"Hamlet with Benedict Cumberbatch. Very good. Thank you Marshall."

My heart pounds.
I repeat these lines
I smile
I hear her voice.

I hear her voice.

Add a poem
Write a poem my eyes dilated
She wears that shirt and my thoughts expand
Beyond the fibers of her thread and green
I breathe.
Green and green and green again
This light is white for not much longer,
Green.

I'm not yellow, she is blue.
I don't drink purple
And our wavelengths are resonant.

This is nonsense to ask if you but her and she and they and them.
Not one
but all could solve
This riddle. But Christ I want
To be more plain. I feel you.
In my eyes my chest my hands my brain my past my present.
I hear your voice and that is not a skill I have.

Six hundred feet away
The PA system of the nearby school comes on

Ding **** ding
"Good afternoon students! Let's have a wonderful afternoon here at __ Academy!"

I wake up and look around and realize I'm okay.
I have no overwhelming desire to die or eat or cry or complain or to really do anything.

I'm happy.

Blended my brain and my eyes roll back and see red
Purple every night to escape my head
It's death.

Intoxicating these toxic thoughts escapes them
I'm trapped and hated
And I can't make it.

I close my eyes and I see her or a barrel
And it's terrible.

The solution to my life
Is to accept it as my vice
And accept that I'm not fine.

I am arms and I grasp
And they can't accept that
I'm crass
And my thoughts are black
I can't
Make up for the lack
Of passion
Society hasn't.

I breathe you.
I breathe you in the first breath I take every morning
I taste you in the NyQuil I have to abuse before I can sleep
I see you in the purple dreams I remember every night

NIGHTMARES

I have nightmares of you.
I nightmare you in my inadequacy and my ignorance
I nightmare you in my clothing and the way I cut my hair
I nightmare you in the tumblr girls I reblog
I nightmare you in the way my breath shortens when I can't breathe you and when I don't want to breathe you.
Asthma attack, you're my air and I loathe you
I want to suffocate but I can't keep suffering like this
I NEED AIR.
REAL AIR.
NOT THIS HELL.

I want to breathe air.
I don't want to breathe you.
I want to dream dreams,
Not nightmares.

You have total grasp of my mind
And you don't even know.

These feelings in my head were so exciting
The sparkles on her cheek were so shiny
And everything was right
And **** I'm whining.

I knew I would catch her shying
But God I wanted to keep trying

To feel my heart pump- no lying
Was nostalgic and brightening

And I want to make her smile and laugh
And pay for her vegan sandwiches
And stare into campfires with her
Drinking stolen *****.

Deconstruct the patriarchy and stand together at protests and fight corporations from the inside.

And now I want to cry.

She controls my brain
I control my brain
She controls my brain.
I fixate.

Shells I see in all of you
Shells on the outside too,
Flesh prison I've heard it called
I'm sure to you this isn't new,

The image of us is too simple,
These cages trap our earthly being
Much like the fence around a temple
There's sometimes more than what you're seeing.

But I don't see much anymore,
Not inside or out.
My *** drive is long past dead,
And much of my hope has gone south

I don't think that we are more
Than what we appear to be,
The furthest edges of our actions
Are an embodiment of our personality,

People are and always have been
Little more than animals,
We have a human drive in us
But we don't know how to handle it,

We **** and hate and **** and steal
And do all that we can,
It is within the bounds of life
To take everything in hand.

I'm sick and tired of trying.
I fought so hard for you.
This country, our world,
My brothers and sisters
I abandon the whole lot of you.

I'm leaving, mentally,
Emotionally,
And soon, physically.
You are not worth my time.

I will visit the lands of old
and make clear the separated line.
"I'm here, not there, don't beg for me
You wasted your only chance.
Everything you know and love
Will succumb to ignorance's dance."

Things around here are not better,
Nor will they ever be.
Goodbye, I'm gone, I've done my time
Try not to miss me when I leave.

Sometimes I get stopped by trains,
It gives me time to reflect,
Am I better there or am I better here
And where can I be my best?

There's a world waiting behind these roads,
A world I may never see,
If I stay here in this town of crossing
How could I know what I could be?

The ocean stands beyond the tracks,
And my happiness is with it,
I'm one step closer to the sands
And buying myself a ticket,

But I know I won't be happy there.
I won't be happy anywhere.
Its not a place or a point or even a person,
My happiness escapes my fate
And over time it worsens.

Over time my happiness becomes my
Sorrow and then my death.
So this town of crossing may see the passing
Of one more soul named Marshall.
Because I was always my best.

