I want to stop
I swear i will
I’ll put down the fork and spoon and I will be still

Leave me alone
Let me heal
But every time you try, you see, it’s not just food I steal

I steal happiness and memories and sleep
I steal all the smiles full of teeth and money you cant keep
Because we spent it all on hospital trips wondering why I cant eat

And they’ll give me medicine
And then the cycle will begin again

——-

When I was 16 I finally was fit
I could run and jump and sing until I made myself sick
It’s fine during the daytime when you see me standing tall
But at night i’d crumple and i’s fall
You don’t know what I hid inside my walls

Because I hid happineiss and memories and sleep
I hid  all the smiles full of teeth and money we couldent keep
Because we spent it all on hospital trips
Wondering why I can’t eat

And they’d give me medicine
And the cycle would begin again

————-

Now im almost 22 and I’ve destroyed my home
Muscles turn limp and my heart is stone cold
I only feel happiness with a mouth full of food

I know this cant be the life I choose
And i bit off more than I can chew
Maybe my lifes better without you

Because you aren’t happiness and memories and sleep
You aren’t smiles full of teeth but you gave me money that I still need
Because you aren’t perfect so why should I be

And i’ll take my medicine
But I won’t come home again
Because home isn’t giving in

And I’m so much more then when i eat

I got a twitch in my nose
Just can keep still
Because you'll never know
That I love you for real

It's cute when we say it
But it's more than that
It's the feeling of taking a leap
Knowing it might be a step back

Don't know how you'll react...

But I love you
The whole you
The person in and out
Who's crooked smile
is the only thing I think about

And even when your mouth
droops down into a frown
I want to be the one to help you through
Whatever it is you need to do
to make you smile again
But will "more than a friend"
make you frown?

Deep dive
No jump is ever too high
Don’t really care if I die
Can’t be worse than all my insides

Jumping
Up and down on my Boxspring
Hit the ceiling now I’m flailing
On the floor my blood is spilling

Deep breath
Get your cell and call an ambulance
Better yet hit up my therapist
Whosever willing to take care of this

Want to invest my time
But it seems like a waste
People melt like cough drops
Gone, but I still got the taste

One foot
Two foot
One foot back

Walking down the isle for the wrong occasion
Take my place in line in the precession

Until now you were holding it together
I'm next in line-- eyes lock on eachother
Face to face and I can mutter
is "I'm sorry about your father".

Break down in front of the alter
Time is still as we cling to one another
The same church we grew up in together
Familiar yet strange to remember




When the world's to big for you
split it down the middle
We can bear this load
Together we'll see it through

A rose is sweet
But Rosé is sweeter
Got me a bottle
When the world's a little bitter

Pour me a glass
or 2
or 3
I got nobody,
No place I gotta be

It goes
down
down
down
into the pit

I dig
down
down
down
until I'm buried underneath all my ****

...

This
sweet
sweet
sweet
Oblivion

I'm a
sweet
sweet
sweet
sweet
Contradiction

...

Hey Mr. Sun, how are you
Haven't seen you in a month or 2
or 3
or 4
I'm fine, give me more
One bottles' just a bottle until I hit the floor

Do you ever want to down?
Like, just ******* drown.
Maybe someone could hold me down
It feels good to drown

I am forced to make the bad decisions
like there was no option for good
I know it's self sabatoge
But man it feels good

You see,
The effort is the stressor

So hold me down
Please hold me down
I don't want to think right now

Because if you don't hold me down



I'll swim  



For how long?

-don't know.

Where?

-don't know.

Will I make it?

Will anyone care?


If I try to swim and don't make it, will anyone care?

Or

--wait---

I mean ridicule.
Will they ridicule me?

See,
That's why I need you.

Because it's all on you.
It's not my fault if I drown
If your hand pushes me down

I'll think about the stars I'll never see
I wouldn't see them regaurdless

Blacked out reality is quite easy
Swishing dreams in my mouth is easy


...


But if your arm gets tired
And I'm too hard to sink
Maybe we could swim together?

Dear Room,

You have been pink
You have been blue
And yellow, then pink again
I even drew Whinnie the poo

And now you're white
With one wall blue
And I have loved 15 years with you

Soon another little girl may burst in
With different color to choose
But I will always remember
That you were me, and I was you

I was dead
Every kiss, from the beginning: empty
Nothingness
It was easy to feel nothing
Nothing was nothing

or maybe it was him...
Dead
The lies were rotting his insides
Plastic encasing his face

Or maybe it was me...
Pushing and pulling my weights on my ankles
They were toys, not chains.
And he didn't like that.

...

Maybe it was us...
Maybe we killed each other
Grinding each other into dust
Into nothingness

I wished I pulled away
but I so badly wanted to feel
So I kept forcing the gears to grind
I wanted to feel what my thoughts were screaming
"This boy is a God-send!"

Maybe that's why I buried my bible...

My spirits were slashed
I had rather we decay together
Than to loose faith in feeling

But faith isn't fact
because on paper we were vile
We needed to burn our book


...so I did


My insides caught flame
but I remember is the glow of the embers
The story distorts as new anecdotes are cached
All that pain for more numb nothingness.

My faith was placed wrong pile
I relished in the the absence
but the body that desperately wanted to feel
Was telling me from the start...

No flame
No spark
No love
Just blind faith
in numb nothingness.

Sometimes it hard to see
Though the foggy land we walk
Sometimes its hard to know
There's support among the talk
Chatter blurs my head with things unsaid
Should I have even tried at all?
There's only one way to know
I guess I need to fall

When it gets dark, it gets easier
Not knowing who's around
Their candle light burns in my eyes
No peace of mind as I hit the ground
I know they've tried
And opened up their eyes
But mine don't seem to work
I just want to try to get there
Without getting hurt.

