i pull my eyeball out of my socket
or perhaps,
i remove my socket from my eyeball
the moon is howling
the wind is shining
i grin a grin of blood and ... joy?
eyeball in hand,
or was it the socket?
maybe it's the hand in my eyeball
either way
i take a step towards the water
i feel it lapping at my ankles
i lie down face first
the water breathes me in and
we float
in that uterine comfort we once knew
when I open my eye/socket/hand
i see that i am in a tank
the light refracts across the water
gliding
i worm my way to the base of the tank and i
                                                                                          push
my body is too heavy
i reach between my legs
and
pull out my guts
they slither away into the dark abyss
i close my eye/socket/hand
i sleep

i feel like i'm slipping
melting into the ground
blood and flesh combining with metal concrete plaster
swirling together
stronger better
i want to stand in the wind and watch myself blow away
molecule by molecule
like a dandelion
i'll go to the ocean and sit in the waves
and get washed away
the salt purifies me and i am clean again
stepping into the fire
i watch my flesh fall off my bones
i am finally authentic
maybe i'll just sit in a corner and
watch myself disappear
like the cheshire cat
just like this work
someday i'll embrace my insignificance
and learn to die

1) empty bottles that clink as you wade through them. you drown in an ever-increasing pool of bottles

2) puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. i want to pour coloured powder on her cheeks. i want to trace every single stream

3) eardrum rupturing music. he screams along to it. they become indistinguishable from the music. he enjoys being a part of something.

4) a lone figure next to a lake. they hug their legs. nothing moves. everything is completely still. if you listen closely, you can hear their heart shattering into the tiniest fragments. they try to keep it together. an internal war rages. but nothing moves.

5) the buzzing. hair falling to the ground. a blank stare and tiny smile

6) you are a tiny dark speck, against the looming white landscape.

7) the lingering taste of coffee. a lit cigarette dangling from between fingers. flecks of ash fall to the ground.

8) submerged into the deepdarkbluebutmaybeblack ocean. everything is dulled.

9) a neatly folded stack of clothes in a washing machine.

10) putting your fingers in between your legs. you are in front of a mirror. you watch yourself

11) a body falling apart into several meat-sized chunks. they are stapled back together.

12) clay masks.

13) lose strands of hair tied together in a trash can

14) refusing to follow the rules.

the voice in my mind can't possibly be my own
i've never spoken such cruel words to anyone
why would I do that to myself?
it must be a demon,
roaming my mind,
using  my own voice against me
to make me feel unloved
unwanted
replaceable
urging me, after every small incident
to **** myself
i'm worthless and no one would care after all
to the demon that rules my mind,
you've gone and made yourself at home
4 long years and counting
you've reduced m to tears more times than i can possibly count
i did not invite you in
one day,
during a vulnerable time,
the door was left open,
and you strolled in as though you owned the place
made yourself a cup of tea
made my body your entertainment system
broke me
over
and over
had be subbing till i had no more tears
had me wishing i was dead
it looks like you're her for the long run.
Well, in that case,
we better lay down some rules?
I'm in control and I always will be,
no matter how you may make me feel otherwise
i am the master of my own body.
i have a sad feeling those rules will never be followed
and my mind will continue being its playground
my soul an trampoline
and my body an artwork exhibition

now i know where i stand with you
and what i mean to you
which is absolutely nothing
and it makes me so ******* angry
all my energy spent on you
for me to be nothing to you
you're too self-centred to even realise what is going on
if i weren't so angry, i'd almost be sorry
but *******

i'm so tired
of you
of everyone around me
i'm so tired of living like this
i am so tired of pretending to be okay
pretending that i am not falling apart
*******
*******
i am so ******* tired
i just want to curl into a ball and cry
but everywhere i look
i see you and it ******* burns

i've never been one of you
let's face it
maybe it was he way i did not laugh at your insensitive jokes
or the way that i was not as cool as the others
i've always given more and more and more of myself
never got anything in return
and
truth be told
i've always secretly resented you for it
i've always hated hated hated hated hated you for it
the bubbling bitterness at the base of my stomach
like bile
burning rising
i choke it down
and say hi babe thank you for being such a great friend
the words leave a bad taste in my mouth.
the worst part?
by hiding these true feelings of mine
and being so incredibly fake
i'm just as bad as you are
maybe we truly do deserve each other

