Always waiting —
I creep into my own dreams
Waiting for them to become reality
Living in another time
Grieving what was
Always waiting —
For my life to begin
For a time when my mind
And my body join in
Death’s mouth holds tight,
His secrets kept under his tongue.
And while he has no preferences
He has a schedule,
That he must abide.
In the pursuit of death,
We are halted by the occurrence of life,
Debted to hope
And tolled by the terrene
Fog seeps through every inch of me
Distorting my views of
Cleansing me of each thought of
These bleak misunderstandings of
Because it was really never actually about
#1 publication rejection
when you call me by my name
it’s a warm cup of coffee on a cold morning
the scent wafting room to room
the sleep in my eyes just falls away
and although I can’t see you
I can hear the smile on your lips
and I can feel the warmth in your chest
when you call me by my name
space is never ending
between you and me
stretching and bending
finding ways to grow
I just can't seem to get close
You act like the world owes you
A broken beaten girl that gives all she has
But you're no different
You're not special
You give no more and no less
Let your wounds bleed
You are owed absolutely nothing
maybe that wasn't really me
or the crisp autumn air that touched my cheeks
maybe that was just--
but what if it was me?
what a sweet feeling
to know that I was alive
even though I was dying
to know that I had lived
even though my last thought
my last breath
may be the ones currently occupying
in which I most certainly was--
and then when it did go black
when there truly was nothing left
and my body no longer recognized
what it saw
what it felt
what it hoped
what it dreamed
when there was truly nothing left--
ahh I see
how silly to think
that it wasn't me
brushed with the feeling of wet pavement
a glimpse of the churning grey sky
on the other side
and my thoughts became so small
that the color red became irrelevant
and my skin
such a porcelain white
touched by many hands
but none were mine--
how silly really
I was still alive
it's so different now
it's as if that love I had for you was a candle trying to stay lit in a storm
and it was finally blown out
but I haven't any matches to light it again
to be yours would be a Sunday morning
sipping on a favorite tea
watching as everything became veiled in stillness
to have your love would be a summer night
stolen stars and kiss soaked memories
surrounded by the inevitable sunrise
but to have both
oh, to have both
that could be nothing but a dream
if only a love like that existed
thrown into new understandings
given earth beneath my feet
taking what love I encounter
I grow from unbridled, invasive flowers
seeking uncontrollable laughter
escaping the soulless sorrow
I am wild, free
but still broken
once stoked by the wood
from my undying forest
seems to be dwindling
in the crushed eyes of forgotten tomorrows
and I once thought so clear
I was a ghost in the mirror
now my loley reflection stains
my vivid recollection
and I stare not through
but at whom I
never thought I would become
I promise I can be better
maybe on your body
mostly on your heart
I used to believe in the hope on my arm
I guess I still do, wishing for a new perspective of the word
I look down and see me
not someone people want me to be
now the cross on my wrist
sits so elegantly between my heart and my mind
these are the tattoos on my body
the ones you can touch and feel and find
I might explain the meaning
and you may trivially understand my words
but never my thoughts, the truth behind my heart
I wish you could see those tattoos
because although the ones on my body are beautiful
at least to me
the ones on my heart are beyond anything you have ever seen
most people never know the feeling
the feeling of finding yourself
seeing who you actually are written on your own skin
I don't see ink
I see me
the person everyone else refuses to see
It's not just ink.
I find myself free falling
pulled by gravity
watching the ground slowly sneak up on me
and if I knew a way to slow my fall
maybe it would be your arms
that caught my all
but you seem disinterested
distracted by the sky
I'm just another spec of dust
something that's in abundace to find
But then again, maybe I'm not.
I am a poet
and my words bleed my blood
they say what I feel
and breath through my lungs
I'm so far from home
I can't even find it on my map
I've been circling the same block for so long
each tree has grown to hide me even further
but I keep walking in that same circle
hoping it turns into a straight line
it's days likes these
where the rain soaks my bones
wilting the flowers I use to line my soul
and I seem too busy
to care for those roses
but if I'm not willing to tend my own garden
why do I think another poor soul will be up for the challenge?
cold coffee warming my hands
the ghost of you staining my heart
the thought of us drifting apart
the ghost of you haunts my in my dreams
my thoughts are strangling me
they've tied a noose
and are ready to kick the chair out from under me
my hands are bound behind my back
and the fight I thought I had
has completely drained from a lack
of comfort and hope of a solution from death
so I better not fight it
a fight not worth fighting
because if I fight and I win
who's left to keep me from dying?
fight worth fighting
that last breath you took,
was it for me?
or did you waste it begging for bravery?
my love, so small, it used to fuel me
grounded, am I,
in these worn out shoes
soulless and hole strewn
just like my heart too
is broken in like these old shoes
wanderlust on my tongue
and insanity on my lips
I cry in my sleep like an addict on a bad trip
but my mind is clear as I gaze out my window
whisper sad songs as I draw in the fog with my fingers
I am gone, so gone,
I wish I could stay here,
but these soulless and hole strewn shoes
have plans to get away, dear
I want to wander among the leaves
that have fallen so carefully around me
they haven't hindered who I am
but they have showed me a new path
and I want to find where it's twists and turns end
beneath the snow and throughout my bones
I'm lost on this new path to an uncertain home
and I'm left without a reality to ground me
only to rely on something so far outside of me
I feel so alone with this emptiness that surrounds me
only filling each hole when I'm threatened to drowning
goodbye my darkness, my close friend. you used to mean so much but now it's the end.
the moon is my only friend.
in darkness I pretend.