Todays the day, is always the day
But somehow it's still tomorrow
"One foot in front of the other"
Is just talk among my sorrow
No one can do it for me
I'm lost and scared and cold and lonely
But the worst sound of all is my own voice
Making promises continuously

I  am facing yet another war, and I know you are too.
So please know,
This battle is worth fighting for you.
I rather be loved by the outcasted,
Then to be hated by the royalty.
But I will always be a princess suited in metal armor.

I promise to hold your hand and clense you of your wounds,
I promise to always listen,  validate, and accept you no matter what weight, age, color, size, sexuality or diagnosis.
I promise to always fight for your safe haven to become the world you live in.

Even if you do not think you are worth it,

I always will.


Equality for all,
Or equality for none.

If i kept quiet,
If i let the comment slide,
If i tried to please the people i lost,
I would be considered pretty,
I would be liked by my boyfriends parents and family,
I would be a leader in a religious community,
And i would have gone with my boyfriend to get his tattoo today and would now be getting home from a nice birthday dinner with his family instead of fighting back tears, violently rummaging through my brain, looking for the filing cabinet labeled "flaws".
I couldn't help asking myself "what is wrong with me? What did i do wrong?"

Nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. Something is wrong with you. Something is wrong with you.
You do not like me because i am not just not a pretty face with a silent smile they thought i was upon first glance. I am not always girl with her hands folded in prayer and her legs crossed. I am more then that. I have always been more then that.
You are scared,
Disgusted,
And angry.  
All because i speak up,
All because i question the unquestionable,
All because im different.
I do not just socialize with the outcasted, I hold hands with your sinners and call them "friends", and mean it when i say it.
You can follow your bible so far.  
You can not fake actions and feelings just because that book told you to.
You can not say something and mean another.
Your skin is not enough opaque,
I can see that your heart is transparent.

I am not sorry and will never be sorry that dizzied your mind.
Im am not sorry that i pulled away the fog that you have always ben accustomed to.

And now your scared.
Scared that you are not "number 1"
Scared that i will take away your son,
Scared that I will change him,
And scared to admit that it is all happening right in front of you,
But you choose to close your eyes.
And if you open them,
Even just for a peek,
You pout,
You stomp your massive feet,
and you inflict the one thing that i will never purposefully inflict on your son,
Pain.
Congratulations.

I may not ooze adoration, but i my actions can speak "love"  to a stranger louder then your carefully chosen descriptive, cryptic lingo ever could.

Your love holds no weight.

And now I feel a sadness that clings to my back and climbs through my heart.
I am the outcast because of you again.
I think he's in control,
But i forget he's still your puppet.
But he's nibbling at the strings.

I missed out today-
But you will miss out for a lifetime is you keep this up.
So listen.
He loves me.
He loves you too.
I know you don't believe in evolution,
But you can not stop him from evolving.
I didn't do anything to him.
If he didn't hear some words of wisdom from me,
He would eventually hear all of them from someone else.
So stop punishing me because you are ignorant.
Because you are ultimately punishing him when you punish me.

I am your friend...
I am the underdog/
I am the rebel/
I am the forgotten/
I am the mocked/
I stand up for the persecuted,
weak,
discriminated,

Even though am not the one who fell asleep upon a tear soaked pillow tonight,
Even though I am not the one discriminated against for something i can not change,
Even though I am not the one outcasted only to be surrounded by laughter and wallow in my self pity,
I will be that one,
Holding your hand,
Making you laugh,
Fighting for you,
And you are worth it.

You may not know,
But because of you i have lost many experiences and people.
Best Friends,
Birthday dinners,
My Thursday nights,
The religion i have been baptized into.
And still i say, you were worth it.

I believe people can change. Anyone, in any time of their life can change, but only if they are willing. The problem lies in the fact that most people are not willing to change, they are, instead, trying to change you.

I have tried to reach through their mental barriers, but words only push so hard. I tried to show them videos, certian circumstances, I even took a stand against an entire community, risked relationships with people that I love, people who looked up to me, people that were important... But, I guess, not as important as the big picture I see.

They will always refuse to see my picture and rather show me theirs. I listened, I watched, I read, and I submerged myself in their world, and tried to see what they saw... And I still said "no".

So when I try to do the same, I am not even aloud to bring it up anymore, unless it's from their relm, because they are cowards. They want to believe, not take action. People are timid to bleed, to cry, to feel what another feels. The truth makes them cringe because they don't understand. They don't want to understand. So therefore it's wrong, or it's right, or it ceases to exist.

Change requires action.
I hope you're comfey in your chair.

I like sitting here.
I like wondering off,
Into the abyss.
I like documentaries.
Looking into other peoples' lives.
Seeing their problems,
Their scars.
It makes me forget of my own.

I dont know how
to deal with the good.
Ive been going through the bad
Day in,
Day out.
I got used to crying.
So to my surprise,
I got what I wanted.
I felt undeserving.

Was I dreaming?
I might as well been.
I ignored all other aspects of my life.
Because being loved,
Is the best feeling in the world.
It feels weird even typing it.
I feel that if i say it,
That it will be taken away,
Just as quickly.
I wanna return the love,
Because I have it.
I just am guarded too.
I don't want him to figure me out.
If he does,
When he does
...

He'll be gone.

Im not sure why he's here.
Does he like me?
All of me?
Ive let myself slip through the cracks,
And not I've made my way,
Back to the bottom.
Looking at myself in the mirror,
Wiping away the tear.
Im flooded with disappointment.
Im happy with myself.
But others aren't.
They will make false assumptions.
But I could just say
"You don't need them,
Who cares"
But...
I need him.

