The corner store says she smells like
"Pine tree" scented candle,
But to me she smells like
A decent bet,
And a couple skipped heart beats.

He loves concrete
And gray.

The desert,
His morning
Not her.

And through himself she cannot find one string on which to suspend a thought,
A speck of emotion, not one fiber optic of data relayed.

Hermit.

A cycle of

Egg
Larvae
Pupae
Moth.

To the flame and then again.

There's a reason I like girls who look like you.

My scars are fading, But I don't think hers ever will.

I’m Atlas,
And she is my world,
It is my duty,
It is my job,
To support her,
    Eternally.

She said she'd break my heart.
I think it will be the other way around.

A uniformity in expectance,
A subconscious wait.
My mind knows it's coming
Like some kind of date.

Her words,
Be they good or bad,
Are expected,
If only a tad.

2 AM,
My body wakes
It's so ******* late
Will it come?

I wait.

Broken.
Shattered.
Pieces that fall.

Scars.
Sadness.
She makes him enthralled.

Punishment.
Torture.
She limits herself.

Please.
Listen.
Don't do this to yourself.

Believe.
In love.
Love oneself,
          Always.

         Happiness.
         Will stay.

You lost, Marshall.
Came in second place.
Always replaced.
Variable placement.

You lost, Marshall.
You're on the ground.
Shivering violently, eyes pouring.
Bawling just above the audible level.

Marshall.
Your father told you,
"Lose it to the one you love more than anything,
The one you plan to marry."

So I listened.
But his voice,
It only traveled so far.
Stayed within these walls.

Stop shivering, Marshall.
You. Lost.
It is lost.
And it's your fault.


-- I am to blame.
-- And nothing will be the same.
-- Gold turned to stone.
-- So bright it once shown.

And my love has not faded
*In the least.

It seems the little man with his hammer and chisel,
Has cracked the top of my skull,
Made a crack not so little,
And now my brain’s far too full,

Tick tick tick,
Ting ting ting,
He caused a split,
Heavy hitting,

This migraine is mine,
There’s not enough time,

Not enough,
        Time.

I don't receive her gaze, but I can gain her lips?
Gleaming eyes I wrote of don't look my way,
Nor do they even say "You matter."
Of all the things I would like most, just, one look per day?
Remind me of those nights, remind me how we tried;
Every day I wrote of you, that gaze, your skin, your laugh. Your heart.
Do you even care?

“Welcome,” the Devil said, smiling.

An unclothed man of pale skin and toned muscles stood feet away from a teenage boy with black, ashy, hair. The boy was wearing a simple outfit; white linen with black buttons, dark pants. Confidently, the boy stepped forward. Inches shorter than the still heavily breathing man, he put his hand on the strong shoulder and looked up into dark, untrusting eyes.

Hell wasn’t anything like Adrian thought it would be. He didn’t doubt it though, this was Hell alright. Whiteness was everywhere, almost blindingly bright. Exhausted from the fight, the shock of getting hit, the running and tumbling, he breathed loudly through his nose. His body was as it was on Earth. His scars, sweat and blood were all identical to how it was in the fight only minutes ago. There was a gaping hole about the width of his extended hand through his chest; his heart was mangled and torn but somehow still pumping.

“You died, Adrian. And God doesn’t care. He’s never cared.

“You probably think that your life on Earth was righteous enough to make it to Heaven, to meet God. And you’re right, really, you lived well. Your final moments alone should be enough to give you an ivory throne, but no. Nobody gets into Heaven.

“I’m sorry, Adrian.”

The Devil slid his hand down, off of Adrian’s shoulder and turned around. The fatigued in and out of the fighter’s breath was the only sound in the air.

“I’m feeling generous today,” Adrian could feel a cool gust of wind behind him. The boyish Devil walked forward and placed his hand onto the man’s chest. Slowly, he could feel the hole filling up; a numbing warmth filled his rib cage, a new vitality. “Have a good life, Adrian. Enjoy your gift.”

The Devil shoved Adrian backwards. He gasped.

"I closed my eyes and thought of where I wanted to be. I was in a red wood, colored in autumn. My breath could be seen in the air, and the large horizontal log I was sitting on was cold. There was a woman next to me, both of us were wearing gray hoodies, mine a thin, coarser material, hers warmer and softer. Her hood was up, mine was too. Both of our hairs showed from beneath the hoods. She had a cute nose and a nice smile, and curly brown hair like mine, but, softer and longer.

We were sitting together, clearly interested in each other, but not yet lovers, and not just friends. Facing downhill, we looked into the forest of large trunks and red leaves, or rather, she did while I looked at her silhouette. She let me look, I could tell. Something in her was warm, I wanted to feel it.

A daydream. A forced vision, rather."     -October 27th 2013

Jami Belle,
<smiles>
I knew there was one more name to yours when I met you
And I asked you about it
And you said and you laughed:
"Peterson. I hate it though."
I could change that.
Does Hiatt sound nice? It did at the time. Jami Belle Hiatt.
A nice ring.
You liked it.
God I miss you.

