Trying to survive this life through the struggles and the pain is like climbing a mountain during a rock slide. With darkness down below.
Dodging and ducking,  can't look up, and won't look down .
One wrong step will send you plunging straight back to the ground.
Exhaustion overcomes your body as you prepare  to quit.
Just about the time you start to let go of the side of that mountain a harsh sense of reality of what waits below hits,
If you give up now and fall to your death, the devil will have defeated you, it is then you  surrender  your soul.
The fall will be at the least of your worries it's what waits for you at the landing,  the devil with his arms wide open waiting for your defeat, standing amongst his evil beings in his kingdom of souls now forgotten, i have heard it called The devil's playground. Filled with evil engulfed in flames of fire, The choice is yours to surrender your soul to the devil or Reach out for  God,  as He will help you climb, Standing at the top of that mountain with his arms open wide. Your faith has brought you to a safe haven as there's nowhere else I would rather be than in the arms of God,  these struggles will soon be over my child, as tomorrow will be a new day, hold strong to your faith and just as I've promised you ,  this too shall pass.

You’ve denied my presence and thrown mex

Dc

Are you awake my love it's so hard for me to sleep.
I'm so tired yet my eyes do nothing but weep.
I don't feel you holding me or your warm breath on my skin.
I rolled over and reach for you as I felt a piercing coldness deep within.
Laying here beside you your presence  nowhere near.
I knew at that moment I was about to come face-to-face with My Own Worst Fear.
Please wake me from this nightmare it's not supposed to be this way
God put us back in each other's arms for us to stay.
My love for you hasn't nor will it ever die.
I would lay down my life for you and never even ask why.
I shouldn't feel alone as you're lying right next to me.
Please bring back that man that I fell in love with the way things need to be

©kimmied1105

Trying to catch every grain of sand as it sifts through your fingers and makes it's way to the ground, only to be walked upon and shoved out of sight, much like every dream I ever had.
Exceeding every option from A to Z, I've grown tired of this constant fight.
Why do I hurt so badly, my heart is so heavy, it's not like there isn't more sand I could pick up and try to keep closer to me preventing much spill , I just thought He was my soul mate sent straight from heaven , I guess I was wrong. I know we are over, it gets worse day by day, I hate the fact that I love him so much it's just best I walk away He won't stop treating me the way he does now, I want to be selfish and stay with him but my love is unconditional and he let me know he's been unhappy for years. I've got to walk away and hope he finds happiness. I have just got to walk away. Loving someone so much *****

I loved a poem I read today, the next one not so well, eyes stuck as I kept on reading for hours, one told of love, as the other about hate, another spoke of suicide the next their life was great.
Writing is so powerful, it speaks about our life. Be it good or bad or sad or happy, writing sets you free, freedom to express freedom to speak without being interrupted, freedom to be real or to pretend, writing is simply expressing yourself of how you are or long to be .
© kimmied 1105

What is this being standing before me in human form, spitting evil words and lashing insults like a leather strap crossing my back . Has it no heart or maybe one made of stone . Manipulating my inosance and tearing me down from the inside out. Has it no heart to bleed with regret or feel no remorse.
Why can't I turn and walk away, does my self rain of ignorance and stand with false hope. Believing that the words I love you and I'm sorry mean something more than the art of placing them together with no meaning at all . Do I escape from this torture or remain for more , when is enough going to be the destruction of my being when I've taken too much.
I stand and ponder to see The Distruction of Myself

