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Jun 2020 · 171
Leave me
Alex Smith Jun 2020
Sunsets over the horizon dip,
And you're just another person
Who will slip
Between my fingers
Like sap
In the cracks
of trees.
I too bleed,
The tears stain -
My own water,
Leaving me dessicant.
I have no vitality,
Just a shell, husk, of a man
While other happy faces surround me.

I'm s ******* scared
Of what tomorrow;
The next hour;
The next minute
Can bring.
I don't want to
Go through each day
With a constant fear and worry.
I'm not doing anything wrong
By living -
But I'm committing a crime
By existing.
I'm not good enough for you.
I can't keep myself together
Long enough
For us
To actually love each other.
I don't want to lose you
Before I've gotten the chance
To really enjoy you.

I'm already erasing myself
From you mental notes -
There was never anything
Notable about me anyways.

I'll carry on -
Just like you will too.
And eventually -
We both will be happy.

Maybe you just won't be
Happy with me.

So, leave me
Like the soft breeze
On a hot
San Diego day.

I'll try to not miss you
As much as I miss the breeze.
There are no guarantees -
Much less so,
Once you leave.
Jun 2020 · 2.8k
I hate my personality
Alex Smith Jun 2020
I hate my personality.
I don't have a personality
That cultivates relationships.
My personality leads to anguish -
If I could,
For once,
Harvest a bit of
Silence in my brain -
I'd love that.
I hate to feel anxiety;
Fear of abandonment;
I hate to feel what I feel.
What's worse,
I can't find elegant words
To describe it.
Leaving me mute,
People assume things about me,
Making my efforts moot.
Friends think I'm overbearing;
Romances think I don't trust them;
That I'm too controlling,
Too moody;
Too possessive.
My personality makes people leave me.
I'm too touchy -
Too hard to love or understand.
People see me,
And expect me to freak out,
Or to demand attention.
Well this is my account -
Because when you are on
The borderline,
It's easy to see
That the grass is greener
On either side -
But for others,
You seem polarized.
I'm not happy with how my brain works.
I don't want to be the way I am.
I don't want to make sure people are
Thinking about me...
And then feel guilty or angry when they don't,
Or can't.
I hate my personality.
I hate who I am.
It causes me to never feel comfort,
And my unrest has left me
An insomniac for too long.
I just want to rest.
It's hard to sleep when you're alone
And afraid of the dark.
Alex Smith Feb 2020
Plug it into the amplifier,
Record the data.
It's easy.
I wish it really was.

EEG labs are bland,
Boring -
But mostly
Centers for science.

My dream was broken at one of these,
As I came in each day,
Expecting to do great research work
And learn -
Work with data first hand!

That's not how things play out.
I was left without guidance -
Or at least not the guidance I resonate with.

I graduated university bright-eyed and hoping,
Just hoping,
That I could make something of myself.
This is how I felt when I started as well.

I had a dream of helping people.
It feels like I can't get there now.
I walk into the lab
And the others,
My "colleagues"
Speak down to me.
As if I don't have a degree,
As if I am not trying so ******* hard
To do something here.

I want to be part of a project,
I do.
I want to work with data,
I do.
I want this experience to move
On to my PhD
And do my own research
And help people -
I really ******* do.

But this topic is as sticky
As the gel that glues
Electrodes to the participants
Abraded scalp.
I feel trapped,
Not able to convey this to the supervisors -
I could be judged,
I could possibly be looked down on even more.

I re-read the training protocols
And try to get the one more sign-off
To run appointments.
And fail again,
But then try again.

What else am I supposed to do without guidance?
My professors at UIC saw something in me,
I wish the researchers I work with now did.
I wish I saw something in me as well.
This is probably one of the weirdest poems I wrote. Different than most, but it is honest and I don't give a **** if you all don't like it.
Feb 2020 · 174
Alex Smith Feb 2020
Espresso shots pour,
And I'm mainlining caffeine.
The taste of coffee tickles my tounge
And I feel at ease.

Milk steaming,
Eyes gleaming
Smile beaming.

Then the espresso shots die.
I let them sit too long.
Didn't down them quick enough
Or craft a creative caffinated drink
To keep me awake.

