No one talks about the fall
From prayer to silence, slow and small
It doesn’t strike in just one night,
But creeps in shadows, out of sight
Years ago, I broke and cried,
For something small, but deep inside
I thought: This is what I deserve
For all the sins I failed to swerve
So I repented, knees to floor,
Begged Him not to close the door
Swore I’d never doubt again,
Promised to obey, refrain
I changed my name, my words, my skin,
Buried the truth I held within
That thought was foolish, I would say,
And cast myself in shame away
I made others feel it, too
The hate I couldn’t work through
But it wasn’t hate, not really so
Just fear I wasn’t brave to show
You spend your life in sacred chains,
So leaving isn’t clear or plain
I said, “I’m done, I’ve let it go,”
But deep inside, I didn’t know
Each time I sat alone too long,
The doubts would sing a sacred song
And I would whisper in my head:
If I am wrong, guide me instead.
The guilt, the fear, it wore me thin,
A war I could not seem to win
That loop held tight for months, for years
A mess of faith, and shame, and tears
I don’t know when it slipped away,
But now I simply never pray
No need to fear what isn’t there,
No sky to watch, no eyes to stare
But still, the marks it left are deep,
In tiny ways they always creep
I never eat what once was banned,
Still choose the right, not left, hand
I mumble thanks before each bite,
Though no one’s listening in the night
I bless myself when I let sneeze,
Out of habit more than peace
And when religion finds a seat
In passing talk or crowded street,
Where once I’d freeze or brace or lie,
I simply blink and let it by
I no longer believe, but still I see
The shape faith carved so deep in me
It built my fears, it stilled my voice,
And never once gave me a choice
But now I’m here, no wrath, no flame
Just me, and echoes of a name
The god is gone, the grief remains
In whispered thoughts and stubborn chains
