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493 · Feb 2016
What's in a Name?
Christina Cox Feb 2016
My name is not Christina.

My name is darkness.
My name is depression.
My name is anxiety.

My name...
is full of problems.

My name is broken.
My name is sad.
My name is harm.

To myself and to others.
My name spells out "suicidal."

My name is not my own.
I share my name with many others.

My name is your name
and your name is my name.
With little spelling differences.

We are a family.
Together coping
and trying to survive.

Our family,
who is in so much pain,
and want to love themselves,
who love each other,
but cannot see
why
the others love us.

We are a family
where our names are not our own.
And I am part of that family.

My name is not Christina.

My name is your name.
Our name is trying,
our name is hope,
our name is work.

Our names are the same
and that name is
desire
to get better.

And together,
we can.

We.
Can.
Do.
This.

Our family,
the family we have
where all our names are same.

We can do this.
We,
who are all the same.

Because I believe you can do this.
And I know you believe I can do this.
So with our beliefs in each other
we can all do this.

We,
the siblings,
will lean on each other
for strength,
for love,
for hope,
for compassion,
for sympathy,
for knowledge,
for understanding.

This family is strong
in it's broken heart
and broken soul.

Our family is different.
It does not run through our veins.
But runs through water
of tears running down our faces,
blood running down our limbs,
of pain running through our souls.

We are a family,
and together,
we can survive.

My name is not Christina.

My name is not Christina.

You will tell me,
my name is not broken,
my name is not depression,
my name is not anxiety.

You will tell me,
my name is happiness,
my name is soulful,
my name is bright,
my name is beautiful.

My name is Christina.

And I will tell you,
your name is beautiful,
your name is strong,
your name is bright,
your name is loving.

Your name is [insert name here].

We are a family of broken souls
just trying to get better
and together,
we can.

My name is Christina.
And I am part of this family.

Your name is [insert name here].
And you are part of this family.

We will work together
through problems,
through heartbreak,
through sadness,
through numbness.

We are a family.

Who,
as individuals
may feel weak
but together are strong.

We are a family.

We are a family.
From a recording on my phone. A little jumbled, but was a very emotional time to speak and write.
490 · Dec 2015
A Prayer to the Devil
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I cry at night because of you.
I am your humble servant.
So please, My Lord just treat me well.
And **** me on the spot.

I’m sure you want to cause me pain
because that is who you are.
Instead, please cause even more
by taking me to the grave.

The pain in my soul will no longer be there.
It will have gone to the stars.
But the pain to others will be even greater
than what you could cause me.

So I pray, My Lord, Satan.
To take me away from here.
Bring pain to my family, whom I hold dear
which I’m sure will make you happy.
486 · Jan 2016
Spinning
Christina Cox Jan 2016
I wonder what you think
when you see a spinning
woman.

A woman wearing
dark colors and bright tights
and tutus.

A woman who hides
herself in what she
doesn't wear.

A woman who shows
who she is in what
she spins in.

I wonder what you think
when you see a woman spinning
and that woman is me.
468 · Dec 2015
Prayers to End the War
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If God is real, then I pray to him to heal my mind, body, and soul.
If Christ is real, then I pray to him to take away the pain he knows is real.
If Angels are real, then I pray to my guardian to keep me safe from my own hands.
If Fallen Angels are real, then I pray to them to take my guardian away.
If Demons are real, then I pray to the one inhabiting my body to leave or take over fully.
If Lucifer is real, then I pray to him to send more demons and make me take my own life.
468 · Feb 2016
If Only I Could Die. Haiku.
Christina Cox Feb 2016
I have too many
commitments to **** myself.
Be accidental.
465 · Dec 2015
Easier
Christina Cox Dec 2015
It’s easier to die than to watch someone die.
This is why and why I try and try
to stay alive or take my life.
The decision is impossible to make myself
so I hope and pray for someone else
to do something bad, something bad,
bad enough to make the decision for me.
It’s easier to die, to take my life
than to watch my mother’s soul die.
463 · Feb 2016
Fire Creates
Christina Cox Feb 2016
My tears are starting to burn
     a river of lava... flowing

destroying

          the once beautiful forest.

