I once drove a brand new car ,and lived in a nice apartment.
But now I'm dirt poor, and I live down by the lake in a tent.
I get angry because of people's attitudes.
People laugh at me because I eat dog food.
I eat it every day because it's cheap.
People laugh because they're creeps.
I started eating dog food because I saw David Letterman do it.
It looked mighty tasty when I saw him chew it.
I eat it at the beach, while riding on buses and subways, and at the park.
I'm getting worried because all of that dog food has started making me bark.
I've also started licking my ****, and fetching sticks.
When women see me eat dog food, it makes them sick.
If you're wondering if I'll quit, the answer is no.
I'll never stop eating dog food, I need my Alpo.
Please don't point and laugh at me, please don't be rude.
Everybody thinks that I'm a freak because I eat dog food.

He did drugs for many years and he finally had to pay.
Because of his drug use, he died one year ago today.
He overdosed last year and sadly, he could not survive.
If he would've had the courage to say no to drugs, he'd still be alive.
When he first started, he smoked *** and later did worse drugs like ****.
He grew up around the wrong kind of people and that caused his eventual death.
On June 3, 2019, his family and friends had to say goodbye.
If you also do drugs, stop it or you will also eventually die.

If I was a celebrity, I wouldn't want to be idolized.
You may think that is dumb and you may be surprised.
But God is the only one who deserves to be the people's idol.
Worshipping him isn't only the right thing to do, it's also vital.
If I was a celebrity who people idolize, I would ask them not to idolize me anymore.
God is the only one who should be idolized because in the end, he will be our savior.

When children disobey their parents, they may not know it's a sin.
If more children went to church, they might not disobey again.
Churches teach children to obey their parents, that's what they should understand.
Even though Jesus had imperfect parents, he obeyed their every command.
If I had children, I would take them to church every week.
I would teach them that God will always be there even when life is bleak.
If your children won't obey you, take them to church every Sunday.
That might make them have more respect, it might make them obey.

If video games were like crack, I would've been dead long ago.
If video games were like crack, I would be buried six feet below.
If video games were like crack, I would've overdosed and wouldn't be alive.
If video games were like crack, I wouldn't have been able to survive.
If video games were like crack, somebody would've had to call my next of kin.
If video games were like crack, I wouldn't have played video games ever again.
If video games were like crack, I would've been like a man who can't swim, I would've drowned.
If video games were like crack, my ex-wife would be happy because I'd no longer be around.

Many people won't have eternal lives because of the way they behave.
But people can live forever if they do good and have been saved.
If you haven't been saved by God, I suggest that you do it now.
Don't risk losing eternal life, it's something you shouldn't allow.
If you're a big sinner, you can turn things around and be good.
If you're wondering if you should be saved, you definitely should.
If you haven't been saved, ask God to save you.
I've been saved and I love God and that is true.

If you want to go to Heaven, Jesus is the only way.
If you haven't accepted Jesus, you should do it today.
If you want to go to Heaven, accept Jesus Christ as your savior.
If you ask Jesus to save you, it's something he will not ignore.
Jesus and his father both love you.
Non-religious people don't believe that even though it's true.
You're a sinner but Jesus still wants to save you.
Asking Jesus to save you is the right thing to do.
If you choose to put it off until tomorrow but die today, it will be too late.
Jesus wants you to enter God's Kingdom and that's why you shouldn't wait.
If you want to go to Heaven, Jesus is the only way to get there.
Accept Jesus today because both he and his father truly care.

Too many people don't believe in The Almighty God  anymore.
They don't believe in him, God is somebody who they ignore.
So many of today's people are non-religious, they believe that God isn't real.
But I know that he exists and if I were standing in front of him, I would kneel.

Many people are not living by God's rules, they want to have things their way.
People had better acknowledge The Lord and live by his rules or they will pay.
If you turn to God now, your life will be better than it ever has been before.
But many people must accept that he is real, God must stop being ignored.

Even though I'm a fan of the classic Doctor Who,
I must say that I'm not a fan of the new.
I wanted and tried to like the new Doctor Who show.
But if people ask me if I love it, the answer will be no.
I grew up watching the Doctor Who classics.
Unlike the new, I thought those episodes were fantastic.
If other people love the new Doctor Who, that is fine and dandy.
But if it comes on my screen, I'll lose my TV because I keep my shotgun handy.
Please don't ask me to like the new Doctor Who or I'll puke.
When it comes to the new Doctor Who, it's something I rebuke.

