You were diagnosed with Leukemia and sadly, you didn't survive.
If you hadn't died 111 months ago, today you would've turned 75.
You were born on October the 18th of 1947.
But 111 months ago, you went to Heaven.
Your hair grew back after chemotherapy made it fall out.
When you were told you would die, there was no doubt.
It must have been terrifying when you learned that you were terminally ill.
You had to battle cancer and it was not easy to go through such an ordeal.
Today would've been your 75th birthday.
But 111 months ago, you were taken away.

Something happened eleven years ago that was sad.
After he battled Leukemia for many months, I lost Dad.
I thought he'd live longer but he died at the age of sixty-five.
He took chemotherapy for over 18 months but he could no longer survive.
When he died, I had to say goodbye.
I lost him in 2013 on the 13th of July.
Dad couldn't beat Leukemia even though he tried.
It was terrible because 11 years ago today, he died.

I agreed to do a lot of yard work for a man for 125 bucks.
I did the work but when I asked for the money, he said that I was ******.
Before he slammed the door in my face, he gave me the bird.
I'd never seen such behavior before, it was absolutely absurd.
To get even, I cut down two trees and they fell on his house and fractured his roof.
When he confronted me, I knocked his teeth out, he doesn't even have one tooth.
I'm a bad man when I get ******, people will pay me what they owe.
If I work for you and you don't pay, the hospital is where you will go.

Let me tell you about the best year of the 20th Century, a year that was great.
It was the year when my mom was born and that year was 1948.
That was the greatest year of the 20th Century, that's how I feel.
1948 was great but 2013 ****** because of a terrible ordeal.
2013 was a terrible year because that was when Mom died.
After she perished in the hospital, I came home and cried.
Please listen to this advice, don't ever take your mom for granted, she's somebody who you should always appreciate.
If I live to be a hundred, I will not change my opinion, I believe that the greatest year of the 20th Century was 1948.

I want to go to a time when things were great.
I wish that I could travel back in time to 1978.
I'd like to revisit the seventies because I loved that decade.
Back then, 8 Track tapes and records were still being played.
Songs were clean back then, now they're littered with the F word.
In 1978, music meant something and vulgarity wasn't what we heard.
40 years ago, we had no smart phones and no High Definition TV.
But landline phones and standard definition are just fine with me.
Video games ****** back then but I could live with an Atari.
If I could revisit 1978, I dojn't think that I would be sorry.

It hasn't been the worst or best year that I've seen.
Tonight at 12 A.M., It will be the end of 2017.
The year 2018 will soon be here.
It will be the beginning of a new year.
I hope people will do better, I hope there will be less sin.
I hope that humanity will improve as the year 2018 begins.

Last night we said goodbye to 2022.
Out with the old and in with the new.
The new year is here at last.
2022 is a thing of the past.
I hope that 2023 will be a terrific year.
And when I say that, I'm being sincere.
I hope the new year will bring happiness and prosperity.
We said goodbye to 2022 and we're saying hello to 2023.

It has been 243 years since the Declaration of Independence has been signed.
It was signed nearly two and a half centuries ago, that's a very long time.
The Declaration of Independence was written 243 years ago.
At the time, the USA only had 13 states, it would continue to grow.
We celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence on the 4th of July.
People shoot off fireworks because July 4, 1776 was a day that Americans glorify.

Noah and his family were the only people on Earth who were doing right.
So God caused a flood that killed everybody in 40 days and 40 nights.
All of the people on Earth were evil, it was a time that was dark.
Noah and his family were spared when God told them to build an ark.

God told Noah to take two of every animal so that all species would survive.
When the flood was over, Noah and his family were the only people who were alive.
It probably wasn't an easy decision when God decided to **** all of those women and men.
He gave us the rainbow which is a promise that he'll never do it again.