BUT.

We all know
        that only fire
     can create a perfect environment
   for new trees
            to reach the sun.

I HOPE.

It is the same for
            this
                 lowly
                      human
                            soul.
463 · Dec 2015
Forced Rhyming
Christina Cox Dec 2015
On my face a stream of tears,
working to release my biggest fears.

Walking through the pouring rain,
I then release all my pain.

Through all my dreams turned mares,
I work as my mind tries to make repairs.

All the pain brings in hate,
and the self harm starts to dominate.

In the end I am made of evil,
with my soul trying to make a good retrieval.
460 · Dec 2015
What A Song Shows Me
Christina Cox Dec 2015
The music I hear
floats around my head
in shapes that show
the pain I’m in.

The sounds I frequent
are glued to my ears
while I bob up and down
in a crowd of myself.

The songs I sing
stream out my mouth
with words that say
I’m not alone.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
From Head to Toe my body speaks
or rather, screams.
My purple hair says, “I am unique!”
while my soul whispers, “At least, I’m trying to be.”
Blue eyes full of stars yell, “I am beautiful!”
while my heart whispers, ”I don’t believe that, but I want to.”
This body covered in scars screams, ”I have problems!”
while the clothes I wear contradict, ”I have my life together.”
Scars on my shin shout, ”I’ve had fun, fallen, and gotten back up!”
while the skin underneath mutters, ”It wasn’t my choice.”
Painted toes holler, ”I want someone to notice me!”
while my mind breathes, ”No I don’t.”
From Head to Toe my body screams
and believes in something
that I do not.
452 · Dec 2015
Relapse
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If I show you these scars what will you think?
The purple ones on my thigh,
the thin pink ones on my stomach,
the thick, raised ones on my arm,
and the small red ones on my wrist.

If I tell you the reasons what will you say?
The self hatred in my heart,
the numb feelings in my soul,
the racing thoughts in my head,
and the moving fingers of my hand.

If I ask you to love me will you tell the truth?
If I ask myself to love me will I tell the truth?
In the end will I go back to what I know?
In the end will I go back to the blades who hold my heart?
The blades who have hold of my soul?
451 · Aug 2016
Take me Away
Christina Cox Aug 2016
I know that people love me.
It's just that

the most important one.


Doesn't.
450 · Jan 2016
Fade Into Love
Christina Cox Jan 2016
Fading scars are the scariest ones.
Meaning held in little lines.

I'm getting better
I don't even care
I'm proud of what I've been through
I'm letting depression take over
I want to show my past
I'm giving up
I'm getting stronger
People can think the worst of me


These thoughts come from the babies.
The white on tan skin.

Growing scars are the scariest ones.
Meaning held in scarred skin.

I've been through so much and won
No one can save me
I'm putting trust in you
Days can't protect me
I'm trusting myself
I hate myself


Grown up scars scream at me.
The puffing purple lines.

Every scar on my body tells stories.
Of the hatred I have felt.
Of the love I crave.

Healing scars telling me of the change.
But they do not tell how.
449 · Dec 2015
My Body
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Trapped.
In a |C|E|L|L|
of bRoKeN words
and darkened love.
Punching.
CRUMBling walls
and shatterproof windows.
I’ve been convicted.
GUILTY.
Life sentence with no parole.

______________
|             I           |
|         was          |
|         framed      |
______________

Pl­ease.
I don’t want to die here.
446 · Dec 2015
Every Word A Lie
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I’ve drawn a heart upon my arm.
I do not cause my body harm.
There’s laughter just lodged in my throat.
Which helps me sing a cheerful note.
I’d love a significant other.
So that I can become a mother.
I want some children, two or three.
Maybe a baby on top of a tree.
I can live in the country side.
With no need to travel worldwide.
Everyday there will be a blue sky.
Except for the fact that every word has been a lie.
437 · May 2016
how i imagine it would go
Christina Cox May 2016
and then i imagine
when i’m up and
you try to
talk me down

you have so much to live for
you don’t have to tell me that
i know my dreams and goals
the things i’ll never reach

