A mutual agreement
To rip each others hearts out
A mutual agreement
That we simply wont work together
I have to wait atleast a year
And he cant wait for just a year
Two different people
Who just didn't think it through
Who rushed head long
And who are both broken now
It makes it easier that it was mutual, sure
But it still hurts
And im still gonna miss you
Im gonna miss you alot
I really liked him
The first boy who ever liked me back
The first relationship i had ever been in
Lasted less than two whole months
Now isn't that just sad
Well I certainly am
He was so great
But we weren't meant to be
And i know i can trust God in this
And i know he has something big in store for both of us
But right now it still hurts
And my heart still aches
And im still gonna miss you
And im still gonna think about you
And im sorry i ever said i liked you back
Im sorry we ever went down this road
Because not only did i lose a relationship
But i also feel like i lost the friendship
And it was such a good friendship
And im gonna miss it
And im gonna miss you

What are dreams?
I have had dreams of death
Where i watch myself steal away anothers breath
Where i **** others that i love
But then some dreams are soft as a lily white dove
And these dreams seem to disapear faster
They dont linger
And yet there are others still
The ones that i control through my own will
These are the ones that must always stay
And im trying to find a way
To keep these dreams alive
But i have to constantly revive
But if thats what it takes
Its what ill do
Because im done giving up on you
Im done not letting people in
I dont care if they know my sin
Thats my dream you see
To feel comfortable as me
I want to be a people person
I want to talk freely
And to just openly speak
But i get so weak
But ill keep trying and continue striving
I wong give up on my dream

In my life iv had alot of pain
In my life iv been crippled
By not seeing the gain
Iv wanted to die

Iv held that blade to wrist
Iv stood on the edge
Of that bridge
Iv looked down

But i didn't jump

I stood and i thought
About what doing
This thing would wrought
And i just stood

I couldn't do it
Maybe because i was weak
And so i didn't speak
To anyone about this

Because i was ashamed
I was afraid
I still am

But i have to move on
I have to keep going
The sun is slowly showing

Thanks to all the people
In my life
I put away my knife

I have to really live
And so this to you i give
Im ready now
To open up my heart
I know this is just a start
But its a beginning
And i hope to move on
This battle is not won
Ill still fight
The dark still comes at night
But with your help
I can keep going
And i want to thank you
For showing me something new
This strange idea
That i dont have to be alone
To me you have shown
That there is pain
In life you have to strain
To keep going
But slowly you can start growing
I want to make chances
I dont want to regret
And i dont want to have to forget
The things iv done
I want to sit in the sun
And smile
And stay for awhile
In that happy place
But know that its because of God's grace
That iv made it this far
And i couldnt have done it
Without you.

There is a place i go to hide
There is a place where i wished i had died
There is a place somehwere near
Where i have often gone and cried

This place i tried to share
But no one seemed to care
To me it was magical
Buf i didn't really dare

To hope that they could see
Because this place encompassed me
And wasnt about them
It was where i had come to be

To be who i am now
Its where i found
Out who i truly was
Its where my heart was bound

I went there often
I havent been back
I miss it
That beautiful rooftop
Where i would sit
And cry
Or wish i could die
Or think about suicide
Or where i would go
When there was no one home
And i could sit and think
I miss my rooftop
It was my place.

I dont have alot of friends
But now i have one less than not alot

You're not sleeping tonight
says the pains in my chest
you're not sleeping tonight
says the darkness that will never rest

Today was one of those days
Where nothing goes wrong
But still life has its ways
Where it all feels too long

Nothing really happened
The world didn't end
But still you feel a rend
It's like your hearts a little bent

For no particular reason
Yiu just keep failing
Its not simply a season
And for an instant you think about bailing

But you keep on pushing
And you just have to trust
Its like your on a wing
And suddenly you see rust
And your heart leaps
But deep inside
Your heart still beats
Because you see the wing is wide
And you know you can trust
In the pikot of the plane
And though occasionally
Your faith will wain
The pilots is better than Sully
So you keep your head up
And thank your lucky stars
That your above all these cars
That you can see the world
And so you breathe and look out
And you smile and lose your doubt
Because you put your faith
Not in the plane
But in the one who flies it.

