I'm better off when I'm dead
Want a bullet through my head
Paint the floor deep dark red

"I love you" that's what she said
Hurt is all she left me with
I'm better off when I'm dead

City street lights illuminate the depressed streets, filled with the homeless, fiends, and the city folk. Whilst the city folk go along with their life, not thinking a single thought of their “lessers” not considering how their actions affect them.
City streets illuminate yet another person taking their last breath, they thought they didn’t matter, they thought they were a waste of space.
Yet another fiend sticks a needle in their arm, little did they know there was poison in the needle.

Will the city folk ever wake up and see the death around them? Of course they won’t. Because the death of the “lessers” doesn’t affect them. Until it’s one of their relatives, or even them.
The mayor doesn’t pay enough attention to notice, the governor doesn’t care if they live or die.
The President doesn’t care either. We mustn’t look down on the “lessers”, but instead, lift them up. Stop the death, stop the harm, stop the depression.

But of course, that will never happen. They will forever be stuck in a never-ending loop of self-harm, drug abuse, homelessness, and so many other horrible things that nobody should ever have to deal with.

Flirting with death is my favorite thing to do
She often tells me that I don't have to make it through
That I can escape with her and we can run through the night together
Sometimes she takes the face of "her"
And other times she takes the face of a person I don't recognize

Flirting with death fills my head with lies
But sometimes I think what she says is true
That people don't need me
That people would be better off without me
That joining her is better than being with life

And the last time she told me all of that...
I almost joined her
But I failed to do so
Just like I always do

The gunshot still haunts the parents, the gory sight will forever be with them.
They couldn’t have known he would leave so soon, through all of his rants they never listened.

Now they know, his voice spoke the color of human veins and blood, now all that’s left is the hue of a brain.
Perhaps next time they’ll listen before the next life is taken, and red is forever splattered on their memories.

Don't get too close to me
Don't ever love me
Don't ever care for me
Because in the end...
We'll just both leave each other hurt

I am but a pawn in this world
Just another piece of their game
One that can be disposed of without hesitation
Either they do it, or I do

What is the difference?

I keep my schedule free
My contact list empty
And my wrists stained red
Just so when death comes to visit me
She makes sure I'm found dead

i don't feel like myself
i feel unreal
reality feels distant
like a fading memory
when did this ****
when will it end
dne ti lliw nehw

As the red gushed out to resemble a river on the floor, there was a sense of tranquility that was never there before.
And although that lasted but a minute, it was worth it.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And you are too

But the roses have wilted
The sugar is gone
My wrists are now ******
Because your sweetness is gone

Here I sit
Memories of last night flooding my mind
Trying to find a rhythm or maybe even a rhyme
Some sort of way to try and make sense of what happened inside

A breakdown
A knife
A bottle of red wine
And certain fateful thoughts running down the line

A death
A loss
A tragedy
And yet another bottle of red wine

A thought
A memory
A fateful blow
And a final bottle of "red wine"

Would you watch me fall tenth story off our balcony
It's all I want
Push me closer to my fantasy

Like who's at fault when these demons come back for me
Got a heart of stone
But 'm dying 'cause you left me

You’re here
But I still miss you
Even when you’re near
I miss you
I wish you knew
Just how much I need and want you

"When one hasn't met death
Yet the other has
How are you supposed to feel?"

I'm unsure for the most part
But I'm filled with...
Sadness
Despair
Hoplessness
And endless pain

For although one of them isn't 6 feet deep
Does not mean the pain from the other isn't there anymore

The pain that arose from her death engulfs me and will do so forevermore

It was my fault
All of it was
And now she's gone
Because of me
Both of them are gone
Still because of me
And I'm almost gone too
For when all you know dies
You slowly die too

(Longish Read)
------------------------
Coming home to a face I don't recognize
She always has a way of coming back to me
Her home is my butterfly garden
The one place nobody else has ever seen

She's poisoned my butterflies
But I've wilted my own Rose

I'm stuck in my own creations of hell;
Captivating thoughts of what could've been
Captivating dreams where she visits me