Ive wrote all these poems.
All about him.
But now,
Im scared.
What will
He think?
But you know what,
Here's what i think,
"Im too fat,
And your too skinny.
We're not too smart,
But we look so pretty,
Sittin' by the fire,
Talkin' the night away."

Do you know,
Every time i go on facebook,
Im looking for traces of you?
Every time i go on instagram,
Im looking for a picture,
that shows your life.
Im looking ,
Searching for evidence.
I know i will see you tomorrow,
But tomorrow can never come slower.
Its like getting homesick,
An emptiness,
A void i need to fill.
And i feel that sometimes
i don't know what i should do.
Should i look for you to fill me,
Or stitch myself up?
Because its never certain,
I feel like im always guessing.
Did i say the right thing?
Did i look okay?
Did i scare him off yet?
Because so many have already left,
But they weren't even mine.
So instead of embarrassing myself,
Humiliated,
By the unreturned feelings,
I will remain in the corner.
I will stay in the safety of silence.
Not the sound of silence,
Because i talk a lot,
But the feeling.
Words with no meaning behind them.
A present,
wrapped in pretty pink paper,
And when you open it,
It's empty.
Even though you may try to pull me out,
You may try to give me that gift,
I may never try to open it.
Not because i didn't want to.
Its because i didn't know it was there.
And i see the other girls.
They swoon to you.
Its like when you feed pidgins in a park,
And your holding the seed.
I don't know why your still here.
I don't know why,
you chose the one pidgin,
Who cant fly.
So thats why i hide.
Thats why i stare at screens,
Instead of into your eyes.
Im scared.
Im scared you will find some flaw,
Find one of my many imperfections.
Yet you treat me,
With the sweetest of words.
And don't know how to react.
And those words fill me.
Yet the satisfaction leaves.
It runs scared,
just like i imagine you will,
Because of my reaction.
My stupid blurted out response.
It doesn't compare.
You are a much kinder,
Gentler,
Beautiful,
Creature.
Inside and out.
I paint on my beauty.
My response,
doesn't reflect my affection towards you,
I want to show it.
Desperately.
But i have put up this armor for so long,
Its hard for me to break it down.
But i want to.
Desperately.
And one day,
I hope i will.

They always show these girls,
Skinny girls,
With the pizza,
The ice cream,
The junk foods.
Advertising.
And i think I can be one of them.
I think i can eat whatever i want.
And be okay.
...
No.
Its not okay.
Food is an addiction,
I don't care what anyone says,
Its an addiction.
Its whats eating me alive,
Even thought its he other way around.
Food can be your best friend,
It comforts you when your sad,
Its almost an activity.
Not thinking about what you need,
But what you want.
You become greedy.
Then you look in the mirror,
At the mess you've made.
You get on the scale and think-
"What have I done?"
And you can't blame anyone but yourself.
You can hide from it.
Crash all the mirrors and eat because its now what you do best.
Its all you want.
Sweet bits of happiness.
You forget for awhile.
You have an escape from life,
An escape from the stress.
But one day that mirror will find you.
And you will realize what you need to do.
Stop.
I don't want to be too far gone.
Too far to turn around.
But what is too far?
Am i already too far?
I might be clawing at my skin,
Crying in my bed,
Screaming
because i have to use food as energy,
Instead of entertainment.
It hurts,
Constantly fighting in my head.
But I have to
I can't look anymore.
I am not me.
I am suffocating.

If you only knew,

I'd stare in the mirror
Then stare a bit harder
"I look fine, don't worry"
those words were my armor.
Because when im alone,
Its just me.
No one around
To call me ugly.
But kids are cruel,
I thought to myself
And in my situation
I was left on the shelf.
Hate shows acknowledgment,
and i was not hated.
They were okay to my face,
But i was being tolerated.
Being shown pity
made me confused.
What did they see?
Was it my hair or my shoes?
I looked in the mirror,
Again i looked "fine"
But then another thought
Crossed through my mind.
"Maybe they see,
Something else?
Maybe I'm not supposed,
To like my self?"
This started it all,
Now I saw me.
With the mirror upside down,
Came the negativity.
I would look at myself,
With confusion and disgust.
I would curse at the world
That I would no longer trust.
I would sit on the floor.
Until I'm blue in the face
From fighting my demons
That I could not erase.
Gelatinous bulges,
Consumed my body,
Restricting my looks,m
my hidden personality.
I felt embarrassed,
I felt felt upset.
I would start to scream,
I was filled with regret.
Id pray every night
For a little change,
And that my future would not
Forever stay the same.
And those prayers were answered,
But it took years to recover,
So much pain and hurt,
That no one would uncover.

So i was broken,
And now released from the cult,
I can express myself,
And take some control.
Those years are gone,
But i still hurt.
I have to look back in time,
So see I'm no longer "her".
So when they are confused,
Why im a little defensive,
I will direct them to this poem,
To see my perspective.
But these is just words,
Strung in a pattern,
The hell that Iwent through,
Doesn't really matter.
Because the words are past tense,
And others are suffering,
And its not those who post it,
On social networking.
Its the quiet girl,
You won't expect
Because she wants to look normal,
Not perfect.

She bothers me,
I don't know why.
But I know i'm the reason,
For the tears she will cry.
But that's not it.
Its the possibility,
That I could of been her,
So easily.

- And....

I don't know why
he feels this way.
Im sorry for you,
What else can I say!
Im sorry his love,
Is invested in me?
Im sorry that this time,
Its working out for me?
So i'll love him with pride,
But also with shame.
With all the brokenhearted ,
Im the one they blame.
So when your with him,
I won't be present
Not because you are "winning",
Because i feel your resentment.
So look at the picture,
See it my way.
He likes me still,
And you see him everyday.
So don't be angry,
Step back in line.
It will work out for you,
But this is my time.

