Smile, to prove you’re okay
Maybe they’ll believe you.

I am a floating log
I go where the waves take me
I still when they still
And I rise and fall with them
I sink under water when the waves become turbulent
I am turbulent with them
I am hurtled left, right and under
I am drenched and drowned
I am calm when the water has mercy
I am nothing
I want nothing
I am but a piece of wood from a shipwreck
I am not human
I cannot be human
For humans feel, and I cannot feel after this shipwreck
I can’t let the waves wreck me from the inside out
I’ll let them wreck me from the outside in
Either way, there is no control
I am a log, i am a log, i am a log
I do not feel pain
I cannot be human
But I am wrecked all over anyways
Scratched and peeling
And I am alone in the wreckage
That turned me inside out and hurtled me left, right and under
And I cannot go back to a time, of smooth sails and calm waters.

I had the sunshine
The calm, the serenity
Of loose waves caressing the ocean shore
Of sweet sunshine bathing the world in golden joy
Of perfect winds, keeping the temperatures just right
I had it all
But now i find myself morphing back into what I used to be
The sunshine gives way to dark starry nights
The stars shine and glisten, always just out of reach
The waves are turbulent on the shore, crashing, thrashing, threatening those that come near
The winds are both silent and deadly in their hostile unpredictability
Oh sweet serenity, where have you gone?
I was glad when I found you
Now I’m all alone
The turbulence is back, it creeps in at the dead of night
When darkness takes more than just the morning light
Dear calm collected control
I’m holding onto you with the tips of my fingernails
Holding onto you with careful lies I tell myself, to keep going
I tell myself you’ll come back soon
That its just the effects of the day or the moon
But I feel it stirring now
The baseless anxiety
The unquestionable sadness that lingers in the back of my mind, at no thoughts in particular
The lack of thoughts and the sheer volume of them stuns me into paralysis
I am motionless as I attempt to move
I am confused
As I think ten steps ahead, while moving 3 steps back, I wonder, what have I done wrong?
I wonder, why has the sunshine gone

I take the calories for the calm
The more I take, the more time I have till the anxiety comes back
I see the world through an out of focused lens
Just barely making out enough of the edges to navigate
The nerves and veins in my brain are constantly half full, half empty
How do I get through?
Every push forward is short-lived
I take one step forward
And then push myself 10 steps back in an instant
The calories can’t numb the pain
Can’t push away the parasite of exhaustion gnawing at me in every moment
I’m sinking, sinking
Into oblivion, into the dark hole that welcomes the likes of me
The self doubt crawls out to the surface slowly
“You know you can’t get rid of me” it purrs, “you know you’ll never be enough”
It’s claws caress the insides of my brain
“You can never escape me” it hisses
It laughs, and sinks it’s claws in me further, deeper and deeper
It drags me down further
The monster in the dark
I’m on edge again, gasping for air again, utterly resigned to my fate, again
“I will never escape you” I whisper
Eyes wide in terror, I succumb to the horror of myself
Sink my nails into my flesh, perhaps I’ll wake up from this nightmare
Perhaps, perhaps, oh God please let this be a nightmare!
I plead till my nails draw blood, till my resignation turns into outright terror, till my terror turns into gasping screams
This is not a nightmare
This is life
And actions have consequences
What has passed cannot be undone
And I will never escape.

I’m starving
Starved for security
Starved for salvation
Starved for serenity
The loneliness is tearing me to bits and pieces
I choose to scatter towards
Those who feign interest in the bits of me I dare to share
Florence says we all have a hunger
I must agree, for tears spring to my eyes at the words of her song
I’m starving for validation
Validate me!

5 4 3 2 1
It’s late at night, it has begun
I search for the saddest songs in my library
As sadness and loneliness create a cocktail
That slowly creeps into my bloodstream
Pumps into my heart
Spreads back into my body, mind and soul
Then the tears at the corners of my eyes spill onto my cheeks
And I drift into a dreamless sleep

I’m screaming ******!
****** ******!
But no one’s listening
They pass by my pool of blood
And call it painted water
Why can’t they see?
Or are they purposely blind to me?

Where has my blood gone?
I see it pouring out knife wounds I can no longer see
Vision fading
Vision faulty
I’m screaming ******! I’m screaming atrocity!
I’m screaming “please don’t hurt me!”
I scream and I scream
But my screams are just whispers
To their ears

Why did they ****** me?
I’ve done nothing worthy
I am not worthy of their hate

Perhaps when I’m gone
I’ll come back as an angel
Perhaps when I’m an angel
They won’t want to hurt me

Perhaps if I’m an angel
I won’t feel like an outcast
Perhaps I’ll be better when I’m gone...

