happiness is like a golden apple between my teeth
oh so rare & oh so sweet

her eyes look small and watery red
now without the thick black eyeliner and false lashes
she seems so naked

charcoal
oxblood
poppy
pomegranate
maroon
cranberry
cherry
creams­icle
orange soda
saffron
lemon
egg yolk
buttermilk
sunflower
olive
forest
lime
mint
ice
blueberry
royal blue
navy
bubblegum
fuschia
salmon
grape
lavender
wine
chocolate
espresso

like an injection between your toes
she's the highest rush when she's there
& the most sickening pain when she's gone

you taste rich like german chocolate cake
the scent of you : sweet sweat & secondhand smoke
your breath hot against my neck

i want to cry but i won't

i love you
i'm so confused
how do you feel about me?

how can you tell me
that you've "liked" me (air quotes) since we met,
that you would be upset if i had a boyfriend,
that you imagine a future with me

how can you
touch me (almost) everywhere
& bite me
& sleep in your bed with me

but then act like none of that happened
& tell me that you're ******* another random guy
that you met on Grindr

but then two days later you're back
your face between my ******* in a public restaurant
your hands seductive

why do you tease me?
do you want me or not?
do you even know what you want?

i know you have a lot of things on your mind
i know this is confusing for you
but you have to see you're involving me in this too
you have to see this is no longer just about your feelings
because you tangled mine up in yours

but the thing is that i love you no matter what
whether you're gay or bi or anything else
whether you might be bipolar or have borderline personality disorder
whether you are my best friend or my boyfriend or (other)

but i'm scared of loving you
& i think you already know all of the things i just said
so i might never say any of this out loud

a crunch
a wet thud & then the slap of skin against pavement
broken cartilage
fractured bones
a valley opens
a dam bursts
thick black blood pools on the cement

loyal like a dog, they said about him
loyal to the bone, he'll stand up for you
but you just beat him down & you broke his heart
so for how long can you kick a dog
until he bites?

noun | pen·e·tra·tion |\pe-nə-ˈtrā-shən\
1) the act of going through or into something: the act of penetrating something
2) an ability to understand things clearly and fully*

if you penetrate their body
without entering their mind
you aren't really all the way in

dark eyes rimmed red
cigarette burns on his sleeve
the smell of the city lingering in his hair
he drops his jacket to the floor
& falls asleep cradling a bottle of whiskey

your knife is glinting : recently polished
& i can see my eye reflected in the metal

you can feel his teeth scrape on your bones
your flesh tears & your sinews  s t r e t c h  and snap apart
& your blood runs down his face in rivers ;
it drips on the cement to be washed away by the rain
& soon there is no trace of you left behind

rage
rage rage rage rage ragefearragerageragerage  ragerage rage
rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage rage ragerage
rage rage rage rage ragerageragehaterage ragerage rage ragethirstragerage
rage rage

rage rage rage ragesickragerage
rage

last night i woke up cold
adrenaline like nicotine in my blood
the dream itself was black and empty,
heavy like ice water,
& i was there alone
w a i l i n g  : brokenhearted

we were in his car
an old red jaguar, not as fancy as it sounds
i don't remember where we were going
because we're always going somewhere

he said to me
"is it weird that i had a dream
about me and you in the future?"

& i froze, unsure how to respond
so i just waited

he glanced from the road to me
"you know, like... together."

the asphalt purred under us

i said "no. no it's not weird."

i breathed ice

he said, "i'm not sure
if i'm going to be gay forever."

he always says this
when he doesn't have to look at me

i said "it's okay, i know.
i know you're confused, right?"
i'm confused too, but i didn't say that

we turned onto the highway
he flicked red ashes out of the window

he said "i hate that word."

