you are my sunrise,
peaks of gold coloring those liquid eyes
  burning fire caressing my pale skin
   a symphony of sensations that tease and amaze
    stealing away into a numbness that opens its maw to yawn
     leaving me stranded, panting, and even more in love.

keep a light on in your heart,
i'll come find you and give you my hand.

to lead you out of the dark corridors
where the blank bulbs hang heavy,
swinging in tune with your broken heart strings.

past the pieces that roll around,
fragments of a lost childhood,
shards of contempt and regret.

to a place where there is warmth,
and solitude will not bury you under memories.

i bite down to taste blood,
ground myself in this plane of desolation,
  to feel anything other than numb.

i share in your suffering,
where you are lost and afraid,
  broken before you begin.

i put my hands out into the stillness,
but it is hard to reach you,
  in the dark alleys of your mind.

i close my eyes against the change,
selfish, scared, swallowing every regret,
  where it resonates in the notes and chords.

i would trade places with you,
if only i could see your light shine,
  beautiful smile and hazel eyes.

do you remember what it felt like to be in that dark place
as it suffocated, choked, fell like inky black tar,
we felt like we would never be able to surface.

do you remember what it felt like to hold hands for the first time
as you reached out into that endless space,
your hands so very rough against mine.

do you remember what it felt like to end up falling
as the gravity reversed around our hearts and the light exploded,
and i could finally drown in those warm brown eyes.

i loved you with all the butterflies that were inside
as they would sing your name and spin and spiral.

i loved you with every heartbeat that left me weak
when it would flutter and try to catch flight.

i loved you with every sundrop that fell between us
as we made love out by the tall grass that warm night.

i guess what i am trying to say is that good things
can come from broken hearts and when i forget
i can look into our stitched hearts
and remember that
i love you.

i try to bring myself peace
in the tall grass rippling like waves
a sea of greens, purples, and yellows
i dream that i am floating
running my hand along the bottom of the flat clouds
holding a ray of sunshine
like a warrior, conquering all the lands
until i've created a home among the wildflowers
somewhere for you and me to finally be
a slice of paradise in a very large world
where everything makes sense
and i don't feel quite so alone

one by one, two by two,
you pulled those creamy petals,
threw them into the wind and screamed.

this is what it feels like to be alive,
your hand in mine,
standing tall and wide over the edge of the world.

i was entranced, living in a dream,
where the dust settled and i could see,
your smile painted in hues upon my lips.

"don't you see, this is for you and me,"
every stupid thing leading to this,
an adventure for our hearts to be free.

you tore my soul wide open,
pale blue eyes held wide,
and you peered inside.

you were the catalyst to my downfall,
with everything laid bare.

when do we lose our imagination,
our curiosity and lust for life.

is it during the first heartbreak,
where our souls are left scattered in the remains of something beautifully haunting.

is it during the death of our loved ones,
holding hands, burning eyes, tight throats,
whispering our last hello and goodbye.

is it during the realization that our age comes finality,
generations before us falling to their knees,
back into the earth that bore our footsteps.

is it during the times that test our strength,
foreign words of sickness, a prognosis,
cancer burning in her chest, chased with poison to eradicate.

when do we lose everything,
our hearts built around familiarity, family,
the loving smiles and tears that brought us into this world.

i find it hard to sleep at night, as i toss and turn,
thoughts haunting the corridors of my mind -  
wondering where i lost my imagination,
my curiosity and lust for life.

peace twirls around my mind in ribbons,
    while your lips move silently by starlight.

how can i tell this foolish heart that you're gone,
    when you still sing sweetly to me in the dark,

i've lost myself in this deep velvet sea,
    where your memory is going to be the death of me.

it's one of those nights,
where the lights don't feel right,
and the darkness mocks me.

my heart beats in time,
with your fingers on my temples,
telling me it's all in my head.

your face is a pale stranger,
eyes a despondent wanderer,
two hardened brown orbs.