Life is such a parodox
Its an oxymoron
Those who talk the least
Have the most to say
Those who feel the most
Cant even show it
Those who have the most to live
Want to die the most
Why is this so?
Why is it when i think
Often so deeply
That i cant explain
No matter how much
I want to do so
Its just all stuck
I think through things so much
But i can't explain my thoughts
They just stay stuck
Or come out stupid
Why cant i just talk?
Some people talk so much
And yet say so little
I have so much to say
Yet i talk so little
Life my dear friends
Is such a parodox

I can't take this pain
I can't live this way
Covered in all my shame
Everyone will go away

I don't want to live
I have no desire to keep going
I have nothing left to give
My scars are all showing

So please please just let me go
Don't make me be around you
Don't breathe out your lies
Don't make me believe you care
Let me go away
In the best way I know how
Don't look for me anymore
Because this leap is the last thing I have in store

Now don't cry for me
I know you don't really care
If you did then you would see
That I always wanted to share

All my pain with you
But I kept it inside
Because you don't care
And that's the truth

So please please just let me go
Don't make me be around you
Don't breathe out your lies
Don't make me believe you care
Let me go away
In the best way I know how
Don't look for me anymore
Because this leap is the last thing I have in store

Standing on this ledge
The depths below
I close my eyes and lean out
I take a deep breathe and scream out
Opening my eyes I see the world
In a whole new light
I see the sun as it goes down
And I realize I don't want to go with it
There is more life than this current pain and more to life than the storm and rain
So I breathe in deep and get off the ledge
I walk home and I hug the ones I love
And for the first time I realize
I am enough.  

So please please don't let me go
Don't let me be alone
Tell me these thoughts are lies
Show me that you really do care
Don't let me go away
Hold onto me
And don't let me leap
Stand by me when I'm about to plunge into the deep

These thoughts
And endless memories
These demons
That scream out my name
These monsters
That always bring me pain
I have no heart
I lost it long ago
On an endless journey
Down the inescapable road
I saw many wonders
And wanderers too
I saw many creatures
All through this journey
Some seemed pleasant
But were wreaked with pain
Others who were dark
But the most glorious light hiding beneath
I've seen many monsters
Both big and small
And I have almost seen them all
Granted there a few who remain unknown
But these to only a few are shown
But that's another story altogether
Mine is just beginning so sit back and listen
This is my journey
Are u watching closer?
No of course not
Its an unimportant story and event
Its a meaningless matter
Just caught up in my brain
Right along next to the novacane
What a wonderful thing
Numbness is
What a wonderful desire
Lack of feeling brings
Its such a wonderful feeling
To feel nothing at all
If only your brain was just too small
You wouldn't understand what I'm trying to say
You wouldn't understand
Because of this exact way
Im saying all my words just right
So that only a few will be taken in the fright
But don't truly fear
Oh no my dear
For it is all over soon
Look I'll make you smile again
Have a balloon
There there now
That's much better
I told you dear
Tears only make you wetter
So do not cry
Don't let it out
Never seek a solitary corner whilst to pout
Put on the strong face
Make sure you don't brake
Crying is for the weak
Don't forget to be meek
But don't let it out
Don't let it show
Hiding is the name of this game
Oh deary, don't you want to play?
Its so much fun
Come come!
I'll teach you the right words to say
Oh **!
You got it right
Its not the words you say
For there are none
You will never see the sun
It's my face you shall see
For together we are we
It is you and I
And now dear one time to die
Yes yes
Let's see those Ruby's run
Let's watch the red come forth to the sun
Oh my! This is such pleasure
This is such a desire
Don't you truly mind these words
Or this nonesense verse
Merely a lunatics craving
And a dead sailors raving
Do tell me if you understand my misbehaving.