Today my Chihuahua and I celebrate our 4th anniversary.
But something happened two weeks ago that was scary.
I had to rush my dog to the vet because she was sick.
She almost died because she was paralyzed by a tick.
She couldn't move or eat and I was scared she would die.
I was afraid that I would end up having to say goodbye.
She got better after people prayed and there is one thing that I understand.
I'm celebrating my 4th anniversary with a wonderful dog and I'm a lucky man.

I expected to be a millionaire or at least that was what I thought.
I killed a homeless man to get the lottery ticket that he bought.
When I demanded that he give me his lottery ticket, he refused to give it.
I stabbed him with my knife and I foolishly thought I would get away with it.
After I cashed in the lottery ticket, I received fifty million bucks.
But the Police traced the knife back to me and I was out of luck.
When I took that poor man's life, I stood there and watched him bleed.
I wouldn't be in jail and he'd still be alive if it hadn't been for my greed.
Please don't be greedy like I was because it's a terrible sin.
Because of my greed, I'll never see the light of day again.

When it came to my existence, you and Mom were my creators.
But Mom died in March of 2013 and you died four months later.
When you died, you joined Mom in Heaven.
You were brought into this world 72 years ago today in 1947.
But I'm sorry to have to say that you and Mom aren't with us anymore.
I didn't want to believe it when the doctor said that you were done for.
I remember thinking that now I have no parents on the night when you died.
You were born 72 years ago today but your life ended in 2013 on the 13th of July.

During your life, you had three wives and three children.
It's sad because your family is feeling so much pain within.
A long time ago you served in the United States Army Airforces.
It's also sad because a couple of your marriages ended in divorces.
Besides being an actor, you were also an acting coach, College Professor, a musician and an artist.
You guest-starred nearly three hundred times in numerous Television shows and you will be missed.

My neighbor is a responsible drinker, he won't drink and drive.
If other people were as smart as him, many people would still be alive.
Joe will not drive a vehicle if he has been drinking.
That is responsible behavior and it's also good thinking.
If you're about to drink and drive, remember Joe because he's an inspiration.
Driving while intoxicated is very dangerous and that is not an exaggeration.

Robert Vaughn was married for forty-two years and had two children.
He starred in many movies and TV shows and he stood five feet ten.
He was the proud father of a daughter and a son.
When he died, he was surrounded by loved ones.
He died of Leukemia which is the same kind of cancer that took my dad.
Vaughn was loved by many people and his death has made everybody feel sad.
He was asked to run against Ronald Reagan for Governor but he declined.
Vaughn was an extraordinary actor and he was also a credit to Mankind.

When it comes to forgiveness, you won't forgive, you won't budge.
You truly hate my guts and you sure do know how to hold a grudge.
I did you wrong but you did me wrong too.
But forgiving me is something you won't do.
I'll admit that I made mistakes but when it comes to admitting yours, you won't.
I wanted to make up with you but after seeing how much you hate me, I don't.
If there's ever a grudge holding contest, I know that you'll win first place.
You hate me and because of that, I hope we never meet again face to face.
I wish that you didn't hate me but sadly, it's true.
You want nothing to do with me and because you hate me, I want nothing else to do with you.

My nephew is making me play a different version of hide and seek.
This version involves a gun, if he finds me, things will become bleak.
In this version, if a player is found, he is killed.
I'm scared out of my wits, I'm sure not thrilled.

He said if I didn't play the game, he'd **** me on the spot.
He's trying to find where I'm hid but I hope he can not.
He is a twisted and totally evil child.
His parents have never disciplined him and he's running wild.

My nephew just found and shot me, I have a bullet in my chest.
My life is flashing before my eyes and soon I'll be laid to rest.
My wife and kids will be devastated when they learn that I bought the farm.
This evil little child needs to be killed or locked up before he can do more harm.

