People sometimes ask me why I study so hard.
The question always stumped me.
Why do I study so hard?
Why do I stay up till the wee hours of the morning to study?
Then, I realised.
I don't have looks.
I don't have a good body.
I don't even have a good personality!
All I had was my brain, and my words.
Knowing this pushes me to study harder so that I won't be left behind.
Maybe I just want to belong.
I mean, each clique has it's distinctive trait which unites a group of people.
The good-looking (and typically popular people) group together.
The outgoing ones group together.
The athletically inclined ones group together(and they run in every single marathon that they can.)
I don't fit in any of those.
I can only hope that by studying hard, I will not only get good grades and a sense of accomplishment and pride but,
that I'll belong.
And that's all that I've ever wanted.

You know those days when you lay down and cry because you are just so angry and upset with life and the people around you that you lose control.

You don't know how but tears spring to your eyes and you can't breathe.

And you just want to take anything and crush it and watch it fall to the ground as dust.

And you shudder because it's so cold and
You
Are
Just
So
Tired.

On those days, I think of you and I hope you'll somehow sense that something is wrong and you'll call me but you never do.

And it was sad to know that,
While she desperately wanted to die,
Her mother desperately wanted to live.

I want this poem to be angry
I want it to be full of hate.
I want to wrap it up and hand it to you.
I want you to read it.
I want you to feel my anger.
My sadness.
A result of your actions.
I want this poem to be able to grab you by the throat and squeeze.
I want this poem to kick you, punch you, slap you, scratch you.
I want this poem to hurt you.
I want to make you cry as you have made me cry.
I want this poem to take all this anger and hurt because
I can't live like this anymore.

I see you wave and smile at me
And
my heart skips a beat
And
I think to myself
*Well ****

I bet you think that the boy at Kindergarten will be your biggest problem. The only one in class who doesn't seem to like you. 10 years down the road and you'll realise that you were lucky to have friends at all. You love Math. I bet you never expected to cry yourself to sleep every night when you were 15. No, you thought you'd be popular and happy. You never thought that you wished you were dead  You never thought that you'd hate your body. You never thought that you'd have no friends but, **** happens, right? You have no friends. No one likes you. You feel like puking every time you look in the mirror. You know hate Math because it is more structured than your thoughts. You will wonder how you went from a girl full of love and hope to a girl full of hate and tears. But **** happens. And the way things are looking now, it's only going to get worse.

I bet you never expected that your parents would be the ones to break you.

You may think it's funny.
Plain teasing.
Just girls having fun but you don't know.
You don't know what I've struggled with.
You weren't there all those nights when I cried myself to sleep because I was not thin like them.
All the times I would skip meals and tell my mom I had eaten elsewhere.
All the times I survived on water for the whole day.
All the times I came this close to sticking a finger down my throat and emptying the contents in my stomach.
It took me so long to feel okay and comfortable with myself.
Until you said that word.
It's funny how one word could have such an impact on me but you don't know my struggle.
When I got home after that, all I could see in the mirror was fats.
I had begun to determine my self worth by my calorie intake and the size of my waist.
I hated myself once again.

I blindly ***** for your warmth in the darkness.
So cold, so alone.
I find you and I smile.
You seemed to be smiling too but I could not be sure.
I ran my hands along your selender neck and along all your smooth curves.
And then we played throughout the night.
But darling, let the neighbours complain because I am in love with you.
My darling, beautiful.
My violin.

I bit down on my lip,hard.
I drew blood.
The anxiety.
I needed to talk to you.
I was confused.
I was lost.
I needed you to explain it all to me.
I tried to talk to you before.
However you said you did not want to hear my voice again.
I'm sorry for annoying you but I need to know the answer.
The answer to all the problems.
Cautiously,
I raised up my hand to ask you about the solution to the Math question.

You broke me
I stood there, tears running down my face
The hurt in my eyes, you could not see
I stood in my place
A dream I once thought could be
But you left in such haste
You broke me
The world cup I never won.

You know those days when you sit down and you think about things. You just think. And then you see a post about how someone ket their best friend and you smile because it's so sweet and then you pause to think about how you met your best friend and you realise that youhave no best friend. Yeah, you do have people whom you talk to everyday and whom you smile at but no one you think is your best friend. No one you text everyday or whom you go out with everyday and you realise that during lunch daily, you are always alone.


Alone.

