hello again--

i fell off the "write everyday because it's good for you" wagon
and instead have been reading,
and doing yoga
and trying not to wish for death,

and endless nebula of darkness and void space
cosmic light exploding over in over in the reaction
of night,
this black goes on
inside my head
this pulsing of "should i be here"
"is there a point"
"can i really do anything to change the world"

so i just float through,
sipping coffee and reading Dracula
and hoping that it's enough
for now--

jagged beast with
teeth aplenty,

keen eyes flashing
with thoughts of prey,
of me
no,
of my thoughts
just swimming in
circles wondering
when we'll meet--

this 'should be' day nine
but i'm not sure if it is--

i have such mixed emotions
floating through my head-space,
not sure if i should be sexting you
or ignoring you--

i love you--

there's no question in my mind,
but is it good?
is it healthy & sustainable?

only time will tell--

the girl
   flapped her arms
until they grew,

sprouting grotesque
black limbs
feathered in darkness--

and off
she flew
into the night--

as a kid, I was excellent at mathematics
& decided 7 was my lucky number
due to it's being prime, a number
that did not fit or divide evenly with anything,
as it was for me with friends--

i've skipped day seven
and find it interesting that
with time, i'm now drawn more to 8,
the infinite purpose and divinity
found in the ability to continue on
despite the odds,
a finite existence turned mystical
as the lion of Strength
closes his mouth
and does not speak his needs this day--

the wispy spider whispers in my ear
the secrets to eternity,
this obtuse circling of a star that has long passed
i wonder what my purpose is--

i wish i was not so aggressive with you,
my need for your improvement haunts me
as i want to be held and comforted
as i've never known, a feeling i've tasted
and long for deeply--

us humans are not taught to love ourselves,
to really nurture our own hearts
& minds, to know what is is we seek
to the furthest reaches of the galaxies,
we settle, don't question, don't find

& i want more--

backwards progress
like the clock has lost
it's purpose &
decided to join the circus

**** it--

the effort has been perilous and i thought it would be alright just to hear your voice and feel your love and remember what we were working for but i'm stressed and nervous and what if i was wrong and we can't do this and it's just a solo road ahead until the landscape becomes smoother i just don't know--



i want to believe it's going to work out,
but i'm expending energy on it
that i don't have to expend worrying
when i dragged myself through
the grocery store after work and bought yarn,
the simplest of tasks
were the most soul-wrenchingly exhausting
& i want to go to bed--

is this what we need?
would you be better without me?
would i be better without you?
it hurts me to even ask
since i'd like to believe
i know what love feels like
but then maybe i'm not a good example--


there's this place
in my head far away,
my higher self lives there
in this magic forest,
Totoro and i could be kindred spirits
of thick, moist forest air
that rejuvenates the soul
just to smell the abundance,
the lust for everything & want for nothing--

i'd like to say things are getting easier


but i don't know much these days--

a light-headed
easiness is my breath,
finding footing and security
in the simple act
of breathing in
& out--

i am figuring out
what feels good, natural
like the length of leg-hair
that grows with steadfast vibrancy,
a thickness i accept
like the curves of my thighs, touching--

your words bring nurturing comfort,
this feeling of acceptance
& patience in your arms, distant
while i caress my own heart
with sweet nothings,
knowing full well we're both worth it--

scattered thoughts
but run
ning
non-
stop

breathe--

yoga s t r e t c h,

b r e a t h e

b e    h e r e,

finally figuring out
how to focus on what i have,
not the lack--

waking up to your comments
& feel a jolt,
the remembrance of what i'm working for,
or what could be
once i learn

me--

my eye lids are crack ed
flaking, an abundance of tears
leaving so frequently

a multitude at once, i know for sure
the end is nigh
but i charlie brown drag,
puff puff, no pass
and clean, straighten
in hopes of piecing together the in-
side while at it--

self-reflection looms
as i stare steadily in the mirror,
spray,
wipe,
but i know you have much to learn
& i can weather my demons
or just
flush them,