you tell me it will be okay,
that it has to be,
and i know that it is a lie.

because the glass fogs,
and here i am,
alone.

do you miss when we were young,
with stolen glances in the schoolyard.

before time intervened and we found ourselves
older, with stories to callous our hearts.

i remember your face and ocean eyes,
the flame that ignited when you smiled.

it's hard to believe the hours and miles
that have been kept between you and i.

but when you grabbed my hand that cloudy night,
i knew you would ruin me for life.

there's nothing better than the first time
we danced hand in hand.

breath caught in my throat
i guess it was the way you looked.

if they ask, you can tell them
i didn't stand a chance.

when my blood hummed through my veins
from simply standing near you, calling my name.

skeletons in my closet kept coming out
no matter how tight i had the door locked.

so it was a delicate sight,
when i saw yours dancing with mine.

perhaps we were meant to be,
or this illusion has a hold on me.

i've made a trip to my memories
and i'm floating in outer space

when the stars are clouded by your eyes
it's easy to find happiness and heartbreak

i try to do the best i can
but please bring me back down

because you're my adventure
of a lifetime

i'm throwing in my flower petals
wind will carry luck until you are found in my meadows

we will lay in the grass, staring at the stars,
****** so that time will slow and we've lost the bars

i want you to speak to me in melodies and rhythms
the words flowing from your lips a beautiful lyricism

i want to leave a flower on her grave
where the sun is drawn to, nourishing a life -
her beauty continuing on in a world that cannot stand another loss.

i want to sing her name into the wind
where it will whistle through the forest
and roll along the waves of the ocean -
her memory is no longer skin deep and she will become
... infinite.

clouds hovered in the distance,
and i'm tired of feeling.

i left you for the sunshine,
ignoring the rain pouring in anger.

the warmth wrapped around me,
and i'm finally free.

cicadas strum in a dream
as the rain falls peacefully
and i'm wrapped up in his sheets

so i only think about it at night
memories that sing beautifully
your words they come to me

i'm an open book with torn out pages,
misprints, flaws stained in ink,
looking for a patient editor.

but it's hard to hold you,
when the night is still young,
and i'm shaking, twisting, turning.

this heart of mine, forever inclined,
to find the one that sates this hunger,
the burning desire of wonder.

novel feelings of unending love,
lust that singes and burns the pages,
from lips, tongues, fingers, that sing a sweet praise.

yet all i find is one more tedious lie,
a heart half gone and yearning for another,
or simply a waste of time.

if only i could find you,
and take your hand,
surely our souls would bleed into the sand.

instead,
here i am,
waiting for rain.

it's taken me awhile,
but i'm coming around.
even though i'm your little bad habit,
you cannot break me.
clawing and digging up,
six feet isn't enough to keep me down.

so this is how it goes -
bring me up high,
and pull me down slow.

i'm only human -
take it easy on me,
this roller coaster makes me weak.

let's face the truth -
these nights are fluid,
our smiles glare from inside the picture frames.

don't be afraid of the future -
holding you close as i need to,
breaking apart is a need to.

and i'm here to tell you,
what it feels like to sever my soul,
and fill the holes with lyrics -
that melody -
that beat -
the shiver down my spine,
when those words are spit with such emotion,
or drawn out so sweetly like a dream -
it's like madness,
an addiction.

mesmerized, i watched as the clouds ate up the horizon,
droplets of broken sunshine clinging to my lashes.
the stillness bringing the scent of promise,
a sort of freshness as the sky wept.

if love is a drug, then i'm your ******.
tie me up tight, and intoxicate me with your wandering tongue.
leave me breathless with your lips, and then lean over here so that i can breathe you in, and hold you deep.
send shivers down my spine with your rough hands, leave me begging for more.
stay with me forever, because i am addicted to you.