Hey uhm so therr's this guy who I knew in primary school (sort of like middle school for those of you who live in the US). Now I'm in secondary school (high school) and I follow him to instagram and Twitter and stuff and recently he's been talking about need someone to talk to about life and I really want to help him but I haven't talked to him or interacted with him in YEARS. So, I don't exactly know how to approach this. Sorry if you felt that this was a waste of time. I couldn't ask my friends or family because I know they wouldn't understand and they would jump to the comclusion that I want to get into a reltionship with him when I just want to reach out as a friend. So erm please advise( if you can) and Thanks!!! :))

Today was the first time that I cut four tiny parallel lines on my wrist. I didn't use a blade or a razor. I used the sharp end of a compass. I don't know why I did it. But it felt good. All I know was that the pain inside was too much to bear and I needed to breathe. My demons were suffocating me. After that I ran to the kitchen and took an icecube and rubbed it along those four lines. I hadn't drawn much blood but the lines were there. Now, five minutes later, I can still feel the sting; a dull, numb pain.

It's the same **** thing everyday. **** this life. I can't stand living anymore. I feel like curling up in a ball and dying. Maybe that's what I'll do. Maybe this is the last you hear of me. Not like anyone cares about a fatso loner loser nerd **** like me.

There was once a blind man. Since he was born he was taught by religion to appreciate whatever God had given him. He did. He never saw beauty. People described beauty to him but he could not understand. One day he met a girl. He could tell she was beautiful from the way she talked and laughed. He understood true beauty. Her parents were not as accepting. "He's blind" "He's a *******, an abomination from the heavens. He never should have been born. He's a burden for his parents". They never met again. Yet, the man never stopped appreciating what God gave him though it caused him to lose the person who made him understand true beauty. God never once stopped to help him. As he lay on his deathbed,alone, he thought about the girl and about his disability. He was taught to love the thing that killed him; killed him on the inside. And so, he died, a mere shell of a man. Alone and unloved. Blind and cold.

Such suffering,
The debt we pay to human guile.
Oh lord, have mercy on our tortured souls as our energy is drained and we feel as though we cannot speak. Tears blur our vision. Our mind goes blank. We are nothing for we are mere mortals. All these numbers and letters mean nothing as I crumble to the ground under the pressure,lost girl, no salvation. Oh lord, have mercy for I am the common sinner. Oh lord have mercy.

Such symmetry,
Such perfection.
The perfect letter.
Y.
The wishbone.
Y.
The fork in the road.
Y.
Streams diverging from a river.
Y.
The question I ask over and over but get no answer.
Y.

I'm the girl who remembers almost everyone's birthday but no one remembers mine. I'm the girl who give everyone stuff but n one give me stuff. I'm the girl who comforts everyone but no one comforts me. I'm the girl eho gives my all but no on cares. It's like they expect it of me because I'm so easy to step all over.

I
S
C
R
E
A
M
AND THEN I stop
Silence
Silence
Silence
Silenc
           e











It's deafening

An i know you ghink i am writjng these blurbs for attention but you do not know what i need to get out what i have been containing and itsalljumbledupandidobtknowwhattodoanymorebecausefuckthatijudtean­tobeokay but YOU DON'T CARE and I shout till my voice is hoarse but you don't hear and I don't know what to say or do but what the **** man you don't give a **** so why am i typing this i don't know i lost it and i sit here with tears running down my face and all i have to asm you is why

And no i am not okay I never will be okay depression is here to stay and i can't control my hands as i am typing this i have just lost all control and it is like a volcano erupting inside of i have lost it i don't know what to do i cant do anything AND I AM SCREAMING CAN YOU HEAR ME OVER YOU LAUGHTER AND YOU TAUBTS DO YOU NOT CARE I LAUGH AND PRETEND THAT WHAT YOU SAY IS OKAY BUT IT REALLY IS NOT ABD I JUST NEED YOU TO stop. Just stop and leave me alone.

I want to punch everyone And break everything but the words come tumbling out of my mouth so I write I write till my hands shakes and my face is red and tear stained from all the emotion but I write and I do not care because i need to get it out i need to breathe but i don't want to cut and I know when I need you most you won't be there

Because i'm dying i'm suffocating the walls are closing in on me and i cannot contain this feeling like a burst of fire from within this self-hatred spewing venom throughout my body and i cannot live like this anymore i cannot live by crying everyday i cannot live like this it is not a live it is surviving but barely

Do you ever feel like screaming and screaming and then just giving up and surrendering you body to the forces of nature because you can't carry on and every breath you take hurts it burns and you can't get rid of it you are suffocating you are dying and
No
One
Cares

Wanna see some magic?
Here,
I'll add in a few tags and this poem I spent barely 30 seconds on will trend!


