I didn't mean to lie
When I said I felt good
That the anxiety was gone
That I wasn't depressed
I knew I had a few bad days
But I was having a good streak
So I told you I felt fine
And now I'm not sure I meant it
But I'm so afraid of going back
To the place I was in
That I don't really want to tell you anyway
Because I'm better than that
That mess I was
And I don't want to let go
Of the okay I'm feeling

Do you ever just hate yourself and your body and your whole being that you just want to crawl out of your skin but you can’t so you desperately want to self medicate and can’t do that either and the only relief you can find is by punishing yourself by cutting your own skin and you get this sense of well being from nursing your wounds like maybe you actually can be put back together?

Can’t feel much at all can I?
My body knows how to function
It can be polite, pleasant
Say all the right things
It’ll even smile and laugh
And then instantly
The numbness spreads again
Filling my chest, my head
Everything goes cold
A sort of... annoying sadness
A persistent dull ache
Everything good is forgotten
Smiles erased
Like nothing will ever
Be okay again
Or... was it ever?

Was that it?
The moment we’ll remember
The rest of our lives?
That long, first real talk?
When we really met each other?
Was that it?
The moment we’ll tell our children
About when they ask how we met?
Will I see you again?
Could both of our lives be changing
From that one conversation?
I don’t know.
But just the possibility
Is so beautiful.

I give you all

EVERYTHING

Your lips offer gratitude
But then why is it
That your actions
ALL OF THEM
Make it clear
I am not a priority
To... anyone actually
You all USE ME
And I like it
I want to be helpful
I want to be kind

SO YOU ALL

YOU USE ME

To your selfish ends
And at the end of the day
I look back
Feeling no affection
No warmth
No love
No kindness
I’ve been taken advantage of
Over and over again
So I sleep here alone
Wondering if I’ll ever be content
Because I’m SO **** NICE
So.... so you use me....
You never give back....
So I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I try harder
I TRY HARDER!!!!

And you all
You know I require no payment
So I pour myself out for you
And you take it all
Leaving me alone
Weeping
Broken
Empty

I just need someone
If just one could...
Could you maybe?
Just hold me for a while
Let my tears roll into your chest
Repeat to me
Everything I’ve never heard
Could you just....
Say something
To make me feel
Even if only for a moment
That I am worth
Taking up space in this world

cold heart
cold veins
cold limbs
you can’t rouse me
when i’ve flatlined.
simply don’t care
your pain doesn’t bother me
though i’m the cause.
scream all you want
cry for my soul
it doesn’t matter
i’m quite content
to remain cold
this all-encompassing numb
is far preferable to feeling, caring

except...

There’s this bit of me
Desperate to feel
Aching to be aLiVE

What a dangerous combination
Apathy and desperation
I could do ANYTHING
I’ll take risks
Because why not??
Push myself as far as I’ll go
Out of sheer curiosity
Take that curve a bit too fast
Say what you know they’ll hate
Provoke them all
Like toys for a game
And of course,
Medicate to enjoy the day
Convince them you’re well
Let them believe you’re happy
Maybe even trick yourself...

but soon the day nears its end
lights dim and isolation grows loud
the highs wear off
each night lower than the last
i can’t wait to go numb....
TAKE IT AWAY

I’m unstable now.

Anything could happen.

You calmed my storm
Then I washed ashore
Puking and frozen
Half-dead
Suffocating
But alive, I suppose

The storm left me with
So many scars
That I don't know
If I will ever heal
So, why did You let me
Break like that

I'm sure I'll grow
From what I've learned
I know You have a plan
But right now
I feel like I've been damaged
I feel betrayed

I know it's not true
But that's how I feel
And maybe if I can own it
I can start to see
Why You let it happen
Because I just don't get it

I take the bottle and a sip
Then I drink deeply
All I can take in one go
I’d like the room to tilt and spin
Watch me lose my footing
Stumble
I don’t want to think
I don’t want to make sense
I don’t want to hurt
I don’t want to ache
I don’t want to suffer
Just... release me for a bit...
You can do that... can’t you?

Please.

I’m begging.

