchanging boxes of chocolate
Roses dug up from fresh earth,
Sent off in packages
Even little boys sent notes to their admirers
In third grade.
Old couples reminisce about how they met
Teenage Juliets sneak out when the moon’s at its peak,
To meet their Romeos
And watch clichéd movies,
About this “special day”
And end the night
In bed together
sharing chocolates.
Juliet’s heart’s racing ‘cause he said “I love you”.
How foolish..
You just met him two days ago,
He just wants a piece of you cake
If not, all...
Never really gotten the gist of this “Valentine’s Day”
Why show love one day, in a year of 365 days?
What’s so special about the 14th of February?
Why not treat him or her special 365 days?
Or
Why not treat him or her like crap 365 days?
Makes sense doesn’t it?
Jun 2014 · 630
I miss you
antxthesis Jun 2014
Your touch,
Your kiss
So much
I miss.

My fuel,
Such bliss
Your rule
I miss.

You’re like the exhibitions,
At a show
“Look but don’t touch”..
Even if I reached out my hands..
I would not be able to feel,
To grasp
To hold
To keep
And why ?
I miss you
But I won’t say a thing.
But why ?
Jun 2014 · 2.1k
Afraid of losing You
antxthesis Jun 2014
Tears filled my eyes as I reminisced on my dream,
I dreamt about you being with someone, other than me.
That was when I realized ..
I was afraid of losing you.
You said you were willing to make us last,
You said you were willing, to forget my past.
But what if ?
What if you look upon someone prettier than I
What if she too, has a “Million dollar smile” ?
What if her hands and legs aren’t scarred?
What if she doesn’t have a broken heart ?
What if she has beautiful legs and ******* ?
What if she’s not a big mess ?
What if she doesn’t look to a blade,
To wipe all her pains away ?
What if her mood doesn’t change ?
What if she has the most beautiful face ?
Flowing hair, a lovely shape ,a  big bottom
And a lovely embrace ?
What if she can give you all that you want
And not necessarily need ?
Just what if ?
Baby boy, I’m afraid of losing you.
Jun 2014 · 1.0k
Fear
antxthesis Jun 2014
There are many things that I’m afraid of
But I’m not afraid of you. .
There are many things I hide away from,
But I’ll never hide from you.
I’m afraid of war, fighting and killings,
And I believe all this should cease,
Because, I’m a child, and there’s nothing better than having peace.
I’m afraid of myself
Because truly,
I inadvertently wreck myself.
I’m afraid of taking pills,
Because they don’t make me better, they make me ill.
I’m afraid of staring at my reflection,
For over 5 seconds, because I’m afraid of what I see
I’m afraid that I’ll start crying,
I’m afraid I’ll lose myself.
I’m embrace dying just as how a child embraces her doll,
But I’m sure when it comes my way,
I’ll run far as I can-
Away to the sun.
I get scared sometimes, when I get too lonely,
And I’m afraid when a teacher roughly scolds me.
But, darling, I can tell you one thing,
The thing I’m scared of most
Is  
                                              

                ­                                                                 Losing you.
Jun 2014 · 461
What she wants
antxthesis Jun 2014
Her wants are unlimited,
She feels lost in a world of her own.
She feels unwanted and unneeded.
She feels as if she has no purpose in life,
She wants to have fun to, she's a child,
She wants to be loved and to be treated just right.
As she beats against those prison walls ,
She senses a feeling of defeat.
She wants to see it all,
new places,
Watch the stars fall,
see new faces.
She wants a family, filled with love,
brothers and sisters ,
like the Father above.
She wants to be happy,
and to feel at home,
to laugh , to dance , to cry and sing
and not having to care about what others think.
She wants privacy, she wants a friend ,
one who will stick with her , through till the end.
She wants to help others, others like herself.
Last but not least,
She wants to be accepted.
Jun 2014 · 299
My life depends on you
antxthesis Jun 2014
If only happiness was a tattoo,
Engraved permanently into your skin,
Following you everywhere you go.
Your best friend.
Never leaving you to the monsters of the night,
Which preys at your soul,
Dreaming to leave nothing but,
bits and pieces.
No matter how you might want it to leave,
It will stay.
If only it was a disease .
Cancer.
With no cure.
Can you imagine,
How sweet life would taste ?
I guess you will never know what it feels like.
I don't .
At the moment,
Happiness is a lightening ,
So short,
Strikes only for a moment,
Unexpected .
It's the blink of an eye,
So quick,
It cannot be captured.
It's a ghost,
One minute it is here,
The next it vanishes,
Into thin air.
If only it could last for a while.
Just to say "Hi, how are you",
If it's even just for a minute.
Happiness,
Will you be my best friend ?
My life depends on you ...
Jun 2014 · 678
Vile
antxthesis Jun 2014
The sight of you makes her sick.
So sick,
Just **** her if you might..
You’re like the stain of bleach,
on her tongue,
In the back of her throat…
Like a day she’d like to forget,
But it flashes,
In her best days,
Making her so ill.
Through stained glass,
She tries to move on…
But..
What now ?
You’re like a recurring decimal.
Like the constant in my experiment,
Like the sand ,
On the beach
I hope the tide just washes you ,
A
  W
       A
          Y ….

Away…
Jun 2014 · 380
The real you
antxthesis Jun 2014
You walk around as if the whole world should bow at your feet,
As if you’ve done them a big favour,
As if you were crucified for us all
You act as if you own the world,
like the whole world’s in your hands
and you just love toying with it.
Do you think you’re God?
Refusing what you don’t want
And taking what you feel you ‘must’ have
It’s like you’ve made friends with everyone,
But still, you hoist yourself
Upon the highest rung on the ladder
Making it clear that you’re still above them
And they should take your order.
Look at that innocent girl,
trembling by your sight\even the plants are troubled,
whenever you pass by.
Eradicate us if you please,
But I’ll watch you beg at Jesus’ feet,
when from his sight

he says you should leave.
Jun 2014 · 292
Memory
antxthesis Jun 2014
Soon you'll be memories,
You'll stain
Leave marks here and there,
Like dirt
On a kid's shirt after play.

Funny thing is,
It'll be good ones
good memories,
She'll press you
Between her pages of poetry,
and so it will be,
in her head.

— The End —