Green face paint.
Little conversations.
Budding love
with no complications.
A warm blanket
laid over me.
My cheeks are flushed
I feel oddly giddy.

Look-
then look away.

For we cannot see
when I look at you,
when you look at me.
That was the beginning,
let us know no end
because life is a story
and you are holding the pen.

Your rode map is tattered.
Not a penny to your name.
But just a year ago,
You were on top,
had the riches and the fame.
I bet you never thought,
Your greasest enemy,
The one you rivaled with,
Would turn out to be me.
You loved to manipulate,
Bend and splatter.
I didnt know my pureness,
Would make you shatter.
"Till the end" you say,
As we embrace in a hug.
I never thought the end was coming,
Until you swatted me like a bug.
Now you want a come back.
And you need different allies.
So you push away me.
But I believed all of your lies.
"Best friend."
Best friends.
"Oh c'mon you don't have to pretend!"
...
I wasn't.
I cared.
I loved you.
I was there!
And now you want to exlude me,
From your new "important" people.
You grew tired of the old you,
ditched the church and the steeple.
So now your headed,
In a different direction.
Keeping me out of the picture,
And giving them your infection.

Well that's great.

But im hurt.

Im hurt that you have this mindset,
Im hurt that i feel loss.
Im hurt that i let you in
And now i pay the cost.
But i let others in too,
And friend groups will change.
But just remember this,
The true friends will remain.

I sit here and stress
About the highs and lows of tomorrow
If you will think of me or not
If i am important
If am important enough for effort
To choose me over something simple.
I choose you.
But who cares,
Your not "ready" to except love.
But i wasnt.
I broke.
But if you did-
That means more.
Because you are most important to you.
So if i back off
If im quiet
And if i leave
Its me protecting myself.
Its me trying to prevent a crack
Or a chip
Or a scratch
Because they all hurt the same.
But you dont care about the damage done to me.
So as i sit there
From the warm glow of the candles
I hope i dont wish for you.
Because you should of been there already.

You say the sweetest things,
And keep me attatched.
I give you my heart,
And forget the past.
We share a moment,
I feel so lucky,
That i get to have you
This means to much to me.
I walk down the hallway,
So see the same,
You With another girl,
And you say her name.
But what about me?
What about what we shared?
Did you forget what you said?
Now Im scared.
I hold back the water,
About to drip from my eye.
I was so gaurded
And you were my only guy.
I only saw you.
I feel betrayed,
Lied to and beaten up,
Its me who needs some space.
I see you with her,
And my heart breaks.
I dont know what to feel,
I dont know what it takes,
To be with you.
I dont know
if i want to be with you.
Because...

You hurt me.

Every word,
And evey smile,
Laughing and joy,
Let's stay for a while.
Sharing secrets.
And from the start.
You had a piece of me,
A piece of my heart.
I was there for you.
A shoulder to cry on.
"Through thick and thin,"
An unbreakable bond.

But you forgot,
What we had.
For someone else,
it makes me sad.
He means more to you.
A change of perception.
I dont want to hurt you.
Im now competition.
But
i dont want to compete.
But
You don't need to me to feel complete.
I thought you did,
But now I realize,
Your true intensions.
So was it all lies?
Was that "bond"
Really there?
All my pain and suffering,
You didn't care?
You
You tell me your selfish.
But I say your more.
And you still tear me down,
Until i hit the floor.

You cant breathe,
If he loves anybody.
And you cant bare,
If that person is me.
I just want,
My friend back.
When did,
Your heart turn black?
Mine never did,
And it never will.
I just want everyone happy,
But you can't swollow that pill.
I won't allow,
You to ruin.
All we have.
We don't have to end.
You don't benefit,
From seeing me smile.
But i want whats best for you,
Please stay a while.

A friendship and a relationship.
Are completely separate.
How could just drop everything,
Like you don't give a ****?
I listened you.
I respected you,
I supported you,
I loved you as my own.
I held you at your weakest point,
When you trashed my throne.
And what do I receive?
What do I get in return?
A guilt trip,
And a lesson learned.
I don't want to accept,
Your insensitivity.

So just know,
No matter what.

I will purely love you,
From forever to infinity.

Things happen,
Unexpectedly.
It will hit you like a storm,
On the raging sea.
Getting sick,
From the bumpy ride.
More and more waves,
Move you side to side.
But you have to realize,
You need to go with the flow,
Swim against the current,
And your pace will slow.
Always move foward,
But admire the past.
It happened for a reason,
So a new net you will cast.
There are always more fish,
In the deep blue sea.
Don't get hung up on one,
When tomorrow you can catch three.
So what ever the future,
Holds for me.
Now I will be floating along,
Without a care in the sea.

It's a crazy concept.
That the feeling is mutual.
Constantly saying "no",
So hearing "yes" is unusual.
All that time,
Ive been denying,
All that time,
I could of stopped crying.
But it was tough,
Being the one unwanted,
For so long being put down,
And today im still haunted.
All those years,
Feeling useless,
No one looking at me,
A continuous mess.
I have to understand,
That i have changed.
Your not that girl anymore,
So dont feel ashamed.
I am here now,
And so is he.
Now help the sad little girl,
Because that girl was me.

Have you ever felt pain,
Of a serious sort?
You just sit there,
And think,
About how it all fell short.
You said you'd be there,
Through thick,
And thin.
But why would you do this?
You think id still let you in?
From the nasty things,
That you have shared.
From ruining my chances,
And you loving to compare.
But you underestimated me,
And in the end of it all,
You watched with pleasure,
As i continued to fall.
But i got up,
When someone else caught me.
You did what you do best,
And took all there glory.
And its not my fault,
It worked to my advantage,
That i have attention,
That im no longer damaged.
Then you looked my savior,
Dead in the eyes,
I looked too,
And was pleasently supprised.
Because your game,
Is minipulation,
And you will always be,
In some complecation.
You wanna fight me,
And lie too.
And when i cry,
Its for you.
Because seeing me happy,
Seeing me complete,
Makes you upset,
Makes you weak.
So you keep fighting,
But i will stand my ground.
Because someone once said,
"You will never be crowned,
If you always back down."

