i could tell you i'm devastated
i could tell you i scream in pain,
as i fall asleep as night
but what would i really gain?

i could tell you i physically ache.
i could tell you i'll never love no one else
but at the end of the night,
i'm saying all these things to just myself

Avoiding
Detour
Pretend
Ignore

Silence the
Truth
And ignore
The lie

I don’t really think that anymore
I used to believe it to my core
And sometimes I wonder
What I am even wondering for

Less wondering
More remembering
Replay replay again and again
Less wondering
More remembering
Replay the end again and again

someone notice
i'm wearing this little black dress.
want someone to see my lace set.
need eyes not a compliment.
  
someone feel this.
lets slow dance
grind my hips.
pretend that its pleasant.

grab these thighs
get aggressive with soft hands and slow grinds.
make me feel that first time
'i'm high' sigh tonight.

someone notice
i put on this little black dress.

come a little closer baby
i feel like letting you in.
and i feel like telling you everything,
that i held so deep within.

all those little secrets.
all the those times i was shy
and here i am open arms,
and i'm ready to explain the fright.

and i'm ready to tell you the *****.
the clean, the boring, the new.
i'll tell you what you want to hear,
i just feel like talking to you.

come a little closer baby.
i feel like letting you learn.
the ropes and maze to my heart,
but i won't lie i'm still concerned.

i don't know how much it'll last,
so lean in while you can.
i've got things to whisper baby,
so lean in, just take my hand.

ignore it
pretend it,
didn't happen.

forget it.
hide it.
avoid it.

if people knew
the thought you have when they are away

do you think, they'd contemplate
the idea of staying?

do you think it'd change their mind?

do you think it'd change their heart?

even if it didn't..

do you think it'd be a start?

I told myself a long time ago
I only write when something hurts me
Like the pain builds up inside my head
Until the words find a way to bleed.

I haven't written words in a while
I thought I finally closed my notes
And then I opened a new entry
And we know how this story goes.

I'm pouring every letter
That has been stuffed inside these days
And I can't stop even if I wanted
Because inspiration always has its way.

I wish I could finish a chapter
And finally close a book
But happy ever after
Hurts more than it looks.

Time consumes me most days
But nothing makes time more slow
Than stuffing the words and feelings
Inside where no one goes.

Pieces never came together
They would fit but only with force
And even when I think im close
I find more pieces on the floor.

facing forward and leaning back
i'm in the moment, and i'm on track.
i'm living for tonight, but i'm breathing for tomorrow
and i'm screaming tonight, but i'll be whispering tomorrow.

Haven’t felt it
In a minute

Haven’t dealt it
But I might give it

You used to leave your door unlocked
And I used to throw back the shots
Climb into your bed
And remove my socks
Then you’d undress me
Caress me
Make a mess of me

I’d wake in the dawn
Before light I’d be gone
Sometimes we’d grab food
If I needed a ride from you

Used to hit my cell up
Whenever you were still up
I used to be the girl that picked you up from the bar
Cuz I was too young and you were always so far

Used to be the one you came to
When you were feeling lonely and needing someone to come clean to

Someone you relied on
But only in the ways you allowed
Now I watch as you found happiness
And i couldn’t be anymore proud

You found your something
You never could find in me
And you would think that I’m sad
But I’m genuinely happy

Happiness looks good on you two
And on all of those nights i knew what they meant to you

Friends in the sheets
But not on the streets
Not in town
Just when nobody was around

Just us,nothing to tell
But man how I miss when you’d drag me through hell.

salty air,
not by the sea.

inches like miles,
and choked back tears.

I’m not saying bye this time
Won’t be the first to say hello
Because I’m tired of feeling so high
Only to feel so low

Tired of the dissatisfaction
Tired of my minds replays
Tired of your words
Just tired of being tired all day.

Maybe it’s good
And maybe it’s bad
Maybe it’ll happen
But I’ve detached myself from that

What happens will happen
Let’s just see how it goes
Just want to see how it plays out
You see, I finally let go of the hope

I don’t love like I used to
My heart doesn’t give as much
I blame it on them
But it was your touch.

It was your moves
The way you made me frozen in fear
Beg for your love
But your love was too near

Too close for comfort
You are breaking her heart
In her eyes lies sadness
And she doesn’t even know that part

I wanted to write you a poem
I wanted it to be sweet and full of light
But catch me alone with pen and some paper
And the vibe is everything but right.

