"if your heart is broken, make art with the pieces."

rain dripped into my cup of coffee.

so maybe we do call our battleships "she"
and name our tornadoes after women
maybe i am a warrior and a fighter
a champion and a queen

or maybe i'm just a woman

with my own set of flaws and weaknesses
fighting through the jungle of confusion
maybe i'm just a woman
doing her ******* best
to be the best.

maybe i wasn't named after tornadoes,
maybe tornadoes were named after me.

i don't want to die
i want to be saved

*is there a difference?

fake it
cause you'll never make it

**** it
**i miss you

leaving you
was the hardest thing
i've ever had to do

'some infinites are bigger than other infinites'

"don't become who hurt you"*

*-the five words that changed my life

midnight morning sun
sky elevates the clouded moon
my eyes smile at you

youth so precious;
love so rare.

she was like the stars
long dead: but her light still shined galaxies away.

..and that's what scares me

because i tried to act happy and good and fair
and i tried to fake all the emotions that just weren't there
i told you i'd write pretty words coated lies
use this smile on my face like a deceptive disguise
but the seems fall apart and the skeleton shows
it breaks through my skin and exposes my bones

HERE, SEE ME FOR WHO I AM
HERE, SEE ME FOR ALL THE BAD

THERE IS NO GOOD, NO PURE, NO FINE
THERE IS ONLY EVIL, ONLY BAD, ONLY LIES

i am the coffin inside of the man
i am the the can't when you say you can
i am the metal made of knife
i am the death residing in life
i am the poetry who will wake me from the dead
i write this at 1:36am from my bed
it took me 2 minutes to rhyme every verse
because im finally able to embrace my worst
i did not write this, i spat it out
the ghoul and the grim drip from my mouth
so **** all the good and the pretty and the kind
i'd rather drown in good poetry and lose my mind
happiness is great, i agree with you there
& what makes me happiest of all is creating  dark poetry to share
uniting people- one drop of ink at a time
until their blood is the ink of mine

hello darkness my old friend
it's so nice of you to visit me again

x

i asked God to surround me with good company-
i lost all my 'friends'

i asked God for somewhere to call home-
*i found you.

despite the winds of winter
which blow about my insides
there's just something about the summer sun
which makes me want to **fall in love

he didn't let go,
he just stopped holding on.

turning fact into fiction and fiction into fact:
**i've always kinda been good at that.

for the longest time, i regretted not having a future with you. in my head were images of a small apartment on the 5th floor in new york city with beige interior and cups of half-finished coffee on the kitchen table: interrupted because our lips were busy doing something else, somewhere else. i created stories of early morning i love yous and wake up in the middle of the night i need yous. slowly intertwined within each of my regret-driven what-ifs was the idea of you being good, being loving, being kind and generous. brave and protective. idealistic and creative and ready to take on the world with me. i dreamed you so deep that i created a whole other you: one that i'm realizing now, never existed.
the delusion set in and i found myself loving a man that never was. i was so caught up with longing for you that i forgot who you really were. i wonder now, how could i forget? all the nights you'd keep me waiting and all the love you poured down the drain. how could i forget the beatings that drove me insane? maybe i'm not waking with the taste of kisses but at least there are no cuts. maybe i'm not missing you too much to eat but at least i'm not puking out my guts. you told me i was worthless and impure; and here i am yearning to be called yours?

God, oh, Lord, i dodged a bullet.

i heard the other day that you found someone new. its funny because she looks like me and i can see how you keep trying to find someone to fill my shoes. i want to reach out to her and tell her to run. he preys on the young and the innocent, i want to yell at the top of my lungs. he's making you laugh now but baby girl you'll just cry. you'll think i'm crazy for saying this and even though i hope you never do, i know you'll soon understand why. me and him, we both loved the same person and now you do too. he never loved me and he'll never love you. your fair arms don't deserve the bruises and your heart doesn't deserve the pain. you don't deserve to feel utter disgust at the sound of your own name. it took me 2 years and only now i can open my eyes. his "love" was just pleasure-seeking in disguise. he's intoxicating, i know, those big brown eyes. the way he bites his lip and the strength in his thighs. i see what you see in him and i'm telling you to run. i'm telling you, i'm saving you, it's something i wish for me someone had done. but i suffered and i broke and i felt each inch of the pain. i can't let anyone go through that again.

