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3.6k · Aug 2018
Helpless
Lexi Aug 2018
Looking in the mirror is like a death wish
A glimor of hope before the horrid thoughts cime floading in
Screaming at the top of their lungs.
And the tears rush to the surface as I pinch my skin
Grabbing it tight
Pulling at it with all my might
Wishing
Wanting for it all to dissapear just like myself
As i slowly turn and turn that small glimor of hope gone
Flushed away by the rotton words that captivate my body
Screamimg for me to

                     "STOP EATING"

I walk away woth a heavy heart sinking down to the lowest part of me
Hiding away frim anyone
Ignoring every word spoken to me.

My mind
My body
My whole being has been captured by those fithly words and throughts which are tormenting me and eating me alive
Without a word
Or
A thought i move on frim the plate of fruit and the bowl of chocolates
Swinging with a heart heavy,
Yet filled with nothing

I act like it has no effect on me
Like it doesnt hurt at all
Everyday every glance at the hated mirror that only lies
801 · Nov 2017
Untitled
Lexi Nov 2017
YOUR A **** UP

Disappointed.
Failure.
Hatred.
Unlovable.
Stupid.
Immature.
D­isgraceful.
**** UP.

There isn't any way around it. You are such a **** UP.
You ruined everything. Nothing is savable.
Where did you go so wrong?
How did you get caught?
******* it you stupid girl. Wake Up.
YOUR NOTHING.
You ****** up, now you must pay the consequences.
Whatever they may be.
562 · Oct 2017
ME
Lexi Oct 2017
ME
Held to the bottom
I want to release this numb feeling
To fee this emptiness
I want to defeat this memory
These unyielding ideas and stories.
I want to hit it down and strangle this life
I want to hold it down under the thick mud beneath my feet
I want to watch it take its last breath
To watch the insane life wither out of its eyes.
I want to **** it
I want to ****
Me.
If only i knew the truth.
If only i could tell you the truth.
I will destroy ME.
505 · Nov 2017
Ashamed. Of. Me. Myself.
Lexi Nov 2017
A shamed of who i am.
A shamed of what i am doing.
And horrified of what i have become.
It started as a hunger for anything.
A wish for that depth within something.
But slowly that desire i had is fading.
And -
The true glimpse of what i have started surrounds me.
The grip of reality and emotions plays loud in my hollow mind
It's hands devouring themselves around my already weak neck
Strangling this life i chose to live.
I thought it would end happily.
What I thought was wrong.
425 · Nov 2017
Mumma
Lexi Nov 2017
I'm sorry you had to spend time with me.
That you spent money on me
And effort with me. 
I'm sorry I fight with you
And lose my temper at you.
I'm sorry I ruied our relationship
And all we had.
Because now I live without you.
I live without the support of your hand
That hand I never truly had
The things I would do to have just one more moment of your love.
For you to look at me once more.
Mumma I am sorry.
I don't know how to say it anymore.
I♡U
383 · Nov 2017
Word's From 'Mother'
Lexi Nov 2017
If u have *** with him.
OR
Already are.
You'll ruin your relationship girl.
It won't last.
You'll have nothing to give him.
Nothing to offer down the track.
Your relationship will be cheap. Meaningless.
Give up girl.

He violated you.
Took something that wasn't his.
No mum
Mine was taken 11 years ago.
Age 7 by the man you loved.
No mum i gave it to him.
No mum i chose to give it to him.
My boyfriend.
The man i love.
Mother's word's to her daughter.
360 · Oct 2017
Forever
Lexi Oct 2017
Take me away
And hold me down
Do it again until i don't scream
Till my voice is broken
And my lungs are weak
Take me away
Wherever you go
Heaven or Hell
i want to go...
It killed inside
The touch
The force
But it might be my only way

