Mind, nothing more than a swollen abscess
With long forgotten memories, pressed down and repressed
With enough pressure, the accuser becomes the accused
As agony is seared in, and infused
Childhood stolen, of ignorance deprived
Innocence lies rotting where it was buried alive

©Pauline Russell

I've broken through my outer wall
Only to find a cliff from which to fall
I think I'll run and jump
Maybe then my heart will pump
With an adrenaline rush of being free
Finally a smile on my face, a glimpse of glee
I know I'll hit the bottom, I always do
But this time there will be no need for glue
I'll savour the air passing by
I won't even close my eyes
I'll watch the ground rush up
This life was just to corrupt
Now I know whats on the other side of my wall
I'll leap instead of fall

I've broken through my outer wall
Only to find a cliff from which to fall
I think I'll run and jump
Maybe then my heart will pump
With an adrenaline rush of being free
Finally a smile on my face, a glimpse of glee
I know I'll hit the bottom, I always do
But this time there will be no need for glue
I'll savour the air passing by
I won't even close my eyes
I'll watch the ground rush up
This life was just to corrupt
Now I know whats on the other side of my wall
I'll leap instead of bawl

Teaching life lessons
Death abides always in them
Fairytales are grim

With bullet like words I'll let it rain
So everyone can ******* pain
Let them crumble under my strain

Someone needs to ring the bell
I already fell
All my life I've tasted the flames of hell

Hit after hit, bout after bout
No ones there to help me out
With deafened ears they hear my shouts

I've ran out of options, ran out of luck
Now I'm being ****** in, I'm stuck
Will no one brave the quicksand and pull me up

Look at the mess they made
Not helping a friend that could've been saved
I hope they never come to my grave

With bullet like words I'll let it rain
So everyone can ******* pain
Let them crumble under my strain

Someone needs to ring the bell
I already fell
All my life I've tasted the flames of hell

Hit after hit, bout after bout
No ones there to help me out
With deafened ears they hear my shouts

I've ran out of options, ran out of luck
Now I'm being ****** in, I'm stuck
Will no one brave the quicksand and pull me up

Look at the mess they made
Not helping a friend that could've been saved
I hope they never come to my grave

Most the time it's my fault
Always in the path when the bullet's shot
All I have to show
Is a heart full of bullet holes

There was a young girl that her mom was always broke
At school she was the **** of all their jokes
Their words where so stark
It harrowed in the dark
Much to her chagrin
The words all sunk in
With her feelings on her sleeves
She did her best to please

Her mom loved her so
But with all her worries it didn't show
And she was working hard so they would have a place
She didn't notice the sadness of her daughters face
Or the cuts all lined up in their space

The kids at school thought it was fun
To ridicule her about how she was dumb
She felt so alone, so shunned
They made jokes about her hair
And the clothes she had to wear

They had one last ploy
I wonder if they knew it was her final joy
It was just the catalyst
On her very long list
It was her last hope to find true love, and some bliss
Instead of always feeling so lifeless
He asked her out, but stood her up
And that sorrow over followed her cup

On that night she made a choice
And decided to listen to that little voice
She cut up her wrist, and made a sad face on her throat
She wore that final red coat

God's off his meds again
Guess he was tired of trying to fit in
Now he stands at the corner of 44th and vine
Screaming all the time

The end is coming soon
And it's gonna be a monsoon
Of catastrophe pain, and death
Because you mortals aint seen nothing yet

God is off his meds again
And he doesn't have any friends
It's apparent he's all alone
I think he's becoming an old crone

He's *****, and he's angry
It's apparent he's gonna let fly the fury
He looks just like a homeless ***
He screams at all that to he's corner come

The end is very near
Does no human on this plant fear
He keeps screaming night and day
But no one want to hear what he has to say

God is off he's meds today

Buried alive in a worm box
As he smuggle stood on top
"***** I'm burying you alive"
"No one will hear your cries"
The worms wiggled around behind my back
I struggled there in the pitch black
The smell of freash earth was so overpowering
And on top he just stood up there towering
I clawed at the lid
Of that old frig
But he was to heavy it did not give
My oxygen was soon depleted
I knew then I was defeated
Buried alive in a worm box
Who would of ever thought

As you can see I survived that day
But when at last on a cold slab I lay
And when they put that tag on my toe
It's off to the crematorium I go
Because being buried once is quite enough
I really am not all that tough

Late one evening on a stroll
I was feeling mighty droll
I came to the big open meadow
And decided to sit down and mellow

There was nothing but grass for miles to see
Nothing at all but this one tiny bee
He looked in a great hurry
He's wing's buzzed with a mighty flurry

