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May 2020 · 385
underside
KM Hanslik May 2020
I'm on the underside
of an 80mph tide
& I'm sizzling in the slime
of your olive-oil compromise,
beat the color out of my face
and the bile out of my throat;
I've sang too many songs for you,
so I'll save my breath for
counting up

sidewalk gum
eraser dust,
saliva stains on clean pillowcases
2 fingers held up in surrender,
& a nasty place to take a pit stop.
May 2020 · 495
Little Moth
KM Hanslik May 2020
Pristine prisons,
probably the prettiest you've ever seen
from your 72-inch flatscreen;
if walls could talk, I hear you'd be in a pretty tight spot
but I'd rather not
shoot my shot with your skeleton crew,
because I've got a little angel, she just fell to earth too soon;
her halo choked her in her mother's womb, so she knows
pristine prisons,
probably the prettiest you've ever seen
windows painted lavender and walls bathed in evergreen;
peach-round face & woodsmoke eyes,
I want to comfort her with soft-spilled lies
but she already knows the horrid truth,
so I'll take her to a dim-lit roof
and talk about the moon.
May 2020 · 254
Uncensored
KM Hanslik May 2020
I'm sitting at a stop sign with my tongue tied & my brain fried,
oozy sunny-side-up on the pavement
they tell me "look at the bright side" as if the sun could talk,
but no, I'm shooting blanks
on a half-tank of chemical reuptake;
here's a mouthful of soap, keep your insides clean

stuff a drawer with hope for the rainy days;
'cause we worship the heat like we're trying to get cancer,
I'll spill from my lips what I don't want to eat,
and worship every dancer for a flaw that knows them better;
insert needles into inked-up skin, then burn out every letter,

we'll burn that bridge when we get there,
make it a public monument
picking pennies out of muddy boot-prints,
but **** it, if the shoe fits
keep your luck in a jar so it can't run out like your bank account,
resuscitate me in a desert so I can get used to the drought;

& we've all got a cutscene we'd rather not talk about
so here's the uncensored take,
after I spoon-feed you the low-stakes version
(try not to choke)
this is every mistake on a half-tank of reuptake
try to fill up your plate while your bank goes for broke;