words have never been enough
to convey what's on my mind
i'll never tell you
what you should pay attention to is the pauses
between my fleeting
i'm okays and thank you for askings
if you listened closely
you may have heard
my cries
there is much said in the unspoken
if you looked closely you'd see the red ring around the area just below my elbow
i'd fallen asleep at my desk again
thinking
sobbing- that's something you'd have noticed if you saw the puffiness of my eyes
then you'd know i cried this morning too
you'd know that my smile
was a mere facade
and if you'd understood that
and if you listened close to my heart's thump
then you would have noticed the hum of suicidal thoughts running through my veins
coursing through my very being
feeding into every cell
ringing in my ears
like a mantra
like a death march

i will not stop
not even when everything inside of me
is burning
struggling
fighting
begging to stop
begging to take a break
i will keep pushing on
i will do it
i won't stop
not even if the last shred of my restraint
is gasping for air
saying
please stop i can't hold back anymore
i will appear vulnerable to the world
because vulnerability is not weak
and i'm anything but weak
i will rise again
*resurgam

This is for the forgotten ones
For the in-betweeners
For the never-good-enoughs
This is for my strong people
Who struggle daily to find their footing in a world that seems to take pleasure in seeing them trip
For the second choices
For the I'll-date-her-if-I-have-no-other-options
For those who always feel alone
For my fighters
I understand you and I am so proud of you
It is not easy to live the way you do and yet you are breathing
This is for my forgotten people who simply exist while no one cares
I'm with you and
I care

You say nothing as you watch me crumbling
Whispering a defiant 'i'm ok'
Tears streaming down my face
I'm not looking at you
You notice this
You say 'you're not'
I agree silently
I cannot find it within me to talk more
I am exhausted
I do not know how to explain how much i think about dying
I do not know how to seek help
But you know i am crumbling
You see
And you stare
Numbly blankly
Back at me
Hands in your pocket you do nothing
And i plead with you silently to help me
You notice this and you still stare
Numbly blankly
And then i collapse and i disappear
And you say 'what a shame. If only i had known'
And you walk away

they creep in slowly
when i least expect it
in school during math
at home when I'm watching a video
in the bus as i stare out of the window
crawl in on all fours
they know what they want
they take it
they leave me empty
the won't leave me alone
not even when i am broken
and crying
and i have nothing left to give
they still find something to take
my mind is an endless hum of suicidal thoughts
whispers
and so i talk louder and
laugh harder and
try to drown them out and
it never works because they are still there
friends look at me with concern
it's just the stress i tell them, exams and deadlines
they buy it
excellent
so everyday i am free
to go home to
suicidal thoughts and chill

time capsules have always struck me as
poignant reminders of time passing
how we tread the earth daily,
as many have done years before us.
the same earth,
the same life-giving soil with new plants every season
history buried beneath our feet
Isn't it amazing to think how a hundred years ago today,
someone of a different time, culture, race, religion
could be feeling exactly as you do now
you have similar hopes and dreams
just wants to achieve their goals;
fire burning in their heart
treading on the soil that you now tread
they don't exist.
but they once lived.
as you do now.
isn't that beautiful?

Young blood
Old soul
In pieces
Awaiting death
Come soon

is when every single word you say and write is carefully crafted
to tell people you need help
because how do you tell someone you think about death daily?
and you want nothing more for someone to look into your eyes and say
talk to me
you are not okay
i care
and no one notices
you are replaceable
you are unwanted
they ask you if you are okay because it is polite
but they don't ask you if you are okay
they don't care
and i guess it's just the realisation that at the end of the day,
no one does.
your death simply will not affect them.
so why not?

i feel like a soul
trapped in a body
that is trapped in a mundane, sad life
and i need a weapon
to break this body open
so that my soul come spilling out and i can be free

oh what should my weapon be?
so many choices
so little time
before the time bomb in my mind explodes
leaving me a mess of thoughts and emotions
resurfacing repressed memories
makeitstopmakeitstopmakeitstop
the demons have been let out of their cage again
and they're here to play
tugging on my heartstrings
constricting my throat
crawling under my skin begging me to join them
it's so easy, you can do it i know you can just hold on tightly, pull the trigger, that's right, you're doing so well
we'll see you on the other side

you did not see me crumblin
                                                    g
under the weight of my thoughts
you did not see the tear slip down,
rolling down my cheek

maybe you did not care.
maybe i'm tired of always being the second choice
maybe i want to feel important and loved and worthy
and maybe you can't do that for me
and maybe that's okay
i've lived my entire life like this,
what's a while more?

