Could you...
Perhaps
Give me something?
You know...
For the pain?
I think...
I just
I wanna sleep
For a very long time...

I want to bleed black
To be coated in ink
I want the darkness to show through
To pour out from my veins
For everyone to see

You’ll all know what’s really in me
You’ll see what it is I’m made of
What it is I’ve become
A creature of shadow
And I can’t even remember
When last I knew the light

Anxiety ........................ High
Anti-Anxiety Meds .... Taken
Antidepressants ......... Taken
Antihistamines ........... Taken
Lights ........................... Dim
Noise Cancellation ..... On
Music ............................ Loud
Mind ............................. Anywhere else

Do you ever
Do you ever hear a phrase
That just resonates with your soul?
Something so fitting it scares you a little?
It's funny that my words never do that to me
But others' can
Perhaps it's a sign of my amateurism
But so often I write grasping for words that
Resonate like that
Because my story has more than just
One good phrase
And I'm looking for the rest
So here I am
Writing to find it

People don’t choose to love me
Love for me is conditional
On smiles and pleasantries
On good behavior
On success and pride
So, why would I want to smile?
It doesn’t bring joy
It doesn’t make me feel alive
But I know how to hurt
So I suppose that’ll have to do

My existence aches
I don’t know why
Every muscle tense
I can’t get comfortable
I want to dissolve
Into nothingness
I don’t know why
I want to cause pain
It’ll give me a reason
To hurt
My hands trying to move
To where the marks can hide
So instead I type
Maybe I can trick them
Into thinking they’ve done
Their dark deed

I really don't write poetry
I just let my messy ******* head bleed out
And I guess it produces words

I don’t want this
I don’t want to live
I don’t want to be sober
I don’t want to be clean
I don’t want to be responsible
I don’t want to take care of myself

I want to destroy myself
I want to get out of my head
I want to make the room spin
I want to starve
I want to drown
I want to bleed

I can’t enjoy my life
I can’t live
I can’t even suffer right

I need someone
Someone who can just sit and hold me
When the panic strikes
Someone who can lay by my side
When everything in me is in agony
Someone who can kiss me
When I feel worthless and hopeless
Someone who cares enough
To love me in my flaws

An image
A sound
A motion
It stops.
Mind reeling
What happened?
Can’t think
No, can’t be
Not to me
Call who?
Police? Why?
Oh... I see...
Wait, I’m alive
But what if...
I could’ve died.
Now what?
Why am I crying?
I can’t look
The damage is bad
Am I breathing?
My fingers won’t still
Typing, calling, yelling
What happened?
The image
The sound
The motion
Again, again, again

The evening wears on
And it starts to wear off
Fog lifting lightly
My thoughts wandering
Into somewhere darker
Something deeper
But soon I’ll be in bed
And I’ll take it again
So when I wake
I don’t go mad

I remember praying
When I was a child
That God could take anything
Anything at all of mine from me
And my faith could get me through
But not my mind...
No, my mind defined me
I was nothing if I wasn’t smart
And in that moment
I knew exactly what
I needed taken away...

God, I can see the pieces
They're falling apart
I bend to pick one up
Three more break off
I hide the cracks
From everyone else
But we both know
I can't hide from you
Save me from myself
Be my adhesive
To hold all the pieces
Of me together
Because my strength is failing
And I don't think
I can hold all these pieces
Together any longer

It occurs to me sometimes
That if I so desired
I could pack up and leave
Travel, wander, explore
And just start a new life
Leaving everything behind
And never look back
And maybe I'd miss it
Maybe I'd want to go back
But I could
And that's what is so
Fascinating

I know.
I know that it won’t matter.
That no matter how much
Of my blood spills
How much of it I wipe away
No matter how much it hurts
Or how many scars I create
It won’t make me want to be alive.

Genuinely unsure if it matters to anyone that I’m breathing but wotever

I just want to be happy
Somehow I know it’s a futile pursuit
So maybe I should just stop trying
But I have this image in my head
A version of myself I want to become
I’m not sure I’ll find her
But I believe she is my identity
She knows the peace of oneness
Wholeness of mind, body, and soul

She’s comfortable in her body
She doesn’t try to hide
Her outfits make her smile
And when she looks in the mirror
She knows precisely who she sees

She has people around her
People who love her
She trusts each one of them
They’re a part of her
And she’s a part of them

She’s restored her relationship with the Almighty
She has confidence in her faith
And knows what she believes
Worship is natural and easy
Her spirit feels at rest

She’s lost her craving for acknowledgment
She knows what she’s worth
Her identity lives within her
Rather than in her praise
She’s no longer tormented by insecurity

She is capable.
She is powerful.
She is beautiful.