take it up a notch and watch me free-fall down the ropes
while you climb the ladder with 5 dead bodies and a *** tape,
call it a playdate with fate
& see how long the relapse takes
after your firewall fills with smoke.
KM Hanslik Apr 2020
******* with your
splinter-***** criticisms
redirect sensation to my tongue
so I can taste your bitterness;
redirect your blows to my spine
because my stomach is too full
of sweet-n-sour lies
now-or-later apologies
first-come-first-serve compliments
and 24-hour withdrawal
Mar 2020 · 245
twin mattress
KM Hanslik Mar 2020
She was irresistible, irreplaceable
make one false move and put your place on hold;
The backbone of desire pumping through the wire, set her loose & watch her flow,
candle wax oozing, resisting control
our flavored dispute; set conversation on mute, but I still hear you in my head
every time the light turns red,
I can still feel you on my skin
at the end of the day when my patience drags thin.
Coddle this inside its synthetic cradle,
no one knows the secrets a day holds
but I know how to win & slowly begin
again, after arrows are dragged with lead,
speaking from a place of dread & coaxed from a respite of poor taste,
Twin mattress replaced
with everything I couldn't say,
pending transactions we swept away
to be posted at a later date;
I'm keeping my warnings slow and my feet above my head
Twin mattress replaced
with everything I should have said.
Feb 2020 · 345
Temple
KM Hanslik Feb 2020
We are living in the nooks & crannies,
like the shadow behind the doorjamb
and I will always be incriminated by the dirt under my fingernails,
a half-smoke, half-sweat daydream;
a rush of blood to the head wrapped in silk rope,
stain my skin with your heavy-handed love
make my pupils blend into my irises, conjoin my tongue to my teeth
I bloom with black lilies and their petals stay soft from the rain;
subvert yourself to me,
corrupt my solitary sanctuary
you are the gardener - dig in this earth
plant your half-ripe, half-degraded seed in my ruins
along the lines of the river
we bathe in lavender pools and the trees flower over,
they thirst for our union;
we are a cosmic cacaphony,
and you are the nail in the coffin;
insects will eat of my flesh before I cease exaunerating your name;
absolve me of blame, I will drink of your sins
steady-imprinting your phenotype
into channels of cortisol, dopamine
(only the loveliest things in your hands)
tree-ring and stretch-mark calendars,
hypnotic topography
& I'm rooted deep, but for you, I flow like water
invite me into your temple,
sing to me of your sorrows
mesmerize me with your breath & your body,
my spirit will never walk free.
Feb 2020 · 451
candy-coated nightmares
KM Hanslik Feb 2020
Candy-coated nightmares
best worst-case scenario
tripping over my tongue and forgetting to hold you accountable
I don't really care what settles
my bones are porous structures,
like attracts like;
I've fallen asleep twice tonight
and woke with lips colder than ice
KM Hanslik Feb 2020
Implicate me in your imitation
weaving gossip into vindication,
but I'm no good with strained relations
so drop me, watch me fall
I'll be patient;
spot me, this is all
from the basement;
you can't placate me, I gain immunity
to petty conversation
I mark diplomacy in counts of three,
you caught me once, I paid the fee
fighting impulsive stipulations,
now I'm flying free, poor decisions latent
deliberate the value of late payments
let a good thing find you, never chase it;
don't try to place me in your picture,
I'm a wild card, I don't bring the cure
you can try to woo me with soft pretty words,
but I won't validate actions I can't observe
so count me in
or throw me out,
my gardens bloom through any drought
I won't perpetuate your war with fate,
so don't scrutinize my station
let my name appear in karma's play dates,
& leave my ego on vacation.
Feb 2020 · 140
"glory"
KM Hanslik Feb 2020
Mastering the art of imperfection, but sometimes terror's got me paralyzed,
taking five steps back for every one in the right direction,
ripe with collections of misconceptions but surely learning the ropes of natural selection;
Wipe my nose in your deception, I'm getting better at detecting lies
Pursue my intellect & I might deflect
inane perceptions with disguise;
we exist inside a dichotomy that you try to categorize and oversee
to redirect the question, sterilize the truth & destigmatize the proof
Elect golden-plated models & claim we fail to see the lesson right before our very eyes,
pacified by the very lies we internalize
a perplexion we fail to ever verbalize;
sanctify me just to demonize
the complexity we all disguise,
and only the falsely glorified take the time to deprive the defiant & disenfranchised.
Feb 2020 · 106
Addicts
KM Hanslik Feb 2020
° This how you like it, baby?
Finger-shaped bruises on my biceps
sweat on my tongue,
shake like an addict
I can't speak so you put the words in my mouth instead
this all yours baby
Hand-shaped bruises on my hips,
going for round 3, or 4?
That's a good girl, baby
let the nonsense syllables sing into my pillow
yessir, let my body tell the rest
and nothing has ever felt this good, god you're so good
Make me wanna scream
fist in mouth, bite down, baby
I can feel my legs buckle and you lean into me
press your lips against my ear (just like that)
lip-shaped bruises around my throat
I've never gone this far (just for you)
only for you.
Feb 2020 · 290
dark angel
KM Hanslik Feb 2020
He was only half a man. Twisted, trembling, foreign. Fervishly staving off the steel claws in his throat, the hot iron pressed against his skull. On one hand, systematic, deliberate, concise. Fingertips tracing a cheek. Water cupped precariously in the palm. On the other, advantageous, sporadic, feral. Owing and owning zero. A dark path through the forest under the new moon. Sticks snapping under your feet. The hair on the back of your neck standing up. Driving too fast over ice on bald tires.

He lived in a shadow, in the breath of wind through oak limbs. In the rustle of grass your feet would tread through the field out back. He lived in between the sun and the clouds, in the purple prints tucked underneath your scarf, the lump that would always catch in your throat after a long day.

He was only half real, half apparition. In and out of silence, wings always half folded. Never alone long enough to feel comfortable. Never in one place long enough to call it home.
Pt. 1...
Jan 2020 · 87
soft soft
KM Hanslik Jan 2020
Twist through my head
flower crown, charred ambitions
sleep-tipsy, toppled picket fences
busted plaster inside a smoke-friendly diner:
we are living in the corner booths
in the cupholders and side-eyes
the periphery of a one-way street: I am counting ruts on the sidewalk
feet scuffing the time slots
and you are an all-year pass: come once, twice, come again
a leave-your-wallet-on-the-table kind of love
a don't-blink-when-you-speak
laundry folding into next week
and we make homes in cement places
worn soles and frayed laces,
beginning the process of leaving our doors unlocked,
call me when the clock stops cause your voice is all it takes
And I'll kiss you too long in the rain and too often in public,
my heart is spilling down my sleeve
in and out of a foggy daydream
hazy-spilt secrets,
dead-end confessions,
let me lock last summer's warmth
under my eyelids
and hold you in my sleep.
Jan 2020 · 78
pollen
KM Hanslik Jan 2020
Rub your pollen against me,
I've been short on supply since you left.
Leave me this time with a little more cortisol,
a little less self control.
Jan 2020 · 400
tell me a secret
KM Hanslik Jan 2020
They play like children
feet light and hands soft,
tongues stumbling, youth-wobbly
caught between free-form weightless moments
and the desire to belong.

And I have grown up under the light of your neon warmth,
Fingers and cord enmeshed,
At once both afraid to live
And afraid to die;
Desperate to leave your side
tiny palms clinging clammy to chain-link fences,
daydreaming of lavender fields and lukewarm skies.  

