dot dot dot
just three simple periods together
so little
yet they speak volumes
filling in the spaces you have no words to fill
just three mere little pixelated specs
dot dot dot

nothing i do will ever be good enough for you

My body may be numb
But my mind is clear
And my soul is free

i never thought i'd make it this far.
let's start with that.
i never thought i'd have someone look me in my eyes and tell me they're in love with me and see such a bright future, with... me.
i never thought i'd live through all of the pain, agony, torture, slices and burns on my arms and legs, yelling, screaming, and dark hallways.
i never thought i'd find a light.
i never thought it would be hiding within myself, just waiting for the spark to ignite all that i am worth.
i am more than their cruel words and intentions.
i am more than circumstance and ****** situations.
i am more than anyone expected me to be.
and everyday i grow and surpass all of that more and more.
i am 16, going on 17.
and for once, there is light, there is a future, there is kindness.
my eyes have never been so open.
i hope no one comes to close them again.

my body is aching
my heart is heavy
my stomach is churning
i'm nervous and shaky
i haven't slept
i don't like my mindframe at this moment

i no longer know how to express my feelings correctly
i don't feel
i embody
i am hurt
i am anger
i am...
what am i?
who am i?
what the **** am i doing?
i have all of these questions and no answers
i'm so confused
i had a friend
she used to lie to me and tell me she loved me
she once told me that i was a daisy in a field of grass
and although that may be true
i feel like the daisy's been stomped on
and the field is infested with snakes
i am scared
i am lonely
i am weak
i talk to a shrink two times a week
she makes me feel okay
but then i realize that i can't sit in that coffee scented office for the rest of forever
that she's not my caretaker
who is my caretaker?
why has everyone given up on me?
why did she look at me and tell me she loved me and then bag my things up and dump me on somebody else?
why did he tell me i was unworthy?
why did he **** me?
why did my mom choose sleeping over looking at the sun?
or even better, watching her daughter look at the sun.
why did that girl in fifth grade tell everyone that there was dog **** on my floor so that no one wanted anything to do with me?
i am so sorry that my mother's inability to walk and pick it up made you so uncomfortable you felt the need to rid me of friends.
as if it wasn't hard enough having a mother who couldn't stand up long enough to make me mac n' cheese, or watch me ride a bike.
why did all of those girls lead me on?
saying they wanted me when they didn't.
telling me i was their best friend and they couldn't live without me when in reality i was just a meal ticket and a free place to live.
tell me why i look at the girl i'm in love with and can't accept that she loves me back?
tell me why i have to beg my father for a relationship and pray that i get a phone call every time a holiday comes around?
tell me why i've carved so many things into my body to make myself feel more whole?
tell me why everyone lies and deceits and manipulates and, and, and....
daisy in a field of grass?
now, i don't know about that.

i'm angry
i'm upset
inside me there is a fiery pit
i don't know why
i want to be happy
i want to unclench my fists
let go of the anger
stop being so ******
but it's harder than it sounds
to change your persona
i'm angry all the time
maybe i could try to calm down just for a moment
i'm angry at the girl that copies the same format of my poems and gets more likes
i'm angry at the fact that they abandoned me
i'm angry at the world
and it's hard for me
for me to let go of the anger
walk in my shoes for just one day
see how it feels to be mad and have a smug look on your face
i don't mean it intentionally it just comes out
and before i know it i just want to scream and shout
shout at the people for being happy and having a good time outside
shout at the people that are care free and have a better life
shout at all of the things that are better than me
because i'm just an angry person you see
an angry person that will never change
because i don't have the drive and i'm just strange
strange and odd and stupid and angry and mean
maybe some day i'll be clean
be clean of all of the anger and the stuff bottled up inside
what happened to me that made me this way?
that made no one want to stay by my side
i'll go to some anger management
maybe they'll help me and fix me
and help me understand
understand why I am the way that I am

my heart is ice cold and for once it's melting when i look into the soul of another rather than cracking from all of the pressure.
i look into her eyes and i see infinity.
i see her devotion.
i see- well i see as much as she allows.
and that's quite alright.
for i am only here for as long as she allows it.
and i used to write of love not knowing what i was talking about, and now i wrote of love still not knowing what i'm talking about but i'm a little lighter in my loafers.
and she makes me happy.
i thought my heart was shattered into oblivion but now it's got a bandaid on it...
with the letters: H. E. R. S.