Oh moment of silence
Wash all over me
Block away the noise
Wash away my agony

I have been used and abused
By humanity
I have been hurt and misunderstood
By those I believed cared for me
Those I gave myself to
Oh moment of silence
Please
Won’t you wash away the pain?

I have loved and lost
And then tried to love the world
But lost it too

If I gave you my heart
My body, my soul
If I showed you my tears and my words
Would you try to understand?
Or use my life-force as fuel?
Would you ridicule, all I hold dear?
Would you ridicule, Me?
I surrender.

So I’ll just give myself to a world
I know will discard and disregard me, too.

Hello,
I am a rose,
I’ll ****** you with my beauty,
Then hurt you with my thorns.

Heed the warning,
I’ll only say it once,
Because once you reach for me,
We’ll begin our little dance.

Hello,
I am a rose,
I hurt you when you picked me up,
I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to!
I just really wanted to dance.
Why’d you leave me in the vase you picked?
Sitting in the same water you poured on our very first day,
You pass by me as I whither,
And won’t give me a second glance?
Because I hurt you when we danced?
But why blame me, when you didn’t listen!
When the tears in my eyes glistened
When I told you about my thorns…

I lost You to find Myself
Just as I lost Myself
When I found You

Honey you must be
High risk, high return ;)
I've lent you my love
But you'll most likely be a bad debt
I'll have to write off
You've got a high risk of default

You're not a public offer
Won't give me the disclosures I need
Darling you're private debt
And the riskiest type

Babe, you're the riskiest investment
A structured product
Only the most accredited investor

Can afford your risk
Im only a retail consumer
Barely making ends meet

But you're a bad boy
Risky
And I'm nothing, if not risk-seeking

Restrictions
I’m *******, Caged Dead
Caged Sick
Caged Confused

I’m shackled to the words of the Old
That bind me
To a life I do not want
Blind me
In a fruitless rage

I see colors in dull hues when you remind me
Of all I cannot be
Because I am Me

I feel the panic
Static in my mind and brain
I go insane at your words
“Because you’re a girl”
I’d much rather you **** me
‘Cause those words constrict me
Suffocate me
Make me wish for death as I drown helplessly in your judgement

Oh Judge Jury and Executioner!
Have mercy
I do what you say
I am what you think you want
Please leave me alone
I am pleading
Down on my knees, hands clasped
Have mercy!

I do what you want, when you want, how you want
I limit my questioning so you don’t shout out those dreaded words
“Because you’re a girl”
They are the noose
Slowly wrapping itself around my neck
A coiling, winding, unwinding snake

Come on
Is this really what you want?
Panic and anarchy inside of me
As the tears flow down my eyes, into my throat to drown me

I watch as you fill up my lungs with concrete
And expect me not to bleed from the inside out

Well I am all out of blood
I am dead, I am done
I’ve been buried alive
Go find your next victim.

I miss you in the middle of the night when you're out of reach. When sleep has you so deep I can't dig you out without falling in, deeper.
Honey, sometimes I wonder if you're the Grim Reaper.
I feel you killing me, with that smile and those words that **** the girl I was, and make me into something I do not recognize.
It's not necessarily a bad thing.
It's just consuming my thoughts on a daily basis. Is this what you wanted? Am I who you wanted? Or is this the next best thing?
Do you want me or do you want what you hope I'll  become, or do you think I'll  become anything at all?
Sweetheart my love for you grows stronger each day that passes. My love is a muscle I've exercised too much. It's gotten stronger, I've gotten stronger, but the exercise makes me weak in the moment and honey I just want some rest.
Can I get any rest? When my love for you is insomnia high on caffeine?
When my love for you is the cast, the crutch and the accident?
You are the everything to my nothing, and all I wonder is how long this feeling will last? How long, till our bubble becomes brick walls and concrete, till we have to open our eyes and meet reality?

I feed bits of paper to the candle flame
Some emotions are difficult to contain

I watch them burn as I relive the sorrows
On borrowed time and static meadows

All things come to end,
Nothing compares to the hope
of the Beginning.

When you're in over your head and start questioning whether you're actually capable of what you're trying to do, just remember:

Success isn't getting things right the first time (though it's wonderful when it happens)

Success is persevering until you get it right. Stop rushing life, and stop pushing yourself too hard, just take things slow, try and learn.

