Five:
Kindergarten
A time we are asked to draw our future lives
Our future families
But while kids are drawing houses with their future spouses
I draw myself alone in a house
All Alone
And I didn’t know why


Six:
My teacher tells the class to describe their future families
To describe the children, spouse, and/or pets we want to have
But I say I don’t want a husband or children of my own
I just want a pet that understands me
I get stares
But I don’t think I’m different
This is when the bullying got worse
When the mold of my face was plastered into the playground mulch
When I grew distant from others.


Seven:
Second Grade
A time where the wedding bells are ringing
Where kids are getting “married” left and right
But when a boys asks me to marry him
I say no
It’s not that I didn’t like him
I just didn’t know why


Eight:
Third Grade
A time where we make friends
A time to explore who we are
Kids were “asking each other out” and holding hands at recess
But I didn’t want that
When a boy came up to me and tried holding my hand
I let it go
Becoming increasingly uncomfortable
And I just didn’t know why


Nine:
Fourth Grade
One of my worst times
Getting bullied so much that the dial couldn’t be turned up any higher
The frequency already alarmingly loud to me
Yet no one did anything
I stood alone
But I was comfortable and I didn’t know why


Ten:
Fifth Grade
The bullying continued
Small rumors got around that I liked girls
They didn’t go very far
Seeing that I pushed away everyone that ever tried to approach me
I wasn’t lonely
I was content no one wanted to hold my hand
Or ask me out
And I didn’t know why


Eleven:
Sixth Grade
We are given “The Talk” this year
We must watch the movie without laughing or fidgeting
Or we have to watch it again
I watch the movie and become increasingly uncomfortable
Feeling the ***** rise
I no longer feel okay
And I wonder
This is what people do
So why don’t I want to


Twelve:
Seventh Grade
I’m starting to understand
Believe in myself
That I’m different
I realize now that I don’t really like boys
Maybe I’m lesbian?
Does it matter?
Whatever it is,
I keep my mouth shut
Afraid of any torture that may follow
Maybe the rumors in fifth grade were true


Thirteen:
Eighth Grade
Relationships rise in intensity
Boys and girls kissing
I still believe I like girls
But not normally?
I seem to have closer bonds with them
But ****** ideas and thoughts never enter my mind
This broken down *****
Questioning its every move


Fourteen:
Ninth Grade
Freshman Year
Where Hell begins
Where I am finally understanding myself, my preferences
Digging deeper into my heart
Clinging to this broken up, already defeated *****
That just beats in my empty chest to make me go through more pain
I do my research.
Lesbian?
No, I don’t like ****** actions that much
Asexual?
The description seems to fit me well
Finally being the mold I needed
The mold to help put my pieces back together.
But who can I tell?
No one
Because no one will understand.


Fifteen:
Tenth Grade
Sophmore year where bullying is an everyday struggle
I do more research
Demiromanticism calls my name
Where I feel romantic feelings for someone I grow close bonds to
And if I only grow bonds with girls
Then…
How will my parents understand?
My friends?
The beings that I cling onto everyday just to keep breathing.
They’ll never understand what kind of a freak I am


Sixteen:
Eleventh Grade
Junior year
I come out to Callan, one of my best friends
And things didn’t go as expected
They accepted me
With open arms that I thought for sure would be closed
It was the first time I felt free
I came out to more of my friends
And then came my family
I expected them to not understand
But they were willing to listen
Enough to accept me
Well I mean … “accept” me
I could tell they didn’t fully believe me
Both plaguing me as a lesbian.
Someone I’m not
But I dropped it
And let them have their vision of me
This personality whom I’m not and never was.
I now fully understand who I am, but they
They seem to think they know me better than I do

Why do I feel like I'm holding you back
You deserve someone better
Someone who will make you happier
And cause you less stress

I make your life hell
Your friends left you
Your family hates your decisions
Because of me

I don't want to leave you
It's the last thing I want
But I don't want to be
The thing that destroys you

The war is raging
Between my mind and my heart
And I don't know who will win
Who will defeat the other

But I hate seeing you upset
And I know you don't want to tell me
But I need you to understand
That this break is killing me

I'm already run down
You are the fuel
That I use every morning
Every day

When I'm bored
I know I can message you to laugh
When I'm upset
I know my biggest supporter is right behind me

You asked for a break
And I am willing to give it to you
I want you to be happy
I want you to figure everything out

But it's never what I wanted
I feel like breaks are the beginning to the end
And I don't want this to end
Not yet

So what can we do?
We set a 3 day period of no talking
No messaging
Nothing

And that's how I feel
Empty
Alone
I feel as if I've lost the best part of me

I don't know how to feel
I want to be happy
I want to cry
I look in the mirror and see red puffy skin from the tears that have poured out my eyes

I don't know how long I'll last
But I'm doing this for you
I hope you're happy though
Because that's all I've ever wanted

Why am I here?
Why do I have to endure all this crap
About ruining your life when really
It's just the other way around

We are told when we are young to be ourselves
But apparently my community never got the memo
They drag me down with every stereotype
Drowning out my voice until I stay silent

I don't really speak much about it anymore
I stay hidden
Keep my mouth shut
And I roll with the punches that cause scars on my skin

Because these scars will never heal
I carry every single negative comment
Every single joke
Every single punch line
With me
And I've started to crack

It's not long before I break
I've shattered before
But my friends have been the ones
To temporarily glue my pieces back together

Why can't people understand
That it's not a choice
You are born the way you are
And I can't and don't want to change

My friends support me
And my parents say they support me
But my mom won't even let me get pride shirts
Constricting my ability to show my pride in school.