I have grown up under the shade of a sycamore tree,
face pale and eyes wide
arms entangled in embraces with
steel faces and hollow heartbeats,
One foot still in the door,
the other treading pavement
packing light for the journey:
looseleaf hopes and carry-on memories.  

And I heard you in my head all that summer,
once I was emptied of starlight and longing;
I have built a temple of ivy and earth
so you can come visit whenever you'd like.

And I would have never guessed that you grew up without guidance,
Because you were soft without hesitation
and your skin feels like sunlight in my palms,
could you tell me a secret ? Are we just passing through?

And I haven't heard back from you in a while,
but I am warm wherever I go now
I still keep your ghost in my temple,
she keeps track of the days that we pass through,
so no matter how far the earth spins,
I am only a page-flip away from you.

and I'll tell you a secret, because you sit so silent, or maybe because you wanted to know:
my lungs and my lips have grown filters,
I have planted a garden in all of the places that feel like home.

And I'll tell you another, if you'll lend me a moment
my eyes paint the world in bright greens and blues,
So if I haven't lifted my fist to the sky in a while, then tell me a secret:  
Have you?
Dec 2019 · 390
new year, new lessons
KM Hanslik Dec 2019
I'll write your eulogy to-go
about how nothing wants to stick in the winter, not even the snow,
and I'm plain tripping this year
bending the boundaries of "too close" and "steer clear"  
A villain and a hero wrapped in close encounters with fear of change and counter-attacks,
spilling over your tears with my witty comebacks and defending dark humour with panic attacks,
dabble in feeling and send your mind reeling back
to when arguments weren't the end-all;
throw your words at me and watch them free-fall,
we all need something to ground us and I've been
building my empire from the ground-up
these moments are divine and I'm done waiting on a "sign" that it's finally my time, we've made it this far
without a savior or a martyr, you've been getting close but I'm pushing farther
destined to change and letting go of the blame
long nights in the rain with thoughts of last names circulating our brains,

I'm content just to be and see where it goes
oblivious to what the next year holds.
Nov 2019 · 346
memories i keep to myself
KM Hanslik Nov 2019
I know it's not much, but I can put this back in the ground
after the smoke stops hugging the skyline & rubble is reduced to ash,
I can don a new name and run to shelter, but I would rather give you back (to yourself)
And I would rather know your pain (for myself)
So that when the pale sky creeps out of the shadows, and our footprints on the riverbank are flooded,
I will know that this time knows our secrets
better than lips can ever tell.
Nov 2019 · 84
firefly
KM Hanslik Nov 2019
Let's address who's the best while you try to suppress
the mess in your head, cause confession's long dead
**** doing the rest, this is all just a test
Pass/fail, no second chances when you're standing with us
Tired of cheap romances, your dance moves are a bust
Emancipated minors while the first class sit in diners
I'm getting slow so I can't find her but I know she's flying higher
Don't tell me you like her & try to wife her
when your hooks are in my spine, it's not a race against time
slow your pace to save face but still try to erase
the place you used to be and maybe you're too loose for me,
But they say beauty's in the eye of the beholder and I know this every time I hold her,
acting tough but even she could use a shoulder
to hold cause the days been getting colder,
more than one way to be a soldier and she's been
holding on for too long I wish the bad **** would stay gone,
Feet stuck in the sand, she's just looking for a hand

And too much meaningless static got me feeling erratic
like I'm trying to backflip over a panic attack with weights strapped
to my feet and still act meek
here's a sneak peak of what it's like to be up **** creek
Watch me try to dispatch nicotine patches and still-lit matches just to
bury the hatchet, shut the box and latch it
light the blunt and pass it, burn me down seven days of the week cause she's been
feeling a little bleak without the sun to warm her cheeks,
still we manage the damage and re-learn our own famished minds,
rent-a-friend when your self esteem's in a bind,
and I'll be yours if you'll be mine,
catching a vibe on the underside of a 50-foot dive, you're a firefly in my night sky and I
will always be here to catch you if you get too high.
Oct 2019 · 113
16
KM Hanslik Oct 2019
16
Save a place for me in the cupholder where we used to keep our ashes
lips pinned behind my teeth because you told me
to stop asking;
the silence weighs the price of speaking our thoughts:
on one hand, I don't want to live in a box,
on the other: but maybe I do?  Is it worse to long for a summer after it's over or to tell her you don't love her when you actually do?