The pen will start to wander,
Just as far as my head allows
And I'm trying to make it loving,
But my creativity doesn't know how.

I can describe the uneasiness,
The back and forth, or even the pain
But ask me for the sweetness
And it just isn't the same.

See when they ask me about love
I answer with words of heartbreak
It's hard to describe a feeling
When it's always been a mistake.

I could write a poem,
I could rhyme some words together
But would it really mean anything
If it was just small talk like the weather?

I wish I knew how to talk about it
Or what I even need to talk about
It's not that I'm avoiding
I just literally don't know how.

Words used to come easy,
I over shared and I was burned
And now I just observe my thoughts
And I swallow all the words.

It's hard to expose myself
I've done enough of that in the past
So I'm quieting the noise
But the silence doesn't last.

I find myself fighting to hang on
Some days it's easier said than done
But I'm answering all the calls
In hopes that you're the one.

I'm spending time alone
But don't think that I am lonely
I'm enjoying my peace
And just waiting for you to come hold me.

I watch the phone all day
I thought it was bad before
But I'm glued to my screen
In hopes I get to hear that voice some more.

i cried and then i thought about it
i thought about it and then i laid in bed.
i laid in bed and then i poured my heart out
into a sea of words left unsaid.

and i whispered every word,
every confused and unmarked letter.
and then i cried some more,
even though i knew so much better.

i laughed and then i smiled.
the smile faded way too quick
and i would've cried some more,
if the tears didn't make me feel so sick.

my head is numb from the knowledge,
i knew it was coming too fast.
and now my heart is learning,
but this concept.. it just can't grasp.

i cried and then i shivered.
i thought this feeling would fade so much quicker.

mmm

1
2
maybe 3

mmm

rubbing
mmm
inside me

collide in me
sigh with me
enjoy the ride with me

I'm climbing
the timing
it's here
tick
tock

POP
I stop.

every unanswered question
I cried out when I was in pain
I think back to those heartbreaks
and find the answers in your name.

every weak moment was a lesson
it taught me strength to carry through
karate kid' my toxic traits

who knew I was just preparing to love you.

my pen used to only know paper
when I was gray and cold inside.
but your kindness inspires writing,
you've got me addicted between the lines.

Intimate
Isn't it?

Lovin it,
Making it.

Intuative
Into it.

Tonight I realized
What my muse was
And it hit me hard
Kind of like how I used to be hard headed
And you used to be a kid
And I was a kid
And we were just kids

you've had me, you've had me
and you've had me not
so you think that by now
you'd know what you want

you had me, you have me
and you're losing me now
you can either pull me in
or you can let me down

I was yours, and I am yours
but I'm not like before
you've not giving what you've given,
and I'm heart aching for more.

you want to explore
want to know through and through
but I gave you every inch of me,
I have nothing left to expose to you.

let me in, let me in
or let me go, let me go
I'm in this, and I'm willing
how could you not know?

I don’t want to manipulate ya
Just wanna see you happy
Say what you’ve been doing
And let you know I’ve been thinking

About how you deserve the world
You deserve the hearts you have
And i wouldn’t change anything
And I don’t ever really look back

But I still care about you
And I wonder how you are
I know you’re fine without me
But I still love you from afar

It’s the only way I can
It’s the only way I even know how
Just wish I could wish you congrats
Let you know that I am proud

I looked into the sky
And I thought of all those times
We had our moments that we thought meant we'd last forever.

And I looked into the sea
And felt all of those feelings
We had when we thought we would last forever.

I own myself
I create myself
Fell in love with myself
And oh how it felt.

You could be anywhere
I don’t feel you near
Who are you with?
-nah I won’t wonder there

I have a note saved
It doesn’t have your name
But it has all the words
That I’d like to say

I won’t send it
I’m waiting for the time
When you reach out
And I can claim what’s mine

My time was risked
You let it go to waste
And now I have nothing left
Maybe you should’ve thought about it that day

Maybe you should’ve reconsidered
When I begged and asked you to
Maybe you shouldn’t of asked me to leave
When it meant I’d be detached from you.

Maybe just maybe you’ll never send that message
But I’m convinced time wasn’t on our side,
And when it is you will be tempted.

I still check my phone,
and I still search your name.
and I can't stop scrolling,
because scrolling is pain.