I killed a man just to get in the newspapers and on the Six O'Clock news.
I wanted to get noticed even though my freedom was something I'd lose.
I did it just for the publicity.
I wanted people to notice me.
Because of what I did, millions of people are outraged.
It sure did feel good to see my face on the front page.
Now I'm being tried and I'm facing jail.
That idiotic judge actually let me out on bail.
Killing that man was wrong but I'm not one bit sorry for what I've done.
But I am sorry because the victim's dad is going to **** me with his gun.

While I was driving a Monster Truck, I ran over Mister Ed.
I accidentally ran over that talking horse and now he's dead.
Mister Ed said "F* you" to me with his final breath.
Millions of people are upset because of his death.

That horse let out a smelly **** before he died.
When his owner saw what happened, he cried.
Wilbur Post called Peta and that got me in a lot of trouble.
I was sued and the only lawyer I could afford was Barney Rubble.

I lost the lawsuit because Barney is stupid because he's from the Stone Age.
When I couldn't pay Wilbur ten million bucks, the cops locked me in a cage.
Please listen to my advice or you may go to jail and your spouse will get a divorce.
If you ever drive a Monster Truck, you'd better not run over somebody's talking horse.

I laughed at Noah and his family as they built their ark.
I made fun of them until they were ready to embark.
But now the rain is really coming down.
Noah is safe and I am going to drown.
The water is getting higher and higher, it's already above my knees.
Because of ignorance and arrogance, everybody will die, including  me.
Noah did right in the eyes of God and survival will be his reward.
But I'm doomed because I didn't do right in the eyes of  The Lord.
Everybody is panicking because we are all terrified.
This fate could've been avoided, that can't be denied.
I could've been a better person but I didn't even try.
I'm hugging my family one last time before we die.
People were consumed by selfishness, greed and arrogance and it's a shame.
As we perish, we can't be angry at God because we only have ourselves to blame.

My wife and I both worked at a video game store.
They closed and we're not working there anymore.
They closed their doors because of this **** Coronavirus.
We're unemployed and no other businesses are willing to hire us.
We got out twelve hundred bucks from the Government but we had to pay a hospital bill.
We're in a sinking boat and it's going down fast, I wish that the Coronavirus wasn't real.
Our families and friends can't help us and we need cash.
I'm so desperate that I'm about to do something that's rash.
I need money because I'm out of a job.
I'm in a liquor store that I intend to rob.
I just pulled my gun on the owner and he has grabbed his gun as well.
He just shot me in the chest and in a moment, I'll be sent straight to Hell.
My wife will get my life insurance money because I'm going to cease to live.
Please talk to my wife on my behalf, please beg her to forgive.

Because I'm not wearing green on Saint Patrick's Day, a man gave me a pinch and I gave him a punch.
I hit that ***** so hard in the stomach that he lost his lunch.
About an hour ago, another man pinched me and I kicked him in the crotch.
He fell down and started crying like a two year old, he deserved what he got.
Nobody else had better pinch me for not wearing green.
I'll kick your **** if you pinch me because I'm very mean.

If I ever get married, I'll put God first instead of my wife.
God is our creator and he's the most important in my life.
If I ever get married, I'll stand by my wife for better or worse.
But she will always come second because I will put God first.

My neighbor died on April 8, 2021 and his name was Joe.
I learned about his death and I'm saddened to see him go.
He wasn't just my neighbor, he was also my friend.
It was sad when I learned that his life came to an end.
For the last year or two, he was staying at a nursing home and his house was empty.
I learned about his untimely and unfortunate death when I saw his obituary.
Joe was a welcome change from the people who formerly owned his house.
Joe moved next door in 1996 and a few years ago, he lost his beloved spouse.
Now he's in Heaven with his wife, both of them are in a better place.
Joe was my neighbor and friend and he was a credit to the human race.