your family loves you
i know they do
of course they do
and they’ll be crushed

you’re talking to a girl
holding on by a thread
crying the ugly cry
just about to try and fly

i’ve created scenes
sounded sirens
stopped the traffic
stepping over the railing

played it back
again
and
again

you have so much to live for
we can get you help
you aren’t alone
your family loves you

it’s nothing new
and something known
just go a little deeper
i don’t even want to do this

but i have to.
436 · Dec 2015
Relapse II
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I did it again.
I broke my will.
With a broken razor and fallen blades.
Tools to cut leg hair made into small knifes.
Cutting into skin again and again.
Until the blood stops to pool and starts to drip into a river.
Watch it flow, hold a tissue so as not to ruin the rug.
Stained tissue, bright red.
Next to pink skin surrounding puffed, red, marks.
Wipe it up and clean it up.
Make it so I don’t have to go to the Doctor.
Infection, such a needy *****.
All done, but don’t pull out bandaids.
The wrappers will yell the story to mom.
Mom will tell dad, and together they will offer support.
Support from family members who don’t understand.
Who are sad when I need ice to control my urges.
Why would I let them know that it didn’t work?
That in the pretend safety of the bathroom, I went from diving to cutting.
In just a few seconds.
434 · Apr 2016
Battles and the War
Christina Cox Apr 2016
Once upon a time
She was a liar and a cheat

Lying at everyone she loved
Cheating off everyone she could meet

She didn't want to smile so much
Smiling tortured her withered soul

She couldn't even talk as much
Opening her mouth she lied to herself

Once upon a time
She was a happy girl

Then the war it started
Over her body and her soul
423 · Dec 2015
Conversation
Christina Cox Dec 2015
You tell me,
      -take off your bracelets
      -roll up your sleeves
      -don’t be afraid

               .

I hear you say,
      -I want to see
      -I want to know
      -be brave with me

               .

Then I think,
      ~if you saw
      ~you would stay
      ~until you couldn’t

               .

No matter what you tell me,
and the trust I put in you,
when you see the true pain I’m in,

         ~ - ~ - ~

     you’ll be scared,
          *just like me.
419 · Jan 2016
Demon Friend
Christina Cox Jan 2016
I write to you,
my little friend,
to tell me what to do.

Asking questions
that go so deep
I cannot reach them without you.

Finding answers
in the cave
with darkness seeping through.

You smile as you answer
the payment
of my soul is due.

Demon friend in my soul
living off my fear,
molding me to statue.

For as I listen
you tell me lies
that come out of my view.

My little friend,
how do you dare
to tell the tried and true.

The pain of truth
and hidden lies
leave me a residue.
413 · Dec 2015
Violations
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Velvet words, loving words
Into her peaceful ear.
Only words he could say;
Language known to two teenagers.
Allow the words to pierce the soul
Take the words into her heart.
Ignore the warning signs
Of fake caresses.
Naked feelings he can see.
S**acrifice your body for his joy.
410 · Dec 2015
During
Christina Cox Dec 2015
During sunrise I see colors of the light moving through the clouds.
During sunrise I hear the clocks and alarms going off on my phone.
During sunrise I feel the blanket and the comfort heat of my bed.

During the day I see the sun and the earth we live on circles it.
During the day I hear the birds and the air we breathe keeps them up.
During the day I feel the grass and smell the flowers growing in it.

During sunset I see the colors in the west instead of the east.
During sunset I hear the words of couples falling in love.
During sunset I feel the dreams coming true throughout the world.

During the night I see the moon and stars and reach for them.
During the night I hear the wind moving through the leaves outside.
During the night I feel the cold of the air circling the stormy world.

Throughout the night I see the nightmares and wake with tears.
Throughout the night I hear music playing keeping my calm in the dark.
Throughout the night I feel the sheets tucked all around me as I sleep.
409 · Feb 2016
I Am Sick.
Christina Cox Feb 2016
I’m losing the battle with depression.
This sickness of my mind.
It’s taken over all of me in ways you cannot see.
The demons in my soul and the darkness of my heart.
“Pretend” symptoms that cannot be measured.
Only those with the illness understand.