I'm too happy for my circumstances.
But then when they get better the anguish sets in.

When I was 5 I started to put sharpie or pen on my nails to make them black.
And I even recall on one instance where I put mascara in my hair to give myself black streaks.
I now want black stiletto nails, and I know that many others have them, or even just paint their fingernails black.
And it makes me think, black is such a beautiful colour and yet we put down and make fun of the people of that colour.
They can't change it, and they shouldn't have to feel that they must.
Being another colour than white shouldn't be a day to day burden or task.
It should make you feel beautiful and blessed.
But not everyone sees it that way.
It's a shame really, you see so many superb black men and women that stand out in this day and age and community.
And it has been that way for centuries.
Giving us all music to move to and lose ourselves in, books to read (perhaps more than once), movies to watch and adore, and many other things.
And yet people don't realize, they're just HUMAN.
Not having a choice of what pigmentation their skin is.
Being beaten unmercifully, and some being prosecuted not from their actions but because people have come to terms that all of that colour perform the same cruel acts.
Stereotypes;
It's not fair and I refuse to live in a society that is so mean and brutal.
Be nice to people regardless of their skin, the look or feel of it.
Be helpful to those in need regardless if others wouldn't because they have different views than you.
I'm not saying this little collection of words will change the world.
But I'm letting it be known that I myself will not be spiteful towards others that have not been to me.
Just because their skin may shout out because it is darker than others, it doesn't make them less of a person.
You don't want people to be put in boxes and yet you categories them, making them feel small and wrong.
We have come such a long way, not just for this subject but for others.
But I want my voice to be heard and my opinion to be stated.
And for others to not be so crass and quick to judge.
People are people, and deserve to be treated like it.

I had so much to say.
But when the pen hit the paper.
All the thoughts went away.
My mind had gone blank.
Just sat in emptiness.
Waiting for the thoughts to come piling back in.

they always said writing would help
and it does
but i'm not talking to you
i'm facing a piece of paper
which starts me off somewhere...
so dear dad,
how have you been?
still sober?
still raising her children?
still blaming all of your life's misfortunes on me?
how am i doing?
i'm doing alright
i get sad at night
when i'm alone
and i think of all the things you've said
and then everything is piled up in my head and i can't hear anything but your voice
your coy, manipulative, voice
if only you would have known how wrong you were
when you said i'd never make it in the real world
or find somebody to love me
or be happy
you see, i listen to the songs we used to listen to in the car while i drive
but at least i'm driving
and when i lay in my girlfriend's arms i get scared of how vulnerable i'm being
but at least i don't have a wall up
and i still hurt myself in more ways than one
but at least it's not as bad as it was
and i still see your face when i look in the mirror
but at least i have individuality and i'm molding myself to be better than you
and i still think about the night that i was assaulted in your home, and i know you heard me scream "NO, NO, NO"
but at least i still have respect for myself
and i still ponder on the thought of ending my life whenever i remember you handing me your pocket knife
but at least i'm still alive
and i still think about when you said i'd never have friends and i'd be all alone once i was dead
but at least i make a social effort
while you don't speak to your children
and granted i don't make an effort to speak to you
but it's because you are wrong
in every thing you say
and in every thing you do
you are wrong
in the way that you laid your hands on me
or in the way that you watched as so many others did
you are wrong
in that i am alone
because i am not
you are wrong
in that i'll never find happiness
because for once in my miserable life i realize when the sun is shining and the birds are chirping
you are wrong
when you say that i'm going to hell for loving
because right now i feel like i'm in heaven
you are wrong
when you say that no one will ever love me like you
because i now know that a father doesn't treat me like you
but at least...
i know you are wrong
and that is all of the gratification that i need to be done with you and this letter
so i sign this saying, you are wrong, but at least... i am strong.
- Maxine

