The same old song,
Entangled on a phonograph;
Playing all day long
Even when the notes seem rough.

I am asking the moon once more
If she saw the balloons I freed.
The balloons I used to enamor
Are now nothing but words to bleed.

I yearn to see the same old colors
Until I realized I closed the door.
I need not another Trojan horse,
But a way to heal my core.

In hopes of taming the pain,
Fatigue starts to creep in.
Kindly fetch me another train;
Let a new day begin.

Unfinished songs, poems,
Letters, and messages --
And here I wait for more.
Perhaps a decent ending,
Or a bit of certainty will do.
But maybe that's just how
Some things are meant to end.

An old room
is the best place
to collect dust.

And I am standing
where it is best
to wait for time to reverse.

Although, I guess, it will not...
I am still standing

It was all my fault
Or at least it's what my mind wants to believe
I never blamed you for a thing or two
Because how could I
If you just left without saying goodbye?

City lights above
Piercing through the darkest night
I don't want to sleep

I've screamed screams that no one has ever heard.
I've been to worlds that no one has gone to.
I have cried tears that no one has ever saw.
I have scars that I refuse to show to anyone.
I have known truths that most are not aware of.
I've seen things that most people don't see.
I have known failures that most are afraid of.
I've won battles that no one can ever survive.
I have experienced nightmares I didn't choose to tell.
But most importantly,
I have been loved with the love that no one can ever give.
I have God... and that's more than enough.

I tried to write a poem
for poetry's my friend
but even a nice poem
couldn't make this pain end

poetry could not help me
neither could I help myself
I was finding a way to end this pain
and then I found a bookshelf

I tried to read a story
for books' could have made me smile
but even a neat book
couldn't make me smile for a while

books weren't enough
those books on the shelf
the only way to end this pain
is to end myself

"I want to stay,"
I told myself.
I want to enjoy every bit of second,
every moment, every day,
every time I get to distract myself
with the happiness I feel.
But I shouldn't,
for I should not.

Perhaps staying
can be deadly sometimes.
No matter how much you wanted
to stay on the same boat,
on the same ground,
or the same memory
over and over again,
eventually, you will eave.
Because you'll need to leave.

Perhaps leaving
isn't that bad after all.
No matter how much
you wanted to hold on,
on the bond that took years to build,
on trusts that took seconds to break,
and even on promises that took forever to wait.
Eventually, you will let everything go,
for you need to let go.

A person, an emotion,
a feeling, a sensation
would somehow be enough
to prevent me from growing.
Because of that single reason,
a child continues to wonder.
But I realized that I shouldn't,
for the reason that I should not.

This time I free myself.
I shall wear thicker skin.
I shall heighten my walls even higher.
I shall make my heart a little bit colder.
Perhaps it's not bad at all.
Perhaps it is what I need after all.

I may stay on the same ground,
but with a different pair of shoes.
I may stay on the same boat,
but with a different direction.
I may stay on the same memory,
but with a different me.

Don't get me wrong,
I want to stay, I really do,
but I do need to grow.

Sa isang patak,
Ito ay bubuhay;
Sa isang dagat,
Ito'y pumapatay.

Mamutawi man ang takot
Sa bawat pag-agos,
Mamumutawi naman ang saya
Sa bawat pagbuhos.

O kay gandang pagmasdan
Mula sa pampang.
Ngunit sa taglay nitong lalim,
Mananatiling mangmang.

Sa bawat pagbuhos ng ulan,
Sa pagbukas ng gripo,
Magbuhat man ng sakit o sustansya,
Mananatiling tubig ito.

I am not very certain
if being alone makes one strong.
Because if it is,
then I'd rather be weak.
You've always wanted me to be strong,
to be better, to be cold, to be a stone;
yet all I've ever wanted is for you to stay.
Would you consider me weak?
I care not--
even Adam needed an Eve.
Maybe I am not afraid to be alone;
I'm just afraid that you'd leave.

beg for love
beg for care
beg for something
that won't ever be there

beg for attention
beg for some ears
beg for something
that won't help with your tears

beg for assurance
beg for permanence
beg for something
that causes emotional violence

beg them to stay
beg for a friend
beg for someone
who will leave you in the end

Ain't loved;
I couldn't be loved.
And it's okay,
not because it is okay,
but because it has to be okay.

