when you're young you
hear all the stories about
the monsters under your
bed or in your closet or
hiding in the shadows
but no one ever bothers
to tell you about the ones
hiding in beautiful eyes
and unforgettable smiles

it's almost funny how as soon
as i think i've got something
good it gets torn out of my
life and i'm reminded that
nothing is permanent

sometimes i'm not even sad
i just lose all motivation
and then people think i'm
ignoring them and i guess
i am and in my head i'm like
"respond to them get up do
something anything stop just
staring at nothing" and the
entire rest of me is like "sit
back down it's easier to withdraw
yourself when you're completely
mentally detached"

i wish i could tell
you what's wrong
but i don't even
know why i'm
crying anymore
and i have no idea
why i'm folding up
inside
all i know is i just
want it all to stop
*please

i'm so tired and i
can't shake this
heavy feeling in
my chest
i've lost the desire
to get out of bed
and talk and be
social
all i ever want to
do is sleep because
just being awake is
exhausting
i've been trying to
make everyday and
myself better but it's
so hard to connect
with anyone
i want to go home

i think i'm forgetting
how to talk i'm losing
my words in all of the
tears and blood and its
getting a little harder to
stand up without falling
over i don't know if i can
be saved at this point but
it would be nice if someone
tried to pull me above water

i know i'm sad most
of the time and also
usually hard to deal
with but you do it
and you make me
feel like i'm on top
of the world and i
don't think i've ever
been so thankful for
one person in my
entire life

it's been hard to
sleep since you
gouged out the
hearts in my eyes
and replaced them
with waves of tears

you offered me food and
got angry at me for declining
and you thought you were
helping by forcing me to
eat in public places and
laughing when i couldn't
and you thought you were
a riot when you were
making hundreds of
weight jokes but truth
be told i was never worse
than when i endured the
months of torture i did
when i called myself
*yours

i'm trying to keep
my head above the
water but the waves
you've been creating
are brutal and i don't
know how to swim

i'm staring at the iv bag
praying it would just
empty faster but i know
that'll do no good and
it'll take at least another
two or three hours and
you're sitting in what
looks to be the most
uncomfortable chair
in the world and i
invite you to lay on
the most uncomfortable
hospital bed in the world
with me but you said you
didn't want to take up too
much space and crush me
but to be honest i don't
think i'd mind being
smothered by you
i'd still love you

it's three-thirty AM and
i'm trying to pull myself
together and i'm putting
on a pretty good act but
it's getting harder and
my skin is only getting
thinner

i thought i was okay
and all of the teary
eyed nights were
over but here i
am all alone in bed
trying not to let
things get too
bad again

i've been trying to stay
positive but it gets so
hard sometimes
i still remember that night
in july when i almost took
all those pills
and i still remember the
morning after when i cried
for hours because i was so
pathetic i couldn't even ****
myself
the depression hit like a
brick to the face and i wonder
everyday why me
i get so sad i can't even bring
myself to get out of bed for
days and no one even tries
to get me up
i want to be positive and happy
all the time but it's so *******
hard and i don't know how
long i can keep disappointing
myself like this

i'm crossing oceans
and i'm making waves
and i'm becoming a tsunami
i'm causing a *******
scene because *******
it i miss you so much tonight

i hate when you don't respond
late at night and i know you're
getting much needed rest i'm
sorry for being so selfish and
needy but i don't think i've
ever been anything else

drink, drink, drink
over and over again
and try to stop and
pick up the bottle
again
laugh at yourself in
the mirror and then
cry about how you
can't even take yourself
seriously
why can't i stop this
anymore?
the pounding headache
and the hangovers are
almost too much and
i don't know if i can
handle this sadness

i was trying so hard and
put everything on the
line just to see you
i did everything i could to
build you up while you
were too busy tearing
me down to notice
but now that i've given up
you want to see me more
than ever and you need
me in your life?
i refuse to be a doll
sitting on a shelf
in the back of
your mind

i laugh at everything and
i talk about my emotions
so freely and i'm open to
everyone i meet but i'm
so scared and i can't even
force myself to get close
anymore
i can't believe i let this
happen
when did it get so bad

all i really have right now
are these old photos and
memories of everything
that happened and that
recurring dream about
the night you said you
don't love me anymore
i'm trying to just forget
it but it's engraved in my
mind and there's nothing i
can do about the tears tonight

it's 3am and i can't seem
to shake the thought of
you braiding flowers into
someone else's hair

i'm so tired all of the time
and my bones are aching
and my joints are screaming
and my mind is begging for
rest
but all i can do for now is
hope i can get a few minutes
of sleep before you decide to
creep back into my mind and
keep me up for a few more days
maybe even a week
i can't keep doing this to myself
and am i really doing it or are
you still controlling me from so
far away?

coffee helps keep me awake
but nothing keeps me up quite
like the thought of you loving
someone else

it was christmas eve and you
had been drinking but you
still insisted on driving us all
home
you were swerving and it was
snowing and you said you
didn't care if you killed us all
that night
i was crying and screaming i
wanted to die and no one even
batted an eye
how could you do that to us?
fathers aren't supposed to ruin
christmas.

i'm ripping apart my body
at the seams trying to find
the parts you may have left
behind but so far i've come
up with nothing
i'm all alone here and i'm
only trying to find an escape
and i know i'm looking in
all of the wrong places but
i've got to look somewhere
right?

