Trauma tried to mold me Hiding away I developed phobias Shrinking into myself He planted the layers of youth with deceit While I held the truth Dissociating and unfolding mentally My clothes, my body felt foreign His lips tried to instill shame I'm weary and shy now living with anxiousness Why did not anyone see this? I often ask why Blinded and fooled or just ignored? I want to be secure again and begin to heal Seize the moment to have control No longer a hostage in my own mind
I night dream, I day-dream Falling everyday As the distance calls for me I'm trying to cling for growth Yet , I'm searching for my obituary I memorized the words A flower face with electric taste Tiny shadow with a fierce force
Eating the night away With Jack on my tongue I forget my name Needles,patches and antipsychotics On this exotic edge of my release My waist has never been thin My ribs have never been a bird bath I'm to hungry to stay alive This hollow patched affair The shape of anxiety drowns me Forcing all the air from my lungs Lost lovers and forgotten friends Suddenly appear Tasting my words like never before Death is contagious As everyone sits in the shadows I'm surrendering to the ghosts I have made love to razor blades Had affairs with whiskey and pills Have danced over lines I said I would never cross
It was only tonight That while kissing my husband That I remembered that I despise wet lips and kisses I removed his saliva with the back of my hand Whiskers rubs is what he called them At first it was playful Eskimo kisses Daddy's lap His tight jeans Some soft lotion A movie But why again tonight?