So me being me
I decided to fallow and see
He ziged and he zaged
I tried hard not to lag
At the top of a small hill crest
Is when I seen all the rest

On one side the bees, the other side the butterflies
And right in the middle their prize

It was the only one left
Frost had taken all the rest
It was tattered and torn
But it's beauty none could scorn
For it had stood times test
It had been stronger than the rest

It had been pearly white
Such a beautifully gourges sight
Now a dingy gray
It's nectar still as sweet as that very first day

And that's what started the war
That one little flower is what they where all here for
The big strong bees
Thought they could bring the butterflies to their knees
The fragile brightly painted butterflies
Behind their backs had a big surprise

The bees flew in first, stingers at the ready
Their stingers polished and sharp, flight was steady
The butterflies spread wide their colored wings
Hiding behind them their evil means

The first bee to the flower was shot down
I watched it spiral and hit the ground
That was it, all out war
All those flying fighting insects shook me the core

The bees had brought knifes to the butterflies gun battle
All I could hear was buzzing and tiny gun fire crackle
The air was a sea of colorful wings
And the yellow and black with the wings that sings

The bees were out powered
With the guns the butterflies advanced on the flower
The bodies of bees soon littered the ground
And when it was all over, it was sad what was found

The poor flower had been beaten down
It was laying with the dead bees on the ground
The butterflies realized the war had been for naught
For neither side would get what they want

But the butterflies had tasted power
They forgot about that little flower
So if in your town the bees are despairing
Then know the butterfly revolution is nearing

Late one evening on a stroll
I was feeling mighty droll
I came to the big open meadow
And decided to sit down and mellow

There was nothing but grass for miles to see
Nothing at all but this one tiny bee
He looked in a great hurry
He's wing's buzzed with a mighty flurry

So me being me
I decided to fallow and see
He ziged and he zaged
I tried hard not to lag
At the top of a small hill crest
Is when I seen all the rest

On one side the bees, the other side the butterflies
And right in the middle their prize

It was the only one left
Frost had taken all the rest
It was tattered and torn
But it's beauty none could scorn
For it had stood times test
It had been stronger than the rest

It had been pearly white
Such a beautifully gourges sight
Now a dingy gray
It's nectar still as sweet as that very first day

And that's what started the war
That one little flower is what they where all here for
The big strong bees
Thought they could bring the butterflies to their knees
The fragile brightly painted butterflies
Behind their backs had a big surprise

The bees flew in first, stingers at the ready
Their stingers polished and sharp, flight was steady
The butterflies spread wide their colored wings
Hiding behind them their evil means

The first bee to the flower was shot down
I watched it spiral and hit the ground
That was it, all out war
All those flying fighting insects shook me the core

The bees had brought knifes to the butterflies gun battle
All I could hear was buzzing and tiny gun fire crackle
The air was a sea of colorful wings
And the yellow and black with the wings that sings

The bees were out powered
With the guns the butterflies advanced on the flower
The bodies of bees soon littered the ground
And when it was all over, it was sad what was found

The poor flower had been beaten down
It was laying with the dead bees on the ground
The butterflies realized the war had been for naught
For neither side would get what they want

But the butterflies had tasted power
They forgot about that little flower
So if in your town the bees are despairing
Then know the butterfly revolution is nearing

The darkness is about to take you
And there is nothing I can say or do
Just remember my friend
Your pain for you might end
But it doesn't disappear
Just where will it land and adhere
How far will the pain you release go
I guess you'll never know

But I will bear witness to your butterfly effect
I will watch the ripples and where they will project
Will your little catipiller hold up under the pain
Will he be able to bear the strain
Or will he fallow in your steps
Spreading more of that butterfly effect

I will bear witness with tears bitting my eyes
As I say my goodbyes
I know I'll get a chunk of your pain to add to my own
I will be counted among the victims that your act has sown

But I will just bite down and bear it, I'll have to
Because my catipillers I won't put thru
That evil butterfly effect
Please my friend before you do, please just sit down and reflect!!!!!

The darkness is about to take you
And there is nothing I can say or do
Just remember my friend
Your pain when you die for you might end
But it doesn't disappear
Just where will it land and adhere
How far will the pain you release go
I guess you'll never know

But I will bear witness to your butterfly effect
I will watch the ripples and where they will project
Will your little catipiller hold up under the pain
Will he be able to bear the strain
Or will he fallow in your steps
Spreading more of that butterfly effect

I will bear witness with tears bitting my eyes
As I say my goodbyes
I know I'll get a chunk of your pain to add to my own
I will be counted among the victims that your act has sown

But I will just bite down and bear it, I'll have to
Because my catipillers I won't put thru
That evil butterfly effect
Please my friend before you do, please just sit down and reflect!!!!!

