I want to stop
I swear i will
I’ll put down the fork and spoon and I will be still

Leave me alone
Let me heal
But every time you try, you see, it’s not just food I steal

I steal happiness and memories and sleep
I steal all the smiles full of teeth and money you cant keep
Because we spent it all on hospital trips wondering why I cant eat

And they’ll give me medicine
And then the cycle will begin again

——-

When I was 16 I finally was fit
I could run and jump and sing until I made myself sick
It’s fine during the daytime when you see me standing tall
But at night i’d crumple and i’s fall
You don’t know what I hid inside my walls

Because I hid happineiss and memories and sleep
I hid  all the smiles full of teeth and money we couldent keep
Because we spent it all on hospital trips
Wondering why I can’t eat

And they’d give me medicine
And the cycle would begin again

————-

Now im almost 22 and I’ve destroyed my home
Muscles turn limp and my heart is stone cold
I only feel happiness with a mouth full of food

I know this cant be the life I choose
And i bit off more than I can chew
Maybe my lifes better without you

Because you aren’t happiness and memories and sleep
You aren’t smiles full of teeth but you gave me money that I still need
Because you aren’t perfect so why should I be

And i’ll take my medicine
But I won’t come home again
Because home isn’t giving in

And I’m so much more then when i eat

I got a twitch in my nose
Just can keep still
Because you'll never know
That I love you for real

It's cute when we say it
But it's more than that
It's the feeling of taking a leap
Knowing it might be a step back

Don't know how you'll react...

But I love you
The whole you
The person in and out
Who's crooked smile
is the only thing I think about

And even when your mouth
droops down into a frown
I want to be the one to help you through
Whatever it is you need to do
to make you smile again
But will "more than a friend"
make you frown?

Deep dive
No jump is ever too high
Don’t really care if I die
Can’t be worse than all my insides

Jumping
Up and down on my Boxspring
Hit the ceiling now I’m flailing
On the floor my blood is spilling

Deep breath
Get your cell and call an ambulance
Better yet hit up my therapist
Whosever willing to take care of this

Want to invest my time
But it seems like a waste
People melt like cough drops
Gone, but I still got the taste

One foot
Two foot
One foot back

Walking down the isle for the wrong occasion
Take my place in line in the precession

Until now you were holding it together
I'm next in line-- eyes lock on eachother
Face to face and I can mutter
is "I'm sorry about your father".

Break down in front of the alter
Time is still as we cling to one another
The same church we grew up in together
Familiar yet strange to remember




When the world's to big for you
split it down the middle
We can bear this load
Together we'll see it through

A rose is sweet
But Rosé is sweeter
Got me a bottle
When the world's a little bitter

Pour me a glass
or 2
or 3
I got nobody,
No place I gotta be

It goes
down
down
down
into the pit

I dig
down
down
down
until I'm buried underneath all my ****

...

This
sweet
sweet
sweet
Oblivion

I'm a
sweet
sweet
sweet
sweet
Contradiction

...

Hey Mr. Sun, how are you
Haven't seen you in a month or 2
or 3
or 4
I'm fine, give me more
One bottles' just a bottle until I hit the floor

Do you ever want to down?
Like, just ******* drown.
Maybe someone could hold me down
It feels good to drown

I am forced to make the bad decisions
like there was no option for good
I know it's self sabatoge
But man it feels good

You see,
The effort is the stressor

So hold me down
Please hold me down
I don't want to think right now

Because if you don't hold me down



I'll swim  



For how long?

-don't know.

Where?

-don't know.

Will I make it?

Will anyone care?


If I try to swim and don't make it, will anyone care?

Or

--wait---

I mean ridicule.
Will they ridicule me?

See,
That's why I need you.

Because it's all on you.
It's not my fault if I drown
If your hand pushes me down

I'll think about the stars I'll never see
I wouldn't see them regaurdless

Blacked out reality is quite easy
Swishing dreams in my mouth is easy


...


But if your arm gets tired
And I'm too hard to sink
Maybe we could swim together?