When I get sleepy I fight the urge to lay my bones to rest.
I have so much going on and lots of stress.
But then it overcomes me and puts me in what seems like a coma.
But then I wake up to my problems still not being over.

'I love you to the moon and the stars.' she said.
And then she fled.
To actually go to the moon.
The Astronaut I fell in love with.
That left me too soon.

During life you go through many obstacles.
Some of which are where you need to choose between two things.
Left or right?
They call this a crossroads.
You see some people say listen to your heart and it will guide you the right way.
But will it?
Your heart is as cloudy as your mind and if your mind can't choose what makes you think your heart can?
There are so many rights and so many wrongs.
But you won't know if it's wrong until you go down that road and see what's to offer down there.
If all fails put the gear in reverse and go down the other road, if it's not to late that is.

tick tock
just staring at the clock
one hand swings by the other
but time doesn't go by
everything stops
everything freezes
nothing moves
as long as your mind is stuck
stuck in its ways
of looking at the clock
waiting for the next minute of your life to go by
waiting for time to progress
just
waiting

I'm lost in the corners of my mind, and that's not very pretty.
I want there to be light in there but it's just a cluster of darkness and sadness and memories.
I don't know why I remember the things I do, they just stay there.
Maybe if I clear my mind the light will shine through.
And it won't be so dark and scary.
Can someone help me find the light?

i remember when i was a sad child like you, with no hope to exist on this cruel planet, but then i found hope, and i'm holding on to it for as long as i can.

picking and scratching
my skin bleeding
the scars all over remind me of certain times in my life
when the stress got too much to handle and I sat in the bathroom for hours
destroying the body that was given to me
burning down my humble abode
just picking and scratching away at my sanity
which I'm not sure I ever really had
the scars that I get comments on daily
'Did you try to hurt yourself?'
'Are you alright?'
'Are you being abused or unsupervised?'
no answer really just staring at them;
whilst picking at my scabs in that blissful agony that I love to feel

When you're alone in your bedroom.
Twiddling the razor in your fingers.
I'll be there, roaming the halls.
And when your sad and your crying.
I'll be there watching.
I'll be there, in your home.
And when your gone I'll be there at your grave.
With the flowers, the red roses.
Was gonna bring white but your blood stained them.
Wish you would've known what you were missing.
Wish you would've known who you were hurting.
Cause now you're gone.
And I can't carry on your legacy.
Cause now you're gone.
And I can't change the gruesome fact.
And now you're gone and you took me down with you.
Bye bye pretty soul.
Forever gone, into the soil.

Rain is just a way for the lonely to be touched.
I suppose that's why I love it so much.

when you look into a persons eyes
you see inside
the part they don't want to open up and show you
you see who they are
their past
their present
and you see if you want to be apart of their future
you see the hurt
the pain
the loss
the everlasting memories burned into their brain
leaving burns and scars and scary thoughts
you see their life
their adventures
their misfortunes
but you also see their good times
the treasures that they hold close
to make them feel like it's not all bad
looking into someones eyes is a journey
exploring the little fragments and seeing what they hold in their nooks and crannies
so look someone in the eyes
when you talk to them
when you lie next to them
and just wander
feel their spirit
their energy
just by looking into their eyes
into their lost soul
getting lost with them
within them
for eternity

I couldn't keep them bottled up anymore.
But when I told you, you threw them out the door.
And as night turns into day my feelings for you turned from love to hate.

I'm just like a flower.
Except all of my petals have fallen off.
And now I'm just thorns.

