The sky was clear that day
But I felt it anyway
The sun was shining
Ever bright
But still I knew
Something wasn't right

I couldn't stop
I couldn't hit the breaks
Blew past every sign
Down memory lane

All the places
All the streets
All the paths
I look for scraps
I try to find
Traces of you
Left behind
All the flowers bloomed in May
All have died and withered away

I fell in love with subtle things
And it's all those little things
That I can't live without
But now I'm trying to learn how
And when I hear your name
I try so hard to refrain
From going back down memory lane

I've been changing a lot these days. It feels like up until this point I was just a caterpillar, growing and eating. Absorbing information and understanding. But now I'm ready for the change. Ready to use all that I've learned and absorbed. I've weaved my cocoon and now I am ready to emerge from it's safety and isolation.

Today I leave behind my chrysalis and embrace my life as a butterfly.

Don't fall in love with an actor
All they want to do is play the leading role in your heartbreak
They are just rehearsing for someone else while they fake their way in and out of your life
They steal the spotlight in your eyes and take all the credit they can carry
They treat love like an audition
Then they run away like you're Macbeth and let their ego swallow you whole

I'm tired of walking these parallel lines with you
Wondering if they'll ever cross again
I'm tired of moving on
Just to be drawn right back in
How is it fair
That I am doomed to fall for you
In a perpetual loop
A cycle that never ends
Why are you some labyrinth I can't escape?
I'm tired of loving you and losing you
But never really having you to begin

But gods, it really is just your voice
One phone call and the cycle starts again

Everytime I try to find myself
I get lost inside of you
I've become a needle in a haystack
Except I'm the only one who knows I'm missing

we could have been beautiful
like a sunrise shining
in the dew of a
morning flower in bloom
but something inside of me
was withered and ungrowing
sunflowers are said to bloom
and move towards sunlight
but I think I must be
something more macabre
i'm the tears on a
mourning rose on a coffin
after all, flowers don't grow
once they've been severed

and you deserve sunflowers

She's shattered into a million fractal pieces
This woman made into a mosaic
This goddess, this queen
The one with the golden heart that turns others green

It breaks me too when I find
That I can't replace all the missing pieces
And put this ethereal beauty back together
Not back to the state she was before she was fractured

The sun, the moon
The stars, the sky
The dusk, the dawn

She is everything in life that is right
A beauty gift wrapped in insecutity
How many different ways can you tell her she's perfect,
Before she finally looks in the mirror and believes it?

She believes that life is only work, anger, and hatred
She believes a man can only lie, harm, and detonate
She doesn't see life for the spectrum it is
Full of a million gradients coveting all the glory

Some days she believes it
She tells herself and everyone around her
She is confident and beautiful, capable of love and happiness
Until the next day comes and once again she's in pieces

I'd like to see the day a smile is on her face
Not drawn or molded
Like magic it appears and never fades
The day the beautiful mosaic is once again

Complete

I don't have butterflies in my stomach
They are more like moths
Eating me alive from within

I kind of like the way they tickle

Don't confuse my kindness for forgiveness

I feel mute sometimes
I've gone days, even weeks without saying a word
It never used to bother me
Being left alone to observe others
But I'm tired of living as a spectator
It feels like I was casted as an extra for my own life
I know that it's not right
But what can I do
As I stand alone outside this snow globe world
I wish I could pick up a hammer
Shatter the barrier
But I know I could never do it

I'd feel pity for the broken glass

When I find you I hope you will be the one to balance my scales
You will lift this dark and overly clouded lens from my world
Unsheathing me to the beauty I've shut out from my hazy sight

You will be to me like the sun is to the earth
Like the moon is to the oceans
Like rain is to a flower

And I would move entire solar systems for you

You are my sanctuary
I find shelter in your words
I feel safe in your embrace

You are my circus
I find mischief in your eyes
I feel out of control in your presence

You are my palace
I find elegance to your stride
I feel blown back by every room

You are my jewel
I find myself jealous of your beauty
I feel you sparkle with life

You are my everything and more
I find more reasons to love you ignite
I feel them spark with everyday

My love fills the vacuum of space
It melts the ice caps in the north
Reaches to the center of the earth
Stretches from sea to sea
Yet my love still can’t seem
To find you

My love screams above the thunder
It sings softer than a lark
Turns lava into rock
Fills the stars with light
Yet my love still can’t seem
To reach you

My love grows roses in the sand
It turns shadows into sunlight
Makes salt taste like sugar
Takes strolls across the universe
Yet my love still can’t seem
To touch you

With every touch you turn more and more of me into treasured gold

She closes her eyes
As she closes her heart
To the possibility of love
She cowers

Every time she blinks
She tries to hide from the world of love
She lingers
With her eyelids closed

She fears that when they open
She will find someone worth staring
Little does she know that wont work
Her eyes aren’t meant to stay closed forever

