A heart could tell a lot of it could talk,
But my heartbeat could tell you just as much.
It tells me that I have anxiety,
And that I do not know how to calm down.

My lungs could tell a lot if they could talk.
I hear the air but not the flesh itself,
I hear the pain, the scare, the ache inside,
I hear the lack of any laugh at all.

My brain could tell a lot if it could talk.
"My mom left me when I was ten years old,"
"My dad is an alcoholic *******,"
"I have a future unlike both of them."

I can't catch my breath.
Every other minute it just gets deeper, faster.
This is anxiety. This is hell.
The protruding image of destroying myself is circulating
And impeding my actions on Earth.
I can't focus.
I can't breathe.
I can't sleep.
I stood in the cold for twenty minutes just to try.

This isn't fair. I'm sorry.
I'm not okay.
I know it isn't fair.

Where the image of tearing my veins to shreds plays over and over.
This broken record of ****** drowning.

How do you expect me sleep
With you circling every thought.

Like the leaves of autumn,
You're everywhere I walk.

And stepping on these leaves of yours
Produces my favorite sound.

Tonight that sound is too loud to sleep through.

I can't capture these emotions with words.

I feel like I could kiss you,
And my lips wouldn't feel like ice or mercury or death. Rather...

Warmth.
Not the kind of warmth you feel with a new pair of wool socks.

The kind of warmth you feel when your 6 foot 6 football-playing-friend embraces you like a lovable toothpick after his workout.
Where the sweat drips on your cheeks and forehead, and your legs lift off the ground and you know he truly loves you as a friend.

It's more that kind of love.
But still not quite.



The kind of warmth you feel when everyone is asleep and you're sitting in the darkness alone, dozens of miles from settlement, and you've kept the campfire going. The sun is starting to rise, you can see the blue in the sky. The heavy blanket around your body has protected you from the piercing cold. And you hear that zipper of the tent come undone and you see the white of a smile.

That kind of warmth.

Wine from two jugs tastes as good as from one.

The strings of a harp vibrate independently to sing the same song.

The Oak and the Cypress cannot grow in each other's shade.

And the pillars of a temple must be separated to hold the weight above them.

To understate,
You are a seed,
The beginning of a tree.

You will grow and you will blossom,
And you will bear fruit and leaves.

So what am I.

The picker of fruit?
Spreader of pollen?
Maybe a tree, a bush?

You can,
And will
Exist without me.

This is an understatement.

Rather, you are a red giant,
A star ready to blow, expand.

Supernova.

Space-dust.
The elements for life.

I can feel it.
There's something.
Or nothing. But it's there.
I can feel the hatred.
Or rather I can feel the hated.
I only feel the hated.

"I don't want to be forgotten."
"I don't want to forget you."

*It's too bad things change.

If you walk through a forest, you leave footprints.
And the footprints you left is one ****** nail print,
Several long blonde hairs,
And a circulating memory.

Circulating strands,
Your passionate scratches,
That embrace.

Why didn't this happen sooner.

I was dumb and I was young and I thought I was ready.

I thought I wanted it.

Society told me, from day ONE
          That I did.
Nature told me, from day ONE
          That I did.
I convinced myself, from day ONE
          That I did.

And her body said
          "Marshall, you know you want it."
                    And so I did.


For months after that I hated myself.
I wanted to carve out those memories
         With any knife I could find.
I had betrayed myself
          And no sympathy or empathy could find me.
I had prepared myself for failure and executed it beautifully.
I had obeyed the hormones in my brain
          And the actors on TV.
I had become a product of society and evolution
          And I should have been happy
                    But. I. Wasn't.
My dreams became nightmares before
I could even fall asleep at night.

I wanted to forget.
But it's hard to forget one's own downfall.
One's own betrayal.

The scar tissue on my brain
Brought back all the pain,
No matter how hard I tried to fight,
I kept bringing myself back to that night.

                                                  I want to forget.

There's few things God and I have in common.
But I can think of one.

I get lost in your eyes. Figuratively.
And He got lost in your eyes. Literally.