Or third: a case of lips-are-sealed:
settle into a more stable kind of deal
the kind of "he-said-she-said" trust/intimacy-mindfuck
that's got me feeling 16 again, trying to get unstuck
from overlearning every kind of avoidance maneuver; commitment trying to glue her
into an origami statue, papercuts and tattoos

leftovers
sleepovers
halfhearted do-overs

and a season that has me constantly pressing "snooze"
#snooze #alarm #fall #sleep #rain #16 #nostalgia #memories #summer
Oct 2019 · 86
Untitled
KM Hanslik Oct 2019
A collection of things seem to change with the seasons,
October has my serotonin dropping now I'm aiming too high
gotta adjust for the extra time it takes to brush my teeth
in and out of sleeping but getting no rest
Bless my cup; it's a test and we've gotta keep on keeping on
a minefield of false alarms keep me awake but they're lost in the wake
of my head in the game, gotta loosen the reigns
I've been gripped too tightly before and it's a testament to my mother who grew up lacking
spoon-feeding me helplessness to tell me I'm slacking
sometimes I wanna share it just to show you how it tastes,
but that's a slow ride you don't want to take
Getting from A to B is knowing when to stay and when to leave
And it's whispered in the trees that one day I'm gonna breathe better;
one day I'm gonna breathe better

I'm breathing fire for the stimulation,
distress signals look more like an invitation
to attend an event I'm gonna regret,
just bet that I haven't done it yet
due to lack of conscience, lack of awareness
lack of knowing how best to wear this
feeling of want
and how to keep it in a box
but when I air it out the less I doubt
Gotta break down what this next fixation will be about.
Oct 2019 · 107
Untitled
KM Hanslik Oct 2019
Dreams can't die tonight
tonight the minutes are endless
tonight nobody has a death wish,
and there are so many stars in the sky tonight
a black room filled with twinkle lights
and I am only a character
just playing out my role
Sep 2019 · 283
ventilation
KM Hanslik Sep 2019
I need a yield sign; don't try to rewind
your drama on my time like a landmine
it's all fine when you unwind greasy fingers in my spine
don't cost you a dime
bang my line trying to choose sides
I'm a gold mine going half-blind and you're broke it's no joke
spitting up acid trying not to choke
your courtesy is a hoax, puffing smoke and pulling ropes
get to the point before the end of this joint
you're the king that I'd like to anoint
and I'm late to appoint better motive for your conscience
Petty thoughts and petty pensions
won't get you very far I'm not a martyr or a star
kicking rocks and stealing cars,
now you need a brace for lumbar support cuz your back is all wack from talking smack wrapped in bubble wrap
talking **** don't pay the rent that's money that could be better spent
and don't tell me that I'm heaven sent when I'm bruised and bent just as much as you
you can't tell me what is and isn't true
so don't treat me like a shiny toy
I don't need another reckless boy
shooting shots only to up and quit
when you miss the hit;
your words don't stick unless I want them to, cuz I'm not just a sad sack I know I've always got my own back
I'll stick to my word like glue until all the self fulfilled prophecies come true
and I'm up and coming hit the ground running; I know you want something,
but I want something too,
and no I don't need you I'm just trying to make it through
walk a couple steps in my shoes just to know
how heavy my feet drag to make it home
even though I'm not alone I still prefer some space to roam
you're looking for a clone looking like a homie,
feeling free and fly and foamy but you're just another phony
trying to make it out past 8 with no more incidents to date
but your apologies always arrive too late
get it straight, this isn't hate
there's just a lot filling up my plate
and yeah this might be blatant but your replies are always latent
and my days are better spent trying to climb a barbed wire fence or just getting my feet wet
below the bridge where we first met cuz I would rather talk than text and if you want to worry about what comes next,
just get it in your head there's always going to be a red light, an-i-can't-get-to-bed kind of night
but it's going to be alright I've still got a lot of fight
and I'll find new heights when your sanity strikes
a nerve, get a little anxious & swerve
avoiding conversation desperate for ventilation always
a fiend for escalation dip my toes in rash sensations still
searching for elation but there's patience in creation
there's always gonna be temptation, you've just gotta learn to face it;
if you find something good, don't waste it
my shower leaks into my basement
& sometimes you're so sad that I can taste it,
but that doesn't mean we aren't gonna make it
put my thoughts in a jar and shake it;
here's a penny for thoughts of annihilation
getting wasted in the parking lot of a vacant gas station;
here's to the nights of our youth spent sitting in booths,
it's a different game but the rules are the same
saying we've changed but we've still got our old names,
I've still got the time to tell you you're worth it,
don't worry so much about how everyone's words hit;

