Seated
Waiting
For what?
Who shall know?
For it is a great mystery;
Unknown to any
Unless you can see through those eyes
The eyes of murky times

Can you hear it?
The laughter
The screams
The footsteps
The heartbeats
The repetition
The chaos?

I can...
I see a child
So small and fragile
Sitting alone
Tucked away in a corner
Out of reach of the light
Kept in such solitude
It's surprising she knows what she does
Yet
She is still so dumb
Empty
And needing of someone to show her the way

"When,"
Asks the child,
"Did I become so naive?"

Over and over
Internally
Bashing a skull
It hurts
But it doesn't bleed
Doesn't bruise

Words overflowing
Like the waves of an ocean
In the midst of a tempest
Skies swirling
Thunder echoing
Lightning crashing down
The gusts of wind
Wailing

Yet
None can see this

Why?
None of it exists
Besides in the confines of her mind

Time and time again
Memories race about
Filling every available space
Overwhelming
Alas
It's nothing more than the usual tussle
The same as the day before
And all the previous

"When,"
Asks the child,
"Will this end?"

Never, it seems

Freak, tool, ******,
Idiot, r----d, monster,
Dumby, demon, mental,
Twig, weakling, wanna-be,
Try-hard, kiss-a--, f-ck-up,
Lazy, scatterbrain, broken,
Wrong, ugly, shortie,
Hideous, fragile, cutter,
Liar, cold, empty,
Failure, loser, creep,
Fool, b-tch, little sh-t,
Nobody, depressed, anxious,
Nervous, suicidal, painfully shy,
Lonely, miserable, void,
*****, undesirable, timid,
Unfix-able, mistake, loveless,
Worthless, clumsy, underweight,
Tiny, strange, always tired,
Emotionally drained, blank,
Dead inside, third wheel, out of place,
Annoying, pointless, purposeless,
Hated, thing, useless...

It all repeats...
Over and over
Nonstop
Continuously for years...

Is there a cure to this madness?
Such is unknown.

Medication after medication
Still
No significant change
No stopping it

Maybe for a moment
But soon it disappears
Fading away
From whence it came
To return soon
Unexpectedly...

- Jay M
August 22nd, 2019

"You see those scissors over there?"
One whispers,
"Those were meant for you."
It says teasingly,
"Take them, then take yourself."
It orders...

"Don't listen!"
Shouts another,
"You have a family! Friends!"
It tries to reason,
Them shouting back and forth,
Clashing with words,
Fighting with their own poison,
Battling until they are far too wounded to go on,
Hiding until the right moment,
Then repeating all over again.

"SHUT UP!"
I tried,
But nothing,
For they couldn't hear me,
But everyone else could.

Not really speaking,
But they do,
Not really there,
But it just makes sense,
Almost like a whisper,
Almost like a call,
Almost like I were a mindless corpse....

Thousands join the two,
Turning a simple argument into a heated war,
A once quiet prison yard,
To a full on riot.

None can hear their cries for help;
None but I.
None know just what I mean;
But that's not the point.

Take that pain,
Put it on the page,
Send it away,
See what it does.

I say send some,
Then burn some.

- Jay M
March 22nd, 2019

Weary with sleep
No longer yours to keep
In that night,
It takes flight
Moving undetected
An itching to be dissected.

A butterfly;
What more is there to it?
It goes through a grand
Metamorphosis
From caterpillar to a chrysalis
Chrysalis to butterfly
Then it mates
Lays eggs
And dies.

A human, on the other hand;
A spiders web of complexity.
It is born
It grows for years
Quickly learning
Speaking, crawling, walking,
Eventually going off to learn more
A few hours a day
Carefree, naive,
So blind to reality
That one day
It will mature
It might mate
It will have stopped growing and learning
Stuck as it is
Then slowly deteriorating
Withering away
Until one day
It dies.

Like millions before it.
It is insignificant
Unmemorable
Soon forgotten.

Why?
Because that is reality
You live, you die, & everything goes on.
In 100 years, it is but a skeleton
Just bones; mass
No brain, therefore no consciousness
Only black.

Unless it made a difference.
A change to the world.
Then it is still remembered.
But still,
All is black.

- Jay M
August 15th, 2019

Born of a dream
Into flesh and bone
Ripped apart to regrow.

- Jay M
September 14th, 2022

I see you there,
Walking in the distance,
I wish to come to you,
To talk with you,
Alas, my mind is screaming at me,
Telling me to remain,
Keep what is there safe,
Out of harm’s way...
My way.

Throughout the day,
I cannot help but think of you,
But why?
Why am I thinking of you?
I dare not wonder,
For it may consume me,
The danger shall come,
As it always does,
Never leaving me to a moment of peace.