I forgive your lies.
Although I'm saddened that I had to see past your disguise.
I forgive your selfishness.
I forgive all of your negligence.
I forgive all the times you made me cry.
I forgive all the times you hurt me deep inside.
I forgive you and I don't want to.
But I still forgive you and all of your ignorance.
So I can move on with my life in bliss.

this town looks more and more sad every day, perhaps it's my own demise setting into the skies.
the temperature of my body taking presence in the air.
the wind in my hair
but no heat in my bones.
i can feel my body shrinking out of my clothes.
she gave me the kiss of life but now it's been taken away.
so now i sit inside and watch as i decay.
these four walls surround me much like the chambers of my heart.
i've started to realize, only i rip myself apart.

She was an alcoholic who wanted to go for a swim.
Her kids didn't stop her for they knew she was already dead from within.
She stayed out there from 4 p.m to 10.
And when they found her the water had frozen over her head.
She was a good person, good mother, good friend.
She just had a lot of issues she needed to tend.
She never asked for help because she didn't want it.
For she knew she was better off not on this planet.
And when they broke the ice in the summer to get her body.
Her death had finally become reality.
They held the funeral and everyone cried.
For they lost the woman that once stood by their side.
The woman that they never saw a reason to worry about.
Because they never saw the signs because they weren't loud.
She kept her problems to herself.
Why worry everyone else?
They don't care and it's none of their concern.
She just wishes she could get another turn.
Another turn to change things and make them better.
Maybe take her swim in better weather.

the phone rings in the middle of the night, it's not my father, he doesn't even know what i look like
to have love reciprocated, that's all i really want
abandonment seems like a sweet gesture at this point
i'm tired of threatening and being threatened
i wish someone would just follow through
but then again,
who am i to speak?
endless days in the emergency room,
countless attempts,
no resolve.
no one cares.
when did that happen?
i try not to dwell on the past.
but is it dwelling if i can't tell the difference between 3 years ago and now?

I am fragile, please place upright.
You may hit me if you'd like, yes that would feel nice.
Broken down and glued back together.
Because you don't want to say I'm gone even when I shatter.
I'm sprawled out on the floor and you clean me up.
Because I'm sharp and ragged and leave lots of cuts.
When you look in me I will break.
Because I can't stand to see all of the pain and heartache.
I'm a simile for you and your life.
And all of the bad moments and strife.
I'm sorry it's like this and I hope you can fix it.
Because I don't like seeing me crush your spirit.
Please don't give up on me... please continue to put me back together.
Because without anyone the problem will never get fixed.. ever.

I look up to the sky as I'm on my knees with my hands folded.
''Why Lord? Why have you forsaken me? Why have you let your child suffer? Do you like watching me suffer? Why have you made my life like this?''
Nothing.
Nothing.
Just Nothing.
Silence.
I shed a tear and as it rolls down my cheek and hits my hands I think to myself.
''I'm talking to no one. I'm talking to thin air.
How are we supposed to know if there is a God or if there isn't?''
But then I think.
''Maybe I shouldn't blame him for my life being the way it is. Maybe it's all my fault, after all if there is no God then it would be my fault.''
I get up and walk from the field of flowers to my home.
On my way I keep thinking about it.
''Is he real? If he was real he'd show us a sign, he'd make our lives wonderful, he'd let there be peace in the world and make all things right.''
Then it hits me, some people just use God as a man to put all their troubles onto, ''Dear God, let my financial troubles go away!'', ''Dear God, let a man come into my life!'', ''Dear God, make my life turn around for the better!''