And does my heart beat for the thought of her,
Or is it the presence of her comfort,
That makes me feel like I am so **** sure
That she and I could be such great lovers.
Is it the fact that she can laugh so great
That I am sure the gods boom and smile too,
Or is it how she stealthily speaks weight
Through the actions she takes in telling truth.
She takes me on some sort of shocking flight
When I search for what I truly do feel,
She makes easy the fire and stops the fight,
She takes the tall monster and makes him kneel.

We are based on a foundation of trust,
Which tells me that this is not just some lust.

Those roads that lead from here,
I want them.
I want the stories in their cracks and the sand within their grooves.

I want the
Click
Clack
Click
Clack
Of shoes against their grain.

I want the drops of oil
And smell of winter when it comes.

I want to leave.

Please don't talk about him.
My brain, my eyes, my fist,
Strain.

Expose me not to demons but your divinity,
That of you which belongs to another realm,
Another cloud, another time.
Expose yourself not to those eyes and that hair,
He endows himself the world and gives not
Care.

Ease me, or at least
Tolerate.
Because, honestly,
You please me,
And you see me
And lead me away from death.

And I don't want to die.

After the snapshots of North Carolina,
And the explanation of parasitic brainwashing,
I found the section on beef.

I found the young man, a photographer,
Whom had moved into an apartment with a girl
And her yellow shorts.

A barbeque, a welcoming party.

And my innocent blood froze when I saw
That gray dress with polka dots
And those legs from underneath it,
And the short-cut, red-brown hair,
Pale skin and back-of-the-neck
Of the woman whom I conceded my faith
My will, my being,
And my hand.

I closed the magazine and walked away,
Stunted.

"Are you Mormon?"
"Nope."
"Sweet."

If I search my depths I cannot find
the reason why I hate you,
I know I've searched and I know I've tried
And I know I can't escape you,

It's been years and years it's been
And I know that things have changed
And I know that hatred is the source,
Of my unyielding pain,

But I can't let go of this feeling
When I see your face,
The blood in my heart begins to boil
And rush up to my face,

It hurts again and it hurts like then
And I feel some sort of hell,
And I feel those feelings come out like steam
And scream from deep in their cell-

"I want you gone or I want you dead-
Not in this life or any,
But inside of me your fingers remain
and have done damage aplenty."

I hope you hear these cries I make
For they cannot ever be spoken,
And I hope you know I mean no harm
But my peace can bear no token,

I am here and I am strong
And I am loud and I am Marshall,
But yet I break with ease,
I hope you know I'm trying my hardest
And please grant me some kind of peace.

There's a reason I like girls who look like you.

I was seduced
And I seduced.
And I lost and she gained
And so I stole back something else.
*Assurance.

I want to be seen,
I want everybody and everyone
From miles between
To see
me.

I want to be spotted
I want the world to know
That inside,
I am Blotchy
and Rotted.

And I want to be kissed
and missed
But not much,
I want to make it on her list
of the ones shes
Kissed
and the ones
she wished
she'd kiss again.

I cut my hair because I was done being sad.
All that weight on my head and shoulders
All that hassle of preserving an illusion
All those memories of her.
I cut it off.

But here I am,
Sad today.

So now what do I cut.

{Voided}

My scars are fading, But I don't think hers ever will.

His fist broke the drywall and paint
Like it was a glass ornament.
His knuckles pulsed
His heart pumped.
His tears built up
And flowed.

My hands start to clench
Fingernails dig into my skin or the skin of a book
And breath goes short.
Thoughts of
Then.
Why couldn’t we stay apart.

I have bloodstains everywhere and
They like to watch me when I sleep.
I can't help their eyes scan over me
And watch for when I bleed.

These greedy bloodstains
These greedy blotches.
The color red waits and
The color red watches.

Go blind.
Go Blind.
GO BLIND.
Grow old and die and watch me from hell.
Because your eyes will tire
And you cannot beat my fire.

My fire is my lyre
And my lyre makes music,
*Not blood.

I'd like to pretend that I'm not better
But I am.
I want to say things that demean myself
But I don't.
I'm better and that's that and I'm not depressed.

I can rely on myself and not others and
Be happy.
I can wake up and fall asleep regularly,
Refreshed.
I can say "Hey look at me or don't" and mean it.

I'm better.

After I asked her

I like to go to hell sometimes
And take a look around.
I like to see the suffering
And watch blood fall on ground.