I am proud!
I've overcome multiple obstacles
And I may be close to shattering
Where my pieces will fall one by one

I already have pieces that have fell
And shattered on impact with the ground
They will forever be missing
I will always have parts of me missing

So as I disintegrate into space
I ask that you all abuse me
Rather than the next girl
Because it's better to shatter something
That's almost broken anyway

You're a waste of space.
What's wrong with you?
Why can't you perform better on quizzes?
Why doesn't anyone want to be your friend?
You're too weird to have friends.
You don't deserve friends.
Stop looking at your phone.
Communicate with me for once.
You need help.
But I'm not going to be the stepping stone to get you to a professional.
You're useless.
Didn't anyone tell you your fake.
****.
******.
No one likes you four eyes.
I'm sorry I didn't mean it.
Why can't you think clearly.
Stop crying.
No one cares about your tears.
Be stronger.
Your creating a scene.
Control yourself.
I care about you.
Look prettier next time.
What's up with your style?
Stop trying to be unique. It's a bad look on you.
Be more talented.
Try harder.
It's only because I care.
You're not trying hard enough.
It's only because I care.
Fight back.
Not with words, with fists.
Stop being the nice push-over.
It's only because I care.

But now ...
I've stopped caring

TRIGGER WARNING!!!

Just because I'm suicidal
Doesn't mean I want to die
I can't imagine myself
Giving the final blow

But **** do I want to be gone
Nothing seems worth it
Nothing was ever worth it
But I don't want to die

Dysphoria is melting my brain
While my eating disorder tells me I'm ugly
My anxiety telling me that picking up a hot pan
Is "just an accident"

I want to let go of all my pain
Of all my disorders
But to do that
I'd have to be dead

All my mental disorders talk to one another
Causing the perfect mixture
The perfect suffering
That makes me think I'm better off dead

I haven't had a crush
In a long time
Thinking I wasn't worth
Anyone else's eyes

I've been tainted over the years
Other people's mistake
I doubt anyone would want
Someone else's seconds

I tried to keep you away
Because I like being friends
Love being friends
And I don't want that taken away

I have this crush
On you of all people
And even though I may hate it
I think I've just fallen a little more for you

A dark soul
Broken inside
Trying to find its way

Hello again.
It's been awhile.
The last time I saw you
Was back in high school.
How are you?
What are you up to?
Well I can honestly say
I don't miss you.
Sorry for the blunt honesty
But you kind of made my life a living hell
Crushing my dreams before I even knew what they were
Everyday you tore off another layer of skin
Everyday I came closer to bleeding
My emotions were your toy
And you played with me like a toddler
I never asked for you to tag along
And when I asked you to leave
You clung tighter
Your nails digging further into my shoulder
Causing permanent scars
No matter how many times I asked politely
No matter how many times I screamed in agony
You always followed
You consistently throw me under the bus
But I still find myself defending you
Defending you
That's all I've ever done
And now
I'm all alone
With no one to play with
No one to tag along with
No one to laugh with
No one to talk with
No one

People call me
Positive
A smile on my face
With just enough grace
To pull off a lie

You see
I’ve never been
Happy
For more than a couple weeks
Since my debut at preschool
I was never meant to live
Free

First came physical abuse
But not the kind you get from someone
Older
Rather someone your age
Some who’s only four
Someone who has no idea
No idea
That they’re the trigger to the bomb

But too late
For it’s already set off
The alarms blaring in my ears
But to everyone else they’re
Nothing
Silence
The laughter of children
Because I was never important enough to be seen

I was pulled off playground equipment by my hair
Slapped for wanting to use the same toy as the other kid
The mulch was my best friend
For it was the only thing cushioning the blow
Showing any kind of mercy
To the little girl who just smiled it off

Smiling
That’s all I ever did
I never wanted to cause a problem
I never wanted to become a burden
I never wanted to be
Alone
But it was too late for that

By elementary school, I was the target
Even with a new playground
The mulch remained my only friend
Friends
I wish I had some of those back then

Second came the emotional abuse
Tearing me down by
Taking my things
Ripping my projects
Taking my books out of my hands
And accidentally spilling your school milk all over it
And they say people never cry over spilled milk

Talking behind my back was nothing new
Even for the teachers
My supposed guardians
They could be the worst of them all
Not even sparing me a glance to see the pain
The agony
Behind my eyes, my smile
For I still wore my smile

People can be cruel
My entire grade against me
Convincing the nurse that I was unhygienic
Convincing the principle I was a “bad kid”
Convincing myself that I wasn’t
Worth it

It
Is that life?
My dreams?
My hobbies?
My smile?

They were all after my smile
After every physical attack
They tried to wipe the grin off my face
But I stood strong
My biggest mistake

Third came the mental abuse
When I started to realize
That something was going terribly
Wrong

My mind saw people as a threat
A weapon
Their words, bullets
Shot left and right
One after the other

I researched
I tried to find out
Why I kept smiling
Why I kept thinking
That it would get better

The letters hit me like a freight train
P-T-S-D
I know it was associated from people in war
Those in other countries fighting for our people

My war was more invisible
On home turf
With nowhere for me to run
I was stuck
Grounded
Lost

My war was hell
My war is hell
My mental illness is no joke
Anxiety and panic attacks following close
Afraid to let go
Afraid that I would leave them behind

My PTSD is no joke
The night terrors keeping me up
I’m afraid to fall asleep
Going to school with bags under my eyes is a prettier site
Than me screaming in the night

I couldn’t make friends my freshman year of college
I couldn’t look anyone in the eye
When people asked if I wanted to sit with them for a meal
I smiled
Said no thanks
And braced for a punch

For my body was always braced
My body was always ready for abuse
My brain was numb
Numb to people
Numb to their actions
Numb to my internal screams
Numb

It’s funny
How a couple people during recess in preschool
Turned me into this

A girl
With PTSD
Anxiety
Panic Attacks
A phobia of meeting people
Because that’s coupled with abuse
And that doesn’t always mean getting punched

It all started with a couple people
And it ended with a life-long mental disorder

Their hateful words define me every time someone new talks to me
Their terrifying glances define me when I catch a stranger’s gaze
Their punches define me
Their attacks define me
The backstabbing
The laughter
The whispers
It all defines me

So why smile?