I will never be the perfect time piece.
always early, sometimes late.
I won't keep you detained
by my hands on your heart.
unless you want me to.
each second will seem longer than the last
and I can't promise that
it won't get tricky
being my wrist.
I'll be yours if you'll be mine.
I'm so unhappy
being this being
uncomforts and broken
of wanting to be a new
something without a way
it's this pain so deep
even I can't reach it
in a place where only I can feel it
and I smile and wave
while people say
"wow, she looks so happy"
but I fake so much
I almost think it's real
and then I'm reminded
with a tear stained window
that I've never been so unhappy
the problem is,
I never really wanted to be loved.
held and kissed,
but my heart has always been my own.
cherished by no one.
only crushed when hope was
left to roam.
all the pretty people
with pretty little faces
fake little hearts
and interrupting gazes
laughing away empty tears
loaded guns whisper in their ears
bottles of pills, personally filled
fake pretty people in millions of pretty pieces
drop me in the ocean,
let my arms wave.
let me drown
in the waters uncharted
balloons floating above me,
filled with my unconscious dreams.
I struggle and tug at the strings strangling me
it all hurts so much
my feet are on backwards
but I'm still moving forward.
in an uneven pattern
I leave the old behind.
but the new ahead
doesn't seem that grand.
it's losing it's appeal
all the time.
falling out of love with you
was like falling asleep.
first slowly and then all at once.
I'm glad we like the same things.
drink the same drinks.
sing the same sings.
laugh the same laughs
and eat the same eats.
I'm glad we learned to love the same things.
we are nothing but lights
dancing through an illuminated night.
tangled feet beneath our legs
we spin and crash in different ways.
our laughs echo through invisible walls
chasing us down abandoned halls.
youth behind us and death in our eyes
I always imagined a different way to die.
empty hands with nothing to hold.
waves crashing against my broken bones.
I gave it a shot,
trying to swim to you.
but you let me drown
in the thought of you.
it still hurts how much you hurt me
I love him, but he'll never know.
I'll never say I do.
floating above mountain tops
and swimming through seas.
my dreams become lonely in the morning when I leave.
lost between my pillow cases
are journeys forgotten and redeemed,
but the moon remembers to smile when I slip into bed
and my dreams forgive my absence
to find me once again.
like a night in October you swept me into you.
someone to comfort me and teach me what it is to lose.
because you left the moment I cradled your name between my lips
and I knew the reason you captured myself
was for your own certain bliss.
but just like October you came and you went
and I watched the leaves turn without your hands on my every inch.
these words are for you.
but for you.
but still for you.
but what's here stays for you.
these words are all I have left.
they're all I can give you.
because you're gone.
a face in the eaves.
you'll just have to listen very soft and very carefully.
I have nothing left
I've tried so hard to remember the love
that I've spent so long dreaming of.
wilted fireflies drawn from dust
and burned down memories
split from us.
we used to run with abandoned guile
deceiving each other with jilted smiles.
I whispered to your heart,
but it mustn't have heard.
and fallen angels.
with cogs and wheels.
from the truth,
I've never loved
one much like you.
ahh our love.
maybe it's me.
maybe there is just somethig about myself that I don't see.
maybe my intelligence isn't what I thought it to be.
because you seem to look right through me whenever I speak.
but maybe that's just me.
maybe it's the way I say my t's without actually pronunciating.
or it could be my abundant narcissistic tendencies.
because you never seem to actually see me.
but maybe it's just me.
what a beautiful thing to have loved
if even for just a short while.
I try to tell myself this.
nostalgia for the past
creeps into every part of me.
overflowing my heart and my mind
with waters I will chart only once.
like a map with millions of pin holes,
my life is covered with people and places I have loved.
seen through these eyes and felt through this heart
are things I will continually long for.
it just never seems to stop hurting
I don't know why I'm scared.
to die is the ultimate gift.
a welcome relief from
this world we call home,
when all it has really been
is a place I have never actually known.
it's hard to let go of something
you have held onto for so long.
watching it drift away,
caught in the wind.
tears stream from your face
and it feels like your chest has caved in.
but watching this thing die,
something you've known for your whole life,
means there will be a new beginning.
whether you're ready for it or not.
why does it hurt so badly?
how much longer until my future?
I know I'm living in it,
but when does it get better?
I thought that the present meant now,
but I think we're mistaken
because all I can picture is what is still waiting.
I live a life of unfulfilled dreams.
trips never travelled and sights never seen.
words never written and photos never taken.
a world full of wonder and I sit here unshaken.
one would think of glorious adventures ahead,
but I'm just trying to find a way out of bed.
I wake up to cold coffee
and a sigh on my shoulders.
I sip the disappointment
and let it drip from my lifeless composure.
so much distain within my smile,
it's hard to believe I'm still standing.
I would have thought the weight
to completely destroy me.
but it's easy to dismiss all things without meaning,
unless you choose to give them a reason for staying.
my soul is withered
without a home.
my body has become tired,
restless without bones.
I no longer live
because there is no reason
waking up each morning
in a drunken dream.
I wish I knew how to live.
"how is it that we have become so distant?" he asked.
"well, my love, you seem to have found a different disposition that no longer requires my assistance."
it's a sad thing, isn't it.