The first doll is really big
She looks very strong
And even intimidating
She seems so tough and powerful
Beneath this doll theres a sweet little girl
Who loves to show her affection for others
She loves pretty and sweet things
Shes a good christian girl
Always does whats right
And beneath that doll is a screaming lunatic
And insane person who cant be controlled
A mad person with a thurst for blood and vengeance
One who is obviously weighed down by the past
And beneath them all
The tiniest of dolls
Is a sad little girl
Not more than five years old
Shes crying, she never stops crying
Because the only doll in front of her that she can see
Is the screaming lunatic
And the only emotion this little girl knows is fear.

I’m smoking so I feel better
I’m smoking so I can exist
But it doesn’t make me feel like it used too
It doesn’t make me feel alive
It makes me feel ok
I wish I was alive
I want that spark in my eye
But my eyes only get red
Is that what they mean
When they see I see red
I don’t think I see color anymore
It’s all just grey
It’s been grey for a long time
But when I smoked I could see again
Not anymore
Now it’s just red and grey
Every day
The same colors
There is no blue sky
The grass isn’t greener on the other side
Because the grass isn’t green at all
I just see grey

Sometimes im silent
Not because i dont have anything to say
But simply because
Its hard to talk over the voices in my head

Sometimes life can be a lot like a taco
It's all falling apart, but it still tastes good.

It’s that time of year
Or so they all say
But I’m holding back a tear
I can’t go a single day

Without this weight over me
It’s all darkness and pain
The lights are bright I see
But it’s all dull in this pouring rain

In my head are monsters and demons
In my thoughts is the pain of past mistakes
All these bright lights will start to break

The beauty that you all see now
Isn’t going to last
These lights and laughter
It will soon be past

And then again
Will reign in the world
All the darkness and sin.

I wear black all the time
I just dyed my natural blonde
To a black so dark
It almost looks deep blue
I love the color black
Its has such beauty
That most people don't seem to see
They see black and think goth
Or they think emo
Or even just think it looks stupid
But I look at black
And see the way the light glances off of it
I see how extra shiny black surfaces look
I love how my black hair darkness my whole face
I love the tough look black things give you
I love the sophistication
Of an all black outfit
I see depth to the color black
And that's why I like it
Because there is more to it
Than what you see at first glance
Just like many people
You glance at who they are
And how they act
And you assume you see it all
But the villains story
Is often just a victims story
Left untold for far too long.

A hand extends
Covered in blood
The hand of a killer
One who has cut
Many people up
And murdered the innocent
And taken lives
Who is so insane
The person who this hand belongs too
Laughs at the very sight
Of the silver dancing with Ruby's
Who laughs as the silver seems to scream out for its companion
Who longs to do the dance
And at first glance
You may not understand
But soon enough young child
You will see the terrors in the night this hand brings
You will scream with fright
You will attempt to hide
But there is no hiding
There is no escaping
There is no way out
Because my truest love
Surely you must see it
Surely you must understand
Everything iv warned you about
Everything iv said
About this hand
And who it's attached
Im just trying to help
Attempting to warn you
You need to stay away
This is not game to play
Flee away you must
Please don't cry
When I tell you who
This awful hand surely belongs too
Its not really shocking
You cant possibly be surprised
But truly I tell you
That this hand is mine
And there are Ruby's my heart longs for
And silver my hand longs to play with
So forgive me
And I hope this dosnt hurt
But you see its just so much fun.

My darkness comes again
Im weighed down
By all this sin

I look at these lies
And i scream inwardly
Outwardly i just sigh

I get so stuck
Its like i cant see
Anything besides the muck

But i will follow the truth
I know there is more
This darkness is not new

I can move oast these lies
I wont give in
The truth will not be disguised

I am not alone
There is so much more
I can be at peace at home

I am loved
There is truth here
I can be enough

Im not a failure
There is more to me
Than this current allure

I will fight these lies
I wont give up
God hears my cries

And he sees me
Even when im weak
He shows me how who im to be

And he gives me strength
To just keep living
When all i want is to give up.