Don't come close
Or i'll hate you forever,
BUT
Don't come close and,
i'll hate your for longer
disapproval, shame, guilt and the over whelming sense of nothing.
unworthy, disgrace.
i am weak.
348 · Oct 2017
My Depression
Lexi Oct 2017
Imagine something by your side
A haunting black abyss
It never leaves; it wants you dead
It will cease you to exist
Imagine it's your controller
The puppeteer with the strings
You have no soul; it ****** it dry
You're an angel without wings
Imagine its our only friend
A seeing eye into your core
You trust in it; it's all you know
You cannot remember a life before
Imagine it's your arch enemy
It disavows you to feel joy
It's your everything and your nothing
A nemesis you cannot destroy
Imagine being free of this entity
Where happiness is bound
But I don't dream of such things;
It's beyond my conception
I'm the lost and never found
348 · Oct 2017
My father's love
Lexi Oct 2017
Again
Again
And again,
I believed it could be true
I let my imagination take over my mind
Leading me astray from the realities of this life.
Cold and alone
I sit with my eyes filled with tears
Tears I caused from my silly ignorance.
Again
And again
I believed he might love me
Like a father should
But like always
I'm left there sitting alone, hands shaking
and eyes raw.
Unlovable and out of reach
He holds the keys to my happiness
He holds me captive without even realizing
But again
And again
I let him rule over me
Unable to get up
I chose to dream.
Can you love me dad ?
337 · Nov 2017
No love
Lexi Nov 2017
No one can love you no more.
No one could ever love you.
Just end the pain your in.
You've already ruined everything.
Every relationship.
Your family doesn't even love you.
Your friends won't care.
You'll finally for-fill your destiny.
There's no repairing the damaged.
There is no savior to love you.
Nor to save you.
Say GOODBYE.
I can't seem to breath anymore.
I really have ****** things up and there is not way back, nor is there forward.
It's time to say GOODBYE.
Lexi Dec 2017
Cut
Not the slicing of my arms
Or the deep flesh wouds i draw
But the cutting of relationships
Gone.
I was cut of
As cold as a winters night in the middle of a snow storm
There was no more -
Big sis, and baby girl.
There was nothing
But the odor of the burnt ashes that sat buried beneath our tongues.
Words that were yelled
Like the fire flys lighting the nigh sky, appearing rapidly and disappearing with only a small resemblance from the past.
Once free from our greedy and angered mouths
Nothing can be taken back
Nothing can be undone.
With those words you said
And my actions
You had cut me off
Telling me u loved me, but we were no more.
I yelled and cried
But you weren't coming back.
3 years.
We missed so much of each other's lives.
I, peering into yours through the gaps of the curtins you hung up.
And you looking down from your castle, only for a time wondering who i was.
Finally we had something.
But everyone pulled us down.
No one trusted you or believed you
No one loved u like i did.
I was the only one who stood there with you
Yes unable to help
But I was there.
3 years we had.
Now no more.
I can't go back to that 10yr old innocent baby girl.
You said goodbye
I said "I'm sorry."
But nothing i can do will reverse the actions.
Goodbye 'Big Sis' **
306 · Nov 2017
Nightmare
Lexi Nov 2017
I know you're there.
Lurking in the darkness of the night,
Cowering in the shadows, avoiding the light,
Crouched behind the curtain or hid beneath the bed,
Awaiting the chance to dive into my head.

I know you're there.
With your bloodshot eyes glowing, never showing,
Watching me with a hunger, all the while knowing
I fear you most when the daylight's gone,
With seemingly endless hours til morning's dawn.

I know you're there.
With your black heart pounding in your leathery chest,
Knowing too well I'll get no rest
As you prowl my room like a ghostly haunt,
I know it's my soul that you need and want.

I know you're there.
You demon from Hell. I know you can tell
My fears are growing and beginning to swell
Like a ticking time bomb about to explode.
You sit patiently with your evils to unload.

I know you're there.
You pitiless beast, ready to feed
On my every thought, on my every deed
I can feel you staring, glaring, carrying out your scheme
To enter my mind through an open dream.