I think I've finally realised why I don't feel right
I've spent so much time and energy worrying about everyone else
That I ignored the problems within myself

I have always had a solution for their troubles
But when it comes to what I need I never have an answer
I wish I could help myself like I help them

But my mind has become so paper thin
Rummaging around for a distraction again and again
I never have a moment to stop and save

myself from all these problems within
These days it seems the conflicts never end and never will
So long as I focus on them and forget

myself once again

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
One day I'll hold you and call you mine
You'll always be the hardest treasure I'll ever find
But one day you'll only be a whisper away
And you'll always know dear, how much I love you

If you could see him through my eyes
You'd think he's wonderful too
If you could feel through my heart
You'd fall for him just as deeply

But keep your narrow minds
Your selfish expectations
All your rotten, hollow words
Far away from him

Simply because you can't see his worth
Doesn't mean he isn't worthy

Moth or butterfly?
It isn't the caterpillar that decides

He used to feel like the embodiment
of all my past lives
and all the ones yet lived

Now he has become more
like a living ghost
one my magic
can't seem to touch

He feels more like a memory
than a person
just an echo
of the boy I loved

Carefully the needle penetrates into my skin
With every new puncture the thread follows along

In and out again and again
Till it reaches the end and finally
A harsh pull, a few tugs

Then the string is snipped free at last
Its been completely sewn shut

Only after you closed me up
Did you ask me how my day was
How I was feeling

But what could I say
With my mouth sewn shut?

This world is a sad and dangerous place
Everyone knows it, everyone feels it
The new year brings new disasters
2020 didn't even give us a minute
to catch our breaths

We have the possibility of facing
A new war with every passing minute
It seems a new shooting happens everyday
Australia is literally on fire
And what can we do?

We place our trust in our leaders
In our countries
To keep us safe
Placing blame on anyone but ourselves
Some pray for people to be good
Yet even churches are no longer safe
We hope for the world to cool and calm
But with everyday comes new calamity
And what can we do?

War is an idiots parade, and we don't have a say
We can't predict disaster
We can't predict who will lose their mind next
We aren't prophets
We don't know how to be safe anymore
Worst of all
We are too lazy and selfish to save our planet

We don't know what to do anymore
This world is falling apart
And what can we do?

I look at you and I know that nothing will ever happen
Yet my eyes still linger on you as you pass
They are still waiting for your eyes to answer
They search, they stay, they follow
Never getting their reply

Sometimes I remember that your heart does not beat for me
That I am not what makes your smile form
I'm not the one your eyes search for
And for just a moment it bothers me
I don't understand why I feel this jealousy

I've never known the way your arms feel wrapped around me
I've never known how your laugh feels when it's caused by me
And I've certainly never known the feeling of your lips on mine
Yet I find myself missing these things I've never known

I have a notepad where I quickly jot down ideas
Many are confusing prompts for a poem I didn't have time to write
However most are plans I have for the future
Specifically the future with someone I still have yet to meet

I write about the things I will say to them
What we will do and where we will go
I plan soft trips to Baskin Robins and little comic book shops
Vacations filled with theme parks, museums, and explorations

I write about the days we will stay inside
In our quiet little space we take up in the world
Rainy days where we stay in each other's arms reading a good book or watching classics and horror on the TV

Days where we will come home to each other humming a song or dancing about the room
How we will support each other through times of stress and confusion
How we will look at each other when we know our life's a mess
And how our love will get us through the calamity in between

I think about theses moments very often
I wonder if you are out there thinking about them too?

Someone once asked me why I like poetry so much
If its sometimes hard to understand
And its sometimes confusing to read

In return I asked them why they like to feel
If the feelings are sometimes hard to understand
And sometimes confusing to read

They cocked their to the side and asked what my words meant
They simply didn't understand
That the words from a poet are are tangled by the beat of their heart

Sometimes we can't help but to speak figuratively
Because we like to hide our thoughts and feelings in plain sight
Finding out what weight the words carry is half of the excitement

Just like wearing our feelings for our crush on our sleeve
Or ignoring someone when we're angry
You don't make it obvious, but you leave all the clues in the open
Because just like a poet, you want to be found

My passions are not yours
My dreams are not yours
I am not yours

I will love my passions
I will follow my dreams
I will be myself, you will have no say

So please stop tearing apart
Everything that is me
Simply because it is not you

Love is the crossroads of two garden paths
The thing about loving is that it is selfless
I will want to love you more and think of myself less
So I choose to walk your path and tend to your beautiful flora
While I forsake my own in your love and care
It is you and I who decide when we wilt and when we flourish

But will I let it wilt in the end?