thank you for being there during all the good times,
they were few and far in between but
you were there i guess.
you were always there.

just never when i needed you most

i need someone to let me know i'm not a mistake,
that i can be loved,
that i won't be the only one in my group of friends left alone,
that i am worthy.
i need someone who can hold me tightly
and remain calm during those nights i end up crying.
crying because i start thinking and never stop
crying because i'm so tired of giving and getting nothing in return.
i need someone who can understand this constant void i feel in my soul
i need someone who will understand me and accept me,
flaws and all

And when i saw your name there
I no longer felt the oh so familiar
Butterflies in my stomach
Tugging at my heartstrings
Chaining me down
Clamming me up everytime i glnaced at you
Sneaking glances
Doing everything to get your attention
Saying hi when you never really gave a ****
And then I learned more about you,
About differences that we could never overcome
I heard a few negative things about you
And i
Convinced myself that they were all wrong
You were perfect, velvety and smooth
You were you
You could do no wrong
But then i witnessed it
Something so trivial and yet
It shook me out of this trance i was in,
Opened up my eyes to all your flaws
We all have flaws
But some of yours were inexcusable to me.
And then i came across your name again
And i
Felt nothing
And then,
I smiled.

how do you explain the hollowness you feel within?
how do you tell people that you feel empty, like someone scooped everything out of your soul
how do you fake a smile and talk real loud so that you drown out the demons within
whispering, taunting, urging oh go on, it's only too easy to...
how do you say you're fine while hoping, praying someone will look into your eyes and say 'No, you're not.'
how do you cry yourself to sleep every night and go to school with a pre-planned smile, yes I'm fine just really tired, math tutorials make me want to **** myself
and they smile knowingly because they understand
but if only they knew just how true that statement is.
if only they knew how you stared out of the window, knowing that there is nothing that could possibly hold you back from leaping over the edge and soaring, spiraling down to your reprieve from this hell, this flesh prison to which you are bound.
if only they knew how many times you held that bottle of pills in your hand, knowing that if you counted out 27 pills and downed them all at once, your oh so tired heart would slowly slow down and eventually stop, sending you into a peaceful slumber .

if only they knew that some people were born to die,
and that's okay.

music is the way i escape
when the voices are raised and i can't think
and i drown it all out with the music on at full volume
concentrate on the lyrics,
you don't the hear the dysfunction around you.
oblivion by shutting all noise out
pretending it doesn't exist,
shoving it to the back of my mind,
if i can't hear it, it's not real.
let the carefully crafted and polished words of catchy pop songs drown out the raw dripping words being screamed at each other.
music is the way i deal with life

they say that time is supposed to heal but the wounds you left were permanent and raw and they still bleed today if I stretch too much
my mind is a vast expanse and you are the lonesome tree in the centre dominating the landscape leaving room for nothing else
you said our love would transcend death but our love is dead and I wish I was too
my body was the battlefield and your tongue was the weapon and we fought many wars together but we all know battle scars never fade and you left as rashly as you came leaving me a barren wasteland
and I yearn to feel your body against mine, shadows cast by neon lights 12.01 am getting sweaty and hot and it picks up pace and no one has to know because nights like these will last forever yes laying here in your arms for eternity
gone
one day you decided that i was not enough
one day you realised that settling down was not for you.
one day you left
and you never returned

in a room full of my friends
and yet
i am all alone
and  i am so tired of feeling this way
this constant sense of inadequacy
constant need to prove my worth
**** it
i don't owe you anything
i don't owe you an explanation
i don't owe you evidence of how 'cool' i am
******* for thinking that way and honestly just *******
I'm tired of caring so much for people who can't even summon up a **** to give about me.
i am just so tired and exhausted of this constant marathon that is school and the constant race to be the most popular or the hottest or the smartest
i don't even care if my crush likes me back
i just want to be free from expectations and worries
free to live life the way i want to without fear of judgement and just free
from you.

