these same negative thoughts are on an endless loop in my head,
not constant, but nearly,
any hint of sarcasm or negative comments about me begin the whole process of self-destruction and hatred in my head.
when i get out of the loop, i just feel tired and numb,
like i just got done with a fist fight and came away with a few bruises and cuts on my face and fists.
i believe in a God who heals, but its hard to hold on to hope and to see the good in myself when I feel like a constant burden due to these fistfights in my mind.
any positive affirmation feels like a bandaid put on my deep cuts and bruises, somewhat helpful but they can't fix the damage already done.

every smoking, electric chemical
balled into coals burning red and hot
white knuckles and eyes like swords
sharp and blinding in the sun
i light a match in the forest
and he throws himself into me,
inferno on his lips, in bared teeth

are we fighting? am i failing?
to **** a dragon that's already killed me
your breath is hot. your scales, rough,
are calloused hands that grip my collar
im breathless, but i havent thrown a punch
i see you falter.

are we fighting?
are you sure?

his palms are wide and his fingers square
his skin is so pale that you can see veins pumping blue underneath
& it makes the red torn skin on his knuckles stand out that much more