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At the edge of paranoia at times
Terrible feeling within
Todd means Fox
Thomas means the Twin

Time tick tocks
Exoplanets spin
Courage going forward
Despite my fears and sins

Don't know how it ends
Wait, slowly wait
One for Vincent Van Gogh
One for my wife Cate

Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Destiny, not Fate.
I'm not prejudiced
A racist
But I'll use words
Like ******
As much as I want to.
And I'll own it

No sin in it,
Sticks and stones
Am I alone in this?
Why do people ask? When theyre not willing to listen or understand or empathise with you. I was
More.., more than the labels you put on me. Before you harmed my spirit. It left me just a mere assumption now. Strange how they ask what is wrong with me showing such concern for me. But if you domt want to listen then why even bother to ask. World is a scary place. You dont get to decide what should hurt me what not. Im not what you think of me. I am what i think of myself. Criticism never bothered me unless i got it from someone i love. Not mentioning the fact that i gave warnings about my trigger point , "dont get on my knuckle, im barely getting it together please"... yet it went on and on. Which lead me to the edge of hurting myself. Attacking someones self esteem and confidence,. While ignoring their constant request not to do this to me and still doing it on purpose is worst you could do to someone. NO ons uses Mental health as as excuse CONSIDER that. Dont go the extent tht they wanna **** themself. Be careful they are fightimg the battle you would never know.  You cannot become powerful by pulling someone down constantly. I saw it and i felt it everyday . It was not just your opinion. But you were bringing me down and you were clearly enjoying it. Maturely i gave you many signs to stop it or either try to be gentle with me. But you ignored me. You never listen to me you just beilieve your own assumption. How does my self esteem not matter to you? Why do you love watching me on my knees? Or i just look best on my knees? Dont be little my pain. You were clearly bullying me. And dont navigate my feelings. You dont get to direct tht. It wasnt just your single opinion. You pulled up like 100 of reasons abt why im not good enough! Everydayyy!! How csn you be so cruel! And here, you are questioning me why i did what i did for thw damage you done to me. Seriously!?.. did i not mentioned clearly please dont gp there im already struggling with my self esteem. Dpmt break me. Dont break me. But you are deaf i think or you just do it on purpose. And then you call me weak. I was fighting internally with my depression and low self esteem. You were supposed to cheer me up..but did the exact opposite and made it worse. These damage you put me thru makes me awake at 5 in the morning. Dont make anyone feel so worst abt themself and then act like you have done nothing. Dont play dumb. And dont act like im a immatured *** these assumptions are not gonna help you to hide the harm you caused to me. I wont forgive this! Not only this but you adrressed my mental health as excuse.  Did i asked you to help me in my tough times to help me realize my self esteem? No! I was dealing with it all alone. Somehow you seen me struggling there and decided to stab me. I saw it in your eyes how you were enjoying it and how low i think of myself didnt matter to you! Here i am coping with voices in my head tht you put there. No matter what i think now they just wont shut up. This note is all gonna be useless. You wont empathise me. You even criticise me for my good english. I cannot beilieve you. I stick with you and cheered you up when you were having hard time with yourself and this is how you repay me!?. Well, Thanku for Nothing and your silly judgements. But I AM not your JUDGement. I will bring out who truly i am. Your judgements, criticism and assumption all has to fade.
Is this what I deserve?
This half care
You lay down in my bed
And I wonder if this is where you should be?
I got this headache on me
I do things I dont want to
But Im learning to not care so much about you
Its been more than a year and you're still a ****
Maybe I have bad taste in men
It ends in that
Maybe you were never good at all for me
You just played yourself very well
Now I cant seem to let you go
I dont want to end up alone
No one has shown up
No one to replace you that I care enough to meet
I dont want to shed any tears
I just want to be mean
And not give you so much power
And push you away
as young as
I was
not so

Sara Fielder Β© Mar 2023
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