i am filled with anguish and resentment
i keep loving
and i keep losing
i wish i would win
i wish i didn't feel the need to sin
against my maker
and burn the temple he gave me to the ground
but all i feel is the desire to die
my brain hates me
it makes me think everyone is against me
i don't have anyone anymore
so please don't leave me
i don't get to run my fingers through the little boy's hair anymore
or call my daddy when i'm hurt
and boy, am i hurt
my heart is breaking
my hands are shaking
all i can think about is the wreckage that is my life
i try to distract myself
but all i come back to is
please don't leave me
don't run away like everyone else
i know that it's hard
but i can't make it alone
and all i feel is isolation
so please
take my hand
love me
kiss me
hold me
and for god's sake
please don't leave me

I wish I had some privacy just for a moment.
But maybe the privacy would make me do the unthinkable.

When we made love with the record playing.
Our heart beats were in sync.
And the rhythm was sweet.
As we moved to the static of the needle hitting the record.
And we grooved to every chord.
I loved that night and I love that song.
Because you were the right one all along.
The feeling of your body up against mine.
As I traced my fingers up and down your spine.
The record had stopped and the song was over.
But we were so infatuated with each other.
We looked into each others eyes until we drifted off to sleep.
And the next morning you woke up and hopped into your jeep.
I never saw you again, and I wonder why.
For that song was so perfect and that night was so divine.
So I put that record on and listen to it again and again.
And remember the feeling of your hand rubbing my head.
I want you to come back and listen with me.
Oh to that record so soft and so sweet.

I love listening to sad music.
Because it makes me feel sad.
And I suppose I'm crazy for liking that feeling.
But that feeling is so nice and refreshing.
To have my stomach churn, and my hands to get clammy.
Sad music speaks to my soul.
Because I am a sad person at heart.
It was my plan, and his intentions for me.
To be sad and depressed.
But who dare to say that's a bad thing.
It's only a perception that it is.
Maybe being sad is good.
Maybe being sad helps.
Maybe being sad is the best feeling you can feel.
The angst inside is splendid.
So I'll continue to listen to my sad songs.
And I'll continue to be sad.
But do not have pity for me.
I am happy with the way I am.

You know me, Mrs. Heart on her sleeve.

What is skin?
They say it helps protect us.. but from what?
When it is pierced it bleeds endlessly until it's stopped.
Layers of skin and muscle and tissue that is supposed to help us.
But it doesn't... the words get under our skin.. like knives making us bleed.
The words, the actions and the expressions.
Our skin doesn't protect us from anything.

all we do is wait.
wait for the world to change.
wait for the world to end.
well i never was very patient.

i kept knocking on wood, too bad it was laminate.

our exchanged glances used to be filled with passion
and now they're empty.
where there used to be laughter there is frown lines.
where there used to be skin, there is blood.
where there used to be life, there is death.
you were my favorite melody.
where have you gone?

Where will you be when all goes dark?
Where will you be when the world ends?
Where will you be in your lonely hour?
Who will be with you?
Who will be your friend?
Who will love you until the end?
How will you know if it's going to be alright?
How will you know if your just going to sit in the dark after your life?
Why will it happen?
What or who will trigger it?
Do you know?

i feel like the moon and the sun.
dark and mysterious.
one minute up in the sky.
and one minute cowering in the corner not being seen.
the sun takes my place.
being shiny and bright.
then all is happy.
and i am full of life.
but then the day is over and the moon comes back out to play.
everyone stares at me and says i'm beautiful.
but little do they know i'm the most dark and scary creature ever seen.
some people like me.
some people don't.
some people need a light because they're afraid of my darkness called night.
then night is over and i am sunny again.
bipolar they call this.
labeling me with a disease.
'no' i say.
'i'm just fine!'
then i go home and sit and cry.
engulfed in my darkness and in the light the next.
no one is ever there to help me be my best.
'you need help!' they all say.
then help me ******.
can't you see that i'm grey and damaged?