You don't get those things until you try.
We praise the Lord to show him thanks for making our lives better than some, giving us working organs, a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, money, etc.
Not to push all of our unhappiness onto and ask for more.
If you're not pleased with your life then take a stand and change it.
No one can fix it but you.
Life is challenging and hard and at times people think it's not worth it to live anymore.
But you see life is the best gift you could ever get.
Isn't it?
Think about it.

you are the color in between all of the other colors
you don't care about the spectrum, you are an entity
i don't love you to the moon and back, i love you more than all of the stars in the galaxy
i love the way you capture everything i've ever loved
you are darkness
you are light
you have depth
you are whole
but that doesn't mean you're perfect
you are unlike anything i've ever seen
you are magical
you are the feeling i got when my dad tucked me in at night
you are as sweet as the memory of me dancing and singing in the rain up and down the street i grew up on
you are beautiful
but that word is so cliché
it could never define you
you are something that i've dreamed of
you are like déjà vu
you aren't like the nightmares that follow me into the daylight
you are what holds out a hand and tells them to stop
you are the feeling of having ten blankets on you but still being comfortably cool
you are the nicest pillow i've ever laid my head upon
you are the reason my tears stop pouring
but sometimes you are the reason they pour
because you are so complex
and i long to understand you and fear i never truly will
because you are grey
you are everything and nothing
empty and full
the space in between
you're indescribable
so this poem with incomplete sentences and no capitalization
can't come close
to everything that you mean to me
you believe you are a spec of nothingness
and that people can walk by you and not remember you
but you're unforgettable
you're captivating
you're the emotion in my ellipses
you're... my favorite color

the worst lie i ever told was "i love you"
my best truth was realizing it

I look down at the gun in my hand, and although it's not a mirror I see a reflection of what I've become.
Why am I sitting here wanting to end my life?
How did I get here?
Why did I let the cruel people in this world push me into the predicament I'm in right now?
I stand up and look in the actual mirror.
''You're okay.'' I say.
I know in my mind that I'm not actually okay, but to hear someone say that I am even if it is myself saying it, it makes me see a glimpse of hope.
The hope that I didn't have 3 minutes earlier when I was holding the gun in my hand.

how does one admit that they are the problem?
how does one accept that they’re a monster?
how does one allow themselves to push away the people they wanted to stay forever?
how does one overcome the thoughts of wanting to join the angels in heaven more than wanting to stay with their angels on earth?
how does one cope?
how does one keep themselves from turning into everything they despise?
i am one.
can someone answer me?

everyone is dead when i'm alive..
and alive when i'm dead.

and as i lay here, alone, smelling your shirt, i cry
i realize that just a week ago, a mere seven days you wrote of being in love with me and now you can't even text me back
i realize that you were my first love
i realize that i'll never get back what we had
i realize you gave everyone a second chance but now you can't even look me in my eyes
i realize i'll see you again and i don't know how to prevent my body from crumbling
i realize i can't erase the memories
the things we shared
the teddy bear
your kisses
your dumb laugh
your voice
your hands in my hair
it's all gone
and i realize i've lost yet another
while i can't help but feel as if i'm just another notch on your belt
im sorry
as i write that and repeat it in my head a million times
i realize that i'm used to taking responsibility for everything
so go ahead and point your finger if you want
as long as you realize my love for you was real
my care
my consideration
my tears
my smiles and laughter
but that's gone now, no happily ever after
another chapter closed off
lonelier now than ever
missing your love
as i'll never receive it again

