laughing;
it is
the best
way
to distract
the others
from
your
p a i n

lie after lie
tell 'em I'm fine
lie after lie
and they start to
believe

lie after lie
and you start
to believe
lie after lie
but the blade
couldn't be tricked

lie after lie,
tell them you're fine
lie after lie,
glass is now
in your veins
lie after lie,
you tell yourself
"That's not deep enough."

lie after lie
rose petals on the floor
lie after lie
one poem burned down
lie after lie
your blue eyes staring
at the hole where
lie before lie
my heart used to be

lie after lie
and soon
you don't know,
lie after lie,
you're not fine

lie after lie,
and soon,
lie after lie,
it's not
a lie.

I want to live
yet I'm slowly dying
God I know I sinned
wishing the day
of my death
would hunt me down
faster than
fate
would make it.

yet, I'm here,
feel it stalking
as a piece of my soul
slowly fades
away

I tried to catch it
the glimpse of life
colorful and
beloved
yet,
my hands turned transparent;
my legs were stuck deep in the ground,
my voice couldn't be heard,
my eyes didn't believe what they saw.
my soul cried.
my life was escaping.

and when it turned around,
I saw death
taking it away
and a final laugh
echoed through
my mind
until the rest of my days.

i am lost
and
shattered
amongst
memories

I can sense the magic
Tingling in his eyes
When I look at him, I see
Magic blurring his eyes
His intense gaze guarding me.

But that's not what I want.

Oh, and I know
I hold the power to
Control him
When I'm sad, he
Seems sad about it, too
Yet, when I laugh
I see the sparkling in his eyes
Magic, awoken.

But that's not what I want.

I know, I could
Be the puppet master
But that doesn't seem right,

But that's not what I want.

He brightens up my day
In a completely different way
We were born to be together
Magic pulled us closer
But not in that way,

But that's not what I want.

His eyes are like the deep underground
Filled with emotions
I stop and take a breath
Try to hold it in
I could be the center of his world
Yet I'm afraid I'd
Hurt and be hurt
But I'm trying to be careful,

But that's not what I want.

His eyes
Filled my heart
With magic
His touch
Brought me closer and made me stay
His magic
Possessed me and made me whole

...Maybe that's what I just want.

"Write a poem for us to understand".

Why would I?
My poem's my heart and my ribs,
The galaxy scarf that's been strangling me for years;
My lover and companion,
My cup of tea that I enjoy in while hating it.

I enjoy my smooth ride in my imagination,
Where I do things I want to do here,
But which my mind itself does not let me do.
Here.

It's my sacred temple and the saviour who the temple is for.

Why do you have a need to understand it?
I'm the one jealously holding it,
Yet trembling to explain it.

My daily dose of galaxy.

My daily dose of hedonism.

Daily dose of suffocating.

Every day, closer to death, the closest to madness.

Welcome to the cup of my universe.
Enjoy it and hate it.

hello, dear Sun,
with the ever bright smile,
the Sun that seems I left behind,
the Sun that appears in my mind.

the Sun was always beautiful
and it's warmth was like no other;
it made everyone's day brighter,

if only she herself could feel joy.

i read the Sun's letter
and the wishes on the book she got me,
time and time again,
hoping, for once,
the Sun would feel some
of her very own, warm rays of light.

and so, very well,
if the Sun wishes to leave,
i will gladly go blind
watching the Eclipse,

by fits and starts
dreaming of times
i felt the warm, yellow strips,
glow on my face.

dear Sun,
if only you knew
i never meant to hurt you,
if only you knew
what i felt back then.
because feeling the dark
slowly creep in,
sensing the Sun
set back in,

i set off first.

and for the rest of the night,
i talked with the Moon.

the darkness wasn't new.

i left, when i knew i'd
be stranded in the dusk.
so i chose not to walk on that line,
but to simply indulge myself
into the night.

i left,
not you,
never you.
i escaped from the clouds
that were threatening
to drench me in poisonous raindrops,
i escaped,
knowing you'd eventually
turn off your light.

and so,
the mute silence
dropped the curtain itself.
it is made out of iron,
and i cannot lift it alone.
the Sun cannot get through.

if only Sun knew,
i never wished to leave you.

but the Sun would leave first,
this is something i just knew.

like a survival instinct
screaming i'll get burnt.

and eventually,
when the Sun left, or when
i left the Sun,
different emotions
would pass me through.

what i may be myself,
is this dark side of the Moon.