Do you know what its like
To be heart broken?
When your ripped apart.
Or torn open?
Hopeless
With hope
Is what i have.
Not know the outcome,
Is why im sad.
I feel so stupid,
My work went to waste,
Overlooking my side,
Without having a taste.
Do you know what its like
To be over looked?
I have the missing peice,
That she almost took.
Today im upset.
Tomorrow ill be better.
But right now i have chills,
That cant be solved with a sweater.
A tear falls down,
But i wipe it away.
Im stonger than that,
But my heart is decayed.
Im nervous,
Ancious,
Scared,
Upset.
Do you know how i feel,
Do you have any regret?
I will push a little harder,
Untill im nothing,
Because -
I dont know.
I just dont know

Life changes fast.
You may think,
Youve reached the end of the story.
But little did you know
A new book comes out,
Adding more to the elaborate plot.
You may think,
Where you stand is forever,
But one minute your on the gound,
And the next your paramount.

Three hours.
Three hours is how fast,
The rollercoaster I'm on goes.
And hes the conductor.
And when i finially thought ,
I have gained control,
I go through a loop,
And my mind is twisted.

I don't understand,
The feelings you have.
And you need to understand,
You don't know mine.
If you could only see,
How desparatley ive been trying,
How much I've been shuned,
What I went throught.
Then maybe,
Just maybe,
You can make a conclusion.
Talk to me.
Just talk.
Why don't we talk.
If your just as confused as i am,
If everything i thought,
My wildest dreams,
Are in fact today true,
Why does your face show a different story?
Can you change at the drop of a hat?
Like i can.
Can you change if you read my book?
Have you tried?

I know there was electricity,
That i thought was dead.
Maybe theres a spark left.
But the one who i trust most
Cut our conection.
Can we fix it?
Thats what i want-
thats what i NEED
to know.
You have loved ,
As i have loved you.
Can we go back?
Why are you,
Broken too?

My worst nightmare has come true,
My skies are filled with black,
Not blue.
I never thought,
This could be true.
But we all have to die one day,
So be gone the dream of you.
I'm sick to my stomach.
I'm dizzy and tired.
I never thought Brutus,
Would take my empire.
So now I lie down on the ground,
Cold as stone.
Because that's where you want me,
This is my new home.
Ripped apart.
Limb by limb.
Crushing dreams,
That should never of been.
She took my crown,
That I stepped up for.
She took my love.
My heart is torn.
Didn't listen to others.
And now im shattered.
I'll be here for a while,
Because nothing else matters.
So believe what you want.
It's all twisted.
I had a chance,
But I guess I missed it.
Now that it's gone
I get to lie,
With betrayal,
Embarrassment,
And heartbreak,
Close by my side.
.

Im confused.
I can not allow myself to be happy,
To feel loved.
And when it is expressed to me,
I brush it off my shoulder.
As though it ment nothing.
And that's the problem.
It does mean something,
But im not sure what.
Maybe smiles,
Laughter,
Squinted eyes,
And rosy cheeks.
Those memories
And good feelings I give you,
You are now trying to express back to me.
But maybe you have different memories.
You do see the laughter and smiles,
But maybe a pretty girl,
With bright eyes
Appeared first.
A warm, cozy feeling wraps you,
As it did for me.
Or maybe you think nothing.
And these over analyzing of thoughts,
Leads me down a dark road.
A lonely memory,
An old way of life
Flashes back.
Dispare,
Awkwardness,
Shyness,
Agravation,
Self- loathing feelings
Raindown apon me.
So I can't think of the positve you see in me.
Even when you tell me to love you,
And show me with open arms
That it's okay,
I just can't.
I'm broken.
Maybe you can't see,
But I cannot accept-
The love that i so desperately want,
The friendship that I need to establish,
Affection,
Attention,
That I crave with every fiber of my being.
But I can't show it.
So I've built an invisible bulletproof wall.
You, my friend may not see it,
But I can tell you sense it's presence.
And that fact alone,
Kills me.
I so desparatley want to tear it down,
Too feel your warm presence,
But it's for your own good,
        my own good.
Because if I show my friendship,
And express my love,
And give you everything I've been holding back
For so long,
...
It's simply too much.
Im too much for you to bare.
       For anyone to bare.
So I'd rather go completely numb to the world,
Than loose sight of you.
And that is already in progress.
I know I'm just another,
But I'm different.
And thar's why I'm confused.
I train myself to think like everyone else,
But I have a different perspective.
So I keep my distance,
Which slowly breaks our bond,
Along with my weary heart.
But it 's for the best.
I'd rather be eased off into loneliness,
than having the whole world one day,
And loosing it the next.
Because that has happened.
And I can not go on if history repeat itself.
So here I sit.
In the corner,
Watching everyone dance to the music.
And then I think,
Maybe your confused too.