I too fall dead asleep
By the bleak
Black eye
And frowning face.

Uppers and downers
I am the latter,
Flattering to be the the stimulating
Drink that drowns her.

I'm no longer interested in espresso.
A barista falling
Like my fortísima not running
Now crawling.

I'm not caring,
Becoming wary
And scary.

I lost myself
And esteem
To be the milk that was once steamed
And sweetened.

Dead like espresso shots
On a lonely bar.
My head is clouded by knots
Of why I've strayed so far.
Jan 2020 · 117
Anxiety and dissociation
Alex Smith Jan 2020
You first feel it in your face.
There is an uncomfortable
As if all of the heat in your body
Has condensed in your head,
****** from your feet -
Extremities grow cold.

You then tense up,
And shake a bit.
Afraid to talk.
Things look hazy,
And people's words go
In one ear, out the other.

You might not notice it,
But your jaw is clenched.
You become scared and trapped.
You are trapped in your own head.

Your breathing either slows,
Or speeds up.

On the outside,
You look emotionless.

It hurts the core,
And you feel more afraid.

Rinse, repeat.
Jan 2020 · 277
Questions to ask myself.
Alex Smith Jan 2020
I'm addicted to
The drug called happiness.
A simple addict
Of fantastic phantasm fantasy,
In ecstacy.

I always heard that things peak.
What goes up, must come down.
Am I at my come down?

Why can I not forever feel
This happiness?
Will I wade in the shallow
Ocean soon?

Can things just only keep getting better?
These days I glow
In a radiant beauty
And I have never seen myself
Glow before.

Is this feeling just the now?
As I become a ***** to the
Good feelings that my life
Is suddenly bringing me.

I like to think that my life
Is paying me back with good luck
For all the times I missed a four leaf clover
Growing in a meadow
Or didn't glance at a shooting star long enough to wish.
And this time I don't need a good luck charm,
Or a wish.

But now I come to.
Is this my peak?
Is this as good as things will ever be?
What we built upon could fall,
And I grow afraid of tomorrow.

2018 brought me growth,
2019 brought me happiness and stability.
Oh, curse this new year bringing me fear
Because chasing after a stillborn dream
Is beyond my ability.

This dream, I never want to wake up.
There is a person I love.
A family I built.
An internal balance I perfected.

Would life be cruel to rip that away?
But worst of all,
I could never prepare for that
Because that's how life is.

I became happy gradually,
Without noticing the changes
Because becoming stable and feeling loved
Became my normal.
So, will I never notice what I will lose?
Can that hurt me more than noticing at all
And trying to stop it
At a demise?
Dec 2019 · 185
The death of a good time
Alex Smith Dec 2019
Simple fights,
Sleepless nights.
I can make her hate me,
I got that in my sights.
What is right?

I'm here, on a plane,
Miles away-
Ready to cry because
I can't be better.

I disappoint
And disjoint
As a way to
Disrupt, destroy, destruct
Our happiness.

This is the suicide
Of a good time.
My emotionality
And neuroticism
Is the cyanide.
Swallow down the pill;
Drink, drink, drink-
Don't spill.

Pull apart me,
Limb from limb
Because the pain I hold
In my heart each day
Is worse than what any
Torturer could have in store.

My emotions haunt me,
Scare me,
Caress me,
Love me,
**** me over,
And **** me.

I am the one who kicks
Myself when I'm down.
I have an internal battle,
A war
Of the mind,

I am a bit imbalanced.
I make people hate me.
I hold this in everyday,
This simple fact-
Something that can make me blow up.

I am the nuke
And this time, I explode
Like a kamikaze,
I take myself.

Sadness overwhelming.
Dec 2019 · 171
Hard to love
Alex Smith Dec 2019
I am cold
With a stone body.
As a rock.
I am a sculpture of
Blank face,
Carved slate.
I am hard to love,
With no embrace
From this faceless rock.
Tuned to stone,
And a heart so cold.
You flail your arms
And wrap them around me
And wail.
Because, I failed
To maintain my humanity.
As the worst body to love,
I become a rock,
And stay stone faced
And hard to love.
As a sculpture I stand,
Not as a human,
But some terrible stone creature.
And I wear away,
Dec 2019 · 118
Who am i
Alex Smith Dec 2019
Who am I.
Who attempted suicide
Maybe took one too many psychedelic drugs.
My brain is ****** up now
I lost my smarts.
I once was intelligent.
Now I'm nothing.
A depressed,
Obsessed mess -
Straying from the path
I originally had.