To Tyler,

My bestest friend of all these years of developing youth and developing adult,
I will you my rifle. Produced under scrutiny, post-war, blued by Chinese furnaces and inspected by communist advisers. I assign this to you my friend in hope that you will recognize more in this object than its role in my suicide. Guns are not the enemy, only the tool. The tool of my execution carried out by the enemy, Our world. And Our society. And Our suffering.

This rifle, my prize. Is accurate. And powerful. And a threat to 5 lives at a time. A symbol of my free will, dissolved into the blood stains and skull fragments laced on its finely carved wooden stock.

In my life, I had loaned to you this talisman of my depression,
But now, in the wake of my death, you will see the weight of my previous actions. My prolonging of life and effort to resolve the suffering and dread I endure.

Tyler. *******. T-Swens. Sweeny Todd. Squidward. Twizzler. Squib.
Many names you have been known by myself and our peers, but erasing human choice and force, you have been known to me and my soul as a Savior of myself for far too long. You have been Beacon for my hope, Home to my catharsis, Shelter to my heart and Medic to my wounds. I love you as most one person can love another without supporting the same roof with the pillars of our spines. I love you as a brother and friend and father and son and twin soul and caring teacher and patient keeper. We are two peas as they say. We finish each other's thoughts. We read the same material and play the same games and breathe the same circles and eat the same vocabulary and sneeze the same curses.

Like two strings of ivy, supporting one another as they grow and twirl. We fight each other in attempts to suffocate our foefriend, at the same time as relying on our friendfoe for the support to grow higher and steal more light. I love you my ivy brother. And I apologize for everything.

Please do not take my death too hard. Mourn and grieve and move on. I was not a cinder block for your foundation. I was a twin building. Of sister architecture and of sister glasswork. We stood for not one score before my sore soul was stole by this full world. You will stand further. And I admire you for it, as much as I pity you for having to endure this slow acid rain and littering of broken cans and smoke rings.

Rest in peace for me, because there is no rest in death, you know this.

- Marshall. Jackledead. Pompous and loud ******* and drama queen. Forever friend.

Do you pretend that pain does not exist,
That my presence is irrelevant?
Maybe it is not pretend for you.

I'm here looking up at your shadow as
You walk over me and walk alone
In San Diego. The city of my youth my home
Away from home.

You are, that city, my heart away from my heart.
Beating and ebbing as the waves on the sand,
The arteries ache and stretch with the breath of my distaste,

I feel something with you gone.

And with you here. But that's not now because you're there,
Healing and skating and smoking with strangers
And taking pictures to remember being 19
in the tunnels
like the veins heading away from me.

19 lines to describe what eye feel when you ignore
Something you said was unique.

******* Anne. I ache.

Love has never hurt me. As negative and as pessimistic as I can be, I love love. Nothing negative has ever come from being so wholly connected to another person.

Love is indescribable. If it means anything, I still think of Annie every day. Every time I look up at the stars I see her pale skin and her York peppermint patty eyes. I miss her everyday. And I think about what she's doing over in San Diego and if she has enough to eat and if she's safe and if people treat her right. And I want to follow her, but I choose not to because I love her enough to let her go. I know she wouldn't have me now, and I won't force it. But I love her and I want her to be okay. And if she comes to me one day, I will be happy, and if she doesn't, I will still be happy to have loved her and been with her.

I dream with her. About her. And I sing songs about what it was like to be blessed by her. I remember the smell of her hair and how soft her cheeks were when I touched them. I remember holding her in my arms as we looking at children's puzzle books and solving them together. Laughing and smiling so innocently. I'm smiling now, even knowing I almost ended my life days ago. Even knowing I may never see or speak to Annie Wright again. I loved her and that was pure and is pure.

Keeping my head above water.

That's what these days have become.

No longer do I enjoy this ocean but I drown,
Ounce by ounce my stomach then my lungs fill with sea salt and I wretch in my wade,
I will soon succumb to the endless expanse
And I will be forgotten.
Like everything
Always
Is.

I long for that cold, blued steel against my skin as I anticipate the end.
I could easily take my life.
In the corner rests my rifle and cartridges.

I don't know why I don't do it.
I don't like living and I don't appreciate my days.
Joyless. No afterlife. Nothing.
So why don't I just
*Tie this knot.

I can't believe I wasted the stars on you.

Lying naked on the bathroom floor,
It's three a.m.,
I don't know what I was searching for,
Maybe just to see you again.

I know that when I saw you, it was bliss,
God I knew that we would get along,
I knew that this was finally it, but I guess,
I guess I knew wrong.