Dakness set's in
It found me again
Sheets of crystal white
Where I wage my fight
I can't even write
The papers to wet
And it's not sweat
My mind is not fit
F**k this ****
I'm out of it


Bye

The cage is full
Now what will I do
I think I'm *******
Their busting through
My fear it grew
My lifes askew
They will ensue
can I get a redo

Little baby Abel
Rocks in his cradle
He doesn't know his fate yet
But his killer he has met

Little boy Cain
Standing in the lane
He doesn't know his fate yet
Wonder if he'll feel regret

Abel always did what he was told
Cain was adventurous and bold
Abel was the baby, apple of his parent's eye
Cain could see this and it made him cry

Look after your younger brother he was told
And with that anger was sowed
Cain couldn't go and do his own thing
To his brother he was chained

And the day at the alter was the final straw
Cain was filled with jealousy by what he saw
Even God loved Abel more than him
So he committed his first sin

A split decision was made
And soon on the ground his brother layed
Abel's blood soon soaked the ground
And from heaven came an awful sound

God spoke to Cain for the very first time
"In this land that is mine"
"You can no longer stay"
"You now must travel far away"

Now their parents lost two sons
They had showen more favor over one
And in return they lost both of them
Abel killed by his brother's hand, Cain by God himself condemned

I can feel the monsters skull trying to break out
I can feel the snout slowly growing stout
I can hear the growls deep and fearful start
A crack of all the bones, a moving of the parts
Writhing in pain falling to the ground
No longer can a human form be found

Why are you braced to run
Don't you want to have some fun
After all you called it out from me
When you made my emotions bleed
You was so very **** obstinate
Now turn and face the consequence


He licks his lips, he can taste your lies
He stares intently into your eyes
There is nothing he can't find
Nothing can you hide
Looking you over
He takes a big sniff of your odor
He takes your face in his claws
To him you must plea, he makes the call
Are you worthy of me at all
For my Monster won't rip, won't tear
He'll simply make you miss what use to be there.

©Pauline Russell

I can feel the monsters skull trying to break out
I can feel the snout slowly growing stout
I can hear the growls deep and fearful start
A crack of all the bones, a moving of the parts
Writhing in pain falling to the ground
No longer can a human form be found

Why are you braced to run
Don't you want to have some fun
After all you called it out from me
When you made my emotions bleed
You was so very **** obstinate
Now turn and face the consequence

He licks his lips, he can taste your lies
He stares intently into your eyes
There is nothing he can't find
Nothing can you hide
Looking you over
He takes a big sniff of your odor
He takes your face in his claws
To him you must plea, he makes the call
Are you worthy of me at all
For my Monster won't rip, won't tear
He'll simply make you miss what use to be there.

©Pauline Russell

It's the calling of the evening
And the sky looks like it's bleeding
I set on the porch in the cooling of the air
And the worries of the day, I no longer care
Listening to the birds last songs of the day
Before they take wing and fly away
Darkness slowly creeping up
As I wrap my hands around my warm cup
The sky changes to a deepened blue
Such a beautiful hue
I simply love this time of day and the changes the sky goes through
The fireflies look like stars on earth
And the children know of their worth
The chase them all around the yard
Hoping to catch a few off guard
I watch them play shadow tag, and I start to reminisce
Of my childhood memories and all the things I miss
Of all the fun me and my sister had
But then my thoughts grow sad
About all of my family that has passed away
Like my mom and dad and my mood starts to decay
And mosquitoes start to buzz my head
Guess it's time to go to bed
And dream about my dear loved ones
Until the mourning sun

It's the calling of the evening
And the sky looks like it's bleeding
I set on the porch in the cooling of the air
And the worries of the day, I no longer care
Listening to the birds last songs of the day
Before they take wing and fly away
Darkness slowly creeping up
As I wrap my hands around my warm cup
The sky changes to a deepened blue
Such a beautiful hue
I simply love this time of day and the changes the sky goes through
The fireflies look like stars on earth
And the children know of their worth
The chase them all around the yard
Hoping to catch a few off guard
I watch them play shadow tag, and I start to reminisce
Of my childhood memories and all the things I miss
Of all the fun me and my sister had
But then my thoughts grow sad
About all of my family that has passed away
Like my mom and dad and my mood starts to decay
And mosquitoes start to buzz my head
Guess it's time to go to bed
And dream about my dear loved ones
Until the mourning sun

Demons whisper in my ear
So only I can hear
"Pick up that gun, feel the weight in your hand
Go on point it at your temple, we promise it well be grand"