just tryna live for the ones who still sit behind bars,
at least I've still got the money to put gas in my car
and we've made it this far, despite this hungry desperation
despite the prices of inflation or the chaos in our nation
and even if this all spirals out of control I'll be up climbing the tightrope
mixing something less cutthroat just to bring you some slight hope
of a happy ending, when all else fails just keep pretending
cause you're gonna be okay, kid
you just gotta learn how to fake it.
Sep 2019 · 291
bad seed
KM Hanslik Sep 2019
It's 9:20 and my money
is on the fact that you don't give a ****,
guess I saw it coming but I'm tired of running
from everything that passes your lips
Fight-or-flight keeping me awake half the night
pay up or get out,
living in a state of constant drought
& listening to whatever ******* you're on about
slow work, waiting for grass to sprout,
but I guess we've had it handed to us, gotta reap what our ancestors have planted for us,
even if the seed is bad
can't be much worse than the days I've had.
Sep 2019 · 81
Hypocrite
KM Hanslik Sep 2019
"You just have different skills",
what, like fiending for pills
and running to the hills
every time my mother kisses my bruises because when I'm around her empathy loses
touch with reality I'm losing my accuracy
gravitating towards hypocrisy every time you try to bring out the best in me,
I think God had a blueprint for me but maybe I spilled too much tea
it got wiped out before I could see
and my errors only come in counts of three
because twice isn't enough to call my own bluff, I'm saying it's rough but really try to act tough
and I cry too much so I'm losing touch
searching for elation in a sense there's no relation
between innocence and patience
zero calorie sensations
curb my thirst and cut temptation
my flaw is I think everyone's amazing
pay no mind to the time they're wasting
don't give a **** about being lazy
leave me empty feeling crazy
Sep 2019 · 236
road to riches
KM Hanslik Sep 2019
Always getting me high on your own supply;
in this lighting, feels like a crime to cry
upturned palms, holding conversation with the sky
over & over we keep asking ourselves "why?"
Too damaged to give up, too tired to try
but on our worst days we still look each other in the eye
Don't worry, we aren't trying to die
And I tell you it's okay, you don't have to lie
anymore, even with your train en route to a dead-end drive-by,
you still light up my world every time we say goodbye;
still got 12 text messages failed to reply,
leave the situation on standby in case somebody's looking for a good time,
keep your shoulders high & expectations low;
when you rat me out, your lips move so slow
crash-n-burn cuz we've got all this time to **** & nowhere to go,
so why don't you turn me down low
burn through my feelings like cigarette holes
on your last good jacket & don't tell me no,
I'm not a ******* sunflower with only 6 weeks to grow,
I'm just trying to make it on my own time
feeling like a burden every time I ring your line,
getting real tired of all this petty crime
inhaling character flaws like they're coke lines,
asking me for a dollar when I ain't got a dime
tired of you acting like all the bad scenes are mine,
but thanks for giving a **** about how my accomplishments are measuring up,
on the road to riches but seems I've broke down stuck
watch me dig myself out as I listen to how bad
your life *****.
Sep 2019 · 541
ego trip
KM Hanslik Sep 2019
Lately, been on an ego trip
just trying not to flip my ****
or put my fists wherever they'll fit,
meet your skin and feel it rip
Been on a lifelong ego trip
telling myself just to go with it,
feeling lost and trying to sift
through all the *******, leaving matches lit
wherever I go, take a sip but swallow slow
feeling like I'm about to blow,
about to go off & I don't even know
how to make reparations
with all these half-strained relations,
half-numb sensations
eating away at my patience;
hit the ground running; touchdown on pavement
& you can ask me how my day went,
maybe you really do care
about global warming and solar flares,
but it's been rough even trying to comb my hair
hit me up like you've been there
or follow up with one of your blank stares,
but I'm good on that, I think I've had my share
trying not to go off in parking lots and coining insults on-the-spot
one-liner comebacks on-the-dot;

Been on a trip with my ego
just following wherever she goes
but she can take me down some dark roads,
I guess that's why I go with the flow
so much but I'm tryna break out of that
like trying not to swing when you're up to bat,
swimming in **** like a sewage rat,
Been riding my ego cause it gets me high
head in the gutter, middle fingers to the sky
leave my conscience on standby,
shooting shots like a drive-by,
ground zero and time to let these bullets fly
just another petty cry
for something we never knew was a lie
turns out we've been milking our will to live dry;
I think it's time to put our egos aside,
I think I wanna get off this ride.
Sep 2019 · 228
keep your head straight
KM Hanslik Sep 2019
We only smoke when breathing feels too slow
The harder you build me up the worse the letdown goes,
& I've been back and forth between my anxiety and the truth
only swallowing the pieces that'll go down smooth
It's a slippery *****, trying to hold onto hope
maybe someday you'll find some self worth in the dark
stop lighting fires with everything that holds a spark;
I've been living too long at half mast
letting my hazards flash at half past
3 when the **** wears off and nightmares have passed
and sleep can cut you a break but even that doesn't last,
living good but we've been living fast
too fast to see liberty, too fast to find sympathy
I've been living with this raw regret
that I won't see tomorrow, yet
I've still got dreams they've just lost their gleam
sugar coat the way my heart tears at its seams
and getting lost is just another means
to find the right path
stake your claim wherever you think it might last;
empires were built and destroyed
long before atomic bombs were deployed,
long before the middle class became unemployed
so don't be acting like you've seen it all before
like you've knocked on every door
even though you've hit the floor, there's a lot more than pain in store
work through your thoughts before picking at others' locks
some things aren't what they seem and aren't meant to be seen
but I believe the truth will come
over you before all's said and done,
keep your head where you can find it
don't get your ego locked behind it.
Aug 2019 · 239
daddy issues
KM Hanslik Aug 2019
Daddy issues been hitting different in inclement weather,
when I think of you now it's always I can do better
'cause my skin tells too many stories I don't want you to know,
& I walk with your shadow seeing me home
just to make sure I get in without another incident,
lately breaking in just ain't really doing it;
& there's not enough oxygen in this car for me to breathe,
but your heavy silence used to keep me grounded in my seat
used to brake at every light, just to make it a longer night
out past 3 with nothing new to see but your lips and the stars
slowly forgetting who we are
but it's been getting kinda hard to squint through the storm
with only patchwork memories to keep me warm
we used to fit together like tight-knit sweaters, nobody could do it better