Difficulties exist in my abilities to say no.
I do say no,
But not without effort.

I have a lack of restraint.
I am selfish.
I want affection.
I want lips.
And arms.
And eyes.

I want love,
I want lust,
I want want.

I want so many things.
I want the pieces missing from my soul
When she left me.

Creation.
Destruction.
Union.
Serration.

I'm mad. The Mad Scientist.
Fantasy worlds. Pure science.
I was put here. By myself.
And by myself. I stay.

God won't answer.
No magic is true.
But the world, this earth,
      Her sciences,
      Her knowledge,
*will.

Dr. Maj: I am satan !
Ghostly: Is that so
Ghostly: I guess you've received a lot of mail recently coming from all the dyslexic children writing to Santa.

One million for you,
Double it, triple,
One million one,
And a million more,
All. For. You.
Every shred,
Every piece,
Grows stronger.
Steal them all,
Leave me none,
It will start,
    Anew,
    For you.

When I'm with you,
*My hard shell
Turns soft and human.

Greed, Creed, Esteem, Seeing,


Cast away,
I’m home to stay,
Complete again,
No feign,

No blood in my eyes,
No sweat on my back,
No hate in my eyes,
No more black,

Set free,
Using my wings,
I’m not blind,
Willing to see!

No more trying,
No more battle,
No more crying,
No chance of chapel,
    Thank god...

IT’S OVER

Everyone who was there to see,
Said you weren’t worth me,
Thanks for the times we had,
Some were hell but I hope they last,

Never gave you that rose,
Never fought your foes
We both paid,
And that’s okay.

Goodbye.

-May 30th 2013

You had me when you took that photo,
When you made that face akin to a duck,
When you retorted my comments like I do,
When you said “Kiss her,”

You had me at the moment I saw you,
Really truly you,
And every heartbeat since then has been
for that kaleidoscope in your eyes,
those lips so tender,
that smile so influential,
So please, feel the weight when I say always,
Because I mean it,
And every time I say I won’t leave,
I breathe it,
And bleed it.

To give everything for you,
Would be fine by me,
To sacrifice life and limb,
Would be worth it,
To ensure your safety.

Every night since I said ‘I love you,’
My dreams have been graced by your light,
And you really are my light,
My sun, my North Star, my whisp to lead me home.

Because home
    is with you.

-July 2nd 2013

For leagues I’ve sailed
This sea for a home,
A lighthouse to call safe,
    A bay to rest my bow.

Settle down, build a house,
Start a family, or at least try.

The waters from my departure
Have been treacherous,
No wave trusted,
    But I’ve found you.

For leagues I’ve sailed
Looking for your light.

I didn't get much sleep last night
I wish you could guess why,
I couldn't get my heart off you
I couldn't control my mind.

When I consider your smile and laugh
The
Butterflies don't fly away
For lack of a better term they stay,
And
Grow.

That honey you call your hair,
The way your face wrinkles while you laugh,
You are something else entirely
An entity unable to be enumerated,
Entrapped, encroached upon,
Earthly, eager, but unearthy,
Eloquent and effortless,
Elevated above others.

To put it lightly,
I favor you.
and Admire.

But only when you ask the right question,
Will I tell you the truth.

"I love you Marshall. Goodnight."

"I almost said something-
"But I won't-
"Bye."
And I closed the door.
And smiled.
"She's not supposed to know, Marshall.-

And walked to the window, the morning breeze felt nice.
It was early but he didn't want to check how early because his brain would trick his body into more sleep.
Throwing on some clothes, he checked his phone making sure not to look at the time (even though he was kinda sure it said 6-something),
There was a message from his true-love.
"Good Morning **** ;)"
Jesus how early does she wake up?
"Good morning, love. I'm going for a run. The weather's great."

And so he did. And made tea when he got back.

I can’t recall the sound of her singing,
But I could paint the shape of her soft neck.
I can’t describe the joy her being can bring,
But I feel a great sense when she says “Heck.”
Worthwhile she is for any chance I take,
She makes me feel like I have someone safe,
If I had fangs, I know she’s burn her stakes,
Between us both it’s her I would first save.

I don’t think she gets how much I care,
She takes my words and makes them beautiful,
She says she does the things I dream to dare,
I can only dream to have life so full,
To spend my days with her would be great,
I could learn how to love, forget to hate,
I think she’d show me a new side of life,
I think she’s give me a reason to try.

They say if you look at the sun too long,
An image of it is burned in your eyes,
Well, I must have looked at you too long,
‘Cause your image is a 3rd degree burn,
And every second I spend breathing,
I see you.
I feel you.
I ache you.
I bleed you.
I need you.
I gauge you.

But I run.
I run from you.
And I hate myself.
Every length of my being.
I hate myself because,
You are me.


-April 21st 2013

Strings his bow,
Checks his quiver.

And puts both down.
*No blood this time.