Because
That person that helped pick up my books in the hallway defines me
That person that picked my face up from the mulch defines me
That person that told them all to “cut it out” defines me
That person that smiled at me defines me
That person that said “hi” to me defines me

While the bad took its toll
The good took its place
As the staircase
As the sunshine
As the only hope I had left to hang on to
For these positive actions
Overshadowed the bad ones
Even if they happened less often

It taught me that my smile
Could mean someone’s entire world
Could mean life and death
Could save *me

I don't know what to do
I feel like I'm constantly
Spinning
Around in my head

I don't know where to go
I'm a burden to friends
Always asking me why
I'm so down

I don't know what to say
Always hiding my feelings
Never using a megaphone
For my voice to be heard

I don't know
Why I'm upset
Why I'm afraid
Why I'm living

I don't know
Who I am
So to cope
I'll just disappear

We’re all different
A fact that some will take with stride
And others will take out their black & white boxes
Trying to cram you into margins that you’ll never fit into

Labels
Just another way to categorize us as objects
Smashing our individuality with a hammer
Until we are all identical, with no more identity

Freedom
Something we are considered lucky to have
Where other countries struggle day by day
Fighting to stay themselves

Yet in our free country
I still find myself fighting for liberation,
Scratching at the cement surface
For endless years

Walking around, trying to be uniform
It’s meant to make us comfortable, but makes me die inside
We all walk in straight, marching band lines like militia members
And walk on forever without a second thought

Individuality
A gift given to us all that we must cherish, hold onto
Accept everyone around you for their good and bad habits
Accept people for who they are, whether you like them or not

One day, I will break free
Run in the opposite direction
With my arms spread out wide
Feeling like Rosa Parks when she claimed her seat

One day I will not be scared of my freedom
One day I will not be scared of trying to explain to people who I am

I will never be scared of friends
I will never be scared of strangers
I will never be scared of family
Boys, girls, adults, parents, siblings

One day I won’t be scared of myself anymore
Scared of making the wrong decisions
And letting everyone around me down
The weights of expectations always make me hide in the shadows
To where I feel I’ll never be good enough

But today, I smile at all my obstacles
With my mind set on “Dare To Be Dangerous”
Because exploring everything around me
Has been a roller coaster of joviality that I’ve always needed

I’ve made new friends this year
Gotten very close to others
But I learned an important lesson

I love who I am
And I will come to accept the future me
But for now I’m different
And that’s all I ever wanted to be

Do I dare?

Do I dare shatter how you portray me?
Crack the mirror
Breaking how you know me to pieces,
Breaking how you think you know me to pieces.

Do I dare drown you in my pain?
The pain of past losses
The pain of past friends
Successfully attempting their suicidal deaths

Do I dare tell you the truth?
The truth about who I am
The fact that I pretend
Put on a counterfeit smile and pretend everything’s okay.

Do I dare say who I truly am?
That I’m asexual
With continuous social anxiety
Never really sure what to do around people.

Do I dare show my social anxiety?
Pretend everything’s okay when I’m scared inside
Show you how fragile I am
Show you how shattered I already am.

Do I dare break this facadé I created?
Fracturing everything I’ve worked so hard to create
Just to show my true emotions, how I really feel
And to be laughed at by my peers

Do I dare take a chance?
To put myself out there
To care about someone
Just to have them push me aside into my growing darkness

Do I dare care for anyone?
Because the last time this happened I couldn’t save them
They died on my watch
And I had to stand by, left here with the aftermath wondering what I could’ve done

Do I dare share my feelings, emotions?
Attach myself to another
When I feel that everyone I care about
Just leaves me in the end, one way or another

Do I dare care about life anymore?
It’s already wasted on me, a corpse of a being
Already half eaten, wasting away
To the point where I feel that keeping it short is best

Do I dare tell my friends?
How I truly feel
How I hate myself for my past
Not being able to help anyone

Do I dare be happy?
“Frolick in the flowers” is what they’ve told me
“Just release your sadness”
Yet you don’t know me nor have you ever spoken to me before now

Do I dare yell back at you?
Tell you how you’re wrong
How I’ll never change
How I am who I am.

Do I dare love who I am?
Yes.
With all my insecurities and faults
I will always make mistakes
But it’s how I overcome them.

Do I dare stand up for myself? For others?
I will always try my best
Even though some people need space or push me down
I feel that I need to find courage in my broken, bandaged heart

Do I dare speak my mind? Show my true colors?
I’m not sure, nor will I ever be sure
Yet I know that my true friends,
The ones that helped bandage my heart
The ones that helped repair my shattered self
Will always let me be who I am

Thanks to all who have let me be me
But the question still stands
Do I Dare?

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!
Please be cautious when reading. If you feel you'll be triggered in any way, please don't read. Thank you.


I'm done.