I dont know myself anymore.
Its crazy to think that,
Almost every minute,
And every second
Is just a big show.
The laughing,
The smiles,
The sarcasm,
Is that really me?
Who am I?
I walk past a mirror
I stop and look,
To see a new person
I didn't know last year.
Why do we change?
Are we always in some phase?
I study my face.
I never thought
I would become this girl.
We simply cannot
Just stop from becoming older
And blossoming
Into a new being.
Yet feel so young.
I want to hold on.
My memories keep me sane,
From the madness of myself.
Always changing.
Always growing.
Gaining new opinions.
I think of me.
Then I think of what you see.
And my mind goes blank.
You might be questioning too,
what i think of you.
Do you know yourself?
Does anyone their full self?
What you will  be like
One,
Five,
Ten,
Twenty years from now?
The answer is no.
But one thing i do know,
We are all good at heart.
But we change,
We adapt to the circumstances
That we are either
blessed into,
Or cursed into.
Its all a big gamble on who we are.
Who we become.
What we like
Or dislike.
I look at the girl once more.
I study her intensly.
That image now burned
Into my mind,
Into my heart.
I leave the mirror
And walk on my path.
Knowing that I will never see
That exact same girl
Ever again.
But i will always remember.
So please don't forget
The person you are
Or that little girl
You saw in the mirror.
Because she may be disapointed,
To see who she now is now.

How could I be so stupid?
How could I be so blind?
To think we'd be together,
And I'd get to call you mine.
But the words she has shared with me,
Shock me more than they should.
They reveal your hidden truth.
That could keep me away for good.
But that's great!
That's where I want to be.
Moved on with my life.
Happy and free.
Free from the paranoia.
Free from all the pain.
Free from the heartache.
I'd soon begin to gain.

So now I've built this wall.
Between you and me.
Knowing I'm just another option,
That you don't really need.
Her powerful words surround me.
But your eyes see right through.
Wait, Are you really that way?
Could she be the only one who knew?
My head is spinning,
Between her thoughts and mine.
Okay, yeah she knows you well.
But did you change over time?

Your a very secretive person.
Which leaves my friend to guess.
About your true intentions.
And who you want to impress.
So she weaves an intricate web,
Of theories and impressions.
But just because you talked to her,
She guesses your confessions.
Confessions about love.
Confessions about her.
But the next day- it's another girl.
And tomorrow this will occur.

So should I make assumptions?
Is that fair at all?
I could be making a mistake,
With either me or you to fall?
But then again,
I feel like crap,
When I'm with you.
Its like a trap.
I want to assume,
I want a conclusion.
But your so **** complex,
Its like an illusion.

So right now I feel replaced.
And you didn't mean to do that.
But I'm not so sure anymore.
Because her words are tall and fat.
They hide my old perceptions.
It's like a slap in the face,
I see you from a different angle,
From a different time and place.

I think i need my own opinions,
Her's are far too deep.
So deep they don't make any sense.
And they could crumble at my feet.
But I don't judge until Iknow
The entire truth.
You are still a mystery.
And I am not a sleuth.

So I'll keep her words in the back of my mind,
And I'll keep you there as well.
Because if one thing's for sure,
Your too complex to tell.
So I'll keep smiling and laughing.
Straining to be myself.
And with the headache of you,
I hope to leave of the shelf.

I feel like I'm running in circles.
Never getting to my destination.
I pack my bags,
Pay for the ticket.
But end up at the same train station.

It's an ongoing battle.
That I see so many win.
So I gather my weapons,
Put on my armor.
But your end is where I begin.

I want to say it's easy.
But I don't know know that yet.
I try so very hard.
Just to start all over,
Well who woulden't be upset?

But I have to keep going.
I have to make it through.
So I'll keep running,
I'll keep fighting.
At least I'm trying, unlike you.

I hope you noticed.
I hope you saw me go.
I hoped you turned around,
To see my foot prints in the snow.

I hope you feel hurt.
I hope you care.
I hope you went to turn to me,
To see i was no longer there.

I hope I mean something.
I hope the something is good.
I hope im not annoying,
And I did what i should.

I hope you feel a loss.
I hope you feel blue.
I hope you feel cold,
With all your friends around you.

I hope you feel betrayed.
I hope you feel discusted.
I hope you feel dissapointed,
That our friendship is pretty rusted.

I hope you feel regret.
I hope you feel pain.
I hope you know whos fault it is,
And your the one you blame.

I hope you know I walked away.
I hope you missed my goodbye.
Oh how I hope so many things,
When I'm just about to cry.

Lets face it.
Shes better than me.

Shes cool and collected.
Im funny and quirky.

Shes elegant,
Graceful.

Im clumsy,
Very , very  clumsy.

Dark, smooth, silky hair
Frames her snow white face,
High cheekbones and all.

Golden ,Wild ringlet curls,
Fall where ever they please,
Around my pale, undefined face.

She was the new girl,
That I once was.

She writes beautiful music,
And her voice,
Clean as a whistle.

I barley write poems,
And my voice,
Comes from the bottom of my soul.

Shes just effortlessly thin,

While i struggle everyday,
With trying to look normal.


Wait.
Just wait.
Why am I comparing?
...
Oh yeah,

You.

Just thinking about you
And her.
Or even you,
And anybody
Makes me want to,
Crawl back,
Into my now broken shell.
And now you will see her,
In a different light.
And i am in the background,
With my eyelids pried open,
Being forced to watch.

Normally if fall into darkness,
You would grab my hand,
And pull me in the spotlight,
With you.
But what if your not there this time?
Questions like that,
Rip apart my mind.
I get to see,
Just how good of an actor,
you REALLY are.

A girl passes me,
Written on her heart,
Is your name .
Another girl then passes me,
It reads the same.
This happens several times.
Then,
My head freezes over.
And my mind blanks out.
Leaving only one thought.
"Am I a fool?"
Do you want to
"play" with my emotions?
Do you want to
Act to see if you can get the lead?
Do you want to
See how many hearts you can win?
Is that what your doing?
Or are they pushing themselves
On you?
I never have,
I wouldn't know the experience.
Thats why i question you.
Your motives.

I felt maybe i was different.
You remember almost everything.,
I say.
You tell me everything.
You hang around ,
me.
So what does that mean?
Huh?
I dont want to assume the worst,
If you are pure of heart.
But my gut is telling me otherwise.
But as for that girl,
I will have to sit and wait,
Just like i have been doing.
Except this has a new deadline.
And will help with your story,
And especially my story.