I’m in agony
Can’t you make an exception
I have to ease the pain
I must...
Please let me

Let me show you
Let me prove it
I’m unstable
I’m in pain
Watch me drown it
The best I can
Until I’m weak
Until I ******* stagger...
Mhm... what a thought
What loss of control...
How sweet a thought
To drink away the control
I’m tired
But I can’t let go
But that bottle... it would let me
Please...

Please, it hurts...

I don’t want to remember

The evening wears on
And it starts to wear off
Fog lifting lightly
My thoughts wandering
Into somewhere darker
Something deeper
But soon I’ll be in bed
And I’ll take it again
So when I wake
I don’t go mad

can't sleep because my thoughts won't cease
can't relax because i feel lazy
can't act because i can’t decide
can't eat because i'm already fat
can't starve because i'm addicted
can't escape because i have no means
can't move because my mind is so loud
can't bleed because they might notice
can't breathe because i don't want to go on
can't die because of what i'd leave behind
can't be content because i'm unhealthy in every sense
can't improve myself because i'm really not worth it

It’s returned
I’m getting obsessive
I can hear the voices...
They’re afraid
Urging caution where none is needed
Seeing death in every little thing
They can’t hear reason
The anxiety has been triggered
I could panic
I won’t... but I could

This is so familiar....
I know this delusion...
It was my companion for so long...
Until the pills broke our bond
But now....
It wasn’t supposed to come back
I thought I was free
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE RID OF YOU!!!


But here I am
Bending to your will again
A slave to the compulsions
To the irrationality of my mind
I was afraid of this...
I am so **** afraid of this
Because I really don’t know
If I can fight this again

My hands are shaking
My heart is picking up speed
It could be situational
It could be anxiety
It could be side effects
It could be withdrawal
It could be anything tbh
But I’m really messed up
So I suppose
I’ll pop a few more pills
I can still take three more today...

Child,
You needed to learn
Your actions have consequences
But you should never
Ever
Have had to learn
That losing the love
Losing the acceptance
Of the people you admire and respect
Would be one of them

I want to cut
I want to cry
I want to break down
But it would seem
The alcohol would like instead
To lull me to sleep
And I want to let it
But I don’t want to sleep away this opportunity

My mind is ill
But my heart is good
Problem is
I never know which
Is in control

tw: self harm


Something’s wrong with me
I need... I need something
I want to draw lines
Quick strokes
Then pause to watch
Then pause to feel
It fill in red
It’ll stiiiiiinnngggg....
I’ll see the garnet drops grow
Until they trickle down my arm
Leaving a carmine trail behind

And through it all
Relief will flood my body
I’ll forget about everything around me
In that moment
The pressure is released
And I feel okay again
At least for a bit

I desperately wanted to understand
What makes the world like this
I wanted to have depth
To hold wisdom in my young head
Because I felt so shallow
Living in smiles
Never knowing pain
And I thought that was a problem
So, I found myself some turmoil
A little sadness here and there
Sat in pity waiting to be rescued
Hiding carefully for a thrilling chase
I played with my mind like a toy
But I wasn’t gentle, I wasn’t kind
I broke off bits I didn’t like
Now I’m not so shallow
I’m introspective and bright
But I lost so much more
From everything I cut out
I have turned hollow inside

I know
It ends when I close my eyes
Once I sleep
I won’t get this back
Not for a long time
So I don’t want to ******* sleep!
I wanna dance :D
But I have responsibilities
Well **** them!
Lemme enjoy my ******* life
I don’t get to
EVER
So let me just like
Have this ONE
Just the one
Mmkay?
Alright

I’m so terribly deceptive
I look sweet, don’t I?
I act kind, don’t I?
I speak wisely, don’t I?
Ahh, but you don’t see my heart
Within me lies corruption
I am fallen
I am broken
And truly, I love it
Which frightens me, sickens me
Yet I do not mean it any less...
There’s this potential within me
I could be so destructive
But I don’t want to hurt you, really...
So I guess I will have to do...