I know you're there.
No noise you make as you devise a plan for my soul to take
Back to the land of the living dead before I awake.
I won't sleep, I won't close an eye
As soon as I do I know I'll die.

I know you're there.
I know you're there = your own nightmares
280 · Oct 2017
Normality
Lexi Oct 2017
I have friends
I have family
I have everything i need
But yet i do not feel forfilled
I feel alone and isolated
Though i talk to people everyday
I feel like a captured animal
Waiting to be slaughtered
But i am as free as a bird
Flying the streets
I know i am loved
But not my the one person that seems to hold my happiness and life in his hands
His memory and my taled lies eco inside my mind
Ring havick within my life
Strangling me of any form of  
'normality'
i wish i could have let it go. i wish i still could.
i can only wish.
278 · Oct 2017
Shhhh...
Lexi Oct 2017
The touch
The rub
The force
I was caged
I was hurt
But i let it happen
Telling lies to cover you up
So no one would hate you.

I let it happen
Even tho..
The stench
The thought
The force
It killed me inside
And now he's back
And he wants more
My guilty head
My ugly conscience
Tells me i must.

I let it happen.
Am i living in reality or LIES??
Where am i?
If only i knew the truth, then i could live.
273 · Dec 2017
Untitled
Lexi Dec 2017
You obliterate my central sun
And i hate and fear you for it
Every moment with you is fraught with my anxiety
Of failure and disappointment
To be who you want me to be
To say what you want me to say

You don't remember you have a daughter.
You never see my pain.
You see yourself.
266 · Oct 2017
Daddy's Girl
Lexi Oct 2017
I'm Daddy's little girl
I was Daddy's little girl
I let it happen
I let it get out of control
I didn't do a good enough job
And now he's gone
I was his little princess
But he found a queen
All i wanted was for it to continue
No matter how much it hurt
No matter the consequences
I'm his little princess
I'm Daddy's little girl.
I Hate You Therisia.
You Took Him From Me.
264 · Dec 2017
Life or Death
Lexi Dec 2017
I return to the cold hallways i once remained.    
I swallowed the tasteless pill of depression
And sunck deep with her warm embrace.
So far into the wasteland
Diving into the stark blinded sight i now see though.
I don't know how to get though my sadness
My pain
My unplaced love.

My ears cannot hear
My eyes can't see
My mouth cannot speak
And my mind cannot tell the truth.
How am i ment to continue on?
How can anyone.
But i do not chose death
Nor do i chose life.
How i feel over Christmas Day
Where i now remain.
In the depths of her arms.
263 · Nov 2017
Unloveable
Lexi Nov 2017
It is like