& we drove onward
in the dark with the radio loud

oxytocin serotonin rhythm rhythmatic
a dopamine drip like a metronome tick
endorphins crash like waves

~ rest ~

epinephrine more like norepinephrine
neuropeptides simmer down &
monoamines die like flies

he sniffed her out
she fell for his charm
she fell into his bed
too fast
too fast
passion
or frenzy?

over & over
again & again
he pinned her down
red ribbons,
red dress on the floor

it wasn't sweet
it wasn't sweet
my, what big
teeth you have
what big marks they leave

the sun rose
the moon set
he slept fitfully

bruised, ****** & sore,
she waited

finally he woke &
crunch,
munch
he ate her for lunch

i see beauty in the terrible &
i see perfect harmony in ugliness
shock pain destruction ruin,
the truth: the above is more whole and juicy between the teeth
than years of singing sparrows

& i see the perverted beauty in damage
- wreckage & shrapnel -
broken cracked stained objects
have their own crooked appeal

i lust for bruises, broken hearts, broken bones, addicted tongues
for the red eyes born of insomnia, sorrow, substance abuse
i want the literal & metaphorical dirt under your fingernails  
there's a sick sweetness in awful secrets
but factory fresh is bland & tasteless

his palms are wide and his fingers square
his skin is so pale that you can see veins pumping blue underneath
& it makes the red torn skin on his knuckles stand out that much more

cavernous mouths howling & snapping
flat wide tongues flapping
razor teeth glint in the moonlight
eyes yellow like the sun
their breath heavy & hot
a scent like dead leaves & musk
claws snick the pavement  
they surround us as we fall under their spell
content to be devoured

i have nightmares like shattering glass
my thoughts are poetry that i can't chase down
i bleed black ink instead of blood
i cry hot wax
i smell like twisted *** dreams
my ribs crush my heart into diamonds
& my saliva drips like silk threads

nausea ad nauseum
my guts twist & burn
just cut them out & let them steam on the floor
i don't have time for this

with a kiss i could absorb your soul
& with a touch you could heal me

i feel like i'm on the cusp of... something
just waiting for my stars to align
there's a hot buildup
tension in my tendons
my hands itch

you are nothing more than a papercut, he said
you sting for just a second before you are forgotten
i'm looking for a hurricane,
an unforgettable, brutal hurricane of a woman

i am not a hurricane, i said
but all hurricanes do is lift you up by the roots
destroy everything around you
& leave you soaking wet, lonely & upside down

i know, he said
but that's all i want

why:
- because of the feeling in the pit of my stomach when i look at him

why not:
- because of the feeling in the pit of my stomach when i look at him

tonight my mind is like
the vacuum of outer space
black black
& devoid of life
but full of infinite possibilities

you are the scream in my throat
you are the reason i grind my teeth in my sleep
you make me feel like i drank hard liquor with a helium chaser
i crave you like no other

a train on its tracks
shake the bones of your house
abruptly reminding you how utterly squishable you are &
how the industrial
rust & metal surrounding you is
unyielding

foreign yet familiar
the decadence
textures
intensity; heat
this fantasy
it's so real to me
too real
i feel drunk
he is intoxicating

.
.
i want to pull you apart in sections like an overripe orange
and lick all the juice off of your skin
.

it's wet, it glistens, it glitters
listen to your *******
don't quit
that fella's hellacious
give him head
hella *******
don't be coy
tell him where to stick it
tell him to lick it
tell him to search & destroy

he is hard
smooth
a polished stone
unbroken
solid
undisturbed
rooted firmly in the mud
& i am the soft moss
around him
wet & sweet
growing on him

i'm filled with the dull ache & cautious optimism of desire
my belly, usually home to skittish swarms of beetles,
is now a butterfly habitat

suddenly my bed is so lonely &
my skin so untouched...
hazy dreams
of clothes tossed carelessly aside,
the weight of your body on mine

then afterwards
when our limbs tangled together like vines
& our sleepy words hung weightless in the dark
i imagine there would be a stillness inside me,
like calm waters where there used to be a hurricane

when you write a poem
it's like you're supposed to come up with
some kind of grandiose statement
on the meaning of life
you're supposed to add rhyme to your reason

but what if you're just saying words just to spit them?
what if there's no meaning behind what you say
are you a shell of a writer if your writing is empty?
are you a fake if your words are fiction?

if your truest rawest realest grit
is nothing but a bunch of ****,
are you really a bad writer
or good one?