©kimmied1105

Darkness of an unknown lonely entered me the night of their death. Angels of heaven flying over as they took their last breath.
My best friends young life had been taken away, my little girl lost her best friend as well on that same day..
A young beautiful mother, and her precious baby girl gained their angel wings together, my little girl bares witness as she wakes the next morning ready to play I woke just in time as she opened the door.  I walked to the porch to tell her the news as my heart left my chest as she stood there at the age of 2 waving and laughing up at the sky, I was trying to find a way to tell her our best friends didn't live across the street anymore.
It's as if my voice had left me as I heard my baby say,
Momma can we go get them out of the clouds so me and my Peking can play.
I pulled myself together as I knelt down in front of her I asked her softly to tell me what she could see, her laughter had left her as tears filled her innocent blue eyes,  mommy they went to play in the clouds and didn't take you and me.
I cried as I held my little girl as tight as I could , with the day after we layed them to rest, I chose not to take my daughter as any mother would.
On the way home from her grannies that day still looking in the sky for her best friend ,I heard her talking about how pretty Peking looked in her new dress and she wanted one too.
I had to pull the car over ,  and asked her what color was Peking new dress , she giggled and said, mommy you know she said you gave her my hair bow cause it was red and blue too.
From that day forward Peking often came down to play, as I watched my little ******* the swing set as I pushed her gently the swing beside her started to move , mommy Peking said will you please push her too.

If love and marriage were destined to exist with stipulations and self made complications, maybe  someone should have posted the rules. How is it you fall in love with someone knowing their ways but your comfort settles, now you want them to change. I have to wonder as this doesn't make sense, you were attracted to me because I wasn't fake, yet now you want me to transform into something and someone else? We use to have discussions about each other's opinions , now it's your way or no way, we can't agree to disagree because you have to be right , I told you when I met you I would rather use my energy in the bedroom with you than exert it on a useless fight .. Relationships should be one of the easier things in life . If you aim to please the one that you love and put  them first and your partner do the same in return, how could this go wrong? Stop spitting the vinum from your tongue contrary to what you believe , there will come a day when you find yourself having to swallow your own vinum and I can assure you it won't taste as good going down as it did when you were spitting it out.  Stop saying your childish words if you only knew how they made you look , "if I believe it to be true then it is" what does that even mean? A man with no conscience can't have a soul and with no soul , you can't love because love is a commitment based on loyalty and trust and without having a conscience there would be no consequences or feeling of remorse for your choices. Everyone deserves to be who they are and treated with respect. One more thing before my closing thought. Tell me why it is if your woman dresses up for you in a more revealing attire, you  criticise every little thing but yet we can be out in public and a woman walk by with the same attire and your eyes pop out of your head.

I sat today and took some time to read   Looking back through every note and poem I could find, finding myself in a turn of emotions running through my mind. For those of us that express  ourself  through  the flowing ink of our pens, our memories remain written so we can always see. As I read the words I left written a thought crossed my mind. You see I understand my sorrows and know about the things in my life, how they got there from hour to hour day to day but when I write I write of my feelings in every single way. However for someone that reads them without knowledge of where they came from, I can't even Imagine their thoughts of the life I live based on the words I say . What an interesting menu of choices they have to read. Choices based upon the emotions of one's life we never even meet yet by the words written from their pen the reader knows more about that person than if they were there best friend.
©kimmied1105

Life seems so short and time goes by fast;
  Thinking of memories, consumed by your past.
  The choices we made, the roads we travel down;
My if we had just one chance to stop and turn it all around.
  So any decisions we made, yet for the most part we're wrong;
  Yet my life still holds the question, as to where I belong.
  I know in my heart that God has his purpose for me;
   Maybe it is I'm looking for answers I feel that I cannot see.
  As I look back now I would be lying to say the choices that I made I don't regret,;
   However if I could change my choices how would I know that they were mistakes yet?
  Was I so often if given a chance, we would go back in time to make it all change;
  For all the wrongs would  be right, the bad into good, just too awake to a life so different and strange.
  As you read these words that I say;
  Continue to read before the next time you pray.
  There's always a beginning where something  ends;
  Such is true, that there must be an ending before another begins.
  Before I kneel to pray, I pray not to change but for forgiveness, for my bad choices per say;
  I praise my dear Lord for now I see, my past met my future, learning my mistakes taught me how to be the person that I am today.