I’m losing the battle with my illness.
Feeling my body giving in.
Slower movement with a hugged in body.
Eyelids drooping down.
A paler face from the never sleep.
I do look sick.
But maybe from a cold.

I’m losing the battle with an illness.
The illness appears as a cold.
But there is no sniffling nose around.
Instead, hidden tears and ****** arms.
My hair is not falling out.
My body is not attacking itself.
All in all I don’t look sick.

I’m losing my body to depression.
I’m losing my health and soul.
I’m taking the blood from my heart.
With hopes of ridding the body of the bug.
Inside I feel the darkness.
Inside I feel the cold.

I’m losing this battle.
No matter how hard I fight.
I’ll lose one day.
And be taken from this life.
407 · Dec 2015
Wall
Christina Cox Dec 2015
There's a little saying,
"The grass is greener, on the other side."
You tell me this with a brick wall between us.
My side has some grass but it's dead and covered with weeds.
You tell me your side has grass that's green,
And even flowers and some trees.

You tell me this by yelling;
Your words going up and over the wall.
At my feet are pieces of wood to build myself a ladder.
Your words, they are convincing, so I start to work.
It's hard and new but you keep saying,
"The grass is greener here."

You make it sound so wonderful, to be in a place so clean.
But what it takes to get there is something you cannot see.
I'm working on the ladder when I hear a distant clap.
You yell to me, "It's still green here!"
But I can't see the grass you stand on, I only see the storm.

I need to climb the wall to get to a better place.
The sky may be blue and sunny,
But there are storms that come
Where the sky is black and rain comes down.
And I can't see the greener grass
you say is under your feet.
I only see the sky.
407 · Dec 2015
Serenity
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I search for peace everywhere I go and everywhere I look.
I search through the crunchy leaves that have fallen off the trees.
I search through the clouds that are being blown across the sky.
I search for it in the happy couples that walk by, whispering secrets about love.
I search for it in the way my brother, severely disabled, loves unconditionally.
My search for serenity is futile, I do not believe a broken heart can find peace.
Truth be told, I don’t know if a complete one can find any either.
Maybe we’re all just doomed to search for something that can never be found.
403 · Dec 2015
Answering "Untitled"
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I’ve asked it before,
“Is it my heart or my head
that wishes I was dead?”
My doctor would say it’s my head because
I have depression, a sickness of the mind.
My mother would say it’s my head
because the other answer would be too painful.
My friend would ask me what I think because
she understands I am logical more than emotional.
But what is my answer?
Is it the sickness that makes me want to die?
Or is it truly how I feel in my heart?
But is it possible that it’s a mixture and it’s actually
my soul within that makes me suicidal?
400 · Dec 2015
Fragmented Mind
Christina Cox Dec 2015
When being/living with so much pain
Do anything to face away
Some point suicide the only option.
Pain/love one and the same
Confusion of the mind.
Get. Out.
Do not come back
No Solicitors
Do not bring Hell/Heaven here
Already living in that loft.
Try to sell
go to a motel
rent a car
get a flight
Join please ~~~ or don’t.
You’re choice - only yours.
398 · Dec 2015
Sorry
Christina Cox Dec 2015
To my future lover,
you will see the marks of hatred.
To my future children,
I will tell the truths of depression.
To my future friends,
you will find me on my failing days.
To my future family,
I will hide my mental illness.
To the future me,
I don’t know what you will be.
396 · Dec 2015
Driving By All These Homes
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Decorated trees in living room windows,
Plastic Santa and Reindeers littering the yard,
Lights round the bushes outside.
Driving by all these houses turned homes,
I’m forced to see the joy of the holidays.
395 · Dec 2015
Goals
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Tomorrow,
I will look into the mirror and pull up my sleeves.
Just a little past the wrist.
I will see my scars and I will acknowledge their existence.
Even though it is painful.

This week,
I will look into the mirror and pull up my sleeves.
Almost to the elbow.
I will see my scars and I will acknowledge the pain.
Even though I hate them.

In a fortnight,
I will look into the mirror and pull up my shirt and shorts.
Body parts that are hidden, even to me.
I will see the ghastly scars and I will acknowledge them.
Even though I cannot accept myself.