Uncomfortable;
Doors shutting
Pens writing
People telling their symptoms
Purses zipping
People talking trying to comfort each other and make them feel like everything will be okay
Everything will be okay... won't it?
The doctor will fix it surely..
Won't she?
No way of knowing for sure
Just have to wait and see
Guess that's why they call it the waiting room

hospital gowns
wedding gurneys
ashes to ashes
you are my end-all

i hear a lyric of you in every song
i see you in every restaurant at every table
in every passing car
in every movie theater and grocery store
but you're not really there
not anymore
i've always had a hard time letting go
but i've never experienced something like this
i talk about you like a lost love
i feel you like a gunshot
you weren't a muse
but you were the pain behind every word
you occupy my mind more than i'd like to admit
i miss you when i shouldn't
your smell haunts me along with sad violins
the things we never got to do together
the movie list we never finished
all of the empty promises
broken mugs
ripped pictures
i never got to congratulate you on graduating
or take you to disneyland
you don't know what my new dog looks like
or that i got my first tattoo
i don't really know you anymore
and you don't know me
and i think that makes me more sad than anything
that the person i spent every minute with is someone completely new
i also never got to say thank you
for all of your hugs
the music you showed me
the jokes we had
the times you really did save my life
the times you gave me the reality check i needed
and the times you cleaned my self-inflicted wounds and told me you loved me, you'll never know how much that meant to me
you'd be happy to know i'm two months strong
or would you?
do you even think of me?
i never got to apologize
for the unintentional mean things i said
and the intentional mean things i said
the times i ripped your curtains down
or screamed because i was afraid of losing you
the times i went overboard
all of my unwarranted apologies for feeling inadequate
my jealousy
which have all resulted in losing you
which isn't all my fault
but i'm no innocent bystander
so like i said
i miss you
everything about you
and us
but it all happened for a reason
maybe we were a flame waiting to be blown out
but my love is still there
and even though i won't reach out
and i know you never will either
and the realization that this is the end has set in
i still love you
and miss you
and you'll never fully understand your impact
whether it was good or bad
you were someone that molded me
that changed my course of life
and who knows where i'd be if you hadn't broke my heart
so here's to us
and 2 years of friendship that we never got to celebrate
but God knows i thought about you all day
because i'm sad
and lost
and don't know where to go from here
but i guess this is a start
with my hands typing away
as my heart sinks
and i listen to a playlist that reminds me of nothing but you and our car rides
it's a start
so this isn't goodbye
but a mere remembrance of you
and all of the great things
along with the bad
because maybe if i continue to write to and about the ghost of you
the tears on my pillow will dry faster.

what i love about you most is your voice when you're tired
or maybe it's your smile
or the way you say my name
the way you are willing to stick around because you aren't like the others and you have no selfish agenda
the way you'd kiss my scars, or kiss my lips
the way you care about who i care about
your heart and soul
which you poured into me when i didn't even know how to stand
your charm
your glossy eyes
our friendship
our long talks
our "goodnight"'s
although i'm glad they aren't goodbyes
because i love your good morning texts most of all
your acknowledgement that i'm a person with feelings
feelings for you
for everything you do

You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.

i feel numb.
you told me, "beware for i do not think when i speak"
and i've tried so hard to pry my heart off of my sleeve
so i do not feel like it's breaking and start sprinting towards the door wanting to leave
i don't know who's pushing who farther away
yet we're still carelessly pushing, not knowing if we'll end up pushing too hard causing the other to not want to stay
this scares me
see you think i'm blind and deaf and unresponsive
yet, i've been where you are, with a longing heart realizing how conditional love is
everyone usually walks away so you start walking away first
once you're far enough away, you start building your wall
one brick of mommy and daddy issues here and there
assault
lies
abandonment
hurt
jealousy
and then you're satisfied that no one can get to you
but miserable because no one can get you
and you can't let that show so you try to make yourself believe that all is well and you're happy guarding your heart from everyone
but you're not
and i'm not
because you're guarding your heart from me
and i'm not asking for the key
but i'm asking for a window
where i can see inside
it can stay barred for a bit if that's what you'd like
enough for you to see the sunshine
and watch as i make countless efforts to chip away at those dumb bricks and replace them with love
hope
reassurance
but i don't know if that'll make a difference
so just know, i'm here
and that's not a lot
for i feel i am not enough for myself to carry on
but that's me, that's another poem, for another time
for right now, i'm talking about you, and how i crave for your numbness to go away... yet i sit, numb.