Hand gripping the gun tight, finger on the trigger
I know there are things to be considered
With gun pointed to the ground
I get up and start to pace around

In my sister's room doing laps
As quick as the grays on the tracks
Chasing that ever elusive rabbit
I'm to lost in thought and pacing is just habit
Is this my sister's test
Telling me about the loaded gun and all the rest

I could take the gun, and take a walk, the woods are not that far
Just past the cemetery, just past that golden star
Sit under a big old oak tree
Put the barrel between my eyes, count to three
A single shot the birds would scatter to the sky
I would die

But I can't do that, my sister would blame herself foever
For my suicidal endeavor
So I put the gun down
Metal on wood is the only sound
I slowly and quietly walk away
Looks like I survived another day

A man of pain
A man of Cain
Entered my life
Like a two edged knife

Fist decorating with bruises
There is no release, he refuses
Sleep is denied, mind turns to mush
No escaping, till my breath is hushed

My death is there within his eyes
Air shut off, harshly denied
Hands wrapped around throat
Till mind shuts off, then floats

©Pauline Russell

There we where just cruising along
But I could tell something was wrong

Your temperature was starting to rise
And off of you smoke started to rise

Then you just up and died
I looked to the sky

And I cry
Why

Why now, why you
Why Lord, now what do I do


I call a tow trunk to come to our aid
To pick up the mess that you made

He picks up your useless carcass
I just want to cuss
Never again we'll it be us

Welcome to her house of many bones
Step into one of life's great unknowns
With broken dreams and shattered heart
In this carnival of freaks she is apart
For the price of a ticket you can see
All the horror, and agony there could ever be

All we ask is to put down your stones
On the left is a kingless throne
No love was ever ment to stay
I don't know why, it's just that way
On your left is the dreams that's died
Where want and reality did collide

In the next room you will find
All the demons that are in her mind
Young man, please step back
These demons will, and do attack
On her arm's you'll see the scars
Made with their talon like sharpened claws

Please don't dottle, let's hurry along
This sad little journey we don't want to prolong
Up next you'll find
Human monsters of every kind
They all wear a clever disguise
You won't even see them unless your wise

Of the shadow men take no heed
Off the sorrow they just feed
The closets doors all are open wide
Not one skeleton does she hide
Please don't be scared, please don't shout
The are free to dance about

Last but not lest I want to show
What happens when the anguish grows
Tormented by years of unbridled strife
In the coffin lies her pitiful life
It's not her body, for she is the walking dead
Heart in taters, screams echoing in her head
Eyes opened wide with years of dread

The light and happiness are always there mocking
You'll find her over there in the corner rocking
Yes she had to be restrained
In the straitjacket she will remain
It's for your safety, not hers
For the pain she endures
Is not for weak amateurs

Exit on the right
Single file, please don't fight
Enjoy the rest of the attractions
We guarantee a hundred percent satisfaction
Unless in this carnival of woeful souls you are captured
Then your only hope will be the rapture

Welcome to her house of many bones
Step into one of life's great unknowns
With broken dreams and shattered heart
In this carnival of freaks she is apart
For the price of a ticket you can see
All the horror, and agony there could ever be

All we ask is to put down your stones
On the left is a kingless throne
No love was ever ment to stay
I don't know why, it's just that way
On your right is the dreams that's died
Where want and reality did collide

In the next room you will find
All the demons that are in her mind
Young man, please step back
These demons will, and do attack
On her arm's you'll see the scars
Made with their talon like sharpened claws

Please don't dottle, let's hurry along
This sad little journey we don't want to prolong
Up next you'll find
Human monsters of every kind
They all wear a clever disguise
You won't even see them unless your wise

Of the shadow men take no heed
Off the sorrow they just feed
The closets doors all are open wide
Not one skeleton does she hide
Please don't be scared, please don't shout
The are free to dance about

Last but not lest I want to show
What happens when the anguish grows
Tormented by years of unbridled strife
In the coffin lies her pitiful life
It's not her body, for she is the walking dead
Heart in taters, screams echoing in her head
Eyes opened wide with years of dread

The light and happiness are always there mocking
You'll find her over there in the corner rocking
Yes she had to be restrained
In the straitjacket she will remain
It's for your safety, not hers
For the pain she endures
Is not for weak amateurs

Exit on the right
Single file, please don't fight
Enjoy the rest of the attractions
We guarantee a hundred percent satisfaction
Unless in this carnival of woeful souls you are captured
Then your only hope will be the rapture

Welcome to her house of many bones
Step into one of life's great unknowns
With broken dreams and shattered heart
In this carnival of freaks she is apart
For the price of a ticket you can see
All the horror, and agony there could ever be