Done with trying too hard
Done with sleepless nights
Done with disappointment
Done with being a disappointment

Done with hearing their voices in my head
Done with seeing visions of my abuse
Done with being around people
That just don't care

I know they care
But my brain tells me they can't be trusted
They're like everyone else
I avoid "everyone else"

I'm done with my anxiety
Done with my sexuality
Done with my gender
Done with my PTSD

Done trying to pretend I'm happy
When all I've wanted to do is cry
But crying would make others uncomfortable
And doing that in the past led to peer abuse

I'm done with my brain going on tangents
Done with having a constant smile on my face
Even though it's fake
And everyone knows it is

Done with heaving after a panic attack
Done with my abusive visions becoming reality
Done with feeling nothing
Done with being anything

Done with breathing
Done with living
Because at this point
What is there to live for?

When I'm too emotional
And struggling to calm down
I take a deep breath
And slowly look around

The need to stay calm
Has been ingrained in my brain
To stay away from emotion
And remain in my solid lane

I imagine a flower
Blooming bright
To remind me of what
I need to keep in sight

I feel trapped
Like I can't reach
The peak of who I am
Of who I'm meant to be

Everything becomes an obstacle
My hair
My voice
How I dress

They stop me
Stop me from being perceived
As the gender I feel
The gender I am

If gender dysphoria was a weapon
I would've been shot down long ago
With my brothers, sisters, and siblings
Who died from the never-ending torture

All I want is my name
All I want is for others to use my pronouns
But that's too far away
So I'm waiting for the torture to finally

End me

What if everything we know
Everything we ever learned
Was just a cover up
To protect us from the real world?

Would we want to learn the truth
Or hide inside our walls
Our limits
Because that’s all we’ve ever known

Would you enter the unknown
An abyss waiting to be discovered
Or would you try to stay confined
Inside the black and white guidelines set for you

As children, we are imaginative
We make our own games
Our own rules
Which are taken away as we are told to grow up

But “growing up” is not that simple
You are set to discover who you are
With no help
No guidelines

We are given choices
And most of us choose to stay who we’ve always been
While some of us venture
To discover who we can become
OUR limits

I chose to take the path of no return
I’ve been through hell and back
And I learn something new everyday
To the point where I feel my limit is endless

Until I realize that
This world is cruel
And when you seem to stand alone
You’re faced with the horrible reality

That people like you
Are killed off
For expressing themselves
Being different
Choosing their paths
Creeping away from the normal routes
That are chosen through blind eyes

We are an extinct species.
For the ones who chose to be unique,
Are exterminated
And forever gone

I was born to be forgotten
Swept under the rug
I wasn't meant to be anything exceptional
Just average

As I grew older
The teachers saw potential
The ability to pick up things quickly
And never yell, scream, or back-talk

I am shy
I never talk unless talked to
Which leads people to think
I don't exist

People push past me in a hallway
No acknowledging my existence
And I wonder
Do I exist?

Some people don't realize I'm in their grade
I slip by undetected
Without a glance
Without a word

I was born to be misplaced
And when you are born a certain way
It seems that fate doesn't let you change
So I will forever be
Forgotten

I write my friends letters
Personalized to our shared experiences
I get them roses, pounds of candy
And tell them how beautiful they are

Some call me "the sweetest"
Or "the nicest they've ever known"
But I never believe it
I can't

These actions are normal to me
I give my friends and strangers gifts
To make their days brighter
Their smiles wider

Some yell when I deny their compliments
They don't understand
But how can they
When I don't myself

After I've been hated
Beaten
Abused for so long
How can I expect to be loved

The mental scars remain
From what my classmates did
What they still do
To bring down my spirits

So when given a compliment
I may smile
Say thank you
Or make an awkward gesture

But the thought that you took time
To say anything
Keeps my candle burning, continuing my life
To give more gifts to others

So to those who say thank you
Just two small words
Just know that the phrase itself
Makes me want to live more than anything

Hello.
So it seems I have more victims
Who must hear my wailing cries.
Most people call me a murderer, the king of genocide
Yet I just see myself as a normal guy
Charismatic, charming
I make new friends every day
And yet they all never seem to learn that I am explosive
A bomb just waiting to be set off
I am destructive.

Most people know me by the time they're little kids
They know me by my worldwide popularity
Yet they believe they are immune to my insanity, my appearance
I come off as a joker
One who can't be taken seriously
Until I decapitate the ones you love
I am a monster

I take your children's lives from right underneath you
Yet I am not technically a murderer
When they cause the final blow
I cause millions of suicides a year
Because people think they are strong enough to do what I do
Follow in my footsteps
Deal with what I constantly live with
The irritable monotone life I live can drive even me crazy
Yet I am stronger, seeing that I've dealt with myself for eternity

But I seem to be dying
Very, very slowly
There are new ways to get away from me

Even when I'm publicized in the media
I am portrayed as evil, manipulative
But I am just being my own individual
So how can that be wrong?

After being the cause of millions of kid and adult deaths
I've realized that I must be stopped
So I ask you all here
Am I a murderer?
Am I the cause of mass genocide?
Or am I just a manipulative demon praying on the souls of children?

I am not a murderer
I am not the king of genocide
And I do not enjoy praying upon kids and teenagers
Yet it is in my nature to be a vulture

But most importantly,
My name is Depression.