You do your best for others, to make them happy.
And most of the time they could care less, and continue to gloat about themselves.
So don't do things for others.
Do it for you.
You deserve to feel accomplished and be happy with yourself.
You are making progress and if others don't appreciate your journey, they shouldn't be apart of it.

and i'll never live..
*i'll just exist miserably.

I long for touch but yet I flinch when someone gets too close.
I suppose it's the feeling of fear that overcomes me.
Or the voices that flood my memory of the people saying 'You'll never be pretty enough and your soul is too dark.'
I guess I'll just spend my days basking in the wretched comments and the feeling of never being good enough.
I'm displeased when I look in the mirror, and I start to understand what the people say.
Maybe get some surgery and all of the pain will go away.
But even if I did that the rude remarks would still be there.
And I'd still be heavy with all of the weight on my shoulders.

I can't promise you much, but my love, and that doesn't even keep me afloat,
and i'd never let you drown.
I'll never let someone push you down.
I'll always stand at my 5'10 and carry you on my sore shoulders and hurt my back to bend.
I will always look you in the eye and allow you to cry..
if you ever need a light i will guide you through the darkness.
I'll rub little circles on your back and lie and tell you it's going to be okay.
I will never push you away but I won't be surprised if you don't stay.
I never want to hold you back.
But if my nurturing being torn away makes you gray.
I'll stay and be one of your sun rays.
I will love you unconditionally.
With all that I have.
All that I am.
All I ever will be.
Which isn't much.
But it's the person you seem to cherish and mumble off your lips...
*''*****''

We weren't each other's firsts but if we let that get to us we won't be each other's last.

Nobody texts, nobody calls.
Nobody cares until they've found out that my blood has been splattered on the wall.

I have no one,
so I run back to the ones who don't care the most.

Lots of people are afraid of the dark, because they fear what is not visible.
But isn't the light more scary?
For you can see everything that strikes fright all throughout your body out in the open, staring you in the face.
The light makes all of the horror come to life, for in the dark nobody can see what is going on.
And ignorance is bliss....
The night is bliss.

the lady in red
who lived in my head
used to come to me
and it all started at around age 3
she was sweet and nice and very pleasant
but behind that all she was just a peasant
she was there in all of my times of need
she was strong and blunt and always wanted to protect me
but only I could see her and it was just our little secret you see
she told me 'If you tell anyone that you can see me they'll think you're crazy and take you off to a bad place.'
so I never told anyone so I could continue to see her face
around the time I was 8 she left me alone
'You don't need me anymore you're all grown.'
'You're smart and old in the brain, you can take care of yourself now so I can't stay.'
she was on her way and nothing could stop her
I begged and begged but she was an admonisher
so I let her leave and I never saw her again
the lady in red
she was my best friend

She once played beautiful music but now she's just a broken record.

you said, "cry me a river".
and so i did.
but then you complained because you didn't have a boat.

and although i'll most likely make the mistake again...
you were the lesson i needed to learn.

I now know why they call it heartbreak.
Not because your heart literally breaks but because your chest becomes so heavy you feel as if your heart has sank into oblivion and shattered.
Every moment from now on when you feel love you'll be so uneasy and your heart will be so hollow you can't feel anything for anyone.
The thought of being hurt again will rise as will your barrier blocking everyone out.
I now- I now know why they say that you need time.
I now know why most people aren't in contact with their ex's.
I now know why people jump off of buildings and invade their blood stream with poison of all kind.
I now know why people throw the word love around, or why they don't say it at all.
I now know that no matter how many "I'm sorry"'s there are they fix nothing.
I now know that this is not a phase.
I now know that my heart is too big for my sleeve and I'm filing an eviction notice.
I know now what I did not know before.. and boy were they right when they said curiosity killed the cat.

my mother taught me how to share
i never had an "i don't wanna" moment
i was respectful and kind and never claimed anything was fully "mine"
however now i don't want to share
i don't want to see her with someone that's not me
i don't want to see instagrams of her calling someone else babe
or snapchats of her new "princess"
call it being greedy or jealous
but i don't want her to be someone else's
just as i don't want to be with anyone other than her
i want her mouth only on mine
call it possessiveness or whatever you want
i want her to be happy i just want it to be with me, i don't want her "i love you's" to fade to "i care", or "i'm still here"
i long for her touch and her presence
i feel as if i didn't appreciate what i had when i had it
and now somebody else might steal my baby
and i don't want to share...

all of them just come and go.
and they never love,
and they never care.
they just come...

and they just go.