Sweat,
By god you make me burn,
The fire lit, the charcoal glowing
I feel it once more
I'm functioning
This furnace burns
Bright as day.

When I'm with you,
*My hard shell
Turns soft and human.

I tried to write last night about my mother,
And all the hurt she gave me.
But as I wrote and as I rhymed,
I got lost
In
My
Thoughts.

I am hurt and I am harmed and I am heavy from said pain.
It's been 9 years and it still hurts.

I want to forgive her for selling out my love,
I really ******* do,
But I CANT.
I CANT FORGIVE HER FOR BEING SUBHUMAN,
SELFISH,
SHALLOW.

You threw away your children,
Your family.

I just don't understand.

God,
You ****** me up.
There's damage here that's permanent, unchanged, unchanging.
I will never be the same since you've harmed me.
Sure, I've grown and
Sure, I've learned,
but ****
I will never be the same.

I will always seek the comfort you changed my psychology to crave,
I will always reach out at night to grab the body that isn't there.
I will always be the remnants of a scar on a short part of your life,
But you will always be so much more in mine.

I wish I could cut you out like a tumor,
Take a knife, sharp as day, and slice at these memories and scars,
Slash until you're gone.

Please just, go.

<deleted>

We cannot measure the nights we have,
Until they're all up,
Each beat of heart could be your last,
And fade you into dust.

So why do we fret over the smallest bauble,
And fight about it all,
Why close our ears when pain is audible,
Not answering the call.

From ashes to ashes we all circulate,
And search for meaning,
This sense of dread we can all relate,
We all have this needing.

So fight nought with your brother,
We are the same flesh,
Embrace the sameness of each other,
Embrace this human mesh.

We were put on this earth to suffer,
And that is what we're gonna do.

I lay awake so late at night and stare up at the ceiling,
I want to write I want to create some form to capture my feelings,
But my brain so dazed and tired cannot form the right thoughts,
And so it must analyze itself to create something of meaning.

I wish I could write sonnets aplenty, haikus flowing abound,
I wish I could grace this digital world with strokes and words unknown,
But instead I am trapped behind this wall of gray called writer's block,
And cannot capture these feelings of youth and trust and love,
but at least I am trying.

You must give me that.

You can't delete this,
These moments are eternal.
In each others' arms.

Time passes slowly
Within your blessing presence,
The air becomes light.

Kissing your cheeks soft,
Long hair gently in my face,
Your bright eyes on me.

I wish nothing else
These endless nights of embrace,
Patches on my soul.

Every time I awake from slumber,
I glance around my room,
Expecting to see you here.

I sleep with my door unlocked.
*You know this.

Loneliness is the manila color which enchants paper as it ages.
It grows old and musky regardless of how many eyes look upon its texture.
It reaches the air of abandonment more quickly when exposed to the atmosphere and light.

An unexposed paper will stay pristine longer.
It doesn't know vacancy and longing.
It never had someone in the first place.

I turn my head left first,
Instead of right,
When I leave my apartment.

To see if you're there.

I have delayed writing about you
Because I know that if I do
I will develop feelings for you.

Its not that feelings are that bad
Just that they can't be taken back,
And that thought drives me mad.

But as I sit here avoiding the write,
My true feelings have come into light
And I have found that what I want is for us to be right.

I feel like such a fool
Laughing this hard, smiling this hard, not keeping my cool,
My mask fades when we speak and so do my tools.

Strawberry blonde...
It makes me giddy how I am fond
Of that description, particularly when you respond.

In your presence, I don't manipulate,
I can only manage to speak straight,
My ego you sedate-
Take what I have to say with weight.

These nights are what I hope these years would have been,
Laughing away until the early morn when I speak my way into your dreams,
The time we have here is but our only time upon this earth,
And every choice we make will be sealed in the fate that is called time,
For we cannot go backwards or forwards only one direction which is now,
Streaking campus, shoving food in to our mouth only to gag and make our friends laugh,
I know it sounds stupid to most of you,

But these memories are my years and months and days, these memories are the semesters of hard work and hours, of blood and sweat and toil which has driven me insane,

I am finally having the fun I was promised when I was given this gift called life, and you do not dare take that away from me.

I know that when I search hardest, it's impossible to find the words to describe my experience with you.

I often end up using unintelligible words, such as God, ****, oh, wow, or simply smiling so hard I can't speak.

I'm grateful that we live at the same time, we could have been years, decades, or lifetimes apart.

But here we are, perfect in the moments that we have, embracing each other as we are, and using each others strengths and weaknesses to compensate for our own.