but these daddy issues really be hitting way different with you not around,
way too many side-eye measurements of roof-to-ground,
hitchhiking rides from one emotion to the next,
rest-stop feelings dragging around my neck
but hey, it's gonna be okay,
I've got a drawer full of rope and the perfect lack of hope, so play
your cards right for another chance at me tonight
I'll withdraw from you like I'm going broke, puff me into smoke and I'll
disappear, got a little magic up my sleeve
just enough to convince you to leave

& I've got
loose lips in my car but make sure to keep my voice low,
why you tryna see me without a safe place to go?
You know I only get worse the longer I'm on the road,
and it feels like I've been running on E for a while,
stall the engine to **** my denial;
but I'm gonna find something one of these nights
that looks like you but without the will to die,
someone better at lying when they look me in the eye
but hey, props to you, I mean keep doing what you do,
and I'ma keep on with my twisted self-care regimes
suicidal tendencies only gettin' the best of me for about half the week;
every Thursday & Sunday trying to find a new thing,
scrape up just enough to rent out a temporary set of wings,
tryna to start a Fight Club in a parking lot
just concussed enough to finally get it to stop;
I can only imagine you after the temperatures drop
I'll smoke whatever you've got burning just tryna warm up
hell, I'd even drink if you filled my cup
and I don't really do that much anymore, sometimes sleep on the floor
trying to feel grounded 'cause my head's too high
man, these daddy issues be making it harder to fly
harder to feel, harder to try
hell, I've got to peel an onion anymore just to make myself cry,
so if you gonna **** with me you'd better be for real,
or ready to peel away with my at your heel
cause I'll snap back like a rubber band
do you really wanna see me with my knife in hand?
& there ain't gonna be any pre-game this time
so grind me down like a diamond
hard enough to break glass when I cut past
**** hitting the brakes, ain't enough at stake
I'm swerving steady, feeling over-ready, so when I stop you better drop the petty
Aug 2019 · 194
Tuesdays
KM Hanslik Aug 2019
Dress to impress,
my heart pumps in excess
she doesn't know how to slow down;
it's okay, neither do I.
The fastest way to stop is to meet a wall at point-blank range
I keep dodging conversations to avoid your name
and usually, I'm only this petty on Tuesdays;
guess it's just a special occasion,
or maybe that time of the year
car-crash, head abrasion
might do me better at this point in life,
you couldn't get a clue if it crawled up your ***
& maybe this is too much to ask,
but could you try hitting head-on next time?
This clip-my-shoulder-as-you-pass,
this don't-let-the-door-smack-you-in-the-back
thing isn't really doing it for me,
But I guess you can just call it an accident
a passing miss, disastrous plot twist
but I'm numb in every place you kissed
do me like a hit & run
but I remember where you live;
good thing I'm only this petty on Tuesdays.
**** love
KM Hanslik Aug 2019
There's a voice in my brain saying do it, do it
can't get it out of my head
drive with feet full of lead
learn to sleep like I'm dead
forget photographic memory, it's like a movie every time
I close my eyes
don't take my advice
I like to slip-n-slide
I guess life is just a ride
plunging straight out of the sky
I used to be afraid to die
now I just hope they'll make it quick
I mean, I'll go down swinging
just for the **** of it
but this dizzy drop makes me sick
Aug 2019 · 1.2k
bad at math
KM Hanslik Aug 2019
Last time I tried this hard
to add things up was Algebra II
I still **** at math, so I'm working through
each problem one at a time
my therapist says I shouldn't do that to people,
packed into boxes, expected to do what they say
but here I am all the same
four blue lines around your name
I guess I should just be glad you came,
**** an afterthought, I'm the ******* train
thought you could stand on the tracks, white flag in your hand
like I've already signed off on a 12-month lease
well, this year doesn't belong to you
it's doing fine just on its own;
you always saw me as a rolling stone,
a little too loose in the heart or the head
guess I was just that good in bed,
but oh, you wouldn't know, right?
It's not like you spent every other night
******* me in and out of sleep,
my name on your lips along with my skin
& all that ******* about losing to win-
no wonder I'm ******* struggling
to calculate the weight of words
only significant in certain contexts.
150 pounds feels like less on the moon,
unless you're the ******* ground carrying it
(pain is relative)
so go ahead, walk all over me
I'm like carbonation, feeling gravity-free
as pliable as your plastic Wal-Mart bags,
but even those are meant to be used again-
I'm just waiting to find out where & when.
Aug 2019 · 294
depression 101
KM Hanslik Aug 2019
One for the road
isn't enough to dull the thirst anymore;
you feel it in your chest,
I feel it in the pains in my lower back
when I try to reach for my dignity
they always place it on the highest shelf
my self-esteem too low to reach
so I guess I'll resort to using my teeth.
KM Hanslik Aug 2019
heavy-set in my ways
big ideas, small brains
prices down, running late
feels like the sun hasn't set for days but it's probably only been
like 16 hours since I last woke up
