I can’t keep being your second choice, not when you’re my first..

I’m beginning to know myself.
I don’t exist.
I’m the space between what I’d like to be and what others have made of me.

Right now, you’re asleep
Oh how I wish I was there with you
Stroking your back
Running my fingers through your hair
Our legs tangled together beneath the sheets
As I gently trace my fingers along your jaw line while counting each and every eyelash
And there’s so many things I could say to you
About how I want to make plans for just you and I
Or how much I love you
When I look at you
I see this person who makes me realize all the things I’ve wanted for so long
And I know you’re asleep
But you’re just a minute away
Darling, if all I ever do is walk through your dreams
At least I’ll be seeing you soon

I’m a trauma queen
Of course I stand quiet while I part the seas
How do you think I made it into Heaven
I’ve created my own blessings
Turned my hate into peace
I learned to touch me like a book’s crease
No one helped me
No one held me
No Gods or saviors, no hands of fate
I made myself into a saint
No preacher, no prayer to cry my name
I was just ******* and lit to flames
This world broke me and forced me to create me
Thought it could hang me in the family tree
I never needed their piece
I just needed me

I had to fall to learn that it’s okay to sin
I had to crawl to learn that I can stand
I had to fall to learn to walk again
They told me
Don’t be the victim
Lead with your wisdom
Don’t be afraid to change
Life’s always gonna be a little strange
I had to fall to learn to be okay
I had to kneel to my knees to learn to pray
I had to fall to learn that I can say what sober couldn’t say
I told me
Don’t be a coward
Lead with your power
Don’t be afraid of your failure
You are your savior
I had to fall to learn that I can cave
I had to stand to learn that I don’t need saved
I had to fall to learn that I am brave

I think I’m going to do it this time. I’m going to cut it out of me. Why?
I can’t deal with this anymore. It’s as simple as that. The world is an ocean that washes over me. The sound of the water is deafening. It drowns my heart. My panic becomes as large as the sun and my mind as little as the moon appears. I need release. I need to hurt me before the world can again. Then I can comfort myself. I’m going to make myself a river worth drowning in.