i fell in love with the way you looked,
lying there naked in the pale light,
with the blanket tangled between your legs.
i wanted to trace the veins in your hips,
my lips kissing past the shadows,
breathing you in and exhaling love out.
i fell in love with the way you looked at me,
eyes half closed and dark with lust,
as i brought my hands down your chest.
i wanted to memorize the way you breathed my name,
slow and low - the way you moaned for me,
and how you shivered under my touch.

come to me -
like a sinner on your knees.
profess those unspoken words -
that taste of acrid regret.
breathe your love, lips sewn shut -
eyes closed against begrudged tears.
and tell me -
everything.

bathe with me in moonlight -
kiss the stars upon my skin.
let's follow the milky way -
and explore our galaxies.

is it possible to love in lyrics -
or lines hidden within books?
perhaps the way the rain falls -
glistening on a sunflower like fire.
is it possible to love in smell -
or the sweet bubbles after a steamy shower?
perhaps the way your bottom lip curls delicately -
like the curve of a sculpture.
is it possible to love in places -
or the adventures of a lifetime?
perhaps memories of your eyes -
your nose, your smile, when i call you mine.

the skeletons in my closet keep laughing at me.
their crooked mouths falling open, shaking gleefully.
gravity pressing down on me, pushing me further.
this collective emptiness taunts me evermore.
pen to paper, it's been quite a while, my dear.
these days known as in-between grow longer.
until all i can see are letters floating around me.
forming words and sentences i couldn't bring myself to say.
perhaps it's for the best, as i choke down regret.
and you dance into the sunlight of your life.

how could you -
dangle your toes over the edge
throw open your arms
close your eyes and taste the wind?
was it worth it -
to feel your hair in a hurricane
eyes wide and watering
a heart beating fast and close to the surface?
i wish i knew -
if you thought of the sunrise
a golden blanket on the horizon
my arms around you, lips upon your smile
if i could -
tell you that i need you
make love with you one last time
or even say goodbye.

"that really isn't the best idea."
"i know."
i picked up the pieces from the aftermath,
placed them in random order,
and watched my self destruction take hold.
after all this,
how could i possibly stand,
if it was all for nothing.

don't tell me that i'll be okay,
when my heart lies bleeding at your feet.
heartbreak isn't for the weak,
and darling how can i be strong without you?

i wish i could describe how i feel,
when i look into your eyes.
like falling, i lose my grip on reality,
when my tongue gets tied.
if i could give you the words,
a key to my heart, something to be heard.
forever pushes us together,
hand in hand, stronger than ever.

sitting blankly in this chair again,
feet planted firmly on this patterned carpet.
the air conditioner hums softly,
pulling me with the soft cushion of coldness.
exhaustion drags my eyes down,
away from the glaring lights of this screen.
voices droning on in the background,
smiles, handshakes, "how do you do?"'s.
the ringing phone sounds like one big sigh,
i suppose it's just another Monday.

i guess it's true that i've been broken.
the pieces of my heart roll around -
like marbles inside of a glass case.
all the super glue in the world would not be enough -
to heal these jagged edges that cut every time -
i'm shaken up.
but when you come around -
i feel your hand picking up the mess inside -
the mess that i've become.
and i can't help but love you for that -
as you accept me -
and all my pieces.

just lay back and i will trace
the constellations on your golden skin,
as you are made up of the stars

I begged you - please don't let me go.

My love lies elsewhere, you spoke.
Into the snowy night you drove.
So i sat, stripped down, barriers broken,
Saturated in sadness.

Yet here i am, stronger than before.
Our love a dying ember held closely to my heart.
Until one day i may see you again.

he watches me with those warm brown eyes, lust even with love.
each day i feel him deeper within my heart,
sweeping up the pieces to make me whole again.
anticipation fills my lungs as his fingers weave within my hair,
kissing a line of fire down my neck.
i question how it's possible to love with a broken heart,
  but here i am.
     falling again.

i drink down another night of loneliness,
spit up all my guilt and regrets.

the bed is cold beside me,
sheets stretched a little to far to the left, just the way she liked it.

sadness writhes inside me,
an entity all on its own.

if she's with him...
   where does that leave me...?