who knows
Aug 2019 · 224
shallowww
KM Hanslik Aug 2019
I could stick a knife
into the mud beneath the surface of your personality
(shallow)
And the depth of your promises
wouldn't even be enough to rust the blade,
so why does it feel like I'm drowning
when your words are so ******* empty
that I couldn't even wash my hands clean
whatever, the water looks ***** anyway.
Aug 2019 · 133
animal
KM Hanslik Aug 2019
Sometimes I'm really starting to feel it;
That's usually about the time it goes bad
I'm staring at the ground in a crowd, at the ceiling when I get home
locked doors but hey the windows are always open
it's like people put keys under the mat hoping someone will break in
hey, at least it would be something
have a conversation with me before you shoot me in the face
I'm down for whatever
just don't play my feelings
I'm not a slot machine
put in, put out
don't drag me around, attach me to your life like a sidecar
at least give me my own ****** leg room
I'm all for forgiving, but I don't do it because I want to
it's all I know how to
except myself, I don't ever learn
and I guess that's what ***** me over honestly
this **** is getting really heavy
good thing I'm built like an ox
beast of burden, quite literally
I can go for miles no shelter, no water
I don't know why I stay so loyal
guess it's just in my blood.
Jul 2019 · 524
scales
KM Hanslik Jul 2019
I used to be attracted to affection,
now I'm obsessed with the way your lips stutter
over certain words, like "fragile: do not open" is stuck
somewhere between your throat
and your teeth.
My heart is a fire extinguisher
"Break Glass In Case of Emergency"
but there have been enough 24 hour crisis lines
to keep us all alive
the only thing about it is
the number of times I've wanted to jump out onto the pavement,
the "too-close-for-comforts" started in the womb,
I was slow-milking my mother's blood,
every fist that flew too close,
every string she threaded through a bead
sequencing DNA
I guess I turned out alright,
if "alright" is a unit of measurement.
But our scales are all tailored
to fit our needs anyway.
Jul 2019 · 126
boats
KM Hanslik Jul 2019
Light tells all;
I am the cameraman,
the actors dance around me.
What they say is nonsensical,
two ways to tell a story:
Attached, or not.
I am a free-form lucid dream
I am cutting boats out to sea
you will find me there with the sun
and the tide
and become both.
You are afraid
steering your boat toward the nearest land mass,
I am the sand that leads
from shore to sea,
You only know you're alive in your head
sometimes, at best
come back out when you are ready.
Jul 2019 · 215
late fee
KM Hanslik Jul 2019
We read lips;
don't ask, but tell all
Walk like your heels are lit matches
(better just to stay away).
I never cross my arms when I'm out,
hands free, lungs exposed
I am writing to you about a late fee,
your conscience is 13 months overdue,
and I'm overdue in the bathroom
where I throw up behind your back,
where the sound of your voice outside the door
is all I need to take
to feel nothing.
Jul 2019 · 89
pay up
KM Hanslik Jul 2019
It was nice to have my favorite colors for a while,
until they weren't my favorite anymore.
I cant find a dead end anymore
seems like people keep forgetting to lock their doors
but resilience is not open-ended
I find a picture on a bookshelf and wonder whose it is,
thinking maybe I don't want to know
torture is a subjective concept
each of us use a different medium
lines are blurred; maybe it's my brain
I think the more I see the less I understand
and my strings aren't being pulled so much as guided now,
I sit on a hill and it feels like I am waiting
wind plunges from snow to rain
before I know it, I'll be getting paid again
Jul 2019 · 133
bedrock
KM Hanslik Jul 2019
I am only good at a few things
scraped knees, bruised knuckles, and apologizing
I am sorry if the latter means nothing to you
but I am trying to swim with a deadweight.
I am trying to dig through bedrock
And all I keep finding
is more and more ways
to be sorry.
Jun 2019 · 160
numb
KM Hanslik Jun 2019
This is a modern age of promises
don't want to say it too much in case I wear it out
my mother told me I was beautiful until I stopped believing her
my ex said he loved me as he jacked off blacked out
dark room smelling of sweat (I wanted to *****)
but laid there numb instead
I don't want you to stop believing me
I don't want to live in a dark room
but sometimes it just feels so familiar
and sometimes I want to love but it feels so numb
Jun 2019 · 138
elusive
KM Hanslik Jun 2019
folded hands.
preemptively apologetic.
Fruition is a mixed bag,
reality elusive.
Jun 2019 · 107
Cycles: without end
KM Hanslik Jun 2019
Exploration (comfort)
Demand (retreat)
Apologize (cry)
Begin a new world: "Are you sure you want to start over?"
Click "yes." Proceed.
Emptiness (creation)
Fear (challenge)
Discomfort (practice)
"Are you sure you want to exit this page? Your changes may not be saved."
Hit "exit." Determination.
Start over: NEW WORLD UNLOCKED.
Jun 2019 · 261
semi comfortable
KM Hanslik Jun 2019
Semi comfortable thing
Orange breast, black wings
She is my mother (I think)
The one who birthed me left a long time-ago
Protracted sunlight through the leaves
Oak, maple, sycamore
All the ones she told me about
And I am home in a basement
Concrete walls, concrete floor.
The air breathes sweat
Throwing damp into my nest