All we ask is to put down your stones
On the left is a kingless throne
No love was ever ment to stay
I don't know why, it's just that way
On your right is the dreams that's died
Where want and reality did collide

In the next room you will find
All the demons that are in her mind
Young man, please step back
These demons will, and do attack
On her arm's you'll see the scars
Made with their talon like sharpened claws

Please don't dottle, let's hurry along
This sad little journey we don't want to prolong
Up next you'll find
Human monsters of every kind
They all wear a clever disguise
You won't even see them unless your wise

Of the shadow men take no heed
Off the sorrow they just feed
The closets doors all are open wide
Not one skeleton does she hide
Please don't be scared, please don't shout
The are free to dance about

Last but not lest I want to show
What happens when the anguish grows
Tormented by years of unbridled strife
In the coffin lies her pitiful life
It's not her body, for she is the walking dead
Heart in taters, screams echoing in her head
Eyes opened wide with years of dread

The light and happiness are always there mocking
You'll find her over there in the corner rocking
Yes she had to be retrained
In the straight-jacket she will remain
It's for your safety, not hers
For the pain she endures
Is not for weak amateurs

Exit on the right
Single file, please don't fight
Enjoy the rest of the attractions
We guarantee a hundred percent satisfaction
Unless in this carnival of woeful souls you are captured
Then your only hope will be the rapture

Welcome to her house of many bones
Step into one of life's great unknowns
With broken dreams and shattered heart
In this carnival of freaks she is apart
For the price of a ticket you can see
All the horror, and agony there could ever be

All we ask is to put down your stones
On the left is a kingless throne
No love was ever ment to stay
I don't know why, it's just that way
On your left is the dreams that's died
Where want and reality did collide

In the next room you will find
All the demons that are in her mind
Young man, please step back
These demons will, and do attack
On her arm's you'll see the scars
Made with their talon like sharpened claws

Please don't dottle, let's hurry along
This sad little journey we don't want to prolong
Up next you'll find
Human monsters of every kind
They all wear a clever disguise
You won't even see them unless your wise

Of the shadow men take no heed
Off the sorrow they just feed
The closets doors all are open wide
Not one skeleton does she hide
Please don't be scared, please don't shout
The are free to dance about

Last but not lest I want to show
What happens when the anguish grows
Tormented by years of unbridled strife
In the coffin lies her pitiful life
It's not her body, for she is the walking dead
Heart in taters, screams echoing in her head
Eyes opened wide with years of dread

The light and happiness are always there mocking
You'll find her over there in the corner rocking
Yes she had to be restrained
In the straitjacket she will remain
It's for your safety, not hers
For the pain she endures
Is not for weak amateurs

Exit on the right
Single file, please don't fight
Enjoy the rest of the attractions
We guarantee a hundred percent satisfaction
Unless in this carnival of woeful souls you are captured
Then your only hope will be the rapture

The cast iron skillet of love
Fell on me from up above
No time for a warning to be said
It landed squarely on my head

Pain far from dull
It caved in my skull
Scrambled my brains
Let them all drain
Gray matter splatered
Nothing else mattered

An unstoppable event
It quickly came and went
It left my heart sore
My brains on the floor

I have a lot of pain
It weighs heavy on my brain
I think you know
I think it shows
You touch my thigh,"what is that"
"Oh it's nothing just a fight with the cat"
You sadly shake you head
You know I don't have one, you left it unsaid

We where casual friends that turned into casual lovers
I'm so happy with you under my covers
We leave those three words alone
Knowing they **** any relationship sown
We keep our feeling hidden
Those three words we both decided was forbidden

But we're together every weekend
We pretend we're only friends
But everyone sees what we are becoming
But from those feelings we are running
For without the heart involved
We won't get hurt, that is our resolve

That way my pain on you won't weigh
You can look the other way
My darkness can't touch you
You can over look the things I do
Without those words to bind us to each other
My sadness won't smother

Yep, this relationship is perfect
There is nothing of each other we have to except
If it ends, it simply ends
There will be no heart to mend
Just memories of fun times
Spent under the covers, a taste of the sublime

It's hard to sleep with clothes on again
It was so heavenly sleeping next to him
In tangled in his every limb

For all them days, time for us was at a stand
We would just sleep when we can
When you wasn't proving you was a passionate man

Our body's always moving in perfect rhythm
Multiple ******* was just a given
So intense, it made me confess my religion

Every primeval need meet
I begging for more,for the next
Our amazingly, sensual, causal ***!!!!!