What a wonderful feeling it would be just to wake up one day to peace and serenity.
When the burdens of stress overcome me I wish he would love me through it
It seems like the harder things get the worse he becomes.
I've never known the feeling of being someone's number one..
He claims he's my rock for me to lean on him , but how can he be my rock when he treats me this way. I just need an ear to listen sometimes or a hug assuring I'm ok,
How can someone that loves you and knows your struggles try to make things harder, I need to know if I should fall you will be there to catch me , if I break, I need you to know me better than I know myself, so when putting me back together you make me whole.

Can you tell when I'm happy or since when I'm sad;
  Does it matter that you've hurt me just because you're mad.
  Does it make you feel big to make me feel small?
  Are you not concerned that I'm building a wall?
  A wall to  protect me from feeling the pain;
  A wall that s
aves me from going insane.
  I don't want to lose you, I love you with all my heart;
  I can't imagine life without you, I would just fall apart.
  Must you walk in front of me and not by my side?
  Is the price of losing me worth all your pride.?
  Are you so consumed with your own hate and anger?
   That you treat the woman that you love worse than a stranger
  I do have feelings contrary to what you may believe;
  Are intentionally pushing the limits to see if I will leave?
   I'm tired of being taken for granted and stomped in the ground;
  You act like you saved me from some lost and found.
  You're pushing me away that Much is a fact.
   I won't take this forever, can you live with that?
  I'm not claiming to be perfect in any shape form or fashion;
  I'm not asking for much just for you to treat me with respect and love me with pure passion.
  If that's asking too much, then I must be on my way.
  Everyone deserves to be loved and respected, if you can't do this  there's nothing more to say.

He was everything I needed in life to complete me , He was the wind beneath my wings as I felt like he let me soar through the sky.
He never tried to stop me from being me, He accepted me for who I am. He believed in me and the person I am. I have never felt the need to lie to him because he accepted the truth for what it was.  He put me as high up on a pedestal as I could put him. The rareness of our love was pure Devine in every thinkable way. He made me feel beautiful even on my worst day. I don't know how to reach Him, something has taken Him away. For every definition I've described is just the opposite today. I would give anything to feel His touch the way it use to be or to look at his eyes and see the love he had for me . Maybe He will cone back to me soon All I can do is hope and Pray. I'll never surrender my search, not one day before the Good Lord calls me home to stay.
©kimmied1105

Darkened days have fallen like dead branches from a tree.
Have we no ambition to brighten our life in this cruel world in which we reside,, yet we absorb all the negative energy and expect it not to be. A world of anger, depression, replacing happiness and love , we are creating self made anxiety.
We are all created as equal so the story tells, is it by our own choices that made the tainted evils of  this world a way of life to live, we stand in the dark as we criticize one another when we need to criticize ourself, just as we live in the dark and consume our heart with anger and expect it to change by itself . The sadness in life is going to be just as the happy times will too. For where there is good there will be evil, the way we choose to live this life we are given is totally up to me and you. Let the sun fill your heart as you are Blessed beyond belief, though you will never see it standing in the dark watching the dead branches fall from the tree.

