There is a story that I'm told:
When I was only six years old,
A playmate I met in Uni parks;
When her mother found out that I
Lived just past the marsh,
I was declared bad company.
To which I did reply:
"When I am rich and famous,
I won't treat you as you have treated me."
Since then, I have met many an ignoramus
But never 'til this evening, did I recall the reply,
Of a hurt, stung, but sage and sweet child: The six year old I.

I just did a thing and I am terrified. I don't know if it's the right thing or the wrong thing. I mean I don't think it's wrong. But I am still terrified. I am terrified of being rejected by people all over again. All my life, people have rejected me, my thoughts. All my life all I have seen is rejection from everybody else. And I am terrified. I am terrified whenever I put myself out there that people reject me for some reason. That people will say that I am wrong. And I don't wanna feel that again. I just can't. It breaks me down everytime I feel that.

It's a bad ******* feeling. Feeling attacked. Feeling that there is something wrong with me. Feeling that they will **** me one day. I have felt it all my life. Everytime I put myself out there, I get rejected and looked down on and it doesn't feel good.

I hate people. And why wouldn't I? They never accepted me. They never accepted who I am. They never respected me. All they have ever done is talk behind my back about how aweful I am and attacked me when the time was right. Why wouldn't I hate people? But it is what it is. What can I do? I have found a way to live my life, but there's a part of me that still wants everything that I can't have and I cannot help it. It's my human condition. Everyone wants to feel loved. That's just how it is.

WHAT IS

the matter

YOU USED

MY HEART

For

      S                  


         C


            A
          

               T


                 T


                   E
              

                     R
                  
          

© 2021 Carol Natasha Diviney

The theory of communism may be summed up in the single sentence: Abolition of private property. — Karl Marx, 1818-1883, German philosopher

"Everyone may be called 'comrade,' but some comrades have the power of life and death over other comrades." — Thomas Sowell

​If anything is certain, it is that I myself am not a Marxist.— Karl Marx, 1818-1883, German philosopher

“Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.” — Frank Zappa (1940-1993), American musician

The left claims that the guilty party in a conflict is not the one who wants to take another person’s goods, but the one who defends his own. — Nicolas Gomez Davila, 1913-1994, Colombian writer

The whole secret of the campaigns unleashed against Spain can be explained in two words: masonry and communism...we have to extirpate these two evils from our land. -- Francisco Franco


“I see in Communism the focus of the concentrated evil of our time.” -- Whittaker Chambers


“Communism destroys democracy. Democracy can also destroy Communism.” -- Andre Malraux


“For us in Russia communism is a dead dog. For many people in the West, it is still a living lion.” -- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn


“My grandparents and my mom came from Cuba back in the '60s because they were fleeing from communism and Castro. I wouldn't be here otherwise.” -- Lauren Jauregui

“I have taken an oath in my heart to oppose communism until the day I die.” -- Eldridge Cleaver

“Let's not talk about Communism. Communism was just an idea, just pie in the sky.” -- Boris Yeltsin

“Communism brought out the worst in human nature and crippled people's ability or ambition to participate in a market economy.” -- Thomas Woods


“I have lived under totalitarian Communism, so I prize freedom as much as anyone and have long fought for freedom of conscience and speech.” -- Os Guinness

“Communism didn't work because people weren't ready for it, it was corrupt, and because it squelched individualism.” -- Tom Shadyac


“We need the private sector to create jobs. If the government could create jobs communism would have worked, but it didn't.” -- Tim Scott


“In communism, we never had any freedom -- of movement, of speech, of press. We didn't even make own decisions for our lives, our future. We were human robots.” -- Lee Hyeon-******>

“Technology helped end communism by bringing in information from the outside.” -- **** Walesa

“From a monarchy followed by suffering under communism, Ethiopians must be given the opportunity to flourish under the greatest of systems – democracy.” -- Jack Kingston

“Communism is in conflict with human nature.” -- Ernest Renan


“During my childhood in the Cold War, my family saw America as a great ally in our common struggle to keep back Soviet communism.” -- Gavin Esler

“It would have been difficult to design a path out of communism worse than the one that has been followed.” -- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn


“The real evil of the Russian communist state is not communism. It is the secret police and the concentration camp.” -- John Boyd Orr


“Communism feeds on aggression, hatred, and the imprisonment of men's minds and souls. This shall not take root in the United States.” -- Emanuel Celler


“Communism was meant to be an alternative religion.” -- David Miliband

I embarked on a journey to ask myself this question for 30 days;

What filled me with enthusiasm today?

Relishing in the joy that I am able to move my body run and jump and stretch and climb and love, I am fuelled by the thought these motions could leave me at any moment

Because I remember when I could barely walk down the street
My body remembers

Being powerful in the face of fear filled me with enthusiasm
Leading others, speaking for those who couldn’t

Because I remember when I couldn’t
and I remember when I was powerless

I was filled with enthusiasm when I saw her
She makes me feel at home and alive and free and joyous and proud of her

Because I remember when she saw me when others walked by
She stayed
She listened
She led me out of the dark

And him
He is calm
He is resilient
Patient with me and loving and I want hear about what he thinks the clouds look like and hold his hand in silence and

And I was filled with enthusiasm when I let the sun warm my skin and the flowers oh the flowers,  what did we do to deserve them
The ones that persistently press through the concrete for no one but themselves

I was filled with enthusiasm when I realized that this
this is it

I used to write poems about being incapable of being fulfilled and alive and I determined
“I will never be full”

But this is it
Here I am
Filled
with more than I could ever have imagined

AN ANABOOBOO!

She takes off
all her clothes

just for
the fun of it

every now & then I
catch a glimpse

of naked ***

as it runs not   here
or there   but helter-skelter.

She who only
mastered the art of walking

not so long ago

now glorying
in her limbs.

'Hey Cherub! '
I call out to her

& she turns
& comes

not because she's
understood

but understands the love
dripping form the words

an honeycomb
of language.

She tries to clothe
the nakedness of her

experiences

in a dress
of words.

She is surprised
to find

that her
anabooboo

doesn't stick
to the cat

and the cat
wanders aimlessly off

discarding with disdain
her attempt

at naming him.

Soon the cat
will become its sound

(me! how?)  

then finally
making it to being

C A T
(just like that) .

It's a long journey
into knowing.

I almost prefer
her almost Martian naming

her alien
way of seeing.

I curtly call the cat that
and even name the next cat that

an ANABOOBOO

and still can drive her
mad

years later
in a future far from here

calling my teenage
daughter

to say her date
is here.

'Hey Anabooboo! '

& see a blushing
Princess

descending the stairs

lithe of limb
and(thankfully)  

fully clothed!



I draw/spell her
C/A/T
she copycats my cat



Teaching Tilly her letters in the long long ago...it's funny the little scraps that survive the years. I tore a bit off an old copy book and scribbled this C/A/T into being to her great delight...and here he is still prowling about in his own peculiar C/A/T way.

A flower is similar to dating,
Looks super sweet and will last for a long time.
Until the pedals start to slowly disappear, leaving an empty stem.
Then you look for a newer and prettier one,
Hoping this time, it will last longer than the last.
Ever understanding why it keeps getting old but never giving it attention.