When I went to Las Vegas, I lost all of my money and I also lost my wife's entire life savings.
I have no hair left on my body because she grabbed my electric razor and started shaving.
I told her to calm down and that she should be forgiving.
That really ****** her off and I'm lucky to still be living.
She said she was forgiving, she was for giving me a swift beating.
My jaw is wired shut and the doctor told me to forget about eating.
For only twenty-four hours, the Golden Corral was giving everybody a free buffet.
But I can't even eat one morsel of food, so I had to turn it down, I've seen better days.
My wife is so ferocious that if she was a dinosaur, she would be a T-Rex.
I learned something as she kicked my ***, she's not the weaker ***.
Her life savings came to a total of ninety grand.
She was my supervisor at work and I was canned.
She's so furious because of what I did that she's thinking about getting a divorce.
She sold my car to get some of her money back and I'm using a buggy and a horse.
I'm scared because of the angry and violent way that she has been behaving.
You'd better listen when I tell you not to gamble away your spouse's life savings.

I love Jesus but I love his father more.
I live to serve Jehovah, that's what I'm here for.
Jesus is fantastic but Jehovah God is far greater.
I loved God as a child and I still love him all these years later.
I wish that Jehovah could be somebody who everybody would love to discuss.
Even during bad times, Jehovah won't abandon people, he is always here for us.
I love Jesus but I love his father more.
Jesus is wonderful but God is superior.

Fall is my second favorite season of the year.
I love the Autumn as much as people love beer.
The leaves will change color and fall from the trees.
When it comes to the Autumn, it is sure to please.
Fall is a season that I really appreciate.
I love the Autumn because it's great.

There is something about me that people find hard to construe.
I'm only eleven years old even though I was born in 1972.
Because I was born on February the 29th, I only have a birthday once every four years.
I am the only eleven year old in my town who is able to legally vote and drink beer.
When people hear that I'm eleven, they send their kids to play with me but it's something they soon regret.
When the parents see me, they think I'm a bad influence because their kids see me drinking and smoking cigarettes.
But smoking has caused me some health problems that almost made me croak.
I'm the only eleven year old in the world who has had a heart attack and a stroke.

I'm a rich man but not financially.
I'm rich because God loves me.
I'm a rich man because God cares.
Everywhere I go, he's always there.
I'm a rich man because God will send Jesus to resurrect me.
God loves people so much that he will let us live for all eternity.

Even though my wife is somebody who I love and adore,
She decided not to let me touch or see her ***** anymore.
Every time I wanted to see or caress them, she said  no and I would cry.
She wouldn't let me anywhere near them and she told me the reason why.
She said that  I couldn't see or touch them because I'm poor.
She said that I could see and touch them if I got rich but not before.
But I've always been so poor that I'm destitute.
Last month, I decided to rob a bank to get the loot.
I was caught by the cops after they shot me in the ****.
I knew  that I would go to jail, I knew that I was licked.
After a doctor examined  me, he said that I can no longer father children and I'm depressed.
I'm sterile and I'll be spending many years in prison because of my wife's *******.

When I tell people that my name is Justin Bred,
they think that I'm a hick with no brain in my head.
Everybody who I know thinks that I'm married to my sister.
When they see us together, they ask why they've never seen me kiss her.
When people hear my name, they falsely accuse me of ******.
Because of this misunderstanding, my life has become a mess.
Women slap my face and they call me sick.
Everybody believes that I'm an ****** hick.
I'm sick of having to tell everybody that I'm Justin Bred, not just ******.
If you ask me how long I've been married to my sister, I'll cut off your head.

Some people don't like the fact that I have opinions to express.
Some people don't like it and that's what I'm going to address.
Certain people may want me to like what they like and to agree with their views.
But I'm not always going to see eye to eye with them or with you.
There is something that is important and it must be understood.
I won't agree with certain things just because I'm told that I should.
I'm my own person, there are certain things that I believe in and certain things that I dislike.
Everybody has the right to their opinions and if others say they don't, they can take a hike.

I learned that my ex wife was unfaithful when she gave birth to a baby who is black.
I was stunned and so infuriated at her that I came very close to giving her a smack.
My ex best friend is the baby's dad.
His betrayal really made me mad.
I should've realized what was going on but I was a fool.
I beat the hell out of him because what he did was cruel.
My ex begged me to forgive her and to help her raise the baby as my own.
I packed my things and walked out the door and now that ***** is all alone.
While she was pregnant, I was very happy because I thought the baby was mine.
That **** had a lot of nerve, she broke our wedding vows because she's a swine.
The love that I once felt for her was something I savored.
I was faithful to that witch but she didn't return the favor.
Infidelity is the one thing that I can't forgive.
I'll despise that woman for as long as I live.