It makes me feel so alive
As i watch it bleed
It makes me feel so alive
Its such a sudden need

The pain is like a rush
If you saw me
You would definitely blush
Because this is not who im supposed to be

But im afraid
Its who i am
The price must be paid
So that i can stand

Stand myself
Without this knife
I would crumble
And i would end my life

So i continue to cut my skin
I dont care if its a sin
Its what must be done
If im to continue to see the sun

Everyone needs something
To cope with pain
This is what i need
For there to be any gain

I love the blood
I love feeling it flood
Down my leg
Im not going to beg

For help
So inwardly i yelp
In pain
And i watch the rain
Of red
That will scare me skin
And i want it to end
But i cant stop
Its out of my control
I have no soul
Im just a robot
Who must bleed
I have to feed
On this bright red sin
So i cut again and again

But there has to be more
Christ has settled my score
I wont give up
I wont stay stuck
I will keep moving
I will let go of this knife
I wont let it rule my life

The dazzling lights
The music of the waltz
The shy boy who didn't want to dance
The shy girl who did
The outgoing girl who spoke to the shy boy
And all but forced him to ask
But the shy girl was dancing with the red head
And they were laughing
But eventually the song ended
And the shy boy came up
He all but growled out the invitation to the dance floor
The shy girl just laughed
And so together they learned the waltz

There is a weight in my chest
Something that will never rest
My whole body feels nothing but heavy
I’m incredibly unsteady
I can not stand up on my own
I have no one else
I’m all alone....

My heart is torn in two
From all the painful memories
I got from loving you

Im consumed by these thoughts
I hate these feelings
That i just cant cross
Out of my mind and dreamings

They consume me
I dont want too
But here i am i can see
How all i can think of is you

Its all you fault
For making me like you
For consuming me every thought
And it ***** cuz ik you cant like me too

So im just stuck here
With these emotions
And i dont want to care
So these thoughts i try to shun

But i cant stop myself
I really have tried
Its not like iv cried
Over you
Its just sad
That you will never like me too

I want write
To express how i feel
But i cant do it right
So on my knees i kneel

When i have no words
When i can't speak
When i can't move forwards
When im too weak

I call out to you
I cry out your name
And often i just cry too
And you wash away my shame

You give me your love
You give me your grace
It dosnt matter wether im enough
You wipe the tears from my face

I open my eyes
I can finally see
How i have believed such lies
And you show me who i am to be

I can see your hands and feet
I can see you working
In the people i meet
I can see how you are the king

Its ok i swear im fine
Im just slowly losing my mind
I don't know what you see
But honestly thats not me

Im not what i appear
Im holding back a tear
Inside im different
There is a certain bent

A bent towards evil
Its like i have no will
So i wear this mask
Cuz i must complete this task

Of an outward appearance
There isnt a chance
That you will look past
Past this mask

And really see what i could be
Not just who is currently me
 
But what if it is i
And not you who stand by
What if its me
What if i showed you what could be

What i let you in
Would it be such a sin
Could i trust you that way
Its possible that you may
Really listen
And i could let you in
But truly im afraid
To ever ask for aid
So i sit alone
Id rather be at home
Than out with you
But maybe your like me too
And maybe if i started first
It would create a thirst
Inside of you
And maybe you would let me in too

Money was speny
Time wasted
Early to work i went
No breakfast tasted

And yet my reward?
Sitting here useless
Im not moving toward
Anything but a big mess

"Everyone will hate you eventually"
They said,
"For some it just takes times."

I look out the window
I see the sky
I watch these birds fly by
They glide with the wind
Rise up against the swells
Where they go no one tells
It is all a mystery
The way the birds fly
The reasons people always die
The reason I'm always alone
Remains completely unknown
Atleast to me
It may be easy for others to see
But I know not
This is my plot
And im alright with it
So long as I get to watch
For watching brings no pain
It is only in the actual act of soaring
That one can ever fall
So whats the point of trying at all?