everytime I think of you I blush
I just can't get you out of my head
this is more than just a simple crush
I almost wish I was dead

Cause you don't want me
and you never will
the two of us could never be
for I'm just another girl.

and yet everytime I see you
my heart just beats a little faster
I  don't even know what to do

why am I so in love with you

when i saw you the first time
you took my breath away
eyes that shone full of life and hope and warmth
and you smiled and said hi
and i
crumbled
because your smile made my heart race and calmed me at the same time
and
i smiled back and then i knew that i could never have you
i knew you would never want me back and I tried to stop falling
but
i tripped over the smooth and velvety sound of your laughter and
fell
head first into 'like'
and I knew that you were too popular too smart and too good looking
but
we had to much in common and i had hope because you talked to me too and sometimes i'd catch you staring at me and we'd make eye contact and smile and i'd be breathless again and i hoped and i hoped and i hoped and then we talked and you said
that you wanted to date a nice girl from your religion
and
i fell apart
i knew we'd never be together but
i'd never thought it would be because of a man made construct such as religion and
my heart shattered into a million pieces
because there is nothing i can do to get you back
the bright-eyed boy who radiated hope rendered me hopeless
and i still loved it

i feel weird again i lament
i feel mortal
i am aware of my mortality
for a split second i feel
strange
i feel like flesh and bones
no soul just muscles that could rip and tear and shred and be broken and
death
i could die
for a second i have a heightened awareness of this fact
and it feels
strange
my tongue starts to tingle
mortality
i feel my body decay from within
i feel like dying
my heart feels weird
it feels like t is burdensome to continue beating.
it feels heavy
if that is even possible
i just don't know what is real and what i feel
i am confused and lost and i clutch my chest
feel the warmth
i'm still alive right
and i just don't
i just can't
i simply don't know how to explain what I feel
i just feel like flesh and bones and nothing more.

i have gotten so good at pretending that everything is okay that it is second nature to me now. with a straight face I will tell you that I'm fine and with a relieved smile you'll say great and we'll go our separate ways and at night i will cry everything away and i night my demons come out to play my mind is their playground and oh my how much fun they have they plunder and pillage all the happiness I once had

Where wars are fought with words
And slammed doors
Shouting
Raised voices
And desperation
Exasperation
A threatening fist raised
Shock
I am unhappy you make me that way
Sobbing
Sob in front the kids
Scream in front of them too
Make them believe that love is a lie
Make them never want to get married
Ruin their lives
Ruin your lives too
Yeah in this new warzone we love being unhappy
In this new warzone we love the pain
In this warzone being alive means you're dead on the inside

and you'll know what it is when you see it
and your throat begins to constrict
and your chest feels heavier
and it is just difficult to breathe
and you can feel emotions bubbling up from the pit of your stomach
and you know you are going to cry
and the memories come flooding back
and you know you just can't bear to feel again
and despite knowing this you don't look away
and you begin to wonder whether you actually like the pain
and it is getting more difficult to breathe
and you know that soon you are going to be overwhelmed
and you do nothing to stop it because it was a part of you for so long it demands to be felt and accepted wholly, completely it demands that you cling onto it and never let it go it wants your attention it need you attention it does not care about you it cares about your attention you fool stop living in the past the past is the past it is over get over it
but
you
never
will

Suffocation isn’t always hand on neck,
Squeezing, pressing down,
Blocking off air death.
Suffocation is the man with his tie tightened around his tender neck
Every morning 5 am
He is told he needs to work hard (and overtime) to feed his family
Does he not care about them?
Whittle his soul down to a single strand of consciousness,
Again and again,
Exhausted, stressed
Failing relationships,
Doesn’t speak to parents,
Hasn’t seen wife in 3 weeks
But work, yes bills, more important.
Work till you die,
Profit first everything else second.
Suffocation is the student,
Hand squeezing pen,
Eyes shut,
Failed another test,
She didn’t have time to study,
Deadlines,
Homework,
Projects,
overwhelming,
pushing her down,
tries to scream fails can't breathe,
silent cries for help unnoticed,
passion for learning depleted cold and dark and alone,
anxious, trembling, when will the next test be when will the next failure come when

suffocating dying restricted.
not always hand on neck restricting.
Sometimes, it's the restriction of the mind;restriction of the soul.