This month,
I will look into the mirror and pull up my sleeves.
To the point of my shoulder.
I will see my scars and I will accept them.
Even though it’s triggering.

Next month,
I will look into the mirror and take off my clothes.
Standing naked with myself as a witness.
I will see all my scars and I will acknowledge them.
I will see all of my body and I will acknowledge it.
Even though it will make me relapse.

This year,
I will look into the mirror and unwrap a towel.
Dripping water from my hair.
I will see all the scars and I will accept them.
I will see all of my body and I will accept it.
Even though I would have started over.

This lifetime,
I will be with another person and be intimate.
They will see and witness the pain.
And they will accept me.
And they will love me.
*Even though I can’t see the future.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
One tear rolls on my cheek
and I tell myself to bury these emotions.
Two tears start to roll
and I buy the shovel I need.
Three tears begin to make a stream
and I start to dig the hole, deeper than before.
Four tears and a river is made
but into the hole they start to go.
Five tears and I’ve found the magic way
to divert the river to a ditch, away from my eyes.
Four tears while the river goes back to a stream
and I start to think about gaining control.
Three tears and the stream starts to dry up
like I’ve been forcing my eyes to do.
Two tears and it’s almost gone
dried up and buried.
One tear and I throw away the shovel
as it is not longer needed.
My emotions have been buried again
deeper than before so they can’t find me anymore.
389 · Dec 2015
I Did All This To Myself
Christina Cox Dec 2015
I’ve ****** up my life.
I don’t know how.
And I don’t know when.
But I did.
I’ve ****** my soul.
To be in Hell.
And I don’t why.
But I did.
I did all this ****
to myself.
And I never realized it.
But I did it.
I ****** up.
I ****** myself.
I created a monster
*I did.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
“I live in a constant state of maybe next week.”
He was talking about cash and change,
money being tight
worrying about what will come.
Will he be able to eat?

But the words I hear speak in different shapes.
Talking of energy and motivation
that does not exist in this stupid body.
The way I say, “Let’s hang out next week.”
To cancel with my best friend.
Hoping for new energy to appear
in the seven days I wait.
376 · Jan 2016
Self Bully
Christina Cox Jan 2016
It's funny how emotions
are what rule our heart.
And how these old friends
can ruin your perfect day
by reminding you of the years
you were bullied
and you were the bully.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
“**** this ******* ****,”
is my favorite saying;
****, it is simple.
372 · Dec 2015
Untitled
Christina Cox Dec 2015
The worst part of getting over something or someone
is realizing you actually haven’t.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If I have a significant other,
how will I tell them about my problems?

Starting the conversation about
scars
that are all over my body.
Will they be able to love it?

The conversation about
mental illness
that takes over my soul.
Will they be able to love me?

If I have a significant other,
how will they accept me
for who I am now,
and who I once was?
366 · Dec 2015
<3
Christina Cox Dec 2015
<3
I’ve drawn a heart upon my arm
to remind me of the love I owe
this body that I own.

I’ve drawn a heart upon my skin
to tell myself to love
this suit that I wear.

I’ve drawn a heart with silver blades
upon the skin I so detest.

I’ve drawn a heart with  ****** paint
to save the soul that lives within.
366 · Dec 2015
Telling the Truth
Christina Cox Dec 2015
There are times I lie to others.
About being happy and okay.
There are times I lie to myself.
About being okay and happy.

But there are also times I do not lie.

Times I do not lie to others.
About being okay and happy.
Times I do not lie to myself.
About being happy and okay.

But those times do not come often.

I would be lying if I didn’t say that
I lie more often than I tell the truth.
I just wish that when I told the truth
people around would believe me.

Just like I believe myself in those moments.

Of course, how can they believe me
when they know I lie more often than not?
But it does not help when they never believe me.

I just want someone to validate the truth
that there are days where I am happy
that there are days where I am okay.
366 · Dec 2015
With These Scars Barred
Christina Cox Dec 2015
With these arms bared
I come up stairs
and sit around the table.

With this shirt worn
I play the games
while you sit across.