When it came to that dog's heart, his owner's death sure did break it.
He lost his master and his best friend and he simply couldn't take it.
He stayed at his owner's grave and he would continuously howl.
When I tried to move him, he snapped at me and he would growl.
I gave him food but he wouldn't eat and he starved to death.
He couldn't live without his owner and he took his final breath.
A veterinarian tried to help the dog but he growled and snapped at him too.
The vet wanted to save the dog's life but sadly, there was nothing he could do.
The dog was miserable and he was determined to die.
The vet and I couldn't save his life but we sure did try.
Now that dog is with his master in Heaven above.
He couldn't go on because he lost the human who he loved.

A man has cancer and he has been given only six months to live.
Years ago, he did a man wrong and the parents and siblings are refusing to forgive.
He became angry because he lost at checkers and he evicted that poor man.
Even though he wants them to forgive, he said if they can't, he'll understand.
He evicted the man that day in January and the poor man froze to death.
When he decided to throw him out, it caused that man to draw his last breath.
The landlord felt remorse when he learned that the man died.
The guilt devoured him and he thought about committing suicide.
He screamed "WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"
He went to his closet and got his gun.
He put the gun barrel in his mouth but didn't have the guts to pull the trigger.
Those people will carry their grudge to their graves because they're so bitter.
Those people refuse to forgive, they won't even try.
I just hope they can forgive themselves when he dies.

A maniac has kidnapped me and he's holding a gun to my head.
He's forcing me to watch the new Doctor Who but I'd rather be dead.
I can't stand the new Doctor Who TV show, why is he doing this to me?
This is a fate worse than death, I want him to put me out of my misery.

I can't stand the political correctness of the new Doctor Who.
I'm begging him to pull the trigger, that would be the kinder thing to do.
I like the new Doctor Who as much as Jerry Seinfeld likes Newman.
Forcing me to watch these episodes is cruel, it's positively inhuman.

If I watch much more of the new Doctor Who, I swear I'll be driven insane.
I can't believe what this ****** is doing to me, how can he be so inhumane?
I loved the classic Doctor Who but forcing me to watch the new is sick behavior.
I want him to pull the trigger and end my life, he would be doing me a favor.

Agnes is an Applehead Chihuahua, that's her breed.
She is my canine who I show affection to and feed.
I recently learned that she's four years old, I thought she was a little older.
From time to time Agnes becomes hateful and I have to scold her.
But she's a beautiful dog who I think the world of.
For the rest of her life, she's an animal who I'll love.

All Hell broke loose when my friend stole my winning lottery ticket.
He collected twenty million dollars and I told him where to stick it.
But when my wife ran off with him, it was the last straw.
He was going to pay even though I had to break the law.
I owed a lot of money and that lottery ticket would've gotten me out of debt.
I found out where he moved to and I put two bullets in his head as he slept.
The gunshots woke up my wife and she said she was going to call the police.
I'd been consumed by rage as I pulled the trigger and now she's also deceased.
I'm in jail now and the other prisoners fear me, I make them all cringe.
My friend and my slutty wife ruined my life but at least I got revenge.

Yesterday, I ordered a pizza and washed my hands and then I had a fit.
When I came to the table, I saw that my family was eating all of it.
They grabbed the entire pizza, they didn't even leave me one slice.
That was inconsiderate of my family, it certainly wasn't nice.
Today, I ordered a pizza with anchovies which my entire family hates.
They wouldn't touch the pizza and they thought what I did wasn't great.
They were all angry because they didn't get their meal.
So I told the jerks that now they know how I feel.

One day Barney Fife was practicing his quick draw.
He accidentally shot Thelma Lou, he broke the law.
Andy had no choice but to put Barney in jail.
But Andy let Barney out when he said he had a crop of marijuana to sell.
Barney offered Andy a fifty-fifty deal.
But Andy wanted it all, he decided to steal.
He shot poor Barney and dumped his body in Myers Lake.
Andy became furious when he learned the marijuana was fake.
The crop of marijuana turned out to be oregano.
Andy was arrested and jail was where he had to go.
Andy will be pounding rocks for the rest of his days.
The Sheriff soon learned that crime doesn't pay.

