i pull my eyeball out of my socket
i remove my socket from my eyeball
the moon is howling
the wind is shining
i grin a grin of blood and ... joy?
eyeball in hand,
or was it the socket?
maybe it's the hand in my eyeball
i take a step towards the water
i feel it lapping at my ankles
i lie down face first
the water breathes me in and
in that uterine comfort we once knew
when I open my eye/socket/hand
i see that i am in a tank
the light refracts across the water
i worm my way to the base of the tank and i
my body is too heavy
i reach between my legs
pull out my guts
they slither away into the dark abyss
i close my eye/socket/hand
i've been dissociating a lot lately and this is my attempt at explaining what it feels like.
i feel like i'm slipping
melting into the ground
blood and flesh combining with metal concrete plaster
i want to stand in the wind and watch myself blow away
molecule by molecule
like a dandelion
i'll go to the ocean and sit in the waves
and get washed away
the salt purifies me and i am clean again
stepping into the fire
i watch my flesh fall off my bones
i am finally authentic
maybe i'll just sit in a corner and
watch myself disappear
like the cheshire cat
just like this work
someday i'll embrace my insignificance
and learn to die
1) empty bottles that clink as you wade through them. you drown in an ever-increasing pool of bottles
2) puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks. i want to pour coloured powder on her cheeks. i want to trace every single stream
3) eardrum rupturing music. he screams along to it. they become indistinguishable from the music. he enjoys being a part of something.
4) a lone figure next to a lake. they hug their legs. nothing moves. everything is completely still. if you listen closely, you can hear their heart shattering into the tiniest fragments. they try to keep it together. an internal war rages. but nothing moves.
5) the buzzing. hair falling to the ground. a blank stare and tiny smile
6) you are a tiny dark speck, against the looming white landscape.
7) the lingering taste of coffee. a lit cigarette dangling from between fingers. flecks of ash fall to the ground.
8) submerged into the deepdarkbluebutmaybeblack ocean. everything is dulled.
9) a neatly folded stack of clothes in a washing machine.
10) putting your fingers in between your legs. you are in front of a mirror. you watch yourself
11) a body falling apart into several meat-sized chunks. they are stapled back together.
12) clay masks.
13) lose strands of hair tied together in a trash can
14) refusing to follow the rules.
i know this is not good. at all. but it's inspiredby 13 ways of looking at a blackbird by wallace stevens
the voice in my mind can't possibly be my own
i've never spoken such cruel words to anyone
why would I do that to myself?
it must be a demon,
roaming my mind,
using my own voice against me
to make me feel unloved
urging me, after every small incident
to **** myself
i'm worthless and no one would care after all
to the demon that rules my mind,
you've gone and made yourself at home
4 long years and counting
you've reduced m to tears more times than i can possibly count
i did not invite you in
during a vulnerable time,
the door was left open,
and you strolled in as though you owned the place
made yourself a cup of tea
made my body your entertainment system
had be subbing till i had no more tears
had me wishing i was dead
it looks like you're her for the long run.
Well, in that case,
we better lay down some rules?
I'm in control and I always will be,
no matter how you may make me feel otherwise
i am the master of my own body.
i have a sad feeling those rules will never be followed
and my mind will continue being its playground
my soul an trampoline
and my body an artwork exhibition
now i know where i stand with you
and what i mean to you
which is absolutely nothing
and it makes me so ******* angry
all my energy spent on you
for me to be nothing to you
you're too self-centred to even realise what is going on
if i weren't so angry, i'd almost be sorry
i'm so tired
of everyone around me
i'm so tired of living like this
i am so tired of pretending to be okay
pretending that i am not falling apart
i am so ******* tired
i just want to curl into a ball and cry
but everywhere i look
i see you and it ******* burns
i've never been one of you
let's face it
maybe it was he way i did not laugh at your insensitive jokes
or the way that i was not as cool as the others
i've always given more and more and more of myself
never got anything in return
truth be told
i've always secretly resented you for it
i've always hated hated hated hated hated you for it
the bubbling bitterness at the base of my stomach
i choke it down
and say hi babe thank you for being such a great friend
the words leave a bad taste in my mouth.
the worst part?
by hiding these true feelings of mine
and being so incredibly fake
i'm just as bad as you are
maybe we truly do deserve each other