Some would say "Why're you stressing? Everything you're experiencing is a part of a blessing." But that's wrong, because this "blessing" is what keeps me constantly stressing

She left her mark and I solidified it
She gave me scars that I deepened
She told me things that have consumed me
And now...
From these scars, her mark, and her words
I'm trying to piece together an some sort of an escape from my own personal creation...
My own personal hellscape

As the raindrops hit his window, he tries to bring her back from the ledge
She's been there many times before, however, this time felt different.
Message after message, she wouldn't open up, he was worried for her life.
She said she had to leave, he could not let her go, for he knew what would happen,
It was his biggest fear. He couldn't have another person leave him forever.
He hoped he made her feel better, brought her back from the ledge once more.

After she was brought back from the ledge, he was grateful.
He wasn't left alone once again, and once more she hadn't left him alone.
Yet another painful experience, yet another breakdown.
And through everything, he was still there. For her to vent to. For her to go to.
And everything felt okay once again.

I'm sorry for doing this to you
On top of all else I've done
But I had to do this

I had to stop hurting
And I had to find peace
And this was the only way to do that

I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye
I've never really known how to
And they always hurt too much
But I hope my leaving doesn't hurt you too badly

In my final moments, I was beyond weak
My mind... it was done
My body needed to rest
And my soul... it was ready to be free once more

Please don't remember me the way I was yesterday
But instead
The way I was last year
Smiling, laughing, and generally happy
Not crying, shaking, and screaming

And please...
Don't leave the ones you love, simply because I left you
Stay with them
Make them feel loved
And make them feel cared for

And to you, my sister...
If you're reading this, I'm especially sorry to you
I wish I could've said goodbye to you
But I never got the chance to
And if I had of gotten the chance
I wouldn't of known how to say "Goodbye"
Just... remember
Remember that I loved you more than anything
Remember that I cared about you
And remember that you were important to me

To all others...
I'm sorry for everything
I'm sorry this road has to end
And I'm sorry I had to meet my end

But in the end...
You'll see me again
All of you will...

I love you

Goodnight

I wish to hold your hands in mine
To hold you close and breath you deep
To feel your love for real

But we are simply digital friends
You're love feels real
As does everything else

But the screen holds us back
It holds us back from what could be
What should be

I said it was forever
But I let it slip away
I said I'd never leave her
But still I took my leave
I said I'd always save her
But there I let her lay

At least I wasn't wrong about one thing...
I wasn't wrong about always loving her

But what does that matter when everything else was wrong?

My love for you still runs strong
As strong as you are
As strong as I am

Love is psychotic
Especially my love for you
Maybe I'm insane
Maybe I'm naive
But I still love you

I miss you
I miss your smile
I miss your voice
And I miss your love

As I look up to the starry sky
Time stands still
I remember the stories she would tell me
The ones about her getting up in the middle of the night just to gather her thoughts and look at the starry sight
Those stories brought me such joy

But the stories are over
They've been put on a shelf
Now the only thing I wonder
Is if my story should be put on a shelf too

How does one move on when the one thing they need in life is gone?

How does one start to love again when the love of their life is gone?

How does one stop wanting to die because every loss they've experienced haunts them every single second?

I don't know...
But I'm tired
And ready to leave

The pain seems to have no end
I just need to know where you went to my friend
Without you here
It's starting to feel like the end

It's all too much to handle
The memories of her
The memory of her death...
It's all too much to handle

It was about a month since she passed
I didn't know what to do
I was such a mess

I was screaming
I was crying
I was giving in

All the fights
All the late nights
I should've known something wasn't right

But I was too oblivious
Too selfish
Too caught up in what I wanted

And now it's over
She's gone
As am I

Now there's nothing left
Nobody left
Only an empty, wilted garden

The tears are backed up so much
I wish they’d come
I wish they’d run
And finally get all of my emotions to out of my headspace

A shell that’s almost numb
Run down from the lifelong fight
Often feeling dumb
And always in fight or flight

A father whom is barely home
A mother whom I only know over the phone
Ever since the last one left
I’ve been living in a basically broken home

Night after night
Day after day
I still feel the same pain
And still comes the same rain