How I linger on the subject,
Making myself apparent as glass,
Hoping it shall not come to pass,
The day I shatter that glass,
Breaking the barrier,
Holding in the thing I hold most secret,
And trying to deny,
The feelings I have come to have,
All for you.

What happened to me,
Have I fallen under your hex?
Though you may not know it,
I suppose I cast it upon myself,
But I simply couldn’t help myself,
We are so alike,
And I feel like I can be myself,
But you would accept it,
Because of the amazing person you are.

Your eyes tell of your sweet soul,
The wonders yet to behold,
Your talk is something familiar,
Like I knew you long before,
Alas, I know not where,
And when you smile,
I cannot help but smile too,
Oh, what am I to do?

One day,
Far from now,
I shall tell you,
But for now,
I wish to keep safe what is here,
This friendship,
Of which I hold on so dear,
Something so fragile,
Yet so strong,
Forged to last,
Alas, the future is unpredictable.

When the time comes,
Shall I be prepared?
I dare not say,
For I know not what lies ahead,
And I shall never try to know,
For life should remain a mystery,
Or would it be a life at all?

- Jay M
September 6th, 2018

Gown of black
Covers the flesh
The weary legs
Propelling a ****** shell
A walking, talking hell

Boots of black
Cover sore soles
Worn from the miles
Within these shoes
Take them now
To then endow
What this soul
Has yet to sow

Veil of black
Covers a visage
The tired, dim eyes
Gateways to a fractured soul
Wailing, crying out, as does a wraith
Mourning the greatest of losses
A grand, widely gaping grief
For the sorrow and woeful
Most soul retching cry
Of a lovers loss

Keeping still the black veil
A crown upon the head
Heavy is the silver helm
Upon a fatigued skull
Full of fear and dread

A queen without her king
Fallen at her own hand
Her pen, ink, and word
All bid the love goodbye
Their hearts to surely die

As their kingdom crumbles
Stones crash to the ground
Their castle descends to the sea
From whence it came to be
A castle built stone by stone
To fall but once again
As the very earth rumbles
Quaking in the divide
A ruin on either side

The queen, her part of the land
Once so thriving and grand
Only to fall by her own hand;
From a land of bountiful prosperity
To but a wasteland of humanity

The queen, she walks among the ruins
Rubble scatters the once sacred ground
To rest heavily at her weary feet
Seeming to admit defeat

Into the old chambers,
The throne room they once shared,
Split at the space between the seats
Now ever so lonely she stands
Upon the cliff so steep and grand
The great divide of ancient land

Seated upon her throne of stone
Cracked and deeply worn
Now it seem it were
Surrounded by spine and thorn
Protecting the exhausted queen
Despite all internal protest
She warily sits to rest

Her subjects come to her cries
From her long cold bed,
She cries and cries but will not sleep
Remaining awake only to weep
Wrapped in her linen sheet
Longing for a distant warmth
Knowing it shall not return
T'was but a lesson to be learned

Rise and rule the day,
The queen knows that she must,
She sits upon her throne on high
Her knights to guard her people
Her heralds to aspire the people
Their souls, one day, to rest

The queen, forever she overthinks
Thinks once, then twice, then thrice again
As any a queen should hope before
Making but a single request

The queen, she rules over the dark
Her word is her solemn command
She considers her people with care
Before do anything she dare

The tired queen, she stands to greet
The soldiers of her fleet
To sail their hearts out to sea
No more, in this time they shall not flea
To tie up their ships to the docks
Not again to leave the harbor
Of their greatest labor

As the days go by and by
She stands and heavily sighs
Her people, they reflect her state
And quite frankly, as of late
They appear more ghostly than
The specters of her mind

As her sorrow grows and spreads
So, too, do the wraith-like folk
Of her long, forgotten land
Broken by her trembling hand
Both land, and fragile heart

Seated somberly upon her throne
The queen, her pain is known
Far and wide, beyond the reaches
Of her sullen, gloom filled lands

As the word spreads
To lands far and vast
The tales of her past
They know her by one name
At last she holds her title, bound;
The Queen of the ******.

- Jay M
September 7th, 2022

Floating between the lines
Of reality and dreams
Wide awake, or so they say
Drifting in the endless space
Yet not moving even an inch
Seated in a mumbling room
Of students and clacking keys
But...is that really so?

Can I interpret the signs
Or the internalized screams?
Is it even today?
I can barely retrace
My thoughtless steps and flinch
When they shout through the gloom
Have to figure out the mental disease
And force it to simply let me go

Find me hiding out
In between the lines
Don't scream, don't shout
It'll just keep echoing
As my brain defines
Whatever is left at all

Lost in a fog
Possibly fallen away
From all that is known
Patterns confuse, if even seen
Awaken unsure, deeply in grog
Unable to quite exactly say
What, inside, has surely been
For in the vast, I am alone.