And I started to wonder if we were really ever anything
Because I thought we were in my head
I thought we were this beautiful thing
But in reality we were nothing
And I had hoped that it was the first one
But it turned out to be the second
I was second to everyone else
I gave and gave and gave until my heart gave out
And all you could do was stand and stutter when I asked for something in return
So you started to distance yourself and I started to stay up at night thinking about you
About the obvious connection we had but the fact that you didn't want me because you couldn't handle something real
I felt you cover me up with the covers when I fell asleep
And when you asked if you could give me a happy birthday kiss on my cheek
You gave me your sweatshirt
And you were the most unemotional person yet when I was leaving you cried
Now it's almost one year later and you pop up occasionally
Asking me how I am
Well here's how I am
I'm an emotional wreck
I miss our friendship
I think about you every night
I think about the what ifs
I wonder why you've lied to yourself for so long
And why you strung me along
You were perfectly imperfect
I threw myself at you and I must admit I regret it
Because I wish I could take back all the feelings I invested
In someone so broken
I go for the broken
I'm broken
I feel like nothing is real anymore
I'm jealous of others love one minute then the next I think love isn't real at all
I try to succeed and focus on school
But my depression and suicidal thoughts race and I always go back to thinking about you
You
Why can't you love me?
Why can't you see what I see?
Why are you so mean to you?
Why were you so mean to me?
You pushed me away
And now we're so far apart
Emotionally that is
Physically we are only 4 hours and 18 minutes away
I look it up from time to time
You meant the world to me
You were my best friend
And as I sit here and write this sappy ****
I realize just how much time I've wasted over you
My energy
My youth
3 years
I want to stop
I'd like to think I've matured since our escapade last year
I'd like to say I never think about you
I'd like to say that I don't smell the sweatshirt you gave me
I'd like to say that I've given up on you ever reciprocating the feelings I have for you
I'd like to say those feelings are gone
But I'd be lying to myself
I wish you'd stop lying to yourself
But what's the point
I should move on
I know
But as long as you continue to like my Instagram pictures
And message me occasionally
My 14th year of life will continue to be wasted on you
As was my 12th and 13th
I pray my 15th isn't

it's not something that i want to gloat about.
i'm not being selfish or greedy.
i'm not doing this because it's a trending topic or i saw other people do it.
i'm doing this because i love.
i love people.
maybe this is happening because i haven't always felt love from others, and i'll just accept what i can get.
maybe it's because i am a rebellion and just want to love him or her regardless of the status quo.
or maybe it's just because i love.
and i love to love.
to make a person smile no matter what is between their legs.
and make them feel wanted.
and happy.
and give them a home in my heart hoping i'll have a shelter to run to in theirs.
i love girls.
i love boys.
but most importantly i love myself.
and as scared as i may be.
and judged.
and discriminated against.
and shunned.
or cursed at.
i will still love.
and i will still stand with my hands in my pockets or in a girl or guys hand.
it may not be a happy life.
and i may not have as many opportunities as the man next to me who has different values.
but i will still love.
i will love my God for i know he accepts me for who i am.
for how he made me to be.
i will love the people who stick with me and tell me that there is no difference between me and the woman that i crossed paths with on the street.
we are all the same.
we are all one.
and we should all love.
regardless.
so this is me saying.
i love.
and i will no longer be ashamed.
even if you belittle me.
and my love will prevail.
because love is the answer.
not arguments between politicians and preachers.
but love.
between a man and a woman.
a man and a man.
a woman and a woman.
and a brother and a sister.
as God made us.
to love.

i came into this world 23 chromosomes of her and 23 of him
i came into this world for them to use me against each other
i came into this world for them to treat me like an object
THEIRS
no individuality
just...
theirs

years go by and i've started to discover myself
and as my petals open up and i bloom into the flower i'm supposed to be
i am rejected and have petals torn off one by one
"you're not gay"
"you shouldn't cut your hair"
"you look like a boy"
"you look so grungy and messy"
"your name is Kaylee"

but i was max
i was gay
i cut my hair
i looked like a boy sometimes
i wear band t-shirts and ripped jeans
but it's not enough
my individuality isn't taken into account
i am not a blooming flower
i am a mere seed
i have yet to be what they want me to be
and so therefore i am not anything
"it's all a phase"
"in 10 years you'll look back on this and feel so dumb"

i will never be enough
not for them
not even for myself now
nothing is good enough
i fight the hatred with knowledge and pride
and now i've just learned to stand to the side
as they come with their pesticide to run me back into the ground
tuning me out until i learn how to not make a sound

In some ways I'm as high as a bird.
And in others I'm already 6 feet under.