today, i give up,
for the last time,
like a shadow that evaporates
in front of a strong light,
and i am letting go.

today, i'll just hope
the Sun will remember
how special she is
and wish for the Sun
to finally be filled
with unwavering joy,
even if that may be
just wishful thinking.

the Moon at least loves me,
here in the gloom,
but i can't expect this out of a Sun;
"but you did not follow me
into the dark."

constant aching in my chest
and i can't seem to help it
constant pain, physically felt
brought from the inside of my head
days feel long, days feel short
it's a sand hourglass constantly twisted
but each of them brings pain,
indecisiveness;
each of them is always
the same
in the unique,
painful
way

You break.
He's the reason.
You fall apart.
And that's okay.

Now you're stronger than ever, you have learned on your mistakes and your weak points.

Now let him know that you've woken up the side of you which is uncatchable, the liquid flame which blossoms in the desire to devour anything you want it to, that you have asserted utter harmony with the knowledge of what are you capable of.

Now, you're strong.
After breaking and rising from the dust, who could stop you now?

Now let him know.

hate me
for i deserve no good,
for i do my best;
but it is also my worst.

hate me,
leave me brokenhearted
with pain and apathy
and with just a stranger's number on my phone

once, it was your number
and all of my comfort and my heart;
i didn't know things would fall apart
once you were gone...

hate me
then you'll know
what being me
truly feels like

hate me
because now a stranger
uses your number
and if I called you
i knew i could never hear your voice

The only thing known to me is,
I need her.

I've been lost
I had wandered some places
No man wanted to hear about
Oh, and I've sinned
Gave my soul to the devil...

But, my devil was
In a black cocktail dress
Untamed hair falling across her back
Diabolic sparks in her eyes
I knew one thing.
She had to be mine.

Listen to my tale, and
Don't do the things I've done
Committed crimes
Against myself,
Against love.

There was this thing
About her, that drove me crazy
She was stubborn, yet gorgeous
Beautifully catastrophical
She really was a daughter
Of a man with an ancient lamp
From the myths and legends,
The fallen angel who brings the light.

She once told me:
"Count your sins, and add up
Your own very flaws
And look at the skies.
One star for a sin of yours,
One for a bad act
One for your flaws
But the stars still shine bright
Because they don't care
What've you done.
Immerse out of your nightmare
Because everything you held true
Is a pure lie.
You don't have to be perfect
Because, look up and tell me
Does one star make
Such a big difference?"

She embraced me
And I embraced her
Pressed my lips against hers
As she pulled out the worst in me.
She was a rebel,
She was out of line,
She was stubborn and direct
Purely fierce.
Oh, but I wished she was.

No man should survive
The living collapse of Heaven and Hell
But
Should I quit from her, my soul
Will be soon dead

If I tear her apart from me,
I won't last long.
Oh, what a sin of yours
That you've given your soul to the devil

I can't help but remember her eyes
Following me silently
My heart hurts when she's not around
I'm addicted to that
One thing she has

starless night
in disguise,
no sunrise
endless dark

The borderline of chaos, the imaginary bliss of hell.
I sit in my garden with the wind speaking in my ear, ever so softly;
The leaves are waving and dancing on the wind, following an endless masquerade.
And I am a part of it as well - the mask
I'm wearing grew in on my face, and
I can't seem to take it off.
Just like them, I'm following the seemingly meaningless parade.

The sun has hit low bottom and the day is no more, all to be seen is the flashback of the better days,
with the same orange sky.
Sitting under the same tree.
Yet with every second, the leaves are closer to crumbling and stumbling across an obstacle.
But not you.
You've already hit rock bottom.
And your end is coming near.
But for the first time, after so many tries because you've been convinced otherwise, you catch a glimpse of something.
A light in this melancholy and agony.
The end is near, yet there is more to come.
For you, you've tried your best.