Spinning and spinning, around and round
Never knowing what will be found
Between love and pain,back and forth, door to door
Which one will I open now, will it knock me on the floor
Pain can leave you lying
Love can set you to flying
So I'm caught between ying and yang
Feeling like a yo-yo again

On my knees but it hurts to pray
I wither in agony every ******* day
I must ask you to look the other way

I am the cautionary tale
I have stepped behind the veil
But even in death I was a fail

So eager for death
For secrets to be kept
Till that final last breath

I prayed for the pain to stop
I prayed for the demons not to romp
Through my life, on my dreams not to stomp

Seems that I've prayed to one that refuses to listen
There seems to be a rift, a division
For my life plays out in black and crimson

On my knees but it hurts to pray
I wither in agony every ******* day
I must ask you to look the other way

The breath of change are blowing again
It's a hurricane of a wind
I'm being blown like a tumble ****, head over heels
This cart has lost it's wheels

There's no stoping this ride
I've tried
So I'll just blow along
Until this monsoon is gone
If I come out the other side battered and ******
Well....I will have made it out, I'm a quick study

Not sure how it's gonna end
Or just where this well leave me, where it'll send
I've lost the illusion of control
I'm living, I'm swimming in a fish bowl

I'm on display
Watch my as I'm splayed
Everything will be spilled
Nothing will be hidden, nothing will be filled
Nothing will be forgiven
Just to see how far this darkness was been driven

I have a glimpse of happiness
It's chasing away the blackness
But I'm scared and apprehensive
Because these feelings are so intensive

These feelings have grown in such a few days
And I am so use to things not going my way
But he is the sweets most honest man I've ever found
But I'm worried my sadness will bring him down

But for now I am floating feet not on the ground
And I'm begging to God there will not be that splattering sound
Of falling off this cloud that I'm on
I couldn't bear to turn around and him to be gone

So for now I'm gonna enjoy this feeling of hope
That someone has found me and with my darkness they can cope
This might be a turning point after all of these years
It just awful that I have all of these fears

I'm just so use to good times turning into nightmares
And hope always turning into despair
So I pray he just gives some time
Because my darkened thoughts can't turn on a dime

And even though we are miles apart
I can still feel the beat of his heart
My pulse quickens when we talk
His words always hit their mark
And he has so definitely started a spark
In a fire that so long ago had turned to ashes
But boy, does that man give me hot flashes

Late last night within my dreams
Chasing the wind, it showed me scenes
How it carved the mountains steep
Made the canyons very deep
Showing me cities centuries old
Glittering in the sun layerd in gold
I watched as the wind carried the sands of time
Burying the cities up, it felt like a loss it felt like a crime

I chased the wind so very far, I had to know
How do you pick where and how hard to blow

"Child by now you should see
I am not in control of me
Like every force of nature, we harken to His voice
What I do is His choice
From the gale winds that tosses ships
Or tornados that through communities rip
I'm the cool kiss on a soldiers sweaty brow
At their feet I spread the sent of death so foul
I touch every single blade of grass
Flowers nod a greeting as I pass
I do my masters bidding without question
Every single thing is but a lesson"

"Brace my friend, Your Winds of change are about to be
You'll no longer have to go chase me
Begging the creator to let it be good just this once
To let you taste happiness and joy in abundance
Through way to many years I have watched you cried
It saddens me all your tears I have dried"

Though you will look but never see
You will always fell the essence that is me
I was your first breath of life, that first pain filled cry
I was there every step, every stumble along your journey, I promise to be your last sigh

©Pauline Russell

Late last night within my dreams
Chasing the wind, it showed me scenes
How it carved the mountains steep
Made the canyons very deep
Showing me cities centuries old
Glittering in the sun layerd in gold
I watched as the wind carried the sands of time
Burying the cities up, it felt like a loss it felt like a crime

I chased the wind so very far, I had to know
How do you pick where and how hard to blow

"Child by now you should see
I am not in control of me
Like every force of nature, we harken to His voice
What I do is His choice
From the gale winds that tosses ships
Or tornados that through communities rip
I'm the cool kiss on a soldiers sweaty brow
At their feet I spread the sent of death so foul
I touch every single blade of grass
Flowers nod a greeting as I pass
I do my masters bidding without question
Every single thing is but a lesson"

"Brace my friend, Your Winds of change are about to be
You'll no longer have to go chase me
Begging the creator to let it be good just this once
To let you taste happiness and joy in abundance
Through way to many years I have watched you cried
It saddens me all your tears I have dried"

Though you will look but never see
You will always fell the essence that is me
I was your first breath of life, that first pain filled cry
I was there every step, every stumble along your journey, I promise to be your last sigh