I tried to run
I wanted to escape
From the chains I've locked
Around my wrists
And the shackles
Weighing down my feet
But I can't try what you all do
So I make up my own
My routines to flee
From this crippling sense
Of reality
And you tell me it's dangerous
But I honestly don't care
I almost hope it is
And you wouldn't let me
Try anything else
So I guess I'm just
Desperate

When you learn
To scream
At the pain
At the anxiety
At the depression
At everything that broke you
When you can be angry at it all
It turns into passion
And it feels exquisite
Because finally
When all you’ve felt
Is sadness
Is stress
Is numbness
You start feeling
Strong
Courageous
Powerful
Because you can focus
Everything in you
Into a passionate fury
Directed at the darkness

No one tells you
That loneliness hurts
That you can feel emptiness
That your heart can physically ache
They don’t explain to you
That your body knows you’re alone
It hurts more than you can describe
It burns until you can’t take it
But by that point
You’re a freak
You’re so far gone
No one will want you
You’re broken now
You’re damaged goods
So the only antidote to the poison
Of being all alone
Is pushed further and further out of reach
The longer you suffer

Intoxicate me
No, not with kind words and affections
I know I’m not allowed such comforts

Just fill me with poisons
Drink until I can’t feel anymore
Until all that’s left
Are giggles and a few slow words
Until my body is so thoroughly flushed with it
Vision, arms, legs, lips
They all begin to fail
Full of a dimmed sensation of bliss
A warm, peaceful fog
Happy and a bit mad
Dazed and compromised
But no concerns to speak of

I want to feel alive
So alive
And I know how
But I’m too
****
Self-destructive
To have the will
To do it

And there I was
Feeling the sweet flames
On my tongue
Down my throat
In my gut
For the first time
And all I wanted
Was more

I just want to forget it
All of it
Please
Take it
Away

The chasm in my chest won’t fill
It just aches and grows
As more and more of me is lost
In the abyss

And tonight the emptiness is so deep
It’s so strong that nothing feels right
Consistently disappointed
Everything within is lacking
I need something
I can’t say precisely what
But it’s likely it got lost somewhere
Within the chasm

I might pour alcohol into it
See if I can find the bottom somewhere...
I’ll probably end up feeling like ****
But that’s a price I’m glad to pay
If I can be genuinely happy for a few hours
Where I can feel my smiles in my heart
And they aren’t just painted on my face

If I can’t fill it with alcohol
I’ll fill it with blood
Doesn’t really matter how long it’s been
I can cut again
Shock myself into reality
Drag myself out of the fog
I’m not so used to it anymore
It probably won’t take much
Just a few wild slices
A few drops of blood
And a sharp wince
As I realize what I’ve done

I won’t say it again.
I do not belong to you.
I am not your plaything.
You do not get to play games with me.
I am finished with you.
Your lies.
Your deceit.
Your abuse.
I will not answer when you call for me.
You made me feel like nothing.
But that is so far from true.
I have been given a value greater
Than you could ever dream.
I am done
With you.

when one survives long enough without receiving affection,
one ceases to believe they are worthy of it.

God, I can see the pieces
They're falling apart
I bend to pick one up
Three more break off
I hide the cracks
From everyone else
But we both know
I can't hide from you
Save me from myself
Be my adhesive
To hold all the pieces
Of me together
Because my strength is failing
And I don't think
I can hold all these pieces
Together any longer

My heart feels heavy
My pulse burns
My head aches

I want freedom
I want peace
I want love
I feel these so deeply in my being
But I’m so confused
I’m so conflicted
And all those who would’ve helped me have gone
I’ve grown distant from once-trusted mentors
I don’t know where to find answers
Where to find help
Something inside me screams an answer
That I don’t want to hear

Or perhaps rather...
It is a still, small voice

Yeah no joke...
I can feel it creeping in
Slowly, gradually
Like natural fatigue
Ah, but I know better
This is far too intense
Far too pleasant...

Frankly,

All I really want is to drink myself to death.

I could do it.

I have no concern for myself anymore
The only thing that keeps my heart beating
Is knowing that if it stopped
It would break yours

Stay alive
Another day
To drink away
Another night

This isn’t what I wanted...
How did I get here???
I used to be vibrant...
I have faded

I don’t want this
I don’t want to live
I don’t want to be sober
I don’t want to be clean
I don’t want to be responsible
I don’t want to take care of myself

I want to destroy myself
I want to get out of my head
I want to make the room spin
I want to starve
I want to drown
I want to bleed

I can’t enjoy my life
I can’t live
I can’t even suffer right