There's so much I want to say, but all the words stay jumbled up in my chest.
There's so much that I'm feeling that I don't want to feel.
I used to want to cut out this heart out of my chest,
But after awhile I realized that this heart of mine
Should not be hated – but thanked for.
I used to want to be numb—
Feel nothing at all.
But having the ability to feel
Is what makes me me.
If I didn't have a heart,
But just an empty cavity,
Then I wouldn't be able to care about
You
Or
You
Or
You.
& the truth is that
I care about you and you and you a lot.

No matter how hard the the wind might be blowing right now, i still can't be brought to where you are.

what if who they expect, isn't me?
2. or better yet what if i try to be what they expect,
3. and lose track of who i am?
4. would you still love me if i wasn't me?
5. or better yet
6. would you love me even more?
7. if you answer yes to either of them,
8. forgive me for leaving,
9. but how can i stay
10. when the person you love isn't me anymore.

there's a voice inside my head
that's screaming
raging for its death.
it's thrashing against the walls
clawing at the linings of the cage.

get it out

get it out

please get it out.

for i fear
it's going to be the death of me.
spreading from my head
to my body
like a poison
but one i can't seem to resist.

you asked me where i wanted to go,
but all i said was i don't know.
you handed me a map,
but i laid it on my lap.
i rested my head on the window
and watched the passing show of
tree
after
tree
after
tree.
i took solace in the one thing
i knew i had-
myself.
it might not have been enough
but it was the most that i had.
so i held it tight in my chest
and braced myself for the road
set before us.

I know it's just a number,
Something made up of ones, twos, and threes.
It isn't a label,
But I feel as if I've lost the stamp of approval.
I'm way up here
But I want to be way down
there.
After all
The less one is
The more he is viewed.
& sometimes it doesn't hurt to be seen.

I want to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.
No- not like a balloon
Filled with hot hot air,
Brimming against latex
Pushing and pushing until there is no space.
No, see the the problem with balloons is that they're always on edge.
There's always a fear of gathering too much-
A load too heavy to be contained by simple material.

I want to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.
No- not like a rubber band
On the wrist of a little girl,
Simple and strong,
Worn from the echoes of daily snapping.
No, see the problem with rubber bands is that they are stretched thin,
Pulled to make space for a larger load.
There is a constant tug for security,
But one tug is all it takes to break.

I want to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.
Like heat changing ice into water.
Let there be a catalyst to invoke my transformation.
I want to be fluid-
Able to adapt to different patterns, different directions, different holds.
Let me seep into the cracks, the thin lines, the rigid turns.
Give me the chance to take on different roles
And explore different facets of who I can be.

I'm ready to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.

I don't need you
     (So why does this sweater still smell like you?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I walk the long way home?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I stall whenever I'm at the bottom of the hill?).
I don't need you
     (So why is your favorite song in my search?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I keep staying up late?).
I don't need you
     (So why is my phone on loud?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I keep looking at the door?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I have to keep reassuring myself?).
I don't **need you.

There never seems
To be enough
Seconds in a minute
Or
Minutes in an hour
Or
Hours in a day
When it comes to this journey called "life."
There always seems to be
Somewhere to go
Or
Someone to see.
If it's not here, then it's there.
If it's not her, then it's them.
I frantically rush from one hour
To the next
CrammingCrushing
Everylittlething
Until there is nothing left but
Me and a hundred of thoughts,
A myriad of worries,
And a pyramid of plans.

But it's then that I take a breathe.
I take a breath
& remember You-
The Great Beginning
And the End.
For even but a moment
It is just the Father and I-
A father and his daughter.
I rest at the feet of Jesus
Like Mary once did.
There is no agenda
No rush
No need to be anywhere but here.
I am humbled by His presence for
He radiates
Love,
Holiness,
Self-lessness,
Patience-
All that I am not.

