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A Sep 6
Do you ever want to down?
Like, just ******* drown.
Maybe someone could hold me down
It feels good to drown

I am forced to make the bad decisions
like there was no option for good
I know it's self sabatoge
But man it feels good

You see,
The effort is the stressor

So hold me down
Please hold me down
I don't want to think right now

Because if you don't hold me down



I'll swim  



For how long?

-don't know.

Where?

-don't know.

Will I make it?

Will anyone care?


If I try to swim and don't make it, will anyone care?

Or

--wait---

I mean ridicule.
Will they ridicule me?

See,
That's why I need you.

Because it's all on you.
It's not my fault if I drown
If your hand pushes me down

I'll think about the stars I'll never see
I wouldn't see them regaurdless

Blacked out reality is quite easy
Swishing dreams in my mouth is easy


...


But if your arm gets tired
And I'm too hard to sink
Maybe we could swim together?
A Sep 6
Dear Room,

You have been pink
You have been blue
And yellow, then pink again
I even drew Whinnie the poo

And now you're white
With one wall blue
And I have loved 15 years with you

Soon another little girl may burst in
With different color to choose
But I will always remember
That you were me, and I was you
A Jul 18
I was dead
Every kiss, from the beginning: empty
Nothingness
It was easy to feel nothing
Nothing was nothing

or maybe it was him...
Dead
The lies were rotting his insides
Plastic encasing his face

Or maybe it was me...
Pushing and pulling my weights on my ankles
They were toys, not chains.
And he didn't like that.

...

Maybe it was us...
Maybe we killed each other
Grinding each other into dust
Into nothingness

I wished I pulled away
but I so badly wanted to feel
So I kept forcing the gears to grind
I wanted to feel what my thoughts were screaming
"This boy is a God-send!"

Maybe that's why I buried my bible...

My spirits were slashed
I had rather we decay together
Than to loose faith in feeling

But faith isn't fact
because on paper we were vile
We needed to burn our book


...so I did


My insides caught flame
but I remember is the glow of the embers
The story distorts as new anecdotes are cached
All that pain for more numb nothingness.

My faith was placed wrong pile
I relished in the the absence
but the body that desperately wanted to feel
Was telling me from the start...

No flame
No spark
No love
Just blind faith
in numb nothingness.
A Feb 13
Sometimes it hard to see
Though the foggy land we walk
Sometimes its hard to know
There's support among the talk
Chatter blurs my head with things unsaid
Should I have even tried at all?
There's only one way to know
I guess I need to fall

When it gets dark, it gets easier
Not knowing who's around
Their candle light burns in my eyes
No peace of mind as I hit the ground
I know they've tried
And opened up their eyes
But mine don't seem to work
I just want to try to get there
Without getting hurt.

Todays the day, is always the day
But somehow it's still tomorrow
"One foot in front of the other"
Is just talk among my sorrow
No one can do it for me
I'm lost and scared and cold and lonely
But the worst sound of all is my own voice
Making promises continuously
A Mar 2016
I  am facing yet another war, and I know you are too.
So please know,
This battle is worth fighting for you.
I rather be loved by the outcasted,
Then to be hated by the royalty.
But I will always be a princess suited in metal armor.

I promise to hold your hand and clense you of your wounds,
I promise to always listen,  validate, and accept you no matter what weight, age, color, size, sexuality or diagnosis.
I promise to always fight for your safe haven to become the world you live in.

Even if you do not think you are worth it,

I always will.


Equality for all,
Or equality for none.
III
A Mar 2016
If i kept quiet,
If i let the comment slide,
If i tried to please the people i lost,
I would be considered pretty,
I would be liked by my boyfriends parents and family,
I would be a leader in a religious community,
And i would have gone with my boyfriend to get his tattoo today and would now be getting home from a nice birthday dinner with his family instead of fighting back tears, violently rummaging through my brain, looking for the filing cabinet labeled "flaws".
I couldn't help asking myself "what is wrong with me? What did i do wrong?"

Nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. Something is wrong with you. Something is wrong with you.
You do not like me because i am not just not a pretty face with a silent smile they thought i was upon first glance. I am not always girl with her hands folded in prayer and her legs crossed. I am more then that. I have always been more then that.
You are scared,
Disgusted,
And angry.  
All because i speak up,
All because i question the unquestionable,
All because im different.
I do not just socialize with the outcasted, I hold hands with your sinners and call them "friends", and mean it when i say it.
You can follow your bible so far.  
You can not fake actions and feelings just because that book told you to.
You can not say something and mean another.
Your skin is not enough opaque,
I can see that your heart is transparent.

I am not sorry and will never be sorry that dizzied your mind.
Im am not sorry that i pulled away the fog that you have always ben accustomed to.

And now your scared.
Scared that you are not "number 1"
Scared that i will take away your son,
Scared that I will change him,
And scared to admit that it is all happening right in front of you,
But you choose to close your eyes.
And if you open them,
Even just for a peek,
You pout,
You stomp your massive feet,
and you inflict the one thing that i will never purposefully inflict on your son,
Pain.
Congratulations.

I may not ooze adoration, but i my actions can speak "love"  to a stranger louder then your carefully chosen descriptive, cryptic lingo ever could.

Your love holds no weight.

And now I feel a sadness that clings to my back and climbs through my heart.
I am the outcast because of you again.
I think he's in control,
But i forget he's still your puppet.
But he's nibbling at the strings.

I missed out today-
But you will miss out for a lifetime is you keep this up.
So listen.
He loves me.
He loves you too.
I know you don't believe in evolution,
But you can not stop him from evolving.
I didn't do anything to him.
If he didn't hear some words of wisdom from me,
He would eventually hear all of them from someone else.
So stop punishing me because you are ignorant.
Because you are ultimately punishing him when you punish me.
II
A Mar 2016
I am your friend...
I am the underdog/
I am the rebel/
I am the forgotten/
I am the mocked/
I stand up for the persecuted,
weak,
discriminated,

Even though am not the one who fell asleep upon a tear soaked pillow tonight,
Even though I am not the one discriminated against for something i can not change,
Even though I am not the one outcasted only to be surrounded by laughter and wallow in my self pity,
I will be that one,
Holding your hand,
Making you laugh,
Fighting for you,
And you are worth it.

You may not know,
But because of you i have lost many experiences and people.
Best Friends,
Birthday dinners,
My Thursday nights,
The religion i have been baptized into.
And still i say, you were worth it.
I
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