hold me close, hold me tighter, before this land we created falls apart.
i chased you to the mountaintops - where the Sun kisses the snow-covered peaks so delicately.
i chased you to the oceans - where the sand dances precariously with that frothy smile.
every single thing i do, i feel i have something to prove to you.
i gave you my hand - when you asked for a friend.
i gave you my soul - when you asked for a lover.

hold me close, hold me tighter, before these stitches break apart within my heart.
i chased you down the valley - where the rain water lies atop the lush green in a still pool.
i chased you far into the forests - where the trees reach their arms up to the sky, praising that blushing Sun.
every single thing i do, i'm able to because of you.
you gave me a light - when all i saw was darkness.
you gave me a purpose - when all i saw was defeat.

hold me close, hold me tighter, before i wake up.

there is a place i dream.
in a dream, indigo skies and blue butterflies.
the river runs red and the fish swim black.
trees turn yellow and change as i do.
in a dream, the world pumps to the beat of a guitar.
it sways ever so slowly to the green light of a new day.
there is a place i dream.
in a dream, i am finally at peace.

Instead of losing my mind, I opted to tear out pieces of my heart,
I placed each piece in separate jars and sealed them with my soul,
Illuminated in varying colors, they found a home amidst parts of my past and my future.
Over time, the jars slowly disappeared and I was left with nothing as the dirt buried my abandoned body,
For I knew I could never experience life and love it for what it was without giving my all.
So my dear, do not collect my jars.
Leave my heart amidst the cities with lights so bright, the oceans with the waves so pure, and the lovers with their arms held wide.
You will feel me everywhere.

I will rebalance these chemicals in my brain that tell me I need you – I want you – I love you.
Pulling this knife from my back, I will rise from the grave you’ve thrown our love into.
Sweating out your favorite song that has been going off in my head every night for eight weeks straight.
You have said what you want now, I’ve already come and gone.
Done with wasting time – I’m only wasting time.

I decided to place my heart on my sleeve, bare and bursting, waiting for the day you would open your sun-soaked whiskey eyes to it.
As time passed, I watched as it shriveled into a husk of a memory, barren and broken.
I used pieces of my soul to mend the jagged cracks you so unknowingly wrought.
But I was not complete.
Every time your lips would caress my name, I could feel the cracks gape open into a chasm that leaked, my soul slowly slipping away.
Sanity was no longer reachable for me, my mind broken under the weight of tacit love, and so pain turned to pleasure.
I would smile as I died daily, your name a sweet taste on my lips.

It’s me again, do you remember?
I keep coming around, searching in vain for you.
No longer can I see, as you’re long gone.
Safe to say I’m in a darker place than you.
I’m losing sleep, chasing those sheep over the hills.
Distraught, lost, what’s in your mind?
Because you’re on mine, always.
I know I’m lost to you, please don’t remind me again.
Masochistic, sadistic, pathetic.
I’m losing my mind, don’t you know, I love you to death.  
But I'm here, my dear, always right here.

The words hang on in the still air, crooked and clumsy.
Face down I trace patterns into the mattress.
Focus, breathing in, breathing out.
If I tried to move, I would break apart.
Liquid in these lungs spilling out of this open mouth.
Weighed down, sinking deeper and deeper.
These swirls and lines lifting, floating, whirling.
I hear nothing past the pulse pounding behind my ears.
Stronger, faster, it hums beneath this ivory skin.
Only if I could escape the hysterics that hide in my throat.
Bubble underneath the surface, threatening to convulse.
Quicker my breath comes, fighting past this ocean of uncertainty.
It stretches before me, I consider breaking the surface.
A clean cut on the smooth gray, deeper and deeper.
I take the plunge, and into this darkness I relax.
Comfortable, I stretch my legs, I pull these veins out by the roots.
Beating within my hand, I squeeze.
Familiarity overwhelms me, isn’t this what forever feels like?