One minute everything was fine but the next, everything went sour.
Terrorists hijacked some planes and attacked the World Trade Towers.
Because of those **** terrorists, 2,977 innocent people were killed.
They attacked the World Trade Towers which took six years to build.
Construction of the Towers began in 1966 and ended in 1972.
What those terrorists did was s cowardly and evil thing to do.
The people who were born on that day are now adults legally, time flies.
An entire nation still mourns the loss of each and every person who died.

Your son was a lowlife hooligan.
Last year he murdered my son.
When it came to having the ability to show mercy, your son sure did lack it.
He shot my son right between the eyes because of his expensive jacket.
My boy gave him the jacket but he killed him anyway.
When I identified my son's body, your son had to pay.
Your son wanted to prove to his gang members that he was big and bad.
He shot my son in cold blood and returning the favor made me feel glad.
Your son was arrested but a bleeding heart judge let him out on bail.
A few hours later your son became the victim of a 44 Magnum shell.
I killed him the exact same way that he killed my son, a bullet right between the eyes.
I didn't realize that a man could get so much pleasure by seeing another person die.
It was an eye for an eye, I pulled my gun on him and it felt so good to shoot.
But your son's death isn't good enough for me, I hope he fries in Hell to boot.

Angela Lansbury has perished after living for nearly ninety-seven years.
In 1948, she starred in "State Of The Union" and "The Three Musketeers".
When she starred as a murderess in "Please ****** Me!", her co-star was Raymond Burr.
She is best known for starring in "******, She Wrote" and people will always remember her.
She starred in "Death On The Nile", "Lace" and "The Mirror Crack'd".
Angela became famous because talent wasn't something she lacked.
Many will remember her as "Jessica Fletcher" which was a role that she portrayed for many years.
Angela is dead and when her friends and family attend her funeral, they will grieve and shed tears.

There is a church in Bean Station, Tennessee that gives free food to the poor.
The time had come to give the food but they had ran out, they didn't have anymore.
The preacher prayed and told Jehovah that these people needed food in order to survive.
About one day later a big truck full of food arrived.
Jehovah saved those people when he answered the preacher's prayer.
The Lord will never let people down, it is so nice to know that he cares.
This proves that Jehovah should be praised all day long.
When we turn to The Lord, he will never lead us wrong.
It's wonderful because he loves people so much.
When we think about it, our hearts are touched.

Three convenience store employees thought what they did was funny but I think it was cruel.
Those three people said that I won a thirty million dollar lottery and then yelled "April Fool".
They sold me a fake lottery ticket with the winning numbers.
They started laughing and said that a person couldn't be any dumber.
For a few minutes, they tricked me into believing that I was a rich man.
I thought that I could drive a Rolls Royce and throw away my minivan.
When those idiots yelled "April Fool", all hell broke loose.
They thought it was funny and didn't expect such abuse.
I beat the hell out of all three of them and they made loud thuds when they fell.
I'm as poor as I ever was and now I will be spending the next year or two in jail.
I'm in a lot of trouble, I also broke some other things in addition to breaking the law.
When I repeatedly punched those convenience store clerks, I broke their ribs and jaws.
My obese mother-in-law just yelled "April Fool" after saying that she was going to pay my bail.
I just knocked her on her bloated **** so now I guess I'll be spending even more time in jail.

When I ordered Welsh Rabbit, a rabbit wasn't included.
The restaurant ripped me off, that was what I concluded.
All that I was served was some cheese on toast.
I soon learned that the chef wasn't a nice host.
I wanted a rabbit and that was what I demanded.
He threw me out the door because he said I needed to be reprimanded.
i was upset at that chef so I decided to enter his restaurant again.
When he was through I thought they'd have to call my next of kin.
He burned my **** with his stove and hit my head with a frying pan.
I soon learned that when that chef gets riled, he's a dangerous man.
If you order Welsh Rabbit at his restaurant and ask for a rabbit, he will say no.
And for your own safety you should leave his restaurant peacefully, just let it go.