Loved;
suddenly, I could be loved.
And it's all good,
not because they would,
but because I should.

I have this huge hole within me
a part of me is missing
I couldn't help myself
couldn't be helped by somebody
'cause all I'm good at is breaking

I keep on making mistakes
I keep on being a mess
Even if a thousand times my soul breaks
I just keep drowning in darkness

I push everyone away
away from me, away from pain
because that's the only way
for them to move a mountain

I couldn't do anything, but get things worse
I keep them all in my purse
because I am just a black hole
nothing but a black hole

Pain makes people wage a storm.
Most would release the beast in any form
without hesitation, without fear;
without minding the damage,
they wouldn't even mind the effect they manage.

As they release their storm,
they thought they could also release their pain;
but little do they know,
that they actually pass on the pain.
Instead of having it ended,
it continues to grow;
resurrecting, from one to another soul.

But mine is different--pain makes me silent.
There's this huge hole within my soul
which I couldn't even detect.
There's this heavy atmosphere
that prevents me from breathing.
I would like to wage a storm, but I couldn't.
I would like to release my pain, but I couldn't.
All that I could do is feel it.
Endure it.
Suffer from it.

Silence is all that I could offer the world;
not a storm, not a beast, or anything
that would cause some damage to others,
but silence that only brings damage to myself.

At least I wouldn't be able to hurt others;
the pain would just end within me.
Or so I thought it would end.

one, two, three teardrops fell;
behind these, you were the reason I can tell.
four, five, six steps away;
without anything, you are the cause, I say.

seven, eight, nine miles from peace;
I've been bothered, because of you at ease.
ten, eleven, twelve pairs of dresses;
next time, you won't be the reason of this sadness.

I still fight;
yet I still cry at night.

I still sing a lullaby;
yet I still want to die.

I still bleed some ink;
'cause I still overthink.

I still feel like an elf;
for I still doubt myself.

I still am pale;
for I still can fail.

I still cause heartaches;
for I still make mistakes.

I still enjoy this tone;
but I still feel alone.

I still fill my bed with squares;
'cause I still have nightmares.

I still swim through rhymes;
yet I still drown sometimes.

I still want to hold you, dear;
because, honey, I still fear.

For a moment I would stop
and gaze at the sunset;
as the sun humbles itself,
I still could not forget.

For a moment I would stop
and search for the moon;
for the night is overwhelming,
I hope it fades away very soon.

For a moment I would stop
and listen to my demons;
different voices, different tones,
they are hungry lions.

For a moment I would stop
and recall my past;
what had happened?
What was that blast?

For a moment I would stop
and realize my mistakes;
I thought they would strengthen me,
but anxiety is all they make.

For a moment I would stop
and overthink for a while;
I could not sleep,
the sheep had ran a mile.

For a moment I would stop
and do nothing, but sank;
I feel nothing, am I nothing?
'Cause I feel like I'm blank.

For a moment I would stop,
hoping that this will all stop;
because I'm too drained
for another teardrop.

If I distance myself a bit,
it's your understanding that I'd want to meet.

If my silence reaches the moon,
honey, don't worry, I'll laugh soon.

If I changed for a while,
I promise I won't change my smile.

If pain makes me grieve,
please do not leave.

If at times I fail,
sing to me, like a nightingale.

If I become cold,
please do not loosen your hold.

If my demons strike again,
it's time for you to save me once again.

If you think that my love is fading,
no, honey, I'm still fighting.

If I am nowhere to be found,
I'm standing stranded on the same ground.

