i don’t think anyone loves me anymore
everything i say and do
feels muted
like if no one notices it
it starts to not exist at all

i have so many things
i want to talk about
its been so long
since i’ve been someone’s best friend
i don’t remember the last time
someone invited me to hang out
without me asking

i miss the days
when my best friends and i
would curl up on a couch or bed
and watch Netflix
that hasn’t happened in a long time

i just feel so lonely
i’m wrapped up in my own head
and everyday i want to leave more
this town has shown me the depths
of loneliness
and i want to abandon it
just run
and not come back

i’m beginning to hate myself again
all my work has been for naught
i still feel the same nausea when i look in the mirror
i still feel the same disgust when i eat
i still feel the urge to rip my skin off
has anything changed?
i remember what it feels like to be happy
but i was filled with anxiety for so long
i think it’s become my natural state

i don’t want to give up
but it’s so hard...
my skin is burning and
every step is like walking through fire
but i promised myself i wouldn’t give up
i won’t give in
i left the part of me that gives up behind
so
even as i crack
even as i burn
even as i hurt
i do not stop
i do not give up

some people hate me
that fact pushes down on my chest
chokes me
it’s an excuse for my anxiety to creep in
it’s a simple fact that threatens to destroy
my fragile self-love
however
i cannot change that fact
some people i will never meet will think of my name and disgust will paint their face
some people will only know the worst of me, the person i have sought to change
some people i have met will dislike me
for no other reason than that i was annoying to them
and there’s nothing i can do about that
so when the hate tries to consume me
i just have to let go

the anxiety was like hooks in my body
digging into the edges of my organs
cramming everything to the sides
and leaving a gaping emptiness behind
it was all day, consuming me

i feel like that again, sometimes
my organs shift inside my body
my bones begin to ache
and the only solution seems to be
to open my skin and set everything right
to hurt

but i stop myself
i stop myself
and again, i realize
i can handle my own pain
i can handle my own anxiety

i've finally started taking care of myself
i've finally gotten rid of the toxicity in my life
and sometimes my lungs still feel like ten-pound weights
and sometimes it still seems almost easier to tear into my skin
but i don't
i fight through it
and although somedays feel impossible
i fight for my future
i fight against my own anxiety and fears
i fight against what other people have told me
i fight for myself
because i deserve to be happy and loved
and that's a long battle, indeed
and to make this happen

i will never ******* give up

Yeah you
I know you’ll read this soon

I miss you, too
and I know it was my fault
things happened that I regret
(like not taking your advice)
but I hope we can put that behind us
I don’t know what our friendship is
right now
but I’d like to build it back up again
if you want too
so uh
yeah
we should talk again