I know I'm not that strong
Struggling just to lift my head
Like an infant

Barely faking the smile
Dragging on for miles
Wanting to be free
But there is only one escape
That I can see
Staring back at me

The only thing that makes me feel
Kills me inside

It's better to feel something
Than nothing

The demons we're made of
Told to **** them
Yet I haven't the strength to

They were the ones that held me
When I was in my darkest times

They were the ones that got me on my feet
When all I wanted to do was lay down
And never get up again

So how could I?
I couldn't.
I can't.
I can't **** my demons...

I'm not that strong...

- Jay M
May 8th, 2019

Lured and confused
Like a fish
But was it ever a clever lure
All was well
For that I fell
Then brought into laughter
All truly is well
Or so it seems
Please be true
For peace is bliss
T'was you I did miss
Still do
But hearing your sweet voice
Was like breeze on a summer day
Sweeter than honey
More gentle and soft than silk

Making me laugh too
A wonderful surprise
Oh, what ever to do
When I'm stuck here and you're over there?
This doesn't feel fair
But it's alright, I don't mind

Making me dance like a ribbon in the hand of a dancer
Twirling all about in the spring breeze
My heart is somehow at ease
Everything is alright
Or so I'm lead to believe
But all is well
There's not a thing I could tell
As I sit here and listen to the ocean through a shell
But that I'm hopeful as ever
Light as a feather

Indeed, I'm a little excited
But can you blame one such as myself?
It's so strange when you're so far away
But so close at the same time
As though I could reach out and caress your cheek
But all I'd be touching is the spring breeze
Hoping it would be carried to you
Telling you I'm still here
Hoping for something
Anything from you
That tells me
It's okay

The stars tell thousands of stories
But their silence is painful
Looking up and wishing
But no response from those glimmers of light
That could save me from internal fright
Then comes the soothing spring breeze
Putting my fast-paced heart at ease.

- Jay M
April 27th, 2020

"You see those scissors over there?"
One whispers,
"Those were meant for you."
It says teasingly,
"Take them, then take yourself."
It orders...

"Don't listen!"
Shouts another,
"You have a family! Friends!"
It tries to reason,
Them shouting back and forth,
Clashing with words,
Fighting with their own poison,
Battling until they are far too wounded to go on,
Hiding until the right moment,
Then repeating all over again.

"SHUT UP!"
I tried,
But nothing,
For they couldn't hear me,
But everyone else could.

Not really speaking,
But they do,
Not really there,
But it just makes sense,
Almost like a whisper,
Almost like a call,
Almost like I were a mindless corpse....

Thousands join the two,
Turning a simple argument into a heated war,
A once quiet prison yard,
To a full on riot.

None can hear their cries for help;
None but I.
None know just what I mean;
But that's not the point.

Take that pain,
Put it on the page,
Send it away,
See what it does.

I say send some,
Then burn some.

- Jay M
March 22nd, 2019

Weary with sleep
No longer yours to keep
In that night,
It takes flight
Moving undetected
An itching to be dissected.

A butterfly;
What more is there to it?
It goes through a grand
Metamorphosis
From caterpillar to a chrysalis
Chrysalis to butterfly
Then it mates
Lays eggs
And dies.

A human, on the other hand;
A spiders web of complexity.
It is born
It grows for years
Quickly learning
Speaking, crawling, walking,
Eventually going off to learn more
A few hours a day
Carefree, naive,
So blind to reality
That one day
It will mature
It might mate
It will have stopped growing and learning
Stuck as it is
Then slowly deteriorating
Withering away
Until one day
It dies.

Like millions before it.
It is insignificant
Unmemorable
Soon forgotten.

Why?
Because that is reality
You live, you die, & everything goes on.
In 100 years, it is but a skeleton
Just bones; mass
No brain, therefore no consciousness
Only black.

Unless it made a difference.
A change to the world.
Then it is still remembered.
But still,
All is black.

- Jay M
August 15th, 2019

Is the depth of grief.

- Jay M
October 13th, 2022

Hopeless and left for dead
Going with what they say
Pretending
Hiding behind the mask
Never to ask...
"Help me."

Words, images,
This madness consuming
The darkness surrounding
Calling to me
Whispering my name
Making nightmares reality
Reminding me of what is to come...

Locked myself in the bathroom
Lying on the floor
Delicately, firmly,
Dragging the needle across my skin
My pain
Reminding me
That I am still alive
Still human...

Lying alone in my room
I cry out
But no sound escapes my lips
Not a sound
Aside from each breath
Each one forced

Closing my eyes
Hearing whispers
Too scared to utter a word
To a soul

Trembling
Back to the wall
Curled in a ball
Tears forced on
Pain throbbing
Thoughts bobbing
In the ocean of my mind.