Theres a lump in my throut,
I don't know what i feel,
Jealousy?
Defeat?
I just want you to be happy,
And i don't know who that is,
Yet.

I have to stop thinking.
I need to turn my brain off.
Im torturing myself
By thinking of the future.
Figuring out the maze,
Of you and me.
How to get to the finish line,
Together.

Im trying to prepare myself,
For hearing the words,
"We used to talk"
If they mention my name.
Instead of,
A smirk on your face,
And a little laugh,
"Yeah, shes amazing."

So im trying,
I really am,
To block out the future.
Its was working a week ago,
Because your presence
Was the only distaction i needed.
But now i am left with myself.
With my thoughts.
With images of you
With memories of us.
With high hopes for the future.
That flicker through my head,
Almost constantly.
But now they are fading.
I dont know wheather its a
Good thing?
Bad thing?
Because sooner or later
I will be confronted with one choice.
I will reach a dead end.
I could fly.
Or I could fall.
There is no middle,
Sadly.
Believe me its not what i want.
But all my odds are pointing
To a deep black abyss.
So,
Eventually,
I will have to force you out of my head.
Somehow.

I dont know if you can tell,
But i am a fighter.
This is why i am in such a panic.
"There has to be a way around this."
My subconscious really needs
to shut up.

Part of me.
wants to keep my two fists up.
And part of me.
Wants to enjoy the time we have.
It is very hard,
But i guess,
i need to let fate
Write the rest of my story.
Even though i keep trying and trying
To skip ahead,
And See what happenes next.
The pages are blank,
And my thoughts
write in alternate endings.

So,
Lets breathe in,
And out.
And hope for the best.
It will work out.
It will work out.
If for the worst-
I can just say,
He wasnt the one.
And FINALLY have closure.
But a my heart will be shattered,
And my life will turn grey
For a while.
With heavy drops of water,
Splattered all around me.

But
If for the best-
I would beat all odds,
Im sorry,
I need to give myself more credit,
I have a chance.
I fit in somewhere on the scale
- I would beat all odds
Of other minds work.
And could finally show them,
That i could be loved.
But thats just a bonus.
No one out there,
Is like you.
No one.
Thats why everyone wants
You.
But i know there more to you than that.

This is why we need to talk,
This is why i need him.
I want him to think of me,
Half as much,
As i think of him.

Just half.
I dont ask for much.
I have been patient.

So now you see my struggle.
Now you feel too
the pebble in my shoe.
I still have two weeks with him,
And one more to think.
But when the beginning
Of the four week loss.
I hope i stay strong.
I hope he dosent change.
I hope we wouldn't of changed.
But now.
He hasnt,
We havent.
I need to enjoy the sunlight on my face.
I need to make the most of it.
There is something there.
But if there is no love for me,
In his heart,
I hope it comes to a complete stop.
I hope my eyes can open,
And my heart released,
Because right now,,
And theres a tear in my eye.
That i so greatly hold back.
Because there might be another,
Or another,
That he wants
From a long time ago.
And she will have
the one thing
That we dont have.
History.

But i can't dwell on this.
Its unfair to everyone.
So like I've been trying to say
About three dozen times,
In about three dozen different ways....

Enjoy the good while it lasts.
And save your good memories,
And smiles,
For a day you might need it.

When I was little,
I was given two gifts.
The gift of beauty,
The gift of love,
They were placed upon my soul.
  
Sometimes they would seem small,
Or in some cases,
just the opposite.
But knowing i would always have them,
It was okay.


Then,
Years later,
I felt an aching pain,
Something was missing.
The love i felt turned rotten.
I had to start over.
The love I was bestowed,
Wasn't enough,
Anymore.
I needed to find a new love.
So i waited,
I watched.
I observed the happy,
And the hearbroken.
I tried.
I really did.
I looked and looked.
Searched.
Was fooled and tricked,
And very confused.
But i was wise beyond my years.
I knew that this waiting was a sign,
A sign of good to come.

Then,
After so many tears,
After so much abuse,
From the shadows,
There he was.

The match I've been searching for

We talked.
Shared our lives.
I figured out where my other half was,
How he came to be.
I began to give him my heart.
The old love that I had.
I placed in his hands.
He didnt notice,
but i did.
I didnt care if i never gained anything.
Just being in the presence,
Of this magnificent creature,
Was enough for me.

I wasnt guaranteed love back,
But  i could tell he was different.
He had the same life,
The same experiences.
Where has he been all this time?

I began to grow attatched,
Feel comfortable,
I felt my soul growing on his.
As long as i was with him,
Or even thought of him,
I had all the love in the world.
The thought of loosing him,
Chilled my bones.
Almost all my love,
Was in with him.
The love didn't matter,
Only he did.

But one night,
The little love I had,
Was entirely ripped out of my soul.
By none other than,
him.

I was blindsided,
I had always been careful,
Why did i trust him.
He the began to drain the little love I had,
Straight from my soul.
But that wasnt enough.

You see,
Before me,
There was another.
She was my opposite.
A different beauty.
She possesed different eyes,
Different skin,
A different soul.
He was drawn to that soul,
But could not have it,
Until he gained the gift of love.
My gift.

Beauty was rare,
And it was extreamly rare to posesses the feeling,
Of that precious gift.
He couldent leave me with that pleasure,
So he ripped the love,
He ripped the beauty,
Right out of me,
And gave it to her.

What kills me even more,
My soul he still has,
A piece of my heart forever.

I am left shattered on the floor,
With no one to peice me back together.
And hes starting a new beginning.
My new beginning.