I came broken, cracked and empty.
Beaten down by life
I came weary
I came exhausted and I came resigned.
You came content,
You came with a smile,golden soul spilling over the edges of the vessel that is your body,
You came with laughter and you came with positivity
and you came to me.
and you patched me up and you held me in your arms and you gave me some of your soul and I am complete and I am content and I am
broken
you came and then you left
you couldn't commit a soul like yours needs to travel
and i nodded numbly tears washing me hollow again
and you never turned back you never came back
you left me alone you never cared you left me
you left

The other day my sister lamented that she did not look like one of those white, blonde, blue-eyed beauties on television.
This struck me for a number of reasons mainly for the fact that we are Indian girls who are neither white, blonde nor blue-eyed and it is physically impossible for us to be like that because it's coded into our genes.
Why then did my sister want to be so much like these beauties that she could never look like.
Why then did my sister want to change herself so much, change they very coding in her genes, change the very fabric of her body?
I was not able to respond to her at the time but this is my response to her.
Society's standards of beauty were created by entrepreneurs looking to make a quick buck.
They market such celebrities as beautiful and, through subliminal messages tell you that if you do not look like them, you are ugly and not worthy.
And it is so easy for them to do this because of the Westernisation of cultures all over the world.
Go to any supermarket and the first things yo will see under the beauty section are bleaching and whitening creams.
It is true that these white, blonde, blue-eyed beauties are stunning, gorgeous.
But why should their beauty mean that you aren't beautiful?
You are the culmination of years of evolution,
the stars have been planning your arrival.
Look at yourself in the mirror,
Stare into the dark brown irises of your eyes and understand that they are like pools of chocolate, understand that they are the colour of the bark of the tress understand that they are beautiful.
Caress your brown hair, run your fingers through it, you are beautiful.
Look at your caramel-coloured skin, don't you just love the colour? It's deep and sweet and beautiful.
Your body, the vessel of your soul in beautiful and every step you take is magical and your voice sounds like a bow playing perfectly on a violin and your laugh ringing out sounds like wind chimes in a light breeze.
Don't you understand?
You are a ******* masterpiece.
Don't treat yourself any less.

I was looking through my friend's account and reading the poems she wrote almost two years ago when we were both younger and full of passion and excitement and a hunger to take more from the world. To gulp down whatever the world could offer. I experience so many things. We were so full of like then. So happy. Two years down the road and I down care anymore. I just don't care. About school, about life, about learning. I don't want to be forced to learn things that I do not want to learn. I do not care about my exam results. What will it matter when I will die anyway? Life is so fragile that I may even die just after taking my national exams(which are extremely soon.) Then my slaving over books for hours a day would b]have been for naught. My last days of my life would be filled with stress. I just want to enjoy life. Unfortunately, in order to do that, I have to be rich and to be rich, more likely than not, I have to have a good job which would thus require excellent academic results.

It is so easy to change our lives. We do not realise just how powerful we are. A thought could revolutionalise the world for the better. If we could just stand up and speak, make up our mind to be the best we possibly can. o stop watching those videos on Youtube, to stop scrolling through Facebook with a blank mind and then snapping out of it at the end of the day only to find that your life reeks of dysfunction and unproductivity and that you wasted an amazing day that you could have spent changing your life.
The butterfly effect.
Your decisions today affect your life tomorrow. Have the choices you made today given you a better tomorrow?

You can feel the tears pooling at the rim of your eyes they say that the eyes are the windows to your soul and my soul is over flowing and it spilling out for everyone to see my raw emotions for you to dissect and make assumptions and nod your head in fake understanding you can never begin to understand my soul and you never will my body is a vessel and my soul fills it to the brim a small trigger sends ripples down my spine and it sends my soul pouring over the edge escaping though any means; tears flowing down my cheeks a lump of emotions forming in the centre of my throat that I cannot stop i feel it rising and rising and finally it escapes as steam would from a kettle as a scream and i bring my hands to my face and my knees buckle under the weight of my overflowing soul and I lose the will to fight it i just let it flow until I am weak and tired and then  with red eyes raw from the weight of the emotions that came pouring from them and a ****** throat i stand up and grab a tissue fake a smile and wipe those tears away clear my throat drink some water smile again it's fine i'm fine no big deal shhh everything is normal i push myself further back into myself and i can feel the pressure start to build again like a ticking time bomb counting down to the next time i lose control and let my soul overflow