©Pauline Russell

This is the jail cell
This is the hell
trapped in this jaded mind
What will I find
Thoughts tick tocking away Wondering which way will I sway
To the left or to the right
To the dark or to the bright
My mind is all swirling
Like a tornado it's twirling
The angels they play
And remind me of a better day
The demons they dance
Just hoping by chance
That I will join in
And dance with my sin
tick tock, tick tock, which way will I sway
What's my choice going to be today

She was just sitting there cigarette between her fingers
The smoke curling up above her head, it lingered
She was just contemplating the universe, and her place in it
She felt like a round peg trying to be pushed into a square hole, she just didn't fit
She was far more beautiful than she knew and her spirit was a wonderful kind of wild
Her loving generosity was always reflected in her gorgeous smile
It was heart breaking that it was not flashed more often
But what else would you expect when all of her dreams had died and had all but been forgotten

Her Grandma had taught her as a small child of a loving, caring God
She inhaled deeply from her cigarette and thought if He was so loving why had He only punished her with the rod
She exhaled and let the smoke rise above her, maybe her Grandma had been wrong
Her faith was waning because of all she had lived through all she had seen, her faith was almost gone

She snuffed out her cigarette, stood up and took a long look around
She was completely alone, her broken heart beat was the only sound
Her eye's was filled with the tears of a lifetime of pain, anger and sorrow
She was terrified of the uncertain future and what was to follow

If only she had relized how many other's lifes she had touched and changed
She had so many times sacrificed of herself, let her life be rearranged
She had that rare type of heart that could always see past the surface, to see their lost beautiful soul
What an agonizing tragedy she was blinded to her own amazing, loving, unselfish beautiful soul; she just didn't know

She was just sitting there cigarette between her fingers
The smoke curling up above her head, it lingered
She was just contemplating the universe, and her place in it
She felt like a round peg trying to be pushed into a square hole, she just didn't fit
She was far more beautiful than she knew and her spirit was a wonderful kind of wild
Her loving generosity was always reflected in her gorgeous smile
It was heart breaking that it was not flashed more often
But what else would you expect when all of her dreams had died and had all but been forgotten

Her Grandma had taught her as a small child of a loving, caring God
She inhaled deeply from her cigarette and thought if He was so loving why had He only punished her with the rod
She exhaled and let the smoke rise above her, maybe her Grandma had been wrong
Her faith was waning because of all she had lived through all she had seen, her faith was almost gone

She snuffed out her cigarette, stood up and took a long look around
She was completely alone, her broken heart beat was the only sound
Her eye's was filled with the tears of a lifetime of pain, anger and sorrow
She was terrified of the uncertain future and what was to follow

If only she had relized how many other's lifes she had touched and changed
She had so many times sacrificed of herself, let her life be rearranged
She had that rare type of heart that could always see past the surface, to see their lost beautiful soul
What an agonizing tragedy she was blinded to her own amazing, loving, unselfish beautiful soul; she just didn't know

The wind will blow, the chimes will dance
Be you in the throws of grief, or great romance
Our feelings, nothing but a victim of circumstance

©Pauline Russell

The wind will blow, the chimes will dance
Be you in the throws of grief, or great romance
Our feelings, nothing but a victim of circumstance

©Pauline Russell

On a cold winter day you could of found him here
Standing on the corner of 44th and Vine holding out his cup to anyone that comes near

"Brother can you spare a dime"
Most rush by they don't have time
No time to care about their fellow human
"He'll spend it on alcohol" most that paid attention was assuming

But what he really wanted was just enough
That even though he was looking gruff
He could go into the dinner and buy a cup
Sit awail and simply warm up
Maybe even dream a bit
Of how his younger years where spent

For at one time he was a son, a brother
Long ago his siblings moved, and alone he had buried his mother
At one time he was a husband, a Dad
But they left him all alone they were all he had

The fall had been slow
Inch by inch he had slowly let go
Now he finds himself ***** and haggard
Knowing that nothing at all mattered

His face is weather worn and wrinkled, a permanent frown
A battered, worn thin sock cap is his crown

All he had in life was on his back to help keep out the cold
Of the frezzing December snow that bitterly did blow
By his side a little dog, his one and only companion
In that dogs eye's he was a champion

For any food he managed to scrounge
He always feed that mutt first, any thing he found
That's the way you would treat your best friend
He knew that wonderful dog would stay with him till the end

After hours of standing in the bitter wind he finally gave up
There was not even a penny, empty was his cup
No one had taken pity
He was bone tired and weary

So he simply faded into the darkness of the night
Crawled into his cardboard box pulled, up his tattered thin blanket, held his little dog tight
Snuggled close togeather the frezzing cold the two togeather tried to fight
The kind cop that always checked on him, found them both there in the morning light

The night time temperature had been to brutal
The *** and his dog's attempt to stay warm had been futile
The cop made sure they were buried togeather
So they would always have each other forever

They lay there in the paupers grave
To bad the human race was to busy to care, he was not a nobody, he could of been saved!!