Everyone told you
That growing up meant
Being free
Being yourself
Yet they somehow forgot to mention
That the feeling
Of suppressing yourself
Of locking yourself up
Never truly goes away
Past insecurities
Past self-doubt
All come rushing back
Like a tidal wave right before the crash
You've tried too hard
Now people think you're weird
You've tried to little
Now people think you're just lazy
You want to try new things
Meet new people
But meeting new people
Was never what you expected
They are cruel, vile beasts
Ready to attack at one sign of weakness
Rip your flesh out
But save your heart for last
So you feel every last ounce of it
No matter how hard you struggle
People will only see the surface
And once you're tagged
There's no escape
Because they will find you
Torture you
Until that one insecurity
Turns into thousands
And what's left?
Of you?
Of them?
Of your heart?
When people tell you
To grow up
Tell them
That you're staying
Right where you are
Planted in the ground
Because who really needs to grow up?

When I was young
You were  my entire world
You built me up
And gave me confidence I never knew I had

Even when you began cracking under the pressure
You stayed strong for me
Guiding me
And showing me that I could find strength in anything

The more I grew up
The more that image of you began to fade
Small scratches turned into small cracks
Until the glass began to shatter entirely

Other people never made it easy for you
Breaking you down
Until nothing was left but the hope that one day,
One day it would get better

I watched your world fall apart in front of you
Almost like the Black Plague
Everything was dying around you
And you were convinced it was because you touched it

Tell me that you'll be okay
Because without you, I am nothing
I depend on you for my happiness
But I know that I shouldn't

So, I started looking for happiness in others
Until I found out that their smiles were fake
Their friendship was fake
Everything was fake

So ... I started walking alone
Who needs three musketeers
When I can trust only one
And even that one I'm suspicious of

You were my entire world
But when that world came crashing down
I wasn't strong enough to build one
With you still in it

So ... dear self
It's been a long time without you
But I still have hope that one day
You'll return home

I haven't slept in days
Trying to figure out why
I have a monster living in my head

Telling me sweet lullabies
Of how I'm not good enough
How I'm not who I want to be
How I'm a failure

I haven't been able to sleep
Relax
Have a moment of peace to myself
Without the monster screaming and screaming

This monster isn't new
I say hello to them every day
I say goodnight to them every night
Before they keep me awake with their yelling and disapproval

I haven't slept in days
Because my brain
Is a monster

I wish I could tell you
Tell you all my secrets
So I wouldn't have to face them alone

I have anxiety
Which seems to be an overused term
By people who will never understand the feeling
Of never wanting to wake up
Where reality is too much

I'm asexual
Meaning a lack of ****** attraction
Easy right?
No. Nothing can be that easy to understand
Some of my friends have left me
My family doesn't seem to understand
How I can be asexual and have a girlfriend
My mom wouldn't let me get pride shirts
She allowed me a hair bow with my pride colors
Because it's subtle and maybe no one will notice

I have an eating disorder
Binge-Eating Disorder to be exact
My mom says I'm chubby
My doctor says I'm approaching overweight status
My friends are concerned
For they know how long I can go without food
They know how much I can eat
It's not by choice
I wish I was skinnier
I wish I could control myself
I wish I had control

I talk to myself
Like a whisper
I shut out my surroundings
To listen to the voices in my head
And this can lead to two things
Resolution or Destruction
For my mind has no middle ground
Struggling to resolve a situation
That I've poured over with gasoline
And the voices have lit the match
One false move
And the voices will win

I'm too smart for my own good
But not academically
I use animals to imprint scars upon my skin
I ride my scooter too fast down a hill
So my knee slides across the pavement
Ripping out flesh
A permanent reminder
That 1200 pound horse that stepped on my foot?
Not an accident.
When I sprained both my ankles at the same time?
Not an accident.

I have a gender that I can't identify
I feel mostly feminine
But some days I just want to be able to relax
In baggy sweatpants
With a muscle shirt
And short hair
Yet I know that if I cut my hair
I will regret it the next day
For my gender never seems to stay masculine for long

I had a journal
One that I would write in since 5th grade
It wasn't a diary
But it knew exactly how I felt
And when the bullying became worse
Turning from verbal to emotional
Emotional to physical
My journal suffered the waves of my tears
The fissures of the ripped pages
The erasure shavings left on every page

Until I burned it
Lit it on fire
Erasing any trace of who I am
So who am I you ask?
My secrets lie within this poem
So don't lose it
For this,
This is my last journal

Today is just another day
Another day to work
Another day to walk
Another day to try and continue breathing

I put on a smile
Yet I can't seem to find inspiration
A reason I need to get out of bed
A reason I need to talk at all

If I'm silent, people continue on
And I am pushed further into my night
The darkness in my head spreading like a disease
And one day I'll be infected

This disease isn't simple and has no cure
It is embedded in the strands of my brain
Trying to take over an *****
That has almost given up anyway

One day, you will talk to me and get a blank stare
And I won't have the passion, the sense
To push myself to say anything

This wasn't how it used to be
I've always had social anxiety
And talking never was my strong suit
But at least I tried

Yet the more I tried to be myself,
The more people pushed me away
Strangers, my friends, my family
They all seem to be using me as target practice
Finding the closest object to them that's different and executing it from existence

Well......fine
It probably wouldn't matter anyway right?
I mean, who cares about this nerd that stands before you?
......No one

And then, after the infection almost took over my body
I found her
The girl who made me smile
Made me want to live

She started talking to me
Saying I was beautiful, pretty, gorgeous
She made me feel something brighter
And for a moment I thought I'd be saved

But I was too close to the edge
And someone, from school, gave me the final push
And drove me over

The infection has spread
And my body is a limp puppet
No longer having a mind of its own
No will to live

She misses me
When I used to be brighter happier
But I no longer talk, or breathe
I'm forever gone and nobody cares.