I once was straight edge,
And took my life seriously
With a goal,
With a proactive mind.
Now I try
To be fine.
Turmoil comes in many ways
But it's different when among the days
You think about how you
Could die.

Maybe I still want to.
Who am I.

I forgot.

I don't even know how to write poetry anymore.

Alex Smith Aug 2019
I got these
Stale wounds,
Cut open -
Mispoken -
Blood soaked in,
I don't feel
What's real
Slip by and just pass
Like a sail with no mast,
And you're trying to get past
The past
Because it hurts more
Now in the present.
My brain is more dead
And insane
To refrain
And reframe -
Just to end up more poor than a peasant.
I pleased myself,
Released myself.
Just lost the keys
To free myself.
Chained up,
And bound
By my beautiful face
That only keeps its frown.
And I want to die now
Here's a ******* countdown
To a new year,
Play it by my good ear
Sit here,
Right there,
And contemplate
The insurgent hate
I have for myself.
This is the depressive lock down.
Lose it.
Aug 2019 · 180
Alex Smith Aug 2019
Witch hazel memories
Flood my conscious -
And I wish
I couldn't feel,
And be numb
Like astringent.
Aug 2019 · 225
Alex Smith Aug 2019
They say
Depression and obsession
Don't mix well.
I'll see that day.
In a way,
We scar up our hearts
Like cutting veins
And talking insane.
An insanity calamity
Of the mind.
But I sighed,
And said
"I'm fine"
"Today was a great day"
But I'll soon be dead -
I swear -
With poison in my head.
Jul 2019 · 204
Castle Crashing
Alex Smith Jul 2019
We lay in the tide pools
And ponder over future.
Pools made from sweat
And tears
We built a sand castle
Out of our fears.
I thought I'd be safe in there,
Our little castle -
With a fortitude so great.
I was naive.
I was mistaken.
This love,
Just taken
For granted.
I am the abandoned.
My castle fell,
And I have no sand
Left to fix it.
I want to feel somber.
And be lonely,
And slightly melancholy.
Oh sweet trees
And summer breeze,
Bring my princess back to me.
Our Persian rugs
Have become tattered
And worn,
Torn - even.
Now scheming.
Our tide pool dries
And there is no more oasis,
A desert,
Deserted and accused,
My own words,
Turned to abused.
Bruised knees
From kneeling on the hard, dry ground
Staring at our building site.
I lost it,
My might,
No longer mighty.
Courage collapsing carefully over contemplation of our once gold crested contraption.
Our castle fell,
And so do my arms
In defeat.
Jul 2019 · 341
One dimensional
Alex Smith Jul 2019
One dimensional,
Maybe I'm one dimensional
A little misdirectional
And slightly dysfunctional.
Time to feel hypersexual
Fighting myself
Like I have a pervasive obsession
That's so sensational.
Have a story to tell
But I can't read
And plead
To bleed
The ink
That fights so deep
And jeez -
Take the ease off
Puff some nicotine
The fiend
So obscene,
Pop a tab
Trip to be so free.
I have these afflictions.
But there's something
That's missin'
I'm constantly accusin'
A hell.
Some help?
No, I just fell
Into one plain
Of existence
I'm flat and submissive.
I'm occasional,
And blameable,
But most of all,
One dimensional.
Alex Smith Jun 2019
When life gives you lemons, you make some cough drops.
Enough to cure ache inside
from times I've cried
I died
My head
So many times.
I have tried
To come back
And as a matter of fact,
I'm here to act
Upon the soul
In me
Who is too afraid to speak
And eat away
And put my feelings
At bay.
I wish I didn't have to feel sometimes.
I wish,
I could really be divine.
I wish,
I could dine upon
The banquet
I deserve.
Regulate me,
For once.
I want to feel normal.
I want to be ok.
I want to see the day
When I'm on top
And seize it
As if I was that way
A lot.
But no,
Things don't work out that way.
Things don't magically happen.
I struggle
And toil
And spoil myself
Like a foil
To my own protagonist.
This is a tragic story
Agonist -
And I'm the arsonist
To set my body ablaze
And that doesn't even phase
To be
Cloud free
For once.
Just once.
Would make me happy.
And maybe,
One day I will.
If I try.
Alex Smith May 2019
We cast our lines
And hooks
Into the sea
And wait for bites
From the many fish
I never really liked
Fishing anyways
Alex Smith May 2019
We relish in air
Of people who seem to think
It's ok go spit
Empty compliments
In sacrifice
Of meaningful sentiments -
Like a wave of self-respect
Can be forgotten
In a tide
Of fake kindness
May 2019 · 270
The divine mind
Alex Smith May 2019
I am the god