but i watch from a distance and i don't speak a word. i'm too afraid what you'd do to me if you heard. i need to grow past the fear and the hurt. but with the delusion inside me, i'm not sure how that will work. i suppose step by step, you get up and move on. but for now, i still feel my stomach twist when i hear our song. i've thrown out your things and i've opened my eyes. i know you were bad to me, i finally realize. it may take some time to go back to who i was, but at least, for now, i'm not disillusioned by your definition of love.

she was nihilistic, pessimistic, narcissistic
but he had her believing
in the magic of early morning coffee,
the sound of the waves against the shore,
& second chances

the angels cried but we heard them sing
the heavens cried but we rejoiced in the rain
the child cried but we silenced the its pain
the old lady cried but we called her insane
tonight, i cried but it was all in vain

-
the tears are not water but spiked with emotion
one tear is enough to flood the greatest ocean
behind closed doors or out in the open
we all are one, we all are broken

no harm is there in sharing your sorrow
hope still remains for a better tomorrow

a moment of pain does not make you weak
tears tell stories, let them speak
together our humanity will be at its peak
the day we hear each other's cries and within one another it is comfort we seek
-

the angels cried, instead we taught them to sing
the heavens cried so we showed them the good in the rain
the child cried and we soothed its pain
the old lady cried so we reminded her that to feel deeply does not make one insane
**tonight, i cried & it did not go in vain

can you hear the clock tick-
it pulls its strength from you

your body is
consuming itself- slowly

now faster
and faster
and gone

can you hear the clock-
it's ticking away
do you know it is
taking you with it?

i can hear the clock
i can see the end
why do you
play pretend?

your body is eating
itself. inside out.

you have moments
no, wait,
tick
less.
tick
yet again.

and again
and again,
and again..

i look at her and i see innocence. a corrupt innocence. she is torn in subtle ways, unnoticeable unless they are unfamiliar. her scars are hidden behind a wall of silence. she has a quiet rage; she is the fearful, she is the feared. her touch is not gentle: it is fierce. it is unforgettable. she will burn through your skin. she will burn through your mind. she will consume you; she has been hungry for oh so long. her tears are hot, they stem from the fire in her heart which burns even brighter when she is in chaotic comfort. she tries to hide that seed of darkness but it just seems to grow. she tries to hide the blood on her hands but you can't wash away your mistakes.
many see her as arrogant, certain, magnificent: absolutely terrifying. only she knows what the scene looks like once the curtains close.
regret and misery.
mistakes. so many mistakes. she tries to fade into the background: a silent stain on the wallpaper. but her shocking eyes ignite the paper and set fire to everything she sees. she is indestructible- she is destruction. a simple flick of her auburn hair will make you fall to her feet. and she knows that. she knows it all too well. she knows the power she has over the hearts and minds of others. to them, she is a mystery. but she knows that she hurts everything she touches. the gloves won't keep away the knives that protrude from her fingernails. the bounds won't constrain her. she can't be tamed. she needs to ****. she needs to feed: slowly draining you of all you've ever loved. she's numb. she's waiting. she's lurking in the shadows: praying no one will stumble upon her personal hell (heaven?) but intrinsically  hoping some innocent will come her way and give into her sweetest desires.
i look at her pale skin and bleeding lips. i look at her eyes with galaxies, constellations, the zodiac and beyond. i look at the gentle sway of her hips. i look at the way her tongue licks the corner of her mouth. i look at the way her fingers curl in a deady excitement. i look at the way she speaks words of wonder; the final words they will ever hear.
i look at her: *and i see myself.

there was nothing beautiful about it
her cheeks lost the gentle blush
her hair fell out in clumps
her teeth began to yellow
nails weak and broken
lips bruised and bleeding
there was nothing beautiful about
her scarred arms
or swollen eyes
she wasn't lovely
she wasn't kind
she'd just gone
and lost her mind
there was nothing beautiful about it*
losing all her friends
being reduced to numbers on a scale
gpa or kgs
having her best friend give up on her
having her boyfriend yell at her for not taking care of herself
having her mother cry out in sorrow
having her little sister lose a role model

there was nothing beautiful in the pain she felt
there was nothing beautiful in her sadness
there was nothing beautiful
about waking up
to a dying heart

-

the blood in my veins has dried
the spark in my eyes has died
my past self cries.