And hes fine,
Hes smiling with her.
And I'm here writing.
Trying to search for an answer.
Trying to make peace.
Becacuse this was the one story,
I havent learned from yet.
the story of,
him.

I just got the biggest slap in the face,
From the one I value most.

I was flying freely,
But my wings just got clipped,
And i hit the pavement hard.

When i thought of us,
I imagined a long journey ahead.
But that hope crumbled,
Like the road infront of my feet.

My delusional love

Your love

That i thought i had


.....

Is dead.

Far, far behind.
I can barley see you.
I pick up the pace,
But the others are too.
Its still early in the race,
I know i can make my way
So i plan ahead,
I pray i make it there someday.
Time goes by.
You are clear to me.
Im coming in closer.
Others can clearly see.

Now i'm an inch away,
My heart beats fast.
I come in next to you.
I just need to relax.
I can't relax.
Im so close to winning.
I can see the finish line
Cameras flash as im grinning.

I turn around,
To look for you.
I push by people,
"I NEED to get through! "
And then i see you,
farther behind.
Running with a girl.
Who hasn't yet crossed the line.
  
I have one the race,
I get the prize,
But it doesn't  mean anything,
Without you by my side.
I've grown too attached,
To your loving eyes
Your smiling face,
I just want to cry.

Maybe if i failed,
And stuck with you,
I would of won big,
Knowing were both number 92.
But i gave it my all,
Ran stright ahead.
But i never expected,
This alternate end.

I am no champion.
I am no winner.
I feel bad your pride.
I feel like a sinner.

Theres another race tomorrow,
But you cannot attend.
You need to be a winner,
And i need my friend.

I wanna drop my victory.
But my love is a secret.
People will assume why I quit,
So i cant express it.

Then again- i know you.
We have bonded for some time.
I know you'd want the best for me.
So i cant leave this behind.

I will do this for you.
I will do this for us.
I dont wanna compete.
But i know i must.

So goodbye for now.
It might work out fine.
Maybe I can look foward to you,
Behind the finish line.

Glimmers of hope,
You give me a lot.
And whenever i see you,
My forehead gets hot.
I get weak in the knees.
I could just die.
But then we get to talking,
And I get lost in your eyes.
A forbidden feeling
I indulge in too much.
A flickering light,
Thats hot to the touch.
On again
Off again,
Those relationships stink.
But ours is quite different
Well what do you think?
Thats the thing.
We can never talk about this.
For our relationship,
Dosent exist....
Yet.
Remember that word,
It means I still have a chance.
And that needs to be heard.
Now my head is a mess.
But you won't know.
Your lounging in the warmth,
And I'm shivvering in the snow.
I want a conclusion,
Is it a happy ending?
So do you like me or not?
Can we quit the pretending?
But i can't ask you this.
Ive said this before.
Im going on and on,
Im becoming a bore.
But theres so many questions,
As i lie in my bed,
"Did i say the right thing?
What goes in your head?
What goes in your head?
What goes in your head..."

Now you all know,
What goes on in MY head,
Now i can sleep,
Knowing this has been said.
Goodnight.

That one second
turns to a minute,  
And a minute,
to an hour.
The hour to a day,
A week
A month
A year.
All my time goes to a hopeless cause.
But spring could turn to summer
in three months.
Now I have to wait.
...
I cant take it!
I close my eyes.
Your face melts my brain.
I can't breathe.
Im sick with the thought of you.
So many outcomes
To the next chapter of you and me.
This could end me,
It could begin us.
The unknowing hand of time,
Will write the rest of the story.
So I'll keep dreaming.
And when the glorious day comes,
I hope i get to hold your hand.

I don't understand.
Am I the only one?
Who doesn't agree with society
When the day is done.
Bulging hip bones are key,
With gaps in our thighs.
But have you ever thought,
Society lies?

"Happiness can't exist,
With out a man by your side.
And you can't get a man,
Unless you put down those fries.
But have a good time,
Go smoke and drink.
Have you tried this drug?
It's better than you think.
And don't get a job,
Or save all your money.
Just meet the right guy,
And there you go honey!
But he wants a certain girl,
Flawless and stunning.
So go buy this makeup,
And your in the running.
By the second date.
Open your heart.
And open your legs,
Your relationship will start.
He'll always love you,
And he says it all the time,
Luckiest girl in the world,
With a hot guy by her side.
All muscle and gorgeous,
It's just perfect,
No fights, just love,
This was totally worth it."

Really?
You you really want that?
Hate to break it to you,
But that's total crap.
Reality isn't this life,
It's fantasy if that.
Society is a demon,
That tells you your fat.
It's a size you can't fit.
It's a race you can't win.
It's a pathway death,
From girls dying to be thin.
No one can fit the standards,
That's how money is made.
Society feeds on that,
And innocent people that paid.
Guys and girls.
Of every age,
Feel the affects,
Of society's rage.
And yes I said guys.
They too feel the hate.
If they don't have the look,
Girls don't wanna date.
"Too fat, too thin,
Where's the 6-pack?
Yeah nice personality,
But who wants that?"
I want that.
Yeah I said it.
That's real love,
And that's where I'm headed.
I want a long life,
I look a head,
And yes I want to enjoy it,
Before I lie dead.
Your journey is not over
When your thirty or forty
You might have kids to raise,
You have to get up in the morning.
You get to grow old,
With a husband you love.
The one you married,
For the brains up above.
Not for the looks,
Because time fades it.
But for the personality.
That's what is truly infinite.
He should love the same way.
No pressure, no harm.
And if he ever does,
It should sound an alarm.
Because your better than that.
And don't compare.
I know its hard.
So be prepared.

I'm  here to warn you,
Of the road your traveling.
You will hit a dead end,
And life will leave you straggling.
Change your ways now,
Open your eyes,
To the truth of life,
Society lies.