Late nights
Where I'm most productive
Where my mind comes up
With new ideas

Late nights
Where my mind runs free
Where my imagination take precedence
To create things I never thought I could

Late nights
Where the lights from my room
Turn into dark shadows
When the lights goes out

Late nights
Where I can't sleep
The insomnia turning shadows
Into monsters

Late nights
Where my night terrors feel like reality
Where the sweating never stops
And the fear never sleeps

Late nights
Where my brain is so tired
That it contemplates the craziest things
The deadliest things

Late nights
Creativity turned to Horror
Imagination turned to Monsters
Light turned to Darkness

You feel like you've lost me
That I'm someone new
But I've always been this way
Just hiding from you

I was told I was a freak
That no one was like me
But that's when I found and became part of
the LGBT

I wish I wasn't so afraid
So shy
So worried about everyone else
And what they think of me

I had the courage beaten out of me
I've walked home with bruises
Both physically and mentally
I've never been the same

But maybe I don't want to be
Just like everyone else
Fake smiles plaguing my universe
I wish I could be
Honest

Every smile you've seen
Has been fake
I'm a liar

I'm trapped in a corner
Confronted on all sides
I don't even try to leave
I just let them eat me alive

My demons
Too many for this small mind
Making my brain black
And leaving myself behind

I've been squashed
I've been killed
I've been left by all my loved ones
But still

Living is more painful than dying
Yet I want to live

Sitting in a room
Surrounded by my friends
Is supposed to make me happy
After a long week of stress

But when they all huddle together
And leave me alone
I start to realize
How isolated I truly am

They cuddle with each other
Telling each other how much
They love each other
Leaving me out of the loop

I'm devastated
But not surprised
I'm upset
But too shy to say a thing

I'm afraid to get beat up
I'm afraid to be abused
I'm afraid of their reaction
I'm afraid of them

I'm afraid ...

That I'll always be lonely

Talking long distance to you online
I feel I know you even though we've never met
I know your feelings, your quirks
Your wants, your needs
I love you for who I've come to see plastered on my computer screen.

A thin pane of glass
Sits between you and me
Yet I somehow know
That it is meant to be

I’ll express what I know
To spare you your pride
And allow you to keep your secrets.
Lately, I’ve fallen
And not in the literal sense.
I [pause]
I’ve lost the meaning of life
There is no point for me to continue my journey
I’ve stopped exercising
I’ve stopped walking under the majestic sky
The clouds my safe haven
The blue sky my tranquility
I’ve stopped looking into the golden sunlight
Only for my skin to embrace its warmth
I’ve stopped breathing
Holding my breath, waiting for the beauty to resurface
For what I once saw has vanished
I see poison in the air, so I hold my breath
Hold my breath
As I run out of oxygen, my mind scatters
To how a human is the perfect invention
The perfect tool
For reason, understanding, and unlimited thinking
The movement of man
How angelic
Yet how insignificant
We are but one creation among billions
Our existence is only a hazard
To the perfect environment around us
The majestic sky
The clouds; my safe haven
The golden sunlight
All we have done is turn them to poison
To dust
I see you laugh, as you must think this a joke
Yet I must ask
What have you done
To save the one God that created the beauty and the destruction
Mother Nature herself?

When an attack hits
I become still
Trying to find shelter and isolate myself
In fear of hurting those around me

I become violent
Using my fists as my defence
Using my words as a warning
Using my brain as my weapon

They turned me into this
A dissociated being
No longer able to act
No longer able to live

But why would I apologize for being a monster?
Had anyone ever apologized for turning me into one?

My best friend
My ally
You were always there for me
When I was little

As we've grown up together
I've seen the distance grow between us
We've had our arguments
But I've stuck with you

As the arguments rise in intensity
I contemplate leaving you
I want to burn you alive
But I feel as if you're a part of me

You've broken all my limbs
Yet I have found some way
To walk forward
Until you step on me, holding me down

I want you to die
With blood pouring out your body
You've never given me a chance
And have kept me silent

I scream
But am never heard
I cry
But no one comes to my rescue

Because I've kept you a secret
From anyone I've ever loved
Because if they knew about you
They'd have left me in seconds

So I ask you to hide
Never show your face
Stay as far away from me as you can
Before I **** you myself

You may be a disorder
Something that has defined me
But I won't let you control me
Until I drop dead

So **** me now if you wish
Just don't let my friends know you exist
You may be my biggest obstacle I never conquered
But at least I'll save my friends from discovering you

I have a routine.

Every morning
Wake up but stay in bed
Because I like to wallow in my sadness
When the sun is at its brightest

When/If I get out of bed
Walk to the scale and check my weight
Because nothing's more important than drowning
Drowning in the repercussions of last night's stress eating episode

After looking at my body in the mirror
Disgusted at my form
I walk back up the stairs to my bedroom
My own walk of shame

From there I stay in my bedroom
Contemplating my day
Of darkness surrounding me
In a room that is my prison

I only leave for bathroom breaks
And am forced to eat dinner
Not saying much, escaping to my room after
Stirring over whether throwing it up would be worth it

I stay in my room
Until 2AM, 3AM
Where my mind is in a drunk state
Where anything is reality

Where I can pretend I'm happy.