We may be living in the last days and people need to be aware.
My only question for you is are you prepared?
People must make drastic changes even though they're unwilling.
People must stop stealing, doing and dealing drugs, lying and killing.
To get to God, we must go through his son.
Violent people had better put away their guns.
When Jesus returns, the Earth will be transformed into a paradise and I'm overjoyed.
But wicked people won't live in the paradise, they will be judged and then destroyed.
If you're a big sinner, you'd better stop committing your sins.
God wants everybody to live in paradise but the wicked won't win.
To live in this paradise, people must love and honor Jesus and God because they are who we need.
People must start thinking of others instead of just themselves, they must put an end to their greed.
The end may come next week or it may not arrive for another thousand years.
But people who are doing wrong had better change just in case the end is near.

I should've known something was wrong when my dad started getting sick.
My Stepmother is evil and for many weeks, she poisoned him with arsenic.
It was five years ago today when she finished him off with the final dose.
I hated my Stepmother even though Dad wanted the two of us to be close.
It took me a while to get it done but I was finally able to have Dad's body exhumed.
When high levels of arsenic were found in his body, my Stepmother was doomed.
I was determined to bring her to justice and I knew that I wouldn't fail.
She was found guilty by a jury and I was happy because justice prevailed.
The judge sentenced her to life in prison with no chance of parole.
I loathe that woman, I can never get back Dad's life that she stole.

Arthenia was my aunt and she was as kind as she could be.
She was a loving mother and wife who lived in Sneedville, Tennessee.
She was appreciated by her husband and the three children that she had.
Now she's in Heaven which is a better place, she's with my mom and dad.
When we lose somebody special, we always ask why.
Her daughter and sons names are Hope, Dennis and Levi.
She was married to my uncle for 43 years.
It's really sad because she's no longer here.
When such a special person dies, it's a shame.
She was unique and Arthenia was her name.

Today would've been Arthenia's birthday if she hadn't died.
Last year, I lost my aunt and my uncle lost his bride.
Arthenia died in 2018 and she was born in 1955.
She'd be celebrating her birthday if she was alive.

Arthenia's life was saved when she had open heart surgery several years ago.
But if you're wondering if surgery could've saved her again, the answer is no.
Arthenia lost her life, sadly, it's true.
She left this world at the age of 62.

Ask not what God can do for you, ask what you can do for God.
If you do something that will please The Lord, Angels will applaud.
Give somebody a Bible or take them to church with you.
If you introduce somebody to God, it's a good thing to do.

You can give God a gift by just obeying his Ten Commandments.
Pleasing The Lord is what we should be doing, it truly makes sense.
Offer to help clean your church or give them donations.
If you please God, he'll be happy, that's no exaggeration.

I tolerated my **** neighbor even though he liked to gripe.
But I drew the line when he attacked me with a steel pipe.
The ******* hit me in the ribs and on my head.
My skull was fractured, I'm lucky I'm not dead.
Now the hospital is threatening to take my home because I can't pay their bill.
I don't deserve these problems, I may lose my house and I was nearly killed.
But I had him arrested and they locked that maniac in a cell.
He committed assault with a deadly weapon and he's rotting in jail.

I told my wife that she looks like a wicked witch.
And then I had to go to the hospital to be stitched.
She's always been angry and bitter because she's not good looking.
She looks even more like a witch when she eats because her face turns green from my terrible cooking.
She tells people that she's pretty but they refuse to hear her.
I have to clean up the broken glass after she looks in mirrors.
If each broken mirror brings seven years of bad luck, she's in for seven hundred unlucky years.
I also have bad luck because she says that she'll never leave me and that drives me to tears.