if only soul depth
could be explained as simply
as wiping away the cat hair
from the bathroom sink--

utter exhaustion upon awaking,
soft patter of rain
falling gently against my window
as i toss and roll for comfort,
covers pulled up over head
to block out the indistinct gray
of a cloud-filled sky--

this indescribable need to run away,
to recluse like Dracula
in his cobwebbed castle, empty
& alone, to discover what I really need--

i like nature-filled silence,
frog croaks over the thrumming of steady showers
and delicate moth wings tasting the air,
landing on my skin to taste me too--

we can do this--

i can do this--

alone

replays
over and
o v e r

hearing your voice,
& feeling alone--

this insane loop of "break"
playing on repeat,
this promise of love forever
if only we survive the

s
p
a
c
e

--

mother moon–

your radiance glimmers
like fireflies between blankets
of jealous clouds, fighting
for your affections,


but you don’t mind–

that scandalous smile
as you part the suitors,
your brilliant figure dances free
to light up the night,


no fear–

the monotony
of frap
after frappuccino

after frap,
sloshing flavored syrup
up my arms
and fingers sticky with caramel--

we run like hamsters
round & round
and don't stop
'til we're dead--

the rain streaks the house,
mist thick with sticky-sweat
like the furrow of your brow
amidst the drone of fellow worker bees
buzzing furiously in the hive, hollow--

this work we do,
this constant give

and

give,

to the corporation of fools
and zealots destined to become sheep,
however fully compensated & empty, too--

oh to have wings,
but be afraid to fly free
fast, strong & able
as a mind without a doubt, cellophane-
clear and successfully damaged
to take threatening direction,
to find the golden ticket
amongst racist Oompa-Loompas
but walk away from the true reason for being alive--

c'est la vie--

life goes on

well you already knew that--

the uncomfort,
t i g h t
             n e s s

like we're always
on different planes of pain,
but rarely inter-
secting,

this erratic strain to relate
when we're making excuses
and avoiding the issues
but kissing anyway--

h e l p l e s s
                     n e s s--

-LNM

it hurts
and I chew my lips
until they’re gone,
history–

though that’s what
lipstick is for,

to press to your
collarbone and hope
it’s enough,

am I ever enough–

this dull pounding in my chest,
gets heavier, harder
so I reach out to you

I hope the demons
will accept me,
allow the gifts I bring
to reside deep within
your chest, like the bones
of your ribcage
but they blanket my words,
reduce my efforts to cinders

like the day she left me
all alone,

always alone–

--LNM

we sip
berry blood wine
under the full goddess moon
eclipsed radiance
and I wonder about
our future--

I need dependable solace
yet comfort, the faith to
speak and not nag, to be really heard--

done with fake promises
and unfulfilled needs,
a new untread path
with brambles and semi-clearing
to unearth my passion,
my desire to grow
& love again--

--LNM
(02.11.2017)

this hollow ringing
in my ears,
the drum of
your heart

beat

beating,

I can't get the dull silence
of smoke and your lack

of

pulse

to leave
my heart,

imprinted there
with all the love I ever had--

the pulse of raging flame
sitting in wait           deep
within the core of light

the flicker of spark ignites,
like the screech of dead, cold metal
along your wooden floor
as I fight the need to scream
and break your vaporizer--

this slumbering dragon
sitting in my chest
with billowing wings of
emerald green and burnt-orange
like a whirlwind of autumn leaves twirling
crescent magic of destruction
pulling and pushing
this rage up and down
until the tendrils of flame simmer
and I stand on tip-toes to kiss
your soft lips, the smoke
escaping as exhaust and love, tender--

subtle sway, my dear
the way your hips
keep time under mine
as we wiggle-ripple
to the bear-growl
you breathe deep
in my ear--

the seashell glimmer
of seafoam and fir tree moss
sparkles out the corners
of your eyes
as you dimple sweetly
up at me--