And maybe someday

She will be me.

I think my life is slipping through my fingers
and i just dont care

Frankly,

All I really want is to drink myself to death.

I keep cycling
Not knowing what's true
Am I really feeling numb?
Am I so cold and distant?
Or perhaps, instead
I'm just bored
And finally in my right mind
To realize how dull my life is
How futile these squabbles are
But maybe I chose this
Because I feel so much
That I realized
If I let myself feel it all
My heart would break

You say I’m sinful
But you love me
Even like this
So much you went through
The pain of humanity
Our wrath and evil
To save us monsters
But I can’t shake the thought
That I’m so horribly unworthy
I can’t even accept human love
How can I possibly consider
That you could care about me?
Show me what you see in me
For what reason could you possibly care?
Even while I sit here
Craving darkness
I know salvation comes through faith
Not by what I’ve done
But my faith is weaker than ever
So won’t you let me
Fall from grace?

I didn't mean to lie
When I said I felt good
That the anxiety was gone
That I wasn't depressed
I knew I had a few bad days
But I was having a good streak
So I told you I felt fine
And now I'm not sure I meant it
But I'm so afraid of going back
To the place I was in
That I don't really want to tell you anyway
Because I'm better than that
That mess I was
And I don't want to let go
Of the okay I'm feeling

I stretch myself out
Over the face of the cliff
And I laugh
I let you think it’s the adrenaline
But the rocks and I know
We’re old friends

I want to tell you
What’s in my head
This entire other world
The constant droning of voices
The screaming and thrashing within

But if I did
If I did...

You’d never look at me the same
I’d be broken to you
Damaged

I know that I am...
But I just...
I can’t let you see me like that

It’s returned
I’m getting obsessive
I can hear the voices...
They’re afraid
Urging caution where none is needed
Seeing death in every little thing
They can’t hear reason
The anxiety has been triggered
I could panic
I won’t... but I could

This is so familiar....
I know this delusion...
It was my companion for so long...
Until the pills broke our bond
But now....
It wasn’t supposed to come back
I thought I was free
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RID OF YOU!!!


But here I am
Bending to your will again
A slave to the compulsions
To the irrationality of my mind
I was afraid of this...
I am so **** afraid of this
Because I really don’t know
If I can fight this again

Can’t feel much at all can I?
My body knows how to function
It can be polite, pleasant
Say all the right things
It’ll even smile and laugh
And then instantly
The numbness spreads again
Filling my chest, my head
Everything goes cold
A sort of... annoying sadness
A persistent dull ache
Everything good is forgotten
Smiles erased
Like nothing will ever
Be okay again
Or... was it ever?

tw self harm





I want a bottle on my lips
And a knife to my wrist
Numb the pain
Feel something
Intoxicated
Bleeding
Broken
Crying
Dying
...
..
.

I fall into this place in my head
Eyes closed softly
Letting the world go black
There’s a tightness in my chest
Wrapped around a throbbing pain
My head starts to ache
My entire body crying out for touch
To just be held for a while
I’ll pretend I’m not alone
Just to cope
But I know I lie in solitude
I know there is no one to embrace me
There’s no comfort to come to me
I’m just not enough
I know that...
I really do know...
But it doesn’t mean I can survive alone
It doesn’t mean the darkness will not take me

Intoxicate me
No, not with kind words and affections
I know I’m not allowed such comforts

Just fill me with poisons
Drink until I can’t feel anymore
Until all that’s left
Are giggles and a few slow words
Until my body is so thoroughly flushed with it
Vision, arms, legs, lips
They all begin to fail
Full of a dimmed sensation of bliss
A warm, peaceful fog
Happy and a bit mad
Dazed and compromised
But no concerns to speak of

I could do it.