When a surgeon had to operate on a man, she was ******.
She botched the operation because the patient was sexist.
She learned he was sexist and botched the operation so that he would die.
She bragged about it to her friends, it was something that she did not deny.
But she didn't expect one of her friends to turn her in.
Now she's rotting in prison, she's no longer a surgeon.
She doesn't even realize she did wrong, she thought she had the right to ****.
A surgeon is never supposed to take a life, it's a surgeon's duty to try to heal.
She thinks her patient was **** but he was a better person than her.
At least he didn't **** another human being, he was not a murderer.

At midnight tonight, the second decade of the twenty-first century will be no more.
At midnight tonight, the third decade of the twenty-first century will be what's in store.
At midnight tonight, billions of people will welcome and celebrate the new year.
At midnight tonight, some will celebrate with champagne and others will celebrate with beer.
At midnight tonight, it will be the first day of 2020 and the first day of January.
At midnight tonight, give your wife some razor blades because her legs are hairy.

The new Doctor Who TV show is a true masterpiece, a masterpiece of ****.
I have a son who was naughty and needed to be punished so I made him watch it.
He cried and cried, it has scarred him for life because it was too much for him to handle.
He said he'd never be naughty again if I would have enough pity to change the channel.
My son committed over 100 crimes but he always got off scot-free because of lack of evidence.
But he kept his side of the bargain, I changed the channel and he's been as good as gold ever since.
Unfortunately, I've received a lot of criticism from other parents who say I went too far.
One mother said that forcing him to watch the new Doctor Who was more cruel than cutting the brake lines on a person's car.
When I made him watch that *******, perhaps I was going too far, some say that I really blew it.
But if you have a problem child who needs to be taught the error of his ways, forcing him to watch the new Doctor Who will do it.

I was abducted by aliens and I'm angry, bitter and depressed.
They took me to a world where the women have no *******.
When I was abducted, I was promised a life of happiness.
But how can I be happy when the ladies have no chests?
I'm ******* and I want to cry because they were not honest with me.
The women on this world are so flat that they make Olive Oyl look *****.
When I was on Earth, I manufactured bras but they are obsolete here.
Coming to this planet has put an end to my happiness and to my career.
You may think that I'm lying to you, I know that it's hard to believe.
But if you're a man and you're brought here, you will want to leave.

Let me tell you about Barney Rubble.
He's a criminal who is in big trouble.
Barney lost his job and Bamm-Bamm was taken by the state.
That made him turn mean, he has been consumed by hate.
He and Fred Flintstone are enemies noe, he's gotten himself in a mess.
Barney looked through Fred's window and watched Wilma undress.
Wilma knew that he was watching but didn't care.
She didn't mind him seeing her while she was bare.
Barney bought a new car after he kidnapped Pebbles and sold her on the Black Market.
But the bank took his house so he had no place to park it.
All of this started because Barney lost his son.
Now Fred is out looking for Barney with a gun.
Fred is determined to shoot his former friend and watch him die.
He just found Barney so now Barney can kiss his **** goodbye.

When my friend and I finally got chicks, they decided to leave us.
My friend's name is ****-Head and my name is Beavis.
I thought that I was pregnant even though I'm a boy.
Because ****-head and I are stupid, people get annoyed.

I become the Great Cornholio when I eat too much sugar.
I'm actually a mental case who eats his own boogers.
When ****-Head and I meet chicks, we're sure to sexually harass.
And if you have a teenage daughter, you'll end up kicking my ***.

If you meet us face to face, we're sure to cause great anxiety.
We are both juvenile delinquents who are threats to society.
Don't come near us or you'll get so mad that you'll cuss.
You will be happy and better off if you stay away from us.