If I die tonight, dear,
please do not shed a tear.

rainbows did not interest me anymore
I could always hear my demons' roar

a sound sleep could not save me at all
how would you expect me to stand tall?

even the flowers that bloomed through sun's ray
couldn't make me smile, couldn't make my day

a hug could help, but only for a minute
deep talks made sense, but no one swam through it

laughter became rare and expensive
I couldn't afford one; even my tokens were evasive

they said sunsets could make you happy
oh... um... really?  

what sound should I make when I drown?
should I shout or should I just frown?

it felt like death; I've always wanted to die
happiness was silent... and so was I

And then the weather changed;
from a hot, burning yesterday
to a cold, freezing today.
At least it changed,
while here I am, my feelings have estranged.
I couldn’t find happiness for me to play
nor could I find sadness to pray.
None of these have exchanged,
they all went missing.
If you could find my emotions,
I am willing to give you a cent.
This emptiness is overwhelming,
Please go travel the nations.
I want something different.

As I stand here in front of you,
I can barely remember the words that I need to say.
I can barely feel my legs.
My hands are freezing.
My hands are shaking.
I can’t feel a thing.
Yet here I am... standing.

Today I am wearing my battle suit—
miles and miles of white fields of fabric
and underneath is a sea of navy blue.
This is what I wear when I enter the battlefield.
This is what I wear when I enter a war.

Even though the curtains, the clouds, the tables,
The trees, the windows, and the chairs
are well aware
that I’m no longer Interested in fighting.
And even if I already lost my will to fight,
here I am standing.

I am weak.
I am sensitive.
I am fragile.
I am naïve.
I am flawed
I am easily overwhelmed.
I’m a slow learner
I’m a coward
An anxious person
A failure; nothing but a failure
And a disappointment to everyone,
I’ve always been a disappointment

I am just a student.
I am but a piece of sponge to absorb;
comply, learn, read, and write…
even if it doesn’t feel right,
and even if I am not alright,
look at me.
I am standing.

In this world where there seems to be no light;
where the only goal is to survive,
and even if I die inside,
I will choose to fight.
I will choose to be a soldier.
I will choose to be a fighter.
For I chose to be a student
and I chose to be here… standing.

One day,
There was a tree in my backyard.
No one knows who planted it;
no one knows who did.
But one thing for sure,
it just grew.

Today,
I asked if I could plant one,
they say I could, but not today.
For a tree is a huge responsibility
and I guess…
I am still not ready.

Each day,
I wonder how a tree grows.
Why do we need one?
And how do you get one?
Although, it is silent,
I still can feel it.

All day,
I saw a man or two
they kept on cutting trees.
They said it hurts,
but they have to
for some do need to end.

Someday,
I will plant a tree.
Or maybe someone will do it for me.
But one thing for sure,
without a reason,
a tree will just exist.

You will smile again,
you will laugh again,
you will glow again,
you will be happy again,
you will find peace again,
you will love again,
you will be loved again,

until...

you get hurt again.

I couldn't write a poem.
I couldn't make an art.
Those things I once enjoyed doing
have faded and become nothing.
Just like when a pen falls...
it starts to lose its ink.
-

He suffered a lot
more than they could see,
and thought that eating could help.
He ate too much,
his weight grew much;
he regretted it.

He’s been hurt a lot
more than they would know,
and thought that sleeping could help.
He couldn’t sleep,
he couldn’t rest;
he missed it.

He’s been damaged a lot
more than they could imagine,
and thought that writing could help.
He grabbed the quill,
he knew he was ill;
he hated it.

He’s been abused a lot
more than they could understand,
and thought that dying would help.
He took his life,
he found the light;
he desired for it.

i am not happy
i am not sad
i am not feeling anything

i am so empty
i am so blank
i am so numb to everything

these barriers offer isolation
these boundaries provide protection
these walls put everything in chain
because attachments often lead to pain

I have this wound that will never ever be healed.
I have this big hole that will never ever be fixed.
I have this flaw that will never ever be accepted.
I have this scream that will never ever be heard.
I have this disease that will never ever be cured.
I have this value that will never ever be seen.
I have this storm that will never ever be calmed.
I have this emotion that will never ever be stopped.
I have this regret that will never ever be forgotten.
I have this pain that will never ever be gone.
I have this shame that will never ever be overcome.
I have this love that will never ever be expressed.
I have this thought that will never ever be understood.
I have this life that will never ever be good.