i’m trying
to wrap my head
around what happened
i’ve never been dropped so
fast after being told
”i love you”

how much
was a lie you told?
how much was just so
you could wrap your hands
around my fragile heart?
i don’t think i’ll
ever know

i want
to scream
rage and make
you understand the
pain

you
spun tales
about a future
you never truly wanted
i was just
an option
an outcome
someone to
maybe choose
to love

and it hurts.

a lot.

my heart was an open house
you let yourself in
and tore the
place to
shreds




i don’t know
if you’ll ever understand
what your decisions
have done
to me

somedays i think
if i looked inside your heart
he would be there
instead of me

a ghost on the water
can you see her?
the pasts of people thrown overboard
cast aside
she is waste
second place
proxy for someone better
and she knows
there’s always someone other
than her

it starts with a whisper
quiet as the wind through your hair as you trek towards the water’s edge
feet sinking into the sand below

then it grows
filling your mind’s eye as the sight stretches before you, water crashing and frothing, stealing golden rays from the sunset above

the water tugs at your feet
the ocean, either through kindness or indifference, decides not to take you now
she just lets you watch
silently pouring all your emotions into the roar that surrounds you, into the endless amount of water at your feet and in front of you
and she listens
you are so small,
your problems and emotions are even smaller
she whispers to you, through the roar of her waves, the wind through your hair, the water stretching endlessly into the horizon

you are so small
and that is okay

i leaned on the fence
dandelion in my hand
and as i blew it
away
i whispered


i wish
to forgive

i stare
and i stare
my eyes are burning
but i can’t look away
from my safety
i can’t live in the moment
i’m so scared
i won’t admit it to anyone’s face but
i’m drowning in fear and loneliness
i have no good friends
people look at me as a conversation topic, not as a person
it might always be this way
and that’s what scares me the most

people hurt
they take your heart in their hands and squeeze the life out of it
but why

why do they lie
why do they say things that make you question yourself again and again

is it because they’re miserable
do they like to see the insercurity bubble up on others’ faces
or they just want to see you upset

i’m so confused
what is your objective
what do you want from me

oh the clock ticks
tocks
towards my departure
new place
almost-new life
i’m terrified and excited

oh, how hard it is
to understand how
soon
it is

i am buried
in the mountains of things you said to me
words upon words
stories upon stories
how much
was true?

i don't think i'll ever know
your truths and lies are both a mystery to me
so i
di s t a  n    c      e
myself from the words
but i will always be wrapped up in it no matter how much
i want to be free
i'm part of those words now

when words tip out of your mouth my name will be there
good memories tainted with disgust
i went from a nice person who did a few rude things
to an *******
to a monster
what point did it start becoming a lie?
at what point did the person you view in your mind stop becoming me
or it is possible that your words are so influential that i have now become what you said
or has it always been that way

i don't know


it feels wrong to be scared

everything is heavy
it hurts to move
it hurts to breathe
i just want this
pain to end
this drama
i’m sick of worrying
whether or not people
think i’m a monster
i just want to be left alone
god, please
just leave me alone