With my body shown
you take secret looks
but keep the thoughts silent.

With the body shown
you accept me
and the pain I inflict.
364 · Dec 2015
Fuck
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Nouns, verbs, even slang.
Many ways to say the word.
How do you use “****”?
363 · Feb 2016
Do you know? Haiku
Christina Cox Feb 2016
I wish I could say
What it's really like in here
The dark of my mind.
360 · Dec 2015
Suicidal
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Break a cup in the sink
Shatter the glass
Pick the biggest,
sharpest,
best piece.
Run the water
put the point against my skin
against the blue vein.
Press.
Make my hand bleed from holding
Make my wrist bleed from pressing.
Pull.
Create a line and pull some more
Press some more.
Make the blood come.
Watch it flow
until vision is black.
Colapse.
Mom or dad, it doesn’t matter
find me on the kitchen floor.
911.
Am I dead?
Or barely alive?
Failure either way.
I have problems. This is the latest idea... Writing down the idea makes it less likely to be done.
359 · Jan 2016
The Ten Things I Hate
Christina Cox Jan 2016
I hate the way I always try.
And the way I almost cry.
I hate the feelings never shown.
And the ones that are never even known.
I hate the lies I tell myself.
And the ones I put up on the shelf.
I hate the lies that I tell you.
And the way that I have run you through.
I hate the way I want to die.
And the way that feeling can intensify.
But most of all I hate the way
I want to change and always delay.
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If you understood
the hatred I hold inside
would you still love me?

If you saw my skin
with purple, red, and pink scars
would you still love me?

I cut up myself,
do you still love my body?
Do you still love me?
353 · Dec 2015
I Don't Want To Talk
Christina Cox Dec 2015
Mom sits on my bed, next to me
while I play with the sewing machine.
The needle breaks, there’s a birds nest of thread, and the tension is all wrong;
I am angry at an object with moving parts.
She asks me questions about life, sewing, therapy
while I answer with yes and no and shrugs.
I guess you don’t want to talk right now.
No.
She leaves the room with sadness following
and I stay working with a heart filling with guilt and shame.
Christina Cox Jan 2016
I'm willing to go back in time
to the place where I was hurt
and tell you of the feelings
that you caused inside my heart.

I'm willing to talk to you
of changes of my life
that made me go from hate
to a person who wants to try.

I'm willing to tell you of the
memories you don't even know
the ones that are truth to me
and prevented my trust in you.

I'm willing to speak of the hold
you will always have on me
even after ten years have gone
I see you and wish for the past.

I want to tell you all of this
to try and get away
so I can move and fall in love
without you in my head.

I wish I could explain it better
these jumbled thoughts in my heart
so you could understand
how much I want to move away.

I wish I could tell you
that moving away from you
isn't a bad thing
but something we both need.

I know we've never stopped
I know we've always cared
but how are we supposed to find
another love when our hearts are still intwined?
346 · Dec 2015
Know Yourself
Christina Cox Dec 2015
The person who knows me best
is my worst enemy.
The person who knows me best,
I see everyday.

Isn’t it odd how
the person who knows you best
is in all actuality,
yourself?

Isn’t it strange that
if you tell yourself,
“You look good today,”
you might not believe it?

Isn’t it strange that
if you tell yourself,
“You’re an idiot,”
you’ll probably believe it?

You’d think that
the person who knows you best
would be nicer.
That you’d be nicer to yourself.
346 · May 2016
seven years later
Christina Cox May 2016
I never imagined
I never could have thought
After all this time
Of not talking
Of not seeing
One little look that one day
Would turn on the light
To your home
In my heart
343 · Dec 2015
I Am A Selfish Bitch
Christina Cox Dec 2015
If I had a genie who would grant me three wishes,
I would not wish for the betterment of the world.
     I would not wish for peace on earth.
     I would not wish for poverty to be eradicated.
     I would not wish for those who are sick or in pain to be healed.
I would be selfish.
     I would wish for my depression to be gone.
     I would wish for a body that I could handle living in.
          And if none of that worked,
     I would wish for my death to not hurt the people I love.
          That way, my suicide wouldn’t **** my parents.
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