Of my own life -
A songbird to sing
And cling
To those who I love.
I am the author
Of my own story,
My mind is the pen
And hand
With which I write
And scribble new lines -
I am the divine.
Bless'ed be the time
Which I feel beautiful;
Amazing tis the feeling
To feel wonderful,
To share this feeling with others
Is an aptitude
Of a wondrous attitude.
To love yourself
Is to bury your own soul
Into your own heart.
Apr 2019 · 240
Freak Show
Alex Smith Apr 2019
Like an albatross
I criss then cross
Lines of red ink on me
And what's the cost?
I keep fighting,
But lost
And cut my right ear off
Like Evander Holyfield
Or Van Gogh,
An artist,
Now trust.
And me the curse
Who only gets worse
The more you get to know him.
Everything I do
Is a ******* sin.
And life is a pool
I can't jump in-
I can't swim
And then I sink
And think
Of those who can't swim too
In my ocean of negativity
And dying virtues.
These are my cues
To leave out
And choose
The ones who know what
I'm about
Before I lose
My sanity to clout
And pick a fool
Like me.
A maniac and insomniac
And freak show
To be.
Apr 2019 · 230
'Til I'm 50
Alex Smith Apr 2019
I think I'll live 'til I'm 50
If I'm lucky
Man, this life is sucky.
Think I'll live 'til I'm 50
Getting thrifty
Tryin' to get out swiftly
Failed to execute
The time absolute
To be the better one
When I left you-
When I left home
And now I'm grown
With an identity unknown.
Think I'll live 'til I'm 50
Reminiscin' the times when
We would get shwifty,
And now I'm just waiting
For some to lift me
**** me
Whip me-
Maybe that person needs to be me.
Due to the nicotine
And other things
Ruining my psychology
I'm lost,
Running around like a boy
Only leading to a criss cross
And zig zags,
I miss the life
And prospects I once had.
If I'm lucky,
I'll live 'til I'm at most 50.
Alex Smith Apr 2019
It's been a year since my suicide attempt. Right now, I'd be in the ER waiting to find out which inpatient clinic I'd go to. One year. Since, I have escaped from toxic people and shifted from an old self. One year. What do I have to show for it? Emotional outbursts? A nicotine addiction? Abandoning my creativity? A battle with a psychological addiction to psychedelic drugs? What does progress look like? What does it mean to reconstruct yourself? A building torn - that's what I am. A prairie, a forest, which has experienced a wild fire. Beyond recognition, I deface myself - as if to erase myself and destroy the things I like. What does progress look like? Am I getting there? In my view, progress is not always seen by you directly. It is not our job to determine if we make progress, but, by the value of people and situations in our lives, we will have it be seen. To do things for ourselves is wonderful. But, what does progress look like? It looks like making giant leaps forward - and then three steps back. It looks like dipping our toe in the water, and then wanting to dry off. It looks like it's perfect, but actually not. It looks like a broken toy fixed with expired super glue. Who are we to determine progression? It's an obsession of the mind for us to think that progress means we must always be fine - that we must be perfect. If I have a million irrational thoughts in a day, does that make my one totally rational thought insignificant? I think not. If I spend one day totally upbeat, productive, and happy - are my sad feelings any less valid? No. So, progress looks like this: admitting to yourself that sometimes we won't have things together completely. We acknowledge it, think rationally, and move to the next focus. Progress is not total immunization of our quirks, but it is less demonization for how we work. Our brains - they want to help us survive. The brain gets confused among irrational thoughts and can jump and put us in an emotional turmoil jeopardy. But, be kind to yourself. Be kind to the "miswires" in your brain - because it cares for you and wants you to survive. Strive. What does progress look like? I'm not sure if I can see mine - I'm not sure what it totally looks like. But, maybe, look in a mirror. See yourself - the reflection of desire. Aspire to be who you are, judgement free. In a sort of clarity, you can see. Ask yourself:
"What does progress look like?"
It looks a bit like you.
Mar 2019 · 988
Bite me, miss
Alex Smith Mar 2019
We feel ******* vibrations
When our skin touches
And I place lips on your lips
And grab your hips.