Suicidal contemplation's
Consumed by anxious thoughts
Filled with my worst fears
And followed by my vulnerabilities and desperate actions

An emotionally unstable demon
One whom tries to be happy
But is beaten down every time
And left alone in his own minds creation of purgatory

I get scared when you leave me
I get scared when you take hours to respond
I get scared when you’re gone
I’m happy when you are here
Where I can see you
And know you’re okay

But you can’t always be here
And neither can I
But when we are
I seem to fall into the sky
Although my worries don’t go away
You make things seem okay
I just want to be with you all day everyday
Until the day
That we both fade away

I thought everything was okay
You told me there was nothing wrong
Tonight was the night
You showed me the truth
The horrible truth

I forgive you though
I hope you’re okay
I hope your life is phenomenal
It’s what you deserve
It’s what you need

Theres nothing left to be said
Nobody left to be seen
Nothing left to be felt

So why should I keep being?

Why did you do this to me
I thought you loved me
I thought you cared about me
I thought you cherished me

You never loved me
You never cared about me
You never cherished me
If you did
You never would’ve held your secrets
You never would’ve led me on
You never would’ve hurt me this way

But now you did
You showed me who you truly are
You showed me that you’ll hurt me
That you’ll manipulate me
You’ll lie to me
And you’ll never love me
But I don’t want to be loved by who you are
I wanted to be loved by who I thought you were

You thought holding secrets again would be okay
You thought that hurting someone else in place of me would be okay
You thought that I’d not see the horrible truth
You thought I’d never find out everything else
But I did
I learned everything you never wanted me to see
You manipulated me
You lied to me
You hurt me

Why would you hurt me so bad
Why would you think it would be okay
Why would you think I’d just be a doormat
Why did you keep lying to me even after I had accepted you again
And if you think you didn’t
You still held a secret
And maybe a million more

I told you everything
I opened up to you
I loved you
I cherished you
I cared about you
You were my everything
But my everything
Was a lie

I missed you every time I had to leave
I missed you every time you weren’t around
I missed you so much
And for everything that I missed to be a lie
For you to be a lie
Hurts to no end
You’ve broken my heart
And you knew you would

Perhaps someday we’ll see each other again
Maybe by that point in time you won’t be so hurtful
Perhaps this isn’t who you’ll always be
But
Maybe it is
Maybe this is just the way you’ll always be
Perhaps you’re just going to hurt me again if I come back
Maybe you will
Maybe you won’t
I believe that you will
I believe that you always will
And that is one of many hurts

I could write for hours about you
I could write for hours about how you hurt me
I could write for hours about everything I thought was real
But won’t that be spending even more of my time on you
Won’t that be wasting my time
Trying to show you how ******* up what you’ve done is
Trying to show you how things truly are
Because if you think I believe you actually see how bad this is
Think again
You were doing it again
Only this time
It was with him instead of me
You lied to me even after I forgave you
You lied to me again
And you don’t even realize it
You don’t even see it

I thought I’d never leave
But that was before I truly knew you
I had to leave
I had to save myself
I had to make you see
I had to
Didn’t want to
But I had to

Now I must say goodbye
As the tears run down my face
And the hurt is still inside of me

Goodbye Rózsa

It's funny how words can do such damage
It's hurtful how I don't know how to use them
For when I slip up, I hurt those I love
And when I hurt those I love, I hurt badly
Perhaps amends can be made
Perhaps hearts can be healed

I don't know which direction things will go
All I know is that I want to be the healer
And though I can't right now
I must try to not cause pain again
And break hearts once again

I wish that someday
I can figure out how to show them how I feel
I need them to know
They deserve to know

Broken promises
Dying hearts
Breaking hearts
And disappearing dreams

All of it seems...
To be because of me

**** all these other *******
These stitches
These tricks 'n hoes
You're the only one I want
You're the one I chose

"Maybe she's talking about me"
"No, why would she be?"
"Because she misses you."
"No, she doesn't. Not after what you did."
"But she does, and she hasn't been the same since you left."
"You're wrong, she's more than fine without me."