I lose where I end
and you begin,
a lavish ocean of
passionate spray along the wind
of birds flying overhead
and delicate kisses mingled
amidst sheets--

i don't know
how i came to know you,
feel you so deeply a part
of me so quickly,

but I have to wonder
if the stars have
a plan in mind for us
to learn together,
beneath the radiant moon--

--LNM
(01.16.2017)

what’s this love
you write about,
this never-ending
bump and grind,
hips sway sultry beat-
box time as I make
pancakes,
sweet syrup melting
liquid brown like
those eyes,
behind me first, I pull
push, need, don’t
stop
and I’m giving your
mouth wet moisture
drop drip passion
I never stop
moaning, writhing
a vision of
curvy flesh
and goosebumps, tender
the wind rustling just outside–

marvel makes good movies
but I write rhythm ***,
for words reveal
so much, so little
the perfect monotony
of heartbreak and passion
looming, so
I light up and imagine cosmic
galaxies above,
the vast comforts
of space and bedsheets,
for I’m but a simple
hunter of new things
and hidden smiles–

–LNM

Up down
the hill that I just keep
finding my feet
flowing but I can't stop
and my knees
lock and bones grind
breaking my teeth
forced into falling down and down
but an up comes, yeah?
do you know
when the rivers flow back
and my heart
finds its beat and the woods sing again

I'm not sure,

and my arms
outstretched towards the endless sky
I weep for the moon and mostly
for you--

--LNM
(12.01.2016)

breezy bliss
I sit and sip,
intensitea to the subtle
coo of bird calls
and soft kitten feet
across wood floors--

the rain plays gently
with the flower buds,
caressing their petals
and kissing their stems
in earnest,
the breeze whisks the
rain away and the clouds
cover the sky in grey magic--

the true nature of calm
settles upon the earth
and Mother Earth smiles

this is a casual magick Saturday--

-LNM

to blink
after such travesty
to watchtowers,
is like a single
slow moving crack
moving across an
iceberg, becoming
jagged in the tide–

she should
know better how to
control her flames,
not just feed
out of control, their
heights engulfing
her ceiling and walls,
stiffling–

to break free
humid restrictions
and agony, replaced
forest breath with
quartz of roses for eyes

running through
time and space,
I happen upon you
dancing with someone else--

you sway,
she leans
and I sulk for
losing my chance--

eventually I'll have the nerve
to ask you to dance,
to grace the world
with your radiance
and I'll bask in blissful
happiness as you look at me
and only me amidst the Others--

she walks
with focused grace,
legs curve softly
under loose fitted sofa
pants and skate shoes--

she talks with hurried
importance, words flying down
stairs until she pauses
momentarily to flip her
hair over her shoulder
(mind you it's just below shoulder length and i can't get over it)
and i love her--

we hold hands most nights
beneath dim stars and
whispering graves, walking silently
i long to kiss
your black lips, painted
but get shy
when you notice--

my skateboard lady,
i will come for you one day--

she's confused--

the veil wrapped
so tightly over
her eyes she
starts to choke
in the midst of
a gathering--

is it really so easy?

mostly beneath the
surface, the iceberg
is seemingly small
and yet continues
for hours, deep
beneath the realms
of possibility--

sighs and tender touches never hurt before

she's just trying
to mend the hurt
while inflicting
more with
every breath--

they exist
in perfect stillness,
surrounded by
flowing water and
comforting earth--

the tree extends
it's spider legs
serendipitously over
casual rocks and crevices
to reach the Mother's stream
of which life truly flows--

they come to heal
heavy hearts
beneath the warmth
of winter's light rays--

blessed anew,
they carry on--

the blood-stained
dried walls
are my prison,
lit with intense florescent
beams of fake sunshine
that pierce into
my eye sockets--

the others
with their bright
smiles of lips pulled
violently back over teeth
and insistent demands
are my jailors,
content that I do their bidding
so long as things go
their way--