- Jay M
April 15th, 2019

Step after step
Echoing footstep after echoing footstep
I try and I try to do it all right
But it looms over me at such a great height
So I just have to bite
Bite the bullet
Speak the couplet
Then no more

Don't fall
Hit the wall
Not too rough
I'm not that tough
Aching hand
Foreign land
Discover what works
Figure out the quirks
And be free

For now
Bite the bullet
Wondering how
To get through it
But I have a way
Bright as day
Shining like the stars at night
So there's no need to have fright
Right?

Just moving on
Get to a new dawn
Fight on
Before it's all gone

Can't give up now
I'll make it through somehow
There's too many possibilities
I've got my responsibilities
So I'll bite it
Bite the bullet

No matter the pain
There's always something to gain
In the end
No more shall I pretend
Showing my true color
For the sake of my lover

Singing in the rain
My haunting tune
These words in my brain
Under the light of the moon.

- Jay M
January 9th, 2020

Floating in silence
Messages whizzing past
Images and words
Flash before unseeing eyes
Hands extend into the vastness
Never to be grasped

Cool grey
Uncertain of
Where the exit has gone
Vanished perhaps
Along with all other color
No longer anything vibrant
Viewing in muted tones
And a base of grey

Slowly falling
Without fear
Of hitting a ground
That will never come
Forever a loop
Of falling
Never knowing the ledge

Heavy heart
Unsure which part
Or even the whole

Care has fled
Leaving nothing
To burst or share
But a drifting soul
In a long forgotten hole

Knowing what is missing
But no will to chase
Nowhere to go
Remaining still

- Jay M
September 30th, 2020

Floating between the lines
Of reality and dreams
Wide awake, or so they say
Drifting in the endless space
Yet not moving even an inch
Seated in a mumbling room
Of students and clacking keys
But...is that really so?

Can I interpret the signs
Or the internalized screams?
Is it even today?
I can barely retrace
My thoughtless steps and flinch
When they shout through the gloom
Have to figure out the mental disease
And force it to simply let me go

Find me hiding out
In between the lines
Don't scream, don't shout
It'll just keep echoing
As my brain defines
Whatever is left at all

Lost in a fog
Possibly fallen away
From all that is known
Patterns confuse, if even seen
Awaken unsure, deeply in grog
Unable to quite exactly say
What, inside, has surely been
For in the vast, I am alone.

- Jay M
November 3rd, 2021

Can't stop

These trauma-based nightmares

So I'll drop

Going down these endless stairs

To

           f
a
            l
l

To my doom

Locked in an empty room

Alone to my thoughts

While slowly it rots

From the inside-out.


R e p l a y i n g

Over and over

Again and again

Never to leave me be

Reminding me

Reopening old wounds - well I threw over a cover

Flashbacks going over in my mind and then

It stops

When Love walks in

Putting my mind at rest

But back to chaos

When I sleep

And in my head I weep

Like a test

Of

My

S a n i t y


- Jay M
January 14th, 2020

Love, I wrote you a letter
Going to send it, hoping things will be better
Darling, silence is hard
At least I'm not a bard
Writing songs day and night
While I fight
To speak to you again
To see you and then
Maybe things may return to normal

Do you remember the winter formal?
We talked, smiled, danced the night away
When I heard you say
You loved me
And we could be
Whatever we want to be

I said
This romance used to all be in my head
But here we are, here you are
That was then, that time so far

With every passing day
I say;
"Maybe he's missing me,"
"Just like how I'm missing him."
But then I wonder
And all my dreams are torn asunder
Whispering unto me uncertainties
Trekking through each day; little eternities

Such longings, aches, and bittersweet memories
Going through directories
In my mind
Hoping to go through and find
Answers as to why
Such a wonderful guy
And I
Can no longer be together
And what I find doesn't add up
Doesn't satisfy the thirst from my void cup
The void cup of my mind
Open it, see what you find
That which I cannot see
That which will not let me be

Today of all days
Has finally rolled around
I'm caught in a daze
Feels like I'm pinned to the ground
Out of breath
Blood colder than death
With the realization
My brain filling my view with signs of caution
Because today
Would be the 7th anniversary of the day
That you and I got together
But now it's just a severed tether

Still, today I wore a nice red shirt
Wore jeans, never a skirt
Wearing the necklace you gave me
The rose quartz one in the shape of a heart
The remembrance of you it carries wouldn't let me be
And the bracelet you made, adding the little charm
It's saved me from harm
Of loneliness
But that's besides the point -