When it comes to being thankful this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful to have The Lord.
When it comes to God being a part of our lives, there is no greater reward.
God is our creator and he helps people every day.
God will always be there for us and won't go away.
Without God, people would not exist, nobody would be living.
We should all be thankful to have The Lord this Thanksgiving.

She was 79 years old when she passed away.
She was my aunt and her name was Ina Mae.
When a relative passes away, it's always sad.
Ina Mae was the only blood aunt that I had.

She was special and she was Mom's only sister.
Many people loved her and many will miss her.
She was a wonderful lady and a loving mother.
She had a bond with her five kids who loved her.

She was a human being who can never be replaced.
She and mom are in Heaven which is a better place.
When she died in 2017, it was bleak.
Ina Mae was both special and unique.

Even though you've been dead for two years, I still miss you terribly.
While you were alive, I meant a lot to you and you meant a lot to me.
You were an excellent mother and that is certainly true.
When it came to having a mom, I was proud to have you.
I still miss you terribly even though it has been twenty-seven months since you died.
Yesterday I was feeling pretty sad about your death and I **** nearly cried.
But I am feeling some better than I did just one year before.
I still miss you terribly because you're not around anymore.

The fruit that Adam and Eve ate may not have been apples, it could've been oranges, bananas, peaches or pears.
Many people assume that it was apples but none of us know because we weren't there.
Adam and Eve were stupid, they chose to obey a serpent instead of The Lord.
Their punishment was banishment and losing eternal life, they lost their reward.
But whatever fruit it was, when Adam and Eve ate it, it became the world's first sin.
Adam and Eve's stupidity caused all of us to pay the price, it causes our lives to end.

I've been shot and my life is about to end.
I took a bullet to save my wife from her ex-boyfriend.
He regards her as a piece of his property.
What he intended to happen to her, happened to me.
The cops just arrested him and took him away.
He's a violent and crazy man and now he will pay.
I love my wife more than life itself and without her, I wouldn't have wanted to go on.
I don't regret taking the bullet for her even though I'll soon be gone.
She's holding my hand and she's crying.
It's tearing her apart because I'm dying.
Everything is getting dark and I feel so cold, I can hear the angels calling on me.
I regret that I'm going to lose the love of my life but one day she and I will be together for eternity.

It's important for people to please God and Jesus.
We should please them because they please us.
We can please them by being honest and not cheating, stealing, killing or lying.
We may fail when we attempt to do these things but that shouldn't stop us from trying.
The world is going to Hell in a hand basket, it's like a disease.
But if we try to do our best, God and Jesus will be pleased.

Talking to you was always a waste of time, you didn't listen at all.
Talking to you was worthless, it was like talking to a brick wall.
I showed you a movie about a young boy who took drugs and then drowned in the swimming pool.
I thought it would scare you into stopping your drug use but you laughed instead, that wasn't cool.
Many years ago when my brother was at your house when we were young,
you used something that made you cough up black stuff out of your lungs.
That should've showed you how bad and dangerous drugs are, it should've been a wake up call.
But you continued to do drugs, talking to you was a dumb idea, it was like talking to a brick wall.
You would use any drug  that people would give you if they said it would get you high.
You got your hands on the wrong stuff and your luck ran out, and it caused you to die.

Some people were upset and they said it was unfair.
George Bailey killed old man Potter and he went to the electric chair.
George discovered that the eight thousand was stolen by Potter.
George became enraged and he was angry enough to slaughter.
George went to Potter's house with his gun and he shot Potter through the heart.
As they strapped George to the electric chair, he knew his decision wasn't smart.
George refused to have his head shaven and his hair burst into flames.
Poor George truly became a hot head and he only had himself to blame.
George became a psychopath even though he used to be nice.
He decided it was best to **** Potter and sadly, he paid the price.