I like to look at my old scars
And see the cuts I've made.
I like to reminisce so deep
That I can feel the pain.

I like to sit and stare at space
And count all my regrets.
I like to see if I can catch
All of the worst events.

I like to say the names of ones
Whom I desire the most.
I like to think that they are here
And haunt me like a ghost.

I like to miss their sweet smiles
Because they moved away.
But most I like to make regrets
And mourn them every day.

And I became the monster.
I became the thing they feared whilst they slept.
I became the thing they tell stories of.
I became legend.

I wish I met you.
I wish I said more than just some hellos.
I wish we kissed.
I wish that wishes don't come true.
I wish I never wished for anything.

You never left in mind, only
Body .

Shoddy job,
Too.

One minute there,
Next minute gone.

Gone
For minutes long.

The days.
The daze.

The haze in this valley
Couldn't hide the moon,
Only amplify it.

Just like you.

I had a dream you were invisible
And we had ***.

It was a pleasant challenge, searching the air,
Seeing where
I could find you.

Ahab was searching for a reason to live
Ahab was searching for his big win.

Ahab was searching and boy did he find
That finding is bad and now nothing is fine.

I hope so
I really do.*

I do too.

Difficulties exist in my abilities to say no.
I do say no,
But not without effort.

I have a lack of restraint.
I am selfish.
I want affection.
I want lips.
And arms.
And eyes.

I want love,
I want lust,
I want want.

I want so many things.
I want the pieces missing from my soul
When she left me.

Why do I let you ruin my mind,
Is it because I love you so,
Or is there some reason to find,
Why I let myself go so low.

I feel my words bounce off of you
Going nowhere, the void of space.
Why is there no response from you?
More time is what I need. More days.

It always catches me off guard.
That first strum in the saddest song I've ever heard.
The first song she played for me.
The anthem of our time together.

Sometimes I wish you didn't sing it for me,
Cause now I'm hooked on a new kind of melancholy.

You can hear his heart break when he finishes the stanzas.
You can hear the pent up tears,
And the dried ones.
You can hear that those are the memories he's trying so hard to forget,
But they mean everything to him.

He's hoping that time goes on after she's gone,
And hoping that he won't give into old habits.

He's hoping he's okay.

I check for hours to see if you responded.

I really miss you, Bella.
I wish you hadn't left.
You taught me to be proud,
that who I am is my own best.

You said we all live
Under the same moon.
Those we vowed to never see,
We would see more than soon.

You taught me kissing's fun
And ******* great
And *** doesn't mean
That you are bound by fate.

You said so many things,
Signed one golden thought,
Packed up with your family
And went to where you sought.

I miss you Bella.

"I want to cut my wrists."
That's how I know
I'm not okay.

I scream those words in my head
And then ignore them.
Daily.

When I think about it,
I can feel a sort of
Euphoria
On my left wrist.

I'm not proud of this in the least
In fact,
I hate it.

I hate how those scars
Keep showing up
And I hate how I want
More.

I hate it
I hate it
I hate it.

You gave me a lot of memories to forget.

There's an itch on my wrist
That I refuse to scratch.

I will stare at my wrist and I will say
"You will not win this."

She taught me that I miss having a mother.
She taught me I could cry.
She taught me new ways of kissing.
She taught me who I really love.
She taught me how to sever mutilated limbs.
She taught me that everybody can be selfish.
She taught me that laughing only eases the pain for a day.
She taught me that scars never go away,
*They just get old.

It's me, that moon and my heartbeat.
We're alone down here with nothing but
Fear and Want.

Fear that our mark will not last
Fear that what we learn next will end it
Fear that one of us three will change.

Want of a life that's better
Want of a woman with lightning eyes
Want of a life without fear.

I got some tasty tea today
All the way up North,
My Humma Connie brought me it,
And that has no worth.

I'm in a higher league, apparently,
She wouldn't even talk to me.
I scared her.

I just wanted to kiss.

To dare not tell the ones I dream of
That I do
Is to revoke a right they have earned.

You stuck in my brain,
The lot of you,
And it is my thoughts you now burn.

I feel guilty for withholding
so few words,
But I can't bring myself to speak.

The effects have lingered,
Their personalities
Every single one of them is unique.

I wake with their faces and
I stare at my phone.
These are just memories
That I can postpone.