If I let you in on a secret, I would understand if you could not keep it.
Yet I feel the need to spill these words from my open heart.
Like a toybox overflowing with torn teddy bears, their stitches ripped apart.
Clowns with jagged smiles, worn down wooden fingers.
As our song continues, crackles quietly through the speakers, like a river flows.
I wore a crown high atop my head, your sun illuminating each jewel.
My wooden pony I would ride, with you by my side, smiles reflecting in the mirror.
Adventures we would find, like a ring within a little black box, a promise to me.
As fools, we rushed in, overtaking the lands, a king and queen in dreams.
We conquered the seasons, until that quiet Fall broke my throne.
A thief in a mask you stood, planning my downfall, as I danced along.
For I couldn’t help falling in love with you, each and every day.
But I fell hard from that tower of fantasies, as your words pushed me over the edge.
Faster and faster, I continue my descent, a bit of madness here, suicidal thoughts there.
A sip from that tonic would end it all, a bite of that whiskey soaked poisoned apple.
If only you would take my hand, instead, you might just take my whole life.
Stealing into other hearts, I’m quite sure you wouldn’t even know I’m gone.
Perhaps one day, my love, even this husk will go missing.

Do you think I could lie forever in your arms, watching the autumn leaves fall lazily out of the sky, like the millions of wishes sent around the world?
Your arms, strong and protective, could keep me warm against the chill that sends whispers down my body, seeking to break my vulnerable mind.
Isn’t it funny how you’re unable to see how you break down my barriers?
How you have placed yourself so deeply inside my soul that your roots have become a part of who I am, who I’ve become, who I ultimately seek to be.
Forever and a day, a second too short, I wish to be yours, my love.
To wake in the cloudy morning light and feel your hand resting against my heart, beating an uneven rhythm only for you.
Fighting over sausage or bacon, peas or snaps, your laughter the soundtrack to my life, to my memories, fitting around me like a warm blanket.
Creating a life that will hold traces of eternity, a happiness that could only seem otherworldly, as it brings me up so very high.
And on that day when forever takes a break, I will seek that hand against mine, and those greens I will carry into the next world.

I threw my hands out the window, reaching for the things that would never be mine.
The kiss that you placed upon her cheek with quivering lips,
a flower that has begun to grow in beauty through death.
Spider web dreams that ensnare your mind to a slow motion play that never ends.
Waking up to shades of buttery yellow and hazy blues, searching hands and restless eyes.
I tried to grasp the feeling of love, the wordless clench in your chest that couldn’t hope to be explained.
The taste of forever that was both sweet and bitter but always left an endless flavor.
In the search of all things real, I discovered that I had lost myself to a dream.
Of soft lips and delicate roses, silky hands and beautiful eyes.
The dream where I could reach forever.

I tried to remember when I lost my mind.
But I cannot fathom a day without this empty static in my mind.
It pulsates in time with the beating of my heart.
I can hear the blood flowing in my veins, a constant hum that will run out in due time.
In due time.
The earth will break apart my body.
Flowers will burst through my rotting heart, will escape the prison of my ribs to reach the hazy sunlight.
The sunlight that will shine upon my bloated form.
The flowers will sway in the warm breeze, the air that will caress the worms in my skin.
I tried to remember when I found death terrifying.
But I cannot fathom this peace that radiates through me as I watch.
As I watch the earth reclaim me.

I can’t help but notice how you choke over the words,
While I hang the necklace around my throat to give you my very last breath.
Those unspoken words, hidden thoughts, corrupt meanings,
I saw the way you looked at her through the glassy binoculars, hazy with lust.
Lying next to you at night, please my dear, don’t fool yourself.
I can smell the roses and cream on your skin, alien to a weary traveler.
To dream of forever and taste the end, like salt and sulfur,
I pack my bags to climb the highest tower over the hill.
The hills shine with the morning dew,
Glistening like a thousand tears in the sun,
Warm and thick, spilling over the ground.
Here’s to one last night with you, my love,
Before darkness eclipses the valley.