claws tore my heart apart
and it's aching, it's bleeding out

were they my own claws,
a lioness awoke? finally again
learning how to crawl?
or was it you,
who ripped it apart
guided by misty eyes,
blurred to the edges of the Earth?

how do i go on,
or do i drop dead on the floor?
how does such a gaping wound
ever live to be safely cocooned again?

my chest is burning,
and every step hurts
yet you ask me to put this
blade, right through my heart
what the hell did i ever do to you?

will i ever be enough?

what a big writer you are,
with tears serving you as ink
in the end, always
leaving nothing behind

||             look at me!,      ||
i playfully scream,
                                    balancing at the edge
||     of the rusty rails     ||
used only by ghosts
of trains, and of
people

the cliff                                          
||       turns gravity        ||
to pull me closer,        
into a                                            hug
||    i've always wanted,     ||
like a good parent
after praising his son

the call twists my
                                brain
insides                 ­               
pulling me          
closer          
                             to the cliff,

and i wander,
and i wonder,
and i
||        s c r e a m      ||
and i wish
i could
cry.

||                          ||
the rails are
closing in,
i don't have
much time

to write what i say,
                        || and sa||y what i write
i wish someone
could love me
now.

|n|ow|,|
not even the
rails
want me,
i fall
into the void,
now,
i     di         ||e||                  ▫️

hello, dear Sun,
with the ever bright smile,
the Sun that seems I left behind,
the Sun that appears in my mind.

the Sun was always beautiful
and it's warmth was like no other;
it made everyone's day brighter,

if only she herself could feel joy.

i read the Sun's letter
and the wishes on the book she got me,
time and time again,
hoping, for once,
the Sun would feel some
of her very own, warm rays of light.

and so, very well,
if the Sun wishes to leave,
i will gladly go blind
watching the Eclipse,

by fits and starts
dreaming of times
i felt the warm, yellow strips,
glow on my face.

dear Sun,
if only you knew
i never meant to hurt you,
if only you knew
what i felt back then.
because feeling the dark
slowly creep in,
sensing the Sun
set back in,

i set off first.

and for the rest of the night,
i talked with the Moon.

the darkness wasn't new.

i left, when i knew i'd
be stranded in the dusk.
so i chose not to walk on that line,
but to simply indulge myself
into the night.

i left,
not you,
never you.
i escaped from the clouds
that were threatening
to drench me in poisonous raindrops,
i escaped,
knowing you'd eventually
turn off your light.

and so,
the mute silence
dropped the curtain itself.
it is made out of iron,
and i cannot lift it alone.
the Sun cannot get through.

if only Sun knew,
i never wished to leave you.

but the Sun would leave first,
this is something i just knew.

like a survival instinct
screaming i'll get burnt.

and eventually,
when the Sun left, or when
i left the Sun,
different emotions
would pass me through.

what i may be myself,
is this dark side of the Moon.

today, i give up,
for the last time,
like a shadow that evaporates
in front of a strong light,
and i am letting go.

today, i'll just hope
the Sun will remember
how special she is
and wish for the Sun
to finally be filled
with unwavering joy,
even if that may be
just wishful thinking.

the Moon at least loves me,
here in the gloom,
but i can't expect this out of a Sun;
"but you did not follow me
into the dark."

a puff of breath
slips into the cold air
while i sit on the ground.
i try to restart my heart.
i hope, when the sun
hits the clouds once again,
i can be kinder,
this next day.

in this land of supplements,
you are the only certainty,
the original, pure essence
that can satisfy my lust.
no amount of medication
can cure me like you do,
no amount of drugs
could make me as happy as you do.
you take my lust and need for happiness
and shape it into something called life,
a life i can live,
the one i can be sure i want to live.
is this what will ultimately shape me?
or will my black void prevail?
or are you the black hole,
which swallows me whole,
and leads to something else?
when you hold my hand
i no longer fear death;
i fear for you,
and try to find ways
to satisfy you.
do i satisfy you?
or will you leave?
will the swinging make you seasick?
or will you dance in the strong wind?
or will i drown, while you drift away?
if i drown, would you still save me?
if i drown,
will you still miss this body of mine
my shell on earth
that i hate so much?
will you miss my soul,
like i would miss yours?
like i miss your body right now?
i know all of the answers,
you are as certain as time,
constant and continuous,
and your love is as comforting as life,
so i hope you know how much i love you
through this messy head of mine,
where my thoughts are escaping
and i feel ill
and i drive people away
but i hope you stay.

i am a sword
that acts as a shield
and, thus, falls apart.

i write empty words
with a lot of emotions in me;
hidden meaning only i see.
it's the only place where i can hide
from the slick voice that
makes me leave others behind.
the voice, it says
it's just my nature
but i'm not so sure,
though it can feel like home;
i'm not so sure,
i want to hurt anymore.

"Everyone's a protagonist of their own
story. That's what I thought", he said,
turning to face me:

"Until I met you.
Deliberately ruining
everything you succeed in.
Making destruction of yourself be art.
And allowing nobody else to learn it."

Unprompted,
he kept walking towards me.
After a few steps,
he stopped in his tracks.

"Are you not tired...

...of being the villain,
in your own story?"

I left out a single sigh,
and turned around.
Then I kept doing
what
I do best,

And stabbed myself in the heart.

hold my hand
and even if it
falls apart,
just know;
you'll assemble me anew.
the world is ours to pursue.

tonight, your aura shines
the moon enhances your light
and our love gets intertwined;
your gasps fill my lungs with awe
as you lay there, more beautiful than ever
to your angelic energy, i surrender
even though i may be the devil

maybe i am mourning my own death;
perhaps i've been dying for far too long

the ground is shaking.
a needle pierced my heart.
my lungs are ripped, too.
bleeding through the holes.
bleeding out of my mouth.
bleeding out, i'm bleeding out.

please, don't make a sound
as i lie on the ground
because everything familiar
is now disappearing
and i'm left like a stray dog
here, on this shaky ground.

the ground is shaking.
the earth is trembling.
the ground is shaky.
the earth is heavy.

don't leave me alone
in this pool of tears
as my world burns down,
as my temple for you
crashes down.

fingers crossed
& eyes blessed;
your sweet melody
puts me to rest.

you took the
water, out of my lungs,
grabbed my hand,
and pulled me ashore.

i wanted to drown
but now i'm just drawn
to someone amazing like you,
&
why you like me, i've no clue.

maybe there is hope
for a lowlife like me;
maybe i can steal
some of your love,
for a coward like me.

perhaps you're the only one
to make me feel alive
perhaps i like this unusual sensation
even when he's just
holding my face in his palms.

maybe magic's real?
or is it just a fantasy?
whatever it be,
i keep my fingers crossed
for this never-ending dream.

i am lost
and
shattered
amongst
memories