- Jay M
November 3rd, 2021

Can't stop

These trauma-based nightmares

So I'll drop

Going down these endless stairs

To

           f
a
            l
l

To my doom

Locked in an empty room

Alone to my thoughts

While slowly it rots

From the inside-out.


R e p l a y i n g

Over and over

Again and again

Never to leave me be

Reminding me

Reopening old wounds - well I threw over a cover

Flashbacks going over in my mind and then

It stops

When Love walks in

Putting my mind at rest

But back to chaos

When I sleep

And in my head I weep

Like a test

Of

My

S a n i t y


- Jay M
January 14th, 2020

Floating in silence
Messages whizzing past
Images and words
Flash before unseeing eyes
Hands extend into the vastness
Never to be grasped

Cool grey
Uncertain of
Where the exit has gone
Vanished perhaps
Along with all other color
No longer anything vibrant
Viewing in muted tones
And a base of grey

Slowly falling
Without fear
Of hitting a ground
That will never come
Forever a loop
Of falling
Never knowing the ledge

Heavy heart
Unsure which part
Or even the whole

Care has fled
Leaving nothing
To burst or share
But a drifting soul
In a long forgotten hole

Knowing what is missing
But no will to chase
Nowhere to go
Remaining still

- Jay M
September 30th, 2020

Step after step
Echoing footstep after echoing footstep
I try and I try to do it all right
But it looms over me at such a great height
So I just have to bite
Bite the bullet
Speak the couplet
Then no more

Don't fall
Hit the wall
Not too rough
I'm not that tough
Aching hand
Foreign land
Discover what works
Figure out the quirks
And be free

For now
Bite the bullet
Wondering how
To get through it
But I have a way
Bright as day
Shining like the stars at night
So there's no need to have fright
Right?

Just moving on
Get to a new dawn
Fight on
Before it's all gone

Can't give up now
I'll make it through somehow
There's too many possibilities
I've got my responsibilities
So I'll bite it
Bite the bullet

No matter the pain
There's always something to gain
In the end
No more shall I pretend
Showing my true color
For the sake of my lover

Singing in the rain
My haunting tune
These words in my brain
Under the light of the moon.

- Jay M
January 9th, 2020

Love, I wrote you a letter
Going to send it, hoping things will be better
Darling, silence is hard
At least I'm not a bard
Writing songs day and night
While I fight
To speak to you again
To see you and then
Maybe things may return to normal

Do you remember the winter formal?
We talked, smiled, danced the night away
When I heard you say
You loved me
And we could be
Whatever we want to be

I said
This romance used to all be in my head
But here we are, here you are
That was then, that time so far

With every passing day
I say;
"Maybe he's missing me,"
"Just like how I'm missing him."
But then I wonder
And all my dreams are torn asunder
Whispering unto me uncertainties
Trekking through each day; little eternities

Such longings, aches, and bittersweet memories
Going through directories
In my mind
Hoping to go through and find
Answers as to why
Such a wonderful guy
And I
Can no longer be together
And what I find doesn't add up
Doesn't satisfy the thirst from my void cup
The void cup of my mind
Open it, see what you find
That which I cannot see
That which will not let me be

Today of all days
Has finally rolled around
I'm caught in a daze
Feels like I'm pinned to the ground
Out of breath
Blood colder than death
With the realization
My brain filling my view with signs of caution
Because today
Would be the 7th anniversary of the day
That you and I got together
But now it's just a severed tether

Still, today I wore a nice red shirt
Wore jeans, never a skirt
Wearing the necklace you gave me
The rose quartz one in the shape of a heart
The remembrance of you it carries wouldn't let me be
And the bracelet you made, adding the little charm
It's saved me from harm
Of loneliness
But that's besides the point -

I know not why I wear such things
The nice red shirt, to start
I wore one like it on our date night
With myself I fight
Saying I shouldn't
That normally I wouldn't
But if we'd still been you and I
Then I'd try
And do something romantic
Maybe paint you a scene; oceanic
Take you on a stroll
My goal;
Kiss you under the light of a thousand stars
Let the time be ours
Maybe sweep you up off of your feet
Dance with you in the street

The heart necklace of rose quartz
To say you're near my heart - in a way of sorts
If I run, it thumps on my chest
Makes me feel like I'm on a quest
And some part of you is running with me
Cheering and then I see
I'm at the end

The bracelet with the charm
Calms me when I am in a state of alarm
On one side of the charm is a heart
And on the other part
It says one sweet word;
"Love"

You wear, or maybe wore, one just like it
On the same wrist, but a bead on mine split
Didn't think much of it, but now I see
But still, I believe we were meant to be

You showed me what love is
Please don't let all of that fizz
Into nothingness
Tell me there is something I can access
To speak to you again
Tell me there is a road I can walk
To see you again
Tell me there is something I can do
To be with you
On one hand and knee
I ask of thee
What can I do to show
That I can go
Any distance and length
With all my strength
Tell me
What an I say or do
To be with you
Again?