And it's the only thing that ever counts.

||             look at me!,      ||
i playfully scream,
                                    balancing at the edge
||     of the rusty rails     ||
used only by ghosts
of trains, and of
people

the cliff                                          
||       turns gravity        ||
to pull me closer,        
into a                                            hug
||    i've always wanted,     ||
like a good parent
after praising his son

the call twists my
                                brain
insides                 ­               
pulling me          
closer          
                             to the cliff,

and i wander,
and i wonder,
and i
||        s c r e a m      ||
and i wish
i could
cry.

||                          ||
the rails are
closing in,
i don't have
much time

to write what i say,
                        || and sa||y what i write
i wish someone
could love me
now.

|n|ow|,|
not even the
rails
want me,
i fall
into the void,
now,
i     di         ||e||                  ▫️

"You look familiar",
a whisper said.
I turned around
And your saturation hit me
like never before, your
Blessed light, intensity;
Misty fog and a smile
I recognized your face
Of course, I always would
Ran over to hug you but
An arm suddenly grabs
My shoulder, a tight
and dark grasp; and
it's owner
Says:

"Little one, you do
Not belong here, now.
So why don't you
Come with me, where
You belong?"

Never have I ever
Belonged anywhere, and I
Just wanted to be
In your arms

And suddenly, I realise;
You are dead.
As dead as it gets.
And I couldn't go on
Without you, so now...
Now I believe the tales,
Now it's my turn to go
Now I see that
You belong
Here.

And I?
I realised.

He said I belong to that one place
Where people go, according
To these tales
When they miss
Someone too much
And do the sin.

The deep underground.

And I realised,
A few decades couldn't
Measure with
Never seeing
you again.

And despite all, I
Ask myself, will I
Ever belong?

i am a sword
that acts as a shield
and, thus, falls apart.

"Everyone's a protagonist of their own
story. That's what I thought", he said,
turning to face me:

"Until I met you.
Deliberately ruining
everything you succeed in.
Making destruction of yourself be art.
And allowing nobody else to learn it."

Unprompted,
he kept walking towards me.
After a few steps,
he stopped in his tracks.

"Are you not tired...

...of being the villain,
in your own story?"

I left out a single sigh,
and turned around.
Then I kept doing
what
I do best,

And stabbed myself in the heart.

i write empty words
with a lot of emotions in me;
hidden meaning only i see.
it's the only place where i can hide
from the slick voice that
makes me leave others behind.
the voice, it says
it's just my nature
but i'm not so sure,
though it can feel like home;
i'm not so sure,
i want to hurt anymore.

the ground is shaking.
a needle pierced my heart.
my lungs are ripped, too.
bleeding through the holes.
bleeding out of my mouth.
bleeding out, i'm bleeding out.

please, don't make a sound
as i lie on the ground
because everything familiar
is now disappearing
and i'm left like a stray dog
here, on this shaky ground.

the ground is shaking.
the earth is trembling.
the ground is shaky.
the earth is heavy.

don't leave me alone
in this pool of tears
as my world burns down,
as my temple for you
crashes down.

I thought he was perfect.
He's got the cutest smile, a handsome face; yet not too hot so other girls would steal him.
Smart, aces the exams without studying, too.

Clever, cute, loyal to death and loves me, too.
What more could I possibly ever wish for?

The thin layer of sweat covers his body, glittering in the last dusk's breath.
Sparkles of silver are in his eyes, as if God himself got down on Earth to pour galaxies in his wooden eyes, which are prospecting me.

So, what's the missing puzzle?
You love him, don't you?

Then look at you.

Gazing at the reflection in the mirror, quietly standing.
I look at the dark circles under my eyes which are expanding, following my nose line by the parallel.

Then I look at my nose which I've always hated; the uneven line, like the messy sea in sky's rage.

Then I look at myself.

And I rage, too.

So where's the missing puzzle?
Why does he care?
Why do I?
Ah, youth - well you wore me thin,
And, by the skin of I teeth I'd almost felt something.

So there's the missing puzzle.
Me.

I even showed him how I look without makeup. I showed him my madness and my crazyness which would shoo any man away.
Why's he here?

I'm not perfect like him.
And I can't stand, oh, I can't stand the pressure.
I look at my curvy body and stretch marks, lining my legs and showing me my fight with life I'd quit from for another reason.

Why me?

And now,
The mirror's smudged with blood
And I'm sitting on a lonely chair,
A lonely soul, in a lonely room,
With a lonely mind in this lonely world.

I don't know love no more.
How could I?
I take out the mirror bits from out of my fist, silently observing.

Then I look at me.

The face of a disappointed warrior with a long past of fighting her own life,
And it might seem dramatic to you,
But I've had a lot of things on my mind
Which you wouldn't find on the normal silver plate.

I'm not perfect, nor I plan to be.
I see through the lies caused by the love veil, and I choosed to rip it off, but it's not falling down.

And I'm afraid,
I'm afraid if I stay;
When will he
Take it
Off?