I feel like i'm spiralling down a deep hole and rappelling into the darkness and i am doomed to stay there for eternity  i feel like there is no more hope for me i don't feel motivated to live or even type this poem but i had to do it i have to do this i have to study and i have to ace my exams a lack of motivation is not an option at this point in time please someone help me because i have reached rock bottom and there is no way up only smooth walls of rock and i fall back down sliding down these smooth slippery walls everytime i try i have to use my fingers and grip the rock as as hard as i possibly can until my fingers are ****** and my skin is torn and i will claw my way up from rock bottom i will not meet my demise here this is not where i will end there is still a glimmer of hope and i am going to reach out for this glimmer and never lose sight of it for if i do, the consequences are dire

You're just a road bump in my life; a tiny invonvenience.
You know, survival of the fittest?
And boy, will I be crowned the ******* Queen once I survive you.

I've already ******* apologised *****. So shut the **** UP. Your voice sounds like chalk against a chalk board. No one want to hear you talk. Oh you were thinner then me when you were my age?? Well you're 48 now *****, not 16 so shut the **** UP!!! ******* you're ******* me off. I'll not answer you back. I'll write a poem about it and brush it off you ain't got nothin on me *****, above you I'll rise. So shut the **** UP.

You think your words affect me?
You think I give a **** about a thing that you say??
*****, please.
Say whatever the ******* want.
I will take the blows and the kicks.
They've got no effect on me anyway.
I'm a train going ahead at full speed and if you try to block my path *****, you're going to get run down.
With your iron fist of terror you rule this house but a revolution is about to start.
Enjoy while you can now *****, cause when I'm through with you , you'll take back every single ******* word.
That's a promise

I don't know if you remembered that time when we were 12 and I told you that I had a crush on you.
You threw me a look of disgust and said 'ew'.
Ew.
Ew.
That word stuck with me.
I know it was when we were 12. Even more immature than we are now but ew
Now, years later, I saw your name on Instagram.
****
I think.
****.
My heart gave a familiar flutter.
You stupid, stupid girl. A crush? An infatuation? The same freaking guy?
It took me a month to muster up the courage to press that follow button.
It took you 15 minutes to accept and another 37 minutes for you to follow me.
*fuuuuuck

I like to write poems that rhyme,
Though I haven't gott much time.
Rhyming poems work my mind.
They're one of a kind.

Sometimes they are lame.
The words may sound the same.
The words aren't bombastic, they're tame.
If you find this poem boring, it's Obama you should blame.

Okay, the words are kind of forced in.
This poem should be in the bin.

And yes, this poem is childish.
And yes I can no longer be bothered to make the words rhyme-ish (A for effort?)
But this poem was light-hearted.
Something to cheer me up.
And it make me smile.
:)

1) don't sweat the small things
2) don't get a joint bank account.
3) don't fight in front of your kids
4) do not marry person you've been on 2 dates with, just beause you want to spite your parents.
5) do not vent your anger out on each other
6) communication is key
7) you're probably better off not married

Father, you've made me cry.
Father, you've made my sister cry.
Father, you've made my mother cry.
Father you've hit me for no reason.
Father you've hit my sister for no reason.
Father you've hit my mother.
Father you are a control freak.
Father you've broken countless plates.
Father you've broken a fan.
Father you've literally torn the house apart.
Father you are unreasonable.
Father you shout unneccesarily.
Father you have anger issues (you broke your sister's jaw)
Father you've never been involved in my life.
Father you've never cared for me.
Father you've never told me that you loved me.
Father my life would be better without you.
So father, you can *******.