I tell Him of my day
And the fears that have taken root:
The fear of failing,
The fear of disappointment,
The fear of not being good enough.
"It's too much!"
I cry out.
"I can't do it!
There's too many things and not enough me."
But my Father,
He tells me to list.
He tells me of how He has a plan-
A plan of joy
Not worry;
A plan of peace,
Not distress;
A plan of victory,
Not defeat.
"Child, yes, you are small,
But I am big-
Bigger than your plans,
Bigger than your hopes,
Bigger than your fears.
So take comfort in Me
When life is not at rest.
Find solace during the story
While knowing that I calm the seas."

(& no, it was not like Martin Luther King, Jr.).
I had a dream that you had died
And I was still here.
I didn't even get to say goodbye.
So instead you said hello to a place I could never go.
You would think that I would have felt something-
Known that you had just let go.
Perhaps a tugging in my chest would have signaled
The pulling of strings-
The undoing of us.

But no,
I felt nothing
(just like you do now).

I didn't even have time to process or mourn properly
(if there is even such a thing)
Because the next frame was your funeral.
I sat in a pew in the back
And I couldn't remember if I was wearing the black dress you'd liked.
People were telling stories
Of who you were and what you did,
But I couldn't handle it.
I didn't want to hear about was and when and were.
I wanted to hear you.

I am not yours
Nor can I ever be.
I am bound to this world
This earth
This terrain
While you-  
You are walking across the universe
On steps that I will never graze upon.

I envy the faces you pass-
People who don't even know your name
Yet are privileged to be in your presence
While I am here, clinging to the mere indentation of you on my bed.

I don't understand the logic behind this.
I know you.
I have seen you wake up in the early morning,
A sketch of hazy eyes and soft edges.
I have seen you thrash in the middle of the night,
Delirious and fevered from the demons in your head.
I've held your calloused hands
And mapped out your scars
To the constellations of the dark dark sky.
I knew all of that
And yet
I still could not be yours.

You will be my greatest heartbreak.
You will be the reason why I hide from the rain
Why I sleep early on school nights
Why I avoid numbers.

I'll never look at stars the same
Since you'll be looking at the same ones just a block away.
This school
With its halls
     Lockers
          Desk
               And doors
Will never be my second home
Because my second home will always be you.
This hill-
This sweet welcoming hill-
Will just be a reminder of how far apart we really are.

But the worst part
The worst part
Will be reaching for another book,
A story that I had loved
A story that you had loved
A story that you will never read.
You will always be there
Etched
Woven
Embroidered
Between the lines of each turning page.
You are the boy next door,
The unexpected ally,
The hero to the story.
You are the twist and turn of events,
The cliff hanger,
The conflict,
The resolution.
You are the emotion held between the quotation marks,
The cliche phrases,
The words that break the reader's heart (just like mine).

You will be my greatest heartbreak
But also my favorite.
Because at least for a moment
You held my heart in palms of your hands.

The hour I knew loved you
Was not in late morning when you pulled a chair up for me.
It was not in mid afternoon when you brushed my hair out of my eyes.
It was not before sunset when you say goodbye and pulled away.
It was not at 3 am when you whispered “I love you” as I fell asleep.
No, it was not during any of these.

The hour I knew loved you
The sky was on fire.
The sky bled of the secrets you had so desperately crammed into your veins.
The sun tore through the clouds--
Blazes of orange, red, pink, purple, yellow streaked across the horizon.
Your desire was written in the unfathomable distance from where I stood.

The hour I knew loved you
The world was in a flood.
A torrent of rain pounded against my frail windows begging to be let in,
“Hear my story. Hear my story.”
They reverberated through the halls of my lonely house.
It was frightening and dangerous and yet the most beautiful sound my ears had ever heard.

The hour I knew loved you
The earth broke open.
A great divide tore between from where I stood and where you longed for me to be.
The dark abyss contained the great monsters of time,
Clawing out to drag another victim to his grave.
My bones shook and my body ached as I stretched myself across the gap.

The hour I knew loved you
My heart broke into two.
I broke my ribs to make room for your beating heart of loss and love.
I straightened my spine to carry your burdens;
I crushed what little I had of myself to give you a place to stay.
& what a great privilege it was to have you take refuge in this broken body of mine.