You aren't trapped in darkness
You are simply hiding from the light
Taking a break from being seen

There is an uncomfortable stillness in my mind
When my eyes you bind
You've attached them to you
As if you tied a knot between us
I frantically try to unravel all the tangles
I get so mad when wherever I go there you are
When I turn a corner
When I enter a room
Anywhere my thoughts may bloom
You are always in the way

You prevent me from all the things I want to say
My limbs are numbed and I can't move
You are to blame for this humiliation
How dare you make me feel this way?
You no longer deserve this power over me
So I revoke your control and take back my will
Instead of removing myself by untangling the mess you've made
I'll snip the strings that trap me
Free at last from that fraying pain
I'll leave you to tangle up in those strings like chains of shame

I think I'm always stressed out
Because my mind is always a mess
I must have OCD for my thoughts
It makes me
u    
           n
c
     o   m
F    
        o
                      r
T           a
     b                l
              E
So I make lists of what must be done
What I want to do, what I'm going to do
And many more lists
To organize my thoughts, just a little bit

So many things remind me of you now. Pool tables have especially been reminiscent. I desperately long to be back in the moment when we were at Divine Lake walking through the woods. When we were sharing stories, laughing, bonding. That was when I should have fallen in love with you. Sitting by the edge of the water watching the sunset. That was when I should have kissed you. Would I waste these beautiful scenes with you now? Despite the stinging of the cuts on my ankles from the vines, that day will always be the sweetest. How you used to always wrap your arms around me and hug me, not wanting to let go. I understand it now. How warm and safe, the bitter bliss of immortal memories. There's this picture I have you at the Japanese Tea Garden that's my favorite. You're so beautiful and radiant in it. You make all the colors of the fauna more vibrant with that grin. All of those times you held your hand out for me to hold, I curse myself for refusing. For being too embarrassed to be so vulnerable. Now I don't even have the memory hold on to.

A siren call beckoned me
Through waves of endless murky blues
And over crashes of distant storms
Sweet and deadly like belladonna in ambrosia

Milk and honey dripped from her lips
As she cried out to me for a reply
Soft like silk carved into marble stone,
Strong like magic from the aisle of Aeaea

I was tempted, nearly ensnared
By that beauty somewhere near
If I followed that voice out to sea
I knew she would be the last thing I'd see

How could I do that to my Penelope?

So the siren sang her enrapturing tune
And I tied myself to the body of the mast
I would not be lured to my doom
Elysium will have to wait, I'm coming home

heart to mind
mind to pen
pen to paper
the steps I take
to put what's mine
where it will shine

but sometimes
heart has different plans
it skips those steps
and instead lands
into your ready hands

Ghosts like to come to me in dreams
When my great grandmother passed
She shared her memories; her youth
When my great aunt passed
She came to say goodbye; bid farewell
I'm afraid of dreaming now

I fear seeing you as a shade
When you have always
Been my light

I try to say
Walking a thousand painful steps forward
Is better than a stagnant suffering
But really what I'm saying is
If it will hurt anyway
It's best to forget yesterday
And hurry to tomorrow
Where someday will come
And a tomorrow will wipe away the sins
That yesterday left on your soul

Trust that we always tell and seek the truth
Despite the glint in our eyes
The biting of our lips
Trust that honesty comes first
Trust that fear will be overpowered by strength
Even if it seems that Light always carries
Shadow as if it’s chained to it’s ankle

Believe that a perpetual smile will perforate
All the lies,
All the fear,
And all the tenebrosity

That it will pull you out of your deepest sorrows
Despite all the betrayal and aspersion
We must remember that although
Every light is burdened with shadow,
Every shadow is burdened with light

When we were sixteen we made a promise
That when we turned twenty one
We would meet again
For a glass of orange juice
Because he doesn't drink
I never told him
That I'm allergic to citrus
But what is a drop of poison
In a chalice of love?

Last month he turned twenty one
And came close to breaking our promise
He sent me a letter
That nearly broke me
I couldn't read it
I dialed his number
And begged for an answer
Just like always, he did

But in those moments the world froze
The dial tone felt like a death knell
It was void, it was empty
As if it were already a world without him
As if it was a warning of what might be

And now I'm thirsty
So very thirsty
For that glass of orange juice

This isn't how I thought our story would end
I always thought you'd find your way back to me
Back to us,
Back to yourself again

But I suppose it was my mistake
I thought we we were written by poets
But we were written by the Brothers Grimm

We were never a love story, we were a tragedy

Why do we say "Penny for your thoughts"?
If thoughts were so cheap
I'd have bought them all by now

When plucking the petals from a flower
I don't ask if I am loved or not
I ask whether or not it is worth it
Even if the love goes nowhere
Even if it doesn't stretch
From where the sea begins
To where they sky ends
There is still the experience
There are still
Lessons to be learned
And if heartbreak is one of them
Then so be it