You were a talented British actor but sadly, not anymore.
If you hadn't died, today you would've turned ninety-four.
You starred in an episode of "Fawlty Towers" and "Dalziel and Pascoe".
Forty-four years ago, you starred in "The Adventures Of Picasso".
You starred in an episode of "Last Of The Summer Wine".
You starred in an episode of "Mogul" and "Space: 1999".
You starred in a short lived British sitcom titled "Cuffy".
After living a long life, you died at the age of ninety-three.
When you starred in Fawlty Towers, you beat up John Cleese.
Today would have been your birthday, may you Rest In Peace.

I don't trust Hillary Clinton because of the allegations that she's facing.
A future with her as President is something I would have a difficult time embracing.
Bernie Sanders is the Presidential candidate for me.
I've contributed to him and voted for him in the primaries.
Many years ago Sanders opposed segregation.
That was awesome and deserved celebration.
Congress passed Sanders' first piece of legislation for the National Program of Cancer Registries.
All 50 states now run registries to help cancer researchers gain important insight because of the effort of Bernie.
He was re-elected to serve eight terms as a Congressman by the people in Vermont.
Bernie Sanders has integrity and that is the kind of President that I want.

A British actor entertained people as Selwyn Froggitt and The Gaffer.
During his 89 years of life, Bill Maynard gave millions the gift of laughter.
He starred in a few episodes of both 'Worzel Gummidge' and 'Heartbeat'.
He starred once in both 'The Ugliest Girl In Town' and 'Coronation Street'.

When he died, it was hard for all of his fans to get a grip.
He died in a hospital not long after falling and breaking his hip.
It was twelve months ago when he passed away.
Sadly, we lost a talented actor one year ago today.

Joseph and Mary tried to find shelter but they were unable.
Finally, an innkeeper gave them permission to use his stable.
Jesus was born in that stable and Mary put him in a manger.
An angel appeared to Joseph in a dream and told him that Jesus was in danger.
An evil king was sending people to **** the Son of God.
The king who did this was none other than King Herod.
Mary and Joseph took Baby Jesus away, they had to flee.
Jesus and his family wound up living in Nazareth of Galilee.
Because Jesus was perfect, he was a man who people could trust.
Jesus and his father love us so much that Jesus died for all of us.

I dumped my girlfriend when I learned I was being used.
She decided to get revenge, I was falsely accused.
She said that when she came to my house, there was no escape.
She said when she refused to have *** with me, she was *****.
She's a ***** and a two-faced liar, I didn't lay a finger on her.
But when I looked at the jury, I believed that I was a goner.
I was wrong because I was found not guilty because of lack of evidence.
My ex-girlfriend became enraged and things became scary and intense.
She pulled out a gun and shot me.
Luckily, I survived after I had surgery.
She shot me in the courtroom and her fate was sealed.
The only thing that she's sorry about is that I wasn't killed.
I was found not guilty by a jury of my peers and I didn't have to do hard time.
My ex-girlfriend tried to ****** me and she's rotting in jail because of her crime.

It's Black Friday and I grabbed the last iPad.
When I grabbed it, it sure made people mad.
One man kicked me in the crotch and another got his foot stuck in my ***.
Black Friday turns people into beasts, they sure don't have any class.
A man said if I didn't hand over the iPad, he would kidnap my wife's mother.
I told him to take the old crow, they deserve each other.
Black Friday brings out the worst in people and that's sad.
I'll break my foot off in your *** if you try to grab my iPad.

I have a sad story that requires music that's played by a fiddle.
I've been wounded and I'm spending Black Friday at the hospital.
Gamestop announced that they were knocking 80 percent off of Playstation 4s.
Less than one hour later, paramedics wheeled me through the hospital doors.
I tried to grab a PS4 from a woman, I thought because she was a woman, she wouldn't put up a fight.
But she stabbed, clawed, poked and she even decided to bite.
I really wanted that Playstation 4 because of how little it cost.
But when that woman was through, a lot of my blood was lost.
I'm at the hospital on Black Friday and it's a real shame.
Why did I want that PS4, I don't even like video games.