I really dislike this new version of Hello Poetry with the tags and stuff. It's not the website I fell in love with. It's not the website that saved me. It's conforming to mainstream social media.

Maybe I should just **** myself. Maybe thag will make you ******* happy. It is always my ******* fault. My ******* flaws. I cannot take anymore. You say I was the worst mistake you ever made. You repeatedly tell me I'm useless, fat ugly and that I should die. You don't think twice before saying such hurtful words. If the one person who is supposed to love me no matter what calls me such things, maybe I really should just **** myself because life is not worth living. **** her. **** this **** because I am done b

Why do you hate me just because I am not the same gender as you?
Why do you hate me just because the complexion of my skin pigment is darker than yours?
Why do you hate me for not praying to the same God as you?
Why do you hate me for these man-made territorial boundaries I live within?
Why do you hate me because I love someone who is of the same gender as me?
Why do you hate me for something I cannot change?
Why do you hate?
I'll wonder why,
but I'll get no answers.
I'll continue to live in this hateful world.

I'm
F
  A
     L
        L
           I
             N
                G
Through thin air,
Nothing is suspending me.
Falling.
Falling
No one notices.
And then,
I'm gone.
*Fallen

Technically, we are all dying.
We'll die eventually, in 80 years, in a month, in a day.
We all die.
Truth is, not all deaths are equal.
That homeless man on the street?
He died yesterday.
Not a single soul mourned.
But that famous actor who died because of a drug overdose?
Yeah, millions mourned, though they did not know him.
Some deaths hurt you more than other deaths.
Just like how his death hurt me.
He didn't die per say, but, he died on the inside.
That killed me too.
Eventually everyone dies.
Everyone will just be a memory and after that, nothing.
But I don't want to just be a memory.
I don't want to be nothing.
I want to impact lives.
I want to stay alive in the work I have done.
But.
Everyone will be a memory.
Just like how you will forget about this poem five minutes after you read it.
One day the earth will forget me.

She played music to her wrist every night.
Blade to wrist, blade to wrist.
A musical of sorrow,
of tears.
Pushed past breaking point,
no where to go.
She feels like she is suffocating,
dying on the inside.
So, she cuts.
She cuts to breathe.
To get away from her overbearing parents.
To get away from the homework.
She cuts.
Every time she cuts,
it's like she's cutting me too.
I love her so much, she's like my sister.
Knowing that I can't do anything to help her **** me.
If you die, I'll die with you.
Maybe just not in the same way you die.
I'll die on the inside.
That's the worst kind of death.
But,
I've lost so much.
I don't want to lose you too.

I feel so helpless.
Comforting you.
Telling you I'm here for you.
All behind the screen.
I wish I could reach out and grasp onto your hand,
and pull you out of the pit that is your soul.
Please don't sink deeper.
Reach for my hand.
Take it.
I know I'm behind a screen but I'm trying,
desperately to save you.
Save you before you sink deeper.
Don't leave me!
Don't you dare!
Hang on please, I'll help you.



Hello?


*Hello?

Everything,
blown out of proportion.
Is not being able to print something a reason for you to cry?
Does it allow you to shout at your mother?
You rude *****.
She does everything for you and you can't be appreciative.
She may irritate you to no end.
She irritates me too.
But, there is never a valid reason for you to shout at your mother.
Your mother.
The only person who'll love you unconditionally.
So, shut your mouth.
Have some respect and stop crying for every single thing.
*God!

I will patch up the cracks within.
I'll hold you close.
I won't let your warmth slip through my fingers.
Trust me!
I'm not one to talk.
We've both made mistakes but I've learned.
I've learned not to take you for granted.
I'm never going to let you go.
Can't you see that I need you?
Love me.
Love me again.
Give me another chance.
I was once a fool,
not anymore.
Please.
*please

I failed a test for the first time in my life.
I failed.
Does the results of one test make me a failure?
I mean, people have failed many times before!
Then why,
does this failure affect me so much?
I try so hard to be perfect.
Not a toe out of line.
Balancing my studies and passion for acting.
I've been able to do it for the past three years!
Why am I crumbling now?
Did perfection leave cracks on the inside that could not be seen?
Was perfection something I used to covered up the imperfections?
I can see them all.
The blemishes,
The flaws.
Makes my skin itch.
It's not perfect.
It's not in order!
It's not the way it should be!
I'm not the way I should be

Rainbows    Sunshine    Ponies
Dark    Cold    Demons

Rain­bows  Sunshine  Ponies
Dark  Cold  Demons

RainbowsSunshine­Ponies
DarkColdDemons

Heaven
and
Hell.
Closing in on me.
DARKCOLDDEMONS


**Emptiness; A collision of opposites

What do you see as you stare into my lifeless eyes?
What do you think about when you gaze into them?
Can you still love this soulless girl?