I can feel it.
There's something.
Or nothing. But it's there.
I can feel the hatred.
Or rather I can feel the hated.
I only feel the hated.

She takes her coffee black.
I cringe.
For what she lacks
In taste-buds,
I make up for in love.

Viva tu vida sin tristeza*

Bold statement but I tire.

Goodnight for now soft sleepwalker.

Apples
And
Cigarettes

Go so well together.
The fruit of death
And the sower of it.

Ahab was searching for a reason to live
Ahab was searching for his big win.

Ahab was searching and boy did he find
That finding is bad and now nothing is fine.

Recorded words of times ago,
Recorded words that hurt,
I remember when we fell in love,
When it wasn’t just a flirt.

I remember every day,
Every word you said,
I remember every photo,
Especially that one in bed.

I don’t want to go back,
Nothing good comes from the past,
But if I had one wish,
It’d be that it wasn’t the past.

If I had three wishes,
I would wish for three things,
Your health,
Your heart,
Our life.

Home again.

I hold the door, and sigh. Holding my axe in one hand,
Orange, white, and red plaid shirt. Chin covered in stubble.
A warm fire inside. My sweetheart reading by the hearth.
A glance up. Her light blue eyes, so inviting.
Her smile.

I enter.
And rest.

It’s the way the sun shines and the water falls,
It’s how the wind blows and birds chirp,
It’s the way the moon rises and sets,
It’s how you ignite my flame with your blue eyes,
It’s the way flowers bloom for you,
It’s how the world seems to lighten your step,
It’s the way air tastes sweeter when I’m with you,
It’s how the heat I feel in your presence is inside,
It’s the way I always want to say those words,
The deadly three,
To let you see,
Understand,
And take my hand.

-June 10th 2013

It always catches me off guard.
That first strum in the saddest song I've ever heard.
The first song she played for me.
The anthem of our time together.

Sometimes I wish you didn't sing it for me,
Cause now I'm hooked on a new kind of melancholy.

You can hear his heart break when he finishes the stanzas.
You can hear the pent up tears,
And the dried ones.
You can hear that those are the memories he's trying so hard to forget,
But they mean everything to him.

He's hoping that time goes on after she's gone,
And hoping that he won't give into old habits.

He's hoping he's okay.

I am speaking to myself, by myself, for myself,
If you can hear me, you are a spy,
     Unwelcomed.
I speak out-loud to refine my thoughts,
To pinpoint what I mean and how I mean it,
    I am still unsure.
I am speaking because I owe debts,
Repaid by a piece of paper, near-weightless,
    For years of love.
I am sorry for myself, for the spy listening,
I am sorry for the events leading to this,
    Debts paid in lifetimes.
I am sorry for a soliloquy unspoken.

            ~Marshall, 11-11-13.

Amor,
Affection,
Beautiful,
Body,
Contours,
Curves,
Devilish,
Del­ightful,
Enormous
Epiphanies,
☺☺☺☺
Feel,
Gratitude,
Great,
Home,
­Hot,
Illumination,
Idolism,
Jealous,
Jiggly :),
Kind,
Kisses,
Lovely,
Laborless,
Me,
Moving,
Night,
New,
Over­,
Opulence,
Pretty,
Precious,
Queen,
Quirk,
Revel,
Repeat,
Sensit­ive,
Succubus,
Ticklish,
Time,
Under,
Undressed,
View,
Veins,
Won­derful,
Winter,
X is a bad letter,
Yonder,
You,
Zealous,
Zippers.

The sun doesn’t wait,
Neither does the moon,
The birds get to see you,
The flowers around you,

Hundreds of strangers,
Watching you,
When
    I am the only one,
Who needs to.

-June 19th 2013

A chief once said,
We all have two wolves,
Good and evil,
One will win,
The one you feed,
I have changed my path,

I’ve come clean,
It’s a peace uncanny,
The air tastes sweet,
I think it’s cause I knew,

I knew the tower would crumble,
The fire go out,
And the beacon would be lost,
Inevitable but blinded,

My book goes forwards,
Dragged by necessity,
Lead by wanderlust,
Fueled by love.

-May 30th 2013

I still think it was a dream.
Convinced actually.

If it weren’t for the warm of her kiss,
Or the bumps on her belly,
And the shape of her face,
I’d still believe it was fake.

For days it seemed I stared,
And she let me.

I learned her, far better than ever before,
She is more.

She is both a dream and a reality,
An Angel and a human.

She exists,
You see.

You say those words,
And I listen,
I wonder so many,
    If they are for me,
    If they are recent,
    If they are true.

And for some reason,
Contrary to my vows,
     *I trust you.

If I could dedicate a day to her,
It would be today.

Because tomorrow,
I can read this again.

Like lightning on the sea of thunder,
That streak on your blue steel iris whispers
    loudly,
Those vermillion lips of yours whisper
    loudly,
And that giggly soul of yours whispers
    oh so
        loudly
            “I love you.”

-June 5th 2013