Even though the New Year just began
I fear that I won't make it to the next
That my mind will swallow my body whole
And never let go

The end
It's almost upon me
Approaching like a cheetah
I cannot escape

The night I get dressed up
With a gown around me
The hat on my head
The tassels

The cords around my neck
Strangling me
Making it hard to breathe
The words escaping

I don't want this night to come
The stage lights producing sweat
As I walk across to receive a piece of paper
Saying I made it
I survived

I'm meant to celebrate
The end of my journey
The end of the hell
All my classmates put me through

But that night
When I move my tassel
Will be the beginning
Of my goodbyes

There have been very few
To be by my side
To encourage me
To love me

While some leave with me
To places unknown
I must leave some back
To survive alone in this ring of fire

I won't survive the night
Without tears down my face
Without choking on my words
My fears

How do you tell someone
That you love them
And that they alone
Have helped you live

No one said goodbyes were easy
But now I know what they mean
I feel it in my heart
The emptiness
The loneliness

So I walk towards my teacher
Thinking about my friends
Grab the diploma
And cry

Your words…
They may seem minimal
Just something you blurted out
Something you didn’t think about
But they’re killing me

Being myself is hard enough
Without your words
Contorting my figure into a pile of rubble
I struggle to keep smiling
And lately, every slight grin is an imposter
Tricking it’s new victims into thinking I’m okay

You will be the death of me
And you don’t even know it
Every hateful comment is
Shurikens thrown through my heart

The blood on my arms may be fresh
Yet you still find new ways to injure me
Cutting into my skin until you see bone
Fracturing all of my bones until I am nothing

Too bad you didn’t realize
I already feel like nothing

I'm isolated
I'm lonely
I'm lost
I'm gone

I don't know when I'll be back
But something tells me
That until I see something but black
I'll never be free

So here I wait
For someone to save me
Taking love as bait
That ends up being deadly

I'm isolated, lonely
Lost, gone
I don't see anything for me
You won't see me until your dawn

Why ...

Why is it that I wake up
And can already hear you arguing
Your voices implanted in my mind
Where no one else can listen

You control me
But I like to think you don't complete me
Because if you did
I'd be aggressive, mean, and everything I don't want to be

So I have to ask
Since I'm the only one that can see you
That can hear you
Why do you destroy me?

Your words affect me
You tell me how to dress
How to walk
How to talk
How to live

But I don't know if I'd call this living
Being stuck in my head,
You must not consider yourselves living either
Yet you have all the power

One day, you'll be in harmony
Rather than at war
One day we'll be a family
I just hope it's before you **** me

People.
Something we see everyday
One of my biggest fears
I shake and tremble
As they approach
I tell myself
Don't get close
They're unpredictable
Watch your step
For these creatures will do anything to step all over you
It comes closer as my fingers shake
My entire arm becomes numb
I hold my hand trying to calm down
Yet this creature stands before me
And I receive flashbacks
Of playing on the playground
The swings my saving grace
For I could push it all by myself
But then I saw them
They ran towards me in a herd
Drowning out my cries with their footsteps
And then ...
Black
The color of my timid soul
The color of my heart

People.
And everyday creature.
My biggest fear.
My worst nightmare.

You killed me
By draining me of my blood
And leaving me to die
Alone

I never trusted anyone
Looking down when people talked
I never saw the color in others' eyes
Never saw the beauty in people

I walked alone
Afraid of comments on my looks
Afraid of malicious torture
Afraid of people

I am an individual
Who never knew what the sun looked like
Seeing that I hid in my house
With no friends to hang out with

I thought as time passed
I'd become better
Improve myself
Make myself more likeable

So I started changing
I tore off my limbs and replaced them.
Like a three year old playing with a Barbie doll
I rearranged myself

I changed all my features
Yet no one noticed
No one said a word
No one cared

So I stay in my room
With the comfort of my blood
Dripping onto the carpet
Creating spots

I kept a scarlet paint can in my room,
So when I got questioned
I would just say it was
An art project gone wrong

I am just a painting, right?
People walk all over me
Throwing dirt in my face
Leaving me behind

My friends left me
I guess being too unpopular
Has its own downfalls
Its own consequences.

So I've walked alone
No one knows the true me
So why do I care to know
This girl inside me

I've become my own enemy
Stepping on myself
Cutting my body to pieces
Until all I see is the color of roses you find for Valentine's Day

Blood-red is my new favorite color
Seeing that I see it every day
But no one comes to my rescue
No one even knows I exist

So congratulations
You have been my downfall
You have made my life a living hell
And it's all your fault

You never gave me a chance
A chance to open my mouth
To speak one word
To express myself one time

I have been silent for years
And yet maybe it's okay.
It's okay that no one can hear my screams of pain
My agonizing screech to all

I was never thought of
Never liked
Pushed around
And never loved

You killed me
You took my life
I have to stare at my reflection
All ****** and beat up

And it's all your fault.

Will you remember me?
With my slightly above average grades
My long hair
The chubby physique

I always had a feeling
A want, no
A desire
To be remembered

I just wanted a friend
Who would miss me when I leave
One who would hug me so tightly
That I wouldn't be able to breathe

I've had times where I couldn't breathe
But not from a hug or warm embrace
From being lied to
Back stabbed with a thousand knives

The sting of being hated
The tears I've shed because I know I'm hated
The emotions like a roller coaster
A never-ending thrill ride

All I wanted was to be remembered
But not like this
Because why would someone
     With scars
     With pain in their eyes
     With a beaten up body
Want to be remembered

They're probably talking behind my back
Laughing at my mistakes
Thinking I'm a ****
Hating me

I wear a mask
Never able to say what I think
In fear of being hated
Of being alone

But I'm already alone, you see
For my brain left me long ago
To rot in this body
To rot and die

I can't breathe
The silence is suffocating
But no one is coming to my rescue

I'm left with myself
But when I look in a mirror
All I see are demons

I talk to myself
To create noise, any noise
That can drown out the voices in my head

For if I hear them
I might just do what they ask
And be out to sleep

We haven't talked in awhile
Your voice like silk
Bringing a smile with it
Something I haven't done for months
I talk to you on Twitter
The bird a messenger to our secret conversation
Every time a white message box pops up
Every time I get a notification from you
My heart skips a beat
For every word you write, every sentence
Is worth the couple seconds it takes to read
We have a lot in common
We both have eating disorders
That couldn't be more different
We love the same music
As we rock out on Facetime
And laugh at my shyness and stupidity
Yet without social media
We would have never met.
I would never have smiled.
I would never have lived.