We are so powerful as people.

You and me.
We are strength.

I feel young again around these girls,
This constant attention,
Playing the dating game.

Wooing and flirting and wanting,
I feel like I'm eighteen,
Which is convenient because I am.

It feels so nice to have no strings pulled,
I am liberated from concrete
And allowed to be me again.

Watch out ladies,
Here I come.

There's only one thing about this situation,
And it's that you don't like me
Like I
Like you.

I can see it in your eyes Hailee,
Or rather the fact that
I never
Catch them.

When I look at you, you don't look back,
Your eyes don't dilate and I doubt
That you
Feel warm.

I didn't think I could feel this much
Care. For another person again.

But Hailee, I felt it for you.
The warmth inside of my chest and gut,
My face and arms and torso diffusing
Adrenaline.

I care for you, you are an amazing individual,
And it's okay that you don't feel it back.

I'm not your type anyway.

I couldn't breathe today when I considered certain possibilities,
I am so
T
O
R
N
.

I am bruised and glistening,
Attempting to collect what I can of myself for you,
So you could see
The truth.

I want to apologize for all these months,
But the time healed not only my wounds
But grew me a new heart
Wrapped in a salty, sharp, piercing, sincere, untameable soul,
GOD!
Gathering these thoughts is impossible for me
You destroy them,
I reorganize this tesselating mess of feelings and passion and appreciation
Only for you to smile or laugh or SPEAK
And blow the chains I forged apart,
And once again the wings flap inside me.

I want to be plain, speak clearly, but I can't grab them all,
All these lights inside me.

You have contributed to the construction of an indescribable sun inside of me,
The envy of Sol
For its vitality, mass and luminescence.
IRIDESCENT
                       you are!
It's killing me, your brightness,
For I cannot guarantee a proper expression into words and action
Conveying what I feel
And why I want to worship
The sun.
Blind.

I should stop.
You are a girl, a woman new to this same world as I,
Please do not over think,
Simply
Consider
me.

I didn't get much sleep last night
I wish you could guess why,
I couldn't get my heart off you
I couldn't control my mind.

When I consider your smile and laugh
The
Butterflies don't fly away
For lack of a better term they stay,
And
Grow.

That honey you call your hair,
The way your face wrinkles while you laugh,
You are something else entirely
An entity unable to be enumerated,
Entrapped, encroached upon,
Earthly, eager, but unearthy,
Eloquent and effortless,
Elevated above others.

To put it lightly,
I favor you.
and Admire.

The world isn't as you know it,
Everything is a lie.
Nothing has substantiality,
And everything is subjective,
And nothing is ever right.

We distract ourselves with the little things,
And don't see what's going on.
We play our little games,
And **** like it has meaning,
We pretend that nothing is wrong.

We don't see behind the scenes,
In fact nobody really does.
We fight these wars,
We **** these people,
And will ourselves to shed blood.

And no, I don't have the answers,
I don't think anyone does.
But I do know that if
We keep going like this,
The world will end just cause.

Destroyed by one text.

I want to stop.

There's this sort of guilt I feel for moving on,
From straying from the past.
One day she was gone, just silence,
I didn't know how long it'd last.

I moved on, mentally, physically, emotionally,
And yet I think
About her and her voice and I think about
How she would sing.

I'm sorry I've found love,
I'm sorry I'm happy here,
I'm sorry I had to move,
I'm sorry but I'm not sorry.

It hurts, I know, but we can grow.
That's the human condition.

And I hope and pray that you can move
Past this great division.

I don't have your privilege,
I can't cheat,
I can't stray away.

You're gorgeous,
I'm ugly,
I can't just go and say

"Hey **** me,
Okay.
Please just love me."

I can't do that.
Because I am.
Ugly.

I'm a pacer.
It gets me places.
It gets me out of my head.

I walk
I turn
I walk some more,
And I calm down from what was said.

Ze said it's self soothing.
I say it's just anxiety.

I say it's torture because I have to choose,
Do I let my feet ache,
Or my head.

There's a virus in this school called hatred,
It finds your happiness and takes it.
It writhes in your pocket,
Sounds much like gossip,
And leaves your heart bare and naked.

Let me be miserable.

I see my nails scratch my wrist bare,
Exposing my veins and arteries,
My skin peels back, splits open.

I see nothing abnormal.

Do I have to conquer this demon inside me?
Or can I let him flourish?

Do I have to restrict my god given right of self pleasure,
For the benefit of us both?

I want to let him roar, stroke his mane and feed him.

But his stomach will sit empty for now.