God must hate me

And after all

I have done

There's no way He could not.
256 · Nov 2017
Your lost.
Lexi Nov 2017
You will never be good enough
Everything you do or try will never lead to anything
but failure and disappointment.
Go ahead give it your best shot
Then slowly watch
everything
fall apart crumbling from your hands
pouring out onto the ground.
Your heart aching.
With no cure.
With no love.
Your lost.
243 · Oct 2017
White Lies
Lexi Oct 2017
Feed a fever, starve a cold
The whites of your nails
They show the lies
Steeped in stories held by the old
Believing in All That They Are Told
But now we see with the dawn of Questions
If you believed in the book,
A lie is no different to a slap across the face
Its time for these tales to be forsook
Don't let your candle blow out
They say
The evil is near
Our advice don't you flout
Dry your hair in cold
Or else you'll catch one of Death
Listen my child
And just do as your told
Big Sis
Back when i was her 'Baby Girl' but i lost that
235 · Dec 2017
Goodbye is forever.
Lexi Dec 2017
You can't have me in the good times and leave me when i need you the most.
I stood there by your side when you needed me.
I ****** you over one to many times Yes.
Leaving me isn't a big enough punishment.
That's saying goodbye forever.
Nothing but wasted love
231 · May 20
Untitled
Lexi May 20
I will watch my ways
and keep my tongue from the delights of this world.
I will put a muzzle on my mouth
as long as she dwells within.
Show me, my life's end
and the number of my days.
Each mans life is but a breath
man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro;
He bustles about, but only in vain.
Your invasion consumes me
You rebuke and discipline me
You **** every last breath out of me.
Slowly trapping me, until i become  no more.
Look away from me, that i may rejoice again
before i depart and am no more.
224 · Nov 2017
Walk
Lexi Nov 2017
You were doing so well
Better then before.
You could feel the pounds falling from your body.
-----------------------------------------------------------­
U ****** it up again!
Did you seriously think that your childish brain would let you eat whatever?
Not without regret!
Not without punishment.
Don't be such a foul.
U know better.
Don't let your wild imagination out,
Reality is were you live,
Not belong.
Get a grip girl.
You are nothing without me.
You feel nothing without me.
You can't live without me.
Remember that.
Now walk.
And don't stop.
Eating, a dialy nightmare.
136 · Jul 2019
Endldssly
Lexi Jul 2019
Blinded
Lame
And brain washed
Your love for me is everything
Your touch sends shivers down my spine
And your presence lingers endlessly...
123 · May 20
DAD
Lexi May 20
DAD
Father/Daughter
Half/Quarter
Split them apart
Break them apart
Stamp on them hard
Until they shatter
Beat them hard
And He can never hurt me again
Oh Father stomp on me again so i am no more
113 · May 20
Loneliness
Lexi May 20
Here's a little of what i see of society...


We continue in our loneliness, telling others how we hate it,
how much we want to change,
we cry every night praying to God that He will fill the emptiness inside of us;
bring someone along and take away out loneliness,
but DEEP DEEP inside our taunted we crave this so called loneliness,
this isolation we put ourselves in.  The waves of emotion hits us hard and with each they get STRONGER and STRONGER,
weakening our desperate bodies,
ripping our skin from off our backs.
We stand there.
Waiting for it to hit us, begging it to hit us harder.
To tare us apart.
This loneliness all will feel sometime on our line of string, will either be declined or welcomed with arms wide open.

We tell each other how much we despise of it, but yet we do not know the TRUTH.
111 · Nov 2017
Untitled
Lexi Nov 2017
Round and round we go
Like a cat chasing a mouse
But neither knowing who's who
Round and round we go
*** for tat on words that rapidly fire
No thought no worry in the heat of the moment
Hurtful harming words that can never be unspoken
Words that can **** dangling from our egear mouths
Both with our guard up
And gun ready to attack
We wait breathlessly for the other to slip up
Jumping at any opportunity at any cost we never stop.
Our petty minds don't stop till the other is dead.
On the floor barley breathing.
Thats when we all be remorseful.
When we will finally see the damage coursed.
But until then we continue our war
Waving the white flag
For only moments at a time. Screaming we're sorry
But never are we.
Begging the other to change.
And
For us to continue the way one wants.
But with both against any form for reconcile
Neither will change
Not even for a time.
Our heats and minds are set.
To a goal
To something either one of us doesn't know.
But we are concrete in our way,
our beliefs, and our 'goal.'
92 · May 20
Untitled
Lexi May 20
We are these hunger driven monsters
We are these broken vessels that consume our body
Our desperate conscious tells us the things we beg not to hear.

The wonder of the mind
So extraordinary
So powerful.
The thoughts that turn into reality and the so called endless time slips away to a close.
The life we dreamed of washes of with every breath we take and every step we make
We realize how unclear we really are
No plans or hacks that we believed we had for our lives truly let alone nearly comes close to ever becoming a reality.  

We are told once again the things we wished wouldn't be told.
83 · May 20
S O N G
Lexi May 20
"Behind   the   doors   of   Silence
I'm   the    tree    that's    never   Grown
I'm    the    prisoner    of   your    Pauses
I'm    the    ball    that's    never     Thrown
The   captive   of   your    Caution
There   is    ice     between    my    Teeth
I've    wandered    down    the    twisted     Way
Where    all     the     fences     Meet."

— The End —