I'm sorry ...
Sorry for letting everyone
Walk all over you
Like a piece of trash

Sorry for making you feel like trash
As if you're nothing more
Than a slave
To the life I've made for you

Sorry that you cry
When the anxiety becomes too much
But sorry that I hide it
The second someone comes that could help

I'm sorry
That I made someone like you
Not want to live
With anxiety
Like a slave
Like a piece of trash

Like a human being

Some call me a prophet
Others see me as a derelict
These stories I’ve stored in my head
Can easily be twisted to fantasy

Am I reliable?
You have no choice
But to take what I say and believe
At least for a little while

I believe the listener
Is as naïve as I seem
Sitting on every detail
Every word

While visiting Southwark
I met a variety of characters
From different means of life
With different perspectives on the world

Looking innocent has its advantages
It gives me a leeway
To invade other’s privacy
And extend the truth to the edge of fabrication

Have you ever questioned a storyteller?
We all seem friendly
We talk highly of everyone we meet
Until we dive deeper into their secrets

The Squire
Composing music is his forte
I say it sounds beautiful
And he seems fresh as the month of May

The Friar
A gossiper full of language
I hope to understand
To grasp




A Sailor
Having bad joints
From extensive labor.
He must work substantially to acquire those injuries

The Summoner
Full of white pimples
Yet drinks red wine
As red as blood

I create a story
Yet can end it all the same
I tell you what you want to hear
Not what reality presents in front of me

For life is not exciting
Without a bit of imagination.
And with my mastered poker face
It may be impossible to seek out my lies

The darkness inside us all
Can peek its head at any time
Consuming us into a downward spiral
Of lie after endless lie

So am I reliable?
We’ll just have to see.
So here comes a story
Told by me.

A little boy
Neat white shirt ironed to perfection
A monster truck plastered on the front
Denim jeans, fitting his skinny waist just right

Innovative
Imaginative
He loves creating new things
Making plain old cardboard into the next best thing

He gets his crayons
Sharpies and all
And runs to his room
All excited on his new project, his new creation

One piece of cardboard after the other
Rectangles flying everywhere
Coloring what looks like door handles onto cardboard?
The vision isn’t clear, yet it will come together soon.

He works quickly
With a due date set in mind
Full of ambition
The vision isn’t clear, yet it will come together soon.

He finishes his new achievement
Smiling happily at his new jumble of handiwork
Glued together precisely
The vision isn’t clear, yet it will come together soon.

He attaches the different shapes to himself
Straps glued to the cardboard
It seems he’s wearing armor
With doorknobs and wood grain painted on it with pure artistry

He hears someone come in the front door
His smile turns to panic
He quickly cleans up the supplies
Throwing things around the room anywhere they fit

He runs to the corner of his room
He quickly pulls the “armor” close to him
As he sits in the fetal position
His armor becomes a small dresser that looks as if it was made for clothes

The father bursts into the room
With rage spelled out on his forehead
The boy hides brilliantly afraid of the wrath to come
The father looks around the room carefully

Come out Come out
Wherever you are
The next time I see you
I’ll give you more bruises than last week altogether

He closes the door with a loud slam
The boy unfolds his creation, a simple dresser
Who knew that a young boy’s imagination
Would protect him from all of the horror and pain usually unleashed on him

I was always told
I meant nothing
I was just another body
Waiting to have a hole dug in the ground

I was never a favorite with children or adults
I seemed too outgoing
Too energetic
Adults tell me to not be myself around others
I need to be reserved

So I tried being calm, quiet
I never talked to anyone no matter the age
And soon it became so easy, so natural

That by second grade I went weeks without speaking
And I never gave a ****
Because it's what everyone else wanted
And it became what I needed

In high school, my teachers told me to speak up
They want me to be an individual
But knowing that everyone else wanted me quiet
I just shrugged and moved on

I look back now and remember
I remember the lonely nights
The red splattered carpet
The feeling of vacancy

When I needed to try
To try to speak my mind
To try and be myself
To try and stop my destructive behavior

I failed
I've always been a failure
Who tried their best to fix their mistakes
But trying is the first step to failure

And I've lost this battle

"I never liked you"
My brain won't seem to shut up
Self hate being the only routine I have
For everything else is a variable.

y=x+5
I can graph this, integrate the function
Math is a high honor
While mental health is swept under the rug

I used to be confident before they got to me
Blunt children
No empathy
No sympathy

I never went outside the box
For a fear of breaking the lines
Created by my emotions
Every day another without risk

My mental health bar decreasing
I no longer know what I'm supposed to feel
Because what I feel has run away
The only part of me able to escape

I'm quiet which comes off as rude
I'm solitary which comes off as ******
I'm alone which comes off as frightening
So no one approaches

My mind my only friend
A destructive one
One that might **** me
But we'll just have to wait and see