Your eyes captivated me the first time we spoke
The fire in your words warmed me
You told me on our first date that I would break your heart
I couldn't decide whether or not that was true
We moved fast, and I fell for you unknowingly
As time went on your fire began to fade
You planted the seed of doubt in my heart
Now you can decide whether or not you choose to water it

I cannot connect
When i am in a room full of people i hide myself away in boxes
I was told once that we accept rhe love we think we deserve but i feel that i deserve solitude
I cannot escape the grasps of this all encompassing self loathing, and hatred, and pity
I know that I cannot love you until i learn to love myself
But no one ever told me how impossible that would be

In her arms you found something that you never saw in me
There are no words to say how I yearn for you, but in all honesty I always just wanted you to be happy
I never thought I was capable of love before I met you
But we were not star crossed lovers just two people who never should have met
I would have given you everything had you asked
so a small part of me is grateful that you didn't
Being with you was like life on fire
Everything I felt was nearly unbearable
You brought me to life in ways I'll never let you know
I'm so bitter when the sad truth is I drove you away
You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen
I wanted to keep you with me but I knew it wasn't right
I am glad that you are happy but I wish you were happy with me

I would like to think that I was more than just a one night stand
I like to pretend that when you think of me you want nothing more than just to hold my hand

To me you've always felt a little too much like home
But when I'm in your arms, you're mind is elsewhere and I still feel alone

I would give you the world if you could find solace in the touch of my skin
Instead of drunken nights, laced with the scent of impending regret and accidental sin

Waking up in your bed could have been so much more than just another mistake
But love isn't something you choose and how you feel is not my choice to make

I spent too much time looking at old photos
losing myself in places I used to be
seeing how beautiful I never believed I was
years I wasted hating someone so pure

I want to be that girl again
the one who woke up every day, despite the pain and smiled
smiled like she ******* meant it
though some days she didn't

I can hardly stand the reflection that taunts me now
the vacant eyed empty shell of someone worth knowing
I pretend I am still her but there is bitterness in my words
I can't look at her anymore

I'm taking down the mirrors

I will not write about the way we met
I cannot tell a story that has not reached it's ****** yet

I will not write about the way you make me feel
When words arrive on paper they are in the world to steal

I will not write about the way you changed my mind
When I had decided there was nothing left out there for me to find

I will not write about the way I'm falling far too fast
For when I say these things aloud they never seem to last

Please help me
I have never been so desperate
Set me free
My life's become so desolate

I don't know who to call
689 "friends" that never speak
There is no net to catch my fall
My life is so ******* bleak

It hurts too much to cry
I can't stand this anymore
I am giving up my will to try
I am emptied out to my very core

Please, please, help me.

I wish I could reach out and touch you
To hear you say you love me, and believe that it is true
I wish I could fall asleep in your arms
With security knowing i was safe from harm
I wish i could still remember your scent
Instead of laying awake wondering where you went

Autumn crept up on us slowly
We felt the lingering touch of Summer start to fade
And the heat that had seeped into our skin
Was beginning to dissipate

I watched the leaves go from brilliant green
To deep oranges and reds
They were beautiful despite the fact that they were dying
It broke my heart to watch the trees betray them

When the last leaf fell, you were already gone

Summer has returned to me, this time I am aware that it is fleeting.

I am losing my way
I never never thought I would stray
from my little written path
only to face the aftermath

So many decisions to make
Infinite paths to take
I need out of this place
Losing myself to save face

I need help
but I have forgotten how to ask

I grew up in a dark cold place
with memories I can't erase
I never had a place of my own
I lacked the heart, a house no home

The warmth I saw in your eyes
Staying up waiting for the sun to rise
The way your hands felt grasping mine
Time stopped ticking while the stars aligned

**In you I found my home

Day after day after day I wait for life to change
To wake up and be the swan, and no longer just be strange
I pace these empty halls and wait for my life to start
To find myself, to learn a trade, to create a piece of art

I lay awake most every night thinking of my dreams
They quickly turn to nightmares and I push down stifled screams
I don't know where I want to be, just anywhere but here
Nowhere's where I've found myself, living out my greatest fear

In school they always told me I could do anything I choose
Adulthood's not so black and white and if life's a game, I lose
I'm so tired of the daily grind and all my **** mistakes
Now I've found myself at crossroads wondering which road to take

I'm waking up this morning with a new found sense of purpose
To help the ones below me, and no longer just be worthless

Words
like
love
just know time left my heart eyes wanting
being away makes me say my world is ending
things
big
little
look left
people need light

Two weeks in you said
"I love you"
Saying you love me now is watching the first five minutes of a movie and claiming it's your favorite.
You haven't learned the plot yet

As the words escaped my lips, you found my truth

I see your face in strangers
It is the only way I see you now

White dress
Soda cans
Blonde hair
Celine Dion
Shouting lyrics
Clumsy dancing
Always swaying
Cigarette smoke
Lifting me
California girls
We sang

Long nights
Constant fighting
Angry shouting
Never home
Rarely conscious
Police officers
Mental illness
****** needles
No music

California bound
Phone calls
Whispering relatives
Sideways glances
Bipolar Disorder
Drug ******
Gone

I still sing without you

You turned to me and said everything looks better in the sunlight
The way you feel it sink into your weary bones and for a moment everything In the world seems right

I couldn't argue as I watched it dancing on your skin
I had always been more fond of moonlight and it's subtle promise of impending sin

I drank you in

Nothing will ever be as sweet as cheap red wine sipped while you held me like a secret
Now memories are the only thing keeping me warm, but there is nothing to regret

When I was thirteen I overheard a conversation
The police were saying how tragic my story was
Due to the toxicity of what I had seen I would never know the difference between pain and love
Out of all the things to remember my mind chose that
I have never been accussed of loving too much
Because to me love is the most excruciating  thing a person can feel
I guess he was right

You're are red wine stains on my white linen sheets
You are the cavaties on my once clean teeth

You are the thread that I pull on my favorite sweater
A broken record promising to make this better

I've always been someone who knew when to walk away
But you are etched in my brain begging stay stay stay

I wish you never said hello and convinced me to dance
I wish i didn't ignore my sense and give you a chance

Before you died I didn't see your worth
You protected me, and loved me through my almost fatal birth
When I was four you were addicted and sobriety was rare
As I got older I was angry, and by angry I mean scared

I couldn't understand why you were so empty
They say you'd been that way since your cousin died when you were twenty
You always said that you were sorry for not being good enough
Eventually I understood that it wasn't your fault, and love was often rough

When you died I was certain I had lost my mind
I was bombarded by people telling me "It's okay to cry"
as if that were the answer to all my desperate pleas and prayers
I will admit that above everything I had never been so scared

When I closed my eyes visions of you haunted me
I tried to tell myself you were better now, happy, free
I slept with the lights on for days having realized my own mortality
This is a terrifying epiphany to have at seventeen

After you died we planned two funerals
You always swore you had no friends, but they were both packed
It didn't seem fair to endure your fathers funeral twice
I was poked and prodded, offered condolences by people trying to be nice

Eventually I got the nerve to walk to the podium and speak
I told them how you promised to always love me, before choking on my grief
I spoke of when you held my hand, and tucked me in some nights
Then went on to say it was not fair to take my fathers life

I still dream about you constantly
that there was some fluke and you never actually left me
Everything is alright until I wake up to find,
That you're three years lost, you're gone, you died.