I sat there and I wondered why I was not motivated,
Why I failed my tests,
why I was not doing as well as I hoped to be doing.
And then I realized,
all I was doing was sitting at a table and asking why and dreaming of going to the top schools in the nations and dreaming of getting straight As and dreaming of proved them all wrong and dreaming
Dreaming was all that I was doing.
What's the use of dreaming if you don't act upon your dreams?
You'll keep dreaming and life will go on without you.
You'll keep questioning and complaining about the education system but you won't realize that you don't do anything.
And then you wake up and it's April and you panic. Where did the past 3 months  go and you realize that you spent three months wasted in Dreamland, living a pretend life with your pretend As.
It was then I had an epiphany of sorts, in the mostly unlikely place,
a dingy car while half asleep joining the mad dash to school.
It was then I realized that I could change my future, and I could just do it.
I mean, I knew this fact all  along but I never fully understood it.
But in my groggy state and gloomy setting, I understood what it meant and I realized how easy it was to pick up my pen and choose to write that essay. I did not have to succumb to the voice within that told me to relax or watch videos.
I had a choice, I had a way.
How remarkable is that?

Innocence is as pure as true love
As clean as a dove
As heavenly as fondue
A far cry from untrue
Innocence is the sound of the wind through the trees
But I sometimes wonder
Is it always what it seems?
Or is it not?
My love always said
It is what the eye sees and the mind believes
It is simply a game of hidden lies and pretty eyes.
It is a disguise for the guilty
A shield for the weak
Something rather oblique
A reason to deny
Innocence is nothing but a pure flawless lie

Because when I was 4, my mom told me that I could not like blue because it was a 'boy' colour.  
Because when I was 5, the kids at kindergarten made fun of me for my 'boy' hairstyle.
Because when I was 6, dad refused to buy me a toy car because it is a 'boy' toy. He got me a Barbie doll. 'Good for girls,' he said.
Because when I was 7, my teacher scolded my for my 'boy' handwriting.
Because when I was 8,after a bad fall, my mom lamented that I would never be able to wear a skirt, instead of asking if I was ok.
Because when I was 9 I watched as my relatives mocked my male cousin for cooking. "Leave it to the women" they said.
Because when I was 10, I was told that I ran like a girl. 'But I am a girl', I said. They laughed at my innocence.
Because when I was 11, I was warned my my mother that I would be too fat to be loved. As though his love had to be spread all over my fats.
Because when I was 12, puberty started and the acne set in. It was my mom's worst nightmare.
Because when I was 13, my mom reemphasised that I was too fat to be loved. I felt like ****.
Because when I was 14, I starved myself so that I would be beautiful. I did look like a 'proper girl', my parents agreed.
Because when I was 15, the stress of impending national exams got to me and my hair started to fall out. My mom prayed for my soul, and my scalp.
Because when I was 16, in the car 37 minutes ago. My mom scolded me for my acne scars, saying that I was too scarred to ever get a job, or a husband. Most importantly a husband.
Because gender roles affect us all, male or female. Stop labelling people.

this is just a self-reflection of sorts. I was looking bak at the first poem I wrote basically 2 years ago and I've realized how much I've grown as a person. I wish I still had my first account on here, where I was not anonymous but I had to delete that due to personal reasons. Upon thinking back to the circumstances under which I wrote my first poem on this account, I realize that my problems are actually smaller than I perceive them to be. At the time of said poem, I was facing some stuff at school that I though would be the end of the world but look; I'm alive and healthy 2 years later and I'm doing much better. I've just been too busy recently to write poems because I have some really important national exams this year that basically determine the outcome of the rest of my life.Thank you to everyone who follows me or who has read a single one of my poems in the past, even if you didn't really care about it or even like it at all because you were are part of this process of self-realisation and discovery that I went through and you've honestly changed my life 180 degrees around. I'm definitely much happier and positive than I was 2 years ago. For those who care (if any) : I'll still be writing poems as writing is my passion and I hope to do English or Literature at University (college) level, that is, if I manage to convince my parents (who seem dead set on me doing law) .

I wonder if you ever think of me,
I wonder if sometimes I'm the only one you can see.
Maybe it's just plain fantasy
But, I wonder if we could ever be.
But it's not as good as you thought it would be
because all the shards are on the ground but you choose not to see.

But,darling, we're stepping on the shards.
And we love the pain.
It makes us feel alive.
It takes our minds off from the pain within.
But one day, you could take the pain no more.
You left right out the front door.

Now the shards still take away the inner pain with physical pain.
Just, not in the same way.

I've been blessed with the curse of loving you.

If only falling asleep were as easy as closing your eyes. If only I didn't have to fight a battle with them. If only I weren't always so exhausted. If only I could sleep without being haunted by your face.