It's a constant war in my head
And this is only one example of a battle

Ever since I left I've not been the same
But I can't go back
She doesn't want me back
And she never will

Reading her poems to try and look back
Crying these tears while trying to turn back
Wondering why I had to hurt her so bad
Wondering how I could've been so horrible
Horrible enough to awaken the beast
The beast known as "Depression"
The beast known as "Suicide"

How could I have done this to her
Why... did I do this to her

I should've saved her
I should've shown her the truth
But I didn't
And now...
Now it's too late

Now she's dead
And she died thinking I hated her
Thinking I would be fine without her

But in the end...
She was wrong
She was so wrong...

Someday I'll see her again
But this time... it'll be because I met my end
And I look forward to that day

I don't look forward to it because I'll be dead
But instead
Because I'll be with her again

Heaven or hell
For better or worse
I no longer care
As long as being away from her is no longer a curse

Although we're together again
I feel so far away
I miss having you here
I wish you would stay...

You're love is a medicine
It takes away all my pain
But I don't know if I can say
That you will love me for one more day

She says she misses me
She says she still loves me
She says she's a mess without me

But how can that be?
How can she feel that way after I left?
And why...

I miss her
Still love her
And am still a mess without her

Someday we'll feel okay
Maybe I'll even be special to her someday

Although I don't know you
And can't talk to you
That doesn't mean I don't care about your words
Or your caring for me
It just means that I'm too afraid to talk to you
For the last time I spoke to someone I didn't know...
It ended badly
And I can't let that happen again
And I'm sorry that I can't be there
But...
I feel that it's better this way

nothing but static
i despise the static
i wanna **** it
but it's
untouchable
invisible

it's a metaphor
it's another realm
it's another life
another universe
a timeline i wish to erase
a heart that only breaks

As the walls crumble around me
And all the memories of her race through my head
I take one last breath...
And face the bliss that is death

Do you miss me?
Do you love me?
Do you care if I live or die?

Why should you?
Why would you?

I don't deserve your love
I don't deserve your caring
I don't deserve you

And I never will

We are complication
Dancing in the night without a care in our heads
Loving each other like we’d someday share beds
But still merely holding on by a thread

We are denial
Blaming ourselves for mistakes that never could’ve been avoided
Feeling that one another would be better off without the other
And missing the big picture hidden within the darkness of our cover

We are the night
Talking until we fall asleep and loving every minute of it
Yet feeling that we went wrong somewhere down the line
Yet continuously loving each other just the same

We are beautifully broken
We’ve been broken down by our pasts
We’ve never known what it’s like to truly be loved by anyone
Yet we love as if we’ve known how to for thousands of millennia

Waiting for her message to come through
Waiting for the day to be over and through
Because when the days end
And her message was never sent
I know one thing for sure
I'll see her while sleeping in my bed

I'll see her in my dreams

I'll hear her voice again
I'll hear her laugh again
I'll see her smile again
I'll be with her again

Until the morning comes
And I repeat the same hellish day again

Runny nose
Broken heart
Tear filled eyes

These are all side effects...
Side effects of when your best friend dies

metal, iron, sharp and narrow
canvas, skin, blood and marrow
metal meets skin, iron comes rushing
scarring the canvas, all but hushing

Death called me last night
She told me everyone would be better off without me
That I wouldn't hurt any longer
That if I joined her... I'd not have to be away from "her" for any longer

I flirted with her for a while
But in the end
I hung up the phone

The first time we spoke
You seemed to be a lot like me
And right off the bat
I loved you
Only as a friend
But I've always loved you in some way
And now
Those feelings have progressed
Apparently these feelings aren't only felt by me
However
I can't help but question everything that's said
It makes me feel horrible
Thinking my love is going to be leaving soon
Thinking I'm making things bad
Thinking people are hiding things

I know they aren't hiding anything
And that I'm not making things bad
And that my love will never leave me
But I still question it
I still feel horrible for it
And still wish I could delete this hell
For those I love
And myself
Maybe I'll be healed someday
Perhaps it'll only heal when I'm laid down to rest
Only time will tell