Pandora gave us many gifts
Disease, poverty, misery, sadness, death and all the evils of the world
All which gave humanity balance and morality
Without disease, poverty and death
We wouldn't know compassion, humility or cherishment
Without sadness and detestment
We wouldn't know happiness, excitement, longing or love
Without the evils in the world
We wouldn't know anything outside of ourselves
We would be selfish, lonely, sinful, greedy and gluttonous
Most important of Pandora's gifts, she gave us hope
Hope that touched the shadows of evil and healed the wounds of hate

The least you could have done was make me hate you
Give me a reason to curse at your name
A reason to get angry and say things i'll regret

You couldn't have left me with anger or resentment
No, what you did was worse than a thousand paper cuts
Worse than wearing wet socks after getting caught in the rain
And far worse than sticking a hand in an open flame

You left me with a heart full of love, desire and longing
You left me with all this wanting and wishing
With daydreams that can never and will never be
Like a diamond hanging on a rope right in front of me
On a cliff, just out of reach with a little note that says
'This is not for you, but nice attempt'

You walked away but you took nothing with you
You didn't take my feelings away
You left them with me and for that I wish I could hate you
Hate you for leaving me with this love I have no right to feel
Hate you for the golden outlines your footprints left behind
Hate you for the final farewell I didn't want to hear
But it's not your fault that I can't let go of these pieces of you

It's all because you were mine
You were my favorite gem
And our love was a blossoming garden

'Were' and 'Was'
Such ugly words

To love a flower is to love the cycle of death
For a seed will grow into a beautiful bud
That bud will bloom and flourish
Then wither and die
And isn’t it so cruel
The beauty is there for just a moment
And then it’s gone as if it never was

All the lovely fauna
The flowers that grow through concrete
Those dandelions you kick in fields
The trails of Sunflowers on roadsides
And pansies through your neighborhoods

Do you ever stop to wonder
If you ever see the same flower twice?
If the rose you stopped to smell
Is now an empty stem of thorns?

All that lives and dies looks the same
When looked at with a passing eye
When I catch your eye as just another passerby
I hope you think of forget-me-nots

Maybe then you'll keep me in your thoughts

I have messy handwriting, everyone says so
But I will still write you poetry despite the appearance
I will pass them to you at any chance I get
On index cards and sticky notes or even in a gum wrapper
In halls during the afternoon or parking lots at midnight
Anytime our paths may cross I will surely have one for you

Whether or not you can read them
Probably won't matter to you
Because I understand you know within every messy line
Are all the feelings I race out to deliver
All at once they mold together
But I hope it still makes you smile

Looking at those little awkward characters
I hope they remind you of me
The clumsy writing that looks like my stuttering self
As you are the one who makes me crumble into pixie dust
I become so sweet and childish when you so much as look at me
My dear muse, my writings wouldn't be the same without you

I've been wondering since the moment you left
What those feelings that I had meant
Did they have a name and was I to blame
Why I felt that way and how to make it go away

I know now that it was never my fault
You hold all the blame and I curse your very name
I feel betrayal pull itself through my being
As the word leaves my lips in a whisper

How could I ever love someone who mistook discomfort for fun?
How could I trust someone who's eyes wandered as they were with me?
How could I think he loved me when even after a year his closest friends did not know me?

It didn't register to me that I was angry or that I was sad
I thought we parted on mutual terms
But you weren't satisfied by my lack of suffering
So you came back to make it clear that no part of you is capable trusting

All you've ever told me
All the "I love you's"
All the "You're my world's"
Hidden inside every word
Was a lie

He fought for honor with Achilles
Two brothers in arms against the world of treachery and deceit
No one saw the tender gazes that the two shared in their last goodbye
A final brush of their hands as they shake with an uncertain future
Patroclus knew he would die
Dressed in his lovers armour
At the hands of his lovers enemy
And in his death he'd bare his heart with one final grand gesture
He'd gladly exchange his life
For his beloved Achilles

Writing has always been my favorite hobby
I feel so much more through ink and paper
Than I do in my skin and soul

For years and years
I have hated and loathed
The word perfect
It has been a disgusting burden
Full of lies
But when he says it
Its beautiful
Reborn
"In my eyes, you are perfect"
This time, I felt it
Perfect
A word full of butterflies instead of lies

Her eyes saw only eternal springs in every sight
Her heart knew only compassion and nurturing
She had so much left inside of her to give
She gave it all to the man who had nothing left in him
He was lonely, castaway, feared, despised and hated
But Persephone had patience
She had a heart larger than the Underworld
Deeper than the river of Styx
And brighter than Mount Olympus
Her love was quicksand
And it swallowed him whole
One smile at a time
A woman so kind
Taken from home
Taken from familiarity
From a life of flowers and sunlight
Condemned to afterlife with a beating heart
She saw beyond herself, beyond her own situation
She filled the Underworld with color and warmth
Just as she did with it's ruler, one smile at a time