i'm fighting trying to fill the
void you left with mindless
*** and too many cigarettes
i'm addicted to one or the other
and i wish i could tell which
but until i figure it out i guess
i'll continue drowning myself
in warm flesh and smoke
this isn't going very well and i
wish i could say otherwise but
lately everything's gone to ****
and you're never around

do you know that feeling?
where you can't really
place what's wrong and you
can't really explain what's
happening around you but
you know you don't feel
alright and it's like you're
slipping away under the ice
and no one's trying to break
through?
do you? do you know?

i didn't cry when my father
said he wasn't sure he loved
me anymore and i didn't cry
when my mother let him hit
me so hard i passed out
i didn't cry when my first ever
boyfriend broke my heart and
went after my best friend and i
didn't cry when they lasted so
much longer
i didn't cry when the cancer
stole my grandfather from me
and i didn't cry at the funeral
when everybody was asking
me how i felt
i didn't cry after all of those
boys took advantage of my
inability to fight back and i
didn't cry when they all told
everyone about it
but ******* it i could't stop
the tears fast enough when you
said you didn't love me anymore

i still find it so
strange that as
soon as i was
gone you went
right back to
everyone you
said you never
would

i was walking for miles
and you asked me why
i was out so late
it was freezing cold and
the rain was picking up
i thought no one would
notice me but you did
you picked me up and
asked me where i was
going and why i wasn't
home and if i knew how
to make a fire without a
lighter or matches
you made sure there
wasn't a moment of silence
during the whole car ride
and i never noticed you were
driving me home until you
pulled into my drive way
i asked you how you knew
where i lived and you said
remember that time in
elementary school you
invited me over after school
because you heard my mom
left us?
i said yes, i didn't say i
thought about it for years
wondering if you remembered
how when you were going
home that night i told you i
loved you

i told you about that time
years ago when all those
boys didn't care that i was
in pain and they didn't
care that i was saying no
and they didn't care that
i was crying and you did
an amazing thing for me
that night *you cared

we were sitting in your car
in the church parking lot
and you told me about your
dad and i told you about
mine and you said you really
liked me and all i could
think about was everyone that
left only minutes after
saying they never would

you never understood why
i always wanted to stay in
every night and neither did
i but you forced me to go out
and expected me to be grateful
but you were hurting me and
i couldn't breathe and i tried
to tell you over and over it's
not helping but you never
listened and now you're angry
with me for cutting off the one
person that never really wanted
me to get better

time's going by slower and
slower and it's getting hard
to look at myself in the
mirror but i did this to myself
and i know i did and i can feel
the regret creeping up behind
me and i can feel it crawling
on my skin and into my pores
and sinking it's teeth into my
bones
the pain is taking over and it's
getting hard to breathe and i
can't tell reality from nightmare
and maybe that's what i've been
after all along
why didn't you stop me why
would you ever let this happen
to me you let me tear the flesh
from my bones just for the show

you always said it could be
worse and that someone
else could be having a terrible
day but what you failed to
notice was that everyday was
a terrible day for me
i wanted you to understand
i'm not just going to get
better and that it would take
time but you pushed and
pressured and pressed on for
a speedy recovery that
never came
now i'm stuck with all of these
bad days and cigarette
burns and ****** noses and
where did you even go

i know you were just
kidding around when
you asked me to be
your girlfriend and i
know you were just
kidding when you
would tell people i'm
all yours and i know
you were just kidding
when you said you'd
love me forever if i did
this or that for you but
oh my god i wish you
weren't

i eat alone and sleep
alone and i go out alone
and stay home alone
and ******* it i'm so
tired of being alone

look at me god
**** it look at
me and tell me
i matter and tell
me your parents
don't hate the
thought of us
loving each other
and make your
eyebrows do that
silly thing they
did at 2am that
one time in your
basement and
tell me this isn't
happening

i feel like  i'm
drowning but
my entire body
is on fire and my
lungs are collapsing
and my flesh is falling
from my bones
i'm all alone here
and i'm waiting for
everything to stop and
for the silence to take over
please don't let me
slip away

my feet are freezing
and the smoke keeps
blowing back in my
face but that's not
going to stop me from
smoking this whole
pack of cigarettes
i'm only trying to
remove the taste of
your lips from mine
i'm only trying to
expell the poison you
breathed into my lungs
i'm only trying to
forget about you

my birthday is coming up
faster than ever and i've
been waiting for you to ask
me what i want or do i
feel older yet or what i'm
going to do but you
haven't said a word and i
guess i'm just getting
used to that

you taught me
that the saying
our grandparents
used
if it isn't broken
don't fix it
is obsolete
you taught me
your own version
*if it's broken
buy a new one

it's cold all the time
now and it's even
colder when i'm all
alone but i'm working
on warming up and
i'm working on
getting close and i'm
working on fixing
myself

they say
"boys don't like smokers"
as if it really matters
as if i care what boys think
as if i can quit just like that

he makes my
heart soar and
stomach flutter
he makes me
smile for hours
and laugh for days
he makes me so
happy
something you
never could

it's funny how
you tried to tell
me how to feel and
how to act and what
to say when in the end
you turned out to be the
one without any self control

i'm tearing my flesh from
my bones to feel something
and yes it hurts and yes
there's a mess and yes my
family is screaming and
i would be too if i didn't
think you'd get angry at
me for distracting you

you always asked me
why i sleep so much
but the truth is i don't
get more than a few
hours of sleep
i lay awake all night
waiting for someone
to notice i'm alone and
i'm scared and i can't
seem to find a reason
to live
i wanted you to notice
i was dropping hints
i was leaving clues
i was waiting