Exams are daunting, but they're a counterproductive way meant to get you to learn. So breathe, actually do your best, and if you don't get the result you're hoping for, try again. Part of life is facing and overcoming challenges. Good luck.

You are
An astrological being
An astronomical being
A planet
The stars
The universe

You are
The quintessential muse
Confused and utterly beautiful
Utterly dysfunctional in your eternal solitary defense

Do you know?
How gravity gravitates towards you
You are the center
The core
The rock barricading my misery

You are
The Sun
Essential for life to flourish
For temperatures to warm
For flowers to grow to decorate the earth
For trees to grow to clean the air and shade us
From you
For living beings to survive

You are the Sun
Too dangerous to get close to
If we were closer than we were right now
We would burn
The trees would burn
The flowers would burn
The warmth would be heat, and the heat would be deadly

You are the Sun
Essential, as long as you're not close enough to burn

As long as you're not close enough to hurt me.

Let's stop mid-scream and steal a moment of sanity
Hold on to your vanities, your profanities
Let me help

Let me tell you a story
'Tis grim and gory

Follow me home, follow me home
Make me feel unsafe
Make me feel like prey
In this jungle of concrete and brick

Your judgements are bullets
With eyes for triggers
**** me.

Intentions, retentions, preventions
Our sinful innocence will be the end of us
We walk into burning buildings
Yet we are not fireproof

We have never been
Fireproof.

I drown in a sea of confusion
As I stare into nothing
As I worry about something, stirring my heart into a constant ache

I choke on the thoughts that suffocate me
My head aches as I struggle to breathe

I am chained, a free prisoner
I'm not locked up but close enough
Society is the prison
Expectations the key, dangling in front of me, keeping me in
Obligations, the shackles holding me in place

I am replaceable, and yet I am here
Shackled by a false sense of loyalty and regret
Soon these chains will transform into a noose
Around my neck
Awaiting the Executioner
The final step.

I can barely open my eyes
Can barely open my mind
Can barely fake a smile

Im not sad nor mad
Just depleted
Utterly defeated to this aching head

The tension rising in the back of my neck
Im slumped forward on my desk
Eyes open mind asleep
I silently admit defeat
As I smile
As I nod
Stifling a yawn
No, a sob

I sit up, grab a coffee cup
Feel the fake energy rush through my veins
Get through another day
My mind in overdrive
My thoughts faster than the speed limit
Unable to slow down

Work hard for the hall of fame
It's a shame, it's just out of arm's reach. You tell me: Persevere
You tell me, to hold on my dear

So I listen and then I go home
I am a mindless drone
I soar, rise and fall
Then float in between

Know what I mean?

So I wonder
At what point
Are we sacrificing too much?
Compromising too much?
And getting too little in return?

This espresso tastes like poison,
In spite of all I've added to cover the sweet bitterness

I want to release rather than increase
Release rather than increase

My mind is full, from my ears to my neck to my head,

A consistent pressure throbs
It robs me of peace
Of Mind

We all go through it
We are slaves
We are victims
Of long forgotten systems

We live to work, and work to live
Work to eat, and eat to work
An endless cycle of compromise

Open your eyes
Your senses
Smell the prosperity, the disparity
The paradox
Watch the rise of Pandora's Box

Feed, greed, need
I've planted the seeds of doubt
And watched them grow
Into luminous, prosperous trees

They are silhouettes against the sun
And against the backdrop of the moon

You live in a cocoon
Awaiting a metamorphosis that may or may never be
I live in a cocoon
Awaiting a metamorphosis that may
Or may never
Come

I feel it in my vertebrae
Where the discs are too close for comfort
An incessant knocking

I feel it
In every uncomfortable upright position
A constant
In a world of variables

The prescriptions are a dizzying temporary fix

Can you feel me?
Can you see my anatomy?
Or am I a quintessential silent scream?

Sleep is for the weak
Power through it
The escape is unwarranted

Give it a shot
Get under the influence
In congruence  
With the waking mind

Do you feel it?
No?
Keep going.

Caffeine, caffeine, sugar and caffeine
The underlying emotions
Unseen

Ouch
Do you feel that?
The devotion
Erosion
Do you hear that?
The commotion?
Boom.
The explosion?

The thoughts, heart
Eternal

Head heavy
Stay calm and steady
It’s just gravity

Get down.
Down down down
Drown
Why the frown?
Can you feel the water rising?
Slowly, menacing, suffocating?
Smile
Come on
Close your eyes
You just need a little compromise

Push harder
Faster
Stronger
Endure.
Sleep is for the weak.