And you bury your face in my neck
And it fits perfectly.
Make the love to me -
But without any penetrating
Because your voice alone
Can be my release
And your kisses
Are an ejaculatory

So bite me.
Mar 2019 · 386
Alex Smith Mar 2019
Breaths come in and out
Our open mouths -
But this time you gasp
And grasp
For the words to speak instead
As they form inside your head.
Alex Smith Mar 2019
Racing through life
On tracks like train cars.
But we move too fast
To appreciate the now,
An alternate title: Metra fare
Mar 2019 · 259
Alex Smith Mar 2019
The wind cries Mona
And carries her to me.
Because -
Sometimes I think
This love
Is as pure as can be.
But it can be superficial
Or fake
Or for goodness sake
Please let me get my
Mind straight.
Mar 2019 · 489
What can I say?
Alex Smith Mar 2019
I love you like the
Moon loves the stars
Like the street loves
The cars.
But what can I say?
Before it's too late,
It might already might be-
Alex Smith Feb 2019
A failed boy,
Like a broken toy.
You snap the limbs,
And neck -
Oh joy.
Wondrous pain
And glorious disdain
From all the things around him
And what he'll never feel again -
What is happiness?
Besides a word
An unrequited sentiment
And statement
Of what he might be led to.
A shame -
But notice,
And rearrange.
Seeing his life
And plans
Fleet from him,
Burning in a flame
Of anxiety,
Borderline personality
And impulsive
Behaviors like choke holds.
Let go.
And box up the thoughts,
Put them on a shelf
Next to the forget-me-nots.
Because maybe he can rebound,
And unbound
From the chains
Holding him down
Like being pinned to the ground
He broke through,
Blasted of - shoot.
Like a rocket.
He is growing now,
Or maybe not.
But he can,
I'm just not that good of a person.
Jan 2019 · 780
Ego death
Alex Smith Jan 2019
A mind full of patterns
In every which way.
And cycling
On my walls.
Waves of colors burst
And I forget myself.
Fly into my spiritual dimension
And ascend.
Then it ends.
And I feel some clarity
And comfort
Wash over me.
Jan 2019 · 437
Ravenous, ravenous, rhinos
Jan 2019 · 171
Emotions are like weather
Alex Smith Jan 2019
Emotional droughts
And bouts
Of tear-storms
Wash the sand
Like waves at high-tide.
But this time,
I have a boat
To traverse a
That I cry.