I know not why I wear such things
The nice red shirt, to start
I wore one like it on our date night
With myself I fight
Saying I shouldn't
That normally I wouldn't
But if we'd still been you and I
Then I'd try
And do something romantic
Maybe paint you a scene; oceanic
Take you on a stroll
My goal;
Kiss you under the light of a thousand stars
Let the time be ours
Maybe sweep you up off of your feet
Dance with you in the street

The heart necklace of rose quartz
To say you're near my heart - in a way of sorts
If I run, it thumps on my chest
Makes me feel like I'm on a quest
And some part of you is running with me
Cheering and then I see
I'm at the end

The bracelet with the charm
Calms me when I am in a state of alarm
On one side of the charm is a heart
And on the other part
It says one sweet word;
"Love"

You wear, or maybe wore, one just like it
On the same wrist, but a bead on mine split
Didn't think much of it, but now I see
But still, I believe we were meant to be

You showed me what love is
Please don't let all of that fizz
Into nothingness
Tell me there is something I can access
To speak to you again
Tell me there is a road I can walk
To see you again
Tell me there is something I can do
To be with you
On one hand and knee
I ask of thee
What can I do to show
That I can go
Any distance and length
With all my strength
Tell me
What an I say or do
To be with you
Again?

- Jay M
March 26th, 2020

Troubling times
Trickier still are the uncertain
The questioning, the curious
The disconnected and unsure

Caught, perhaps, in an illusion
The unforeseen, dismantled reality
For what could this be,
Than the utterly surreal?

Spirit in flux
Or whatever it may be
A mere observer in this place
So familiar…yet not meant to be
Not quite like before
Before being encapsulated
By this most strange dream

Is it a dream, this odd feeling?
This faded, jaded land that surrounds
The very air seems confused
The trees unsure how to sway
The birds misleading and disoriented
Or perhaps it is I who is disoriented?
Or whatever “I” may be…

Who am I, who is this?
This stranger whom gazes back
Through the looking glass
Features once akin to me,
Now they look back,
Rather a stranger than reflection

A body, a vessel
Piloted by a soul
A skeleton propelled
Drawn on and on
Drag the weary feet
Or perhaps take a break
Switch flipping in the mind
Walking, breathing, responses
Nodding and moving
Without thought, without wondering
With memory as a guide
Until the moment breaks
Waking up, back in control
Where have you gone?

Unfeeling, unyielding
Pinch, scratch, burn
Release, escape
Desiring to awaken…
But all assure you,
“You are awake.”

- Jay M
September 19th, 2022

I'm in love with death
Its warm embrace
Carry my soul away
Leave behind a cold
Lifeless trace
As tears flow
Down my face
Please, my dear,
Dance with me
In this night
Take me away
From this empty
Desolate place
Let me dance
Dance with death

- Jay M
May 6th, 2022

Sink or swim
Crash as tidal waves
In the vast, merciless sea
Sink, swim, or float
Effortlessly suspended
Beautifully balanced
Without direction or
Complex meaning
Simply floating
Lost to the waves
Lost to the sea
From whence it came to be.

- Jay M
July 29th, 2022

Swinging
To and fro
In the rain
Singing these melodies
Cold
Trembling
Yet soothed
The sent so familiar
Tranquilizing
Absorbing your every fiber
Until you are weightless
Yet grounded by the flesh

- Jay M
June 4th, 2019

Slip down the *****, zipping and zooming.

- Jay M
October 13th, 2022

Blind eyes turned
Guilty, trapped in denial
Of what they have done
What have they done
To us all?

Words fall upon deaf ears
Ignorance is their bliss
Never would they confess
Or pay mind to their crimes

Wash their hands clean
Of our tears and pains
Blood unseen is
Blood undrawn

Swallowing pills
To cleanse our mouths
Of the bitter tastes
Of their spoon fed lies

Smell their smoke
From discarded guns
Inhale the fumes
Of their drowning misery

Force-fed the scraps of humanity
Broken and remolded
Burned in their kiln of pressures
To be formed into a strange
Misshapen figure
Manipulated and bruised
Dented and cracked
Not all coal becomes diamonds
Words can break bones
And all of it is real.

- Jay M
September 1st, 2022

"How are you?"

"Are you okay?"

They constantly question.

"I'm fine"

"I'm just tired..."

T     errible
I   nvisible
R  epulsive
E ntangling
D  owncast

F ailure
I diotic
N  aïve
E   rror

Why lie?
Because if I didn't,
All would crumble,
Crashing down upon me,
And all surrounding.

- Jay M
March 20,th 2019