I have no concern for myself anymore
The only thing that keeps my heart beating
Is knowing that if it stopped
It would break yours

Muscles tense
Hands shaking
I can hardly move
My thoughts so fast
I can’t make sense of them
I just know they hurt
But some feel so good
I’m not thinking properly
Ideas pass in emotions
The richness of pleasure with pain
Don’t pity me
Even when it hurts
For this time,
I remember
I am alive

Child,
You needed to learn
Your actions have consequences
But you should never
Ever
Have had to learn
That losing the love
Losing the acceptance
Of the people you admire and respect
Would be one of them

tw suicidal thoughts



There’s no purpose in this life
No joy to be found
Every bit of pleasure is just a reminder
Of how empty this existence is
I’d like to say I still believe
But my faith is failing
My purpose is disappearing
And it would now seem
That the only reason I continue to live
Is because of the hassle it would take to die

My hands are shaking
My heart is picking up speed
It could be situational
It could be anxiety
It could be side effects
It could be withdrawal
It could be anything tbh
But I’m really messed up
So I suppose
I’ll pop a few more pills
I can still take three more today...

tw: idek this is probably sensitive


CANT I JUST SELF DESTRUCT
JUST FOR ONE ******* NIGHT
JUST.... just one night....

Round up the bottles
Everything I can get
Close the door
Lock the **** thing!

Sit criss-cross on the floor
And just.... just cry and drink...
And drink.... and drink...
And drink.... and cry...
Then cut... and cry... and drink...
Watch the blood... take a sip....
Stand, and the dark room will spin
I’ll ******* laugh
This is where I am
This... this is my desperation
I’ll smile wickedly
As I place all the pills on my tongue
And swallow them with wine
Then eventually
Sleep will come for me
Darkness will surround me
I’ll be safe for a few hours

Then in the morning I’ll wake
Pretend it didn’t happen
Go about my business
Wish I were ******* dead.

can't sleep because my thoughts won't cease
can't relax because i feel lazy
can't act because i can’t decide
can't eat because i'm already fat
can't starve because i'm addicted
can't escape because i have no means
can't move because my mind is so loud
can't bleed because they might notice
can't breathe because i don't want to go on
can't die because of what i'd leave behind
can't be content because i'm unhealthy in every sense
can't improve myself because i'm really not worth it

I know
It ends when I close my eyes
Once I sleep
I won’t get this back
Not for a long time
So I don’t want to ******* sleep!
I wanna dance :D
But I have responsibilities
Well **** them!
Lemme enjoy my ******* life
I don’t get to
EVER
So let me just like
Have this ONE
Just the one
Mmkay?
Alright

My heart is longing
Deeply aching for something
Something beautiful

tw: self harm


Something’s wrong with me
I need... I need something
I want to draw lines
Quick strokes
Then pause to watch
Then pause to feel
It fill in red
It’ll stiiiiiinnngggg....
I’ll see the garnet drops grow
Until they trickle down my arm
Leaving a carmine trail behind

And through it all
Relief will flood my body
I’ll forget about everything around me
In that moment
The pressure is released
And I feel okay again
At least for a bit

How much longing must be in my heart
To sleep with a blanket in my arms
To cheaply mimic
The warmth I don’t feel

I just want to feel loved
I just want to feel loved
I just want to feel loved
I just want to feel loved
I just want to feel loved
Please just let me feel loved

Hmm... these words bring tears to me
What pitiful thoughts to come from the depths of my heart

Worthless
         useless, fat idiot
ha... isn’t that cute how you mean nothing to anyone?
           you’re just so **** stupid
                             please just ******* die already
     90 days? You really haven’t deserved to bleed in 90 days??
                don’t fool yourself, no one will ever love you

All this ****
It’s all inside me
It hasn’t gone anywhere
Maybe the medication hides it
But only for a week or so
It will always return
It’s the only version of me I know

I want to feel alive
So alive
And I know how
But I’m too
****
Self-destructive
To have the will
To do it

When you learn
To scream
At the pain
At the anxiety
At the depression
At everything that broke you
When you can be angry at it all
It turns into passion
And it feels exquisite
Because finally
When all you’ve felt
Is sadness
Is stress
Is numbness
You start feeling
Strong
Courageous
Powerful
Because you can focus
Everything in you
Into a passionate fury
Directed at the darkness