And in the winter
Of my life,
The dove called
Flashes its radiant ravishing, refined wings
And I know that
My spring is near
Because Hope is here.
Jan 2019 · 510
A life philosophy
Alex Smith Jan 2019
Recently I have been dealing with doubts about what my life philosophy is.
I love people- I want to spread kindness and love and support and one day actually help people
(Possibly save people's lives)
But then I think about how much I have changed over these years - specifically the last year and a half. I have become someone different than who I was coming out of high school and starting college.
Yeah, it's pretty ******* "normal" for that to happen...but for me it was like an identity crisis. For me it was like the facets of how I understood my ego were falling apart and I was a caricature of who I once was.
But get this:
Since then I have found a happiness beyond what I thought was happiness. I have found some sort of reasoning to live beyond academic success and maintaining an image that is supposed to be perfect. I am learning that my flaws are making me beautiful. I am learning that sometimes I am not even that flawed. I am learning that I don't need to have all my **** together..
Because what is the point of living this life and learning new things everyday if I already did have all my **** together?
I battled with expanding my horizons and what I really wanted out of life. I dabbled with breaking straight edge and found some weird solace in psychedelics. I learned to be honest with myself. But that maybe I can be honest with other people too.
I found love at a different level that I can't convey to people - and I don't even ******* care if people understand.
I found an internal happiness that I want to radiate out but still get too afraid to do that because what if it all falls apart?
But maybe I can become a bit more confident.
Maybe I can bend my own twisted ideas and break a cycle I used to find myself into -
Because I am getting better.
So, if I were to explain my new life philosophy..
I would say:
It's ok to not be ok -
Things come,
And things pass -
Bad things don't last
And people can break through
From chains
Binding them,
Without shattering
Like glass -
But if in some way we break,
We can be repaired.
Because we aren't stalled
Or hopeless
And our past
Doesn't color
The future -
A neon light
So bright,
Colors the future in hues.
Our reality is what we make of it now,
And how we can learn from it later.
So live, and learn.
And shine on,
You crazy diamond.
Whoa is this a manifesto?
Dec 2018 · 626
On being overbearing
Alex Smith Dec 2018
I'm overbearing,
Always oversharing.
Too much caring
So cease
The beast
That feasts
And preys
On my heart
With every defeat.
Oct 2018 · 262
Too hard
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Hold me so close
That we feel the static
Between us.
Love me so hard
That the weight could **** me.
Oct 2018 · 1.5k
Amaze me.
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Amaze me,
Or maybe just phase me
Blast me in a hazey maze
With your hasty ways
And your phazers
Cutting me like razors
Erase her,
Till the time it pays - off.
And help yourself
To get so well
Getting out of
Your personal hell.
I'm progressing,
Can't you tell?
That rhyme scheme though.
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Why am I ******* up
So bad?
What I am even doing?
When am I ever gonna learn?

I met you in downtown Chicago...
But I had to leave
The very next day.
So we made plans to live in New York City-
And maybe visit LA.

Showing me things I
Thought I'd never see-
Was it love
Or just my fantasy?
Was it real-
Or just a dream?
Was it pleasant,
Or my nightmare?
Sometimes you get so anxious,
And I take it personal-
But little did I know
Is that you were just as hurt
And as scared as me.

Was it real-
A dream,
Or fantasy?

Well, at least we
Will always have
Downtown Chicago-
And concerts-
And movies nights
When we'd watch
Some great flicks...

I first met you in downtown Chicago...
I left the very same day.
But I promised I would
Travel to New York City,
And then maybe come meet you in LA,
Even if for one day.