And the last time that I saw her face, was also our last embrace.

And our last kiss, I will always miss.

And I will always remember the taste of her lips.

i only had one grandma.
i had people of no relation who snaked their way into my heart and then abandoned me when things got too tough.
i had one who sent me 2 holiday cards and never spoke to me because she could care less for my mother.
and then i had her.
the woman with the beehive hair and the list of men who adored her.
the smoker.
the charmer.
the maker of the best baby blankets and christmas wreaths.
i had someone who woke me up with a hug and kiss and itsy bitsy spider on the tv.
with a cup of coffee in her hand and two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the counter, one for each of us.
i had a woman who was a terrible mother but saw nothing but beauty in me and knew that i was her ticket to forgiveness.
i had a woman who empowered me and made me feel beautiful.
from the baby pictures of me in her bathroom to the way her beautiful green eyes that she gave to me looked at me with such love and adoration.
i had a woman who spoiled me.
who wanted me to have everything, not so i could act privileged, but cultured.
i had someone who felt empty inside.
who abandoned her daughter.
who did drugs and smoked until her lungs gave up on her.
i had no more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
no more macaroni art.
i had no grandma.
and maybe that’s when i started to lose my innocence.
when i realized that the woman i idolized was ripped away due to selfishness and irresponsibility.
that the nights my mother would cry herself to sleep because my father wouldn’t ever stop yelling grandma wasn’t just one call away.
there was no protection.
and while i’ve forgotten her beautiful voice i can still hear screaming and crying.
i can still hear the moment of silence and the sad man playing the keys to the tune of amazing grace.
i can still hear my father silently priding himself because he knew that he had officially isolated my mother and i from all we had ever known.
and after that, doors were closed and locked.
there were more holes in the walls and bruises and welts.
the vacations were excessive because my mother dreaded being in the home she had once drafted and created for her family.
the white picket fence was torn down.
the dog was buried in the purple flowers.
and i saw the woman i call “mom” crumble to nothingness.
and my father rise from my nonexistent grandmas ashes.

I live to be loved...
So maybe that's why I want to die.

You were the blue-haired idiot savant that I wanted to sweep me off my feet.
However you left me trying to figure out who I was, with a shaved head and blue heart.
You've made me feel lost yet helped me find myself.
I don't understand your role in my life, but I'll never erase you from the narrative.

hopes and dreams are lies in disguise as something beautiful tearing you apart from the inside

''just one more turn mommy!''
but we all only get one turn on this merry go round...
this torturous device spinning for what may seem like a small time but is really eternity.
the lights and music make it seem beautiful and distract you from the chipped paint and broken seat belt leaving you unconnected from the horse.
the kids cheering loving the show but you see the adults all craving for it to be over already.
our lives are all like merry go rounds.
it may be fun for now.
but eventually you'll get dizzy.
and everything will fade.
and you'll just be another horse on the merry go round with a broken seat belt,
waiting for an eager child to ride you.
and they'll be glimmering waiting for the adventure.
and you'll sit there being full of the knowledge of the ride and how it turns out.
but now you're just another horse.
and soon... everyone will just be a horse.

the rain drops still dripping from the early morning rain
the air conditioner right next my head that lies upon a pillow
the sound of the t.v drowned out but you can still dimly hear the voices cackling and cheering for the late nite t.v show host
and there lies my body in between all of this as i try to sleep
as my mind runs through so many things
thinking about everything, the past, the future, the present.
all of the noises come back as i just try to rest but i cant
life has got me by the claws and wont let go
but that's okay
at least something hasn't let go of me yet

sometimes things don't work out like we want them to but that's what leads us to our true happiness.
we are blinded by our perception of how to get there.
but in reality our mess ups are what take us there, and yes it takes time,
but without the time you won't find the real happiness, it'll just be another substitute and another thing we think is enough for us... but we all deserve so much better than what we think.