Standing on the cliffs edge
One foot over the ledge

With clockwork precision
You made your incision
You planned with perfection
All of your deception
You never wavered in your disguise
That made for my immanent demise

You played the part of victim
But it was my heart that was missing
You must have a gift
You were so sweet, but swift
With a flick of your wrist
My heart from my chest was dismissed

But you insisted
You didn't leave me bent or twisted
You didn't break or shatter
What really mattered
You said "I didn't leave your heart broken
I took it as a token"

You placed my heart among the rest
It was quite a collection you possessed
****** and still pumping, they sat on your shelf
They were all for you, nobody else

For I found out to late
My feelings would abate
For you let them lay and stagnate
Because what was beneath your breastplate
Was an empty chasm
The depths of which I couldn't even fathom

I guess you took them to fill your own void
I supposed thats why with others you toyed
Maybe you thought with enough hearts
It might be like it was for you in the start
You would feel something more than dread
But look how many you left as the walking dead

It didn't matter how many heartless victims you left in your wake
It was always about you, for Heaven sake
After all you was the victim
With heartlessness and hatred you were stricken
Now you spread like a disease
Just to bring the world to it's knees
One heart at a time
For you, love is the crime

With clockwork precision
You made your incision
You planned with perfection
All of your deception
You never wavered in your disguise
That made for my immanent demise

You played the part of victim
But it was my heart that was missing
You must have a gift
You were so sweet, but swift
With a flick of your wrist
My heart from my chest was dismissed

But you insisted
You didn't leave me bent or twisted
You didn't break or shatter
What really mattered
You said "I didn't leave your heart broken
I took it as a token"

You placed my heart among the rest
It was quite a collection you possessed
****** and still pumping, they sat on your shelf
They were all for you, nobody else

For I found out to late
My feelings would abate
For you let them lay and stagnate
Because what was beneath your breastplate
Was an empty chasm
The depths of which I couldn't even fathom

I guess you took them to fill your own void
I supposed thats why with others you toyed
Maybe you thought with enough hearts
It might be like it was for you in the start
You would feel something more than dread
But look how many you left as the walking dead

It didn't matter how many heartless victims you left in your wake
It was always about you, for Heaven sake
After all you was the victim
With heartlessness and hatred you were stricken
Now you spread like a disease
Just to bring the world to it's knees
One heart at a time
For you, love is the crime

Standing in a harvested field, the sky touching the ground
Not a raise, a tree, or a hill to be found
A coal black cloud is coming down
Standing there head back, hoping in it's rain I drown
My heart is bleeding black
Everything from a young age went so off track
I am just the black sheep
I am just the freak
Watch me as my eyes leak
This lonely watch I keep
On my knees now I just weep
It's only sorrow that I reap
For a life lived amongst the ruins
Living under a storm constantly brewing
Daylight seeped through once or twice
Made the formless bleakness more than thrice
So I beg for no more light
It just makes it harder to fight
If blackness is where I'm ment to stay
Just keep the sun away

Standing in a harvested field, the sky touching the ground
Not a raise, a tree, or a hill to be found
A coal black cloud is coming down
Standing there head back, hoping in it's rain I drown
My heart is bleeding black
Everything from a young age went so off track
I am just the black sheep
I am just the freak
Watch me as my eyes leak
This lonely watch I keep
On my knees now I just weep
It's only sorrow that I reap
For a life lived amongst the ruins
Living under a storm constantly brewing
Daylight seeped through once or twice
Made the formless bleakness more than thrice
So I beg for no more light
It just makes it harder to fight
If blackness is where I'm ment to stay
Just keep the sun away

Standing in a harvested field, the sky touching the ground
Not a raise, a tree, or a hill to be found
A coal black cloud is coming down
Standing there head back, hoping in it's rain I drown
My heart is bleeding black
Everything from a young age went so off track
I am just the black sheep
I am just the freak
Watch me as my eyes leak
This lonely watch I keep
On my knees now I just weep
It's only sorrow that I reap
For a life lived amongst the ruins
Living under a storm constantly brewing
Daylight seeped through once or twice
Made the formless bleakness more than thrice
So I beg for no more light
It just makes it harder to fight
If blackness is where I'm ment to stay
Just keep the sun far away

I want to feel the blood flow down my fingertips
I want to watch it drip on to the floor
And pool under my hand
I want to feel the warmth flow from my throat
And down my chest.
I want to wear a coat of red