As these days pass a sense of overwhelming reality is beginning to set amongst ALL of Gods Children. The fearless are beginning to have fear, The rich are beginning to feel the poor, The poor are becoming more poverty stricken. Once Optimistic people are now experiencing pessimism, Our Health Care Workers are having to make a decision, one that is the hardest in their life, Only the warriors and loving and caring of those will choose life for all but have to sacrifice and pray that they save lives and aren’t putting their families they go home to in any danger to make them sick. As their immune systems are built too be strong with facing sick patients every day. Their families immune system however is not. The Leaders, and the bosses, that never realized the value of their underpaid employee  until they witness them on the front line standing at their cash register to keep their very own families able to continue to buy groceries as well as all of ours too. The owners of businesses have all taken steps back and watched as their life dream, to support their families  quickly turned into a broken dream as they couldn’t afford closing their doors for one day that alone an indefinite amount of time. Our children that were never taught to Pray or believe in God, they are teaching their parents the importance of their salvation today. The parent that had forgotten the role of parenting are being made to protect their children, but this pandemic is far different than protection from a robber or a car accident or a fight or any act of violence , for atleast with those types of protection we know where the attacker is or can get them to a hospital if they are injured but we are faced with the fact that we can’t protect them against something we don’t know is present, it can’t be seen, there is no warning, and when we realize it has attacked , it’s already to late , it has taken over. Keep your self and your children home if you can. Love today people , like there is no tomorrow   Pray for God to restore our Land and for this pandemic to stop.  Give thanks to the people that have become our heroes because they didn’t sign up for our military to fight wars but let me tell you this , those heroes are fighting on the front line and looking the possibility of death in the face every  shift they pull, those people may not carry weapons but bet this , they are fighting the biggest most important war this world is yet to see   Stay safe and God bless   Thank you to my daughter, , (RN) in an emergency department.  My step daughter, front desk receptionist at a Dr office. And other step daughter, Receptionist for an optometrist, all of which still maintain their position on front line daily I love each of you very much

It’s not always the things of this world that we may want that are the things we need.
Like the beautiful flowers we buy already in bloom when we could have witnessed the beauty of their growth by planting their seed.
Our eyes trick us into perfection of what we see
As our minds are trained to look at the here and now, not what it may some day be.  
We are human so we will make our share of mistakes and wrong choices along the way.
Admitting them is easier to know than it is to say.
Would our choices in this world be the same without eyes
We would then have to base our choice off of truth with no disguise.
The world would be a better place without seeing pretty my friend,
We would be forced to see more than face value and the beauty within.

Beware of the words spoken from his soft Whispering voice;
  Your heart is vulnerable as you're leaving it no choice.
  Spoken like they flow from the depths of his heart far within;
  His words melt your body, where your weakness shall begin.
  He knows he has you by the look on your face;
   Every word spoken every promise made held deep within your heart in it's own special place.
  He will come to you like a thief in the night;
  Consuming your thoughts and blurring your site.
  He will take your sanity as he steals your heart;
  Beware of this man's deception he will tear your world apart.

If I could have chosen anything I wanted to be, I wonder which of these I would choose to be me.
Would it be a bird  with wings of white to soar high over the oceans and the mountains, maybe a Lion so that I could roar like thunder and be a king over the jungle, or a great big grizzly bear to scare everyone I see, a fish with bright beautiful colors to swim freely through the sea, such a hard decision to make when it comes to what I would be, maybe another living thing not of animal or like me , maybe a perinial flower that blooms every year, or be planted like an oak tree to see how big I could be. Oh well all these things I thought I may like to be, all sounds glorious and adventurous but in the end I make the choice just to remain how God intended to be , I choose to just be me !
©kimmied1105

How does ones brain hold so many beings when it's capacity is made for one.  
The confusion must be exhausting or do you know each and every one?
Do they all have a name, are they connected to your heart?
I'm desperate to understand , for I know of at the very least 6, all with personality much different than your own.
Do they stay with you every day or sometimes go away,? Are they sleeping in your head or pounding in your brain.
This is far from an opinion developed in my mind, not only are they different in their presence but each ones appearance is defined. This is in your body and your head, can you ask them to leave or have you begged them to stay , I'm afraid if you don't rid yourself of these people in your head I'll be forced to go away.
Trying to make light of it I make a joke or two and tell you at least I'll never cheat on you, I never know who I'm waking up to, is it one of them or is it you. ?
There are several that are mean and evil, maybe one is caring but outweighed by the one that can't be older than 5 and one that may be 7. Can you ask them to vacate your body and find someone new before this complicated insanity comes further between me and you

Your tears of sadness and uncertainty pour like rain on my heart.
Wanting so much to mend what others have torn apart.
Keep your head up, love yourself and God above all.
For as long as I'm still breathing, rest assure I will be there to pick you up if you should fall.
This is your life to live so live it as you choose.
You will make mistakes along the waybut that doesn't mean you lose.
You will travel many roads some of them a dead end.
Dont give up turn around rid yourself of everything and everyone in your life that's pretend .
One day you will look back and remember all the roads you traveled, all the dead ends, all the times you turned around,
Don't be ashamed of your story , look in the mirror and be proud of that woman all those roads found.