You think it's going to be your way or the highway but that's not how it's going to be.
You'd better change your way of thinking if you want to continue to be married to me.
You are not always going to get your way.
You'd better learn that if you want me to stay.
You need to learn that marriage is a two-way street, it's not a one-way street.
When it comes to our marriage, I'm not going to take a back seat.
You don't care about my dreams and desires, you think it's all about you.
If you don't change, I'll have this marriage annulled, that's what I'll do.
You've started laughing because you actually think I'm not serious.
When I talk about this problem, you think it's not worthy to discuss.
It won't be your way or the highway but that is something that I have failed to make clear.
I no longer want you for a wife so I'm going to pack my bags and get the hell out of here.

On November the 6th, I voted against Phil Bredesen.
Yesterday, I was pleased to learn that he didn't win.
I also voted against Bredesen once before.
Back in 2006, when he was Tennessee's Governor.
This time he was running to be Tennessee's Senator.
I didn't like how he did his job when he was Governor.
Now he's licking his wounds because he didn't win.
Many of Tennessee's residents voted against Bredesen.

Even though I've been helping you and working hard,
you won't give me a beer after I've mowed your yard.
I'm hot, sweaty and dying of thirst.
You've done some bad things but this is the worst.
When you asked for my help, I shouldn't have come here.
You offered me a glass of water but what I want is a beer.
You love your **** beer so much that you won't even give me one.
I would kick your *** up and down the street if you weren't my son.
I have something to say and you'd better listen to me.
Don't ever expect me to mow your yard again for free.

A man murdered his stepdaughter and framed me for the crime.
I was arrested and found guilty by a jury and I had to do hard time.
He blew his stepdaughter's head off because she refused to sleep with him.
He tried everything he could to get what he wanted but she wouldn't give in.
She was a good girl and she would not betray her own mother.
He murdered her in cold blood, that's how little he thought of her.
I was the gardener and I had a crush on the man's stepdaughter.
But he set me up, he made it look like I was the one who shot her.
He hid the ****** weapon in my apartment.
When the cops found it, jail was where I went.
While doing hard time, the thought of getting even kept me from coming unhinged.
The only thing that kept me going was knowing that I would eventually get revenge.
Getting revenge wasn't just something that I wanted, it was also something that I needed.
But that scumbag died just one month before my release, so when it came to getting revenge, I was cheated.
I wanted to torture that pervert and when he truly suffered, he would die by my hand.
I wanted him to beg for mercy he wouldn't receive and I truly wanted to **** that man.
I'm thinking about committing suicide because I was unable to make him pay.
How can I go on when my chance of getting revenge has been taking away?

When a man came at me with a knife,
I was forced to shoot and take his life.
It was self defense but I was still horrified by what I had done.
I would be dead and buried if I hadn't been carrying my gun.
But he said something right before he died.
After he said it, I was even more horrified.
He told me that my wife put him up to it.
She tried to have me killed but she blew it.
I found out why that she was able to convince that man to try to ****** me.
She was going to share the cash when she cashed in my life insurance policy.
She put him up to it but it was something I couldn't prove.
I divorced that witch after I packed my bags and moved.
She would've been on easy street if she had succeeded with her crime.
But she failed and because of the prenup, she didn't receive one dime.

A bunch of allegations have come out against Hillary Clinton but people still want her to be President anyway.
I've never heard anything so crazy in all of my born days.
I do not like Hillary or her spouse.
I do not want her in The White House.
If you want to vote for her, that's fine, that's your choice.
But I do not like the woman and that's what I plan to voice.
There is one thing that you can count on from me.
This November I will not vote for Hillary.

I won't pledge allegiance to the United States flag, I only pledge allegiance to God.
Certain people may think that is stupid, ridiculous and odd.
I will only pledge allegiance to The Almighty Lord.
When it comes to making it to the paradise, I'm on board.

I won't be home for Christmas even though I tried.
I won't be home because my parole was denied.
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't buy her a $20,000 ring.
I robbed a bank to get the money and my *** was in a sling.
This may be hard for you to believe.
I robbed that bank on Christmas Eve.
A policeman put a bullet in my *** when he fired a shot.
I couldn't sit down for weeks and 20 years was what I got.
True to her word, my wife did leave.
She abandoned her family on Christmas Eve.
My twenty year old son is a pervert, he wears ******* and bras.
And even though he's twenty, he still believes in Santa Claus.
He's been taking care of his younger siblings ever since I was put away.
But he's an alcoholic who will sell his siblings in order to get drunk on Christmas Day.
Before my wife packed her bags and left for good, she threw a hissy fit.
Now I realize that when it came to committing that crime, she wasn't worth it.