I slide ring slide bag
over and over
and over
with empty words
until my heart
is ready to burst--

customer service
is for drones--

The Earth
is the Mother
beneath my feet--

in her eyes,
I am sturdy
with my toes
squishing dirt
beneath my soles--

the Sun is my Father
always watching,
radiating Light to
guide my way,
as he's done
since I was small--

his lady wife,
Mother Luna of the night
guiding my dreams
and watery feelings
as I swim through lakes
of passion, and climb
steep mountains of fear
before jumping
through the sky--

my guides are always
there, comforting me
in their safe embrace--

So here I sit,
millions of thought moths
rattle through my
skull, like change
at the bottom of
her purse--

the trees whisper
silently, urging
me to be still,
quiet, patient--

they give my heart
peace as winds
tickle my skin
in tender kisses,

I long for your
company, embrace even--

words wrap whimsically
around cranium pie
and I float beneath
candy clouds
of my wildest fantasies--

fairies in sapphire
robes fly kyanite black
dragons through gum
drop caves where coffee
porter and smoke vapors
are common amongst
townsfolk--

it's okay to be in love--

falling for that clerk that toasted your bagel
first thing in the day,
winking at the guy next to you
at the gas pump as he admires
your Femme ride--

this girl in my heart
shies away from feeling,
but expresses so much--

like knowing how to skate but
refusing to because of how free and
happy it makes her---

Pump the breaks!
Seize the ******* day!

it's okay if those temporary others
don't share those feelings,
but rather acknowledge your
gratitude and shift their own thinking--

that clerk's job isn't meaningless,
that guy at the pump isn't a creep--

meeting the right human at the exact
Cosmic time is absurd,
thrilling and anxiety-causing but
smiling at those that pass through
makes the big things seem so much smaller--

just breathe, fellow traveler
it gets easier--

we're traveling
this astral belt,
floating on this
makeshift rock
surrounded by the
vastness of galaxies
and cosmos--

why does it matter
if your job *****
sometimes?

feast your eyes
on the skies
and choose to be
above it--

beers slosh,
girls spit
boys lust,
we stare--

you wander helplessly from afar,
tragically beautiful
in mystery
as you walk blindly searching--

I'm fascinated--
your intimate brown eyes
search everywhere,
and I wonder if I should
break the mysticism
and approach you--

"do you have aluminum foil?" you blurt out,
having given up your great venture
and I realize that it was intrigue alone
that drew me to you--

She stands still
as the flood flows
down through her hair,
tickling her ******* as she
silently sways to the
cleansing of the wet
by flickering candle flame--

the moss-sea green
walls drip with
radiant blessing,
her selenite wand
radiating light and
elegant love--

she was clean in the
moisture of blessed
running water
in warm quarters
as the blizzard raged outside--

Rose quartz gathered
in the palm of her
warm hand, breathing deeply,
constant-thought pushing around
through the insides of her skull
as she surrenders to love–

From her neck she
has worn amethyst for a long time,
wanting to protect her from the world–

Change is blowing through the trees
around her home, swaying
to the beat-box of Autumn’s chill,
reminding her to always smile–

As she nestles
under covers, Bast sneaks in
through the window and
places her paw against
her forehead, the temple of
the Other world awaits, my dear–

she crept out
of bedsheets warm
to clothes in the
dark, mostly dry
heat rising off her
arms like chill on
bare legs--

she leaned in to caress
his burrowed head
and found a slumbering
wolf hidden
in layers of fur,
heat rising from
flesh exposed tender--

she nuzzled her mate
and suppressed a howl,
for she too longed for
warm flesh and furs
to be entangled in her,
like the warm side of the pillow
after a long day
running through the brisk chill--

the glow
just before the sunset,
the sparkle of the water
catches your eye
as we trapse
amongst fallen
burnt orange
pie-crusted dancers
who have retired
their colors to grace
our footsteps along
the mud-soaked earth–

you click your camera
in time with the breeze,
smiling wistfully as
you pose the perfect shot–

I walk with you
to forget the pain
and it magically fades away
along the breeze you
hum to lead our way–