I'm always here for you

Written by

Kim Essary

Reality is a battle from within, where your spiritual essence of your inner thoughts stand guard against the inner demons awaiting the attack , how unfortunate that your inner demons don't play well with others

Born pure and innocent into this world of sin and corruption, years of our life spent trying to discover the do's and Don'ts ,separating the good from the bad, and learning who we are and what we want to be,.
Growing up to be a product of our environment,
Remembering when every age above my own was so cool I couldn't wait to grow up. But if I could tell anyone anything and make them understand, I would tell them to STOP! Stop wishing you were older for any reason you have,. Your life will fly by in the blink  of an eye and before you know it you will be like me and asking yourself why. Why did I wish I would grow up so fast for being an adult carries so much stress you will look back on your life and it will all be a blur. Your memories will fade with each passing day. Please live your life slowly, don't wish it away.
©kimmied1105

To be alive, what it takes is a heart that beats, blood that flows through vanes, lungs to feed the oxygen to a body,  
To be alive, the eyes allow us to see, the ears to hear, the nose to smell, the mouth to taste and consume the food eaten and the water to drink, as it flows to the stomach and is excreted through the bottom side .
To be alive, for the most part, we as humans are born with all we need. This leads me to the moral of my words as you continue to read!
I have always had a softness for animals of all kinds. But I'm stuck in my mind where we as humans came to conclude that just because animals are deemed animals to our kind, how we came up with they are so different than me and you. Indeed they are in many different ways, the ways of there survival, their looks yes indeed, their lack of the ability not to speak but to speak like you and me. But you see we aren't of their exact kind no matter how many tests with inconclusive results we may administer we as humans can only assume that they are so different than us , I would tend to disagree because,
To be alive like you and me you must have all of the above , animals do, they have a heart that beats and lungs to breath, just like me and you, they have blood flowing through their vanes ,a mouth, eyes, nose, and ears, a stomach, and even a bottom to excrete. They cry when they get hurt which tells me they have emotions, some more than others but so do we. Yet most of us have no compassion for an animal and I would have to disagree because if it consists of the same things to stay alive it's not much different than you or me.
I understand that God put some animals on this land for us to eat, but I believe every animal has a purpose and are not intended for anyone to neglect or beat.

Alone in the darkness,  my body is so numb;
Sincerely clueless as to what I've become.
  My strength is fading  with each passing day;
   Lord I pray unto you please take this hurt away;
  For whatever I've done in my life that could have been so wrong;
  Lord I ask you to forgive me, I've been sad and too long;
  My heart beats with passion, still Longing For love;
   Dear Lord am I not worthy of this blessing from above?.

So it is said  that God gives His greatest battles to His strongest soldiers for He won’t put more on you than you can handle.
Have Faith in Him for when you reach the end of a road He will guide your path and when your life sees only dark He will shine on you the light of a candle
There are some that don’t believe in our Lord and savior only because He isn’t visible to see
So Am I  to believe the blind man whom has no sight Has nothing to believe in for there’s nothing that could be.
‘Tis Faith in which you feel and know that you believe
Without faith that God is real, everlasting life and forgiveness you will not receive
For when your loved one is sick and death is near
Is it not the Lord you Pray to in your time of despair.
In your time of tragedy and discernment you say His name
Yet forget to praise him and worship him just the same.
Our world has become just as our bibles does say.
This Gods Children is the time to find your faith and bow your heads to our Lord and savior and pray