You hired me to be a cook at your restaurant.
I'll cook but I won't do everything you want.
When you said what you wanted, I said no.
I'll cook the food but I won't peel the potatoes.
I won't peel potatoes or anything else either.
Your daughter is accusing me of ****** harassment and you believe her.
The truth is that she desperately wants me to be her *** slave.
When I refuse, she becomes vindictive and she misbehaves.
She tore her dress and said that I attacked her.
I'd had all I could take so I finally smacked her.
I won't give in to her demands, if I have to, I'll take her to court.
She's the ugliest girl I've ever seen, her face is covered with warts.
Because I won't be her piece of ***, she tries to get me in hot water.
I won't peel your vegetables and I won't sleep with your ugly daughter.
When I got this job, I thought that I would love it.
But I've decided to quit, take this job and shove it.

You're moving in with your girlfriend and many people have congratulated you.
You've asked me to do the same but that is something I can't and won't do.
I won't congratulate you because you and your girlfriend will be living in sin.
I won't condone premarital ***, don't ask for my congratulations ever again.
Yes, I have old-fashioned morals that you consider to be out of date.
I won't congratulate you because you're doing something that God hates.

I won't watch anymore Disney movies because I don't like how Disney treats their fans.
They call us racist and sexist and I've had all that I can stand.
They call certain fans racist and sexist because we disliked The Last Jedi.
When it comes to losing fans, they have lost me, myself and I.
They call certain fans nasty names and I've had enough.
When I say that I'm through with Disney, it's no bluff.
Disney loves to blame their fans but they refuse to accept any blame.
Disney may lose a ton of fans if they keep calling us nasty names.

I was so scared that my hair turned gray.
All because I wore white after Labor Day.
I was scared that I **** nearly died of fright.
People became violent and I was forced to fight.
People were enraged just because I decided to wear white.
They kicked and punched me and some would even bite.
People kicked my *** on a regular basis and I had quite a scare.
I was so frightened that I constantly had to change underwear.
I got my share of bruises, broken bones and cuts.
An elderly woman even shoved her foot up my ****.
When it was all over, I was amazed that somebody didn't have to call my next of kin.
If I live to be a hundred, I swear that I'll never wear white after Labor Day again.

I got tired of being called a hillbilly from the sticks.
So I built a time machine and traveled back to 1776.
I intended to see the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
This was a fantastic historical moment that needed my attendance.
But my time machine landed on Thomas Jefferson before the document was written.
The document wouldn't exist that gave America independence from Great Britain.
I accidentally squashed Thomas Jefferson so it was left up to me.
I wrote the Declaration of independence so the USA could be free.
You may have noticed a few changes that I made.
One of which is that it's mandatory for me to get laid.
I proved that I'm not a hick who is slow.
I wrote the Declaration of Independence nearly two and a half centuries ago.

He died 25 years ago today, which is a quarter of a century.
He produced 'Never Say Never Again' with Sean Connery.
He was born in 1932 and was a man who people would admire.
First he was married to Judith Deborah Feldman and then to Talia Shire.
He was the executive producer of 'Rad' and 'I Am The Cheese'.
When he produced movies, they were certainly sure to please.

It was a sad day in 1993 when you went to be with your maker.
You starred with William Hartnell and years later, you starred with Tom Baker.
You starred in seventeen episodes of Doctor Who.
The show became a success partly because of you.
Doctor Who was a fascinating show that was scary.
Millions of people were devastated when you died on the 18th of February.

When you were dead in Firecreek, it looked real.
That was brilliant acting and it took a lot of skill.
But sadly, now you're also dead in real life.
It has devastated your kids and your wife.

You were rich and famous but it didn't make you become a snob.
Everything you touched turned to gold, you always did a good job.
You were Jim Lindsey, Jeff Myrtlebank and Rosco Coltrane too.
Now you're in Heaven with Uncle Jesse, Boss Hogg and Lulu.

My neighbor's wife is battling cancer and she needs your prayers.
Please show her that you want her to get better, please show that you care.
Her name is Jane Webb and she's undergoing chemotherapy.
She needs prayers from you and she needs prayers from me.