The trees quiver in the cool winter winds,
Dancing silhouettes soaking in the rain

Analysis, analysis, paralysis, I will be the end of us
Incessant thoughts swirl through my mind. I cannot
Control their poison spreading through my veins,
To my nerve endings, shattering all illusions of control

We were birds soaring in the sunlit sky
Majestic, wings flutter and stabilize
Blinded by the sun, unaware
Of the details
High with adrenaline, on illusion

We are birds, shying away from the gray
Gloom of the winter sky when it is
About to rain.

The waves splay lazily, pushing and pulling back
I am one of many shells decorating the ocean shore

The air is humid
It smells of salt and sea
It smells of solitude

She sells sea shells on the seashore
I am on display on her table
I am glamour and gore

I am quiet and calm
I am an ornament
I am purchased, and then thrown away

I am an empty shell on the seashore
Surrounded by wet sand
Apprehensive of the hand
Outstretched to reach me
To pick me up
To take me from home

I am empty, but you can’t tell
When I smile, laugh, and yell
You’ll think I’m full

My veins have been drained of blood
Of compassion, sympathy, and love
I am dry, running on empty

But you’ll never know that my insides disintegrate
When I hand more to you

There’s a constant throbbing in my heart, with no relief
So I clutch my chest when no one’s looking


No one’s ever looking


But when I look at you
I laugh, I smile
And you look at me and reciprocate
And I wonder,
If you’re empty too.

I’ve got all the symptoms and signs
But I am in denial

The rollercoasters, the rides
The constricting confines
Of the oceans
The commotions
Of the mind

But I am fine

I’ve got all the symptoms and signs
In the depths of despair
I no longer compare, to what once was
I no longer wonder what could be
I just am

‘tis the disease that defines
the soul
the whole
the mind

‘tis the disease that defines
the loss
the gross restrictions
the contradictions
intertwined, by design
by affliction

are you a victim?

I’ve got all the symptoms and signs
Of the disease that defines
The Death of Control
And the Birth of Disaster.

I've used up all my bandaids
And lost them all

My days compare
to a rollercoaster's rise and fall

Rather than the steady trail of a train

Where are all my bandages? I cant find them
I used them for my wounds
But they disappeared

The cuts burn
And the bruises bleed

I no longer care

I have no bandages and no bandaids
I can't complain
The wounds are self-inflicted
I relish the pain

It's alright
The wounds are a work of art
Emotional
Delusional
Dysfunctionally comfortable

But what good is a bandaid
To a broken soul
A painkiller
To a faulty heart
What good is a smile
To hidden tears?

You give me the good ol' blues

I took you for the happy feels but the happy feels done gone

I'm close to tears again
It's not you
I'm just broken

Maybe I shouldn't have done what I just did

I took two ibuprofens
And two codeine pills

Yes I was in pain
But not the kind you think
I was suffocating
And needed to wash them down
With an ice cold drink

But now I'm numbing
The pressure subsided
I am a little lightheaded
It's not what I wanted

**** I shouldn't have done that
There's a slight thumping in my right temple
Hey?! Arent you supposed to be a painkiller?

I took you for the happy feels
Where the happy feels at?
I'm still broken, nauseous, and sad

I took you for the happy feels
But baby you give me the blues
My fork shakes as I hand it to you

Honey dont leave me
I'm lost and confused

I took you for the happy feels
But you gave me the blues

Baby baby, im red yellow and blue

Im listening to sad songs, singing the blues

Baby dont let me cry
I'm hurting

I feel each beat of my heart, pumping

You were my happy pill
Now I'm just lost and confused

I took you for the happy feels
But all you made me was blue.

I go through the motions
Of the ocean waves
Haunted by illusions of control

I stumble and fall, into the water
Breathing it in
The poison burning my lungs
As I choke

I try to unlock
What lies beyond
But I am stiff and motionless

Emotionless
The corrosiveness
Eating at my very core

You wont see it

The lack of control
The rise and fall, of the waves
As they crash into me
As they wash me ashore

You wont see me cease to breathe
The water weighing my lungs down
The water making me bleed
With a full frontal collision

I am collateral damage
I am the aftermath of disaster
I am the sadness
Thereafter

I am the chaos, the calm,
The lightning and the fog
I am a motionless corpse

You wont see it
When I cough and stand
Brush off the sand
As I rise and stumble back into the ocean
As the waves destroy me once more
As my body is washed ashore
Again

You wont see me

When I nod and smile
While you speak
When I cheer, as you peak
When I fall to the ground
When you turn around
Never to get up again.