I'm trying forget you.
It's not as easy as it seems.
Your face,
embedded in my mind.
The memories we share.
I don't know what went wrong.
I don't know anything.
I do know one thing.
If you ever apologise,
I'll run back into your arms like the fool I am.
I'll run back only to get hurt again.
I'll run back.

You think I was acting depressed?
You think I was looking for attention?
Who the **** do you think you are to make such assumptions?
You say you know if a person is depressed or not.
Who the hell are you,
a shrink?
Well, I don't ******* think so.
***** you and your ******* assumptions because I'm done.
You don't exist to me anymore.

I stared out at the sea.
Gazing at the choppy water.
Looking at where heaven appeared to meet the earth,
where it looked like the world was never-ending.
Only a few ships dotting the horizon could be seen.
Hues of oranges, pink and blue filled the sky as the sun sank below the horizon,
appearing to sink into the ocean.
In that beautiful sky,
I could only see one face.
Your's
Oh, what have you done to me.
This unexplainable feeling of exhilaration.
The feeling of butterflies in my tummy.
Senses in me , that I never knew existed, roused.
Even your presence leaves me breathless.
A single word can make my knees weak.
I lean back into the sand with a content giggle.
Thinking of you makes me happy too.
You're a drug.
And, boy, am I addicted.

Bones for fingers,
paper for skin.
Bitterness of my struggle lingers,
I just want to be thin.

*Is that such a sin?

It was then I realised:
Whenever I died a little inside,
you were born again.

Sometimes, you just need a reminder that your life is worth more than you think.

What's in a name?
What's in your name?
Do the sweet lines of betrayal run through your name?
Is there an evil ring to a seemingly innocent name?
Does your name spell out the vindictive and manipulative person you are?
Your name was a trap.
I fell for it the day I met you.
Such a beautiful name.
So beautiful that it disguised the dangerous undertones.
It disguised the warnings.
Coupled with your adorable smile and comfortably warm hand,
which I grasped onto like a life source.
Warm hands that I thought could melt my cold soul.
Warm hands.
Warm eyes.
Warm name.
Bitter aftertaste.

I saw you in school again.
I was wondering how we ended up like this.
I loved you like my own sister.
Oh, yes, that's right!
You're a backstabbing *****.

The ones you love most,
hate you the worst.

The ones who seem the most angelic,
are devils in disguise.

The ones who seem the smartest,
have the lowest EQ.

The ones who seem the happiest,
are actually the saddest.

Therefore,
I can't understand why people bother to judge and spread hateful rumours.
You don't know who the person really is.
You don't know his or her real story.
Why judge?
Why gossip?
Of course,
if this world were ideal,
people would not hate.
Alas, that is a mere dream.

You're a spoiled brat.
Daddy's always bought you everything.
Expensive clothing, expensive phones, expensive holidays.
Daddy's cash even bought you friends.
You think those girls actually like you?
You think they can't see your spiteful ways?
They're there for the $3 macaroons or souvenirs you gift them.
You think anyone who does not wish to hang out with you is below you.
You treat them like dirt.
Every time I say Hi to you, you completely ignore me,
as though I'm not even worth your time.
You only hang out with the 'pretty' girls,
or rather, your definition of pretty.
Underweight while wearing revealing clothing.
I've had enough of you.
Wake up or you'll eventually have no one else and you'll be left on the curb, alone.
But,of course, you'll always have your designer shades!
That's a relief, isn't it?

Just as I started fixing myself,
Someone else broke himself.
It was like a continuous cycle of hopelessness.
I watched it.
I watched as something happened to him and he broke.
And he couldn't pick up the pieces.
So,I helped him.
I maybe not be able to fix him but he will know that someone cares.
That was all I needed to know and no one showed it to me.
I'll show him.
No one deserves to feel this way.