Styrofoam lungs
Starry fractal eyes
I can do anything, she says,
And falls to her knees
Semi-fragile thing
Assured by her head
Knowing better by heart

A window is broken
The house is silent but
She remembers exactly why
Exactly when
Hair chopped off a long time ago
I think my mother is coming home
Keys on the table
Sound of closing doors
Too soft but I can hear her footsteps
I am home in a basement
Concrete walls, concrete home
Conversation is on mute
But I hear everything.
Jun 2019 · 102
Shade
KM Hanslik Jun 2019
I think I'll understand you better when
the leaves fall off the trees
because everything looks different without
shadows.
You said that I was lost but
I did not believe you until
I was found
everything looks different without the shade.
Jun 2019 · 155
Definition: undefined.
KM Hanslik Jun 2019
I'm free
cities glow and blur beneath my feet;
if I was your telescope, you'd watch
until the night took away your stars.
If you were free, the trees would be still but
tethered we are to the push and the pull
water in my lungs (wash me clean)
fill me with salt, I will erode into the sand

affect/effect

nothing goes before anything.
Tie my wrists to my ankles (untie my shoelaces)
the waves know something
(I don't)
the planets may be waiting us out
we are tethered like birds;
no freer nor more trapped than the sand
pulling away, drifting back
and back; and pulling back toward (away from?) something
somewhere,
someone is standing

alone/surrounded
existing/not

somewhere between thought and being;
I am a million flowers that bloom & die all at once;
the earth explodes, harvests, repeats
It is not a mistake.
It is not calculated.
"Definition. - undefined"
Darkness is not the mere absence of light,
but an entity in&of itself.
Jun 2019 · 102
spaceship
KM Hanslik Jun 2019
I spend too much time
on my spaceship these days
"come back down, we need you"
a conversation is good
for a good several hours, depending
on the quality
I am up in my spaceship
I will come down eventually,
just not yet, I still
have work to do.
Jun 2019 · 653
airplane
KM Hanslik Jun 2019
Spinning, spinning, I'm an airplane
I'm a pinch of table salt
time spends money --> money burns because
it moves too fast
like your Rolex, like your hobby
grew too tall, now it is burning
twin towers, deliberate chaos
chaos (chaos), nothing
spins the wheels,
spinning spinning spinning
look out the window (it's invisible)
I can't see with my eyes or my brain
dissect me, simplest form, put me back in the ground
I am the dirt
equations illuminate questions,
answers don't exist

I'll have what they're having.
Jun 2019 · 285
Islands
KM Hanslik Jun 2019
Don't dig in this ground
I grow sprouts (I grow sprouts)
I am not made of stone
I can grow, I can mould
pick me apart,
piece by p i e c e
I am not a window,
I am a tapestry

You will never know
(you will never know)
I am an island,
wreck your ships upon me
because islands can erode
back into the sea.
Jun 2019 · 90
silent killers
KM Hanslik Jun 2019
Slow-lethal:
black rust in my arteries
black air in my lungs
Instant-"harmless":
knife blade
empty stomach
heavy eyes
KM Hanslik May 2019
I am giving myself over to her now
my wings blackened from the flight here
but she takes in all sorts of strays
they roll onto her doorstep like drunkards chasing dreams down the gutter,
warm embrace me now before it's too late
warm come-hold-my-hand-I-can't-do-this-alone
and she is always waiting
she is full of light and swaying over trees
she is heavy toppled over like a picket fence yet light as helium
and I want to know her
and I want to bask in her bed
and she is endless
and I will never know how many others have come before or how many my lineage will leave,
but I float away in time down a stream (so-narrow-tuck-my-limbs-in-scream)
at the edge of the bank,
my body shrinks and expands;
I am a crumbling masterpiece I am awaiting either 1) reconstruction, or 2) damnation
(reunification)
on a while, I ride my ego home
illusions are spellbinding in the jungle
she twists at my ankles, prickles under my skin
(am I in?) Who knows what kind of state this is
but through the wall, she calls to me
alone at last
we cease to be.
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