So be my teacher-
My favorite person-
And my friend-
Accept me as I am,
I will care for you unconditionally-
No matter what we are.
Because my heart
Will remain
Where we first met
In downtown Chicago.
This poem was partly adapted from the song "Chicago" by Highly Suspect. A poem for my best friend who I am hopelessly in love with, but nothing will come of it. A poem of acceptance of that, but that I will still always love and care for her. We first met in Downtown Chicago at a little ramen shop. We had amazing times. We made plans to one day live together in New York City and to visit her hometown of LA. One day, maybe one day.
Oct 2018 · 343
Count me Out
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Who am I?
A poet who wants
To stargaze?
But in my ways,
I am blinded-
Like I'm bound
By chains of depression-
I don't mind it.
Let it flow into my
Dead head
As I drift off to bed.
I can be perfect-
And then the worst.
I can be amazing-
And then a curse-
A hex-
A spell-
Leading people to a personal hell,
Like I do to myself.
Positivity bleeding,
And beating out of me
Like a river of blood
To a make a flood
Out of tears.
Beyond my years,
And fears-
I have my own shadow
Of doubt.
So now
I'm out
Of the count.
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Lies come and
cover your eyes
from the truth
because that's
what they're meant
to do.
Oct 2018 · 296
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Cats have the power to heal,
Because they feel
What you feel.
These companions,
Connected to us
With love and spirit.
And they are unaware
Of how much they help us.
And for that, we
Must always
Take care of them.
Oct 2018 · 247
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Why do we wrap ourselves
In the light of others?
Like a drape
We are giving
To one
As if they can
Shield you from your own
But all they can give you
Is loose compliments
And kind sentiments.
You were shrouded in your
Own light,
Long before they came.
You'll be still as bright
When they leave.
Oct 2018 · 272
It gets better
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Like a jack-o'-lantern
Who can shine for
A mile.
Show yourself,
Like you are breaking free
Of chains
That bind you.
And light up,
Like the sun,
To blind you.
Oct 2018 · 213
Broken Hearts Club
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Hearts break so fast
Like shatter-proof glass
With no pieces left
To salvage
And put back together.
Oct 2018 · 10.4k
Alex Smith Oct 2018
My mistake
Was loving you too hard.
My regret
Was never telling you
That I needed love back.
Oct 2018 · 276
A poem for my first cat
Alex Smith Oct 2018
You looked up at me,
Expecting some demise.
You just woke up,
I was amazed to see
Your small black and white
Body curled.
Your tummy rising and falling.
You were beautiful.
The way you held on
To me as I picked you up;
My Leo.
I long to hear your bell again:
Sure, it kept me up all night-
In fact, your meows along
Lost me hours of sleep.
You were talkative, yes.
But, I suppress…
I lived for you in that moment.
I miss how you would hide.
Some nights I would cry
If I couldn’t find your hiding spot.
Of course, you didn’t realize how
Much you scared me.
But, surely you knew
The care
I had for you.
I long to nap with you
Again, my friend.
My first cat.
I wanted to spend
A good portion of my life with you.
But, life had other plans.
You were born with some mis-wires.
You had trembles,
Electrical shocks turning to personal
You stopped eating then.
You were unhealthy.
And it became hard
To admit
That with all the love I had,
It could never have prevented
The end.
On my first cat who passed way before his time. His name was Leonardo, Leo for short.
Oct 2018 · 202
Local Freakshow
Alex Smith Oct 2018
I don’t want to be asked if I’m ok.
I don’t want to be addressed when I’m upset.
Just leave me alone-
And hope to not let the world see how much
Of a freak
I really feel I am.
Sorry if it puts the
Circus out of business.
Oct 2018 · 216
I can't wait to see
Alex Smith Oct 2018
I can attack you with a thousand hugs
And Compliments.
I can also attack you
With coldness
Explosive anger
And tears of anguish.
Which one will you be?
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Who have I become recently?
A person who subjectively
Falls apart,
Or has objectivity
Become a lost art?
I am unable
To make moves
And to get better
On my own.
And people know this.
So I have faked this
False happiness
Long enough.
Let’s going back to crying
And suicide
And wanting to die
Because it seems like
That’s what I’m good at most anyways.
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Am I really unproductive?
I guess so
So maybe that’s why
I eventually become boring
And annoying to people.
Because as amazing and creative as I could be
I am still unmoving and unwilling to change.
And I am not productive,
So I know I won’t do anything in the end.
Oh, so that’s why they all leave.
It is a reflection of me,
A mirror on everyone else’s face,
A gaze into everyone else’s eye
And then I see
What they see of me,
And what I am is a
Kind of guy.
So that’s why they leave.
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Why am I here?
Oh God I shouldn't be here
Oh god I should disappear
Oh God why did I reapper
Oh god don't let me get close
Oh **** I won't get near
Oh God this is weird
Oh God let me leave
Oh God this place isn't for me.
Oh **** no one is talking to me.
It's because I'm crazy
And that they don't like me.
What is going on with me?
God is not used in a religious way. I am not religious.
Oct 2018 · 277
No new friends
Alex Smith Oct 2018
I will tell you something about
Best friends
And good people:
They just don't exist.
And sometimes
You are the worst one.
Oct 2018 · 538
Alex Smith Oct 2018
Love is the pit
I find myself in
Too many times
To be forgotten by another
Who probably didn't deserve me
Or maybe I didn't deserve them:
I don't.

Love is like a pit,
And I slipped from the edge.
And when I fall,
I fall hard.
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