i want to taste the salt in your heart :
but you are a fictional fantasy
a fallacy
a prank pulled on me by Fate
you have been pried with a rusty crowbar
from the inside of my skull where you were hiding &
hibernating
now you’re fulfilled only by polluting and petting my brain with
day & night dreams of cigarettes & screeching feedback
& boys with ***** calloused hands & heavy eyebrows ;
you are a figment of my fractured imagination

i want to crawl inside your skin
& live next to your heart

i want to be your fantasy &
i want to bleed into your reality
like ink droplets in water
blossoming

i want your scent to
overwhelm my nose
i want to lock away the memory of your
sweat & aftershave,
your sweet smoke & musk

lipstick on your fingertips
i left my mark

a ****** flower blooms under my skin
you left yours too

anger chokes me
it festers in my throat
& burns my tongue

like a flower blooming
petals uncurling
exposing their silk & velvet insides
vulnerability wet like nectar
waiting for killer bees
who don't want the sweet sap
just the thrill of destruction

jkdhfgu ieoruio tyeuribxvb
jshguiw
afyjksnfs;
sfw k wufuwsj kvhsns
jkasklj hwiofhfj

k gjk dghkjsh rgerug jkfgfjv

bdfgbsjkg
bsjk vnskjf  uiwt ywuir
iwefs df bsdjkfhs rfgsdjk ghsdjfwe i otywr
t y jkghsd jkf wof hweuifh s djkfsd;
fj klsdhge

jksdrhgeryji srjktherj  sdkjgheurt e
lejrhuye
jkeryh  dkrth eriot errwe
n dio
ioeruihdr?

i want

i want to break everything
to throw it out the window & set it ablaze
i want to

****
i want to break you

cukf
w tnoa oe iytba rok

break
i want to *******

drink my blood
eat my heart
swallow my tongue
crack my bones & **** out the marrow
i have enough to go around

her mouth opens
silent scream
her hands clutch her heart
so uselessly
salty tears curl around her cheeks
drip on her tongue
everything sounds like tv static
her lungs are in a panic

squeaky sugar coated teeth
that coating
nagging
reminding you
of all the bad things you ate
the bad things you put in your mouth
you can feel those
bad decisions
eating away at your enamel

maybe you deserve to let your teeth rot
you weak worthless
spineless, toothless
coward
you lamb in a wolf suit

let your teeth all fall out
who will be scared of you then?

with unspeakable words like stones in my mouth
i sink to the bottom & drown

i want to run away from everything
move to mexico
live in a little brick house
& throw knives at trees

i want freedom
from my self inflicted prison

why is it so easy to fall into mistakes
& so hard to climb out of them

i want to live
without hatred
& without emptiness

my life is wasted
every day
& every minute that goes by
it gets harder for me to breathe

i'm scared i will never escape

the world is shrinking
everything seems like it's at your fingertips
skype, kik
snapchat
twitter
sexting, tinder
2 day shipping
live streaming
but nothing has really changed
except our ability to spread asinine opinions
faster than ever before
google celebrity nudes
watch kim k's *** tape
listen to drake's diss track
read about brangelina's divorce
it's all a joke
an illusion designed to placate you
keep you too busy watching the bachelor
to listen to a political debate
it's okay because someone will make it into a meme
bad hombre
& you can laugh at it on facebook tomorrow
while the powerful laugh at your ignorance,
run your life & ruin your life
ignorance is bliss, indifference is a sin

last night

i felt unfaithful to you
even though you were with someone else
(conspicuously absent)
& not even wondering where i was
while i had the fingers of a strange Bear inside me

the bass was vibrating the ground under us
he was rolling & too gentle
but he tried
he brought me up up up
but instead of climaxing
i started crying
all i felt was guilt for letting you down
by being a stranger's ****

i wish you would have been paying attention
because i know you would be jealous
knowing that someone else was touching your girl

but mostly i wish that it had been your fingers instead
your tongue & your teeth
& your hot breath on my ear
your sweet familiarity & your firmness,
your relentless aggressive hands would have made me high
like nobody else ever could
& i would be the best little **** you could ever ask for

if i swallow the
lies or
the truth or
the pills

will they fix me or
protect me or
or ruin me?