Don’t compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to the person you were yesterday.

oh boy,
i haven't left the house other than to go to therapy
i haven't surrounded myself with people
i haven't found a hobby
i'm alone
i'm scared
i don't know if it's of myself or of what's around the corner
i'm in agony
i'm up till 3 and awake by 7
i ache
my heart longs for all that's been lost
i am my own demise
i feel like if i stay in bed then nothing bad will happen
i can let the days surpass me and not have any emotional connection with anybody
i can cry
i can bleed
i can temporarily drown myself when i shower
i can not eat
i miss everyone
i miss how things were
before the ****
before the heartbreak
before my fathers imprisonment
before me ******* up constantly and endlessly
before the divorce
before the abuse
before my innocence was ripped away
before i hated myself
before everything
but if that's all inevitable...
maybe i'm just wishing for me to have never been born
for i will never be born again or feel as if i deserved to be brought to life
i took the life of so many others away when mine came into the world
and that is something i can't change
this endless spiral of self-pity and hatred makes me seem so conceited
but in actuality i don't like myself
i don't look at myself when i pass by a mirror
i don't try anymore
because i don't know if i want life after misery or the sweet escape from it all with one
quick
slice

Life is a beautiful lie and Death is the ugly truth.

music was my serenity, but now all i hear is lyrics of you.

I'm just an empty coffee cup, with nothing left in me and all of the stains from the past.

You can crave to have someone elses qualities while in the meantime someone else is longing to be as gifted as you in some way.

Never fully satisfied with yourself, you want to be bigger and better.

Because you choose to hear out the people that think you aren't good enough and need better characteristics, and not the ones that think you are beautiful just the way you are.

Memories fade as the seasons change,
and as the year is almost over,
I still remember everything about you.

Have you ever tried to hurt yourself?
Externally no.
Internally, all the time.

all the good ones die.

or become no longer good.

there is serenity on the bathroom floor
among the cold tiles
sending the sense of euphoria all throughout your struggling body
the pain
it feels so good
to just sit in the silence
with nothing
but the brisk air
and the cold tiles
sending chills down the spine
that you didn't think you had
because it was so hard to stand
just collapsing on that bathroom floor
with nothing but the readiness and acknowledgment of knowing it's okay to feel the end
because it is inevitable
it comes for all of us
and you may not be scared
but you must be petrified
for when the moment comes
it will feel the same as your body on the cold tiles
and the brisk air will take you away
with the serenity still there
as you enter the gates of wherever the air sweeps you to

You never see the beauty in the ugly thing staring you in the face, whether it be what you see in the mirror, or the thing that you hold in your hands to end it all.
The metal of the gun; shiny, sparkly, ready to please whomever fires.
The strands of the rope; strong, reliant.
The grain of the pills; slipping you into your permanent dream.
Or the face that you and many others see.
Different to whoever looks at you.
Maybe to some beautiful, wise and pure.
But to you, a monster, never pleased and never pleasing.
You will choose to never see the beauty in you but in the others.
Because you see the world as art.
And you as the starving artist whose career never took off.

When will my last set of tears roll down my cheeks?
When will the sadness come out with the sobs?
When will all be calm and happy and good?
It all comes back to time.
It took time to get to the sadness.
And now it will take an eternity for it to dry out.

Love is love so once you give it you can't get it back.
Love may be a game, but it doesn't work quite like that.
When you love someone that love never goes away.
Even if you feel like you hate them because of the pain.

A poem is a wound, turned to words.

I hate the saying ’You have to love yourself before you can love others.’ Because you never even truly know who YOU are entirely. So how can you love somebody you don’t know? Lots of people do it very easily. But it’s just hiding from the reality of it all, of not knowing who you ‘love’ or yourself. Guess love is just an easily tossed around word at this point. Which is sad because it once had a definition and meaning to it all and now people just love everything without even knowing what love is itself.

Life experiences make good stories.
So I suppose I'm a great story teller.