- Jay M
March 26th, 2020

Sink or swim
Crash as tidal waves
In the vast, merciless sea
Sink, swim, or float
Effortlessly suspended
Beautifully balanced
Without direction or
Complex meaning
Simply floating
Lost to the waves
Lost to the sea
From whence it came to be.

- Jay M
July 29th, 2022

Swinging
To and fro
In the rain
Singing these melodies
Cold
Trembling
Yet soothed
The sent so familiar
Tranquilizing
Absorbing your every fiber
Until you are weightless
Yet grounded by the flesh

- Jay M
June 4th, 2019

I'm in love with death
Its warm embrace
Carry my soul away
Leave behind a cold
Lifeless trace
As tears flow
Down my face
Please, my dear,
Dance with me
In this night
Take me away
From this empty
Desolate place
Let me dance
Dance with death

- Jay M
May 6th, 2022

Blind eyes turned
Guilty, trapped in denial
Of what they have done
What have they done
To us all?

Words fall upon deaf ears
Ignorance is their bliss
Never would they confess
Or pay mind to their crimes

Wash their hands clean
Of our tears and pains
Blood unseen is
Blood undrawn

Swallowing pills
To cleanse our mouths
Of the bitter tastes
Of their spoon fed lies

Smell their smoke
From discarded guns
Inhale the fumes
Of their drowning misery

Force-fed the scraps of humanity
Broken and remolded
Burned in their kiln of pressures
To be formed into a strange
Misshapen figure
Manipulated and bruised
Dented and cracked
Not all coal becomes diamonds
Words can break bones
And all of it is real.

- Jay M
September 1st, 2022

"How are you?"

"Are you okay?"

They constantly question.

"I'm fine"

"I'm just tired..."

T     errible
I   nvisible
R  epulsive
E ntangling
D  owncast

F ailure
I diotic
N  aïve
E   rror

Why lie?
Because if I didn't,
All would crumble,
Crashing down upon me,
And all surrounding.

- Jay M
March 20,th 2019

Music is my drug
Plug it in
Let it course
Through my empty veins
Bring me back to life
Or just give me that
Much needed life support

- Jay M
January 6th, 2021

Alone in an empty house,
Alone in your sufferings,
Bathing in your own misery,
Searching for an escape,
But wanting to linger,
What can be done?

Reaching into the space,
Grab a bottle,
Pour a couple drinks,
Something small and quick,
Nothing ever happened...

Giggling, laughing at every word,
Suspicions, yet no accusations,
You try to hide it,
Nothing can mask this.

Get out, switch it up,
Tell a friend,
Go home
Ride the toxic wave.

Morning comes,
Head pounding, on the floor,
Then you realize it.

What have you done now?

- Jay M
March 20th, 2019

Better together than apart
Close as two people could be
Their love a beautiful melody
A true work of art

Seeing one another once in a week
Occasionally more
A call and a knock on the door
Embrace, then away
To talk and to stay
For a meal
Impossible to believe such could be real

Then suddenly
A silence fills the air
No more words of tender care
Then words like a viper
Hitting the heart like a ******
Not from the lover
'Twas from another
Putting a stop to their days
Cunning in so many ways

Forbidden, what more could be done?
The Discord had won
In separation, yes
In full, no
Love cannot be so easily smothered

Technology is funny
So don't call them honey
When they find a way
To work through and around
The rules they thought would stay
Firm as the ground

Loopholes and favors
Strings pulled and hope strong
On the way, playing a song
Listen to your heart
And bring back that work of art

There, nervous and hopeful
Giddy yet petrified
Then, calm in an instant
Being so careful
But there's no need for caution
Realizing all is well
In this moment, no longer a living hell

Meeting and conversing
The others would be cursing
But there, in that cool night breeze
It put them in a somewhat ease

Laughter, memories so fond
Keep safe the hidden bond
Thrive, even though it is forbidden

Communication shall remain secret
From those who do not approve
They shall never forget
To the others, they shall prove
That they are truly meant to be

Start slow,
Remain so
Until the timing is right
Since time is tight
And all is rather tricky
Situation rather sticky
But survive it shall
This forbidden love.

- Jay M
May 11th, 2020